Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Liz In A Tizz
‘GIVEN the furore surrounding George Bush’s visit to Britain, anyone would think he were an asylum seeker wishing to stay here permanently rather than a rich American on a busman’s holiday.
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| ‘Don’t call me Liz’ |
Potential asylum seekers looking on should note that when they visit they will not arrive by Cadillac and stay in Buckingham Palace. There will travel by lorry and stay in a sink estate.
And, according to the Express, they could have to pay £8,000 to gangs of human traffickers for the trip.
But such is the fine balance of things that for every new arrival here a British national must leave. And today Liz Hurley finds her name pulled out of the hat.
The Mirror says that Liz is thinking about leaving Britain for good unless we all stop calling her Liz.
‘None of my friends call me Liz,’ says Liz. ‘I don’t like it because it suggests a trust that doesn’t exist.’
Speaking to a German magazine, Liz says that she cannot move in London without being photographed.
Whether she’s in the newsagents in a dress slit to her crotch or nipping to the chemists in a sequined G-string, photographers dog her every move.
So unless it stops, and the snappers stop calling her Liz, it looks like Liz could be on her way.
She suggests Switzerland as a possible destination, although offers no clue as to how she’d like to be known when she arrives in her Alpine idyll.
Perhaps Bernhard would suit? Or what about Kasia Komorowicz? If she chose that name, Liz could maintain that she remains Hugh Grant’s lover.
The Mail has a shot of the original Kasia, the woman who claims to have been dating Grant for the past three years since around the time he broke up with Liz.
‘I totally love Hugh,’ says Polish-born Kasia. ‘He’s a great kisser and we have a fantastic time. We meet up for drinks and dinner and spend nice times together.’
Although she had lots to say about Hugh, Kasia said nothing about Liz or her plans to move abroad, merely repeating the word Liz over and over and over and over…’
Grass Is Greener
‘ANOTHER woman who is changing her name is Amanda Holden. From now on she will be known as Amanda Holden.
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| ‘Together forever and never shall part’ |
She is not Mandy Holden. She is not Liz Holden. And she is most definitely not Mrs Les Dennis.
The Sun says that the divorce of Les and the 32-year-old actress comes before the district judge today. And in keeping with their relationship, it has been something of a ‘quickie’.
Neither were available to say how love has died but they remain close and trusted friends, although a close pal does say that they are both seeing other people.
Les is seeing his one remaining fan later today and she’s seeing, not Neil Morrissey, but someone called Chris.’
Swine, Women & Song
‘SOAP law dictates that weddings must take place within the space of two weeks of announcing them, the reception must be held in the local pub and there must be either a punch-up or a startling revelation before the bride and groom are allowed to say: I do.
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| ‘Oink!’ |
Kats wedding to Andy managed to fulfil all the criteria without even taking place. Its been blindingly obvious for weeks to everyone but Andy (whos supposed to be Walfords criminal mastermind) that Kat was never going to marry him.
He employed the second of his two facial expressions (the constipated one) when Alfie burst into his wedding to declare his love for Kat.
I love you Kat, dont do it, pleaded Alfie. Kat, after taking several weeks and the combined strength of the England rugby squad to get her into her wedding dress, wasnt sure if she wanted to give up her big day. I can see us being togevver forever, whispered Alfie together being about six months in soap world obviously.
In the end Kat decided to chuck in her Gangsters Paradise and go off with Alfie. Im sorry, she told a fish-mouthed Andy. It just wouldnt have worked.
Kats already moved into the Vic and weve been subjected to the sight of them both naked in bed, surely in this holy month of Ramadan, the right-on BBC would have been more sensitive and not shown so much porcine flesh on prime-time television.
Elsewhere on The Square, more stomach churning scenes included Janine hopping in and out of bed with both Barry and Paul. Well more like being lowered in and out like a beached whale.
Janine is getting cold feet about her marriage to Barry but Paul accused her of going soft, Were in this together babe, he told her. Which is surely going to make her wedding night a little bit crowded.
Then there was Sonia and Martin. After their one-night stand, even Sonia had the good grace to look absolutely horrified. Leave now this must never happen again, she shuddered.
The dubious honour of most horrendous bedroom antics of the week however goes to Gary, who bedded both Lynne and Laura in the same night.
