The Daily Express is no fan of the European Union. Fair enough. Most of us aren’t. But the Express made a few reporting errors it now regrets. On 20 May 2016 the paper published “Amazing things we get back if we leave EU”.
Amazing. And wrong. The paper of record now says sorry.
The gallery was formed of 11 images. Each image carried a caption. The captions for images 3 (eggs), 5 (jam), 6 (water) & 9 (swedes) were inaccurate. In the case of caption 3 (eggs), the caption claimed that “A dozen eggs: In 2010 the EU said that food could not be sold by number but by weight”. In 2010 the European Union was considering legislation governing food labelling. In June 2010 Renata Sommer the MEP responsible for steering the legislation confirmed ‘There will be no changes to selling food by numbers”. In fact a consumer who purchased eggs in the UK would be able to do so by number. Caption 3 (eggs) was therefore incorrect. Given that 4 of the 11 captions were incorrect this gallery has been deleted.
Is Arsenal Wenger going to sign a new contract and extend his tenure as Arsenal manager? The BBC leads with that AFC Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe is “well-placed to replace Arsene Wenger at Arsenal”.
The Daily Mirror agrees. It says “Eddie Howe touted as possible Arsene Wenger replacement?”
The Mirror and BBC’s source is the Daily Star.
In an “EXCLUSIVE” David Woods says “Arsenal earmark Englishman as potential Arsene Wenger replacement”. Arsenal fans should be pleased. Howe is erudite, young, talented, a winner and a fast learner. But on what is the story of Howe to Arsenal based? What is Woods’ evidence that Howe is in line to replace Wenger? Is it just an educated guess?
Wenger has been at Arsenal for 20 years and is entering the final 12-months of his current contract. Although there is no suggestion he is heading for the chop immediately, Starsport can reveal the Gunners board would not have stood in Wenger’s way if he had wanted to take over as England boss next summer, as the FA had originally wanted.
Would. If. Not many facts there.
England never did go for Wenger. The FA never did wait a year for him to leave Arsenal, as the Star reported they would do.
Woods adds:
It’s a clear signal that Arsenal are now preparing for life after the 66-year-old.
Wenger is 66. Of course Arsenal are preparing for life after the man has left. Wenger is in the final year of his current deal. They would be mad not to have a plan. Just look at what happened to Manchester United when Ferguson left.
And Arsenal have advance warning. The Mirror “set the date” of Wenger’s leaving, telling us in January 2016 that the Frenchman will leave the Gunners on June 30 2017:
There is not a single fact to support the story of Howe to Arsenal. The Press are as clueless about what Arsenal will do after Wenger as they were when the Gunners hired the man. Back in 1996, Johan Cruyff was the favourite to replace Bruce Ricoh.
As Nick Hornby put it:
“I remember when Bruce Rioch was sacked, one of the papers had three or four names. It was Terry Venables, Johan Cruyff and then, at the end, Arsène Wenger. I remember thinking as a fan, I bet it’s fucking Arsène Wenger, because I haven’t heard of him and I’ve heard of the other two. Trust Arsenal to appoint the boring one that you haven’t heard of.”
The Daily Express brings news of a new poll: “98 per cent say NO to EU deal.”
98% of whom?
A NEW Daily Express online poll has revealed that 98 per cent of respondents…
So 98% of people who read the Brexit-supporting Daily Express want out now. Were the other 2% Daily Mirror readers looking to corrupt the perfect score?
3,548 people – want the historic Brexit vote to be enacted now instead of Britain being embroiled in months or years of talks with Brussels bureaucrats.
As it happens, Anorak agrees. We want Article 50 triggered now. The waiting smalls funny. So. Read all about it: 100% of Anorak readers want Brexit. No need to vote. You already did.
The Daily Mail has a new cancer scare story. The headline suggests that dads give their children cancer. No, not through their genes, rather through their guts:
Junk food-loving fathers raise their future daughters’ risk of breast cancer
Paul Pogba Watch: Six days since the Daily Mirror stated that Manchester United had “signed” Paul Pogba, we read on Sky Sports:
Manchester United transfer rumours: Paul Pogba deal – on or off?
