Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Wind Of Change
‘BEANZ meanz Heinz and, as we all know only too well, Heinz beanz meanz only one thing – er, wind.
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| Full-fart beans |
But no longer. According to the Mail, researchers in Venezuela claim to have found the Holy Grail of the haricot world – the flatulence-free baked bean.
”Of course, food purists might see it as the slippery slope to blandness, in the manner of odourless garlic and alcohol free beer,” says the paper.
”But, for the quarter of the population who avoid beans because of their not-so-polite potential, it could be a dietary delight.”
And now for the science bit. Flatulence is apparently caused by bacteria in the large intestine reacting with substances in beans called alpha galactosides and soluble dietary fibre.
But if the beans are fermented before being canned, the culprits can be weeded out before they have a chance to practise their black arts.
However, not everyone is convinced that they want to live in a fart-free world.
”Flatulence is an important indicator of a healthy gut system,” says Dr Glenn Gibson, a microbiologist at Reading University.
”It’s only a social problem. You need to expel gas to ensure your gut is functioning properly.”
Yes, but why do people always have to check if their guts are healthy in a crowded lift? ‘
Top-Heavy Support
‘THERE is nothing pretty, sweet or pinkish about either of the babes involved in the battle to be Britain’s top party girl – Jordan and Jodie Marsh.
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| ”Look – I don’t go out in a bra and knickers” |
Having spent the past couple of weeks slagging each other off, they have now dragged others into their spat.
Glamour girl Leilani, for instance, tells this morning’s Star that she is embarrassed being a Page 3 girl when she sees some of the outfits Jodie goes out in.
”It’s just awful that people who work so hard in our profession should have to be linked with a publicity-seeking wannabe whose sole aim is to land a celebrity boyfriend,” she fumes.
”She shouldn’t even really be called a Page 3 girl – people like me and Jordan and the other girls put in a lot. Glamour modelling is our career.”
Jordan also receives the backing of Julie Burchill in the Sun, who claims that ”in the space of five years Jordan has changed from being a thick, dead-eyed sex zombie to a bona fide beauty, a real personality and even a role model of sorts”.
Jodie, on the other hand, ”may not be sad and desperate, but she’s nothing to write home about either”.
”She has a distinct case of split-personality when it comes to Jordan,” says Burchill, ”one minute saying ‘I always wanted to be someone major like Jordan’ and the next ‘I’ve got much more style than Jordan. I don’t got out in a bra and knickers’.”
No, you go out in a belt and knickers…
‘
Wonderbra Burner
‘BYE-BYE Boys! Another great British institution is under attack from those pesky Johnny Foreigners in Brussels – sexism.
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| …except ruin everyone’s fun |
That’s right, not only will adverts like the famous Wonderbra adverts soon be a thing of the past, but so will the whole basis of British humour.
And the Mail and the Sun are outraged at the prospect of our being banned from watching Carry On films because the EU Social Affairs Commissioner Anna Diamantopoulou doesn’t find them funny.
The Sun warns that programmes such as Footballers’ Wives and Men Behaving Badly could be forced off air if it is decided that they stereotype women or even men.
And the Mail suggests that courts could even intervene to insist that there were more male nurses in Holby City or that there are more women toiling in the fields in The Archers.
Worse could follow – for every picture in the paper of a woman tennis player’s knickers, we will have to see Tim Henman in his Y-fronts.
And it won’t be long before Britain’s top party girl is a bloke.
‘
What A Cheek!
‘WIMBLEDON started in earnest yesterday when not only did Tiger Tim open his campaign but we got the first gratuitous knickers shot of this year’s championship.
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| Pretty and sweet and pinkish |
The wearer of the knickers in question is Ashley Harkleroad, an 18-year-old American who, despite losing in straight sets to Maria Sharapova in the Battle Of The Babes, makes the front page of this morning’s Star.
Harkleroad, says the paper, has been dubbed ”Kourna-Copy” because of her resemblance to a certain absent Russian player and, with a 2-6, 1-6 scoreline, it’s clear the resemblance is not just physical.
But she has at least inspired the Star to run its first Wimbledon competition of the year, inviting readers to match 10 famous tennis bottoms with their owners.
”These sizzling smashers really know how to turn up the heat on the centre court,” says the paper, dusting down the puns from last year.
