Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Trial Separation
‘IT has long been said that any two people on the planet can be connected in six steps – the so-called six degrees of separation.
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| ”And I’ve had that Kevin Bacon” |
And now scientists have proved that that really is the case – by the power of e-mail.
Researchers at Columbia University asked computer users to contact a named individual somewhere else in the world within as few e-mails as possible.
The original user would therefore e-mail a contact more likely to know the target and that person would do likewise until the mail eventually reached its destination.
To test the theory, the Mail sets itself the difficult task of linking Louise Griffiths, Fame Academy hopeful and girlfriend of racing driver Jenson Button, with David Beckham.
Lo and behold, Button’s former team manager is Flavio Briatore, who used to date Naomi Campbell, who is a friend of Nelson Mandela, who met Beckham on England’s tour of South Africa earlier this year.
Not all chains are so straightforward – for instance, Bruce from Eastbourne was asked to get in contact with Olga at Novosibirsk University in Siberia.
Others are much more straightforward – scientists, for instance, are currently testing the theory that Ulrika Jonsson can be linked with every male on the planet in just one step.
‘
Aisle Be Damned
‘WE all knew far more than we ever wanted to know about John Leslie and Abi Titmuss days ago, but the Express is determined to flog the couple’s story to within an inch of its life.
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| Join ugly sisters John and Abi on the end of the pier this Christmas |
And so, this morning we read how the former TV presenter will not marry the woman who stood by his side while he was accused of all manner of sex crimes.
”Everyone is looking for the fairytale ending, but it just isn’t wise to make such an important decision at a time of such huge pressure,” he tells the Express.
What fairytale Leslie thinks he is part of we do not know, but he has got one hell of a lot of work to do to convince people that he should be cast as Prince Charming.
One couple who are heading down the aisle are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who the Mirror spots ”sharing some tender moments during a romantic stroll”.
The Mail has been reporting all this week the news (from the National Enquirer) that Hollywood’s golden couple had spilt up after he had been caught frolicking with strippers.
But the pictures in the Mirror suggest otherwise, with barefoot Ben reported to be relaxed and happy, at one point even gently patting his fiancee’s famous bottom.
”There’s no doubt they’re still very much together,” an onlooker says. And they might even manage to stay together until next month’s wedding.
Who said it wouldn’t last?
‘
Phil Fingers Dennis
‘IT’S not often one feels sorry for Phil Mitchell, but waking up to find a naked fat nanny in your bed has got to be pretty distressing.
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| Barry, Janine and Natalie enjoy a rousing game of piggy in the middle |
Joanne has been turning progressively madder. She’s gone from a good Convent girl to a bed-hopping, leopard skin-wearing, drunken loon. That’s what living in Walford does to a person.
Egged on by Zoe and Kelly, Joanne decided to vamp up her image to impress Phil. Unfortunately she’s been reading the Kat Slater Guide To Impressing Your Man and went out and bought a leopard skin dress/pigskin that even Bet Lynch would turn her nose up at.
At Martin’s 18th birthday party she decided she was going to go home and declare her love for Phil. Upon finding Kate asleep on the sofa, she took off her clothes and got into bed with Phil. ”I love ya,” she slurred to a startled Phil.
Phil shouldn’t be surprised though – for dumpy mad women, he’s irresistible.
Kate and Phil fired her the next day. ”I want you gone by the time we’re back from ‘oliday,” he growled to a tearful Joanne. ”But this is my life,” she sobbed. ”No Joanne, this is MY life, you’ve just been borrowing it,” Phil retorted.
Phil is going to have more problems to deal with when he gets back from holiday as Dennis has discovered that it was he who grassed him up. Just as he was about to go on holiday,
Phil was bundled back into his house by Andy – Dalton’s second in command, demanding to know if Dennis had killed Dalton or not. ”’Is boys are angry and they’re tooled up,” he said, in best drama school Cockney.
Phil, fearing for the safety of Kate and Louise, tipped Andy the nod, thereby paving the return of Dirty Den who returns to save son Dennis from danger (and to save his bank balance after the panto offers dried up).
Elsewhere in The Square, Janine continues to milk Barry, like a giant cash cow. She and Paul went shopping on his money and he’s bought her a car.