So much for United having “clinched” Pogba, as the Mirror told us. Sky hasn’t a clue. It asks: “Which are the most credible Manchester United transfer rumours right now?”
None of them, which is they they are rumours. None of them are credible.
Daily Star balls
Sky then says only United are in for Pogba, which sounds absurd. Are they bidding against themselves?
It is understood Juventus have now accepted Pogba wants to leave the club, although the cost of the deal has already priced Real Madrid out of the market.
It is all laughable. Indeed, Paul Pogba and his agent Mino Raiola are laughing themselves silly.
The Mirror sees that photo are conjures the news:
Pogba is close to completing his £100million transfer to United but has kept tight-lipped over his future despite posting a cryptic post on Instagram
Got that? According to the Mirror, Pogba is now talking in codes via Instagram. What can it all mean? He and his agent are laughing in Miami. The soon-to-be stinking rich player and his soon-to-even-richer agent are laughing.
AS says Raiola is looking at a €20m commission from any sale. The Spanish paper also says Pogba is waiting for Real Madrid to make their move.
Vacations in Palm Island, Miami, United States. A 7,758 kilometers from Turin, on an artificial island of Key Biscayne where the famous mobster Al Capone lived his last days in a luxurious mansion of 2,800 square meters, Pogba hung yesterday a photo in bathing suit with his agent, Mino Raiola, and a message: “we say everything without saying anything. Holidays”.
The Indy says Paul Pogba’s move to Manchester United is nothing to do with Pogba’s “dream” to play for Real. It’s being held by a disagreement over who pays Mino Raiola’s £25m agent fee, according to the Sun.
United and Raiola are happy for both clubs to pay £12.5m. But Juve refuse to pay Raiola a penny from the money they will get from United for Pog, 23.
Raiola is laughing. Pogba is laughing. United are desperate and sweating. The Press are clueless.
Paul Pogba Watch: It’s been five days since the Daily Mirror reported that Manchester United had “clinched” Paul Pogba. Five days on from that scoop, the Guardian writes:
Juventus tell United to add another €10m to their €120m bid for Paul Pogba
As the Mirror redefines “clinched”, the rest of us realise that Pogba has not left Juventus. We might also wonder if the French player is waiting for Real Madrid to make their move. Not so, says the Guardian:
Paul Pogba is keen to return to Manchester United despite them not being in the Champions League… Juve are seeking an additional €10m and have informed United that their €95m signing of Gonzalo Higuaín from Napoli does not mean they will be forced to sell Pogba.
There are no guarantees. And the Guardian now says “if the transfer takes place” not ‘when’ it will.
It’s fitting to end this Transfer Balls update with a look at what the trusty Mirror are reporting.
It is understood United have agree personal terms worth £250,000-a-week to re-sign the player they let leave for just £800,000 four years ago… Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho is hoping Ed Woodward will get the
This is what the Mirror said last week:
Such are the facts.
PS: Higuain to Juve. No. The Sun told us he plays for Arsenal.
It’s been two days since the Mirror newspaper reported that Paul Pogba had signed for Manchester United. Today the BBC reports that Man United are “keen to sign” Paul Pogba.
Mourinho said of Pogba:
“We set four targets for us, we got three of them and we are going to get the fourth… Everybody speaks about one, but it wouldn’t be a surprise for me if it is not him and it is another one because we went for profile.”
The Telegraph says Pogba to United is just a “rumour”.
“Paul Pogba believes he is heading back to Old Trafford, according to reports,” says the Star.
The Express says “Jose Mourinho to pull plug on deal if Juventus continue to stall.”
A quick reminder, then, of what the Mirror stated:
No. They haven’t. As the Mirror says today, the deal to sign Pogba has not been done:
Mino Raiola, agent Pogba, denied yesterday on Twitter that Manchester United have completed the signing of French after Italy leave all the covers wearing his player Red Devil: “There is no closed Pogba agreement, much blah, BLA bla…”.