Laura seduced him by wearing a black negligee (dont even go there) and Lynne got drunk and offered to sleep with him one more time for old times sake. Poor Gary doesnt know if hes coming or going quite literally.’
Can You Beat It?
‘SO egalitarian is Tony Blair that in consultation with his Home Secretary, David Blunkett, hes giving you the chance to live like him.
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| Buy now and get a free teddy |
The lifestyle guru will have to wait, as will the portfolio of flats in Bristol, the holidays in Barbados and the hotline to God, but in the meantime how dyer fancy a copper on your own doorstep?
Today the Sun announces that you can give Bogside Villas that Downing Street touch by investing in your own community support officer to stand outside your front door all day.
This is yours for a mere £10,000. And thats good value when you consider that for this one-off annual fee he or she will stand outside in all weathers and even open the door for you when needs be.
It would cost more but, reports the Mirror, the Government will stump up the additional £10,000 in your private cops wages if you can whip up the initial ten grand.
And whats more, your personal bobby has powers to hand out spot fines for dog fouling, littering and riding on footpaths, confiscate alcohol and tobacco from young persons and request the name and address of a person acting in an antisocial manner.
All things to keep your visitors, their children and their pets behaving in a right and proper manner when they come calling.
But until such a time when the death penalty becomes law, and David Davis gets his way ((Davis: I stand firm on death penalty – Mail), your private copper will not be able to kill any miscreants with a single chop to the throat.
Ethnic dogs notwithstanding.’
Oranges Not The Only Fruit
‘CLEARLY we all want a copper for Christmas. At the very least they will serve to carry our bags and employ their truncheons and pepper spray to beat a clear path through the crowds of shoppers.
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| ‘I think of myself as more of a lemon’ |
But the kiddies will have to wait for their personal cops. According to the Mirror, each child under the age of six years will receive £180 worth of presents this Christmas.
Thats woefully short of the £10,000 needed for a private cop with realistic roving eyes and chopping action.
While not exactly law, the £180 is just the amount the paper suggests you spend on Bianca and Troy.
And you can rest assured that Leo Blair will get his prescribed allotment of gifts no more and no less.
But it could have been worse. The Express says that if it werent for our American allies, wed be spending even less on our children.
To thank for this surge in prices we have what the paper calls a vicious trade war with America. The US has refused to call a truce with Europe and now the cost of goods is set to rocket.
Designer T-shirts will rise by a staggering £50, Nike trainers by £27 a pair and Calvin Klein spectacles jump a whopping 100% to £300.
If that were not bad enough, the paper tells us that the typical Florida orange will shoot up from 20p to 25p.
And if your household staff complain that their annual gift of a single piece of tropical fruit now means not an orange but a lone and affordable grape (price on application), tell them to blame the Americans.
Itll be one more thing to march about this Thursday…’
Mad (Public) House
‘OFFICIALDOM has gone MAD. And thats official! Just listen to what the Sun says it discovered only the other say.
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| ‘The banana was yellow’ |
In Officialdom Gone Mad Part 1, readers learn of a headline-grabbing racism swoop on pub landladys joke advert.
The landlady is Diane Prestidge, and her advert read: WANTED PT TIME SINGLE WHITE MALE 40+.
No sooner had lonely Diane put her ad up in her pub then three women from the local race equality council turned up to tell her to take it down.
Diane says that she couldnt believe it and how its political correctness gone mad. Shes also disgusted that taxpayers money has been spent on investigating what she calls a joke.
But she should think herself lucky that shes not also up on a charge of ageism and campaigners for rights for the disabled are not picketing her door.
Just one look at the name of her pub – The Nelson Arms – makes our blood boil.
While Ms Prestidge writes some new jokes, the Sun talks about another case of mad officialdom.
In Officialdom Gone Mad Part 2, butcher John Campbell has been fined £50 for throwing a banana skin out of his van window.
John might well have been on his way to buy a designer T-shit, but now the fifty quid will be spent on a fine, unless he ignores the penalty notice and stands in line for a greater punishment of £2,500.
Im very particular about litter, says John. I wouldnt even chuck a fag end out of the van.
I actually thought I was doing the right thing. A banana is biodegradable and is good for the countryside. I wouldnt do it in a built-up area. Let them take me to court.
Before that event, John would be well advised to spend his savings on a private cop.