Natalie is about to upset her plans, however, when she and Jack come down with flu and move in.
Laura still hasn’t told Garry that he can’t be the father of baby Bobby. He and Ricky went over to coo over the baby. ”E’s got a real look of my Liam about him,” said Ricky. Ricky – if only you knew how true that was.
‘
The Nurse’s Tale
‘A YEAR ago, Abi Titmuss was thrust into the limelight when, in a slightly bizarre game of musical beds, she happened to be in John Leslie’s when the storm over his sex life broke.
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| Tomorrow, Abi tells all about a minor drama on Ward 9A |
Today, the 27-year-old nurse is still sharing the TV presenter’s bed and, now that all charges against him have been dropped, is determined to make the most of her 15 minutes of fame.
For the past few days, the Express has served up helping after helping of John Leslie’s sex life, none of which makes for good reading over the breakfast table.
We have learnt that, rather like President Clinton and marijuana, he had a threesome once, but only once. Presumably, he didn’t swallow.
We have learnt that, like the majority of people in television, he has snorted cocaine and, also like the majority of people in television, he has bedded Ulrika Jonsson.
And we have learnt that he is 6ft 5in, but wouldn’t hurt a fly.
However, for the £600,000 it paid the former This Morning presenter, the Express wants more, which is why it has now moved on to Abi and her story.
The only problem is that Abi hasn’t really got a story apart from being the girlfriend of a TV star who suddenly found himself at the centre of a media storm.
Yesterday, Abi revealed how she gave Leslie an ultimatum – it’s Catherine Zeta Jones or me.
Naturally, he chose her, largely one suspects because her rival was happily married to Hollywood superstar Michael Douglas by that stage.
This morning, she talks about her anger with Ulrika Jonsson for the way she has handled the whole affair, her life as a nurse and how, er, she often goes shopping in charity shops.
All of which is absolutely fascinating and almost prevents us mentioning that another of Leslie’s old conquests, Jordan, was arrested last night.
According to the Mirror, the pneumatic mo-del was out celebrating in Birmingham with another mo-del after taking part in a jelly wrestling match.
”She was pissed and her make-up was off her face,” a clubber explains. ”Shortly after midnight, another drunken girl bumped into Jordan.
”She put her hands on Jordan’s boobs to stop herself from falling over and she claims Jordan then thumped her in the face.”
No-one was more surprised than the woman in question, who had mistaken Jordan’s breasts for twin airbags which had suddenly inflated to break her fall.
‘
Hello Buoys!
‘IF Abi Titmuss is making the most of her 15 minutes of fame, Lucy Pinder is determined to do likewise with her 15 seconds in the sun.
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| Lucy is quite a handful |
The Star has been besieged with text messages from its randy readers after picturing the busty 19-year-old on the beach in Bournemouth.
So much so that this morning it devotes its centre pages to her ”thrilling” 34FF bust.
”I just can’t believe it,” says silicone-free Lucy. ”I just went to top up my tan and now my life’s in a whirl.
”I couldn’t believe it when the photographer asked if he could take my picture. I guess he noticed my boobs because they’re totally unmissable.
”My breasts have been the bane of my life since I was 13 – now they could make my fortune.”
The Mirror has also found a couple of tits bobbing up and down in the water – as it catches up with Tony and Cherie Blair having a swim in the sea off Barbados.
‘
Real Love
‘DAVID Beckham hasn’t even got to Spain but he’s apparently homesick already, telling the papers that he misses his family, pie, mash and jellied eels – but not necessarily in that order.
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| ”Nice hair-do. Shame about the wife” |
Real’s new No.23 is currently on the final leg of the club’s Far East tour in Hong Kong, where the Sun helps to ease his pain by tracking down a pie and mash shop and delivering a meal to his hotel room.
But Becks is promised an even warmer welcome when his plane finally touches down in Madrid, with Basque separatist group ETA training their telescopic sights on the pony-tailed superstar.
A source close to the group tells the Express: ”Real Madrid stand for everything we oppose. ETA members can see the fuss and publicity this tour is making.
”It makes Beckham a very attractive target.”
They are not alone in finding Beckham attractive – the England skipper recently came second in a poll to find the world’s sexiest man.
