Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Kat Slated
‘WE all know that one good thing has come out of EastEnders star Jessie Wallaces arrest for drink-driving she may have lost her licence, but she has gained a fiancé.
| The pits |
And not just a fiancé, either, but (after PC Dave Morgan quit Essex police earlier this week) someone to drive her around for the next three years as well.
Unfortunately, she has also gained a reputation for being what the late Alan Clark described as economical with the actualite or a liar, in more common parlance.
The 32-year-old, who plays Kat Slater in the BBC soap, told a court that she had drunk two glasses of wine but her uncle had spiked them with double vodkas.
She was stopped by police on the way home.
I was shocked, she said. I didnt understand. I was upset very upset. I was hysterical. I was really crying. I didnt understand.
I couldnt believe I was over the limit when I thought I had consumed two glasses of wine.
But prosecutor Charles Llewellyn accused her of telling a story about it. You have come to court and lied, he said.
And the judge agreed, saying that she had fallen far short of showing these drinks were laced on that night.
The Star says the actresss career is hanging in the balance after the verdict, although it doesnt explain whether this is because of the conviction or her terrible acting in court.
For our part, we would merely inquire how anyone could not notice that a glass of wine had been spiked with a double vodka.
What type of wine do Jessies uncle and aunt serve up at their home in Hatfield Peveril and remind us never to ask for any…’
King Of Bling
‘THE Queen got the thrill of her long and distinguished life yesterday when she was granted an audience with David Beckham and his wife Victoria.
| Gong but not forgotten |
The England football captain was even gracious enough to allow Her Maj to bestow on him one of the baubles in her gift, a ribbon with a cross attached called an OBE.
However, judging by the pictures on the front page of all this mornings tabloids, there is scarce a diamond to be seen on this OBE thing.
In fact, its bling quotient is so embarrassingly low that we are sure David wouldnt be seen dead wearing it in public.
In fact, yesterday he showed the Queen how its done, sporting a 32-carat diamond ring worth an estimated £5m and, according to the Mirror, almost overshadowing his OBE.
His wife opted for a bracelet studded with heart-shaped diamonds, matching earrings and a 14-carat white diamond ring an ensemble also worth about £5m.
However, the Queen has the last laugh the Mirror reveals that the diamonds are actually borrowed…from Bond Street jewellers Chopard.
The Queen, on the other hand, not only can afford her own jewellery but is no stranger to a bit of bling herself.
The Star of Africa, for instance, the diamond in the Royal Sceptre, is a whopping 530 carats, which equates to almost 17 of Becks rings.
And the Cullinan II, the diamond in the Imperial state crown, is 317 carats or 23 of Poshs pathetic sparklers.’
Thong For Whoever
‘FROM talk of Victoria Beckham to the headline Im Talentless is, of course, a leap of Beamonesque proportions.
| Straight from the horse’s mouth |
And it goes without saying that it is not Mrs B who has been drawn by the Star into an admission of her own inadequacy.
But the list of possible candidates is such a long and undistinguished one that we cannot leave you in suspense a moment longer before we reveal the identity of the self-deprecating star.
Actually, we can so by way of a clue we turn to the Stars gossip pages where we learn that Jordan has, to use the rugby parlance, kicked men into touch.
Women bond better than a guy and a girl, says our overinflated friend. Its nature, isnt it?
How can men fully understand women completely when they dont have the same bodies?
By that token, 99% of the female population would struggle to understand Jordan as well, but one person who wouldnt is of course Anorak favourite Lucy Pinder.
The Star has a picture of the two buxom lasses together at the recent UK premiere of Spun and rubs its sweaty palms together wondering whether the two could soon become one.
Or, more realistically, the four become two.
Of course, you are probably no nearer guessing the identity of the talentless one we mentioned above, so by way of a final clue we draw your attention to Lara Croft model Lucy Clarkson and her all too conspicuous pink thong.
Still dont know who it is yet? Lets look at the evidence big breasts, flashes her thong…welcome to the wonderful 34D world of Jodie Marsh.’
