Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Ben There, Done That
‘LIKE so much wood, the Sun’s front page announces: ‘J-LO & BEN SPLIT’.
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| ‘So, d’you want eggs or beans for your tea?’ |
This is some news since many believed the couple, who were once set on marriage, stopped being an item when their film, Gigli, bombed at the cinemas.
Perhaps they did, but now it is official. And the Sun is there to pick over the bones of one of the most protracted love affairs in Hollywood history.
In the time it took La Lopez and Affleck to say ‘I don’t’, Elizabeth Taylor could have been married at least half a dozen times – even our dear own Tracy Shaw would have garnered more rings than Saturn.
As it is, the product of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s love has been lots of media attention, a postponed and now cancelled wedding, and countless excuses to show pictures of the singer/actress’s backside in the press.
And now for the definitive word on the matter, the Sun hears from J-Lo’s spokesman.
‘I am confirming the report that Jennifer Lopez has ended her engagement to Ben Affleck. At this difficult time we ask that you respect their privacy.’
Pah! We would do if only they would stop invading ours. As the Sun reports in diary form, since November 2002 the couple have been invading the space usually reserved for stories of Jordan’s new nipples and soap opera exposes with tales of their deep love.
Surely now is the time to hound them lest they ever be tempted to rekindle the flames of passion and take us though the whole shebang one more time.’
Kerry Has Her Knockers
‘ONE thing that is coming our way, and for the third time, is television’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
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| ‘Did I mention my, er, breasts?’ |
The coverage for this show has been massive – but not nearly as overblown as the assets of two of the show’s contestants: Jordan and Kerry McFadden.
Jordan’s work is known to many readers of the tabloid press, which has followed her career from plain old Katie Price to plain older Jordan with an obsessive attention to detail.
As such, we even know, courtesy of the Sun, that Jordan was banned from taking along her vibrating sex toy to the jungles of Australia.
A show insider tells the paper that eventually she was prised off her purple, spotted phallus and persuaded to take along a pink and fluffy hot water bottle instead.
While readers wonder what Jordan will do with such an item, others will wonder who and what Kerry McFadden is.
Well, the Sun is happy to tell its readers that she is someone who, by her own admission, has tits the size of Jordan’s nipples.
She is also worried, according to the Star’s foremost page, of being the ‘MOST HATED GIRL ON THE BOX’.
‘I’m famous for being a bit of a loudmouth and I believe in speaking my mind,’ says Kerry, who is also ‘famous’ for being married to a Westlife band member, having a chest visible from space and being called Kerry.
And, er, did we mention her breasts..?’
Headline Nudes
‘IS this the most pampered man in Britain? asks the Express on its front page.
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| ‘Anorak ComfiSlax – only £15.99? Now that’s more like it.’ |
The chap in the spotlight is none other than Prince Charles, who is pictured walking along a strip of red carpet that has been laid across the middle of a field in Yorkshire.
The brevity of the rug encourages the Sun to tell Charles to enjoy it while it lasts.
The impression is of a vain, foolish man and not one who is overly pampered.
If he were the most pampered man in the entire realm, he would have a carpet far longer, he would not be carrying his own umbrella and he would be naked.
Yes, we can reveal that the most cosseted man in the land is not Charles, notwithstanding the toothpaste squeezer and all, but 44-year-old former Royal Marine, Stephen Gough.
Many more of you will know him as The Naked Rambler, the man who yesterday completed his 900-mile nude hike from Lands End to John OGroats.
While Charles stroll cost only the price of an off-cut of reddish carpet, Goughs walk has cost £50,000, a fee bolstered by 15 arrests and a total of five months in jail, including one night in solitary confinement for refusing to wear clothes in court.
Compared to him, Prince Charles is a bargain at twice the price – make that three times, if he agrees to keep his clothes on…’
Driven To Crime
‘CRIME is everywhere. Its in the Mirror, the Express and its flooded the Mail like a wave. You cant turn a page these days without being confronted by it.
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| ‘Awww! But I wanted the Nike one’ |
Take the Mirror, which hears that our courts jailed more people for motoring offences last year than for burglary.
This is not to say that burglary is now at an all-time low, or that the clean-up rate for house breaking is in the single figures.
It just says that last year the courts jailed 10,178 burglars. Over the same period, 15,039 drivers were incarcerated, and of those, the Mirror claims 12,469 were for minor offences, such as careless driving, driving without insurance and not paying fines.
While this is great news for John Prescott, whose plan to rid the country of all other motorists bar one gathers speed, jail doesnt appear to be the best way to deal with minor offenders.
The thing to do is to tag them. Well, it was until the Mail discovered that criminals released on home detention are slipping off the last word in electronic jewellery to avoid detection while out committing more crime.
