Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Spot The Difference
‘WHILE Arnold Schwarzenegger is combing the papers for a woman he hasnt groped, he will come across pictures of one he most certainly has.
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| ‘No, I can check my own breasts – thank you very much, Mr Governor’ |
The Sun publishes the sexiest ever pictures of telly sex kitten Denise Van Outen dressed in not very much to highlight Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Of course, Arnie could claim that, when he fondled Ms Van Outens breasts during an appearance on The Big Breakfast a few years ago, he was just helping her check for lumps.
Alternatively, he could claim that it was a case of mistaken identity and he was really trying to do what most of Britain had done already and get his hands on Ulrika Jonsson.
The Mirror claims it is becoming increasingly difficult to tell Ulrika Jonsson and Denise Van Outen apart.
As evidence, it shows the two blondes on the beach, both dressed in black bikinis, both with their hair tied back in a ponytail and both with the same chunky sunglasses.
In fact, just about the only difference the Mirror can spot is that Ulrika probably has a slight edge in the bust department.
However, by way of confirmation we have asked a certain Austrian-born former Mr Universe to perform his own checks…’
Back From The Dead
‘DIRTY Den rose up from his watery grave last week, slipped his black leather jacket back on and sauntered back into Albert Square.
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| ‘Ugh! You smell of dead fish and pondweed’ |
Ello Princess, he growled as the stepped out of the shadows and back into Sharons life. Sharon took one look at him and promptly threw up.
Vicki, who in the process seems to have undergone the sort of accent change Sean Connery would be proud of, found Den in Spain. When he realised that Dalton was dead, he decided to accompany his daughter back to Walford in an attempt to resurrect his relationship with Sharon, and his acting career.
On the evidence so far though, its clear where his son Dennis has inherited his ply-wood skills from.
After initially telling Den she wished he really was dead, Sharon decided to forgive him and accept his excuse that it would have been too dangerous for him to contact her, wot with a price still on my head. This in spite of the fact that his hiding place in Spain was discovered by a 17-year-old girl.
Den came home to more family than he was expecting when Dennis revealed that he was his son. Dennis didnt get the welcome he was expecting though. Oos yer mum? asked Den and, when told it was a Paula Rickman, Den looked blank.
It were all a bit of fun back then. You didnt stop to ask their names, Den told his son. Dennis won a bit of respect from Den though when he revealed that it was him who shot Dalton.
E were like a dad to be, Dennis said. Which made Den wonder just what Dennis might do to his real father.
Their uneasy truce isnt going to last long though when Den discovers that Dennis has slept with his Princess. I love you, Sharon, Dennis told her the morning after their night together. I know were meant to be together.
Sharon looked rather taken aback. But youre my brother, she told him, clutching the pink sheets to her orange chest.
Which while not strictly true, does give their relationship a rather special angle. On the bright side though, at least Sharon wouldnt have to change her surname if they got married.’
The Predator
‘IT is hard to think of a person less suitable for public office than Arnold Schwarzenegger, but then it is hard to think of a constituency who more deserves him than California.
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| Anna denied that she led Arnie on |
Yesterday, Republicans whooped and cheered as the Terminator issued a public apology for groping and molesting at least six women.
And, despite the movie stars admission that his behaviour was offensive, his campaign spokesman said the womens accusations were part of a smear campaign.
This is something that discourages good, hard-working, decent people from running for office, Sean Walsh told the Sun.
Luckily, Schwarzenegger is neither good nor decent and is not at all discouraged.
Yes, it is true there were rowdy movie sets and I have done things that were not right which I thought then was playful, he said yesterday.
One of those playful incidents happened three years ago during an ITV interview with Anna Richardson to plug his movie The Sixth Day.
He kept looking at my breasts and asking if I worked out, Anna tells the Sun (which also reported on the story at the time).
I went to shake his hand and he grabbed me onto his knee and said Before you go, I want to know if your breasts are real.
At that point, he circled my left nipple with his finger and said Theyre real.
Denise Van Outen was another TV presenter who was at the receiving end of the wandering hands of the man dubbed Arnie The Barbarian by the Express.
As proof, it has a photo of Schwarzenegger with his hand on her bum during an appearance on Channel 4s Big Breakfast.
