Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
He’s Back
‘AFTER failing to even get off with Kat, Dr Anthony finally realised his chances at a storyline were zero and has left for Croatia – he’s heard it’s far less miserable than life in Walford.
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| ‘Stone me! It’s Mr Potato Head with a spud gun’ |
Paul mentioned to Alfie that Anthony had left after a final fling with Kat, which lead to Alfie and Kat’s second break-up in almost as many episodes.
‘If yew can’t trust me, it’s ovfer,’ huffed Kat as she stormed out of the Walford Tandoori, causing diners to hold onto their tables as she wobbled past.
Alfie and Kat’s relationship has been on and off more times than Jodie Marsh’s knickers – and it’s about as interesting as Ms Marsh.
Kelly’s relationship with Tariq is also over, when he overheard Zoe talking to Kat about Kelly’s past as a prostitute. ‘It’s not fair,’ wailed Zoe, ‘How come Kelly gets a second chance after years on the game – and I’ve got no one?’
Perhaps it’s precisely because Kelly was on the game that she knows how to keep a man: although to be fair a woman doesn’t have to be a professional – she should just ask her mother for some tips.
The Square is treading water at the moment though as it gears up for it’s big storyline of the year – the worst kept secret since Gareth Gates made Jordan promise not to tell, the return of Dirty Den.
Dennis Junior sets up his return by taking out his arch-enemy, Dalton. EastEnders has gone a bit ‘Lock Stock’ at the moment (and about as believable), with ‘shooters’, gangsters, pool halls and hit men.
Dennis is owed twenty grand from Dalton for going to prison for him, but Dalton’s not keen on paying (he needs all his money for his pies), so decides to call in the favour Phil owes him.
Phil can’t bring himself to kill Dennis so gives Dennis the gun and tells him it’s his chance to ‘sort’ Dalton out for good.
Dalton, it transpires, was responsible for ordering the hit on Dirty Den and, once he’s dead, it means that Den can escape from having to present Fort Boyard on Channel 5 and return to Walford – thus exchanging one make believe land of midgets, freaks and losers for another.
‘
Righting Rons
‘YOU can’t have helped but notice that the face of fast food has been changing.
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| Mr Yamasoto, seconds before his untimely death |
Mr Wimpy, who looked like Nigel Lawson before he lost weight, now looks like him after his crash diet.
And Ronald McDonald’s radioactive clothing and neon nose have been replaced by a pair of huge wellies and a healthy glow.
You can now get McSalad instead of a McBurger, which is so fresh it might even come with some McBugs and a few microbes of authentic McFertiliser.
But the Mail says that children still want the meat treats. And they want them so badly that they are prepared to turn up at school to get them.
Schools like Cornelius Vermuyen secondary in Canvey Island, Essex, are giving 50 pupils with a perfect performance record a voucher entitling the holder to a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder, fries and soft drink.
Children who play truant will not get the free meal, although they’ll probably be sick of McDonalds having spent the better part of last term sitting in one.
Kate Dalmeny, a research officer at the Food Commission, is not happy at the deal.
In the Mail, she talks of the need to improve a child’s diet, especially with the rising problems of obesity and poor childhood nutrition.
Perhaps she’d be in a better mood if McDonald’s started offering the kind of wholesome delights more usually seen in school canteens – like McSlops, McSwede and the catering staff’s speciality du jour McFingernail And McHair In Custard.
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Giving Nature A Hand
‘SINCE this article is on the Internet, anyone reading it is a pervert. What the Mail has long believed is now fact in the Mirror.
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| Wanker |
But worry not, because news is that frequent masturbation can reduce a man’s risk of prostate cancer.
Regular visits to Anorakslappers.com can reduce a surfer’s exposure to ‘cancer-triggering’ chemicals.
Since no British man would sully his hands on this matter, the research has been carried out in Australia.
Dr Graham Giles of Melbourne’s La Trobe University puts his findings in plain English: ‘The more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage cells.’
Another Australian, Anthony Smith of the Australian Research Centre in Sex Health and Society in Melbourne, gets excited.
‘If these findings hold up,’ he pants, ‘then it’s perfectly reasonable that men should be encouraged to masturbate.’
Further trials are already underway in Melbourne – ‘The World’s Masturbation Capital’.