When challenged – and in one instance a villains DNA was found at a crime scene the suspect just says that he was at home with his bracelet. The alibi is cast iron.
But as with all crime, we want figures, so the Mail finds out that last year offenders on home detention committed 1,683 crimes, including 519 cases of theft and fraud and 229 cases of violence.
It is clear that sending criminals to their room, so to speak, is not without its failings. But, as with all things, Tony Blair has a new and cunning plan.
The Mirror hears that Tony wants to introduce pocket money fines for anti-social children.
The father of under-16 Leo reminds us that children in his sons age group are responsible for a lot of anti-social behaviour, like throwing tantrums in supermarkets and demanding more ice-cream.
And while we wait for the all-important figures, he goes on: It is precisely for that reason that we have the power to extend fixed-penalty notices to them. I very much hope we can do it as soon as possible.
Taking money from minors is all very noble, but what does Tony Gripper Blair do when the child cannot pay? Hold his or her head down the toilet and flush?
Sharon Moore of the Childrens Society has the same concern, and wonders: Where are they [under 16s] meant to find the money to pay?
Well, they could check in the glove compartment of the car theyve just stolen or wait outside the Post Office on pension day with a gang of mates and a large bat.
The alternative is to be very, very good and never do anything wrong in the first place. In short, to copy the good examples set by adults.
After all, would Mr Prescott punch someone in the face? Would Mo Mowlam experiment with cannabis? Would Harriet Harman, the Solicitor General, break the speed limit?
Well, would they?’
All Smoke And No Fire
‘IT is time to get tough on crime. And if you cant catch the group often known as the real criminals, why not outlaw some normal activities and nab people for doing those?
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| The new Scouse joint has no weed – just lots of illegal tobacco |
And lets start with smoking. Since Tony Blair doesnt smoke, it might as well be banned. So Liverpool council leaders are pressing ahead with plans to ban smoking from all public places in their city.
The Mail says that the drive for a ban is being led by a group called Smoke Free Liverpool (SML).
While not exactly The Beatles, or even Gerry And The Pacemakers, SFL does boast a line up of councillors, leaders of industry and people the paper calls health bosses.
And where one city goes, others follow. The Sun has news of Paul Ambler, who has been fined £50 by an undercover policeman for dropping his cigarette to the ground in Leeds.
Pictured with a burning ember in hand, outraged Ambler tells all.
It is an extortionate fine for a trivial offence, says he. They are picking on soft targets and doing this rather than targeting hardened criminals.
Whats more, the paper learns that motorists who flick cigarette butts from car windows will also be traced and fined.
And if joinedup Government works as it should, these motoring felons will soon be banged up, adding a healthy glow to David Blunketts crusade on crime and a clearer view of John Prescotts integrated transport policy.’
The Windows To Your Soul
‘BUT how do you spot the real criminals from the fake ones?
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| ‘Are you now or have you ever been a liar?’ |
Locking them in a room and firing electric shocks into their genitalia is one way. But how much neater to trap them at source.
And the new way to do this is spotted by the Mail, which profiles the magic eye on terror.
The device is concealed in a pair of sunglasses. The border guard, or torturer, wears them while asking the target the usual questions.
Built into the specs is a lie detector, which picks up on incoming voice waves and measures levels of stress from the speed and pitch of response.
A light, visible only to the wearer, blinks a red, green or yellow light.
And since it is between 70% and 90% accurate, it means that only a maximum of three in ten people targeted by the glasses will be banged up and labelled as liars.
But whatever the faults of lie-detectors, double-glazing firm Trademark Windows is taking a punt they will work for them.
The Star says that the firms army of salesmen is travelling equipped with the hand-held lie detector known as The Truster.
The companys Steve Wilcock explains all: There are a lot of shysters who stay in peoples homes for three or four hours until the customer signs.
The Truster will hopefully get rid of our bad reputation.
If successful, Tony Blair plans to hand them to all his MPs…’
By Hook Or By Crook
‘THE importance of the newspaper’s role in our lives cannot be overstated.
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| The Jeremy Beadle of Bin Laden TV |
This is especially so of the Sun, which leads with a shot of the Captain Cook of his generation, hook-handed Muslim cleric Abu Hamza.
The Sun cannot believe that, one year after it first called for the hooded claw to be deported, he is still here.
If the Government’s choosing to ignore the Sun, the paper is in a state of something approaching deep shock.
‘A year ago today, the Sun called for Egyptian-born Hamza to be kicked out under the headline: Sling Your Hook,’ writes the paper. ‘And even HE finds it incredible he is still here.’
Even HE? The suggestion is that if Hamza has learnt one thing during his stay in the UK – other than how to make full use of the benefits system (his wife receives a precise £1,030.65 a week in benefits) – it is the might of the Sun newspaper.