Coming Soon…
‘THE average young woman in Britain is £4,500 in debt, according to newly-released statistics – and the problem is only going to get worse.
| Alternatively, buy 400 Rabbits |
The Mirror suggests that 100% of 18-28 year olds now owe substantial sums of money – and, after binge drinking and sexually transmitted disease, debt is the biggest scourge for ”the Bridget Jones generation”.
But how do you stop spending when there are so many things to buy? Things like the Orgasmatron, for instance.
The Mail says the electronic device, ”which will make the Earth move for women every time”, could soon be on the market if testing of the prototype is successful.
Scientist Stuart Meloy has been already won approval from US authorities to test the matchbox-sized device on women who have problems reaching a climax.
The way it works is that the device is implanted in one of the woman’s buttocks and connected by wires to the appropriate nerves in the spinal cord.
A hand-held remote control causes it to send electrical impulses, the paper says, which trigger orgasm.
The Sun says the 48-year-old mother-of-two who went on holiday with her husband to test the device was so delighted by it that she didn’t want to give it back.
It is said that she had seven orgasms in nine days, including her first ever multiple climax.
This is all very well, but a couple of problems immediately spring to mind.
The first is the cost – at £8,000, it is likely to push debt-laden young women over the financial precipice.
And the second is how on earth do the women think their men will let them take charge of the remote control.’
Driving Miss Jessie
‘AS a copper, you know you may have taken one too many sickies when even the police start questioning your commitment to the job.
|
| ‘And it’s got three different speeds…’ |
That’s why PC Dave Morgan, fiancé of EastEnder Jessie Wallace, is this morning just plain old Dave Morgan, fiancé of EastEnder Jessie Wallace.
The 28-year-old resigned from the Essex force this week – just as he was about to be quizzed over claims he had not worked enough hours at the Chelmsford nick.
‘His decision to quit means he avoids an embarrassing disciplinary probe into alleged skiving,’ the Sun says.
But just how many sickies does a copper have to take to be considered a skiver by his fellow officers?
Most policemen seem to spend at least three months every year off sick, normally suffering from the stress of actually having made an arrest.
But the stress in Morgan’s life seemed to arise from trying to fit his policing duties around late-night partying with TV’s Kat Slater.
A source close to Dave, who used to work as a fireman before joining the police, says he will probably now become his fiancee’s full-time driver.
That’s a relationship stuck in fifth gear and heading straight for the rocks, then…’
What A Choker!
‘IF you spend £10m on a choker, you would definitely expect it to do what it says it does on the tin – or, in this case, the 18 carat white gold.
|
| A rare gem – and the necklace is okay |
And so we note with interest that David Beckham is said to be head of the list of celebs ready to splash out that much on just such a piece of jewellery…for his wife.
The choker, which is built around a rare blue diamond called the Blue Empress, was modelled yesterday by Yasmin Le Bon before going on display in Harrod’s.
It is already the most expensive necklace ever offered by the Knightsbridge department store, having attracted a bid of £10m.
But the Star thinks that Becks may be the man who walks away with it to match the £2m diamond ring he bought his wife earlier this month.
‘David and Victoria are sure to have a good look at it before deciding if it’s one to add to their collection of jewels,’ a source close to the couple said.
No doubt Victoria will be chipping in her share of the eight-figure price, no doubt from her Spice Girls earnings, which last year amounted to, er, £4,863.’
True Idols
‘WHEN Englands 30 victorious rugby players returned to Britain early yesterday morning having won the World Cup, they were welcomed home a crowd of some 8,000 people.
|
| ‘And my next song is by The Wonder Stuff. It’s called The Size Of A Cow’ |
When Pop Idol wannabe Sam turned up at the Alhambra Shopping Centre in his home town of Barnsley yesterday, he alone was mobbed by 2,500 screaming fans.
It kind of puts the whole thing into perspective, doesnt it?
ITV might have been delighted with the 14.5 million people who tuned in to see Jonny Wilkinsons drop goal that brought this country sporting glory at last, but more people than that watch Coronation Street each week.