Shane Warne has been showing the local cricket academy how to clean out your tubes and get added spin on the cricket ball…
‘
Brief Encounter
”I WANT to be with you for ever.’ That’s what the Star hears Big Brother’s Nush say to Big Brother’s Scott last night.
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| ‘Is this your prostate, Scott?’ |
If this was America, you’d expect the two to plunge naked into the outdoor pool while embracing a plugged-in toaster. They would rather take their love into oblivion – where no public vote could divide them.
But this is Britain, and while the pool dive would be a ratings winner, it would not enable either Scott or Nush to scoop the title of Big Brother champion 2003 and the £70,000 that goes with it.
Instead readers are treated to a kind of 1940s romance in which Scott takes on the role of Trevor Howard to Nush’s Celia Johnson. The Sun has the script.
‘I’m not going to lie,’ says Scott. ‘I don’t want Cameron to go but I would rather he go than you. I’m not going to lie. If it came to the choice with anyone else I would want you to stay.’
Nush says that she thinks the same. There is a pause. ‘Are you OK?’ asks he, manfully. ‘I’m asking honestly because I really…because you know I’m thinking about you more than…’
‘I know,’ says Nush.
The pair then enter a tunnel. When they do emerge Nush is seated as before but Scott is fiddling with his trousers.
‘OK?’ asks Nush, tenderly.
‘Time to service the prostate,’ says Scott…
‘
Dirty Diana
‘IT’S been an oversight that has passed under the snouts of the press for too long: just how good was Princess Di in bed?
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| Demented female on the loose |
What her favoured location for coitus was we can only guess at, and bed is meant only as a cover-all for those other romantic hotspots, like the centre circle of Will Carling’s Twickenham or the front window of Dodi Fayed’s father’s shop.
Where James Hewitt and Diana did it is not given away, although in answer to our question, Hewitt is saying that Di was ‘one hell of a f***’.
That’s a comment fit for the gates of Althorp House, the estate run by Di’s brother Charles, who was also partial to a spot of adultery.
And an even better way to plug a soon-to-be-aired documentary about ‘love rat’ Hewitt on Channel 4, which the papers have all seen.
Inside the Sun, readers get to hear of Hewitt’s reasons for spilling the beans on camera.
‘We’re doing this programme because I’m a complete shit and we’re trying to make me less of a shit,’ the major explains.
Hewitt hopes to achieve his goal by allowing his pal Michael Coleman to read aloud some of those famous letters that passed between Di and himself.
Coleman cocks his head to the side, bats his eyelids and reads: ‘Boy, oh boy, does the earth shake when I get a letter from my desert friend, screams of delight, tears, you name it. Demented female on the loose, that’s for sure.’
Those words were penned in 1991, at a time when Hewitt was serving in the Gulf War.
Speaking anew through Coleman, she says how she worries for her James and prays for his safe return.
As, apparently, did Charles. ‘I think Charles was probably grateful someone was looking after his wife,’ the Mail hears Hewitt say.
And for giving Prince William someone to play with…
‘
Not Big, Not Clever
‘GETTING what the Express terms ‘filth’ off the magic box is a worthy campaign.
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| ‘I mean darnation, old boy…’ |
But for every Angus Deayton – a man who has kept his nose clean and is now making a return to our screens in a BBC comedy (Mail) – there are ten James Hewitts and Greg Rusedskis talking of shits and shags.
Taking just the 60 movies shown on terrestrial TV this year, the Express says that the ‘f-word’ (a quaint term given its prevalence) was uttered 1,429 times.
And that is a fuck of a lot in anyone’s book.
To complete the picture, there were 827 uses of the word ‘shit’ and 221 exclamations of ‘Jesus!’ or ‘Christ!’
This cutting-edge research is the work of a TV watchdog organisation called Mediawatch UK. And the group has been dedicated in its task.
For instance, the Express now knows that the film populated with the most swearing was Goodfellas, which has 212 uses of the ‘f-word’.
It just shades out Reservoir Dogs (197), but knocks Sleeping With The Enemy (2) into a c**ked hat.
The widest use of shit was found in the movie Bad Boys, which employed the term an impressive 62 times.
The obvious conclusion to this news is that people like watching other people swearing because swearing makes for good telly.
But Mediawatch UK director John Beyer finds something quite different, offering the sweeping statement that swearing on TV and film contributes to the use of such words in general conversation.
He duly calls for TV companies to ‘reduce the volume of swearing and profanity in television programmes’.