But in its haste to ululate about Hamza’s being here, the Sun has missed the Star’s scoop.
There, readers learn that the BBC – the same BBC that sacked dear old Kilroy a few days back – has hired the head of ‘pro-terror TV channel’, Al- Jazeera.
Ibrahim Helal has landed a job at dear old aunty, where he will lecture Middle Eastern journalists in ‘BBC impartiality’ at a body called The BBC World Service Trust.
At the Express, the Star’s sister paper and employer of a certain Kilroy, the story is worthy of a front-page spot and the headline, ‘NOW BBC SIGNS UP BIN LADEN TV CHIEF’.
We have never watched Bin Laden TV, but wonder how much worse it can be than Kilroy’s efforts.
Videos of the eponymous and outspoken boss sitting in his lair, upsetting the watching world with his destructive views are painful.
But can Bin Laden TV be any worse…?’
A Shoreditch Hit
‘SINCE Kilroy’s removal from our screens, Anorak has been doing a brisk trade in videos of his many notable past performances.
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| ‘I can do the first two bars of the Marsellaise’ |
Who can forget ‘My Mother Dresses Like a Tart’, ‘Dad – I Love You (Wherever You Are)’, and ‘I Had Surgery To Look Like My Pet’? All cutting-edge TV.
But not all videos are selling so well, and now anyone ordering an Anorak Kilroy Klassik (delivered to your door wrapped in a discreet burkah) will get a FREE! copy of Shane Richie’s movie, Shoreditch.
We know you haven’t heard of it, but Shane hopes the DVD experience will make the movie more popular than the big-screen version, which reaped the splendid sum of £2,272.
Shane is not one to be deterred by failure, however, and readers of the Star will already be on the look-out for multi-talented Shane’s latest musical recording.
Jo Brand, the burly comedienne, apparently challenged Richie to see if he could fart the Albanian national anthem.
The challenge was issued on a BBC TV Christmas special, and was picked up on by the local Albanian community.
And they have angrily responded: ‘The Albanian national anthem and flag are precious symbols of one of the oldest nations in Europe.’
As such, the recording has gravitas to go with the bounce and verve Richie is sure to give it, ensuring that it will prove to be every bit as popular as his celluloid efforts.’
The Truth Is Out There
‘IF it’s not Bin Laden telling us how to die, it’s Kilroy telling us how to live and Shane Richie practising farting in tune.
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| The danger of cloning |
It’s clear that television is in a parlous state, stripped of the ideals that made it a cornerstone of our lives (or at least our living rooms).
And Tessa Jowell, the impish culture minister, has noticed. According to the Mail, she wants us all to undertake ‘lessons in watching TV’.
These master-classes will be part of a drive to improve what she calls our ‘media literacy’.
The piece has her saying that in a healthy society people should be able to ‘differentiate between ‘opinion’ and ‘fact’. Spotting bias in TV news was a key test.’
So in the spirit of education, education and education, we remind you of the following truths: A) Shane Richie is the stage name of one Alfie Moon, manager of a pub in the EastEnders district of London.
B) Tony Blair is a made-for-TV technodroid, modelled on lay preacher Arnie Sudewart and Cliff Richard.
C) A degree in media studies represents the very apogee of scholastic achievement.
D) Kilroy was here – a fact that can be proven by the presence of an orangey stain on the sofa.
E) And finally…everything is fine and dandy and the cat which firemen in Bridlington rescued from a tree yesterday afternoon is doing just fine.
Anyone wanting to learn more about the Government’s new media literacy course should produce a short video and send it to A Campbell, c/o You’ve Been Framed.’
Joke Bombs
‘AH, the famous British sense of humour. It’s something to be rightly proud of. What other nation can boast a list of jokers like Freddie Starr and Hale And Pace?
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| Hale & Pace – so funny they were locked up for life |
And now adding her name to that list is British funny girl Samantha Marson, who wowed the authorities at Miami airport by her act, ‘You Idiot’.
The Sun takes up the story on its front page, following Samantha up to check-in, where in Dom Joly mode she prepares to make the American tail wag.
Dressed casually with a small rucksack on her back, Samantha approaches the gate. ‘What’s in the bag?’ ask the straight man, ably played by an American cop.
‘I’ve got a bomb,’ replies Samantha. And while the crowd hoot with laughter, the cop slaps some handcuffs on her and places her under arrest.
‘She was in floods of tears,’ says a policeman in the audience, himself wiping away a tear of mirth.
And the reward for this jape could be a six-month contract at one of America’s premier institutions, known locally as Dade County Jail.
And before you complain that Americans have no sense of irony, take a listen to this.
