Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Independence Day
‘VICKI marked the American Fourth of July celebrations by declaring her own Independence Day and going ahead with a termination despite Sharon and Spencer’s pleas.
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| ‘Your turn. I ‘aven’t done you yet, ‘ave I?’ |
Sharon had even offered Vicki ten grand to have the baby but Vicki’s not stupid. For one thing, where on earth was Sharon going to get ten grand, considering a good night at Angie’s Den consists of four of the Slater sisters in there, sipping Bacardi Breezers?
It was good news all round though as Sharon announced that she’d booked Vicki on a flight back to the States this week. Hopefully that’s the last we’ll see of her and her Catherine Zeta Jones style bizarre attempts at an American accent.
Dr Anthony is also off for pastures new (the job centre most likely) as he leaves Walford, convinced that he’s a bad doctor after a pregnant woman dies in his care.
To be honest, I could never see the point of Dr Anthony, other than to give the producers a few more PC brownie points with their ‘Hey, look – black people can be doctors too’ approach. It’s a pity they can’t have any actual storylines.
Their final attempt to give Anthony something to do before he leaves consisted of a painful scene of him trying to kiss Kat again, for about the hundredth time.
Kat rebuffed him, telling him that she was with Alfie now. Poor Anthony, he’s so useless he can’t even pull Walford’s biggest slapper.
Kat’s reputation has got back to Alfie and he’s having second thoughts about how he’s going to measure up against so many, many men.
Alfie and Kat are scheduled to have their second break-up this week. It’ll be interesting to see how many they manage in this pathetic attempt to keep viewers vaguely interested.
The new Ferreira family are having storylines chucked at them at an alarming rate and consequently none of them are remotely interesting.
The family secret turns out that their ‘dead’ mother isn’t dead at all but is actually Madha Jaffrey, renowned actress and curry sauce millionairess.
No wonder she wants to keep the fact that she’s related to this sorry lot a secret.
‘
Royal Love Triangle
‘WIMBLEDON may be over for another year, but the papers’ obsession with bottoms lasts for longer than just a fortnight every year.
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| Crazy in love with whom? |
And that’s why Destiny’s Child singer Beyonce Knowles occupies the front page of all the tabloids this morning as she wowed the crowds during yesterday’s Party In The Park.
One person who was smitten by the 21-year-old diva is Prince William, with the Sun claiming that Prince Charles revealed that his son fancied her.
‘Both of my sons have your album and I think Wills quite fancies you,’ he apparently told her.
But Wills may have a bit of competition – from his dad.
The Express says Charles was ‘mesmerised’ by Beyonce, ‘who was looking her bootylicious best in a figure-hugging crimson hotpants jumpsuit and blue stilettos’.
Bootylicious she may be, but the Star says that Beyonce would give J-Lo a run for her money when it comes to diva-like demands.
An insider tells the paper that the singer arrived late for rehearsals because she had been watching Wimbledon.
‘When she did finally show, she shouted at her dancers and insisted chairs were moved around for her,’ the source says.
‘She kept snapping at people that everything had to be exactly right. She was acting like a real diva.’
However, she’s got some way to go until she catches up with Mariah Carey, queen of the divas.
According to the Star, whenever she visits the gynaecologist, she insists that all other appointments that day are cancelled.
‘Apparently, Mariah doesn’t want to run into mere mortals in the waiting room,’ the paper says.
‘
Dirty Money
‘IF the love of money is the root of evil, then the Lottery has been responsible for more than its fair share of unhappiness.
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| ‘You look like a million dollars’ |
This morning, the Sun tells how car salesman Peter Martin left his wife to move in with new love Jackie King – ‘who just happens to be a £14 million lottery winner’.
The father-of-three fell for the millionaires when she came into his showroom to splash out on, er, a Ford Focus.
Jackie herself was married when she won the fourth largest jackpot of all time, but divorced husband Mick soon after.
Meanwhile, 16-year-old Callie Rogers is finding out that life as a lottery millionaires is not all sweetness and light.
