Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Church Goer
‘IT’S not only Maria Church who can’t stand her daughter’s ex-boyfriend, Steven Johnson – the rest of us are fast coming to the same conclusion.
| ”And I hear they might even have pineapple chunks on a stick” |
The 19-year-old model-DJ’s pathetic attempts to make Charlotte Church feel jealous by flirting wildly at a showbiz party are plastered across this morning’s papers.
And no-one, least of all the woman who dumped him six weeks ago, seems remotely impressed by his efforts.
Not even the object of his attentions Tazmin Proctor, a former Miss Wales and ex-girlfriend of footballer Sol Campbell.
One fellow guest at the party at London’s Rex bar tells the Sun that Johnson kept grabbing Tazmin’s face and trying to kiss her in front of Charlotte, ”but Tazmin wasn’t interested and kept struggling away”.
”I’d bet all the sheep in Wales that they’re not a real couple,” the onlooker said. ”The body language was tragic.”
The Star says Charlotte spent most of her time on the dancefloor with her girlfriends or talking to Justin Timberlake.
”Who cares about having to bump into your ex-girlfriend at a party when you’ve got the attention of the sexiest man on the planet?” one fellow partygoer said.
However, the Sun says Charlotte’s only bad moment came when she walked past Steven’s table and slipped on a discarded vol-au-vent.
Vols-au-vent? At a ”star-studded” party in London’s ”posh” Rex bar? To go with the heated up sausage rolls served from the hostess trolley?’
Better To Be Thought A Fool…
‘IF you can tell a lot about a man by his enemies, you can tell a lot more about him by his friends.
| A victim of PC and UV |
And judging by the pictures in this morning’s Express of two supporters of Robert Kilroy-Silk, Middle England is revolting in both senses of the word.
Nevertheless, the Express is trying desperately to turn Kilroy into a martyr, a victim of political correctness and what he calls a ”cosmopolitan media elite”.
[Cosmopolitan is clearly, in Kilroy Silk’s mind, a derogatory term.]
But the BBC talk show host seems to have got himself in a complete mess over this, unsure whether to defend his comments about Arabs or not.
On one hand, he has apologised for the obvious inaccuracies in his offending article; on the other, he complains that he is being prevented from expressing ”genuinely, honestly held opinions”.
Kilroy receives support from the Express’s rival, the Mail – albeit the defence from the pen of Stephen Glover is somewhat muted.
”If the rest of us are to be free to say and write what we want,” he says, ”so must Mr Kilroy-Silk be allowed to speak his mind, however full of nonsense it may be.”
And, let’s face it, no-one knows more about talking nonsense than Glover and his fellow cronies on the Daily Mail.’
Maid In England
‘JOURNALISTS frequently risk life and limb to bring us their reports from war-zones, to infiltrate criminal gangs or to interview Naomi Campbell.
| Beware Of The Dogs, Chefs, Valets… |
But few assignments can have been as hazardous as the three months Mirror hack Ryan Parry spent inside Buckingham Palace last year.
If you are not being raped by a fellow member of staff, being mauled by Princess Anne’s dog or being asked to give the heir to the throne ”a wake-up call”, then chances are your physical well-being is being threatened in another way.
The Mirror this morning tells the story of how one of the Queen’s chefs, Richard Evans, supposedly launched a brutal attack on a Royal maid after a late-night vodka session.
He reportedly grabbed the girl by the throat, threw her to the floor and repeatedly kicked and punched her.
But the incident was hushed up by the Palace after senior staff persuaded the girl, who is in her 20s, not to press charges.
”Again the Palace are trying to sweep another scandal under the carpet,” a source tells the paper.
”This man should be prosecuted for what he’s done. Instead, the Palace are trying to do it their way and in doing so a violent crime will go unpunished.”
The incident happened after Evans (nicknamed Flash) arranged a drinking session in the room of the maid, with whom he was at the time good friends.
However, a row erupted and Evans, who is described as a recluse and has been suffering from depression for more than a year, turned violent.
”She had bruising all over her body and a black eye,” the source adds. ”She was in a bad way and had to see the Royal doctor.”
Buckingham Palace confirmed that the incident had taken place, but denied that any pressure had been put on the maid not to press charges.
All they said was that, if she did decide to take the matter further, she might find herself entrusted with walking Princess Anne’s dogs for the next month.’
Barmy Army
‘YOU’VE got your PA, your driver, your publicist, your diet coach, your lifestyle guru, your toothpaste squeezer…but have you got a place in your entourage for a military adviser?
| ”Mine makes ‘realistic battle noises’ and has a light that flashes” |
No? Well, why not? Who’s going to help you choose what brand of armoured personnel carrier to buy? Who’s going to let you know what everyone’s wearing in the desert this season?