”With their athletic frames and barely-there outfits, it’s definitely an ace every time thanks to these gorgeous gals.”
Even the newly-serious Mirror can’t help itself as it looks up Harkleroad’s skirt (or, at least, what passes for a skirt) and cries: ”It was never Lycra this in the old days.”
”Her hot pants,” it says wistfully, ”are certainly a far cry from the frumpy knickers of Wimbledon’s past.
”Few fans were complaining, however, as gorgeous Ashley did battle on court two.”
Clearly, the Mirror had not been talking to the same people as the Express, whose headline, ”Bot A Disgrace”, says it all.
”It was very distracting and nobody seemed to be watching the tennis,” an onlooker tells the paper. ”It’s not really what we want at Wimbledon.”
Words that Harkleroad’s conqueror, 16-year-old Russian model Maria Sharapova echoes in the Sun. ”It’s not just about going out there and being pretty, sweet and pinkish,” she says.
Tell that to the Star, Maria.
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I Capture The Castle
‘BRITNEY Spears never managed it, but the ”comedy terrorist” who gatecrashed Prince William’s 21st birthday party dressed as Osama Bin Laden did.
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| Wills’ new love? |
Aaron Barschak this morning boasts that he gave the future king not one, but two, kisses after grabbing his mike and serenading him.
”I stepped forward, gave him a kiss on both cheeks, shouted ‘We all love you’ and left the stage to rapturous applause,” he tells the Mirror.
Far from being manhandled off stage by police officers, Barschak claims that he walked out of the room to applause and went to the bar to ask for a glass of champagne.
It was only when Prince Charles’s ex-toothpaste squeezer Sir Michael Fawcett came into the bar and didn’t recognise Barschak that security staff were alerted.
The 36-year-old intruder claims it was easy to blag his way past the 50 police officers who were supposed to be providing security for the party.
And it seems it was just as easy to con the newspapers, with both the Mirror and the Mail this morning publishing world exclusive interviews with the hoaxer.
But, while Barschak revels in his new-found celebrity, the policeman who escorted him into the party faces the sack.
A former Royal cop says the copper ”is not fit to direct traffic in Chiswick” – clearly a serious insult among the boys in blue.
”I have seen this fake Bin Laden in the flesh and he looks a complete idiot,” he says. ”I know everyone was in fancy dress, but the officer should have been suspicious.”
However, another ex-Royal cop tells the Sun that this was an accident waiting to happen, claiming that officers assigned to protect the Royals spend most of their time boozing, sleeping and womanising.
At least, they must blend in perfectly with other members of the Royal household.
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All Greek To Us
‘THE papers are still trying to digest the thought that, had the intruder been a proper terrorist, Prince Edward could be king today.
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| ‘God save our gracious Queen…’ |
The Sun has a mock-up picture of Eddie in his coronation outfit, while the Mirror imagines what the reign of King Edward IX would be like.
We will not go down that route, but suffice it to say that stories like the one on the front page of the Express would likely be a thing of the past.
It claims that only an eleventh-hour intervention prevented highly sensitive pictures being published of ‘an extremely senior Royal’ caught on camera by KGB spies.
The pictures were contained in a dossier of Cold War espionage operations and were set to be revealed to the world when Russian secret services swooped on a house in Moscow.
‘The dossier allegedly contained private pictures of a senior member of the family before and after his marriage,’ the Express says.
‘Some of the pictures concern the activities of the Thursday Club, a boisterous group to which he belonged.
‘It met for boozy lunches in London’s Soho with attractive young women often attending.’
There’s nothing like a good souvlaki washed down by ouzo, is there?
‘
What A Gae!
‘AFRICAN Big Brother viewers are going to be very disappointed by the arrival of Cameron, especially after the Scottish prude was hyped as a girl-chasing party animal.
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| Tears as Tania finds an eyelash in the wrong place |
One paper there described him as a ”pantie-pulling, party-loving flirt”, claiming that he had soaped down a topless Anouska and got frisky with yoga nut Nush.
All of which will come as news to his former housemates over here – and, according to the Sun, it has not taken long for his new housemates to rumble him.
”It didn’t take long for the novelty to wear value to wear off,” said an insider.
”They are an incredibly frank and noisy bunch and he is going to have to find something interesting to say or he will get ignored.”