‘This is something we take extremely seriously,’ says a Miami police spokesman ‘Talk of bombs is no laughing matter.’
Priceless!’
Lights Out
‘TODAY the papers challenge the claim that sex sells by enlisting the help of a few celebrities to tell us about how they get off.
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| ‘I tried the paper bag. It kept ripping’ |
The Star gets the golden ball rolling by letting the world know that as part of their foreplay – a prelude to their ‘frighteningly good sex life’ – Day-vid and Victoria Beckham like to flick off the lights.
On the face of it – and judging by the face of his wife – this seems like a prudent move, one well designed to keep the flame of lust alight.
And what’s more, according to Posh’s dance stylist(?), ‘David has these little ways of startling her in the dark… She has no idea when he is about to pounce.’
She could be a minute away from an attack; she could be a week – it’s just the spontaneous way Day-vid is.
But Day-vid had best not leave it too long lest Posh nip to the shops and buy herself The Lightest Touch, the sex gadget the Mail says is a huge hit in the US and is set to send shudders the length and breadth of British women’s spines.
But does it work? Well, it seems even inanimate electrodes have their limits, and Esther Rantzen remained unaroused when she plugged herself in and switched the machine on.
Ingrid Tarrant, who purports to be the wife of Chris Tarrant, also made the device a non-starter, as did Chris Illey, a writer who lives in London and Los Angeles – so she should know.
In fairness, we must note, as the paper does, that the machine did work for two of the Mail’s guinea pigs.
But rather than dwell on how they fared, the Sun has something of a scoop. It seems that Andy Pandy, or ‘Randy Andy’ to give him his headline dues, is no clean-living children’s entertainer, but a purveyor of X-rated filth.
Actor Tom Conti, who narrates the BBC show, says that the script is laced with double entendres. Such as: ‘Teddy got very excited blowing up the balloon. It was very big indeed.’
That’s an entendre that passes us by, although the words ‘blowing’ and ‘big’ could be stressed with a Leslie Philips-style leer.
But more obvious is the scene in which Andy is blowing on a big wooden horn and finding the going ‘rather hard’.
Now, you might expect the paedophile-hunting Sun to come down hard on such perversion, but no, it simply underscores a picture of Andy, Looby Loo and Teddy with the word ‘Threesome’.
It’s an image almost as grim as a threesome involving Andy, Esther Rantzen and Posh – even with the lights out!’
Going Down Together
‘THREESOMES are so 2003. What we want in 2004 are foursomes. And that means more news of those pioneers of the sex square, John Leslie and Abi Titmuss.
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| Abi (Fake)Titmuss |
But what’s this? The Mirror says that Abi, the demure, wholesome former nurse who stood by her man in his hours of need, has been ‘axed’ from her job as a TV reporter.
The Express has the same story, saying how ‘sad Abi’ has been shown the door and will not be presenting stories on TV’s Richard & Judy show.
Of course, to be sacked she would have to have had a job in the first place, and, as the Express tells us, she only did three ad hoc stints on the show and no more.
She had no contract, so no contract to terminate. She has been axed from a job that never was.
This is entirely different to her boyfriend, John, who was well and truly sacked from his job in light of the Ulrika Jonsson case.
He did have a TV contract and a TV career, and now he does not.
But he does prove inspirational to the Sun, which asks the esteemed agony aunt Deirdre to run her eye over the photo casebook in which John and Abi look-alikes are in bed with Jayson Blayde and an unnamed girl.
‘We’ve worked so hard to get over your sordid little scandal,’ says Abi, thrusting the News of the World’s story about their four-in-a-bed romp in his face, ‘and now look at this.’
One still on and Abi is thinking in bubbles. ‘I knew I was letting things go too far with John. Why did I give in to him? And what on earth do I do now?’
Since the casebook ends there, we might never get to find out what happens next. Especially, since Abi and John are old news and on the TV scrap heap.
Perhaps there they will meet Kilroy and form a threesome? Well, it worked for Andy Pandy and his mates…’
This Morning Glory
‘WHILE Robert Kilroy-Silk takes extended sunbed leave in readiness for his next TV appearance as the new face of Tango, the papers zoom in on another man who was also once a force on daytime television.
| Not to be seen on TV This Morning – or any other morning |
Its time to hear what John Leslie, the too-tall former presenter of ITVs This Morning, has been getting up to.
The Scots views on Arabs are left unreported, but since he does, apparently, like more than one woman at a time, we can make a decent guess that he is not altogether against polygamy.
In Youve Blown It, John, the Stars front page claims that Leslies bid to return to our screens has been hit by claims that he has partaken in four-in-a-bed sex romps.