These days, anyone who is anyone has their own military adviser, normally provided from within the thinning ranks of the British Army.
Major General Ken Perkins fills that role for the Sun and this morning he tells readers of Britain’s most popular paper why the resignation of Gulf War hero Colonel Tim Collins is ”a flashing red light” the MoD cannot afford to ignore.
Colonel Collins, you will recall, shot to fame as a result of his ”inspiring” eve-of-battle speech to the soldiers of the Royal Irish regiment under his command in Iraq.
But he has decided to quit for a lucrative career on civvy street, saying the Army was so underfunded and ill-equipped it was in danger of becoming ”a glorified Home Guard”.
It is a picture that Major General Perkins recognises.
”During his years of service,” he says, ”Col Collins has seen the resources at his disposal decrease to such an extent that men are sent ill-equipped into battle.
”Without flak jackets, without even proper boots. With radios years out of date.”
And wearing khaki, which is so last year’s colour.
”He has seen the quality of life suffer,” Maj-Gen Perkins continues, ”as Britain’s under-strength armed forces are stretched to breaking point to enable Tony Blair to strut the world stage and face down the firemen when they strike.”
And the Sun is, as one would expect, backing our brave boys, blaming ”red tape” and ”political correctness” for making it impossible for soldiers to do their jobs properly.
For instance, British soldiers are no longer provided with real bullets because it is thought they might cause serious injury or even, in some cases, death.
And instead of using guns, squaddies are encouraged to employ the latest conflict resolution techniques to stop the enemy shooting at them.
”Saddam, you have got a lot of anger inside you. Tell me about your earliest memories of your mother…”’
Attention Seeker
‘VICTORIA Beckham has ”wealth, beauty, talent, a loving family and the respect of her fans”.
| Going down |
Or so says this morning’s Star, which laments how the artist formerly known as Posh Spice’s desperation to get a No.1 record has seen her ”once-admirable” ambition turn ugly.
Over the weekend, Victoria was spotted in the back of the couple’s Bentley unbuckling her husband’s belt and apparently grabbing hold of his manhood.
”The scenes were made public on the day her record fell four places,” the paper notes.
And publicist Max Clifford is in no doubt that it was all a desperate attempt to grab some publicity.
”It’s obvious that she’s trying to make an impact but it all seems really sad and desperate to me,” he says.
”It’s a sad fact that the harder she tries to get her career on an up by chasing headlines, the more her record sales seem to tumble – only David’s stock seems to rise.”
If David’s stock was the only thing that was rising in the back of the Bentley, Victoria has got more than just a failing pop career to worry about.’
Sweet Dreams, My (Again) Ex
‘ANOTHER woman with a faltering pop career is former S Clubber Rachel Stevens, who this morning has announced that her relationship with Holby City actor Jeremy Edwards is definitely over.
| Rachel sticks her tongue – and her breasts – out at her critics |
You might recall that the couple split up in August last year, coincidentally at exactly the same time that Rachel released her first solo single.
The dirge – Sweet Dreams, My LA Ex – made it to No.2 in the charts on the back of the publicity, and Rachel and Jeremy duly got back together again.
The couple stayed together as the album Funky Dory only made it as high as No.79 in the charts and the 25-year-old’s second single limped to No.26.
So, lo and behold, the Mirror informs us that on the eve of releasing her third, as yet unnamed, record Rachel is again a single woman.
”It is not lost on Rachel that by being single she is more likely to win over an army of male admirers,” a source close to the couple tells the paper.
”And the publicity gained by announcing her split from Jeremy is a welcome boost as she concentrates on her solo career.”’
Fish Fingered
‘SALMON can give you cancer.
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| Smoking can seriously damage your health and the health of your fish |
Sorry to be so stark about things but the truth must be told. The Mail is so keen to get the message across to its well-heeled readers that it splashes a warning on its front page.
The headline advice, as given by a team of scientists, is unequivocal: Only Eat Salmon Three Times A Year.
And that is salmon in any form, although passively eating a smoked salmon will surely give you cancer at a faster rate than, say, eating a salmon rissole or, perhaps, a poached salmon.
Of course, such news is neither here nor there to the less hoity-toity readers of the Star, although they too are in for a shock to the system.
In a story ably illustrated by glamour mod-el Nicola McLean, who can be seen eating a chip from a furled-up copy of the paper, readers learn that fish and chips is rooted in French cuisine.
Professor Panikos Panayi, of Leicesters De Montfort University, has reached the conclusion that the fish supper is a combination of foreign dishes.