The winner was Justin Timberlake, although the source does not divulge what ETA’s feelings are about him.
However, Beckham can console himself that ETA are not the only terrorist group that wants to kill him.
The Sun has a list of 13 Islamic groups who are intent on murdering innocent Westerners, several of whom are said to quite fancy Beckham as well.
‘
The J-Lo Down
‘TWO bits of bad news for Jennifer Lopez this morning – not only does her relationship with Ben Affleck appear to be history, but she has lost out to Kylie in the battle of the bums.
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| ‘Sexiest woman in soap? That’s a good one!’ |
According to the Mirror, Kylie has the best bottom in history, rating a perfect 5/5, compared with the 4/5 awarded to J-Lo, Cameron Diaz and the Athena poster girl.
So it’s no wonder Ben Affleck has been looking elsewhere for his entertainment, with the Mail reporting that the big-chinned actor has been caught frolicking with strippers.
That at least is the claim in the National Enquirer, which says it has CCTV footage of the 30-year-old misbehaving in a nightclub in Vancouver.
Affleck denies the allegation, but his big-arsed fiancee clearly doesn’t believe him and has called off the wedding – only days after he splashed out over $1m on birthday presents for her.
The Mail says J-Lo, whose new movie Gigli (in which she co-stars with Affleck) has been described as the worst film of all time, is no longer wearing the £700,000 25-carat pink diamond and platinum engagement ring Affleck gave her last year.
But someone who is sporting an engagement ring (although admittedly only a £7 version from Ratners) is Jessie Wallace, aka EastEnders’ Kat Slater.
The Sun has the ‘exclusive’ news on its front page that the 31-year-old actress has agreed to marry her 28-year-old policeman lover, PC Dave Morgan.
Which is a coincidence because the Mirror also has the ‘exclusive’ news on its front page.
What both papers agree on, however, is that Jessie, who met PC Morgan when she appeared in court on a drink-driving charge, is thrilled.
And that her bum is about three times the size of Kylie’s…
‘
Mercury Rising
‘WHOEVER came up with the idea that all the British talk about is the weather didn’t know what he or she was on about – first, we talk about Kylie’s bum and then we talk abut the weather.
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| Walking on the beaches, looking at the peaches |
And so this morning the papers gear up for what they are confidently predicting will be the hottest day ever, with temperatures set to break the 100 degrees F barrier.
Shamelessly, the Star ties a knotted handkerchief over its head and makes for the beach, once again to feast its eyes on the bikini-clad lovelies splashing in the surf.
But its sister paper, the Express, refuses to get in the holiday spirit, instead counting the cost of the heatwave.
Transport disruption, falling retail sales and lost productivity is costing the British economy £280m a day, it says.
And the total bill for the recent run of scorching weather could hit £1.8bn if it continues as forecast for another fortnight.
As many as 37% of workers, it says, are expected to throw a sickie in the next few days and join the likes of Jo-Anne Young on the beach.
The 27-year-old, who was among 100,000 sun-worshippers on the beaches of Bournemouth yesterday, told the paper: ‘I woke up today and couldn’t bear to go to work, so I phoned in sick.’
For her sake, we hope Jo-Anne’s boss is too busy feasting his eyes on the ‘beach peaches’ in the Star to read her confession in the Express.
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Plastic Fantastic
‘LESLIE Ash may have got rid of her ‘trout pout’, but she will not forget the people who made her life hell in the past year.
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| ‘Please, throw me back into the water’ |
‘I know who my enemies are,’ she tells this morning’s Mail, claiming that some of the things said about her were so hurtful that she found it almost impossible to get out of bed.
That may have had more to do with the sheer weight of collagen in the 43-year-old actress’s face, but nevertheless she is after revenge.
And like a goldfish, she never forgets. Or is that an elephant? We forget.
However, should Leslie decide to venture again into the world of plastic surgery, she will be delighted to learn of the new loyalty card being launched by the Harley Medical group.
It means, says the Mail, that frequent customers will be able to collect enough points to get non-surgical procedures like Botox injections and lip-plumping treatment for free.
Group chairman Mel Braham said: ‘We felt compelled to thank the loyal customer base we have had for over 20 years by treating them to a surprise.’