The Daily Pogba: an at-a-glance look at news of Juventus and Franc footballer Paul Pogba, wanted by Manchester United.
The Daily Star says Manchester United have bid £85m for Pogba. It’s not enough. Juventus have snubbed “Jose’s offer”. The idea that United manager Jose Mourinho has any say in how much the club should pay for the player is fanciful. United is run by the Glazer family from a shopping mall in the USA. They do the business.
The Guardian says the opening offer is not £85m, but £100m. And it’s not yet been made. The Guardian appears to be acting as a negotiator, adding: United are expected to make an opening bid of £100m with £13m of that performance-related add-ons.”
The Mirror also trumps the Star. Pogba is the paper’s “£100m man”. But it agrees with the Star that the money is Mourinho’s. According to both papers it is the manager not the Glazers who will make Pogba the world’s costliest player.
The Sun, having told us Pogba joined United for £105m last weekend, focuses on the player’s private life.
Today the Sun’s Phil Cadden reports: “MIAMI VICE Paul Pogba pictured smoking E-cigarette while on holiday with Romelu Lukaku in Miami.”
“These snaps of the £105million Manchester United target will have Jose Mourinho fuming,” writes Cadden of the player he told us had already joined United and is now reduced to a “target”. He adds: “Pogba, who met up with Everton’s Romelu Lukaku, is wanted by United and Real Madrid.”
Ah, yes, Real Madrid. AS (Spain) says Pogba has been using his clothes to speak of his desire to play for Real. Below the headline “Pogba’s little message to Real Madrid? He is ‘all in white'”, the Spanish tabloid reports:
Pogba posted a photo on Instagram, along with the words “all in white”, which of course set off speculation, some of it fevered, that this was a clear wink to Real Madrid, who of course play in all white…
Footballers are always hinting at things. Long gone are the plain-speaking days when they’d tell you to ‘f*ck off”. Nowadays it’s all subtlety and codes. From Everton to Manchester City and Barcelona, footballers are holing their hands over their mouth and giving it the eyes.
The Metro says “Neymar’s sister hints at Barcelona exit with cryptic Instagram post.” Neymar’s sister doesn’t play for Barcelona, but player power is high and if the Brazilian player made his sister’s inclusion in the side a condition of his patronage, would we be surprised?
Neymar’s sister, Rafaelle, hinted at a huge transfer by “uploading a picture of a train carriage with the caption: ‘I hope you’re going to a place that makes you happy.’”
Hints. They look a lot like bollocks.
The Sun spots another hint. Everton’s John Stones could be off to Manchester City. “Everton ace hints deal to join Pep Guardiola is close as he crosses M62 for shopping spree,” says the paper.
Stones’ hint involves walking about Manchester with “long-term partner Millie Savage” – “Stones looked extremely relaxed as he marched around with a number of bags including one from Dior.” Nothing relaxes the mind like a good march to Dior.
Stones to Manchester City it is, then. We have peered into the crystal balls Dior bags and seen the future.
And so begins the break-up of the Leicester City team that one with Premier League. The Telegraph says Chelsea have agreed to sign Leicester midfielder N’Golo Kante, 25, at the weekend for £29m. Kante, we read, will soon tell Foxes manager Claudio Ranieri he wants to leave Leicester.
Of course nothing has been decided. Kante has signed no contract.
Jamie Vardy, Kante’s Leicester team-mate rejected a £20m move to Arsenal and committed to Leicester earlier this summer. Or did he?
The Express told readers on June 7, “Jamie Vardy verbally agrees three-year Arsenal deal”.
Today the Express says, “Arsenal have already missed out on Jamie Vardy, who has verbally agreed a new contract with Leicester.”
Verbal agreements appear to be no agreements at all. Can we deduce from the news that Vardy to Arsenal remains on?
Arsenal are under “threat”. In an “exclusive”, the Mail’s Charles Sale thunders beneath the headline “THIERRY THREAT” that Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has delivered an “extraordinary ultimatum”. He has “ruled” that Henry must leave his punditry role at Sky Sports if he wants to be an Arsenal coach.
