Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Blind Tasting
‘THANKS to researchers, and the Star, we learn that those worldly Glaswegians buy more Indian meals from supermarkets than people of any other region, and that Geordies prefer Italian pizzas and pastas.
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| ‘Put those lights out!’ |
Residents of Nottingham eat the most Chinese and those yeomen of Kent love traditional British fayre more than anyone else.
In London and the south-east, the Mail finds that people typically eat salmon three times a day as part of the Perricone diet. Many eat nothing at all, and are known as mod-els and made-for-TV celebrities.
But the Mirror says that other Londoners dont have clue what theyre putting in their mouths, or where its been. Theyre indulging in the latest dating craze from American – Dating In The Dark.
In this variant to fancying someone and asking them out, the desperate and lonely get to play an adult version of the childhood murder game, when the lights would go out and youd attack anyone in your path.
This game comes with wine, cheese and a main course that looking through the waiters night-vision goggles could be a fillet of succulent beef or a furled napkin.
The key ingredient is wit and charm. Since it’s dark, your voice, presence and smell are all the object of your desire will have to identity you.
In many ways, its like waking up after a typical drunken British Faliraki fumble, only with organic bread and something of the consistency of wet meringue in your mouth…’
Seconder Rates
‘WAS it because they called him Wingnut? Did the girls make fun of his woggle? Until some butler tells all, we can only guess why Prince Charles has it in for Scouts and Girl Guides.
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| Oggi Off |
The Sun says that that the Princes Duchy of Cornwall estate has hiked the annual rent for a hall in Dorchester used by these uniformed do-gooders from £1,600 to £5,000.
Its a disgrace, says Brain Newton, the driving force behind the Central Dorchester Scouts group. Its particularly bad because Charles has always been keen to help youth groups.
It does make for an unpleasant read. But worse news for Charles is that his meanness will also affect other users of the hall, like the YMCA, the Boys Brigade and, more worryingly of all, the judo club.
The local Miss Dorchester pageant might turn nasty should Charles happen along…’
Spot On
‘IF you want to get ahead in Hollywood get a black head. And if you want to go A-list, get a white head with blonde hair growing out of it…and squeeze it until it hurts.
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| Meg has started washing her face in chip fat |
It’s the image of unloveliness that affronts readers of the Sun today as they see a picture of Cameron Diaz’s acne encrusted cheek.
She would turn the other one, but the story goes that there are only more of the troublesome red dots there too.
After telling us that ‘even I have flaws’, humble Big Brother winner Cameron goes on to say that her skin is so over-sensitive she gets inflamed spots at the smallest thing.
‘I even touch door handles with tissues,’ she confides. ‘On days like that I just stay away from the mirror.’
And one way to guarantee a respectful distance is maintained between mirror and face is to buy an Anorak Mirror Oche, a not-to-be-crossed ‘preening line’ placed 237cm from the front face of the mirror – or indulge in a lip enlargement.
Meg Ryan, as the Mail reports, has foolishly opted for option two, and is the latest star to go for the so-called ‘trout pout’, that just-smacked-in-the-kisser look so beloved of actresses.
In the Star’s sensitive hands this surgery becomes a ‘gob job’, and the paper lists the other notables who have opted for the fuller lipped figure.
Their names are by now familiar to all fans of Doctors Nip ‘n’ Tuck – Lynne Perrie, Melanie Griffith and, of course, Leslie Ash.
But the big-lipped look is out, and the spotty complexion is in. Cameron Diaz and 101 Dalmatians cannot be wrong…’
Wood You Believe It?
‘KNOWING as we do that wood floats, we are less surprised than we might be to read the caption in today’s Sun.
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| The couple were getting bored waiting for the Elvis impersonator |
The picture of a sun-dappled swimming pool is underscored by the words, ‘Making a splash…the pool that J-Lo and Ben were planning to dance on’.
Not walk on. But dance on. Perhaps they then plan to turn water into Cristal champagne and feed their 50,000 showbiz pals with a single crabstick?
Whatever else they planned to do on their wedding day is sadly immaterial this morning, as it has transubstantiated into so much dust.