Indeed, by the looks of the pictures in this mornings papers, most of the people who were at Heathrow Airport in the small hours were photographers.
And the Sun, a paper that prides itself on accurately reflecting the mood of the country, clearly knows the relative importance of Pop Idol and the Rugby World Cup.
Indeed, it notes that for all 17-year-old Sams popularity in West Yorkshire, he came only third in the papers phone poll a massive 36% by Michelle (or should that be 36% behind massive Michelle?).
Most unpopular of the remaining five is Susanne, and Pete Waterman thinks there is a deliberate publicity drive to get her kicked out.
I saw a story about Susanne wanting bodyguards and I thought Mmmm somebody is trying to put about bad stories for political reasons, he tells the Mirror.
I see Susanne every Saturday night. Ive talked to her and I dont see that kind of girl but Im seeing all these negative stories.
However, back to the Sun and Michelle is getting her own back on Susanne for allegedly calling her a fat cow by accusing the 21-year-old blonde of…having bad hair.
You hair is damaged at the roots and youve got a cheap colour, she said.
Ouch! Next theyll be having a go at each others choice of nail polish.’
Thong For Guy
‘IT’S not only Pop Idol contestants who have to take the brickbats with the bouquets; the judges don’t get off completely either.
|
| G-strung Durch Technik |
And this morning it is Simon Cowell, spotted on a beach in Bermuda, who gets a going over from the Mirror.
The good news, it says, is that he has ditched his high-waisted trousers; the bad news is he was swapped them for a pair of hideous swimming shorts.
‘His too-tight, garish Bermudas should definitely have been voted out of his beach wardrobe,’ it says.
But it’s not just Simon Cowell’s beach wardrobe that needs attention, judging by a story in today’s Star, which reveals that the wears G-strings under his trousers.
So reports fellow judge Neil Fox, who claimed: ‘Simon doesn’t wear pants – he wears black G-strings that he gets sent over from the States.
‘And he only likes to wear them once before throwing them away.’
The radio DJ also revealed that Victoria Beckham’s mum rings him up and gives him an ear-bashing any time he says anything that is not 100% positive about her daughter.
Get dialling, Mrs Adams – we think your daughter’s a talentless try-hard, whose head is far too big for her body…’
GI Janes
‘IF you have pounds, prepare to shed them now – there’s a new diet in town.
|
| ‘And it was then that I discovered the GI Diet’ |
Other fad diets – the high-protein, low-carb Atkins diet, the high-sex McCutcheon diet and the chop-your-left-ear-off Van Gogh diet – may come and go.
But – like the American soldiers in Iraq – the GI Diet is here to stay. At least until next week.
The Mail explains that nutritionists believe a food’s glycaemic index (GI) rating could hold the key for dieters who eat healthily but still pile on the pounds.
Foods are rated on a scale of 1-100 according to how quickly they break down from carbohydrate to sugar in the bloodstream.
The slower the release of glucose, the fuller we feel for longer.
Among the foods with a high GI rating are white rice, baked potatoes and Cornflakes, while fish fingers, peanuts and sausages have low ratings.
Says the study jointly sponsored by Bird’s Eye, KP and Wall’s.’
Bongo Bongo Land
‘FOR some the glass is half full, for others it’s half empty, and for the Express it’s in thousands of different pieces on the floor with the contents spilling out of it.
| Our cup overfloweth… |
The paper that makes the Mail look like a spring lamb on Prozac is determined to rain (bombs) on the victorious England rugby team’s victory parade.
”Victory Parade Terror Threat,” says its front page, with a warning that a massive rugby carnival could become a target for Osama Bin Laden and his suicide bombers.
Luckily, the other papers are still happy to revel in Saturday’s victory, with the Star suggesting that England’s rugby heroes ”staged a mile-high love-in” aboard the jet that was flying them home from Sydney last night.
”Champagne flowed and they got together at last with wives and girlfriends aboard a jet renamed Sweet Chariot,” it explains.