Which they surely will do, just as soon as they’ve found the fucking remote control.
‘
Well, He Was Just 17
”WELL, he was just 17, and, you know what we mean, the way he looked, you’d have thought that he was nine.’ Yeah!
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| ‘Well, it was about as big as my thumb…’ |
Wow! This girl Jordan can really sing. Who would have thought there was room for lungs under the sand castles she wears on her chest.
But let’s not interrupt her in mid-flow, but rather stay with her, as the Star does.
‘Well, he looked at me, and I, I could see that before too long I’d fall in love with him.’ Waaa! And what next?
‘Well, my chest went kaboom! as I crossed the room and I held his hand in mine’ Yeehaw!
‘I snuck up the corridor, he wanted some more, so I stayed a while with him after the show.’ Oooooo! He said I’d never shagged him – but I did, and the awful truth you must now know.
‘He’s got a small willy! He’s got a small willy! He’s got a small willy! It’s so small, it’s way beyond compare.’
Jordan plans to release her Double F-side version of her fling with Gareth G-Gates in her new autobiography.
In the meantime, it’s a tune you cannot get out of your head. So, come on, all together now: ‘He’s got a small willy! He’s got a small willy. He’s got a small…’
‘
Roll Call
‘THE Express watches Zoe Gosling get ready for school. She’s packing her bag with all the things she needs: pen, pencil, rubber (ribbed and Tizer-flavour), lighter, toilet roll…
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| Zoe models her new school uniform |
Yes, that’s right. Pupils at Ghyllgrove Infants School, Essex, are being asked to being in their own loo roll.
‘We have to deal with what we have to deal with,’ says the school’s head, Miss Brown. ‘No-one is going to come down here to give us extra money.’
She should take care if the rolls are ever used as makeshift exercise books – a black mark could just mean little Zoe has an iron-rich diet…
‘
Double Gs
‘THE Sun says that Gareth Gates, the stammering rap artist, did sleep with Jordan, the glamour mod-el.
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| Water levels drop across Europe |
Turning her 32FFs into 32-F-F-F-F-Fs, the paper says that the singer hooked up with then pregnant Jordan after his final Pop Idol performance.
Does Gates not know the motto that more than a handful is a waste – or, in this case, more than a mouthful?
The singer really did bite off more than he could chew when he met Jordan. But the Star reminds us that Gates denied ever having been with the model on three occasions.
He even threatened to sue if she continued saying that they had shared a bed. ‘It’s all l-l-l-l-lies,’ he blurted at the time.
However, it’s not hard to see what Jordan saw in Gates, After all, he has a fair pair of GGs and, in the Jordan celebrity stakes, that’s one step closer to her goal of being a true ZZ-lister.
Look out in the coming weeks for stories about Jordan and Peter Powell, David Dickinson, William Windsor…
‘
House Arrest
‘THINK back to a time when Big Brother was not the worst thing ever shown on British TV. Remember that large pink blob. No, not Vanessa, think further back than even her.
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| An early version of Vanessa Feltz |
Yes, it’s Mr Blobby, the creature that gave us the monster who is Noel Edmonds.
The Mail says that Noel plans to return to the telly. He had said that he’d never return, but in a move that he likens to Steve Redgrave’s call to be shot if he ever stepped back in a boat, he is ready to take to the screens.
Well, shoot him now.
The paper says that Noel has two new formats for our televisual delight – details of which are not supplied.
However, given that locking people into a fake house and forcing them to smile or else has been done to a death in his House Party and Big Brother, his new ventures must be even better.
What about using a torture chamber instead? That way he can experience the same pain as his viewers.
‘
Yellow Fever
‘GIVEN the global popularity of TV’s The Simpsons, it’s not too surprising that many men see Homer as their hero. They want to dress like him, talk like him, even look like him.
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| On Best behaviour |
And one man who, apparently, wants it more than any other is George Best.
Best, who spent years propped on bar stools in a successful bid to turn a rich Homer yellow (only to have his colour scrubbed out by meddling liver surgeons), is now back on the booze.
The Sun hears George’s son Callum ‘Bart’ Best say that he thinks his father has been back on the drink.
The Mirror cocks an ear towards George’s wife, Alex ‘Marge’ Best, who begs pubs across the land not to serve her husband.