No sooner had she got her hands on the cheque, then an ex-lover of her boyfriend Gary Fidler was on the phone to the papers claiming that Gary was a love cheat.
Single mum Leona McTear said Gary had pledged undying love via text message just days before Callie’s jackpot win.
But the 25-year-old is quick to claim in this morning’s Express that he is not in it for the money.
‘She can burn the lot tomorrow as far as I’m concerned,’ he tells the paper. ‘I don’t want to see a penny of it.’
But Callie’s ex-boyfriend Shane Collier is less happy, telling the Mail that he is gutted that he dumped the teenager just before she won £1.8m.
‘It took me several days to come to terms with it,’ he says, ‘and I am only just beginning to recover now.
‘She’s a good lass with a sensible head and I don’t think she’ll squander it. I hope it brings her happiness.’
Sadly, history suggests otherwise…
‘
Australia And Bust
‘SUN Page 3 photographer Beverley Goodway is retiring after a career spanning 33 years and, by the paper’s estimation, 25,000 boobs.
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| Booby trapped |
‘I must be one of the few men who can honestly say I’ve seen more naked girls in the flesh than I’ve eaten hot dinners,’ says the 60-year-old father-of-two.
Big Brother’s Gos is one man who looks as if he has eaten a lot more hot dinners than he’s seen naked girls.
But had Anouska stayed in the house a little longer, the fat chef might have redressed the balance a bit.
The Sun shows the 20-year-old, who was evicted from the UK Big Brother house after the first week, flashing the flesh in the Australian Big Brother house.
And while Gos salivates over the pictures from Down Under, there is one person who is not so pleased – Anouska’s mum, Ravinia.
She tells the Express that the producers of the Aussie show are exploiting her daughter by feeding her too much alcohol after she took part in a booze-fuelled topless romp in the Jacuzzi.
‘I am horrified,’ her mum says. ‘She will regret this for the rest of her life.’
Or at least for the next two weeks, while anyone still remembers who she is.
‘
Murder On The Dancefloor
‘WHEN Ayatollah Khomeini issued his fatwa against Salman Rushdie he did not specify how he wanted the author of the Satanic Verses killed.
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| The Devil can’t dance |
Would Rushdie be blown to smithereens or, perhaps, fall victim to something more dastardly, like being trapped in the Big Brother House?
And then came Padma Lakshmi. There is no suggestion that the leggy 32-year-old Indian actress is a member of some Iranian hit squad, but the pictures of her dancing with boyfriend Salman have dealt a fatal blow to his credibility.
The Mail was at the fundraising event at London’s Serpentine Gallery, where, triggered by hearing the first bar of Sophie Ellis Bextor’s Murder On The Dancefloor, Padma took her man for a spin.
There then follows death by a thousand dance steps, all of them with Salman’s left feet.
The Mirror manages to get even closer to the action. The paper sees Padma cock a leg around Rushdie’s thigh. Rushdie responds with a move beloved of all men with no rhythm and bites down hard on his bottom lip.
She rubs up close, executing a silky pelvis thrust. Rushdie does likewise, but feeling his stomach in the way, simply drops his hands by his sides and smiles.
Looking for salvation, he spots the camera. Salman looks up for some kind of help. But the Mirror’s cameraman just snaps even more. Nothing can save him.
Next week, a final blow is delivered when Salman is pictured on a French beach in a leopard-print thong.
‘
Di Another Day
‘WHAT happened to Princess Diana when she died? No, after she was taken to that French hospital.
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| Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a white Fiat Uno… |
‘She went to Heaven?’ Possibly. ‘She went to Harvey Nichols?’ Nice guess, but no tiara. ‘She didn’t die, it’s a trick question. She lives on in our hearts like a beacon of love and niceness.’
Partly right and partly utterly wrong.
The Princess of Shops did live on – she was brought back to life in the pages of Marvel Comics as a mutant superhero who battles evil.
The Sun has a picture from Di Another Day, the story featuring Di in its X-Statix comic book series.