News in the Sun is that this Sunday’s wedding of Jenny and Benny is off. Best listen to the official word from Ben, as delivered by a spokesman dressed as a tree.
‘Due to excessive media attention surrounding our wedding, we have decided to postpone the date,’ says the letter.
It ends: ‘We felt that what should have been a joyful and sacred day could be spoiled for us, our families and our friends.’
At least Jenny can tell her man what it’s like to be married, what happens on so sacred an occasion. She can even tell him what happens in the end.
No, not the buffet of chipolatas and ice cream, or the dancing on water, but the most important thing that will guarantee them many more column inches – divorce.’
Moon Shine
‘IT is unfair on all the talented girls out there to pick one glamorous type to feature on these esteemed pages but Lucy Pinder has been catching our eye of late.
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| Hollywood or bust! |
Indeed, she’s nearly taken it out on several occasions, as the Star has been featuring the near topless mo-del ever since its snapper spotted her basking on a Bournemouth beach.
Back in the summer Lucy was a girl on her way to college. Now she’s on her way to the sunbed studio for an all-over tan.
And that’s a big move because this is the day, as the Star announces on its front page, that ‘Beach Babe Lucy Goes Nude’.
She’s not on the famous pebbles of Brighton beach but can be located on the Star’s centre pages, lying chest down, bottom up on a white rug.
But Lucy must be worried. We’ve looked and looked and looked and can find no hint of celebrity zits on any of Lucy’s four cheeks.
As we’ve learnt from Cameron Diaz, if Lucy wants to make it big in Hollywood, she’d best rediscover her adolescence – and quick!’
Bambi Must Die
‘IF only everyone understood Tony Blair and George Bush, there would be no need for guns and Shock and Awe campaigns.
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| Property of the US Government |
If the masses saw the truth, the evil folks’ weapons of hate could be laid down and people throughout the planet would be free to lift up their lo-cal Cokes to the skies and pledge their allegiance to the flag.
But what then to do with all those expensive munitions? We could just drop them in the ocean or shoot up the moon.
But one enterprising firm in America has come up with an alternative – we turn them into exploding DVDs.
A company called Flexplay has invented a disc that when the rental period has elapsed self-destructs, making martyrs of Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker and Bambi.
While we applaud anything that saves us making a return trip to the video shop and puts down Disney creatures in a humane manner, we warn that the technology will not stop the Internet pirates.
For that we need the full force of the US judiciary, a famously fair and just bunch who have brought their weight to bear on 12-year-old British girl Brianna LaHara.
Her alleged crime is, the Mail reports, to have downloaded nursery rhymes from the Internet and some Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey songs. So the recording industry of America got in touch.
‘I was really scared when I received the lawsuit,’ says Brianna. ‘I thought it was not OK to download music on my computer because my mum paid a service fee for it. Out of all people why did they pick me?’
Perhaps it’s because you wear glasses, Brianna? Perhaps it’s because America just doesn’t like you?
But Brianna should console herself with the news that millions of her fellow freeloaders are due a wake-up call.
Senator Norm Coleman, from Minnesota, fails to deny hating girls in glasses, and seeks to explain all.
‘I don’t want to make criminals out of 60 million kids,’ he says, ‘even though it is the kids and grandkids who are doing these things they shouldn’t be doing.’
And since the US also owns the copyright on straight kissing, Freedom kissing, shoplifting, being surly, fighting, snapping off car aerials, disrespecting the over-35s and dieting, many more youth can expect nasty letters in the days to come…’
Yorkshire Pudding
‘UNLESS you are a tub, being called ‘tubby’ is not a desirable thing. So you’d expect ‘tubby’ Michelle to be upset.
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| Michelle mistook the microphone for an ice-cream cone |
She probably is, but no more than usual since she is what the Sun calls a ‘relatively normal size 16 to 18’. She is also a Pop Idol wannabe.
And it’s this latter condition that has propelled her to a double-page spread in the Sun, something brought about by her singing talent and nothing to do with accommodating her bulk.
She just happens to be the TV show’s best singer in the opinion of the Sun’s readership, who voted in their tens to say that the ‘tubby’ Scots lass is their No.1, and very possibly Nos. 2 and 3.