And, the paper says, he is also alleged to have let his hand wander close to Melanie Sykess breasts as they posed for the cameras after a TV interview.
None of which will probably make any difference to the California electorate next Tuesday who seem determined to saddle themselves with the former bodybuilder as governor.
After all, they seem to have forgiven him for being the son of a Nazi, for admitting to smoking drugs, taking part in orgies, calling gays fags, being a serial adulterer, a liar, for Kindergarten Cop…’
Not Named, But Shamed
‘EVEN Matthew Wright would be hard pressed to blurt out by accident the names of the eight footballers at the centre of the gang rape allegations.
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| Scene of the alleged crime |
But it is surely only a matter of time until the country’s worst kept secret since the naming of John Leslie is out in the open.
Until then, we are being drip fed little nuggets of information by a Press that is mindful that footballers can afford very expensive lawyers.
For instance, the Sun this morning leads with the ‘news’ that the footballer at the centre of the investigation plays for Chelsea.
‘He was the one a 17-year-old says she agreed to have sex with – before seven stars from another Premiership club entered the hotel room,’ it says.
For most people, that is as shocking as the revelation that the sky is blue or that Vanessa Feltz is in fact part-whale.
But still this absurd charade continues, at least until tomorrow when fans will no doubt do what the papers cannot and chant the names of the players involved.
The Star says that songs have already been prepared and are being passed around in football chatrooms, although some identify the wrong players.
And that is causing a headache for TV bosses who are apparently considering special measures, such as time delays, to ensure the audience at home do not hear the chants.
As for the club for which seven of the eight players play, it is not known whether the accused will be picked or not.
What is known is that the whole incident has caused a massive rift in the club with one senior player, described by the Star as ‘one of the biggest names in the England game’, having to be restrained from physically attacking one of the players concerned.
And there were even fears for the manager’s health after he learned about the allegations.
‘He just sat there with his head bowed, shaking his head repeatedly,’ a source tells the Star. ‘He was almost in tears.”
Sand Castles In The Air
‘AFTER three months of inspections and a cost of £200m, the inspectors charged with tracking down Saddam Husseins weapons of mass destruction have found nothing.
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| Inspectors found enough weapons-grade potatoes to load several spud guns |
Well, theyve found a lot of sand, some of which could admittedly be thrown into the eyes of any hostile force.
But, says the Mail, they have not found a single nuclear, chemical or biological weapon, never mind one that could be deployed at 45 minutes notice.
All of which comes as a blow to Tony Blairs already tarnished credibility, particularly as he has always claimed he would be vindicated in the long run.
It also comes as a blow to the Sun, which was Blairs loudest cheerleader in the headlong rush to military action.
Or it would come as a blow had the Sun read the same report as the other papers.
Instead, it tells its readers how the shocking report suggests Saddam Hussein was secretly planning to build nuclear weapons.
And, it claims, inspectors also discovered Saddam planned to secretly buy rockets that could hit British bases in the Med.
He also no doubt secretly dreamt of taking over the world and installing himself as The Supreme Being but unfortunately we could find no evidence that he actually had the capacity to do so.
Just a lot of sand…’
Identity Parade
‘ANYONE who wants to know the identity of the eight footballers at the centre of the gang rape allegation could trawl the Internet looking for their names.
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| Mirror image |
Alternatively, they could get out their Panini album of Premiership stars and try to match up the stickers with the silhouettes published on the front of todays Mirror.
Failing that, they could stake out police stations up and down the country, as the Star says the eight will be quizzed by detectives investigating the incident within the next 24 hours.
A police source tells the paper that the 17-year-old girl, who claims to have been raped by five of the men and indecently assaulted by two others in a room at Londons Grosvenor hotel, is a credible witness.
But one of the players, described in one paper as a talented England international (which narrows the field considerably), claims to have an alibi.
The Sun says he has given police the name of another girl who insists he was in bed with her at the time of the alleged attack.
He claims in true tabloid fashion – that he romped with the beauty for more than 12 hours.
And, says the Sun, the players date is ready to disclose his sexual prowess to cops, giving him an alibi he is sure will prove his innocence.
And help him lure more women into his bed…’
Happiness Is…
‘LIES, lust and laziness – those are the three Ls that lie at the heart of a happy life, according to novelist and bon viveur John Mortimer.