Meanwhile, his replacement Gaetano has been making an instant impression in the UK house, with the Star front page claiming: ”Nush Wants Gae Sex.”
The paper claims that the 31-year-old is hung like a horse and ”has won an army of female fans on the African version of the show by flashing his amazing weapon in the shower”.
Meanwhile, the most interesting thing on the British show is watching Tania pluck her eyebrows for the 73rd time that day…’
The Gatecrasher Ball
‘NO wonder Prince William is said to be furious that comic terrorist Aaron Barschak managed to gatecrash his 21st birthday party dressed as Osama Bin Laden in drag.
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| Despite missing her facial, Tara was determined to enjoy the party |
The theme for the night was Out Of Africa and the joker, who managed to evade 50 police officers to hijack the event, had made little effort to fit in with it.
He did, however, do a pretty good job of blagging his way through a £2m security system to get on stage and grab the mike from the guest of honour.
The Sun says that not only did he get past 50 cops, many of them armed, but he managed to evade dozens of CCTV cameras, night-vision surveillance equipment and hidden pressure pads.
And he did it by the old trick of convincing Royalty protection officers that he was part of the entertainment.
”The Queen and Prince Philip laughed, thinking it was part of the fun,” says the Sun.
”Minders only realised something was wrong as Wills, dressed as Tarzan in a loincloth, began signalling.”
Creatures from all over Windsor Safari Park responded to Wills’ call and Barshak was eventually arrested.
But the Mail says the Queen is ”livid” at this glaring breach in security.
”Among the Royal Family, there was a sense of shock that the intruder could have been a terrorist rather than a harmless publicity seeker,” it says.
A Royal aide warns: ”If he had been a suicide bomber, he could have killed three generations of the Royal Family. The monarchy would have been wiped out.”
Not quite – a glance in the Mirror reassures us that, had Barshak been a suicide bomber, we would still have a monarchy this morning.
And we would now all be singing God Save The King to King Edward IX and Queen Sophie.
It really doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?
‘
Mauled By Droopy
‘STICKS and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.
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| Deputy Dawg |
However, in the absence of sticks and stones, pin-ups Jordan and Jodie Marsh continue to trade insults in this morning’s red-tops.
The issue seems to be about which of the two is the biggest tramp, although we’re not quite sure whether that is a desirable state or not.
At the weekend, 25-year-old Jordan accused Jodie of having a nose like a builder’s elbow and being ”without class, brains or boobs”.
And she really got her claws out, says the Sun, over revelations that Jodie gives part of her earnings away to Battersea Dogs’ Home.
”You’re nowhere near my earning league,” Jordan said. ”But I thought it was sweet to donate the tiny amount you do get to the Battersea Dogs’ Home. Hounds should stick together.”
However, Jodie was quick to get her own back, getting a pal to write REAL! across her exposed cleavage in a dig at Jordan’s surgically-enhanced 36FF monsters.
”Jordan is just a tramp,” she tells the Star. ”I never said I wanted to be the next Jordan. I said I wanted to be bigger than Jordan.”
Given that the already pneumatic Jordan is rumoured to be about to have her fourth boob job, that is indeed a far-fetched, albeit noble, ambition.
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The Burghers Of Tokyo
‘DAVID Beckham told his fans in Japan that he loves their national dish, sushi – and he has demonstrated this love by ordering burger and chips three times in his four-day stay.
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| ”Does it come with an apple pie?” |
The England skipper even said that California rolls were his favourite, according to the Mirror.
But on his first day in the country, he claimed he couldn’t get sushi in his hotel and had to order a cheeseburger and chips instead.
The next day, having again declared his love for rice and raw fish, he claimed to be too busy to get any sushi and ordered a cheeseburger and chips again from the hotel kitchen.
By this stage, even his adoring Japanese fans were beginning to smell a rat – and not just because they had all rushed to McDonald’s to emulate their hero.
So, they surprised Becks on live TV with a selection of sushi, which he had to eat in front of the audience.
But 24 hours later his limo was seen pulling up in front of McDonalds and an aide jumped out and returned ”with several bags of the fast food”.
Beckham will be pleased to know that there are several McDonalds outlets in Madrid for those rare occasions when he’s had enough of his new favourite dish, paella.
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Mum’s The Word
‘THERE’S an old Chinese proverb that says: ”Be careful what you wish for because it might come true.”