At this point many will recall the name of Rik Waller, the Pop Idol hopeful from series one, who was championed by the Sun and now thanks to their efforts and his enormous bulk can be hired for kids’ parties (as a bouncy castle) at a second’s notice.
History tells us that Michelle has little chance of taking the real vote on final day, but she will surely be interested by the Star’s story on Gareth Gates.
Having denied a love affair with Jordan and undermined his status as Celebrity Stammerer by playing tapes of his talking between songs, Gates is now denying his Yorkshire roots.
The singer tells everyone he meets that he’s from London instead of his native Bradford. This, as the paper puts it, has caused nothing less than ‘outrage’ in the Republic.
Readers are forgiven for thinking that the Bradford locals have suffered enough, seeing how the paper elicits the views of the town’s other famous exports – Richard Whitely and Girls Aloud’s Kimberley Walsh.
Gates’ heinous act could be the blow that finally ruins the place.
But there is more news. Rumours are that Gates doesn’t defer to London at all but to a small colliery hamlet in mid-Wales called LLLLonddon.
Residents of that place are said to be delighted.’
Hard Lines
‘THE Express has tracked down the last remaining public football pitch in the British Isles and to its dismay found that the surface is unplayable.
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| Nothing that 400 tons of concrete wouldn’t sort out |
Sure, there is the customary layer of grass in regulation green and a spirit level attests to the turf’s flatness. But it’s a tad too hard.
Cambridgeshire City Council, which proudly owns the jewel in Britain’s Football For The Future scheme, says that the hot sun has baked the earth, making it very hard indeed.
‘It’s not an over-reaction,’ says a spokesman for the council, ‘it’s a child safety issue’.
It’s also a fair point. Paedophiles, as the paper has often told us, are everywhere, not just in showbiz circles and the police force but disguised as goalposts and piles of jumpers.
But this has little to do with hard grass. Our man in the council offices goes on. ‘Our grounds and maintenance contract agency has found the grass to be unusually rock hard,’ he says.
‘We’ve asked the schools to consider it and it’s up to individual schools what they do with the advice.’
Our advice is that they do what everyone else has done – tarmac it over and turn it into a car park.’
Deja Vu
‘THERES not much in it between watching EastEnders or David Blaine in his box for sheer boredom and repetition at the moment. The big story is that Lisa is back in Walford, turning up at Kate and Phils wedding to fight for custody of her daughter.
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| Walford’s answer to Annie Oakley |
The tabloids this week are full of pictures of Phils body lying on a pavement, riddled with bullet holes. So hes getting shot again? How original! Phil is set to leave The Square for a year soon so its a fairly safe bet that hes not going to put Lisa and us out of our misery.
Kate and Phils wedding went off smoothly after her father Geoff made his peace with Phil. Geoff wasnt best pleased at the idea of his daughter marrying into the Mitchells. This is a hell hole. The people are miserable animals, he told her, which seemed to come as news to Kate.
The reception was held in The Vic (where else?) and Lisa made her grand entrance just as Kate was throwing her bouquet. Lisa is being very cagey about where shes been for the last six months and how shes been earning her money. Im not surprised she seems to have come back as a transvestite.
Elsewhere in Walford/Groundhog Day, Nana Moon has gone loony (in a five-year-old storyline when Frank Butchers mum did exactly the same). Spencer and Alfie have decided they cant go on any longer with Nana thinking that the Vic is her front room and ordering people out and theyve agreed to get a doctor to see her.
Martin is stealing from the stall (again) to fund his drink and drugs lifestyle while Pauline witters on about wot a good boy er Martin is.
Andy is another person who needs to see a psychiatrist; hes become obsessed with Kat and is showering her and the entire Slater family with money and gifts. Kat has been pictured in the papers in a wedding dress and rumour has it shes set to walk up the aisle with Andy later this year.
Sonia had her own Groundhog Day when she witnessed a young man getting knocked over by a car. Unlike Jamie, however, he survived and she went to hospital to visit him as shed taken a bit of a fancy to him.
Unfortunately he informed her that he already had a girlfriend. Poor Sonia, she cant even get a date with someone suffering from serious concussion and without the use of his limbs.’
Carb Trouble
‘VICTIMS are everywhere.