Sadly, her plea came too late for staff at the Chequers pub, Tadworth, Surrey, who served her husband a few drinks and then a few more.
Such is the furore that the Express takes a look at the statement issued by the brewery that owns Chequers, and hears them claim that Best has been a good customer for a while, drinking spritzers for months.
The pub also claims that Best had been served because the landlord, Mark Nobel-Campbell, is a New Zealander and failed to recognise his new patron.
But now that Best is changing colour again, clasping his head to his hand and shouting ‘D’oh!’, it’s unlikely he’ll make the same error twice.
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Ground Force
‘THE George Best story makes you wonder where David Beckham and his parasitical wife will draw the line in their shameless quest to be famous.
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| Michaelangelo’s Day-vid |
Will Day-vid paint himself a liver-damaged yellow? Probably, if his wife convinced him that it’s really gold and it will further her singing career.
The latest outing of the Beckham circus took them to the wedding of Dave Gardner and ex-Hollyoaks actress Davinia Taylor, in a church at Chelford, Cheshire.
The Mirror says that Vicky and Dave turned up and stole the show. ‘Do you Posh and Becks solemnly swear to steal the show at your friends’ wedding?’ it asks.
But the paper is surely missing the point. Without the Madrilenos, the happy couple would not have got their names within spitting distance of even their local paper, never mind the nationals.
Inviting the Beckhams to your do guarantees publicity. And the Sun laps it up, even pointing a camera at the toothsome bride and her new husband.
And if you’re close enough to the couple, and give the PR firms enough notice, they might throw in Brooklyn as part of the deal.
They will dress him up in a white suit, a kind of ‘mini me’ Day-vid, and offer him to camera.
For a few photos extra, it is rumoured that David will dress in a loincloth and a crown of thorns, juggle a football up the aisle, weaving between the bride and groom before delivering a deft chip onto the head of the vicar.
Posh will then mime a hip-hop version of Rock Of Ages, and actually sacrifice Romeo on the altar marked ‘Celebrity’…
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Rewriting Wrongs
‘IF Posh and David really loved celebrity and fame they would have the words tattooed on their foreheads.
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| ‘It’s A-N-O-R-A-K’ |
But before taking ink they should pay attention to the Star and hear the words of Angelina Jolie, the actress who now regrets turning her body into a shrine to ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton.
The paper says that Angelina is having the tattoo bearing Billy Bob’s name removed by high-energy pulse laser.
‘It’s very painful,’ says she, ‘and everybody has to wear a surgical mask because of the smell of burning flesh.’
The unwanted words, which are said by the paper to appear ‘just above her naughty bits’, will be erased for good after a few more treatments.
Then she will be free to write a name that she can truly love for all time, like Becks, Arsenal or Anorak…
‘
On The Brink
‘IF Big Brother producers want to spice the show up, they should start recruiting housemates in Newcastle.
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| A made-for-TV romance |
Randy Geordies are apparently more likely to have a one-night stand than any other group in Britain, according to a survey reproduced in the Sun.
Local model (and former girlfriend of Peter Stringfellow) Helen Benoist said it was the drink that made the city lose its inhibitions.
‘What’s wrong with a bit of fun?’ asks Helen. ‘If it’s between two consenting adults, it does no harm. We’re very friendly.’
But even the Geordies who do get inside of the Big Brother house turn out to be duds – as last year’s runner-up Jonny Regan proved.
However, with the housemates celebrating 50 days locked up in this year’s Big Brother house, the papers are at last beginning to see the first stirring of the collective loins.
The Star pictures Lisa giving fellow housemates ‘a poolside peep show’ after Ray had snatched her bikini top.
And the Sun optimistically claims that the show was reaching fever pitch last night – ‘as Nush and Scott were on the brink of a bonk’.
On what intelligence the paper is basing this assessment we don’t know, especially as Nush is already trying to deny that she even kissed Scott at the St Patrick’s Day party.
But perhaps it means on the brink of a bonk in the same way that Saddam Hussein was on the brink of launching nuclear missiles at London…
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Blonde On Blonde
‘DODGY dossiers and Big Brother bonk claims are not the only things being sexed up at the moment – former virgin Britney Spears is also unveiling a whole new image.
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| Spot any difference between Penny and Rachel and win Rod Stewart |
The 21-year-old star is ‘kissing goodbye to her bubblegum image and turning herself into a sex goddess’, according to the Mirror (which sits in on her photo-shoot for W magazine).