The origins of the dish are complex, but it probably came about as a result of combining French frites with Jewish fish dishes, he says.
It certainly isnt the traditional British food people might think it is.
It seems that fish n chips is not as mundane is it pretends to be.
However, the now not-so-humble battered cod will have to go some to match the exotic nature of salmon, what with its secret ingredients of toxaphene and lashings of dioxins.’
Phil Her Up
‘ONE woman free from additives is the Stars very own Lucy Pinder. Shes back this morning to tell us how shes off for two weeks skiing and fish n chip-munching in France.
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| ‘Why can’t people see the real me?’ |
Skiings a great way to keep in shape, says Lucy, showing us her shape (at no small risk to her health) by selflessly unzipping her anorak.
Of course, there are easier ways to keep in shape, especially if your desired form is fat and round.
For instance, you can avoid painful trips to France and the lard counter by contacting a surgeon and asking him to inflate two beach balls in the part of your chest reserved for breasts.
The result is an entirely new shape and a new look.
And if you can see beyond the orbs heading the Mirrors way, youll notice that the ambulatory beach volleyball kit is none other than Danniella Westbrook.
The paper watches the former EastEnders actress as she shoots the breeze with Philip Scholfield on television.
Having already told her Well done! Theyre fantastic, the presenter proceeded to ogle her chest. And Danniella noticed.
I think hes a bit obsessed with them, says Danniella. Hes a bit of a pervert.
Of course, hed have to go some to be more obsessed with them that Danniella, who can be heard talking about her breasts, volleyball and her breasts again pretty much everywhere she goes.’
Time Is Money
‘ITS too late to warn Lucy Pinder, who is already in France, but we hope that we can do a public service to some others thinking about taking a trip to the continent.
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| Warning: This money is worthless |
The Express has a story about father-of-three Graham Nicolas who went to Greece in search of sun, sea and Shirley Valentine.
Unluckily for him, before he made the trip he made an earlier jaunt to the Post Office to pick up some euros.
And its lucky he did because he needed 3,000 of them to pay his way out of a Greek jail when he was nicked for passing off counterfeit currency.
I am an innocent man who became a victim of a flawed system, says Nicolas, who faces the prospect of a lengthy sentence for fraud.
He claims that the fake notes were given to him at the Post Office. Hes adamant that hes the victim of a corrupt system and plans to fight for his freedom.
An as soon as hes posted a letter of complaint to the Post Office, and affixed the stamp with its picture of James Hewitt in profile, hell move one step closer to clearing his name.’
Walking With Pandas
‘TODAY’S news is sure to have the self-styled creatives who run the TV schedules spluttering into their mochachinos and celebrating that they’ve found a couple of new formats.
| ”You are the weakest link. Goodbye” |
They will have read the news in the Express that in little over 50 years from now a third of all non-human mammals will be extinct.
That in itself suggests a TV gameshow, one where cape pygmy owls and panda bears do battle to see who will live and who will go the way of the dodo.
Dying With Pandas will be a sure-fire hit for the Beeb.
But better is the variant on the current theme of the Brits who seek new lives abroad as we learn how the Scottish crossbill may need to move to Iceland to survive as its native habitat warms up under global warming.
Cameras will follow Hamish as he and his young family take a flight to Reykjavik and set up home on the tundra.
Will the Crossbills survive their first winter abroad? Will their berry groves bear fruit? Will the locals be friendly or peck them to within an inch of death?
It is sure to be every bit as captivating as the current TV output.
Indeed, if Hamish could move in with a female red-necked Phalaropes while her husband makes a flight in the opposite direction, so very much the better.
There are enough permutations to make the mind of a television executive boggle.
But when it comes to future TV stars there can be none more incandescent than a three-year-old border collie named Benjamin.
The Mail hears Ben’s agent, Clive Pendly, claim that his dog is the smartest pooch in the world.
Benjamin knows the names of 56 different toys (his cuddly stegosaurus never fails to impress), can pick up litter and place it in a bin and most probably wrote the article in the paper.
So clever is he that he is to feature on a TV show to find Britain’s cleverest pet. Of course, we already knew that he would.
And, like you, we look forward to the show and the chance to ask Benjamin which animals he thinks will not be around in 50 years time – and if he thinks a soap opera about pets for pets and by pets is too ahead of its time.’
Becoming A Cropper
‘YOU see soap operas are not only barometers of the national psyche (it says in this old press release for Albion Market) but they have a profound influence on how we live our lives.
| ”Anorak? Never read it” |
It cannot have escaped anyone’s notice that ever since EastEnders slunk onto our screens, people from Hull to Hereford have been speaking with reedy Estuary English accents.