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| Read it – and weep (with joy) |
But in our quest for a more scientific route to perfect contentment, we turn to the Mail which reports on research by a panel of psychologists and sociologists.
And they confirm what we at Anorak Towers could have told you, namely ‘that being supremely clever, filthy rich and drop-dead gorgeous are grossly overrated’.
In fact, after extensive research, to that list we can add ‘sublimely witty’, ‘fantastic in bed’ and ‘with the body of a Greek god’.
The secret to true happiness is possessing the right genes, says the report in the New Scientist magazine, with some people just born happy.
If you’re born a miserable bastard, don’t despair – some people are born happy, but others can marry happiness.
Much to the delight of the Mail, studies apparently show that married people are happier than people who are single. Living together does not have the same effect.
If you’re born a miserable and ugly bastard (and can’t find anyone willing to walk down the aisle with you), all is not lost.
Third on the list of reasons to be cheerful is having an extended family.
If you’re born a miserable and ugly bastard and an orphan, forget it – some people are just not meant to be happy.’
Lip Service
‘REGULAR readers will know the interest with which we at Anorak have followed the career of Lucy Pinder from the moment she was discovered on Bournemouth beach.
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| Lucy is never knowingly overdressed |
You will recall how 19-year-old Lucy with the FF chest sacrificed a place at college where she was to study English literature to pursue a career as a mo-del.
And you will know how we said at the time that the literary world’s loss was our gain as Lucy posed in the Star in a series of ever more revealing outfits.
Summer may be over, but our Lucy is happy to cock a snook at the autumnal temperatures by turning out again this morning on the front page of the Star in only a bikini (and, for some reason we have not yet been able to fathom, a stetson).
Perhaps the hat is in homage to Madonna, especially so as when we catch up with Lucy in the inside pages we see that she too has jumped on the girlie snogging craze.
Lucy locked lips with fellow Star mo-del Nicola McLean at the Bad Boys 2 party last night, coincidentally at just the time a Star photographer was taking her picture.
‘It’s the new trend for female celebs,’ the Star tells its readers. ‘Forget a peck on the cheek – now it’s cool to smooch.’
We look forward to watching this new trend pan out – yesterday it was Madonna and Britney, today it is Lucy and Nicola, who will it be tomorrow?
We’re offering even money on Cherie Blair and Laura Bush doing tongues before the year’s out.
Freedom kissing, as they call it in the great US of A.’
Pommy De Terror
‘LIKE the British Empire, al Qaeda have plans to turn the bits of the world where their operatives ply their trade a deep blood red.
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| ‘Ah, fair suck of the sauce bottle, mate’ |
But rather than a mission to civilise and dress the locals in ties, the oddly invisible Osama bin Ladens band of misfits and weirdos have only one desire: to kill.
And judging by todays papers they are coming to a town near you, if they are not already there.
The Star says that yesterday ten Algerian men were arrested in London and Manchester under suspicion that they were planning a strike on UK targets.
At around the same time, the Mail saw Tunisian-born Nizar ben Abdelaziz Smudger Trabelsi, a former footballer for German Bundesliga team Fortuna Duesseldorf, get banged up by a Belgian court for his part in a plot to attack a NATO base.
Nizy is thought to be under the moon, sick as an infidel dog at the thought of spending the next ten seasons in chokey. If only hed kept things simple. If only hed moved to Australia.
Once there he could have settled down, and like the other 100 active members of the terror group blown the froth off a cold one, thrown a sheeps gonad on the barbie and done his bit for the hole in the Ozone.
And more likely hed had fond himself quite happy. Thats the opinion of Rohan Gunaratna, head of terrorism research at Singapores Institute for Defense and Strategic Studies, in the Express.
Gunaratna says that terrorists despatched to foment disaster in Australia grew to like the place.
Many on the Oz groups had jobs, homes, children at school, and had settled into the Aussie way of life. Living in Australia had influenced their thinking.
As one of the number puts it: Two pints of lager, three red wines and a G & T…thatll be £10:25, you godless Pommy bastard!’
Goodbye, Farewell
‘A GROUP yet more toxic and unappealing than al Qaeda could be found last night singing along to the Sound Of Music at the Alexandria Theatre in Birmingham.