Then, on his day in the dock, his law enforcement officer could vouch for his probity and say that the banana was thrown by an IC3 male wearing a blue hooded top and smoking a large reefer cigarette.’
Tripping The Light Fantastic
‘GIVEN that most of the countrys top minds are engaged in working out how many pints they can have before they start seeing Kylies arse in duplicate, it is little wonder that Britain is no longer at the forefront of innovation and invention.
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| ‘Ahhh! My eyes!!!’ |
But you would think that even we could get a lightbulb – or a few hundred to work.
Not a bit of it. When pop star Daniel Bedingfield pulled the lever to turn on the Christmas lights in Regent Street, he was greeted by darkness.
And, says the Mirror, it was a full 20 minutes before electricians managed to find the problem and the display finally flickered into life.
No doubt the electricians did a lot of sucking air between their teeth before charging for the full hours work plus call-out fee but no-one is any the wiser what went wrong.
Wed tried the lights several times before and they worked perfectly, an organiser said. An investigation is under way.
Luckily, Daniel Bedingfield and Blue Peter prize-winner, nine-year-old Leo Thompson, saw the funny side.
But Daniel, who had earlier treated the crowd to a rendition of his hit Gotta Get Thru This, will not be so chuffed to learn from the Mirror that previous celebrities who have managed to turn on the lights successfully include Will Young, All Saints and Kylie Minogue.
And shes got a nicer arse than you.’
Peas In Our Time
‘THE Royal Family have done a very good job of turning themselves into an international laughing stock, but the Germans almost had the last laugh more than 60 years ago.
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| ‘Now take your time. You say Prince Charles opened you up and did what to you?’ |
Secret files released by MI5 tell the story of how in 1940 three German agents tried to blow up Buckingham Palace…with four tins of processed peas.
Anyone who has eaten processed peas will know that their explosive quality is normally of the same quality as, say, baked beans.
But the four agents who set sail for south-west Ireland on July 7 1940 were armed with Prepared French Fresh Peas (which are known for their destructive qualities) as well as five sticks of dynamite.
They were arrested almost immediately on landing and one later confessed that their target had been the Royal palace.
However, the idea of Buckingham Palace covered in tons of mushy peas and swimming in a sea of gravy (as King George VI and Queen Elizabeth were rowed to safety) is one to be relished, even if the tins of peas were actually only cover for primitive bombs.’
Putting the FA in Farce
‘ALAN Smith is used to incompetence he is surrounded by it on the pitch at Elland Road and has seen it at close quarters in the Leeds United boardroom.
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| Coming or going? |
But proving that it is a big step up in class between club football and international football, the striker yesterday learnt that there is nothing that Leeds can do that the FA cant do worse.
In fact, the organisation that put the FA into FARCE is again a laughing stock this morning after an amazing blunder which saw Smith sent home from the England squad four hours after being called up.
The reason was that Smith had been arrested for throwing a plastic bottle into the crowd at a recent Carling Cup game against Manchester United.
However, the arrest took place five hours BEFORE the 23-year-old was called up.
The Sun says the FA is now facing another player revolt ahead of this weekends friendly against Denmark.
Players rep Gary Neville, with the backing of the whole squad, contacted PFA chief executive Gordon Taylor to organise a battle plan, it says.
When Smith gets back to his club, he will understandably be confused about who his next manager will be.
The Star has the exclusive news that the porcine David OLeary is so desperate to get away from Aston Villa and return to West Yorkshire that he is prepared to stump up the £2m compensation figure himself.
However, an exclusive in the Stars sister paper, the Express, says the exact opposite namely, that Leeds have offered the piggy one a £600,000 golden hello, but OLeary has chosen to stay at Villa.
All of which leaves us little time to hear from the Mail that England rugby coach Clive Woodward has taken the biggest gamble of the World Cup by picking Mike Catt and Richard Hill in his starting XV to play France on Sunday.
When you consider that the two have 120 caps between them, it might be suggested that it isnt such a massive gamble after all.
And it is even less so for Woodward, who has been told that his job is safe even if England go down to France.
To underline Englands experience, Jason Leonard will become the most capped player ever if he comes off the bench in Sydney and Dorian West will likewise become the oldest to appear in a World Cup semi-final.
However, England have eight players in their starting XV who are under 30 only one fewer than France.