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| Ah, he’s got his aunty’s nose… |
Vicki found this out the hard way this week when in a bid to stay in Walford, she pretended to Sharon that she was pregnant. Sharon made Vicki take a pregnancy test and for the first time in her life, Vicki actually passed something.
”Sorry for doubting you, Vicki,” said the pig in a wig. ”You really are pregnant.” Apparently, Vicki and Spencer had shared a night of passion in a snooker hall about a month ago. Which just goes to show that sometimes even when you’re trying to play safe you can fluke a pot.
Spencer has agreed to do ‘the right thing’ and marry the whining American brat. But luckily for him (and mankind), Vicki has decided to have a termination.
There’s more baby trouble in the Square as Lynne discovered Gary reading a book of baby names for his and Laura’s baby. A tearful Lynne revealed to Mo that she doesn’t think she can have children. ”It’s clearly not Gary, is it?”
Which may not be strictly true as there are rumours that Laura is to give birth to a ‘brawwwn bay-bee’.
Kat and Alfie finally get together this week. Less a meeting of minds, more a meeting of enormous girths as the pair of them seem to be on the Sonia Jackson ‘see-food’ diet. I predict a Christmas ratings-boosting wedding.
The tedious saga of Martin blackmailing Kareena over her secret relationship with Tariq is finally over when big brother Ash stepped in and threatened to beat up Martin – echoing the thoughts of 16 million viewers.
Martin has now taken to blackmailing Derek, threatening to tell his best mate, Brian, who’d come to stay, that Derek was gay. Derek was frightened of Brian’s reaction so Pauline agreed to pretend to be his wife.
Brian revealed to Derek that he knew he was gay all along and that it made no difference to him at all. ”I’ve always known you were gay,” he told Derek.
Even if he hadn’t, one look at Pauline’s ratchet face would have been enough to turn any man gay.
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Bonding Sessions
‘PRINCE William might have his mum’s demeanour and dad’s dress sense, but looking at pictures of him sipping booze in the Mirror, he seems to have inherited great-granny’s taste buds.
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| ”I think it’s called a Flaming Bentley, Pops” |
”Are you trying to get me pissed?” asks William of his dad as the pair toured the booze stands at a Welsh Food Fair in Anglesey.
No answer was forthcoming, as the Express watched Wills down ”several” dinks, including a tot of real ale called Amnesia.
He then pointed out a fruit liqueur. ”Look, Pops, they’ve got cherry brandy,” he quipped, a reference to a time when a 14-year-old Charles asked for the sickly brew in a pub.
But Wills is no spindly-legged 14-year-old; he’s the living embodiment of Michelangelo’s David (it says here). He’s 21 tomorrow and, in training for his big day, sinking a few liveners, as it were.
Joining him in getting them in early is brother Prince Harry. In ”Harry Totter” the Sun watches Will’s younger brother make his own tour, this time of some ”trendy” London nightspots
Spotted swaying down London’s Fulham Road with a friend and two policemen in tow, Harry was later seen knocking back wine, cocktails and bottles of lager.
It wasn’t until 3:30am that Harry rolled out of the 151 Club in Chelsea, his sleeves rolled up and a ”trademark” baseball cap on his head.
Whether or not he then did a Euan Blair is left unsaid, and best left that way…
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Call Me Al
”’HAPPY birthday to you, happy birthday to you, you look like James Hewitt and so you should too.”
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| ”Happy birthday, young Hewitt…” |
Oh, what fun we had when Harry turned 18. And now that it’s Wills turn to hit a big number – he’s 21 tomorrow – we can surely expect much of the same.
Helping us get ready to serenade the Prince, the Express relates the history of Happy Birthday, the world’s most popular song.
Sadly, the paper fails to translate the words into Swahili, a language Wills is known to be studying, and perhaps a reason why his birthday party has an African theme.
The Mail reproduces a cut-out-and-blag invitation of the type sent to a ”hand-picked” list of 300 guests, although it later admits that it is fake, so anyone brandishing said item can expect a sobering experience in the Windsor Castle moat – and that includes you, Mr Nigel Dempster.
The night kicks off at 7:30 and guests are asked to ”Dress Out of Africa”.
What a hoot it will be to see the likes of Davina Duckworth-Chad, who changed her name just for this party (what a gel), and assorted Tarquins and Janes get into the swing of things.