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| ‘We are sixty, going on seventy…’ |
All the usual suspects were there – the kind of people who set up societies at universities and colleges, who go along to watch the London Marathon and who have read all the Harry Potter books.
There they were in the theatre, dressed as nuns, Nazis and all manner of undesirables, ready to ‘doh a deer’ and ‘climb ev’ry mountain’.
The Sun was also there, looking on as around 40 of the most hardcore activists of such godless shindigs mounted the stage and belted out a song.
And now a pause. For all of you out there who thought God was just a made-up thing, something to be thanked by pop stars at their moment of triumph, think again.
God works in mysterious ways his wonder to perform. In short, the stage collapsed, sending the nun fetishists and wannabe Herrenvolk crashing more than 12ft into the orchestra pit.
At this point we should say that people were hurt, some quite badly.
While we wish no ill to come of this band, we ask you to save your own prayers for the other inmates at the hospital where they are receiving treatment.
If Frank Bruno wasn’t off his rocker before, a few con molto brio verses of My Favourite Things should see him mad as a hatter by teatime.’
Cod Philosophy
‘WE are not alone in knowing that a goldfish has a memory of just three seconds.
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| ‘Damn. I’ve forgotten how to tell the time again’ |
And for anyone who has wondered how scientists discovered that gem of trivia, there is an answer in todays Express.
And its that a goldfish says so. Its true. Dr Phil Gee, a psychologist at Plymouth University, says that goldfish are bright enough to tell the time.
Like many small birds and mammals, the slippery little creatures are able to learn.
Sadly, in light of the film Finding Nemo, the first thing a goldfish will learn is what happens when your best pal flushes you down the toilet.
Having seen the movie, the Express reports that hundreds of American children have tried to free their fish by sending them the way of so many turds.
Americans have also tried to liberate goldfish by killing all predators who fail to sign a non-aggression pact and invading Iraq.’
Pitta And Twisted
‘BEING born into a family of non-celebrity people is cruel luck. Parents who are below a C-list standing should be banned from having kids by law and possibly sterilised.
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| ‘Don’t worry, love. There’s a KFC somewhere near here’ |
Deprived of famous parents and thus a decent start in life, the lowly have to seek out rich and notables to date…and get punched in the face by.
Which brings us to Ulrika Jonsson, a girl from humble stock who has made it her life’s work to pull herself up by the bra straps – albeit with a helping tug from former Blue Peter presenters, depressed footballers and all manner of Rhinos and Hawks.
But the one who elevated Ulrika on a pair of Cuban heels was Sven Goran Eriksson. And it’s that relationship that’s caught the eye of Sven’s current flame, the strident Nancy Dell’Olio.
Like Nancy, the Sun read Ulrika’s dire column in some Sunday rag and noted how the blonde strumpet suggested that the Italian one would be ‘nothing and no-one’ without her fiancée Sven.
Ulrika’s right, of course, because anyone who doesn’t have a famous date actually ceases to exist. They become nothing. But Nancy does have a famous lover on her arm, and so is something.
Angered by Ulrika’s comments, Nancy has sought to rid the Earth of the former weather girl. And what better way to begin than by having her blacklisted from San Lorenzo’s restaurant.
A friend is on hand to tell the Sun all. ‘Sven and Nancy are regulars at San Lorenzo. They go there much more often than Ulrika. Nancy assures me Ulrika is now banned.’
Oooer! Without a celebrity eaterie to hang out in, Ulrika will surely shrivel up like her famous pitta breads. She must act now to restore her rightful place at table.
As the Sun says, ‘Ulrika isn’t the sort of woman who takes something like this lying down.’ Or up against the wall in the gents, for that matter…’
A Holiday Saga
‘IT takes little imagining to think that, given another set of circumstances, Ulrika Jonsson could have embarked on a career as a holiday rep.
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| Club 58-70 rep |
And she yet might, given the news in the Express that travel agent First Choice is advertising for the over-50s to join its happy throng of staff.
It is certainly something for Ulrika to aim for, although the recruitment drive is not based on a need to inject a little older and bolder experience into the general debauchery but to make things a little more respectable.