And one half expects Prince Harry to have been among them, with Prince Charles’s youngest son a central figure in the team’s post-match celebrations.
The Mirror has a picture of the carrot-topped prince playing bongos at the players’ all-night party in Sydney.
”Harry was swigging beer, but he wasn’t drunk,” said an onlooker. ”He was in his element.”
In fact, the only thing missing to make this a proper Royal knees-up was a massive spliff and a visit from self-styled comedy terrorist Aaron Barschak.
Unfortunately, the man who gatecrashed Prince William’s 21st birthday party dressed as Osama Bin Laden was being detained at the Prince’s grandmother’s pleasure.
The Sun says he was given a 28-day prison sentence by Oxford magistrates, who said the public should be spared his ”publicity stunts” in future.
That being the case, can we look forward to Jodie Marsh starting a 20-year stretch and Jordan going down, so to speak, for life?’
Chain Reaction
‘IF we locked people up to spare us from their publicity stunts, former S-Clubber Rachel Stevens would be another one looking at a spell in chokey right now.
| ”Do you want me to sing?” |
Her debut solo single Sweet Dreams My LA Ex may have all the excitement of a funeral dirge, but our Rachel knows that most people listen to the song with the volume down anyway.
As a showbiz veteran, Rachel is well aware that it’s not what you sound like but what you look like that counts – after all, a half-dressed picture in the papers is worth a thousand out-of-tune words.
And last night the Star tells us that ”raunchy” Rachel caused ”royal blushes” as she pranced around stage at the Royal Variety Performance with whips and chains.
”The Royals glanced away uncomfortably when the performance turned too blue,” says the paper – although, from what we know about life inside the Palace, that was probably because the act was so tame.
One onlooker said: ”It was obviously quite a shock for the Queen, but Prince Philip seemed to enjoy himself.”
Why these onlookers (all of whom sound suspiciously like Star journalists) persist in the idea that the Queen is shocked by the latest wannabe trying to grab a bit of publicity we don’t know.
Not only has she seen it all before a hundred times, but in her generosity she is happily providing accommodation and three square meals a day to many of their publicity-hungry colleagues…’
The Naked Truth
‘AS Kylie Minogue promises a new demure look and promptly flashes the flesh for Vogue, we learn about a new device that can turn all of us into pop starlets at the flick of a switch.
| Early trials weren’t always 100% successful |
The Millimetre Wave Camera is a security scanner that has been developed to aid in the fight against terrorism by ”undressing” members of public to detect concealed weapons.
And the Mail says it will be deployed on the streets of London in the run-up to Christmas to try to protect against terrorist attacks and fight gun crime.
That means that for a brief instant we can all know what it is like to be Kylie or Rachel Stevens as we prance around Oxford Street naked.
The paper says the devices, which are entirely harmless to the subject, were originally developed to help helicopter pilots see through the smoke and fog of a modern battlefield.
Scientists hope the same technology can be used to reverse the process, secretly ”dressing” celebrities and members of the public without their knowledge.
A prototype has already been tested on an Emma Bunton video with encouraging results.’
Rugger Buggers
‘ONE can only imagine what the response from the papers would be if and it is a very big if England ever won the football World Cup.
| The boot of God |
Rugby unions appeal may not stretch much further than an England rugby shirt, but we have been so starved of sporting success in this country in recent years that victory against Australia has turned almost everyone into a rugger bugger for a few hours.
Even the Star, which until now has never knowingly led its sports coverage with a non-football story, wraps itself up in the flag of St George and starts singing Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
We measure these things in pints, and the paper tells us that beer sales increased by 25% over the weekend, with an extra seven or eight million extra pints being drunk on Saturday.
That was more than during any game in the last football World Cup except for the 1-0 defeat of Argentina.
For that game, beer sales just went off the Richter scale, Robert Hayward, chief of the British Beers And Pubs Association, says.
[It is a little known fact that Charles F Richter had a younger brother Gary, who while Charles was working on a scale to measure earthquakes was doing the same to measure beer consumption.]