Allez Les Blancs, as they dont say in either Paris or Sydney.’
Cheeky Girl
‘THIS weekend is the last chance for all but one Frenchman to witness that great British institution Kylies bottom.
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| The Russian judge surprises everyone when he gives a 0.8 |
The owner of the buttocks in question may be Australian, but it is over here that her derriere has been raised to iconic status.
However, at the age of 35, Kylie has decided that it time for her bottom to retire from showbusiness, vowing to keep it covered up in future.
But not before 4,000 lucky fans are given one last chance to admire the twin cheeks as a gig called Money Cant Buy at the Carling Apollo in Hammersmith, London.
Kylie always wants to please her fans, a source tells the Star, and shes aware that her bottom is very important to them.
To that end, shes going to give them a bit of what they want. After Saturday night, she wants to keep it for Oliviers eyes only.
And well might boyfriend Olivier Martinez feast his eyes on the peach-like posterior, says Professor John Manning, of the University of Central Lancashires psychology department.
He tells the Mail that the key to a perfect backside lies in the ratio between the waist and the hips, which should ideally have a ratio of 0.7.
A shape such as this provides firm evidence of their child-bearing qualities and is guaranteed to please men, he says.
And needless to say Kylie boasts the perfect 0.7 ratio, which (says the Mail) explains why her tiny waist and rounded bum are seen by many as the best in the business.
What business exactly the Mail is referring to, but it cannot be as fun as the business of academia.
In the past two days alone we have had reports that drinking Guinness is good for the heart, sex is good for warding off colds and now why Kylie has the perfect bottom.
And only last week, researchers announced that they had developed an aerodynamic beer mat.
Boffins may not get paid a fortune, but when they spend their days down the pub staring at womens arses and chatting about sex, we shouldnt feel too sorry for them.’
Bitter And Twisted
‘WITH the news that chocolate is now going to come with a health warning, we feel it is only right to attach the following advice to Anorak:
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| Things you can’t do in Notting Hill No.341 |
You can give yourself cancer if youre thinking bad thoughts about people and its just not good.
Not our words but those of former Neighbours star Holly Valance, who is busy complaining to the Mirror that people in Britain can be so bitter and twisted.
Its something that runs rife in this country and I dont understand it, she says. Ive travelled the world many times and Ive only noticed a sort of negative streak in London.
Try as we might to banish carcinogenic thoughts from our minds, we feel compelled to observe that Holly kept such feelings to herself when her debut single Kiss Kiss went to No.1 in the UK charts last summer.
We trust her more recent comments have got nothing at all to do with the fact that her new album charted at a lowly 47 itself perhpas something to do with the fact that at the age of 20 Holly has decided shes too old to wear crop tops.
Its not the fact that I want to go all coy and demure on people, she says, its more the fact that Ive let a little more of the real me come through.
And the real Holly seems to spend her time doing what Australians do and whinging about her adopted home.
She cant make up her mind whether Notting Hill, where she rents a flat, is not all that groovy or too cool for her.
But she does know that its not Oz, where the sun shines 365 days a year, everyones mates with everyone else and everyone in their 20s has left to work behind a bar in London.
I do miss Australia, bleats Holly. I miss the streets, the air and the way I can get up in the middle of the night and stick my head under the tap without gagging.
I miss the things that make home home.
Like cold beer, kangaroos and huge prison camps full of asylum seekers.’
A Dog’s Dinner
‘HOLLY Valance may be so homesick that she has to pretend she is in Australia by posing in a bikini even in the middle of winter, but Madonna is a true Cockney sparrow.
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| The Beaufort Hunt’s new uniform raised a few eyebrows |
In fact, our Madge is as British as Dick Van Dyke, telling David Letterman that she is now an ‘Anglophile’ who likes doing quintessentially British things like, er, driving on the left hand side of the road, going to the pub and shooting birds.
‘I’m not a vegetarian,’ she says in the Star. ‘The idea is that you go out, go walking, take a dog and basically shoot your dinner.’
If you’re not a very good shot, that normally means dog for dinner.
However, at least it is a bit different from what Madonna grew up with the US where you go out, go walking, take your bitch and basically shoot whoever you want.
But it’s not just about the shooting – it’s about the fashion. As we all know, bloodsports enthusiasts have long been at the cutting edge of couture.