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| Gail Porter (ACTUAL SIZE) |
Claire Sweeney is a victim. Our Claire is a victim of the intolerable strain put on high profile, talented women who want it all. And by celebrity osmosis, it’s affected Claire, too.
She, like you, read the work of the shadowy Dr Atkins, became indoctrinated in his cult of slim thighs and pert buttocks and has suffered because of it.
Talking to the Mail through gritted teeth, Sweeney tells all. ‘I didn’t miss carbs that much,’ she says. ‘I think the hardest thing to give up was tea or coffee.’
For those over a certain age, carbs is not Sweeney’s pet cat or the character she used to play in Brookside but a shortened, gym-wise word for carbohydrates, those evil things that Dr Atkins wants to stamp out with a heavy metal boot.
Tea and coffee are drinks.
And there’s more. ‘After a short time on the diet, I suddenly collapsed. My temperature soared and I couldn’t stop shaking. I was bed-ridden and the doctor came to see me. I was diagnosed as having a kidney infection.’
That’s pretty tame stuff, and Gail Porter in the Mirror scoffs at Sweeney pathetic infection and throws her own anorexia into the hat.
Whereas celebs used to verbally joust over who came from the most deprived family and do battle with tales of breathtaking poverty, today’s breed compare illnesses or addictions.
So we hear Porter talk about her 10-year ‘fight’ with the wasting illness. We learn that Gail’s weight once dipped to 6st 7lbs, a low amount – but since she was only aged 10 at the time and no more than 3ft high, not really that bad.
And at the end of Gail’s confessional we also learn that Mel C, the former Sporty Spice Girl, has admitted to surviving on fruit and veg and exercising excessively.
‘I’m never going back there again,’ says she.
Not for all the tea in China – or for all the carbs in a Claire Sweeney…’
Butting Out
‘WHEREAS scientists used to invent new modes of transport and explanations for why you fancy your mum, they now put their minds to more challenging pursuits.
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| ‘Got any Ford Fiestas?’ |
After the recent discovery of a drug that makes fat people feel full-up, the Mirror casts an eye on the injection that helps smokers quit.
And because this wonder jab doesn’t contain a handy dose of liquefied nicotine or a purified Silk Cut, the Mirror considers it worthy of further investigation.
So it’s off to the University of Salford, where the British Association’s Festival of Science is in full swing.
Dragging itself away from the Parade Of The Brains and an exhibition of Petri dishes down the ages, the Mirror finds Dr Campbell, the man behind the new prototype injection.
He says that the jab will not put smokers off fags immediately, but will most likely alleviate symptoms associated with withdrawal, like depression.
The aim is to reduce the addictive hit from the cigarette, so dulling its satisfying qualities and making smoking less of a buzz.
Of course, some smokers will just pick up stronger fags, in a desperate bid to get the full toxic rush.
Before long people will be wrapping their lips around the exhaust of cars and breathing in the hot, sweet nectar.
And when Dr Campbell and his kind invent the car that runs on tobacco ash, that’ll be just dandy…’
Ono – Not Again
‘NEWS from Hollywood is that Gwyneth Paltrow is to play Yoko Ono in an upcoming biopic of the Japanese chanteuse and artiste.
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| ‘Imagine there’s no Coldplay…’ |
In readiness for her role, Gwyneth is dating the lead singer of a popular British beat combo – Chris Martin of Coldplay – and has persuaded her beau to let her sing on his band’s next recording.
The Sun hears a pal of the actress say: ‘Gwyneth can’t wait. She loves singing, it is almost as much of a love as acting is. We all tell her she has a great voice, but she still wants to take singing lessons so she’s just perfect.’
Some shock there for Chris, who, most likely, considers the willowy actress perfect already.
But back to business, and the news that the rest of Oxford’s Fab Four are concerned over the influence Paltrow is exerting over Martin.
And this is a situation that, as the paper rightly says, smacks of John Lennon and Yoko, whose relationship is blamed for bringing about the end of the Beatles.
And the beginning of vegetarianism…’
In The Ghetto
‘GHETTOES were never the nicest places, but they did at least keep people of a certain type in one place.