After a preamble about a nightclub, dancing, and invitations back to Leslies home in suburban Sheen, readers learn how ex-basketball pro Jayson Blayde ended being filmed by Leslie while he frolicked in bed with two women, one of whom was Leslies girlfriend, Abi Titmuss.
I see Johns now presenting himself as a reformed character, says Blayde, but hes kept a stack of pictures and video footage of me in bed without my permission, just to satisfy his own sick lust.
As such, the man, who by his own admission spent part of the evening thinking, It doesnt get any better than this, is disgusted and shocked.
Meanwhile, the Sun takes things on a little and writes the blurb for any upcoming video release of Leslies antics, highlighting the words, GROPE, LESBIAN, KINKY, MAULED and FILMED.
It seems very much like Leslie could indeed, as Blayde puts it, be presenting himself, albeit in a series of X-rated videos for the more adult daytime viewer.
And he could be joined on screen by the lovely Ms Titmuss. As the Mail reports, Leslies paramour has been preparing for her part by, apparently, undergoing a breast enlargement operation.
Beneath a long picture of the blonde, who left nursing to launch a career on the telly, the Mail writes: The dark area at the bottom of her left breast could be a scar from implant surgery.
Of course, appalled Mail readers will have to really stare. Although, according to Blayde, if you ask Leslie nicely enough, hell let you have a researching feel.’
No Going Back
‘DID you know that 75% of us want to pack in Britain? No, neither did we, and the Express story comes as something of a shock.
| Anorak hopefuls wait in line |
We thought Anorak was a tight, feel-good ship, but when we learn that three in every four of us want to quit, we look on things with a glum heart.
But not to worry, because the Sun say that when the disloyal members of staff have left for new lives rearing pasta in some godforsaken part of Italy, we will be partying hard with our new Polish and Slovakian co-workers.
In SEE YOU IN MAY, the Sun leads with the news that tens of thousands of gypsies are planning to arrive in Britain when the European Union expands on May 1.
But will it be enough? With three-quarters of us heading in the opposite direction, will the grateful gypsies coming our way be able to fill the void?
By our estimation, the five buses that leave Warsaw every day on the 26-hour journey to London carry around 300 people.
Thats not enough. We need more cars, trucks, bikes and scooters to help with this new Dunkirk if all the 1.5 million Roma gypsies are to set up home here.
So come on, get off your high horse about how life in Blighty is just sooo bad and give it to someone who wants it. And if youve got any skateboards going spare, send them too.’
Animal Passions
‘STILL reeling from the findings that so many of us want to leave this blessed plot, the Mail lets us know the findings of another survey.
| ”I’m cold… Fancy a shag?” |
This one was found in Country Living magazine and it says that sex is better in the countryside.
Twenty-six per cent of the 1,000 respondents who had moved from the city to the green pastures said they made love more often than they used to.
Forty-one per cent said moving to the country had injected a new sense of adventure” in their love lives; 39% said the quality of sex had improved; 32% claimed to be more spontaneous in their love making; and 100% liked to fill in a survey while making out.
And Linda de Lisle, a 43-year-old author (no, neither have we), who lives in Nuneaton, says that she is not surprised.
In London couples are so busy that fertility clinics have to help them find windows of opportunity to make love.
Country people know that there is nothing like a little exercise to generate body heat.
So its less a matter of romance and more a matter of survival and saving on the firewood.
It sounds like central heating could do for the future of rutting country folk what BSE did for the cows.’
Black Widow
‘JANINE is playing the role of the grieving (black) widow to perfection. Shes managed to convince Ricky (admittedly not the hardest of tasks) that shes devastated by Barrys death and hes now going round the Square like a terrier, defending her honour.
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| Zoe takes more acting tips from the wooden door |
Ricky took Natalie to task for accusing Janine of killing Barry perish the thought. Janines at ome, cryin er eyes out, he spat at her. You dont know er like I do.
Natalie had arranged a fitting tribute to Barry, planting a big fat hideous shrub in The Square. Now every time we want to see daddy, we can come here, she gently told Jack. Surely every time they want to see daddy now, all theyll have to do is to go to his local job centre.
Along with murder, weve also got rape and incest storylines to see in the New Year down Walford way: the producers clearly starting the year as they mean to go on.
Little Mo has broken the news to Billy that not only is she pregnant from her rape by Graham, but shes keeping the baby. Billy was understandably less than keen on the idea and has moved out, forcing Mo to tell her family of harpies exactly what had happened.
You cant keep a rapists baby! screamed Kat, conveniently forgetting that shed done exactly that.
Billy has decided that his future is with now with The Family indeed the Mitchells are about as psychotic as Charles Mansons followers, only even less intelligent.