‘The most important part of it is that you wear these fantastic three-piece tweed suits,’ said Madonna. ‘They are very stylish.’
And there was us thinking – in our cancerous way – that they made you look a complete dick.’
Guinness Is Good For You
‘WHEN Madonna is down the Rub-a-dub-dub with ‘er other ‘alf, she no doubt likes to put away a few pints of that English drink, Guinness.
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| Cold remedy |
So she will be cheered to read in this morning’s Mail that a pint of the stout a day is – as the brand has always claimed – good for you.
Researchers in the US have discovered that ‘Guinness works twice as well as any lager at producing anti-clotting activity in the blood’.
But non-Guinness drinkers should not despair – the lager drinking Star reports that US researchers have finally found a cure for the common cold. It’s called sex.
The paper says that ‘having nookie twice a week is the perfect way to fight off these winter bugs’.
‘Simply stated, more is better,’ says Professor Carl Charnetski (who has never had a day off sick in his life).
‘We found that individuals engaging in sex once or twice a week have substantially higher levels of antibodies than those reporting no sexual activity.’
More good news for Star-reading men – the quality of the sex and its duration are irrelevant.
However, having said that ‘more is better’, Professor Charnetski then backtracks and claims that IgA levels in people who have sex every day are just as low as those who don’t have sex at all.
And people who have sex on the banks of a frozen lake in Alaska are more likely to get colds than those who are tucked up warm in a single bed.’
Morning Glory
‘IN the last few days, we have learnt more than we ever wanted to know about Prince Charles and his morning routine.
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| ‘You look like you’re good with your hands’ |
Of course, we are not allowed to divulge exactly what ex-valet George Smith said he saw when he delivered breakfast in bed to the heir to the throne.
So, we will have to be content with describing the Prince’s breakfast, which a Royal insider tells the Star is organised with ‘the precision and efficiency of a Formula 1 car’.
The cup and saucer are on the right of the tray, a silver spoon pointing outwards at an angle of 5 o’clock. Plates must be placed with the Prince of Wales crest pointing to 12 o’clock.
Butter must come in three balls, slightly chilled, and toast is always in a silver rack.
If Charles wants a plate of bangers, the mustard jar must be on the left, with the pepper pot behind it, and the salt cellar must be on the right.
‘The royal household operates on a strict system on military lines, with specific servants having specific roles,’ says Simon Solari, a former valet.
Solari casts doubt on Smith’s allegations, suggesting that he was never of a high enough rank to serve the Prince his breakfast.
‘The two main valets work it out in regards to their days off,’ he tells the Star. ‘It really wouldn’t fall on the most junior valet to look after the Prince.
‘They’re behind the scenes, hanging up the ties if you like.’
Knowing as we do that Prince Charles has servants to squeeze his toothpaste onto a brush and even to hold the Royal todger when he goes for a pee, we are not surprised to learn that he has a Royal Tie Hanger-Upper.
But what, we ask, was the official title of the lickspittle whom Smith alleges he saw giving the future king his wake-up call that morning.’
Breast Of British
‘BEING the red-blooded Englishman that he is, when Prince Charles receives his morning wake-up call, he likes to receive a freshly ironed copy of the Sun as well.
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| By Royal Approval |
And it is always opened on Page 3 so the heir to the throne can see which one of his future subjects is baring her breasts for the Royal pleasure that morning.
Knowing of the Prince’s interest in the young, we are sure that he will cast an extra keen eye over this morning’s paper, introducing us as it does to ‘classy’ Krystle – winner of the paper’s Page 3 Idol competition.
‘The 20-year-old stunner outshone thousands of other lovelies as readers voted for their favourite contestants,’ the paper says.
If truth be told, there is something distinctly odd about Krystle’s breasts – namely, that they are so far apart that you could drive a small Royal carriage between them.
But the people have spoken and Krystle, from Ashton-under-Lyne, is delighted. ‘I am so surprised and happy,’ she said.
And so is Prince Charles, not least because he had his Royal Telephone Dialler call in and cast several votes for the 32C-24-33 stunna.’
Blaine Outboxed
‘DAVID Blaine spent 44 days in a box overhanging the Thames, but he has a long way to go to depose Paul Daniels as the king of magic.