Wenger “feels his fellow Frenchman cannot work within the club during the week and then criticise their players at the weekend”. Well, quite. That seems obvious. Henry has been highly critical of Olivier Giroud, the Arsenal and France striker.
But then Sale says Wenger is “hypocritical” because he worked as a pundit for beIN Sport during Euro 2016. That job ends when the season begins. Henry’s job just gets going.
Former England footballer Paul Gascoigne has triggered “fears”. The Sun shows a picture of Gazza and says, “There were new fears for Paul Gascoigne last night after he accidentally exposed himself in the street.”
What street? Who was watching or, rather, being exposed to? What did he expose, accidentally?
All will be revealed soon enough.
For now, we’re grateful the Sun is here to help Gascoigne and relay news of his latest humiliation, sorry, suffering to us. To recap: Gazza, as he is known, is not dead. In 2008 the no less caring Daily Star reported beneath the headline “Gazza dead and gone for good”: “FUN-LOVING football legend Paul Gascoigne is ‘dead’, his TV star stepdaughter Bianca revealed last night.”
They were wrong. “The former England star is seriously ill with depression, and Bianca admits his family is powerless to help him,” the Star continued. Gascoigne was not dead then. He remains not dead now.
Today we see a photo of Gascoigne in a dressing gown. A generous black triangle hangs over his crotch. The paper reports:
The football icon heading to buy booze in only a dressing gown stumbled barefooted from his flat with a bent cigarette hanging from his lips. Slurring his words, Gazza, 49, climbed into a taxi before returning with a bottle of gin, cigs and painkillers. As he stepped out of the cab his gown fell open revealing he was naked underneath.
Again, let’s recap: man comes out of his home; a passing photographer takes the trouble to take pictures of him and alert the Sun newspaper; the Sun publishes the pictures in the hope Gascoigne can be helped.
The paper says a photo it published in March of Gazza’s bruised face “made him realise how low he had sunk”. Gascoigne “admitted” this when he appeared on Good Morning Britain (see below). It’s not about gawping at a man with issues and exploiting him to sell pictures and papers. It’s about caring.
Here’s Gascoigne thanking the press on GMB after the Sun published that photo of his face after a “drunken fall”:
Rub your eyes Arsenal fans. The Telegraph says Arsenal are planning to gazump Chelsea and bid – get this – £65m for Real Madrid’s Alvaro Morata.
The Sun tells us Arsenal will offer Morata £144,000-a-week, making him their third highest paid player behind Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez.
The Daily Mirror says Morata to Arsenal is very much on because the player wants Champions’ League football, something Chelsea can’t offer.
But would Arsenal really bid such a huge sum for a talented but far from sensational player? The Tele says Chelsea are “more than willing to pay that price”. The Blues want to stick Morata up front with new boy Michy Batshuayi. But Morata “would rather move to the Emirates than Stamford Bridge”.
The Standard says Arsenal are offering too much. “Chelsea bid £51m for Alvaro Morata,” says the London free paper.
The Indy says Morata to Arsenal is on. But in case it isn’t, the paper of record names NINE other strikers who could join Arsenal. The list is a sensation, featuring, as it does, Brazilian superstar Neymar. Neymar to Arsenal! That would be the same Neymar of whom the Indy wrote on July 1 this year:
Neymar’s contract with Barcelona has been extended until 2021… The announcement ended speculation that Neymar was unhappy in Spain and was looking to move to another club.
It did – unless the Indy has to find 10 names for a dire story on Arsenal strikers.
Of course, there is balls and there is utter balls. We’ll leave you with the news from 2014 that Morata already plays for Arsenal:
Transfer balls (with the Daily Paul Pogba) brings facts from Spain’sAS: Manchester United have agreed to pay Paul Pogba £11m a year and will table a £100m offer to Juventus for the France midfielder.
It only seems like yesterday (it was – ed) the media was telling readers Pogba to Man united was a”agreed”.