Diana is dressed in a pink dress, stockings and high heels, and seen vaulting the head of a large fat demon. Di lives.
It’s all so unexpected – which is nothing like the much-expected reactions of good and decent people, who find the whole thing disgusting, revolting and, most probably, sacrilegious.
The Sun says that the comic has been branded ‘sick’ and ‘tasteless’. A comic expert arrives to say: ‘Most people think it is in incredibly bad taste.’
‘It’s just sick,’ says another.
And so very wrong to portray Diana as a superhero. For one thing, the Princess would never be caught dead in Spandex…
‘
Harry Hates Charles
‘ANY hopes that Prince Charles had of filling the void left by Diana and being Prince of Hearts have vanished with today’s news.
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| ‘He said I had James Hewitt’s hair and teeth,’ says an upset Harry |
The simple truth is that children, the little loves who so adored his wife, hate him.
Take their spokesman, three-year-old Henry, who is seen in the Express balling his eyes out at the sight of the old plant fancier.
‘I don’t like Prince Charles,’ blurted out Harry between sobs, as the Prince prepared to make a speech during a visit to Eagle House School, Sandhurst, Berkshire.
The Mail has a colour picture of little Harry, his cheeks flushed red, his eyes raw with tears of real loathing.
But good old Charles dashed over, scooped the lad up in this arms and all was well again.
Of course, he didn’t. He merely smirked, fiddled with his cuffs and supplied the odd retort: ‘I’m so glad I can have that effect at my age.’
Anyone who doesn’t understand what Charles means should know that the last time schoolchildren said they disliked him was when he was one of them.
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Fragrant Abby
‘ABBY Titmuss is fast becoming John Leslie’s Mary Archer.
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| John and Abby go a-courting |
At the TV presenter’s forthcoming trial for indecent assault, we will be expecting the judge to launch into a Mr Justice Caulfield-like paean to the star’s girlfriend.
‘Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Would she have, without the strain of this trial, radiance? Has she been able to enjoy, rather than endure, her boyfriend John?’
That day may still be months ago, but yesterday Leslie made his first appearance in court to answer the charges and indicated that he would be pleading ‘not guilty’ to both.
And the Sun, for one, seems to have had eyes only for 28-year-old Abby as it talked about the ‘unstinting devotion’ of 38-year-old Leslie’s ‘one shining light’.
‘Immaculate in black cropped trousers, a dark, frilled shirt and black heels, her face a perfect mask of carefully-applied make-up, Abby had clearly made an effort to seem a tower of strength by her boyfriend’s side,’ the paper says.
‘Her teeth nibbled her bottom lip, chewing off a layer of lipstick, and her hands nervously fiddled again and again with the heavy necklace around her neck.’
And then as suddenly as she had appeared, she was gone, whisked away in a waft of fragrance, a flash of radiance and a silver Alfa Romeo…
‘
A Right Charlie
‘FORMER Hollyoaks actor Paul Danan is one of Charlie’s Angels star Cameron Diaz’s closest friends.
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| ‘Hi, Paul!’ |
Paul who, you ask. And do did Cameron when the 25-year-old tried to get a word with her at the premiere of her latest film.
The Mirror says Danan claims to know the actress through mutual friends he met last year in his bid to crack Hollywood.
‘But it was obvious that the blonde beauty had no recollection of their amazing friendship,’ says the paper, ‘as she ignored him throughout the event.
Worse, a security guard was assigned to keep an eye on Danan, whom Hollyoaks fans might recall once hammed it up as Sol Patrick in the teen soap.
‘He briefly grabbed hold of her arm in the lobby when she arrived and was so overwhelmed he appeared to be almost in tears,’ a film source said.
‘We are paid to look after Hollywood stars and can’t afford to let strangers get near them. If Cameron had recognised him, she would have said ‘hello’, wouldn’t she?’
Or perhaps Cameron is now so big for her boots that she doesn’t care to remember her old mates…’
Son Of Ted
‘THERE’S only one person in history more famous on crosses than David Beckham and that’s Jesus – but even the Son Of God might have struggled to draw the same crowd as Becks yesterday.