There will be three different types of loyalty card, depending on how much surgery a person has had – collagen (the Leslie Ash), silicone (the Cher) and Polyfilla (the Michael Jackson).
‘
Nifty Fifties
‘IF you remember the Sixties, they say, you weren’t there. If you remember the Fifties, the truth is you weren’t spending enough time on your knees scrubbing the floor.
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| Now the housework was done, Jane couldn’t wait for her husband to come home |
Ah, the Fifties. You can almost hear the sigh of nostalgia from the offices of the Daily Mail as it recalls its favourite decade.
‘You’ve never had it so good,’ Prime Minister Harold MacMillan told women as they listened to Housewives’ Choice while washing up their husband’s breakfast things.
And it is a message reinforced by this morning’s Mail, which discovers that women 50 years ago were in better shape than their modern counterparts.
Whereas 1953 woman burnt off more than 1,000 calories through their domesticated lifestyle, today’s woman sheds only a little over 500.
Modern woman also consumes a lot more calories than her 1953 version – 2,178 against 1,818, according to the research by Prima magazine.
‘Women in 1953 would spend three hours a day doing the housework, an hour walking to and from the shops in the town centre, an hour on the shopping itself and another hour making dinner,’ the Mail explains.
‘Many had lunch to prepare too, as many husbands came home to eat in the middle of the day.
‘Today, women drive rather than walk, have freezers which mean fewer shopping trips and use supermarkets which provide everything under one roof.’
And some of them even have jobs, although only to earn a bit of spending money before they find themselves a husband…
‘
Bottom Feeders
‘OBVIOUSLY the best way to get a bum like Kylie’s is to take a leaf out of Mrs Beaton’s Book Of Household Management.
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| Kylie shows off the results of her high-intensity darning regime |
The second best way is to buy a copy of this morning’s Sun, which has a life-size pull-out picture of the Aussie chanteuse’s derriere for its readers to salivate over.
Failing that, turn to the Mirror, which in its new role as a serious newspaper this morning unveils the secrets of Kylie’s ‘amazing bottom’.
‘How she got it…how she keeps it…and how YOU can get one too,’ it promises.
How Kylie Got Her Bum may sound like a modern version of Rudyard Kipling’s Just So stories, but the answer it appears is alarmingly simple – she was born with it.
Yes, Kylie’s bum is apparently an entirely natural phenomenon which has been with her from her pre-Neighbours days.
How Kylie Keeps Her Bum is also relatively straightforward, the answer apparently lying in a high-protein and low-carbohydrate diet and special dance routines.
Says the woman herself: ‘I really don’t do anything to my backside. I don’t use lotions or anything like that. I work hard. I run around a lot and I dance when I have to. That’s it.’
How YOU Get Kylie’s Bum is, however, another matter altogether.
The Mirror suggests a routine of power walking, butt clenching, leg lifts and squat holds, combined with a special diet that includes omega-3 fish oils, chromium and daily multi-vitamin pills.
We suggest you get your copy of the Sun pull-out and take it down to your nearest plastic surgeon. Either that or get down on your hands and knees and start scrubbing…
‘
The Heat Is On
‘FOR readers who do not live in the UK, we are pleased to report that Britain yesterday enjoyed its third day of sunshine in a row.
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| Feeling bot, bot, bot… |
In a country where a single day of sunshine constitutes a summer, this is officially defined as a heatwave – and, with the forecast set fair, hacks have been scurrying to the record books.
Not only would another nice day tomorrow be the longest period of unbroken sunshine Britain has enjoyed since 1825, but the papers think it could even be the hottest day ever.
‘The sizzling temperatures are tipped to peak at 37.2 degrees C (99F),’ says the Express, ‘edging out the previous record of 37.1 degrees C (98.8F) set at Cheltenham on August 3 1990.’
But the hacks who weren’t diving for the record books were diving into the sea as Fleet Street headed for the coast with a mission to find sexy girls in bikinis.
And there is no shortage of women willing to flash their boobs and their (Kylie-esque) bums in the Sun or the Star – or, in the case of 22-year-old Vicky Green, of Redcar, in both.