Today’sSun on Sundayreports that to fund Pogba’s purchase, Manchester United manager will sell Marcos Rojo, Morgan Schneiderlin, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Juan Mata and four others.
The Sunday Express says Mata will head to Everton for £20m. The Sunday Peoplesays Mata will head to Juventus as part payment for Pogba.
Mata says nothing.
PS: If Pogba does join United for £100m, the player’s agent Mino Raiola stands to pocket around a quarter of it, says theSunday Times.
“Body of German Maddie is found,” says the Daily Star on its page 7. The so-dubbed “German Maddie” is a “missing girl who looked like Madeleine McCann”. How grim. A dead child called Peggy Knobloch – yep, she had a name of her own – is recast as another person. Worst yet, Peggy vanished from her home in May 2001 – six years before Madeleine McCann went missing. Before Madeleine McCann – the Star’s ‘Our Maddie’ – had been born.
Peggy Knobloch was nine and making her way home from school when she vanished.
The Mail says Peggy Knobloch is “considered ‘the German Madeleine McCann'”. The Sun says she is the “German Maddie”. The Mirror calls her the “German ‘Madeleine McCann'”.
Madeleine McCann was four when she vanished. She was on holiday in Portugal.
As papers browse old missing person’s files for other blonde children they can rebrand as “[insert location here] Maddie”, we read that a man was jailed for life in 2004 for telling police he had sexually abused Peggy and killed her. After 10 years in a secure hospital, the man withdrew his confession and was released.
He wasn’t in Portugal in 2007.
The link between Peggy Knobloch and Madeleine McCann exists only in the pages of the febrile Press, wherein blonde children are always news.
The Mirror, however, produces a tasteless clickbait-style “Five reasons why ‘German Maddie’s’ disappearance 15 years ago is strikingly similar to the McCann case”. Writes Sophie Evans as “REASON 1”:
Peggy had blonde hair – just like Madeleine. The German youngster also had bright blue eyes, while Madeleine has ‘blue and green eyes’.
Will the Mirror see spooky similarities when black or Asian children go missing in Portugal, the UK, Germany or beyond? Or does the Mirror save its biggest scoops for blondes?
And why else is Peggy in the news? The Indy says the “remains of ‘German Madeleine McCann'” were found in woods after a 15-year search. The thinking is that a wild animal dug up her body, which was found by a man out looking for mushrooms. The paper adds”: “At the time it was presumed she had been kidnapped and murdered, although police will now be able to launch a full investigation into the circumstances surrounding her death.”
A body helps a missing person story reach a conclusion.
It’s war between Jose Mourinho’s Manchester United and Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City. Guardiola has “come out fighting” in “the Clash of the Titans with Jose Mourinho”. So says the Sun. In a first fight, I’d go with Guardiola, a former athlete who has the height, reach and stamina on the shorter Mourinho, who could counter with a low blow, the sneaky finger in the eye and a hissy fit. But never mind the physical stuff because Pep has started “mind games”. He has made his “first dig at Jose”.
What did the new City manager says? Well, get his: “In England the most important thing is football. The people don’t come to see the manager.” Ouch! That’ll sting Mourinho, who thinks they do. “There is Klopp, Conte, Ranieri, Mourinho, Pochettino. Koeman but the reason I work here is just to help the players.”
“EN GUARD,” puns the Sun, the French twist making us notice that the Spaniard never name-checked Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger. That first dig at Mourinho looks like a first dig at Wenger.
In any case, it’s war. Or as the Express and Star put it, it’s peace in our time:
Andy Walker is the FA’s “Communications Chief”, says the Sun. Walker has, in his own words, “harnessed a passion for social media to become a specialist within this field”. So good at social media is Andy that when he posted on Linked In a picture of his personalised head rest aboard a private jet charactered by the FA for the Euros, the Sun noticed the “fans’ fury”.
In a front-page story “ENGLAND Shame – Off With Their Head Rests”, readers are told: “Fan Mark Elgar accused the PR boss of an own goal while Julian Jackson called the FA ‘a bunch of f****** losers’.”