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| ‘Throw away your crutches and walk!’ |
Two billion people apparently tuned in to watch the 28-year-old England captain being paraded in his new No.23 Real Madrid top.
And thousands flocked to the club’s training ground to catch a glimpse of the club’s new signing.
No wonder both the Sun and the Star use religious terminology to describe the scenes.
The Sun salutes the ‘Messiah Of Madrid’ and says Beckham was treated ‘like a god’ on his first day at his new club.
The Star describes him as a ‘football god’ and says his new disciples were in heaven as they stretched their hands through a wire fence to try to touch the man himself.
If we thought Beckhamania was a purely English disease, the scenes in Madrid confirm that it is fast becoming a global epidemic.
Ask 10-year-old Alfonso Lopez Iniguez, who managed to evade security guards and fling himself into his hero’s arms, becoming the recipient of the world’s first Real Madrid Beckham replica shirt for his trouble.
His mother Lorenza tells the Star: ‘David has made my son the happiest boy on the planet.’
And Alfonso himself explains: ‘I just wanted to get near to David and touch him – but when he hugged me back I asked him for his shirt.
‘The only time I’m going to take it off now is when I go swimming.’
But why worry about getting the shirt wet? Surely, from now on Alfonso will find it easier to emulate his hero and walk across the pool…
‘
TV Times
‘CHILDREN in Albania and Peru spend more time reading books than British nippers.
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| Michael Barrymore counts his audience |
What is a shock to the Mail is little surprise to the rest of us who own the magic box called television.
Perhaps another survey should be conducted by the OECD and Unesco, this time asking the question: ‘Why do British children read anything at all when they’ve got a TV?’
One answer could be that the papers are full of news about TV stars. You need to read them to know what’s what on the box.
The Star leads with news that Victoria Beckham has landed a role in hit US TV show Will and Grace. She will appear in what is now known in the business as a cameo role, and used to be known as a walk-on part.
‘A small part suits me down to the ground,’ says Posh, who has yet to realise that her role as a talking toothpick will not guarantee her star billing.
Meanwhile, the Mirror says that Michael Barrymore is suing LWT, the TV company that dropped him after the inquest into the death of a man in his swimming pool.
For those who want to see Michael before his day in court, there is the chance to buy tickets for his one-man show, which begins in London in September.
The one man, who wishes to remain anonymous and is not believed to be Stuart Lubbock, will probably be the same loner who went to see Les Dennis’ own solo stage show.
News in the Sun is that Les has been forced to cancel a performance in his home town of Liverpool after ‘less than 30 tickets’ were sold. How many less is not known – perhaps it’s 30 less.
But Les is not upset and a spokesman says that the show was cancelled because the estranged Mr Amanda Holden has been offered TV work that ‘is too big to turn down’.
And we wish Les luck in his new TV job as the ‘world’s oldest ball boy’ at Wimbledon. Watch yer back, Les…
‘
Drinks All Round!
‘CALLING Alastair Stewart unctuous is like calling him syrupy, crawling, slimy, oily, greasy and plain old revolting. Each word is as appropriate as the next.
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| ‘Who’s this idiot walking out of court?’ |
And so it is with no hint of anything less than total pleasure that we read of his downfall. Yes, folks, the man who presents the TV show about bad drivers has been banned from driving after being found guilty of drink-driving.
As the Sun announces: ‘Every week on Police, Camera, Action we bring you pictures of disgraceful driving. Today let’s take a look at this idiot, who crashed a powerful Merc while three times the limit…’
Now to go with his many other sobriquets, we, like the Sun, can call this menace on the roads ‘Hypocrite Alastair’.
Over in the Mail, Hypocrite Alastair is seen dressed in the official Police, Camera, Action luminous police-style vest. Which makes him easy to spot.
So if you ever see Alastair taking a drink before getting into his car over the next 30 months – the length of his ban – immediately tell the police.