The company says that, with younger travellers increasingly making bookings over the Internet, its time for an older face to sit in the shop and look terminally bored.
And since the shops are warm and dry, old persons should think of it as being paid to sit in the library.
Or a hospital waiting room…’
Stella Talents
‘CHILDREN of pop stars of yesteryear have it far from easy.
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| Stella gives herself a well-deserved standing ovation |
Its not the fault of stunning models like Mick Jaggers daughter Elizabeth and Ronnie Woods offspring Leah that they have inherited their fathers good looks.
Even if dad had not been famous these girls would have made it in the fashion world – sure as eggs is eggs and Stella McCartney is a top fashion designer.
But dissenters are always there, backbiting and ready with accusations of nepotism. And that brings us to Jeff Banks, who is calling Stellas designs amateurish in the Mail.
She is successful anyway, not necessarily because of her aptitude as a designer, says the former presenter of the BBCs The Clothes Show and designer-in-chief of Sainsburys stylish Drudge range.
Had it not been for having a very rich father, would she be getting all this praise? asks Banks. I very much doubt it.
As a friend of Stellas says, its all terribly not fair to say that Stella is dependent on her internationally famous father for her success.
Its like saying Kelly Osbourne is an untalented lump who wouldnt have sung karaoke, let alone released a single, had her dad not been an old rocker.
Or that hugely talented Julian Lennon wouldnt have released singles if his surname had been different.
Or that George Dubya Bush wouldnt have been lead singer of the world had his dad not gone before him. Or that…’
Table Talk
‘MEDICAL students who study cancer matters via the Mails oncology casebook will have learnt some interesting facts about the dreaded disease.
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| Ronnie’s keeping both feet firmly on the floor |
For instance, just looking at asylum seekers can increase the chances of contracting eyeball cancer tenfold and being smiled upon by Tony Blair will cause you to suffer teeth cancer and vomit.
Now the paper that educates tells medical students and panic merchants that suntan lotion could raise the risk of getting skin cancer.
It does this not because it acts as a poison but because by wearing the cream you may wrongly believe yourself to be immune from sun damage.
In short, if you are stupid, you are twice as likely to catch skin cancer as someone who covers up head to toe and never allows the suns toxic fingers touch their skin.
The advice is simple: its time for the Mails 20 million asylum seekers to pull on their old burkas and yashmacks and forgo the tan.
Already Ronnie OSullivan is doing it. According to the Sun, the bad boy of world snooker has turned to Islam in a bid to beat cancer and keep his life on track.
And Ronnie has boxer Prince Naseem Hamed to thank. The Mirror days that Naseem gave OSullivan a video made by Muslim preacher Khalid Yassin, and one look was all it took for Ronnie to take the plunge.
Its not known whether Ronnie has plans to change his name, as fellow sportsmen like Cassius Clay so famously did, but if he does, the man known as The Rocket might like to try The Scud or the Weapon Of Mass Destruction.
This way, if the Government still wants to find WMD, they could look towards the more leafy parts of Essex and BBC2…’
Stoned Free
‘ONE way we can all get cancer is by smoking. But if you blend cannabis with your tobacco you will be too high and goofed to know about it and simply die in blissful ignorance.
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| Smoking weed makes you more attractive to the opposite sex |
The added bonus is that you will not have asked for treatment and so not drained the NHS of its limited resources.
Problem is that too few of us know how to take the drug. Just how do you roll a joint? And what are hot knives and magic pin tricks?
In the interests of reducing hospital waiting lists and keeping us all as happy as the Blairs, a Government advice service has produced a booklet fashioned to resemble a packet of Rizla cigarette papers – telling us squares how to skin up and get high.
The Sun has seen the work, produced by that careers advice service Connexions, an agency set up by the Department of Education and Skills and with a £450m annual budget, and spoken with a few teacher types.
They are routinely up in arms, upset that pupils are being tutored into how to use drugs. They are outraged, disgusted and shocked.
The 3,500 children who have already been given the guide, written by the Clued-Up Posse, will now be skilled in the art of rolling a perfect joint – something worth half a Media Studies A-level, or a whole GCSE.
But The Mail is horrified, and dutifully tells its readers what children are being taught.
The resin (sticky stuff) from the plant is usually heated, small bits broken off, mixed with tobacco and rolled into a fag-sized or bigger joint, says the reproduced advice.