The Mail adds: “Walker uploaded the cringe-worthy post while England midfielder Dele Ali was pictured celebrating on party island Ibiza days after the team’s exit from the competition.”
It all reminds us of Max Clifford:
The Birmingham Mail, where Walker used to work, sticks up for him.
…the Sun’s criticism of him is as wide of the mark as a Kane free-kick, as misplaced as a Wayne Rooney pass and as flaky as a Joe Hart save. If England’s playing squad had done their jobs as well as Andy does his then the England party would still be in France.
The “England party” is an unfortunate phrase given the allegation that it was all one big jolly.
The paper finds no room for the brickbats, but does produce a story fragrant with bouquets:
To say Walker epitomises “everything wrong with English football”, as one fan quoted in the Sun puts it, is pushing it. Everything wrong with English football is reflected in the score lines when England lost to Iceland, drew with a dreadful Russia team and failed to score against the mighty Slovakia. The job of the FA’s communications manager is easy so long as the team win. When they lose, they need to earn their gravy…
Outrage in the Daily Star over the England players on holiday in Ibiza. Wayne Rooney and Deli Ali are holidaying on the Spanish island. The Star has a thing about Ibiza. It was upset last week when England player Kyle Walker told glamour mo-del and habitual tabloid tittle-tattler Carla Howe, via a tweet from the England camp, that he wished he was in Ibiza.
As the Star pitches for the Ibiza tourist board schilling, we read that “holidaymaker Emma Hussein of Bognor Regis “couldn’t believe it when Wayne and Colleen strolled in “to the Blue Marlin Beach Club.”
But the best line is with the Star’s reporter who tells readers: “Three-Lions teammate Alli was close by, frolicking in the water in knee-length trunks with bikini clad beauties who were drinking champaign.”
Knee-Length shorts! The dirty, bastar… “He relaxed and joked with pals before going for a dip in the sea – despite still wearing his sunglasses.”
As one voice states: “It sums of everything that’s wrong with English footballers these days.”
Back in the good olds days, English footballer worse proper over-the-knee shorts.
England Kevin Keegan in trusty British over-the-knee shorts
Wales, the last British side left in the European Championships, are into the semi-finals. Last night the Welsh were magnificent, beating a fancied Belgian side 3-1. It was a performance versed in cohesion, grit, skill and guile. I am delighted. Full disclosure: I am Welsh, having once spent a week camping in the Brecon Beacons with school and consider Ivor the Engine a role model. We can all agree that that makes me Welsh. Send in your own Welsh heritage stories.
Transfer Balls favourite Argentina striker Gonzalo Higuain, 28, will not be renewing his contract with Napoli, reports Spain’s Radio Continental. We know, of course, that Higuain plays for Arsenal. The Sun reported Higuain signed for the Gunners in 2013.
He never did, of course. The Sun was wrong.
So is Higuain leaving Napoli for the Premier League?
“There was talk of a project worthy of the Champions League, a convincing plan to fight for the Scudetto,” says Higuain’s agent and brother.”
The agent then dangles a large carrot:
“I don’t need to talk with the Parisian club about my brother, if PSG want him they should call [Napoli chairman] De Laurentiis.”
The Expresssays this puts Liverpool and Chelsea “on alert”.
But what of Manchester United? On March 16, the Metro declared: “Gonzalo Higuain agrees Manchester United.” One day later the Express added: “JOSE MOURINHO has personally agreed a deal to bring Gonzalo Higuain to Manchester United if he becomes manager.”
On May 30, the Metro changed its mind: “Napoli striker Gonzalo Higuain is keen to sign for Liverpool.” The Sun agreed. On June 7, it reported: “Liverpool set to seal mega-money deal for Napoli’s goal-scoring hero Gonzalo Higuain.”
Who will replace Roy Hodgson as the next manager of England and with it the right to hand a top athlete a stuffed lion mascot and order him to take good care of it? Will England take a risk? Will England finally get a real lion, or three of them, as the job surely demands?