The sooner we put him behind bars, the safer we’ll all be…
‘
Cliff Hanging
‘TAKING a leaf out of Nell McAndrew and Dale Winton’s book of marital love, Cilla Black can be seen in the Mail converting a man of her own.
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| ‘Cilla doesn’t live here anymore…’ |
There in broad daylight, seated in the Wimbledon royal box, is our Cilla rubbing up close with Sir Cliff Richard. Can love be in the air?
If making each other laugh is a prerequisite for a happy romance, then Cilla and Cliff are enraptured with each other. Indeed, if laughter is an aphrodisiac, it’s no wonder we love Cliff like we do.
Looking at the Mail’s picture of Cliff, you just find the corners of your mouth turning up and laughter gurgling in your throat.
How does he do it? Well, let’s start by taking a look at the jacket he’s wearing.
It’s a ‘black-and white diamond-pattern jacket’ of the type favoured by a lonely middle-aged Nigerian mini cab driver on a big night out in Hull. Accompanying this horror is a blue and white spotted tie.
Cliff looks like a colour-blind matador. Or should that be the bull, judging by the way he’s chasing Cilla…
‘
Two-Faced Mary
‘WHEN Mr Justice Caulfield uttered the line ‘Is she not fragrant?’ when confronted with Mary Archer in 1987, many saw his question as rhetorical.
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| ‘I managed to get rid of one wrinkled old face…’ |
But now we know that Archer is a woman of rare odour, and the smell wafting off her elegant frame is a demure blend of formaldehyde, shepherd’s pie and Hospital Ward ’97.
After years of wondering, the truth is out – Mary Archer underwent surgery to her face in 1997 and 1998.
The fact not released in the Express’ report on ‘snooty’ Lady Archer’s facelift is that the operation might have been carried out by her husband, Lord Jeffery Archer, whose work in World War II pretty much created modern surgical procedures.
Most likely, modest Jeffrey wanted the entire episode kept under wraps (much like his wife and her face), but someone squealed.
And yesterday the High Court heard Lady Archer accuse her former PA, Jane Williams, of leaking the information – a claim Williams denies.
‘Jane wishes me harm. I do not deserve to have this served up on a platter with a sauce of malice by a disaffected former employee,’ said Lady Archer, as reported by the Mail.
And when asked by Williams’ counsel if the story of her face stretch was true, she was no less strident.
‘I find it so distasteful,’ she said, her mouth stretched into a grimace. ‘Accurate or not I object to the disclosure of private information.’
So to save her, er, face, let’s not mention her husband’s work with wayward women, his selfless incarceration to investigate the appalling conditions of British prisons and his private study into whether or not perjury is an unequivocal path to eternal damnation.
‘
Bard Girl
‘ONE other woman who is undergoing her own ‘trials’ is Tracy Shaw.
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| Tracy in the shower scene from Macbeth |
The ‘trials of Tracy’ are known to many, but out of sheer professionalism and not spite, the Express dedicates an entire double page to the woman who has fashioned an acting career out of her ability to take her clothes off.
The reason for this feature on Britain’s favourite quick-change artiste is that Tracy has just pulled out of a theatre production.
Beneath a picture of Tracy with her top about to fall off, the Mirror says that ‘troubled’ Tracy has quit an open-air Shakespeare production due to ill health.
This mystery illness is manifest in her short-term memory loss. One insider on the show says she turned up late for rehearsals in a ‘bit of a mess’.
‘The actors were getting very impatient because she just could not remember her lines,’ says the source. ‘She clearly has some serious problems.’
And one of the those ‘problems’ is alluded to by the show’s producer, who says he is unsure whether ‘she is or isn’t drinking’.
But best hear from the woman herself. Tracy says she’s ‘extremely disappointed’ to have let down the theatre company, and that ‘exhaustion would leave me unable to give the performance that I…and the audience would expect of me.’
A stand-in will now play Tracy’s role, and has been dropping her clothes in readiness for the break of lifetime.
‘
Aaron A G-String
‘A PERFORMER who could reprise the roles of Tracy Shaw is Aaron Barschak, who is seen in the Mirror trying on a collection of dashing gowns.