What Fifties housewife would say about it all we don’t know, but she’d probably have to wait for her husband to come home to find out what she thought.
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John Leslie: My Story
‘THERE were few less edifying sights than the tabloid press in full pursuit of John Leslie after he was named as the TV presenter alleged to have raped Ulrika Jonsson.
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| ‘You can get off your soapbox now, John’ |
However, the papers’ headlong retreat in the face of the news that all charges against the 6ft 5in Scot have been dropped is arguably even less appetising.
Papers which only a few months ago were gleefully picking over every aspect of Leslie’s sex life are today calling for anonymity for rape suspects.
And the very people who set themselves up as the This Morning host’s judge, jury and executioner are now presenting themselves as his counsellor and trusted friend.
For sheer cant and hypocrisy, the British tabloid press leads the world.
This morning, the Express (which has paid £600,000 for Leslie’s ‘world exclusive’ story) listens to the Scot reveal all about what exactly did happen with Ulrika.
‘We had sex on the first date and it was great but I don’t mean to imply that this was just a fling based on jumping into bed as soon as we were together,’ he says.
‘To my mind, we had a proper relationship. We went out on dates and did things like couples do.
‘She had an attitude to sex that I had not encountered before in a woman. She certainly liked it with me and had a healthy appetite for it.
‘She seemed very liberated but at the same time she was detached and somehow disengaged.’
The other papers are quick to pick up on the story – in other words, to nick the best bits from the Express for their later editions.
So, we hear in the Sun that Leslie was in love with the former weather girl, that he is furious with her for not breaking her silence to clear his name and that the rape allegation will haunt her for the rest of her life.
We also hear that Leslie’s girlfriend Abi Titmuss is putting a brave face on reports that the former Blue Peter presenter is not planning to marry her.
‘They’ve no immediate plans to marry,’ a source says, ‘but who knows what the future will hold?’
Who knows? We do – if they do decide to get married, there will certainly be no shortage of offers from the papers for the exclusive rights…
‘
Back From Hell
‘THE road to Hell may be paved with good intentions, but it is a path so well-trodden of late that it might soon need resurfacing.
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| ‘Oh, Jack, you haven’t changed one bit’ |
John Leslie announced last week, after sex assault charges against him had been dropped, that he had been ‘to hell and back’.
And this morning, we can report that Kym Marsh has made a similar journey.
A week ago, Kym and husband Jack Ryder announced they were having a trial separation, but today the Star can report the happy news that they are back together.
‘We split up for a bit but we are now back together,’ Kym said. ‘Everyone’s been through hell and back [sic] and we’re trying to sort things out.
‘We love each other very much. Everything’s fine now.’
Of course, had the pair not announced they were having a trial separation in the first place, no-one would have noticed that they had split up and got back together.
Which begs the question of how long a break has to be to qualify as a separation.
If Kym decides to nip out to the corner shop for a pack of smokes next week, can we expect to hear about it?
‘
From Kylie With Love
‘WHEN most people take saucy snaps of themselves to send to their lover, they use a Polaroid camera and Royal Mail. Or a digital camera and e-mail.
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| Come on in… |
If you’re Kylie Minogue, however, you use celebrity snapper Jason Fraser and the Daily Mail. And the Sun. And the Star. And the Mirror…
In fact, all the papers this morning are only too willing to show boyfriend Olivier Martinez what he is missing while he is filming on the other side of the Atlantic.
The Sun undoes its top button, wipes its brow and describes the pictures, shot on the Cote d’Azur, as ‘scorching’, while the Mirror is in no doubt that these are Kylie’s sexiest pictures ever.
In the ‘sizzling’ shoot, the Mirror says the Aussie songstress pays ‘a cheeky tribute’ to Hollywood’s hottest stars of yesteryear, recreating poses by Jane Fonda, Olivia Newton-John and Brigitte Bardot.
All of which prompts the Mail to wonder whether the whole shoot was not arranged purely for Martinez’s benefit.
‘In a week when the celebrity rumour mill has linked her Gallic boyfriend to his co-star Angelina Jolie, it seems far from coincidence that Kylie has apparently turned to the original French screen siren for inspiration,’ it says.