Having swiftly discovered that the Mail makes less than ideal smoking paper, the Mails readers learn that cannabis may be smoked on its own in pipes or bongs or on heated knives.
The one issue not addressed is where to get the stuff.
But fear not, if you sons and daughters of Mail readers cant find any weed, mums Valium and dads Prozac will produce a similar effect.’
Falling Idols
‘PEERING into the closets of the Pop Idol hopefuls has revealed some interesting things.
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| The knives are out for Dillon |
Last years winner Will Young was actually found in his own closet, only coming out once hed won the contest.
Gareth Gates wanted to keep the doors on his closet firmly shut but, what with the enormous chest of the woman inside, they kept popping open. Eventually, Jordan burst forth and told all.
But Marc Dillon, a contestant in this years TV talent show, tops that with his effort to put a genuine skeleton in his closet, or at least a partly decomposed corpse.
The Express says that a few years back lovable Marc spent 12 months in jail for his part in a mugging. Marc and two pals attacked one Terry Kiernan.
Their victim was stabbed and robbed. With the man badly injured in the street, the happy trio went to his house and ransacked it.
Now Mark is seen in tears – not because hes a nasty piece of work, but because we the public voted for him to be one of the finalists in this years TV extravaganza.
He is extremely happy. And hes keen to say that he no longer has time for violence and knives unless, of course, the Clued-Up Posse comes over for tea…’
Oh Canadas
‘ONE is a 5ft 10in blonde with blue eyes, bee-sting lips, a career as a catwalk model behind her and a promising future as one of Spains leading actresses in front of her.
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| ‘That’s life,’ says Esther |
The other is a 5ft 5in brunette with bad skin, a stupid grin, a career as a singer firmly behind her and a future as a celebrity shopper stretching out in front of her.
But David Beckham made his bed a few years ago and now he has to lie in it, albeit most of the time alone these days.
The tabloids this morning are full of Victoria Beckham asserting her conjugal rights after her husband was spotted out on the town with beautiful model Esther Canadas.
And she did it in the only way she knows how by wearing a new frock to the British Style Awards.
The Star says her revealing outfit, ironically by a Spanish designer, stole the show the perfect way to deflect critics suggesting her relationship with David is under strain.
Not that it was very successful, because only a few paragraphs later the paper is running the rule over the Beckhams marriage.
Theyre acting like a pair of spoilt kids, a friend says. As David pointed out in his book, it was Victoria who encouraged him to go to Spain.
He thinks it is not unreasonable for her and the kids to join him out there. Victoria disagrees.
However, if David spends many more evenings out on the town with the likes of Senorita Canadas, then his wife might change her mind.
The Spanish media certainly thinks so – yesterday, a Spanish TV programme hinted that the footballers relationship with the model-turned-actress went beyond friendship.
And, according to the Express, it produced a video comparing the relative charms of the two women.
Although Esther might have the edge on beauty, talent, youth etc., Victoria is not without attractions of her own word is she makes a mean shepherds pie.’
Video Drone
‘WHAT did ex-Blue Peter presenter John Leslie do when he first heard that he was not going to faces charges relating to sex allegations made against him?
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| ‘What do mean you’ve got Anthea Turner to play Ulrika?!’ |
He pressed record on his video camera and taped the whole thing.
And that is why we are able to see a still of the 38-year-old Scotsman breaking down in tears on the front page of this mornings Sun.
The paper has seen an advance copy of the video, which will be shown on Sky One on Sunday, and describes how Leslie sinks to the floor and sobs when he hears the good news from lawyers.
Ironically, it was a false dawn for Leslie and he was later told that he would have to face court although all charges were subsequently dropped.
The Sun says the programme, narrated by its own columnist Jane Moore, will contain footage taken over the past 12 months, including exclusive interviews with Leslie, girlfriend Abi Titmuss, friends and family.
Meanwhile, it is comforting to know that, even at their moments of deepest despair, celebrities remain sufficiently self-obsessed to film their every move.
True professionals, one and all.’
Relight My Fire
‘THE Beckhams sex life might be as dry as a martini at the Sahara Hilton during a Vermouth drought, but not everyone is struggling to get their end away.