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| Aaron shows off a Karl Lagerfeld peach number with comedy beard |
Able to change into and, vitally, out of a dress in seconds, the so-called Comedy Terrorist begins his audition for the Tracy Shaw Experience.
But what to wear? Helping him to decide are the Mirror’s insipid 3am Girls, who pick out four outfits fit for a Prince’s birthday.
‘I fell in love with this dress,’ says Barschak of a pink two-piece. ‘I couldn’t fail to score in this one,’ he says of a corset.
‘The Lycra clings to my curves and shows off my bum perfectly,’ is the verdict on a black dress, a ‘wardrobe staple’.
Meanwhile, the Sun shows Barschak dressed up as in a Guard’s uniform, equipped with red tunic, tailored trousers and bearskin.
That’s not the bare skin worn by Tracy Shaw, but a huge hairy hat sat atop his head.
‘
The Prince Is A Pauper
”IF a rich man makes a lot of money,’ says the Prince Charles lackey to the Mirror, ‘he buys a flashy car, a yacht, racehorses, buys into a football club and has a string of young delightful girls.
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| An old boat to go with Charles’ old car |
‘The Prince of Wales doesn’t have any of those things. He only has one Aston Martin and that’s old [made 1969]. He doesn’t collect art. He doesn’t own a house.’
And you can just as easily add to that list how he lives in his granny’s old digs, dates a woman old enough to know better and has to make his own art with no more than weak watercolours and a used toothbrush.
He is a confirmed landlubber since his mum was robbed of the family yacht and the only football team he owns is a Subbuteo select XI from 1975.
He does, though, as the Mail reminds us all, own at least 16 polo ponies and a few hunting horses. So, is he really so hard up?
Like the Mail and Mirror, we have seen the Prince’s accounts and have noted that last year Charles spent £843,000 on entertaining and £45,000 on gifts.
He lashed out a further £189,000 on travel and £160,000 on residences and offices.
He has an army of 91 staff, whose number includes 17 domestics, broken down as one Private Secretary, three chefs, two butlers, two chauffeurs, a valet, a gardener, five housekeepers and managers, a toothpaste squeezer and a plant language translator.
And, most refreshingly, his mum still does his washing.
‘
Honest John
‘GOOD to see that John Prescott is sticking with his grand design for an integrated transport policy.
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| ‘I wanted to get a tandem, but the wife says the helmet spoils her hair’ |
The Sun watches as Prezza parts with one of his beloved Jags – only to replace it with another moments later.
‘I traded in my old XJ6 in part-exchange – so you can’t call me three Jags,’ says a proud Prescott.
No, two large saloon cars is enough for any man to take his message of improved railways and non-fossil fuels to the country.
Not that Prezza is working all the time, and he’s taken time out to tell us how great his new car is. ‘It’s a pleasure to drive. I’m hoping for many years of happy motoring out of it.’
And just as soon as petrol becomes more expensive than gold, or a cheap-day return, and congestion charging and all other measures to keep cars off the road take hold, Prezza will have his dream realised – all those new shiny roads just for him.
‘
Time And Motion
‘YOU can tell a lot about a man by the kind of vehicle he drives. Prince Charles is frugal (see Aston Martin) and John Prescott is a railways enthusiast (see Jaguars).
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| ‘Look out! Maniac!!!’ |
So what about Stephen Hawking?
The Sun sees the ‘genius’ professor, whose work A Brief History of Time has sat unopened on coffee tables throughout the land, sat in his wheelchair.
Sadly, Jim Carrey the rubber-faced comedian of the Hale And Pace School Of Laughs did not notice the Prof and managed to get his foot run over.
The two are said by the paper to be good friends, a situation which led to Carrey popping into the Prof’s Cambridge home when he was in the country.
They posed for pictures, and then Hawking ran over the actor’s foot.
And he makes a habit of it. ‘We’ve all had our feet run over by the professor,’ says Hawking’s secretary, Karen Sime. ‘You quickly learn to jump out of the way!’