The Sun cant help refer to the last time England won a World Cup, with Englands hero on Saturday, Jonny Wilkinson, drawing direct comparison with 1966 hat-trick hero Geoff Hurst.
Meanwhile, the paper tells the soon-to-be-legendary story of how Wilkinsons mother Philippa, too nervous to watch her son in action, found out the result at the fruit and veg counter at Tesco.
And the man himself, still only 24, tries to adjust to the adulation he is sure to receive when he returns to England.
I dont think of myself as a superstar, he told the Sun. Im just a very proud member of a very proud team. Thats all that matters.
But sports marketing expert Becky Brown said the world was Wilkinsons oyster.
Jonny can now command a goldmine from sponsors, she tells the Mirror. Hell join the top footballers at the David Beckham level.
Jonny Wilkinson in a sarong and knickers? We cant quite see it…’
Idol Threats
‘ALL is not well in the Pop Idol house, which on Saturday night lost its youngest occupant Roxanne Cooper when her version of Let It Be failed to impress the public.
| ”Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please” |
The Star reports that wannabes Susanne Manning and Michelle McManus went to war after a major personality clash and are struggling to hide their rift.
And Susannes diva-like behaviour is blamed for the rift.
The paper says she stunned show bosses by demanding two bodyguards accompany her to the premiere of Love Actually and refusing to sign autographs.
She also, claims the Star, refused to stand next to heavyweight Michelle for a photo, saying: I dont want anything to do with that fat karaoke singer.
Roxanne confirms to the Sun that the two dont get on, but urges viewers to vote for Michelle.
If nothing else, in a cat fight between the warring pair Michelle would certainly come out on top.
In fact, she would have Susanne for breakfast on top of the two eggs, five rashers of bacon, four sausages, baked beans, black pudding…’
Girl On Girl Power
‘REMEMBER the Spice Girls? Five wannabes who cannot accept that their 15 minutes of fame is almost over.
| Another Kiss And Mel story |
As Victoria Beckham gets Top Of The Pop viewers to vote for which of her two potential singles they dislike least and Geri Halliwell dresses up as a schoolgirl, Mel B ekes out a few column inches by following the Britney Spears and Madonna angle and snogging another woman.
The Mirror is not convinced by the public display of affection (or was it affectation?) with Christine Crokos in a Los Angeles park.
But the Star thinks the two are for real and suggests that the woman formerly known as Scary Spice is planning to move her lesbian lover into her £1m home.
The pop babes shock affair with Anna Kournikova lookalike Christine Crokos is the talk of Hollywood, it says.
The pair have been spotted kissing and fondling each other in full public view.
In other words, whenever there is a camera in sight.’
No Idol Threats
‘TRACEY Emin, Damien Hirst and other enfants terribles of the British art world must be pea green with envy.
|
| ‘Down with generic tin foil statues!’ |
The Mail’s pictures of the 25ft effigy of George Bush, erected then dramatically pulled down in Trafalgar Square yesterday, was a step above an unmade bed and a bisected cow.
If nothing else is achieved by the forces behind this artistic work, it has at least upped the stakes in next year’s Turner Prize.
But while we admire the theme, the artistic merit belies a lack of the applied skills of traditional art.
We know it was an effigy of George Bush, designed in the mould of the one of Saddam Hussein famously toppled in Iraq recently, because we are told it is.
This work without a title might not adopt the empty plinth on Trafalgar Square, but it does occupy the minds of the Sun.
There, readers get to hear some words from those who came, built and toppled. One calls George Bush a ‘terrorist and a cowboy’.
But if you want to hear a really good rant, best ask a taxi driver, as the Sun does with Pete Collins.
‘It disgusts me we have to give blind support to this man [Bush] because other Americans helped us in two world wars,’ he says.
‘Does this mean that from now until the end of the world we support any madman like Bush simply because he is US President.’
Simple answer to that is yes, it does. But don’t worry, Pete and others like you, because with Osama bin Laden around and the proliferation of nuclear material the end of the world will be next Friday at 11pm.