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| Perving at glow worms will make you go blind |
In fact, every night is birthday night for a colony of nine glow worms after councillors in Higher Poynton in Cheshire turned down the brightness of the street lights.
The Express says the creatures, thought to be one of only 1,250 families left in Britain, were in danger of extinction because of the bright lights.
The glare made their glow virtually invisible, so males were no longer attracted to their wives shimmering backsides, it says.
The parish council paid £100 to fit special masks over the lights and the worms are now said to be as happy as larry.
Glow worms live for about two years, but only two months of those as adults. They have to mate during that time or risk dying out as a species.
But with the lure of the bright lights, it has been getting harder and harder to schedule in nooky time and the worms are becoming increasingly rare.
Beckhams, take note.’
Elle Hath No Fury…
‘IN his battle with the Beckhams for domination of the tabloid front pages, Frank Bruno finds himself this morning where he has been for much of his career – on the canvas.
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| Nuria found herself stuck in the hotel lift |
Ten police officers were yesterday called to the psychiatric hospital where Britain’s most famous panto actor is being detained after he flew into a rage and started hurling furniture about.
But even that is not enough to overshadow Los Beckhams, with David landing a fierce upper-cut to Frank’s jaw by being spotted leaving a Spanish nightclub at 5am.
What is more, the England football captain was not alone – he was surrounded by his Real Madrid team-mates and a posse of girls.
‘And there was another shock,’ reports the Star, ‘when party babe Nuria Bermudez – known as the Spanish Jordan – was spotted later at his hotel.’
Unsurprisingly, wife Victoria was unamused and reportedly gave her hubby the ‘hairdryer treatment’ – as well as a light perm and some subtle lowlights.
‘She knows David hasn’t been with this woman,’ a friend tells the Star, ‘but she’s angry he allowed himself to be caught out.
‘This Nuria has already bragged that she is out to get David and it’s beginning to look like she is dead serious.’
The 23-year-old Senorita Bermudez has the Real Madrid badge tattooed to her midriff and claims to have bedded a number of the team, including Ronaldo and Roberto Carlos.
In July, she vowed to add Beckham to the list, saying: ‘Be scared, Victoria. You should be trembling.’
However, instead of trembling with fear, Victoria was trembling with rage last night as she made her first public appearance in Madrid.
And the Spanish press were unimpressed by her diva-like behaviour after she threatened to quit the Elle awards ceremony unless journalists were cordoned in.
‘If that’s the way she’s trying to go about making friends in the city, she’s not making a very good job of it,’ said one Spanish reporter.
Unlike her husband, who seems to be making new friends every day.’
Idol Boast
‘NURIA Bermudez may be known as the Spanish Jordan, but there is only one Jordan – Katie Price.
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| ‘And here’s one I made earlier’ |
And she is back where she belongs this morning, flashing her oversized breasts at the Sun photographer as she left London’s Funky Buddha club with Pop Idol wannabe Brian Ormond.
After famously sleeping with last year’s Pop Idol runner-up Gareth Gates, it seems that Jordan is holding her own auditions to find her personal idol.
In fact, next year we could just dispense with Simon Cowell, Dr Fox and Nikki Chapman and get Jordan to whittle down the thousands of applicants to a hardcore of 50 who have what it takes to make it in showbiz.
Irishman Brian has already got to the final ten on the ITV talent show – and has got Jordan’s vote to go all the way.
Whether he has been all the way with the 34FF mo-del, however, is unclear as of this morning.
Last night, according to the Sun, ‘he admitted he wished he had bedded the maneater – but denied he already had’.
Whether he can say the same this morning we rather doubt as he left the club in the same chauffeur-driven car as Jordan.
A friend of Brian’s told the Sun that he didn’t think Jordan was the singer’s type. ‘I am surprised he wants to go down the Gareth Gates path,’ he said.
The Gareth Gates path, Dwight Yorke path, Dane Bowers path, gladiator Ace path…it is, at least, a path well travelled.’
Health Warning
‘ONE imagines that no-one (with the possible exception of Bugs Bunny) knows better than Jordan how to eat a carrot.
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| Wash, eat, discard |
But just in case she has forgotten, the Department of Health have circulated a step-by-step guide to schools explaining how to get the most from their carrots.