‘She has ditched the wholesome, pig-tailed innocence that made her a worldwide hit,’ it adds. ‘Instead, she smoulders in heavy make-up, a long blonde wig and raunchy outfits.’
At this rate, it is only a matter of time before she attracts the attention of crooner and serial blonde-lover Rod Stewart.
They say owners grow to look like their pets, but what of girlfriends growing to look like their predecessors?
The Mail delves into its picture archives to support its theory that even Rod can no longer tell the difference between ex-wife Rachel Hunter and current blonde Penny Lancaster.
Of course, the Mail is a serious paper and this is not just an excuse to publish two pages of pictures of the two blonde models.
In one picture Rod is seen with his left arm round Rachel’s waist – the same arm that years later is seen slipped round Penny.
And the similarities don’t end there…
‘
Theakston’s Old Peculiar
‘AMANDA Holden is to co-stars what Anthea Turner is to other women’s husbands.
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| ‘Come on, Jamie. I promise I won’t laugh – just ask Les’ |
And the Cutting It star has been at it again, this time luring Jamie Theakston into her lair.
The Star says the couple have been secretly dating since they met on the set of a BBC comedy, called either Eternal Rectangle or Tandem, depending on whether you believe the Star or the Express.
And they stepped out in tandem for the first time on Wednesday night, canoodling together in a London club.
A clubber tells the Star: ‘At first, all the people in the club were stunned, thinking ‘Of all the people to be an item’.
‘But then, when you think about it, Jamie and Amanda are probably made for each other.’
Of course! He likes bondage sessions in Mayfair dungeons and she used to be married to funnyman Les Dennis. It’s so obvious…
‘
Escort Girl
‘WHEN David Beckham was a little boy, he had a dream – that one day he would own a Ford Escort.
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| David Beckham dream sequence |
And it’s a dream that he might have realised if he hadn’t met and married a singer by the name of Victoria Beckham.
As the former Spice Girl prepares to relaunch her singing career this weekend, the Mail reports that marriage destroys a man’s ambition.
According to a study by New Zealand researchers, the male drive is tied up with attracting a mate and, once this is done, that drive dampens down.
They studied 280 eminent scientists throughout history and discovered that most of them made their biggest discovery before their mid-thirties and before they got married.
And the same was true of jazz musicians, painters and authors.
What, however, of singers? Could it be true that, at the age of 29, Victoria Beckham’s best years are all behind her?
The Star, which catches up with her in New York wearing a T-shirt bearing the hopeful slogan ‘Pillow Talk Is Extra’, says the artist formerly known as Posh Spice is confident that her new hip-hop single will be a success.
One pal claims that hip-hop producer Damon Dash was bowled over by her singing.
‘She’s prepared for the critics – but really believes this is her big moment,’ the pal says.
And a New York source also claims the song is going to be big. ‘Everything Damon touches turns to gold when it comes to music,’ they tell the Star.
And if they’re right, who knows – maybe Posh will make her husband’s dream come true and buy him that Ford Escort after all.
‘
Musical Youth
‘ONE thing the Beckhams have in common is that they both excelled at music when they were younger.
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| ‘Another ten laps around the track and I’ll have done nine’ |
Victoria was, of course, the creative force behind the Spice Girls – and was even allowed to sing on a couple of their songs.
And David was ‘very good at all aspects’, according to his school report (which is this morning reproduced in the Sun).
However, apart from music and sport, David’s academic record was nothing to write home about – had he even been able to write well enough to perform that task.
In English classes, he was accused of ‘considerable insolence’, in French he was ‘distracted by those with whom he chooses to associate’ and in Maths his work was described as ‘very slow’ and ‘painstaking’.
However, even he should be able to manage to count the number of solo hits his wife has had. One, two…
‘
Legge Over
‘ONLY a couple of days’ ago, Big Brother contestant Nush Nowak’s mum was complaining that her daughter wasn’t getting enough nookie inside the house.
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| Cam prayed that his clever disguise would fool Scott |
Now, she is apparently worried that the blonde hippy will get it on with Scott.
‘As long as she keeps her integrity, that’s all that matters,’ Elzbieta tells the Sun. ‘I hope they never bonk.’
Chance would be a fine thing – even with the Sun offering £50,000 for the first couple to get it on in the Big Brother house, there hasn’t been so much as a snog.