Other changing fashions have been instigated by Coronation Street. Millions of us now have babies at 13 and seek to kill old folk with a well-placed pillow over the face.
But just as these positives are much in evidence, so too are the negatives, and the Star uses its front page to discuss Hayley Cropper’s anorak.
Coronation Street’s Hayley looks so sexually unappealing in her red anorak (her sex change from Harold has made her a bisexual turn-off) that Dorothy Perkins, who make the jacket, have dropped it form their stores.
The Express takes up the story and hears how women owners of the garment actually wrote to Julie Hesmondhalgh (the actress who plays Hayley) begging her to stop wearing the thing because people were calling them Hayley.
Says Julie: ”I can’t believe all the controversy the anorak has sparked, it’s unbelievable.”
We, of course, know how controversial an Anorak can be and salute Julie for her brave stance and offer her a 10% discount on our eternally popular Comfi-Slax range of A-line skirts and anoraks for the fuller figured woman.’
Teacher’s Pets
‘HAVE you met SARAH? She’s the new girl in class today, and we want you all to make her feel welcome.
| And this is what happened to the kids who didn’t do anger management classes |
Perhaps SARAH would like to tell us about herself, via the Mail.
”Yes, my name is SARAH or Stop talking; Active listening; Repeat back what is said to you; Accept feelings of others; and Help others to make choices.”
Since no one likes a smart arse, we’ll hear no more from SARAH and turn instead to her parent, Nesta Murray, headteacher at St Ann’s C of E Primary School, London.
”As soon as children get really cross with each other, the mentor appears and says, ‘Would you like to talk about it?’,” she explains.
”Children listen better to their friends than teachers sometimes.”
Having looked at the quality of teaching staff around, if Murray is correct, children seem to have adapted to the prevailing culture rather than discovered innate qualities in empathy and listening.
But if we have a problem with the scheme we can do as the unruly nippers do and go and wait at the ”Friendship Stop”, a bench in the playground where one of the mentors (a 6 to 11-year-old trained in anger management and conflict resolution) will give us advice and counselling.
And then, as is the way with most children, steal our lunch money and flick our ears in a firm but fair manner.’
A Black Day
‘BLESSEDLY, the Mirror brings news that the Princess Diana ”MURDER’ PROBE’ will be overseen by none other than the nation’s top cop, Metropolitan Commissioner Sir John Stevens.
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| WANTED: Swarthy foreigner to fit up for death of a princess |
Soon we will know the truth, namely that the man who did for our Princess of Hearts was a black male immigrant driving a stolen mini cab.
But even though the police have their suspects, we still have to go through the motions of an investigation – and that, according to the Sun, is ‘DIABOLICAL’.
This investigation will ‘waste’ millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money, a fact the Sun finds shocking.
But surely the paper is wrong to complain. Such has been the emoting about Our Lady Of The Immaculate Dress that the legion of Diana fans that make up the taxpaying populace will be happy to pay up to see her alleged killer(s) brought to justice.
Indeed, the real shock is that the Sun’s offices are not right now surrounded by ululating taxpayers upset that Di’s name has wound up in some front-page pun.
But the truly unfortunate headlines belong to the Mail. Take the front-page effort: ‘CHARLES: HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE?’
This might be a question best aimed at Charles’ butler. Although rumours about Charles’ sexuality were a tawdry affair, we cannot help but wince at the Mail’s second headline on the matter, this time talking about ‘CHARLES’S ANNUS HORRIBLIS’.
And it’s set to get messier yet if the plant-talker is questioned about the death of his ex-wife and the mother of his children.
But, as we suspect, given the police’s handling of many other high-profile cases, justice will be done – or seen to be done.
So if you see or hear of any swarthy immigrants banging on about the death of our Princess, please let the authorities know.
Di’s old mates living and shopping in the Knightsbridge area should be especially vigilant…’
Three Chairs For Vinnie
‘FROM high life to low life, the Sun moves away from Diana to show us what Vinnie Jones is getting up to these days.
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| Vinnie does ‘concerned’ |
In ‘WHITE VIN MAN’, the paper follows the former footballer as he embarks on his latest role as a humble community service operative.
In scene one, Vinnie takes hold of one end of a large cupboard. Another man in a baseball cap not dissimilar to Vinnie’s grabs the other end. On the count of ‘Three!’ they lift and carry the cupboard into a building.
The group is known as the Dacorum Paradise Furniture Project and has been appearing in Hemel Hempstead, Herts.
But if you want to catch the show, you’d best be quick because this production is running for just 80 hours, after which time Vinnie will once more be appearing anywhere where he can talk about life in LA, his showbiz mates and how damn hard he is.