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| The house that Budgie built |
Modern ghettoes, like Surrey, function in much the same fashion.
The gates to the estates might be bigger, the grounds a little larger and the inmates tans a shade more permanent, but the effect is to keep the undesirables in, away from decent folk.
And the ghetto where Chris Evans, Grant Bovey and Anthea Turner already live is set to welcome a new resident. Point to the skies and say, Is it a bird? Is it a budgie? Is it a helicopter? to Sarah Fergie Ferguson, Duchess of Pork.
Sorry, force of habit. These days the good Duchess is a shade thinner than she was and, in keeping with her slimmed-down frame, shes got herself a slimmed-down house.
The Sun looks at Fergie Towers, otherwise known as Wareham House in Brook, Surrey, and says how it set her back at least £1m.
This is a real climb-down for the Princess, who intends to move into something of a shed when compared to the enormous 12-bedroom Sunninghill Park she shared with Prince Andrew.
But ever the optimist, the Mail lists the good things about the new pad the garden with a stream running through it, and the outdoor swimming pool.
Even if she gets over those water hazards, the house is surrounded by fields and woodlands, making any effort to return to decent society in London that bit harder.’
Gameshow theory
‘TV experts in the Express are of the opinion that if the show Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? is to survive it needs a young, sexy presenter.
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| ‘Who yer callin’ eyebrow?’ |
It might also need to be shown less often – its in its 14th series already and not be so interminably boring.
But in television land change for changes sake is always seen as a good thing. And the paper suggests two faces who will sex up the show Euan Blair and Alistair Campbell.
Only joking. The actual duo are Davina McCall and John Leslie. The latter is well used to answering questions under pressure, and has spun the Wheel of Fortune.
The former has a name that sounds like a sexy venereal disease and a voice that should save ITV, which broadcasts the show, any need of subtitles.
But favourite to be the shows new face, if indeed Chris Tarrant is to be replaced, is Cilla Black. And in preparation for her role, the Mail says that Cilla is getting a new face of her own.
Im gonna have my eyes done, says Cilla. Top and bottom lids. Bobby [the now deceased Mr Black] would have gone mad. Hed say, Who are you doing this for? And the answer is, for me. Hey listen, Im worth it.
The procedure is known as a brow lift – which should make Cilla high-brow, and thus ideally suited for asking questions to the needy, greedy and desperate on a TV show.
If not, she could always do Mastermind…’
Test Case
‘WHILE were on the theme of gameshows, heres a question for you.
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| Nine out of ten men would rather kill themselves than date Anne |
If your wife does better than you on a TV show, say, the BBCs Test The Nation, do you a) shake her by the hand and say Well done, luv?; b) shake her by the throat; or c) kill yourself?
Its a tough one. But to help you by way of a clue, the Mirror introduces the world to Brannon Brockbank, well, his ghost, since Mr Brockbank is now dead.
His wife Shirley takes up the story, as told at an inquest into his death.
He was cross because he got a lower score than me, and threw his note pad and pen across the room, said Shirley. He said he was thick, but I told him that people were clever in different ways, because he was very good at art.
And it turned out that Shirley was right – and her husband proved very adept in mixing a blend of painkillers and vodka and killing himself.
Which would have given him a good score, had suicide been part of the overall quiz…’
Kate Has Her Phil
‘PHILS decided to make a dishonest woman out of Kate by asking her to marrying him. And this being Soapland, only two weeks are needed from proposal to wedding day.
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| ‘Mashed or dauphinoise, I wonder’ |
Phils depressed as his only family members attending are Billy and Sam. Why does everyone leave me? he asked Sonia over a cheery conversation at Jamies grave. Call me naïve but putting people in comas, stealing their children and leaving them dangling off cliffs isnt the best way to ensure plenty of cards on your birthday.
As anyone whos picked up a tabloid in the past week will know, Lisa is set to return on Phils wedding day, determined to get Louise back. Unfortunately for both Phil and viewers, there arent many clifftops around in Walford.
Someone else who could do with being pushed off a very high cliff top is Martin Fowler, whos taken Janines title of Most Slappable Character.