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| Paul and Debbie were always a hit at the Wargrave Summer Fete |
And as if to prove it, Daniels is in the Mail in his own box surrounded by the water of the Thames where he – and the lovely Debbie McGee – have been for the past SIX years.
The difference is that Daniels’ box is worth £2.25m and is described in the paper as ‘a luxury, glass-fronted residence’ on the banks of the Thames in Wargrave.
That is, it was worth £2.25m until Wokingham councillors threw out a plan to raise up the house on stilts to protect it from flooding.
‘Their decision means it may now be impossible to sell,’ says the Mail – which says the value of the house has plummeted from a seven-figure sum to…’not a lot’.
Last night, a furious Daniels told the paper that the council had been scared to use its imagination.
‘Everyone is amazed that the plans were rejected,’ he said. ‘The river flooded and half the house was under 2ft of water.’
And that, as we know, means Daniels – and the lovely Debbie McGee – would have been well out of their depth.’
Di Another Day
‘WHEN Paul Burrell opens his mouth, it is as if Princess Diana lives again.
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| ‘I wish that little creep would stop following me’ |
Her ex-butler has now taken on the role of the Queen of Hearts’ representative on earth – so this morning we learn the princess’s thoughts on the storm engulfing the monarchy.
‘Burrell: Diana Believed The Valet,’ says the Mirror headline, ‘…and the Palace has let down the Prince.’
However, if you assumed that this means that Princess Diana believed the allegations against her husband and a servant (which we can’t repeat for legal reasons), you would be wrong.
Burrell, despite being entrusted with the Princess’s innermost thoughts on everything else, is not privy to what Diana thought about that incident.
But he does know that Diana believed every word of valet George Smith’s claim that he was raped by another servant.
‘He is a good man and an old friend, who doesn’t have a bad bone in his body,’ says Burrell (with an unfortunate turn of phrase).
‘But he, like myself, will stand up for what he believes is right and wrong.’
And because it hurts too much to sit down.
Of course, the fact that Diana believed Smith’s allegations do not make them true – after all, this is a woman who was a keen student of astrology and enjoyed throwing herself down the stairs.
And the Sun, pitching its tent firmly in Prince Charles’ camp, is not taking the word of a dead princess (especially one whose thoughts have been confided to a rival newspaper).
In a piece of breath-taking hypocrisy, the paper calls on the rest of Fleet Street to lay off the man who would be king.
‘If you tell a big enough lie often enough, people will believe it’s the truth,’ says the paper – and it should know.
‘That’s the terrible position Prince Charles finds himself in. A ridiculous rumour about his sexuality has been fanned by the oxygen of publicity until it is an inferno that threatens the whole future of the heir to the throne.’
And who lit the match?’
Es Are Good
‘WHAT are you getting Danniella Westbrook for her 30th birthday? A couple of grams and a bottle of vodka. Pleeease. A new nose? She’s got one. A career? It’s a bit too late for that.
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| ‘You promised me you’d get me a new face’ |
How about something understated, like new breasts? That’s what hubby Kevin Jenkins is buying the former EastEnders actress to celebrate her milestone.
And the Star says the surgery will boost the reformed cokehead’s bust from a 34DD to an ‘eye-popping’ 34EE.
And Jordan had better watch out – this will be Danniella’s fourth operation on her chest (which was a natural 34B when she first appeared on our TV screens a decade ago).
‘It’s the best birthday present I could ever dream of,’ she tells the Star. ‘They’ve shrunk a bit since the last op and I want them to be a bit bigger.’
However, what Kevin really should have done is buy his wife a new face.
The Express says 10 patients from around the world have volunteered for this pioneering face transplant surgery – using faces from corpses.
One of the volunteers is believed to be a talkative florist from north Wales who is said to be taking on the face of his former employer, a dead princess.’
Bunch Of Constables
‘WHEN Sophie, Countess of Wessex, felt an agonising pain in her stomach on Saturday afternoon, she did what anyone would do in that situation – she called 999.
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| ‘And then I pulled the baby out…’ |
And the police did what the police did and forgot to pass on the message to the ambulance service, instead sending squad cars to beef up security at Bagshot Park.
It meant that Sophie had to wait a potentially lethal 30 minutes before medical assistance arrived – and it also diverted the police from their other duties.
For instance, they could have been sitting in a lay-by and lying in wait for the world’s top rally drivers, four of whom were yesterday banned from driving for speeding en route to a world championship warm-up event.