But before that, the Sun hears what one local reviewer is saying about Mr Jones’ performance.
‘I saw these blokes loading some chairs and tables into a neighbour’s house and realised one of them was Vinnie Jones,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t believe it at first.
‘He had his baseball cap pulled down quite low and he looked like he was trying to avoid being spotted… At one stage he was talking on his mobile phone while the two other blokes did all the work.’
The Sun’s publicity stills bear out Vinnie’s versatility, as readers see him flitting between sheepish, brooding, idle and plain hulking in a manner not unlike a young Olivier.
Tomorrow look out for Vinnie touring in your area. And if you need a hand lifting and shifting some furniture, don’t be afraid to ask – Vinnie will relish the chance to get further into character.’
Just The Ticket
‘SOLOMON would have known what to do. But given the received wisdom that possession is nine tenths of the law, the chances of Rebecca Jemison sharing her £37m lottery winnings with Elecia Battle appear slimmer than Atomic Kitten at a meeting of the Vanessa Feltz Appreciation Society.
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| Losers weepers |
The Sun takes up the story of how Elecia Battle bought a lottery ticket from her local shop and then lost it when she dropped her bag in the street.
Later, when the winning lottery numbers were announced, she realised she’d won but failed to find her ticket.
She reported the matter to the police, giving them the numbers, which tallied with her family’s ages and birthdays.
The police even seemed to believe that she had genuinely lost her ticket.
As Lt Kevin Nieter tells the Mirror: ‘We don’t believe she’s fabricating it but there’s no real way of knowing other than going on her word.’
But trumping Battle’s word is Rebecca Jemison, who one week after the draw was made produced the winning ticket, bought, as luck would have it, at the same shop where Battle claims to have bought hers.
The situation is now likely to end up in court, where the judge will decide who gets the dough.
And whoever wins, we, the British taxpayers, wish them every happiness, and remind them that Princess Diana was every bit their Princess as she was ours.
And if they’d like to help with the investigation into her death, it would be appreciated.
Please send money, tickets, Fiat Unos and gold bars to the Anorak Di-ing For Love appeal at the usual address.
We know she would have wanted it thus.’
Two Weddings & A Funeral
‘ALFIE and Kat saw in 2004 as man and wife after their wedding finally went ahead despite the groom still being married and having a service conducted by David Little Briton Williams.
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| Bride comes before a fall |
Christmas morning saw Kat being shoehorned into a giant red sausage skin and Alfie running around The Square like was still doing the Daz doorstep challenge. Alfies divorce hadnt come through and the registrar told him that he wasnt prepared to risk prison and marry him.
So rather than face the wrath of Kat (and lets face it, who could blame him?) he decided to allow one of Spencers mates to pretend to be the registrar. Just at the last minute, however, Alfie had an attack of conscience and confessed all to Kat, who took it surprisingly well.
Oh, Alfie, she simpered, I do love ya, but yer keep messin it up. Luckily for her and the ratings Alfies lawyer suddenly burst through the doors of the Vic, waving his divorce papers in his hand.
In Walford Winter Wonderland, both lawyers and registrars not only work on Christmas Day, they seem to be available free of charge as within minutes the wedding was back on and the Slaters were knocking back the free bar as only they know how.
There was less good news for others in The Square as news of Phil Mitchells escape spread. But in the end, Phils return was about as terrifying as a Channel 4 game of live Russian Roulette.
After growling at Kate for a bit, he meekly handed over his gun and went skulking off into the night. His much anticipated fight with Den and Mini-Den consisted of breaking a couple of chairs in the E20 and name calling.
You stole my wife, snarled Phil to Dennis in a very playground manner. Well, his one was probably bigger than yours, Phil.
The real EastEnders Christmas wedding, however, didnt actually take place in Walford but hundreds of miles away in Scotland.
Janine had fled to Scotland as part of a complicated plan to get Barry to marry her. Barry had panicked after the doctor told me he had an enlarged heart (thatll be a fat heart then), and cancelled his engagement.
I couldnt bear the fort of you being a young widow, he told a furious Janine. Which is ironic as thats exactly what Janine ended up only a week later.
Janine pretended she was fleeing to Scotland to get over a broken heart when all along she was waiting for Paul to persuade Barry to follow her and make an honest woman out of her (which would be quite an achievement).
You and Janine are meant to be togefer, Paul told Barry, without adding the at least until youve drawn up your will bit. Poor Barry fell for Pauls lies and before you could say Cremation or burial?, Barry and Janine were man and wife.