Sam told Billy about her plan to burn down the snooker all to claim on the insurance. You dont wanna do that, he told her, Ill burn down the Angies Den for yer. Which as a late Christmas present is at least more original that a pair of socks.
Billy being the Frank Spencer of the Underworld, however, manages to set fire to Vicky, whos locked in the cellar of the club. Its not clear yet if she dies or not we can but hope.
The Walford youth club are still recovering from their disastrous trip to Scotland. Zoe has come out of her coma (although its difficult to tell) but things are still frosty between her and Kelly.
In a feeble attempt to introduce a bit of ratings-boosting lesbionics, producers had the two girls kissing on a freezing mountain top to keep warm. (I wonder what copy of Readers Wives they stole that idea from.)
Now theyre back in The Square, Zoe is convinced that Kelly loves her in that special way and is doing her best to avoid her.
Another special pairing to come out of New Years Eve was Sonia and Martin. Theyve decided to give their very on-and-off relationship another go. Who knows? It may even end up in another illegitimate baby if theyre lucky.
The award for most appalling pairing of New Year, however, goes to Kereena and Tariq. Tariq revealed to his mate Mickey that Dan was not only Kereenas father but also his. Something that didnt seem to bother him while they were going out.
If I remember correctly (which to be fair I may not as the storyline was so tedious I fell asleep during it), Tariq finished with Kereena because she wouldnt sleep with him. Now Kereena is trying to win her half brother back.
I love you Tariq, I want us to have kids. At least Billy should be pleased: if Kereena and Tariq do have kids, hell no longer be the most retarded person in Walford.’
Short Shrift
‘WHEN we told you yesterday how Clare Short is still nursing a grudge after Jilly Johnson was chosen ahead of her as the first ever Page 3 girl, we omitted one important detail.
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| ‘I’ll check your weapons of mass destruction,’ says Birmingham’s Clare |
The negatives from that infamous 1974 photo session still exist. The Sun has them in its possession and is ready to inflict them on a terrified readership.
The photos of the MP for Birmingham Ladywood in various stages of undress are said to be the pictorial equivalent of the nerve agent, ricin.
Exposure to even the smallest amount can cause profound nausea, a flesh-crawling sensation and loss of sight. It is always fatal and there is no known cure.
Which is why, when the Sun warns that this mornings Page 3 contains a shocking picture of Clare Short topless, we take the warning seriously.
Luckily, this time it is a false alarm the Clare Short in question is NOT the barmy MP with a big majority and a Commons seat.
For our Clare, the paper explains to its army of relieved readers, used to be model Becky Rule until yesterday she legally changed her name.
Clares now namesake may believe that Page 3 is porn and should be banned, but our 24-year-old blonde is having none of it.
She must be mad, she says. My parents are thrilled Im posing topless here for the first time. Its every models ambition to appear in the Sun.
The Sun may be every British models dream, but where do you go after Page 3?
For international exposure, you cant beat Playboy, where your breasts can be ogled by men in all four corners of the globe.
The Sun reports this morning on how another blonde, Rod Stewarts ex Rachel Hunter, cheated death while on a Playboy shoot in Mexico after fire swept through the hotel where she was staying.
Luckily, the 35-year-old was not in the building a £500-a-night bungalow at the swanky Hotel Desconocido resort in Puerto Vallarta – at the time.
If Id gone to bed, I wouldnt be here today, a shaken Rachel tells the Sun.
Given that the shoot was Rachels first foray into topless modelling, can we put the blaze down to coincidence or do we detect higher forces at work?
We all know from our Bible that God can be a bit of a prude, but has He really come out in support of our Clare?’
Meat Balls
‘ITS shitty cheese that doesnt even have any cheese in it, just gum and crap and processed meat which is just fucking donkey bollocks.
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| ‘Makes a change from eating Pooh’ |
That is Jamie Olivers recipe for making kids food, as reproduced in this mornings Mirror.
Like many of Jamies other recipes, it is quick and easy to make. The only problem and it is a common one – is where to get hold of the ingredients.
Can we make a couple of suggestions? For the gum, feel under the seat in a bus, under the table in a train or anywhere within a 10-yard radius of the home dug-out at Old Trafford.
The crap you can obviously make yourself but, if you are worried about feeding your child your own waste, perhaps take a trip to the nearest park and look in the poop-scoop bins.
That just leaves the donkey bollocks, which unfortunately can prove something of a challenge.
Donkeys themselves are not that easy to find and the ones we have come across have unsurprisingly not been keen on relinquishing their most precious assets.
However, the good news is that Sainsburys are due to bring out a range of Healthy Eating Kids Options later in the year, based on Jamies recipes.
The Donkeys Bollocks (featuring the gonads of asses reared in Peru especially for the task) are expected to be a big hit with adults and children alike.’