So if you can just hang on ’til then…’
Sun Downer
‘OF course, whether you march or not, the truth is we are all going to die anyhow.
|
| ‘Give the Big C the Big E’ |
We know this because the Mail makes it its job to tell us. The only thing that changes every day is the hideous manner of our demise.
Today it is staying in. As the headline says: Now staying out of the sun could give you cancer.
Apparently, a lack of sunlight makes us more vulnerable to a range of cancers which account for the lives of around 38,000 of us every year.
Its pretty clear that what we should be marching about is not George Bush but the big C, demanding that it leave the country now and never return.
At the head of the protest would be Professor Cedric Garland from the University of California, who says that Vitamin D the sun vitamin has been shown actually to kill some tumours.
The course of action is made clear. Residents of the UK should aim for ten to 15 minutes a day in the sun when the weather allows, without sunscreen to allow adequate synthesis of vitamin D.
All very good, until we look out the window and note that the sun has migrated and will not return to the area until March at the earliest.
Its pretty obvious that we all need to get away. So Iraq here we come. Its got sand, sun and Saddams.
And very soon it will have the civilising influence of Linekers Bar and the famous Eurovison Thong Contest.’
Crowe’s Feat
‘AMID all yesterday’s placards calling for the banning of the bomb, freedom for Tooting and the return of Grant Mitchell to EastEnders, was one that simply said ‘F**K O*F’.
|
| The ugly side of Russell Crowe |
Aimed at nothing and everything, this message was our favourite. And it might very well be the favourite work of Russell Crowe, the Kiwi-born actor.
The Sun hears from Vanessa Boni, a waitress, who tells the paper about her brief conversation with the star.
‘I was in a special VIP room and offered him a snack,’ says Vanessa. ‘But he said to me ‘F*** off, with your f*****g salmon’.’
‘There was no evidence he was drunk,’ continues the shocked waitress. ‘It was early in the evening. It was just outrageous.’
Of course, it is nothing of the sort. If true, it was merely Crowe’s way of adding his voice to the march against everything.
He just chose to target salmon, and, we suppose, he might just have easily sworn at quails’ eggs, vols-au-vent or even jellied eels.
Although not pretzels, which we know are firmly on the side of the righteous…’
Mo-mentous Occasion
‘GREAT news it is that Kacey Ainsworth is pregnant again.
|
| And soon there’ll be an even littler Mo |
This is a happy day, and it is only right and proper that this news makes it to the front page of today’s Sun.
There it becomes ‘ENDERS ‘MO’ IN BABY JOY’, but it’s the Mirror that gives the story the due weight it warrants, positioning it alongside a story about how Sophie Wessex is fine and so is her baby.
Brim full to bursting with the sheer wonderfulness of it all, we read that Kacey is ‘absolutely thrilled’ to be expecting a little ‘un.
But not as excited as we are. And we say let turn today’s march against George Bush into a party for Kacey.
Come on, get the bongos out and let the good times roll…’
Changing The Guard
‘WHEN Christopher Robin went down with Alice, all he saw were the guards. Yesterday, readers of the Mirror got to see the inside of Buckingham Palace.
|
| ‘Queen’s beroom? Up the stairs and second on the left’ |
The Mail affords its audience the same privilege today, showing shots of the Royal breakfast table, with its choice of cereals served from Tupperware containers with silver spoons.
We once more see Prince Andrew’s cushions embroidered with the words ‘EAT, DRINK AND REMARRY’ and ‘BEFORE YOU MEET A REAL PRINCE YOU HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS’.
And we glimpse the inside of the Wessexes’ bedroom, the décor of which finally puts to rest claims that Eddie is less than heterosexual. It is that horrible.
But the Mirror’s Ryan Parry, the reporter who went undercover as a Royal butler, has also taken a trip up the M4 to tell us about the lack of security at Windsor Castle.