Janine didnt have long to stick out her marriage to Walfords version of Mr Blobby however as the very next day Barry was dead. Ive done some terrible fings for money but bein with you is the worst, Janine screamed at Barry before shoving him off a cliff top.
To be fair to Janine, it didnt seem like she actively intended to kill him, but kill him she did. And never one to look a gift horse/fat knacker in the mouth, she rushed back to the hotel and let Paul find his body.
Tell me you didnt have nofink to do wif it, Paul begged Janine, who was happily filling in funeral forms before Barrys body was cold. Of course not! she said, but you must admit, its very fortunate for us.
Paul, to give him some credit was horrified and promptly left Janine in Scotland and went to break the news to Natalie and Pat. But Janine, being the giant butterball that she is, just keeps bouncing back and the Black Widow hot-footed it back to Walford on the next train, ready to play the grieving widow.
Theres another shock in store for Pat and Natalie this week when its revealed that Barry died without a will which means, as his legal wife, Janines entitled to everything. And who says crime doesnt pay?’
Killer Wales?
‘THROUGHOUT history, murderers have not always conformed to the stereotypical image of a crazed killer.
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| Facing life at Mummy’s pleasure? |
Ted Bundy was the family man, John Christie the respectable academic and Jeffrey Dahmer the meat lover – all masked their bloodlust behind a wall of everyday blandness.
But now we have a more unlikely killer than even they. The Mirror brings news that the man Princess Diana thought was trying to off her was none other than…Prince Charles.
The paper has reproduced what the odious Paul Burrell claims to be an ‘insurance’ note given to him by Diana for safekeeping.
It runs: ‘This particular phase of my life is the most dangerous – my husband is planning ‘an accident’ in my car, brake failure & serious head injury in order to make the path clear for him to marry.’
You can imagine Diana listening in as Charles discusses his alleged plot with a begonia – or, perhaps, given that the paper notes that at the time of the note’s writing Diana was ‘plagued with insecurities’, the plant began to talk to her.
These are things that, in truth, we will never know since Diana did die in a car accident, although not one in which her own car was involved.
But the biggest shock must be that in Diana’s mind Prince Charles had the capacity to contemplate a killing, let alone actually strap on a boiler suit and tinker with a car’s workings.
Charles the killer is as far-fetched as hearing that Prince Eddie has won an Oscar, Princess Anne has married a horse and Prince Andrew has become useful.
And it is a notion that Frederick Forsyth is quick to dismiss, saying in the Mail how even he, the master crime fiction writer, could not have dreamt up anything as outlandish as this.
He reminds us ‘that the successful murder of a famous figure is far easier said than done’.
‘Those who think it is piece of cake have been watching too many bad TV movies,’ he says.
Or reading too many bad books written by odd little ex-butlers…’
Picture Perfect
‘DID you know that two-thirds of girls under the age of 13 are on a diet? No, not a diet of crisps, hooch and morning after pills, but one of lo-fat foods and lashings of protein.
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| And here’s one we made earlier |
The Express has looked at a survey in a teenage girl’s magazine and found that a quarter of 14-year-olds are considering having plastic surgery or taking diet pills.
The reasoning behind the lust for a thin frame is that, as the Star reports, nine out of ten British girls think stick-thin women pull the best men.
This is fine until you and they realise that pencil-thin Calista Flockhart dates aging Harrison Ford and that Victoria Beckham is a vision of healthy eating, blessed as she is with plump non-surgically enhanced breasts and a backside the size and texture of a ripe mango.
But it’s no use talking to the young, so the Sun just illustrates the story with pictures. It uses computer imagery to produce the ideal babe.
The resulting chimera has Rachel Stevens’ face, Christine Aguilera’s boobs and tummy, Britney Spears’ arms, Jennifer Lopez’s bottom and the legs of Beyonce Knowles.
The runner-up has Pink’s face, Kelly Osbourne’s legs and the frame of our very own Michelle McManus.
In third place is Vanessa Feltz…’
The Virgin Bride
‘MARRY in haste, repent at leisure is an adage as true today as it ever was. But for busy Britney Spears the realisation that she married the wrong man took just 12 hours.
| ”I’m saving myself for marriage” |
The Sun hears an unnamed pal of the singer claim that, after two days of hard partying, Britney and one Jason Alexander took a ride to the Little White Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas, and tied the knot.
Well, it was more of loose bow since moments after saying, ”I do” Britney recognised her folly and called for an annulment.
Even the recipe for a successful marriage, as written on a card given to the couple by the chapel owners (”Take two hearts full of love, two cups of friendship and four armfuls of gentleness”), could not save the day.
As luck has it Mr Alexander-Spears-Oops! is not contesting the annulment, so not placing any claim on his wife’s wealth and blessedly sparing us from hearing about whether he did or didn’t have sex with her.