You Couldn’t Make It Up
‘WHAT is the difference between Kerry McFadden, buxom wife of Westlife porker Bryan, and Jordan, buxom consort of anyone who asks politely?
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| Meanwhile, strange creatures were lurking in the bush… |
The answer, according to the Star, which this morning runs the (very big) rule over the pair, is very little.
Both boast FF chests, although Kerrys is completely natural, while Jordans is the result of three visits to the plastic surgeon.
Both are appearing in the new series of Im A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
But, as we reported yesterday, Jordan is likely to be paid up to four times as much as Kerry to appear on the show.
And the Mail offers an explanation as to why make-up.
Apparently, it is not just your CV that you need to make up when you go for a job – wearing the right make-up on your face can more than double your salary.
The paper sent reporter Lucie Morris to six different branches of Reed Employment, wearing the same outfit and presenting the same CV. The only thing different was her hair and make-up.
Depending on how she looked, she was offered secretarial work for £16,000 a year, events management with a salary of £25,000 a year and an executive position at £35,000 a year.
Interestingly, no-one suggested a position as a journalist.’
Killjoy Woz Ere
‘THERE is nothing so wrong with this dear country of ours that banning fox-hunting and outlawing the Page 3 girl wouldn’t solve.
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| It should have been you, Clare |
With the former making slow, but inexorable, progress in its journey to the statute book, it was high time for Clare Short to turn her attention to the latter.
And so she did, the MP telling a Westminster lunch that she wanted ‘to take pornography out of the press’.
‘I’d love to ban it,’ she said. ‘It degrades women and our country.’
But the Sun’s stunnas won’t put their tops on without a fight, launching a nationwide petition ‘to make sure one of Britain’s great traditions remains’.
Nicola McLean, one of an army of Page 3 girls who yesterday descended in a Sun bus on Ms Short’s house, offered her considered opinion.
‘It’s pathetic of her,’ she said, ‘to jump up and down about what is essentially a pair of boobs – after all, half the population have them.
‘Even Clare has boobs, but obviously she’s not proud of them like we are of ours.’
As if the image of Clare Short jumping up and down with her boobs hanging out wasn’t enough to test even the hardiest constitution, the Sun gives its readers’ imaginations a helping hand, mocking up a picture of the member for Birmingham Ladywood as she might look as a Page 3 girl.
And, all of a sudden, the reason behind her long-running and deep-seated antipathy to Page 3 girls becomes clear.
Picture the scene: it’s 1974 and a wide-eyed 28-year-old from Birmingham skips happily into the Fleet Street offices of the Sun, lacy lingerie in her hand and dreams of making history in her head.
But it is Jilly Johnson who is chosen to be the first Page 3 girl – and an embittered 28-year-old from Birmingham leaves, vowing to become an MP and dedicate the rest of her life to fighting such injustice wherever she should encounter it.’
Treasure Chest
‘THE Sun had better watch out – when Clare Short promises to do something, she does it.
| Jordan can fashion a whole wardrobe out of clingfilm |
When she said she was going to resign from the Cabinet if Britain went to war with Iraq without a second UN resolution, she did it.
Admittedly, it took her the best part of two months to do so, but remember which one it was of the hare and the tortoise that won the race.
So, having cleared the filth out of the Augean stables that is the red-top press, Clare’s next labour will be to fight for the rights of the furious telly stars who have just found out that Jordan is to be paid four times as much as them to appear in the next series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
The Star says famous names such as, er, Peter Andre, Diana Modahl, Jennie Bond, Lord Brocket and Kerry McFadden are threatening to go on strike unless they receive equal pay.
ITV bosses have apparently agreed to pay the nine contestants £30,000 each to compensate for loss of earnings while they are in the Australian jungle, while Jordan will be getting something closer to £100,000.
Of course, the extra amount is not only in recognition of the fact that viewers actually know who Jordan is, but it also takes into account the model’s jungle training.
She is, in fact, the product of a hideous ménage a trois involving Ray Mears, Steve Irwin and a camel – and is able to survive for months without food or water in even the most inhospitable environments.
All of which should be fantastic news for the other nine jungle dwellers.
If ITV is paying them £30,000 each for loss of earnings, we can only assume it expects them to be in the jungle for several months, if not years.’
Diana – The Truth
‘LET us take you back to August 31 1997. The city is Paris, the place is the Pont d’Alma underpass.
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| Diana got into a bad habit of not wearing a seatbelt at an early age |
We all know what is about to happen – Princess Diana, the queen of all of our hearts, is about to die in the shattered wreck of a Mercedes.
But what of the events leading up to the fatal crash? Until now, it has been pure speculation, but this morning the Mail tells the story from the person who witnessed it.