This is less than sensational news. It’s not too long since a bearded woman called Aaron Barschak vaulted the wall, swam the moat and gatecrashed Prince William’s 21st birthday.
But once more it is the little things that capture the imagination. For instance, the Queen’s breakfast table comes with a newspaper stand on which sits a copy of the Racing Post.
For dinner, the Queen likes to sit in front of a big TV, on which she watches her favourite shows: EastEnders, The Bill and Kirsty’s Home Videos.
And at tea, the Queen routinely forgoes her scones, feeding them to her corgis, which gather expectantly round her table like vultures.
‘Sometimes they get better food than us,’ says her footman, according to Parry.
It’s all very Through The Keyhole meets Location, Location, Location. And while Parry prepares to take a snoop round another Royal home, we can’t help fearing for his safety.
As the Sun reports, George Smith, the former butler whose claims about Prince Charles created a scandal, has had a fit and collapsed.
He has since recovered. But let’s hope Parry’s next tour doesn’t take him to the royal sanatorium or for a swim with the fishes in the Queen Mum’s memorial gin lake.’
Saving Face
‘WITH George Smith, Paul Burrell and now Ryan Parry at large, the butler might not have done it, but for a few quid he’ll tell you who did.
|
| ‘They’ll never recognise me now!’ |
Knowing that, it would be wiser if the Californian police seeking the indictment of Michael Jackson, in light of what the Sun calls ‘multiple child sex abuse claims’ made against the star, ignored him and went for his butler instead.
But the police want their man, and, the paper says, have ordered Jackson to surrender himself to their tender care.
But bad news can get better. And while the Sun says that, if found guilty, Jackson could spend ten years in jail, the Express says that he would only get eight.
But things could get even better if Jackson can get hold of American surgeon Dr John Barker, who tells the Sun that he’s ready to do a face transplant ‘TODAY’.
If Jackson can’t reach Dr Barker in time, he could always follow the Sun’s graphic three-step guide on ‘How It Works’.
Step One: The donor face is removed. Step Two: The new face is placed on the muscles of the recipient and blood vessels fastened with microsurgery. Step Three: The new face is stitched on.
All very straightforward, and nothing that you couldn’t do yourself with a decent penknife.
Of course, the donor face is an issue, and Jackson would be advised to ignore offers from Gary Glitter and just pull one of his old ones out from his sock drawer.
The police would never think of looking for a black man…’
The Worm That Turned
‘AT first glance, the headline makes our blood run cold – ‘Jacko Child Sex Quiz,’ screams the front page of the Sun.
|
| ‘Is that a tiny piece of string in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?’ |
Those who have accused Michael Jackson of being on more than nodding terms with minors would, most likely, expect him to get all the questions in this quiz right.
Indeed, the Sun’s editor, the jingoistic Rebekah Wade, might hope to do pretty well herself, given her pursuit of paedophilia during her stint at the News of the World.
But before the Sun’s outraged readers can go hunting for paediatricians and beat paedestrians to a pulp, Jacko’s lawyer calls the allegation that his client molested a 12-year-old boy ‘insane’.
That’s an unfortunate choice of word in matters Jackson. But the same word just might explain what’s happening to Britney Spears.
Spears, poster girl for plain Janes everywhere, has been on television in the States talking about her own sex life.
We all know that Britney lost her virginity to Justin Timberlake. But it nearly never happened because Britney says that Justin is hung like one of Ron Davies’ badger pals.
He was, as his name suggests, just in.
To emphasise how small said appendage is, the Star sees Britney using her thumb and index finger to makes a gesture that suggests Justin is less ‘trousersnake’ and more ‘trouserworm’.
And while her fingers spell our ‘miniscule’, a tattoo on her right foot, sported in the Mirror, spells out the word ‘freedom’.
‘I have a new tattoo on my foot,’ said Britney to American TV host Jay Leno last night. ‘The butterfly script means freedom and that’s my freedom toe.’
The little piggy one is, we suppose, called Justin.’