Indeed, as the Express’ picture shows, Jason looks like a nice enough lad, all preppy and clean cut in that neat and wholesome American way.
And his parents are happy for him, too. Jason’s dad, Dennis, speaking from his one-floor wooden house, tells the Express that he doesn’t blame his son for doing something he’d have done himself.
”If Jennifer Lopez had called me up and invited me to New York I’d have been straight there,” explains Dennis, who given the amount of news space given to Britney’s nuptials would do well not to stray too far from his phone.’
Stars And Their Cars
‘PUBLICITY is the oxygen of the celebrity classes. And we can only wonder at how far a celeb will go to keep their name in the papers.
| ”If you’re not the one” |
Mindful of this (but far from accusing anyone of pulling a dangerous publicity stunt), we learn in the Express that Daniel Bedingfield has been involved in an horrific car crash.
While in New Zealand, his jeep skidded off the road and flipped on to its roof, crushing Daniel’s neck.
The singer, who the paper reminds us with palpable lack of sensitivity has enjoyed three No.1 ”hits”, has serious fractures to his second and third vertebrae.
This is all very worrying, not least for Daniel; but the Express reminds us that the star is not the originator of the headline-making traffic accident and merely follows in the skidmarks of others, chief among whom is Ozzy Osbourne.
The paper says that after his quad bike accident, Ozzy ”died twice” and was in a coma for eight days.
The somewhat ironic result of that prang is that unconscious Ozzy (although he is now awake) remains high in the public consciousness, occupying no less lofty a position than second place (Britney Spears is at No. 1) in the OK! Celebrity Chart.
Daniel Bedingfield’s pluck has enabled him to get a spot at No.6, which although not the prized fourth No.1 of his career, is a decent enough effort.’
A Nation Of Sickos
‘WE at Anorak are very excited to read on the Mail’s front page that at any one time six million Brits are officially too sick to work.
| Let’s all laugh at Dave – the only Brit in work today |
Our readership figures have been going through the roof of late and now we would like to thank you, the sick, for forgoing the delights of another day in the call centre to read our humble magazine.
Thank you.
The study by experts in Sheffield Hallam University found that 166 million sick days are taken each year – equivalent to 6.8 days for every employee.
And if you want to join the masses of Anorak fans and other idle swine, the advice is to call up your boss and claim to be too stressed to work.
This should entitle your to few days of idling in your Anorak Comfi-Slax while perusing the pages of this esteemed publication.
It might also lead you to losing your job, your home and your family. But we believe that’s a small price to pay for what we do.’
Den’s Stuffed
‘AT this time of year, people are usually looking forward to a fat, red man appearing in their houses. But when the fat red man in question is Phil Mitchell, its a different story. Phil has escaped from police custody a remarkable achievement considering hes got the whole of the Walford police service investigating him and the Watts are running scared.
He wouldnt be stupid enough to come back ere, scoffed Alfie when the police questioned him. Alfie you have no idea quite how stupid Phil Mitchell is.
Den was on his way to Spain to sort out some business when he heard the news and came straight back. No Mitchell is gonna hurt my family, he growled, but was worried enough to buy a gun from Andy, just in case. Apparently professional Eastend gangsters deliver guns in brown Jiffy bags through a letter box its a bit like the Krays version of Amazon so its not really surprising that Sharon found it on her doorstep and demanded to know what was going on.
Den finally told Sharon the truth about the robbery and setting up Phil: Youre no better than him, she spat. And thanks to you, were all dead.
Phils set to turn up later this week (theres a surprise) before he leaves the Square for a year. Its a pretty safe bet though that the closest Phil will get to killing anyone will be himself when he bursts every blood vessel in his head when he finally catches up with Den and finds his wife in bed with Dennis.
Mini-Den and Kate have started up their affair again after Kate realises that Phil is actually guilty of the robbery and of lying to her. So, of course, being a resident of Walford, she exchanges one no-good loser for another.
And on the subject of feeble specimens of manhood, Gary has discovered that estranged wife Lynne is pregnant with his child and wants him back. Hes still living with Laura though as he dont wanna spoil her Christmas. Poor Laura is in blissful (pig) ignorance and is happily prattling on to Pat about how theyre going to move into a proper house in the New Year and even have more children. How many kids does Gary need to father in one postcode? Arent the residents of Walford damaged enough?
On a happier note, it looks like Kat and Alfies wedding is back on as Alfies solicitor has told him that he should be able to get his divorce through in time for the wedding. Now all theyve got to concentrate on is finding a tent big enough for Kat to fit into and to ensure theres enough spare livers standing by for when the Slater sisters get going on the booze.