The advice is to wash them, eat them from the bottom, discard the top. Again. Wash, eat, discard. Wash, eat, discard.
It really is that simple but, if you do have any problems, contact Ruth Ward, area co-ordinator of the National School Fruit Scheme and author of said advice.
Leanne Buckley, a teaching assistant at Tithe Barn School in Stockport, told the Mail that Ms Wards wise words accompanied boxes of carrots sent to schools as part of a £42m scheme to encourage children to eat more fruit and vegetables.
Up until then, she said, we were getting apples, pears and bananas and we never received any instructions with them.
All in good time, Leanne. Its not like the Department of Health havent got other things to do.’
Fighting Frank’s Corner
‘IF Frank Bruno had any doubts that he still retains a special place in the heart of the British public, today’s front pages would surely have been enough to dispel them.
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| ‘And they wonder why I’m delusional!’ |
Fresh from yesterday’s amazing volte face, in which its front page headline changed from ‘Bonkers Bruno Locked Up’ to ‘Sad Bruno In Mental Home’ in a matter of minutes, the newly sympathetic Sun this morning launches a campaign to help people with health problems, like the former heavyweight boxing champ.
It’s been a funny week so far for the country’s biggest selling paper – on Monday, it published a special domestic violence ‘shock issue’, promising to expose wife beaters; on Wednesday, it is collecting money in the name of a man who was accused two years ago of knocking his missus around.
And the paper’s discomfort is not lost on any of its rivals, with the Star claiming that it ‘was facing its biggest backlash since the Hillsborough football disaster’.
However, the main focus of the coverage is the 41-year-old boxer himself, with the Mirror painting a pathetic picture of a man who shared the same ring as Mike Tyson and the same stage as Sooty.
‘It was so sad,’ a friend said. ‘Frank was a wreck. He was crying out ‘Laura, Laura, Laura’, sounding like a wounded animal.’
For the Mail, Bruno’s fall from grace is a very modern morality play, with his divorce from wife Laura and his fondness for dope the evils that fed his despair.
‘As far as I’m concerned,’ boxing promoter Frank Warren tells the paper, ‘it’s no secret that Frank has been smoking a lot of dope.
‘In my opinion, this has made him very paranoid and has probably contributed to what has happened to him. It’s well known that drugs can mess up your mind, so there is a good chance this is what has happened to Frank.’
Expert medical advice from a man whose job it is to pay grown men to hit each other as hard as they can in the head.
But most of all there is just sadness, with the Express bizarrely claiming an ‘exclusive’ with its story entitled ‘We All Love You, Frank’.
And it speaks to British boxing great Sir Henry Cooper, who offers his own thoughts on Frank’s condition.
‘You can’t say to people like that, ‘Pull yourself together’,’ he laments. ‘They can’t, they need help and thank God he is going to get help.’
All he needs to do is rub the magic lamp hard…’
Seeing Red
‘IT has taken a heavyweight British hero like Frank Bruno to knock the Beckhams off the front pages, where they started the week.
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| ‘Sorry – the face is familiar, but I’ve forgotten your name’ |
But like a bad penny (or a retired boxer), the Beckhams are back where they belong this morning with the Sun offering a picture exclusive of the couple’s reunion at a private Madrid airport after six days apart.
An onlooker tells the paper that he could see no signs of the supposed rift in the couple’s marriage.
‘David was smiling as he gave Victoria a big hug and a kiss,’ he says (from the bushes where he was hiding). ‘They certainly didn’t look like a couple with problems.’
But one couple who do have problems are the Bests, with the Express relaying the news that 31-year-old Alex Best has finally called time on her eight-year marriage to soccer legend George.
‘But there was an unexpected sting in the tail,’ says the paper. ‘She is making a warts-and-all documentary about their troubles.’
In a Channel 4 documentary, she will be interviewed about recent events in her life, ‘including revelations of his affair with mother-of-two Gina Devivo and his claims that she slept with singer Mick Hucknall’.
Alex’s lawyer said the split was not necessarily irreversible, but would require an awful lot of work on George’s part.
The drinking and the affairs she can forgive, but how can anyone recover from being accused of shagging that ginger bogbrush of a Simply Red crooner.’