‘Two months ago, on the Riviera, Kylie was whispering in her lover’s ear. This time, however, the message is coming over loud and clear – and she is hoping her body will do the talking.’
She’s certainly won over an insider in the Star, who declares: ‘There’s no question her troubles are behind her. Any man would be mad not to want her.’
But then again, wouldn’t they say exactly the same thing about Angelina Jolie?
‘
Natural Born Blondes
‘WE don’t need to remind you that today is National Blonde Day. By way of celebration the Mirror elicits a few words from imported blonde Ulrika Jonsson.
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| ‘Am I like all the others, John?’ ‘No, darlin’, they were all natural blondes’ |
‘This is getting on my f***ing t*ts now,’ says Ulrika on the paper’s cover page.
Steady on, Ulrika, the paper’s not here to question you on your blonde credentials – natural or assisted? – just to ask you what you think of the court’s decision to acquit John Leslie of all charges.
‘It’s completely crazy,’ says Ulrika, having composed herself. ‘This case is nothing to do with me. I never accused anybody of anything.’
It’s true that she never named Leslie as the TV star who she claims attacked her in 1988 – that job was left to Matthew Wright on his Channel Five chat show.
But Ulrika’s name has been linked with Leslie’s ever since.
What of Leslie, the man for whom the Mail launches an ‘eight-page dossier’?
And this one is truly sexed-up, featuring a by now familiar picture of Leslie snorting a Columbian nasal decongestant and comments from the women who alleged he attacked them.
The key question is how many of the 15 women mentioned by name are blonde?
We imagine that Tina Mallinen, a Finnish student, is, as is Ann Marie Foss, another Scandinavian, and of course Ulrika.
Abby Titmuss, Leslie’s current squeeze, is also blonde, as is the Sun’s Michelle, who marks National Blonde Day by taking off her top and looking perky.
It truly is a great day. How will you celebrate?
‘
Fight The Good Flight
‘THOSE Frenchies are a crafty bunch.
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| Ali was amazed when he was hijacked by his distant cousin Osman |
Having supplied li-los and all manner of inflatables to asylum seekers who express a preference for roast beef over frogs’ legs, the people across the channel have now devised a new way of crossing the great divide.
The Star shows Felix Baumgartner, a Frenchman, jumping out of a plane over Dover and flying to the French coast.
The entire 22-mile journey to Cap Blanc-Nez, near Calais, took Baumgartner about eight minutes, shaming the cross-channel ferry, hovercraft and even the new improved Eurostar.
‘It’s total freedom,’ says Baumgartner. ‘You are totally alone – just you, your equipment, your wings and your skill.’
Problems begin when friends want to make the trip with you.
We are no experts in avionics but having 22 Afghan asylum seekers share your wings and parachute can only add to the already apparent dangers.
But with the contraption now safely back on French soil, the Gallic authorities are ready to test its properties for real.
The RAF have been scrambled and people picnicking on Kent coast are advised to be on the look out for swarthy men called Ali falling into their boiled egg sandwiches.
‘
A Holiday Saga
‘ROD Stewart is sailing. He’s sailing in his luxury yacht off the coast of St Tropez, France.
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| Michael and Catherine make everyone else feel a little seasick |
The Sun is also sailing, in a fashion, having hired a pedalo to keep abreast of Rod’s craft and take a picture of his proffered naked, white backside.
Rod’s three crewmates, who make up the rest of the shot, are seen laughing as the singer drops his shorts. And who can fail to be amused by this original and hilarious prank?
Well, ship ahoy, landlubbers, because in the Mail Michael Douglas can be seen looking out to sea with face like thunder.
Behind him is his much younger wife Catherine Zeta Jones, peering over Michael’s shoulder at a large, quivering white blip on the distant horizon.
The pair then turn to face each other. The next three pictures invite a photo casebook treatment, of the type favoured by the Sun’s Dear Deirdre, with speech bubbles and captions.
But we’ll just tell you the order of events. 1) Michael and Catherine face each other. 2) Michael points a finger at Catherine’s face. 3) Michael turns away from Catherine and the pair don’t speak for ten minutes.
And then…well, they see that it’s Rod and then break out into peels of riotous laughter.
Who says Saga Holidays are no fun?