Instead, we have to go to France to find a British girl flying the flag – where we meet up again with Eleanor Legge-Burke.
In May, Eleanor was filmed having sex on the French version of the show – and the happy news is that she is still with the man in question.
The Mail spots the cousin of Royal nanny Tiggy Legge-Burke and boyfriend Prosper Masqualier on holiday in St Tropez, two months after their in-house romp.
‘The couple’s outrageous behaviour in Le Big Brother house has made them celebrities in France,’ it says – and claims there is no sign of the passion dimming.
But why can an English girl get it on in France and not here? It can’t have anything to do with the French male seduction technique.
As Prosper snuggled up to Eleanor, the 22-year-old drama student was heard to whisper: ‘Do I set you on fire?’
A good actor he may become, but let’s hope he gets some better scripts in future.
‘
Knit Wit
‘SOMETHING has been missing these last few months – something small, something loud and something ginger.
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| To remove crabs, wash thoroughly with delicing shampoo |
No, not the Rice Krispies trio Snap, Crackle and Pop, but Geri Halliwell, celebrity slimmer and one-time member of the Spice Girls.
‘She’s Back,’ trumpets the Mirror front page to the obvious delight of all its readers, who had barely been able to sleep in her absence.
And not only is she back but ‘she’s back to her curvy best’, according to the Star, which catches up with the former Turkish game-show hostess on the set of Sex And The City.
The 30-year-old (that’s what it says in the paper) was making a special guest appearance in the show, playing Phoebe Kittenworth, a close pal of maneater Samantha Jones.
‘They meet as Phoebe leaves the New York branch of the ultra-trendy club Soho House and finds Samantha outside in a desperate bid to gain membership,’ the Star explains.
‘Phoebe makes her day by getting her into the club.’
It sounds a riveting storyline, but the papers are only really concerned by how Geri – for some reason wearing a bikini top and a thigh-skimming skirt – looks.
‘Everyone knows Geri has been through a lot lately but she looked absolutely fantastic,’ an onlooker tells the Star.
What exactly Geri’s supposed to have been through recently we don’t know – except perhaps several cartons of biscuits and a few balls of wool.
It is the wool that is pulled over the Sun’s eye as it watches her indulge in the new celebrity hobby of knitting.
‘Geri uses knitting to unwind,’ one unnamed onlooker tells the paper. ‘She seems to have gone from Girl Power to Purl Power.’
Of course, that’s exactly what they said – because everyone in New York talks in Sun-style puns…
‘
Les Gros Nichons
‘AS Geri Halliwell sticks out her chest and ensures her new bust spills out all over the country’s breakfast tables this morning, she is in danger of being overshadowed by a horse.
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| Racing in the 1.45 at Longchamps |
No, not by a horse that can hold a tune better than her nor by a horse that is more blessed in the looks department nor indeed by a horse that is her knitting superior.
All those horses no doubt exist, but the horse in question is a French three-year-old, which made its racing debut at Longchamps last month…under the name, Big Tits.
And, the Sun says, the Jockey Club can’t do a thing to prevent the horse running under that name in Britain because of a reciprocal arrangement they have with their French equivalent.
Jockey Club spokesman John Maxse said, under the arrangement, French officials check British names and vice-versa, but he admitted: ‘We never saw Big Tits.’
NB – Note to Editor: Insert joke here.’
Twose Company
‘TO complete the wildlife theme, we move from dogs to horses to birds.
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| Artist’s impression of the culprit (and his accomplices) |
And we turn to the Mail to hear how a woodpecker, which set up home in a garden in Somerset, made so much noise that a neighbour complained to the council.
The council then sent a notice to Liz Twose, who owns the garden where the woodpecker had taken up residence, threatening a £5,000 fine unless the noise stopped.
If it did not, the notice warned, the ‘offending equipment’ would be confiscated.
Mrs Twose said her first reaction was that the letter was a joke, but the council assured her that it wasn’t.
Only after she had managed to convince the council that the ‘offending equipment’ was in fact a woodpecker trying to drum up a mate did the council agree to drop the matter.
‘The complainant thought it was a bird scarer which is used in agriculture to scare away birds,’ a council spokesman said, adding that it had also received complaints about mooing cows.