After much pleading from Pauline, Derek agreed to pretend that it was him who grew the cannabis on the allotment. You dont know ow much this means to me, lied Martin, Ill never do anyfink like this again.
Perhaps its all the gear hed smoked but Martin seems to have developed a very short memory as that very evening he was on his mobile, making another drugs deal. Hopefully it wont be too long before he gets addicted to crack and tried to peel his own skin off.
Billys scam to rob Angies Den to pay back Charlie had the police fooled but not Walfords Number One Gangster, Andy. Andy has demanded hush money from Billy (presumably to pay for acting lessons).
Billy turned to the hardest person he knows to sort him out, someone who makes hardened Eastend men turn pale Kat Slater. Billy asked Kat to sort Andy out. God knows what Kat interpreted that to mean but Andys now sending her dozens of red roses.
Another working girl whos making quite an impression is Janine. Barry has fallen for her charms completely and is handing her wedges of cash to buy clothes and food. Unfortunately for her though, when Paul told her to suck Barry dry, she didnt realise he meant it quite so literally.’
It’s A Bust
‘DID the Government ‘sex up’ the dossier about Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction to persuade the British public of the need to go to war with Iraq?
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| ‘Where did I put my bicycle pump?’ |
Who cares? The big debate in this morning’s papers is not whether the claim that the Iraqi dictator could deploy chemical weapons in 45 minutes was real or fake.
It is the far more important question of which celebrity boobs are real or fake.
Following Geri Halliwell’s appearance in yesterday’s papers with a newly inflated chest, the Mirror casts an expert eye over some celebrity breasts and asks whether nature has received a helping hand.
Among the busts under the spotlight are those belonging to Britney Spears, Claire Sweeney, Tess Daly, Jennifer Ellison and Geri’s fellow Spice girl, Victoria Beckham.
Of the latter, author Kathy Lette once said: ‘Her boobs are so big that it’s not that she’s had breast implants. It’s more that her breasts have had a Posh implant.’
But still the Sun’s not sure, saying the debate is raging over whether she’s had an op or not.
However, Brookside babe Jennifer Ellison is very definitely in the surgically enhanced camp, despite her claims that her transformation from a B cup to a D cup is down to exercise and a natural filling-out process.
But what of Geri? ‘Predictably, her ‘people’ dismiss the suggestion,’ says the Mirror.
‘So is her return to a curvy 32E cup down to a miracle boosting gel, a healthier diet or just padded underwear?’
Or has she, as the photographs suggest, just stuck two huge watermelons up her jumper? We leave it to Lord Hutton to decide.’
Slim Shady
‘HOW soon a drama can become a crisis! Two days ago, Britney Spears dropped what looked like slimming pills out of her handbag as she arrived at Heathrow airport.
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| ‘I know I put them somewhere’ |
This morning, she wakes up to read a showbiz exclusive in the Express, entitled: ‘Britney Diet Pill Crisis.’
The nature of the crisis is hard to fathom, except that on GMTV yesterday the singer could not remember the episode.
‘Are you serious?’ she apparently asked reporter Rachel Harrison. ‘I don’t even have a bag. That’s like, that’s so funny.’
However, pictures in Wednesday’s Express clearly show Britney holding a bag and her ‘people’ were quick to provide an explanation.
‘It was probably just a misunderstanding,’ a spokesman says. ‘Of course, Britney owns a bag – she’s got hundreds of them.’
But the slimming pills? Another one, it seems, for Lord Hutton to sort out.’
Therefore Art Thou
‘ROMEO and Juliet were about the same age as puppy love runaways 15-year-old Ashley Lamprey and 12-year-old Natasha Phillips.
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| In shape, a lot bigger than an agate stone |
But one wonders whether Shakespeare’s play would have been the classic it is had the denouement taken place in a record shop in Milton Keynes rather than a graveside in Verona.
That was where the couple were found yesterday after running off together in a bid to prove to their parents that their holiday romance was the real thing.
It is admittedly less drastic – and rather less dramatic – than Ashley taking poison and Natasha stabbing herself to death.
But is seems to have the desired effect with both sets of parents telling the Mail that they would let the relationship continue.
‘I am really happy, glad it’s all over,’ said Natasha’s mum. ‘I am going to talk to Ashley’s mum, Karen, and we will work as a team so they don’t run off again.