‘
Not So Lucky, Lucky, Lucky
‘IT’S not just the Star’s avid readership that likes to see the back of Kylie Minogue, but it appears that her boyfriends do too.
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| Kylie, out on her (shapely) arse again |
The latest man to give Kylie the bum’s rush is Olivier Martinez, who, according to the Star’s front page, has dumped the singing pixie in favour of Angelina Jolie.
The paper goes on to say that Kylie, who had flown to Los Angeles to be with the French actor, is ‘devastated’ that she won’t be attending the premiere of his film S.W.A.T.
She should console herself with news that the film sounds pretty awful and, when it (soon) arrives on video, she can fast forward it to the few nanoseconds of action that actually feature Martinez.
But she’s still upset and is said to have shredded the £4,000 gown she was going to wear to the film’s premiere.
This prompts the Express to explain over a double page: ‘Why Kylie’s So Unlucky in Love.’ Readers learn that ‘since Michael Hutchence, she’s gone for the same type of unsuitable man’.
And this is a problem because, according to Kylie’s biographer, Virginia Blackburn, Kylie ‘imitates her partner’.
Pictures of Kylie indulging her passion for autoerotic asphyxiation, like Hutchence, are sadly unavailable, as too are shots of her taking drugs in the manner of old flame Jason Donovan.
But could Kylie be living a lie, like the, apparently, cheating Martinez?
In the Sun, Kylie says ‘I’m so happy with him’, when asked about her French lover. She then adds that ‘things couldn’t be better’.
But listen to the words of the Star’s ‘love rat’ Martinez. When once asked what he’d do if a future wife cheated on him, he was forthright: ‘First of all I kill the wife. Then I kill the guy and at the end I kill myself.’
Sounds like Kylie’s dress won’t be the last thing to be cut to ribbons…
‘
The Flying Englishman
‘IT will be so much better for Kylie Minogue when Olivier Martinez returns to his native France from filming in the Unites States.
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| To achieve the impression of motion, take picture while driving fast in the other direction |
For a start, she can check up on his whereabouts that much quicker – as yesterday, according to the Sun, the UK train speed record was crushed when the Eurostar managed a speed of 208mph.
Anyone who has taken the train and admired the slow-moving scenery of Kent for what seems like forever will be rubbing their eyes. Surely it should read 20.8mph.
No, 208mph it is. The speed is, alas, not the average speed for the entire London-Paris journey, but the top speed touched.
The full picture is provided by the down-doing Mail, which sees the Eurostar leave 15 minutes late and plod though London at an average pace of 30-50mph.
But it’s still an improvement on the old record of 162.2mph, and we now live just two and a half hours from Paris.
That’s quick enough for Kylie to catch her lover in the throes of passion – unless he’s like that other great French lover Jacques Chirac, in which case she will always be doomed to arrive two hours and twenty nine minutes too late…
‘
Rod & Tara
‘WHO can forget the sizzling chemistry of last season’s Big Brother?
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| Rog couldn’t even manage a simple task like drowning himself |
The mind now boggles at what Ray and Tania, two of the fabulously talented contestants, are getting up to now they’re an item.
Much of their love affair has been conducted in secret. The Star says that unforgettable Roy and Trudie have been indulging in ‘secret dates’ – with each other!
The Mirror catches up with Rick and Tracey as they smooched at a reunion party for the contestants. Said one insider: ‘They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.’
But the star of the party, as featured in the Star, has to be Hamish McDougal, the show’s winner and professional Chris Biggins impersonator.
But let’s take a second to remember them all. (Pause.) And now a lifetime to forget them…
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Foreplay Of The Day
‘DIDN’T yesterday’s inaugural National Foreplay Day feel like it went on and on and on? There was just none of what the Americans call closure.
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| Jordan has a feel of Ian Hislop’s private eye |
Jordan, the glamour model, whose buoyancy takes her to the front cover of the Star and third page of the Sun, was too busy to think of getting her rocks off.
Instead she lined up a chain of the paste and glass gems and tied them around her neck to spell the word ‘SEX’. It was like a dog collar with real attitude.
What furry dog would be seen dead in such a necklace is a question that should be directed to Otto, the Rottweiler owned by Tony ‘Go On Punk, Make My Hay’ Martin.