Although, given Hawking’s knowledge of time and space, he’s one step ahead of you. Makes you wonder whether it’s as accidental as it seems?
‘
Vicki Says Maybe Baby
‘TAKE a tip from me: if you’re having trouble conceiving, move to Walford. There must be something in the water down there as every woman who has sex once gets pregnant. First there was Michelle, then Sonia, then Laura and now Vicki’s the latest miracle of fertility.
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| ”Hurry up, dad!” |
Vicki is pregnant after a one-night stand (or rather five-minute lie-down) with Spencer in a snooker hall. She’s sensibly decided to have a termination but Sharon has other ideas. Sharon confided in her that after a botched abortion, she can never have kids.
”Don’t make the same mistake I did, Vicki,” she sobbed over Pauline’s kitchen table. Vicki remained unmoved though, so Sharon decided to offer her £10,000 to have the baby. That’s a heck of a lot more than the Kilshaws paid – and they got two.
Over at the Vic, Alfie was doing his best to prevent the pattering of tiny feet (or hooves in the case of him and Kat) by going on a midnight run to find a condom.
Kat finally confessed to him that she’d started to fancy him. ”I’m crazy abaht yer,” she told him, after turning up on his doorstep at midnight. ”I’m yours if yer want me.”
Like any right-thinking man, he led Kat upstairs and then legged it out the Vic. Unfortunately for him – and us – he’d only gone as far as the chemist to get some condoms.
There then followed an excruciating episode on the trails of Alfie Moon as he tried unsuccessfully to get a condom, witnessing a robbery in a convenience store, falling into the river and getting arrested.
He ended up bumping into an old tramp – masterfully played by Cherie Booth’s father Tony – who happened to have a spare rubber.
”I may be old, but I’m still always careful,” he told Alfie. If only he’d been so careful in real life, eh?
‘
Knock Down Ginger
‘TO ginger, speccy and cradle-snatching, we can now add lying, drunken, arrogant, conniving, insecure, childish and petulant. And £35m poorer.
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| How many eyes? |
That at least was the verdict of Mr Justice Lightman, the judge who presided over Chris Evans’ attempt to sue Virgin Radio for £8.6m he claimed he was owed.
Evans was claiming unfair dismissal after being sacked from the station for not turning up to work and going on a massive drinking binge instead.
After yesterday’s ruling, it is likely to go down as the most expensive boozing session in history, with the final bill likely to be around £35m.
That is the Sun’s estimate, based on a £4m legal bill, the £20m Virgin are claiming Evans cost them by his outrageous behaviour and the £9m in share options he lost when he was sacked.
Not that Evans looked bothered when he emerged from the pub last night after downing six pints.
”I’m disappointed but philosophical,” he said.
And the philosophy came courtesy of a quote from explorer David Livingstone: ”All will come out right at last – have we such faith in the goodness of Providence.”
The Express, however, has its doubts about that saying that, while for so long everything Evans touched turned to gold, now he has the King Midas touch in reverse.
”While some regard him as a brilliant maverick with an eye for the next big idea,” it says, ”others dismiss him as an egomaniac and control freak known to humiliate rivals and colleagues alike.”
Oh, and did we mention that he is also ginger and speccy?
‘
Fallen Angels
‘DEMI Moore has had so many lifts and tucks that even her clothes are confused.
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| With her face and shoulders done, Demi’s skin iron horribly ran out of steam |
Last night she turned up to a premiere of Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle with a dress which, the Mail says, ”was cut so low it was almost a skirt”.
”Several inches of lacy bra were on show,” the paper says disapprovingly (below a picture of the several inches of lacy bra in question).
The reason for the mix-up is quite simple – the dress in question was clearly designed for Demi’s old body, the one with the breasts that used to swing around her waist.
But these days Demi’s body laughs in the face of gravity, her skin stretched tighter than a snare drum.
”For 40-year-old Miss Moore,” the Mail says, ”the event was clearly a chance to show off the £250,000 of cosmetic surgery she is said to have undergone since splitting from husband Bruce Willis in 1998.”
For Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore, it was a chance to get drunk.
The paper shows the two walking to the pre-show party in New York’s Trump Plaza carrying what it describes as a near-empty bottle of champagne.
”That was a direct flouting of New York laws, which ban drinking in the street and say that all bottles must be concealed in brown paper bags,” it says.
And an unnamed – and almost certainly imaginary – onlooker is up in arms.
”They were clearly drunk and not that steady on their feet, although they looked like they were having a good time,” he or she tells the paper.
”They have got a lot of young fans – Cameron especially is popular after lending her voice to Princess Fiona in Shrek – and it definitely doesn’t set a good example to them.”
Indeed, not. Now they will all be wanting to get pissed on vintage champagne rather than their normal concoction of Bacardi Breezer and Red Bull.
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Rear Admirable
‘ONCE may be luck, twice could be coincidence, but three times shows higher forces are at work.
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| Ashley is still making some noise |
We’re not talking about Sir Roy Meadow’s law about cot deaths here, but about American tennis star Ashley Harkleroad’s bum, which this morning makes its third appearance in as many days in the Star.
Like the Cheshire Cat in Alice In Wonderland, the 18-year-old’s Lycra-encased derriere remains long after the rest of her departed, beaten by Maria Sharapova in the first round of the ladies singles.
The excuse for publishing the picture again today is by way of illustration of a text message sent to the Star by Pagey, one of its more literate readers.
”WOT A LOVELY BOTTOM ASHLEY HARKLEROAD HAS. IT’S PERFECT,” he writes.
No doubt, as we speak, Pagey is busy studying Page 5 of today’s paper where Big Brother contestant Tania bends over and shows off her ”shapely rear”.
We look forward to his assessment tomorrow.
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Star Pupil
‘BRITNEY Spears unzips her catsuit and opens her heart to the world this morning, revealing that she did dabble in drugs but didn’t dabble in lesbianism.
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| And 100% of 0 is what, Jodie? |
She still loves Justin Timberlake, didn’t sleep with Fred Durst, only had a peck with Colin Farrell and wants to marry someone like Tom Hanks.
”He’s so nice, he’s the best father, a lovely, family man,” says Britney (who has clearly watched Sleepless In Seattle a few too many times).
”Someone like him, or Brad Pitt. Brad probably more. Yeah.”
While Britney is metaphorically ”laid bare” in the Sun, another former virgin Jodie Marsh is literally laid bare in the Star.
And the reason is that the 24-year-old Essex Wives sexpot wants to give every Star reader a thank-you smacker after beating rival Jordan in the paper’s popularity poll.
”I’d like to thank all Daily Star readers for having such good taste,” she says. ”They obviously know a winner when they see one.
”If I could, I’d give each and every one of them a kiss.”
Presumably, that includes the 45% who voted for Jordan…
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Wind Of Change
‘BEANZ meanz Heinz and, as we all know only too well, Heinz beanz meanz only one thing – er, wind.
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| Full-fart beans |
But no longer. According to the Mail, researchers in Venezuela claim to have found the Holy Grail of the haricot world – the flatulence-free baked bean.
”Of course, food purists might see it as the slippery slope to blandness, in the manner of odourless garlic and alcohol free beer,” says the paper.
”But, for the quarter of the population who avoid beans because of their not-so-polite potential, it could be a dietary delight.”
And now for the science bit. Flatulence is apparently caused by bacteria in the large intestine reacting with substances in beans called alpha galactosides and soluble dietary fibre.
But if the beans are fermented before being canned, the culprits can be weeded out before they have a chance to practise their black arts.
However, not everyone is convinced that they want to live in a fart-free world.
”Flatulence is an important indicator of a healthy gut system,” says Dr Glenn Gibson, a microbiologist at Reading University.
”It’s only a social problem. You need to expel gas to ensure your gut is functioning properly.”
Yes, but why do people always have to check if their guts are healthy in a crowded lift? ‘