They could have been helping to prosecute head-teacher Pam Mitchelhill, who is being hauled before magistrates and accused of slapping a six-year-old pupil despite the fact that the little girl herself has told police that nothing happened.
Or they could be investigating Dr Peter Foster, the Bishop of Chester, for suggesting that some homosexual men and women could ‘reorientate’ themselves.
Certainly, former shadow home secretary Ann Widdecombe is clear where her priorities lie.
‘I don’t want to be told that the police can’t attend the scene of a burglary or stake out a drug dealer’s house when they are investigating stuff like this,’ she tells the Mail.
However, Sophie can comfort herself that her trip to the hospital was uneventful unlike the poor teenager who was being driven to hospital along the M5 when she fell out the back of the speeding ambulance and died.’
Render Unto Caesar
‘WHERE was Prince Edward when his wife Sophie complained of agonising stomach pains on Saturday evening and was rushed to hospital for an emergency Caesarean section?
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| ‘It’s me that should be sectioned’ |
Shame on you who suggested that he might have been in bed with one of his servants!
According to the Mail, the hard-working prince was actually on an official holiday, sorry, visit to Mauritius when the call came through.
He quickly finished his official pina colada, rolled off his official sun lounger and jumped onto the first available plane to Paris.
There he no doubt enjoyed an official slap-up meal at Maxims before being flown back to Farnborough on the Queens Flight, by which time of course he had missed all the action.
I am rather shocked and delighted at the news, obviously sorry that I was not able to be a part of it, he told the paper.
I have seen Sophie, she is doing well she has also had a bit of a fraught time of it.
Also? Come on, Eddie. Surviving a major medical emergency, in which (the Sun says) your wife could easily have died, is nothing compared with having to cut short a trip to Mauritius.
But you can at least console yourself that you have official trips to the Maldives, Tenerife and the Bahamas coming up so you will have plenty of time to recover from this trauma.’
A Right Pair
‘PRINCE Edward may be too busy flicking through travel brochures and wondering where to go on his next official visit to allow himself to be diverted by the free poster that comes with this mornings Star.
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| ‘I thought you all knew Camilla’s a man’ |
But a red-blooded man like his oldest brother will surely be salivating at the prospect of Lucy Pinder and her heroine Jordan going breast-to-breast at last.
It will certainly take Prince Charless mind off the rest of the days headlines, all of which are concerned with the heir to the thrones sexuality.
TV Charles: Ill Tell It Straight, is the Stars innuendo-laden headline, while its sister paper, the Express, quotes former Royal aide Mark Bolland, who says the Prince is emphatically not bisexual.
It is funny then that the Sun should suggest that the Prince is considering suing his 37-year-old former spin doctor, who is himself openly gay.
The paper says Charles will hold crisis talks today with his lover Camilla Parker Bowles and son William to try to find a way to defuse the crisis.
He is even said to be considering a TV appearance to put across his side of the story.
The only question is who should conduct the interview – Martin Bashir or Garth Crooks.
Your Royal Highness. A tape. Bed. Leaks. Princess of Wales. Queen of Hearts. A servant. Clean sheets. Bicurious. Bisexual. Biathlon. What is the truth? What is truth?’
Thirst Is The Mother Of Invention
‘IT is mid-November and at last we have spotted our first Christmas is cancelled story of the season.
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| ‘I’m on the Anorak’ |
And it comes courtesy of the Sun, which warns that Britain is facing a Christmas tree shortage after the summer heatwave destroyed the crop.
Growers have lost a third of their crop – and they warn that the trees they do have available will be expensive and may be of poor quality, the paper says.
In other words, quintessentially British.
However, the shortage of Christmas trees is as nothing to the shortage of beer in the height of the summer, when the Star warned that the nations lager supplies were down to dangerously low levels.
Such is the love of beer in Britain that, in a survey to find the greatest invention of the past 40 years, almost half the population chose the humble widget the little gadget that puts a head on canned beer.
The device, which was first introduced by Guinness in 1989, attracted 48% of votes, with e-mail and the Internet getting just 13% and mobile phones a paltry 7%.
Ironically, the survey itself was conducted on the Internet…’
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
‘POOR Sonia. Not only does she have to contend with the fact that she looks like sofa with a fringe, shes had to give up her daughter for adoption and then lost her fiancée in a car crash (and to Kym Marsh).