News that Martin has a price on his head of £60,000 has failed to get the country up in arms and shooting gypsies.
So the Sun says that nefarious lowlife have also targeted Martin’s blameless dog for the kill.
Knowing how the British love their animals above all else, we can expect dog fanciers to torch every caravan from Prestatyn to Margate.
That’s if they’re not already acting on Jordan’s foreplay thought for the day, as given in the Star.
‘A bit of spit and touch never goes amiss if you are in a hurry,’ says Jordan.
Which will leave plenty of time for killing gypsies…
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The Uncomfortable Tooth
‘NOT everyone hates dentists – just nearly everyone.
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| ‘They did say ‘free beer’, didn’t they?’ |
This news comes on the day the Express sees 600 people queue up outside an NHS dental practice in west Wales to claim one of the 300 places available.
Some had travelled 25 miles to stand in line for 11 hours to register at the Brynteg Dental surgery in Carmarthen.
How many thought the queue was for drugs is not known, but even reducing the line by a factor of 20% for that and a further factor of 10% for the merely curious who join any line, the demand was still huge.
‘Many started crying,’ says practice manager Heather Davies, ‘some were awkward and started arguing, while others offered bribes of several hundred pounds but there was nothing we could do.’
They needed their teeth drilled and that was that. A lucky 300 did escape and were seen running for the hills…’
I Was There
‘IN the 1960s, anyone who was anyone went to Capri or the French Riviera. Today they go to The Priory.
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| Priory playing cards (£50.00 a pack) |
For those rare few of you without a drug and/or alcohol problem, the Priory is the clinic of choice for the rich and toxic.
The Express reminds us that it has been home to Kate Moss, Michael Barrymore, Caroline Aherne, Ronnie Wood, Kevin Kennedy and Paul Gascoigne.
It’s a wonder English Heritage haven’t given it a blue plaque yet.
And now there will be room for more of the great and not-so-good as the clinic plans to expand its 104 beds by a further 30.
A spokesman explains why.
‘There is a lot more stress and pressure and people are earning so much money,’ she says. ‘And alongside these two factors is the presence of alcohol and cocaine.’
And the chance to say: ‘I was there.’
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Laura Keeps Mum
‘THE murder of Jack Dalton has given Dennis his first major storyline since joining the cast. It’s allowing him to use all his full range of emotions: from balsa through to mahogany.
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| ‘It’s got your eyes, Ricky’s nose, Ian’s chin…’ |
After releasing Phil due to lack of evidence, Walford Flying Squad brought Dennis in for questioning on the grounds that he was acting ‘suspiciously’ (or rather for suspicious acting).
Sharon gave him an alibi though and told him that she’ll stand by him ‘whatever’. ‘I just don’t want you turnin’ out like our dad,’ she told him. I don’t think there’s any danger of that – he’s not good enough to get a part in panto.
Laura went into labour this week although it was fairly difficult to tell as she’s gurning and red-faced at the best of times. Garry happened to be with her (of course) so was forced to go to the hospital with her.
Lynne wasn’t terribly happy about the fact her husband was playing ”appy families’ with another woman and left him. She shouldn’t worry though – the chances of anyone being in a happy family in Walford are zero.
Indeed, Laura’s baby had only appeared in one episode before he developed a life-threatening condition. ‘He needs a blood transfusion’ a nurse told her. ‘Your blood doesn’t match so can we ask the father?’
On the face of it, that would be a fairly straightforward request, but not for poor Laura. It turns out that Garry’s blood didn’t match that of his ‘son’ – which means that he can’t possibly be the father.
Laura is choosing to keep that information to herself though as Garry has promised to ‘be ‘ere for you and the baby’.
Rumour has it that Ricky will turn out to be the actual father, but the field’s still wide open.
Janine (who knows a thing or two about going to bed with several men in a day herself) has set out to fleece Barry for every penny. After getting him to buy her several ‘designer’ outfits (who knew that Sofa World’s covers could be so flattering?), she now persuaded him to buy her a car.
‘It’ll be great for business,’ she cooed. Well it’ll certainly help her business: enabling her to scoot from punter to punter much quicker.
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