Mohamed Medjhani was driving immediately in front of the car carrying the Princess and Dodi Fayed – and saw events unfold in his rear-view mirror.
‘I heard the terrible noise of screeching brakes and screaming tyres,’ he said in a statement to French police, ‘and saw a big car slewing out of control across the carriageway behind me and hurtling towards my car.’
Seconds later, he heard a huge explosion as the Mercedes bounces between a concrete pillar and the tunnel wall.
‘It was a dreadful sound, like a bomb exploding,’ he said, ‘magnified and echoing around the underpass.’
And soon followed by a screech of tyres as a Fiat Uno sped away, at its wheel a middle-aged, jug-eared man laughing uncontrollably to a begonia in the passenger seat…’
It’s All Relative
‘CONGRATULATIONS to 22-year-old car saleswoman Kristina King, winner of the Stars sensational Search For A Babe 2004 competition.
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| Not as big an arse as Johnson |
Lucy Pinder she isnt lets face it, who apart from Lucy is? but she is a blistering blonde who lists Kelly Brook and Nell McAndrew as her idols and mo-delling and TV presenting as her ambitions.
And, despite beating thousands of other hopefuls to the crown, Kristina is reassuringly modest about her achievement.
Obviously, Im thrilled to win, she said, but honestly it really has taken me by surprise.
And what better surprise with which to start her mo-delling career than to share the front page of the Star with her idol Kelly Brook and Voice Of An Angel Charlotte Church.
As Kelly strips off in the sun, Charlotte is said to be in a fury after learning that ex-boyfriend Steven Johnsons new girlfriend is, in fact, his cousin.
The Star reminds us that the love rat staged a romance with Tazmin Proctor at Justin Timberlakes party to try to make the 17-year-old singer jealous.
However, the pair only linked up to go to showbiz parties after Steven was dumped by Charlotte and Tamzin split up with footballer Sol Campbell.
They were just playing up for the cameras and to wind up Charlotte, a friend revealed. Its just one big act.
Steven is from a huge family and Charlotte had no idea they were related.
Note to readers from Norfolk: Yes, we know you are allowed to marry your cousins; its just a bit icky.
Note to readers from the New Forest: No, you are not allowed to marry your sister. Or your mother.’
Keep Kilroy Off The Box
‘SHIP, Ship, Hooray! Thus does the Sun celebrate the death yesterday of Britains most prolific serial killer, Dr Harold Shipman.
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| The doctor is out |
The former GP who killed more patients than the rest of the NHS put together hanged himself in Wakefield Prison a day before his 58th birthday.
And in doing so, he (in the view of the Mail) escaped the long years of punishment intended by a life sentence and made a mockery of justice.
He also escaped the traditional birthday greetings, such as being given the bumps by fellow inmates to a rousing chorus of For hes a jolly good fellow.
But Shipman is small fry the Express concentrates its fury on another (and far greater) mockery of justice, the case of Robert Kilroy Silk.
The worlds greatest newspaper continues its crusade to get the 61-year-old former MP reinstated by the BBC by trying to prove that he was right.
As evidence, it highlights the case of Sudanese 16-year-old Intisar Bakri Abdulgader, who faces the prospect of 100 lashes in public for having sex outside marriage.
Her tragic case, it says, highlights the barbarism exposed by Sunday Express columnist Robert Kilroy Silk before being suspended by the BBC.
Indeed. In fact, the case of one African teenager proves beyond argument what we all know – that all Arabs are suicide bombers, limb amputators and women repressors.
Just as the case of Dr Shipman confirms our suspicions that all doctors are callous murderers. And have beards.
However, what the Express fails to realise is that Kilroy Silks views on Arabs, blacks, Jews and the Welsh are irrelevant its just that we cant stand him.
Which is why this morning Anorak launches its own crusade/jihad (delete as appropriate): Keep Kilroy Off The Box.
All abuse of The Sunbed King gratefully received at the normal address.’
Penny Dropped
‘KEEN readers of Anorak will know what fans of Penny Lancaster – photographer, girlfriend to Rod Stewart and occasional underwear model we are.
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| ‘And this is my flash’ |
And if we allow ourselves a little smile at this mornings news that the 32-year-old blonde has been dropped as the face, tits and arse of lingerie giant Ultimo, it is only because we know that the decision will allow her to spend more time on the other side of the camera.
The Sun says Ultimo took the decision not to renew her £200,000 contract because she is hardly recognised outside the UK.
Penny has got the company some great publicity in the past year, a source told the paper.
But we felt we needed someone who has a bigger international profile. Penny is a very sexy girl, but isnt known outside England.
Isnt known AS A MODEL outside England, we think you mean. Her photography is deservedly celebrated in every corner of the globe.’