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| ‘Oh my God! I’m in bed with a hippo’ |
Now shes been forced to do yet another bedroom scene and, believe me, were suffering right up alongside with her.
Sonia finally snapped after listening to Martins incessant whinging about how awful his life was. You make me sick! she spat. Youve taken everything from me Chloe and then Jamie. Ive got nothing.
Which isnt strictly true, as shes clearly got access to considerable pie supply.
Martin decided to cheer her up the only way he knew how, unfortunately not by taking an overdose which would have also cheered up about 16 million other people but by taking her to bed.
The next morning Sonia realised what a terrible mistake shed made and kicked Martin out. Lets hope that history (and scriptwriters) dont repeat themselves and give Sonia another permanent reminder of her mistakes. One Martin-Sonia offspring is surely all the world can support.
Another hideous coupling took place this week when Janine agreed to become Mrs Barry Evans. I had to do it, she told boyfriend Paul. Id ave lost everyfink home, job, car
Janines marriage is set to be short-lived though, as rumour has it shes set to become a merry widow very soon. Youve made me the appiest man alive, Barry told a packed Queen Vic, which as any avid soap-watcher knows, is a sure fire sign that hes doomed.
Elsewhere in The Square, Alfie was forced to tell Kat about Nanas illness. Alfie had stood Kat up to take Nana to hospital after promising to look at wedding dresses with her.
You dont fink of anyone but yerself! howled Kat in the middle of the Square. You know ow important finding the right dress is for me.
Indeed, there arent many places that can provide that amount of silk at such short notice. Kat was forced to eat humble pie (and probably asked for seconds), when she realised that Alfie had stood her up to take his grandmother to hospital for a brain scan.
You should atold me the truth, Kat told him. Yer me best mate. Andy is less than happy with Kat having stayed the night at Alfies to comfort him. And quite rightly so – we all know how much Kat likes her comforts.’
The Bum’s Rush
‘SO often when stars make it to the top they forget what helped them on their way.
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| Beyonce and her bum in happier times |
And so it is that we read with shaking heads the Sun’s news that Beyonce Knowles doesn’t want anyone focusing on her backside.
Like George Michael’s Andrew Ridgely, Beyonce’s backside has ably supported the main star of the show on her meteoric rise to fame’s rich golden pastures.
But at last night’s MTV awards Beyonce told camera crews that she wanted none of them to film her backing act.
She wants to be taken as a serious artiste and thinks that being associated with what is merely a makeweight, albeit a charming and amply proportioned one, will hold her back.
With no interviews with Beyonce’s ass forthcoming, the Star follows Beyonce’s front end to Harvey Nichols emporium, London.
There, the bit of Beyonce that sings spent £20,000 in a one-and-a-half hour shopping spree, taking in such items as a Kimono dress, some jeans, a bottle of perfume and a denim jacket.
But cruelly nothing for her arse, which had to make do with yesterday’s Y-fronts and a seat on the bus.’
Hostage Of Fortune
‘FAME costs and some times the price can be bigger than falling out with your backside, like Beyonce, or looking a complete arse, like Victoria Beckham.
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| A Seaborn Disaster |
Sometimes the price can be written in letters cut out from old newspapers and posted to a close relative.
Its the kind of thing that has sort of happened to Michelle Seaborn, the sensationally talented star of televisions Wife Swap.
Yesterday we revealed how Michelle had been kept a virtual prisoner on the infected ship, the Aurora.
Today she finally touches earth in Southampton, following 17 days of hell at sea.
And, as the Mirror reports, this celebrity wants payback. She plans to sue the owners of the ship, P&O, for kidnap.
They held me hostage and we will be suing for kidnap, says Michelle of both she and her husband, Barry.
Michelle claims, in the Star, that she and Barry were certified free of the virus that plagued the ship when the Aurora docked in Gibraltar.
As a result, they bought flights home but P&O would not give them their passports to make the trip.
The reason for this is obvious. Such is Michelles status that had she had left the other passenger would have screamed about preferential treatment.
And thats not taking into consideration the fans who would have wilfully infected themselves or dived into the murky brine had their Michelle left them in their hour of need.
Ask yourself this, Michelle: what would Vera Lynn have done?’