People like jungle explorer Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who will surely be pleased to see that Harry’s chum Guy Pelly, patron of the Rattlebone Inn, is at the do.
But one man will be missing. Okay, two, for James Hewitt’s name is not on the list (well, three – for nor is Will Carling’s), but we refer to the Harrods’ boss and bon vivant Mohammed Al Fayed.
The Mail asks whether or not the shop owner was invited by Wills. According to Mo’s friends (and aren’t we all?), Wills wanted him there but Charles took his name off the list.
”How could William invite a man who says his grandfather conspired to kill his mother?” asks an incredulous Palace flunky.
The paper fails to find a suitable answer, and just concludes that ”William’s thinking processes remain a mystery”.
Which makes him his mother’s son through and through…
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Maxed Out
‘WATCHING Prince William grow older is a reminder that time waits for no man. Life moves on and leaves many behind.
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| Max Bygone |
And so it is for Max Bygraves, who is now less popular than German Army surplus jackets and odd second-hand socks.
The Mail says that the Oxfam store in Canterbury, Kent, has blacklisted Bygraves.
No longer will the magical sounds of Singalongamax and Singalongawaryears fund water pipes in remote parts of Africa.
But Max is, unlike his records, far from crushed. ”It’s quite all right,” says he. ”We all grow older and a lot of the people who bought those records are with us no more.
Let alone have a need for a pink, blue, green or indeed any kind of toothbrush…
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Big John, Little John
‘THE little box loves little people, so it was always a surprise that lofty John Leslie made it on TV.
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| John Leslie – at the height of his fame |
But today tall John waves goodbye to a TV career following his arrest on a charge of twice indecently assaulting a 23-year-old actress.
Guilty or otherwise, the Mirror puts the case that not all publicity is good publicity, telling the world that not only has Leslie lost his job as a presenter on ITV’s This Morning but his looks as well.
To the untrained eye he still appears the same as before: tall. But when the thin veneer of showbiz sheen is sullied, the star-struck get to see the true person beneath.
It’s not unlike falling out of love. Which, funnily enough, is what happened to Rod Stewart and Rachel Hunter.
The Star says that the New Zealand model (that’s Rachel) has filed for divorce a mere four years after the couple split.
The paper says that a ”legal showdown” is on the cards over how much of Rod’s fortune – said to be in the region of £100m – Rachel will get.
Readers then see a list some of Rod’s assets – Palm Beach home; Berkshire mansion; Beverly Hills mansion; leopard skin pants – while new girlfriend Penny Lancaster is seen thrusting her assets at Rod.
But Rod and Rachel are soon trumped by a story in the Mirror that says Jude Law and Sadie Frost are set to have the ”ugliest” divorce in history.
We recoil in horror on hearing about Jude’s fury over the ecstasy pill his child Iris accidentally popped at a party attended by Sadie; the reports of marital violence; and the mysterious scratches on her wrists.
It’s the kind of story that could yet save Leslie. After all, the uglier things get, the more fascination they hold.
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Free At Last
‘LOCK up your grannies! News is that Jeffrey Archer is about to be set free.
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| ”And I was the first man to set foot on the moon…” |
The Express says the lag will be granted parole from prison on July 19 and is likely to be released from Hollesley Prison and back into decent society on Monday July 21.
The exact time of Archer’s short walk to the waiting limo is not revealed, so anyone carrying eggs and rotten tomatoes is advised to bring a deckchair and refreshments.
Of course, Archer could have been longer inside, and the Mirror is, like the Express, outraged that a man who has been ”caught three times breaking jail rules” should be released at the earliest possible date.
It does seem a trifle early to let Jeffrey loose on the world, him having only served half his four-year sentence for perjury and perverting the course of justice.
No wonder a few unnamed cell-mates complain to the Mirror of ”favouritism” and say how ”furious” they are that Archer is getting parole so soon.
We can only hope that they do not give vent to their growing sense of injustice and give Jeffrey another well-placed kick in the Kane and Abels.
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Croc On The Block
‘CONTRARY to what it looks like outside the window, the weather is getting warmer. So warm is it that a crocodile has been spotted basking in tropical Cannock, Staffordshire.
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| ”Which way to Dudley?” |
The Mirror shows the poster that now appears on the banks of Roman View pond, once a favoured haunt of swans, fish and Japanese tourists, but now eerily still.