‘We will try to treat them as young adults.’
Meanwhile, Ashley’s mum said: ‘Now I want to meet the girl who has stolen my son’s heart. I’ve spoken to her on the phone and she seems very nice.’
For never was a story of more joy/Than this of Natasha and her boy.’
Geri’s Bust-Up
‘HAVE you ever seen a fat smackhead? No, of course you haven’t. So reports this morning of a miracle fat-busting injection are hardly news in the drug-taking community.
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| Geri has always had her knockers |
What is news, however, is that this injection is legal and could, says the Sun, render the Atkins Diet and other eating regimes redundant within a few years.
The paper says that in tests fatties who had had the daily hormone jab ate 30% less than fatties who hadn’t.
It’s all to do with research which found that overweight people tend to suffer from a lack of PYY3-36, the hormone that signals when we are full up.
One (guinea) pig, 19-stone Andre Hugo, said he was eating less than half of his normal amount after the injection.
‘My friends and family were shocked as they are used to me enjoying my food,’ he says. ‘If this jab becomes freely available, I will be first in the queue.’
The image of thousands and thousands of fatties trying to wobble their way to the get to the front of the hospital queue is one we will leave you to chew over as you eat your breakfast.
However, what the fatties might find is that Geri Halliwell has beaten them all to it.
The ex-Spice Girl is on the front page of the Star, with a speech bubble from her mouth containing the words, ‘Stuff your Atkins diet’.
And the paper shows what it thinks of the controversial slimming regime, claiming that ‘the pop babe has got her boobs back and given her career a boost’ by dropping the high-protein diet.
The Mirror, however, wonders whether Geri’s fuller figure, on show during a shopping trip in London, is actually the result of a boob job.
‘All the recent pictures have shown her looking healthy and curvaceous,’ said one onlooker, ‘but her chest was one area which hadn’t bounced back.
‘At this rate, she’ll soon be rivalling Jordan.’
Despite strenuous denials from the artist formerly known as Ginger’s spokesman, the Express is also suspicious when it sees her shopping for new bras.
But perhaps there is a more obvious explanation – and Ms Halliwell is just getting into character for her part in the big screen version of the Viz cartoon…The Fat Slags.’
Watching The Box
‘AS if Big Brother wasn’t boring enough, we hear today that Sky One is planning to broadcast David Blaine’s 44 days in a glass box over the River Thames…LIVE.
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| David’s favourite trick was conjuring up a second Manon |
And Channel 4 will screen highlights of the six-week stunt in which the magicians will, er, sit in a box suspended from London Bridge.
What viewers expect to see is anyone’s guess, but one thing they won’t see is sex.
This morning, Blaine tells the Star that being apart from current lover, model Manon von Gerkan, will be the hardest part of the stunt.
‘I assume I will start losing my mind a couple of weeks into it,’ he says, ‘but the absence of girls will be the hardest part.’
With nothing else to do for six weeks, perhaps Blaine should take a copy of today’s Mirror into his box with him.
In it, he can read Part Two of the paper’s Sex Tips guide, in which a lesbian tells straight men how to become the perfect lover.
Lesson One: Sex is not just about your penis and dungarees are this year’s must-have item in the bedroom.’
Clash Of The Titans
”A MOTHER, her daughter and three friends all had their breasts enlarged on the same day. Some took bank loans. One defied her husband to do it.
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| A great loss to English literature |
‘Was it an act of independence…or deep insecurity?’
Or is it just an excuse for the Mail to plaster five large cleavages across its middle pages?
The Star needs no such excuse, just the news that our old friend Lucy Pinder is back on the beach and showing off her 34FF charms.
And there is more good news for Star readers – juicy Lucy has shelved plans to go to college to study for a degree in English in favour of a career in modelling.
‘This is a chance on a lifetime and I don’t want to miss it,’ she says.
Since Lucy was discovered soaking up the rays on Bournemouth beach earlier this summer, she has won countless fans, both male and female.
‘And,’ says the Star, ‘she discovered that one of her biggest admirers is glamour girl Jordan when the busty pair bumped into each other at a party.’