But there’s no need to get back to Geri Halliwell again…
‘
Mothers’ Pride
‘YESTERDAY, the mother of ousted Big Brother contestant Anouska complained that the show’s producers were exploiting her daughter by sending her to Australia and plying her with booze.
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| Puppy love |
Today, the mother of another Big Brother housemate joins in the criticism of the show – complaining that her daughter is not getting enough sex.
Elzbieta Shields tells the Star that daughter Nush Nowak is ‘like a naughty puppy’ around Scott and urges him to make a move.
Anorak’s experience of naughty puppies suggests that it doesn’t pay to get too close without wearing waterproof clothing, but each to their own.
From golden showers to Gold Coast showers – and the Star responds to yesterday’s call to stop exploiting Anouska with some topless pictures of the 20-year-old.
‘Yesterday, she gave viewers a generous eyeful of her boobs as she showered topless and provocatively played with her bikini briefs while she was sunbathing,’ it says.
Enter another mum into the fray – Sheila Jeynes, parent of Welsh man-woman Lisa.
‘My daughter is not a lesbian, she’s not a bitch and she’s certainly not a man,’ she tells the Star.
But as for her son…
‘
Independence Day
‘VICKI marked the American Fourth of July celebrations by declaring her own Independence Day and going ahead with a termination despite Sharon and Spencer’s pleas.
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| ‘Your turn. I ‘aven’t done you yet, ‘ave I?’ |
Sharon had even offered Vicki ten grand to have the baby but Vicki’s not stupid. For one thing, where on earth was Sharon going to get ten grand, considering a good night at Angie’s Den consists of four of the Slater sisters in there, sipping Bacardi Breezers?
It was good news all round though as Sharon announced that she’d booked Vicki on a flight back to the States this week. Hopefully that’s the last we’ll see of her and her Catherine Zeta Jones style bizarre attempts at an American accent.
Dr Anthony is also off for pastures new (the job centre most likely) as he leaves Walford, convinced that he’s a bad doctor after a pregnant woman dies in his care.
To be honest, I could never see the point of Dr Anthony, other than to give the producers a few more PC brownie points with their ‘Hey, look – black people can be doctors too’ approach. It’s a pity they can’t have any actual storylines.
Their final attempt to give Anthony something to do before he leaves consisted of a painful scene of him trying to kiss Kat again, for about the hundredth time.
Kat rebuffed him, telling him that she was with Alfie now. Poor Anthony, he’s so useless he can’t even pull Walford’s biggest slapper.
Kat’s reputation has got back to Alfie and he’s having second thoughts about how he’s going to measure up against so many, many men.
Alfie and Kat are scheduled to have their second break-up this week. It’ll be interesting to see how many they manage in this pathetic attempt to keep viewers vaguely interested.
The new Ferreira family are having storylines chucked at them at an alarming rate and consequently none of them are remotely interesting.
The family secret turns out that their ‘dead’ mother isn’t dead at all but is actually Madha Jaffrey, renowned actress and curry sauce millionairess.
No wonder she wants to keep the fact that she’s related to this sorry lot a secret.
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Top Of The Heap
‘COMMENT is free, but facts are supposedly sacred – so who exactly has come out of the Government’s spat with the BBC the best?
 |
| Linda used to bring her own cue – and chalk |
The Mirror is certain that it knows, its front page proclaiming ‘GUILTY!’ above pictures of Tony Blair, Jack Straw and Geoff Hoon.
But the Sun seems to be equally certain, proclaiming Blair’s spinmeister Alastair Campbell the winner and suggesting that BBC bosses are ‘on the ropes’.
But the difference between the two papers runs a lot deeper than their conflicting views on the war with Iraq.
The Sun this morning devotes its centre pages to retiring Page 3 photographer Beverley Goodway’s Top 10 stunnas of the last three decades.
Meanwhile, the Mirror has a list of women of its own – the country’s top 20 bachelorettes (or spinsters, as we used to call them).
And surprisingly there isn’t exactly a lot of cross-over between the two lists – which is probably just as well as the Mirror’s winner is none other than Kathy Burke.
‘Sexy, funny and honest, she once pinched my arse at an awards do,’ says Maxim editor Bill Burrows.
Back to the Sun, where Linda Lusardi wins Beverley’s vote for his favourite Page 3 girl.
‘She always turned up on time,’ he recalls, ‘and even brought her own oil to make her skin glisten.’
True professionals, the both of them…
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