The Daily Star says the FA want Arsenal manger Arsene Wenger to lead them forward. Wenger has all the right attributes: he’s foreign, old, grey and from an era more au fait with buttons than trendy zips. The man who turned Arsenal into an attractive force in European football will surely jump at the chance to earn half the money and have his work picked apart by three ex-payers sat around a televised novelty table.
The Mirror says the man for the job is Gareth Southgate. As coach of the England Under 21s, Southgate could slip into the role virtually unnoticed. Southgate is the man who determined the FA’s “England DNA” philosophy. For you non-scientists, DNA stands for Do Not Attack.
Jamie Carragher says the right man is US coach Jurgen Klinsmann. He tells Daily Mailreaders Klinsmann “has been to a World Cup semi-final with Germany, a Copa America semi-final with the United States and knows our game.” Although what England’s game is should not take long to explain to anyone.
The Standards helpfully reduces the FA list by claiming England players “fear” Roberto Martinez will be offered the job. Why they fear the former Everton manger, we’re not told. They just do.
The smart move would be to go back to the future and hire the Glenn Hoddle / Steve McClaren dream team. Hoddle used his nous to point out that Slovakia’s Marek Hamsik is “two-footed — left and right”. With his insight and McLaren’s passion, England cannot fail. Looks like we’ve found those other two lions.
In a poll more loaded than George Bush at a frat house party, the Daily Express finds that 80% want Boris Johnson to be the next Prime Minister. And 80% are “convinced” Boris will be PM. It is front-page news. As ever in the Express, who responded is not revealed. And at 35p per text vote, you wonder at the sanity of three or four people who did.
The Mail ignores Boris. On pages 8 and 9 it says 8 Tories are fighting to be the PM. Not quite. They are considering standing for election to be the Conservative Party leader. They can then be Prime Minister by default – as Gordon Brown was – or call a General Election, which they should do. We live in the age of the cult of personality. We demand to know our new leader by way of the popular vote and dull TV debates.
The Mail says Boris Jonson and Teresa May are the favourites to win. But Remainers are creating a “stop Boris” campaign. So May it is, then.
Or not. Poverty plate coloniser Jamie Oliver says he will leave the country if Boris is made PM. Vote now. Vote often! Wonder if Jamie will go to live in the EU zone, somewhere in deep raw-food friendly rural Romania? Nah. They always go to America.
The Sun leads with news that to “blue-collar” Tories are plotting a “class war” leadership bid. Steven Crabb and Sajid Javid are in cahoots to undo Boris. This is a “blow” to Boris. But by page 6 it is all go for “Bogo”.
In the Mirror, Boris Johnson is the “political pygmy”. The man twice-elected Labour mayor who led the successful Leave campaign is also called “blundering”. On page 10, Boris is in “hiding”. He wasn’t at the Commons for a post-Brexit slanging match. the Mirror says this makes him “selfish”, “cowardly”, “jaundiced”, “grotesquely rude”, “a charlatan” and a “chiseller”.
Having missed out on Jamie Vardy, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has turned to Lyon striker Alexandre Lacazette. The Sun says the £45m-rated 25-year-old has scored 72 goals in 172 appearances for Lyon.
Will Arsenal get him?
The paper says West Ham, who launched two failed bids for the player, “believe” the forward is “already destined to join French champs PSG”. You can believe is density up until the very next line because the Sun adds that Champions League runners-up Atletico Madrid are also interested.
The British Press love Lacazette. In 2015, the Express said he was “set for £21million Liverpool move”. In January 2016, the Mail said Lacazette “snubbed” Newcastle’s £22 bid. The Mail said Chelsea wanted the player. In June 20-15, the Star thundered: “Arsenal and Man Utd target Alexandre Lacazette AGREES shock five-year deal to join PSG.” In April 2016, the Mirror said Tottenham were “leading the chase” for Lacazette.