That is a collision that would have sent shock waves over many miles, but Lucy has nothing but praise for her silicone-enhanced admirer.
‘Meeting Jordan has been one of the high points so far,’ she said. ‘She is great fun and she was really warm and friendly towards me.
‘I really respect her for what she has done in her career.’
How could you not?’
The C-Plan Diet
‘YESTERDAY, oddball magician David Blaine introduced us to the Van Gogh diet, which involves losing weight by chopping an ear off.
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| ‘Let’s play Pass The Zantrex’ |
This morning, we learn about the Britney diet, which it seems involves snogging women twice her age and popping large quantities of diet pills.
The Star uncovered the sexy singer’s secret after a bottle of fat-burning pills fell out of the star’s handbag at Heathrow Airport.
‘Britney quickly tried to hide them,’ it says, ‘but onlookers recognised the distinctive blue bottle.’
How onlookers can recognise a bottle of Zantrex-3 from 10 paces we don’t know, but the Star tells us the drug is a huge-seller in the United States.
So is another slimming product, featured in the Mail – cocaine.
But instead of trumpeting its properties as an appetite suppressant, the Mail calls it a cancer which is tainting every part of our culture.
And to prove it, the paper sent reporters to lick the toilet seat in pubs and clubs up and down the country – and every one returned with a numb feeling on their tongue (and a wiry hair between their teeth).
But before pub toilets become full of fatties trying to get their chubby little hands on this slimming drug, we should point out that cocaine is illegal and licking toilets is a task that should be left to professionals.
Much better to turn to the Mirror’s ‘Better Than Atkins’ diet – at least until a ‘Better Than The Better Than Atkins’ diet comes along.’
Hanging Basket Case
‘IF you must spend your time marching to a Bolivian drum, don’t bother locking yourself in the toilets – the police have got much better things to do than bust you for shovelling cocaine up your nose.
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| Exhibit A |
Just ask South Yorkshire’s assistant chief constable Steve Chamberlain.
His recreational drug of choice is a 35-year-old blonde inspector, who just happens to be married to one of his sergeants.
Or at least it was until his wife Jane, mother of his two children, turned detective and drove up to the country cottage where her husband stayed during the week.
‘Jane was shocked when she peered in through the window,’ the Sun says, ‘and saw the place strewn with make-up and clothes belonging to blonde inspector Helen Chapman.
‘The fuming wife – who had herself been used to staying at the cottage on trips to visit her husband – GRABBED a hanging basket put up by Helen as evidence.’
Inspector Chapman denies any wrongdoing, saying that both her and the assistant chief constable were estranged from their spouses.
‘Mrs Chamberlain came here and took my hanging basket,’ she said, ‘and from the legal point of view that amounted to theft.’
Mrs Chamberlain is now suing for divorce, claiming unreasonable behaviour on the part of her husband of eight years.
Mrs Chapman and her husband Alan are also negotiating a divorce after 11 years of marriage.
As for the hanging basket, we are glad to hear from Helen that ‘it’s back on the wall where it belongs’.’
La Dolce Vita
‘SOUTH Yorkshires finest are at least doing better than Hollywood hunk George Clooney, who is this morning moaning that he cant find a girlfriend.
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| ‘Oooooh, George!’ |
The 42-year-old heartthrob pours his heart out to Vanity Fair and the Star happily eavesdrops on the conversation.
Georges problem, it seems, is not a lack of blonde inspectors willing to take down his details, but a surfeit of them.
The former ER star says even in Italy, where he spends half the year in his £5m villa on Lake Como, he gets mobbed by lust-crazed fans every time he goes out.
That kind of frenzy you have to be really up for it, he says. Dinner out is an ordeal.
‘Ive literally gone out to dinner and a girl comes over to the table and says Can I have a kiss? I go back to the house and the photograph is on TV. Its hysterical.
But its not just obsessed fans that are stopping George living la dolce vita he cant speak the lingo.
I knew I was in trouble during a phone conversation, he says of one Italian girlfriend. Shed just say Oh, George and Id just say Ohhh, you.
It may be frustrating, but plenty of couples have got together with an even smaller vocabulary just look at David and Victoria Beckham.’