Spousal Abuse
‘WHILE Britney and Jacko show signs of being divorced from reality, some just want a divorce from their spouse.
|
| Chamber of horrors |
The Express casts an eye at the divorce petition posted up by Amanda Holden yesterday and sees that, although Amanda had an affair with Neil Morrissey, it’s her now-ex husband, Les Dennis, who stands accused of adultery.
The woman who dallied with Les is not named, just that he ‘became intolerable to live with’ and his adultery was ‘on-going’.
That’s something of a surprise, as is the increasingly bitter spat between estranged lovebirds Liza Minnelli and David Gest. This is, after all, the couple who once never missed an opportunity to tell us how very much in love they were.
Sticking with the Express, readers get the latest instalment from this remarkably unattractive duo.
After Gest’s accusations that Minnelli gave him brain damage by beating him about the head, she now alleges that he stole her money, alienated her friends and sullied her reputation.
In a £1.5m lawsuit, Minnelli’s lawyers claim: ‘Gest constantly berated Minnelli in public and began holding himself out as the ‘star’.’
This comes on top of her earlier claim that Gest was ‘cruel and inhuman’.
And having taken a look at Gest, Minnelli’s former manager, agent and producer, the inhuman bit appears to be claim made on solid ground.’
Another Country
‘YOU’LL have to forgive the people of Maresfield if they don’t come out in force to march against President Bush’s stay at Buckingham Palace.
|
| Jordan tried to fit in with rural life |
The locals of the East Sussex village are currently waging a battle of their own against the arrival of an undesirable.
The Mail reports that the ton of silicon, hair extensions, implants and assorted add-ons that make up Jordan have purchased a £750,000 pile in the village and are planning to move in.
The locals are deeply upset. ‘I think it is dreadful she is coming here,’ says one parish councillor. ‘This is a quiet village where people respect each other. I think it’s highly unlikely she will fit in.’
Anyone who has seen Jordan will suppose that it’s highly unlikely she’d fit in anywhere other than, perhaps, the Millennium Dome. But point made.
One other parish councillor is less put out. ‘We will give her a polite, friendly reception and see how she takes to life here,’ says John Gutteridge. ‘Personally, I like real women and she is mostly enhanced, I hear.’
But enough of the affected coyness of Mr Gutteridge and a few words from the new resident, who explains her reasons for making the move.
‘I am fed up with people driving past and yelling at me,’ says Jordan. ‘I don’t feel safe.’
And that from a woman who takes her twin air bags with her wherever she goes.’
In The Zone
‘WE cannot be sure, but we very much fear that President George Bush is the recipient of some preferential treatment.
|
| ‘We will have zero tolerance for charge dodgers’ |
Until the accounts from Transport for London are made public, it’s unclear whether Dubya and his enormous entourage paid the required £5 to drive into the centre of London.
It’s no surprise Ken Livingstone, the London mayor whose congestion charge scheme has put him on the map, is upset.
The Sun hears him call Bush ‘the greatest threat to life on planet earth’. He continues: ‘The policies he is initiating will doom us to extinction.’
While Ken and thousands of likeminded protestors campaign for Dubya’s fiver, more bus lanes in Baghdad and the renationalisation of the Iraqi Underground movement, the Sun takes a look at the Bush motorcade.
In the spirit of fairness, it must be said that Bush’s men seem to be going out of their way to keep the loss of life to a minimum as they walk alongside the vehicles carrying red, white and blue flags.
But any protestors wishing to jump in the path will be squashed like so many pretzels, as the Mail takes a look inside the President’s limo, the four-ton glorified tank known as the Stagecoach.
The bodywork is made of five-inch thick military grade armour, strong enough to resist the approach of any student and his cardboard placard.
The windows are tough enough to withstand armour-piercing bullets and cannot be opened.
On board are night vision cameras, pump-action shotguns, tear gas canons and bottles of the President’s blood, in case an emergency transfusion is needed or Bush needs a drink.
All of which means that if Bush does trigger Armageddon in the next few days, he will, most likely, be the only man to survive the attack.
The future of mankind does indeed look very bleak.’