The Mirror talks of the “Brexit Crisis”. The OED says a crisis is “a time of intense difficulty or danger”. Do you feel more endangered than you did before the EU referendum? Jeremy Corbyn does. The Mirror says he is in a “battle to remain”. He faces a “coup” as 11 members quit his shadow cabinet after Labour voters continued to desert the party and he sacked “disloyal” shadow cabinet minister Hilary Benn, one the hereditary Labour hierarchy.
The Mirror hears from the stayers and the leavers.
Emily Thornberry, last seen joining the liberal elite in mocking the white working classliving in what one Mirror writer called “white man’s gulch“, says the Leavers have “no plan and no clue as to what happens next”. She says Labour can help by listening to “Labour supporters throughout the country who decided to vote Leave”. Emily, they are not Labour supporters by definition. You suppose too much. Emily says the Tory party is “tearing itself apart”. She says Labour can be the unifying force. And Labour can do this under Jeremy Corbyn.
On the other side is Stephen Kinnock, one of the hereditary Labour hierarchy. Kinnock says “this is the biggest peace-time crisis since the Second World War”. Kinnock says Corbyn lacks the knowledge of Europe to negotiate with the EU. Kinnock says “Jeremy received an unprecedented mandate from our members last year”. Yep, they voted for him. So, Kinnock, a true Europhile, says the will of the people doesn’t matter. Just get rid.
On Page 6, the Mirror says there has been a “surge” in Scotland for a “Scots breakaway”. Right now 54% of Scots are “for” an independent Scotland – 46% are against. In 2014, 55% of Scots voted to remain in the United Kingdom. Nicola didn’t like the result so she wants another referendum. If the result goes the other way, as the Mirror’s poll suggests it will, will the losers under Ruth Davidson do a Nicola and demand another referendum? The Guardian says “Ruth Davidson is the Tory who stands between Scotland and independence.” She’s a formidable sight.
On page 8, the Mirror’s Kevin Maguire thinks a second EU Referendum would be good idea. that, he says, could fix the “gangrenous, gaping national wound”. Kevin backed the losers.
The Daily Star leads with a neat pun: “Corb faces Jexit.” Corbyn is a “red man walking”.
On Page 9, the Star outlines the Brexit plan. Emily Thornberry may care to read it.
The Sun leads with news that Michael Gove is backing “tennis-loving” Boris Johnson to lead the Tories. The Sun mentions Johnson’s love of tennis in the second paragraph. Why? Is the Sun massively popular among tennis fans? The Tories are, of course. Tennis clubs are havens for solid Conservative supporters, as well as adulterers, sex maniacs and alcoholics who find golf too taxing. Doubt that? Just cop a load of Bozza’s bat.
Tom Newton-Dunn tells readers on Page 5 that one Tory has referred to Westminster as “a cluster of goat fuck with knobs on”. Can we get that in Latin and put it over the door?
On Page 7, readers see a picture of deputy Labour leader Tom Watson at a silent disco at Glastonbury. He’s dancing to his own tune that no-one else is listening to. Yeah, really.
The Daily Express tells readers, “Don’t panic! Why Brexit will be a breeze.” Passports, the pound, mortgages, savings, pensions and travel are all going to be sorted just fine. Crisis. What crisis? And one other thing: a butcher is now selling sausages in pounds and ounces. Metric is out! Imperial measures are in!
And so the the Mail, the paper that if any can claim it won it, won it. News is of a “plot to block Brexit”. Tony Blair, Nicola Sturgeon, a “senior German” and pro-Remain MPs plan to scupper Brexit. How? They hope there will be a general election before the formal process of quitting begins. Tony says there could be a second referendum. Nicola says the Edinburgh parliament could block Brexit. They hope the majority who wanted out will see that their voices are still not being listening to and vote in? Do we keep voting until we give the elites the answer they demand?
Over Pages 4 and 5, the Mail tells of “the day Labour imploded”.
On Page 6, we learn that Theresa May wants to beat Boris Johnson to the top Tory job. And on Page 11, George Osborne “breaks over to claim the City”.
Politics is big news. and the best bit is you can vote anyone you don’t like out at an election. Isn’t democracy great.