It looks like its wedding bells for Janine and Barry sooner than we thought when its revealed that Barry may have a fatal heart condition. We need to make the most of every day youve got left, Janine simpered to Barry. Paul and Janine have persuaded Barry to put the house in her name, in case anything happens.
Barry goes on to prove that miracles can happen at Christmas time though as it turns out that he doesnt have a fatal heart condition after all. Now wont that make Paul and Janines Christmas?’
Have A Flab Christmas
”’GET stuffing, girls, if you fancy being the sexiest thing in Santa’s stocking this Christmas. Curves are back – so don’t even think about scrimping when it comes to enjoying your slap-up turkey dinner.”
| Fat Kat |
Not our advice but that of a far better judge of the female form, the Star.
It sees the victory of 15-stone Michelle in the Pop Idol final at the weekend as a win for the larger lady or, as the paper prefers, ”kick-starting a craze for wicked women with a bit of wobble”.
And who exactly are these ”babes with super-curvy shapes”, these ”chubby sisters” for whom Michelle has emerged as a champion?
Well, delighted we’re sure to be mentioned in the same breath as the she-mountain from Glasgow are Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce Knowles, Liv Tyler, Angelina Jolie, Geri Halliwell and EastEnders Charlie Brooks and Jessie Wallace.
”They look better in undies and have bags more confidence,” explains the Star – thankfully not backed up with picture of Michelle in her distinctly unsmall smalls.
”And blokes know they are not stuck with a catwalk-style stick-insect who stresses about the calorie count of a dust particle.”
No, but they could of course find themselves stuck with – or more specifically under – a different problem.
As if to prove the point about the curves, the papers show pictures of a bikini-clad Jessie Wallace on holiday with fiancé, ex-copper Dave Morgan, on a romantic Indian Ocean island.
And an onlooker tells the Sun: ”She must have been exhausted because she and Dave didn’t leave their room for three days.”
Didn’t or couldn’t?
Another girl who won’t be scrimping on the turkey this Christmas is singer Charlotte Church, who is in hot water of a different kind this morning as she is accused of stealing someone else’s boyfriend.
Blonde hairdresser Emma Verey had been dating Kyle Johnson for a year and, says the Sun, hoped to marry him.
”But her dreams were wrecked when Voice Of An Angel star Charlotte, 17, snatched him.”
Of course, if we hadn’t read this morning’s Star, we might have thought it was the millions of pounds Charlotte has in the bank that attracted Kyle.
But now we know that fat is the new thin, we realise that it was Charlotte’s curves that turned Kyle’s head.
”I don’t think she’s anything special in looks,” Emma moans to the Sun, ”so I can only think he’s gone with her for her money and her fame.”
Oh, Emma. Don’t you know that these days if a woman wants to get ahead, she’s got to get a belly…’
The Weight Is Over
‘GIVEN that we now know that weight is great, that flab is fab and that Evans is the new Gucci, we are somewhat surprised to see the Star not practising what it preaches.
| Sports Illustrated 2004 (Swimwear Edition) |
Armed with the knowledge that fat chicks look better in their undies, we turn to Page 3 expecting to see You’ve Been Framed host Lisa Riley in a G-string.
Instead, we are disappointed to be confronted by the distinctly flat stomach (and unsaggy breasts) of Natasha, a 21-year-old cherub from Torquay.
Who do we find parading in her underwear on the front page? Not Vanessa Feltz, but Hollyoaks babe Sarah Dunn.
And what about the lead story – that pop star Justin Timberlake is planning to take the whole of 2004 off to spend more time with his girlfriend?
Is it Roseanne who will be the beneficiary of this extra attention from the Trousersnake? No, it’s scrawny model-turned-actress Cameron Diaz.
Fat is the new sex? Yeah, fat chance.’
Fledgling Crowe
‘IF fat were the new sex, then new Radio 1 breakfast show host Chris Moyles would be Mr Love.
| Chris Moyles |
Instead, he’s just a fat ugly bloke who this morning tells the Mirror why he’ll be a success in the station’s most coveted spot.
He does have one thing going for him of course – the perfect face for radio. But unfortunately he also has the perfect voice for the print media.
Another porker in the news this morning is Russell Crowe, pictured in the Mail having a cigarette outside a Sydney hospital as he waited for the birth of his son.
Charles Spender Crowe was eventually born on Sunday night, weighing 6lb 2oz.
”He’s a beautiful, healthy bouncing baby,” Crowe’s spokesman said afterwards.
Beautiful? Takes after mum Danielle Spence. Bouncing? No guesses where he gets that from…’