”Croc on the loose!! 9 people have seen a croc in the lake. Beware their is defently a croc in the lake. Please keep a look out for the croc.”
And, we deduce, an even keener eye out for a dictionary.
Of course, stupidity does not end with poor spelling, especially when a crocodile is on the loose. And the Mail duly dispatches its own Paul Harris to bag the beast.
Under the name Crocodile Dudley, the Mail’s man went to the West Midlands armed with a net, a large hat and a desire to one day be a serious reporter on a proper paper.
Despite these painstaking preparations, Harris failed to make any contact with the critter.
We can only pray that Jeffrey Archer has more luck when he is smeared in horseradish and lowered in a cardboard cage into the murky depths.
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Tit For Tit
‘IF mere breast size were the only barometer of success, a pre-op Posh Spice would be as talented as a walnut.
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| ”So, Jodie, can you do THIS?” |
There is clearly more, so much more to being a top babe. Just listen to what Jordan has to say on the matter.
”It takes a lot more than walking out of a nightclub with your tits hanging out to be me,” says Jordan in the Star.
What more it takes Jordan wisely does not specify, keen to keep the secrets of her success locked in her heart beneath layer upon layer of near impregnable silicon.
But Jodie Marsh, the new breast on the block and the girl to whom Jordan aims her remark, is unfazed.
She has ambition and, in today’s celebrity stakes, that is pretty much all you need to get on.
”I’ve always said I want to be bigger than Jordan – fame-wise that is,” says Jodie. ”I always wanted to be someone major like Jordan, so all this happening to me is fantastic.”
But look out, Jodie – in fact, look out, everyone who values their eyesight – because Jordan is planning a fourth breast-enlargement operation.
Which proves that there really is more to being a glamour mo-del that just hanging your tits out – you’ve got to go and buy them first.
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Dirty (Bomb) Harry
‘NEWS that the latest Harry Potter book has been stolen has reached the Express.
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| A stolen copy of Harry Potter & The Islamic Fundamentalists |
A gang of daring thieves (surely despicable) have nicked around 8,000 copies of the latest Potter adventure.
The Sun also covers this heinous crime, but tells its readers the more shocking news that one of the Potter gang has been killed off.
JK Rowling, the inventor of the nerdish Potter, is heard in conversation with the BBC’s Jeremy Paxman.
In the course of the interview, Rowling speaks of how she cried when her pen sentenced the character to death.
She recalls the pain of telling her husband, Neil Murray. ”Well, don’t do it then,” he said. ”Well, it just doesn’t work like that. You are writing children’s books, you need to be a ruthless killer.”
But who is dead? Who has been killed? Thankfully, we have just taken delivery of a book that tells all.
”Harry Potter wondered who had sent the dirty bomb to his school…” Oh well, we can only live in hope…
‘
Court Out
‘WHILE mum gave a decent showing in the 2:30 Royal Nosebag Stakes, Princess Anne’s daughter Zara Phillips was wowing the papers with her dress.
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| Zara shows off mouth – with lips and tongue |
The dress, which also holds a deep fascination to the Mirror, has two arms, a head-sized hole at the top and a large space at the bottom though which legs (two or four) can be placed.
But before we get to the shoes (matching; one on each of her two feet) and the hat (on her head), the Mail is distracted by the arrival of His Honour Judge Jeremy Roberts QC.
Like us, the Mail thinks it odd that the Judge was out watching his horse Counsel’s Opinion run in the 4:45 Duke of Edinburgh (Handicap) Stakes when he was scheduled to be running his gimlet eye over the second day of a six-week kidnap case.
Back at the Old Bailey, the seven defendants were wallowing in uncertainty and 14 barristers and the jury were taking in the sun after the Judge had adjoined proceedings to watch his nag.
The Mail spares no blushes in getting to the nitty-gritty of the matter, casting an eye over the Judge’s top hat and tails with yellow waistcoat.
As for Mrs Roberts, she was ”dressed in a navy blue skirt and jacket and wearing a broad-brimmed navy blue hat with a white band”.
To complete the scene, the grass was a vivid green, the sky was blue, the fence around the track was blinding white, the horse was chestnut brown, the judge’s thong was pink and crotchless, his wife’s bra was a lustrous shade of…
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Hayfever Cure
”’DANNIELLA Westbrook’s successful struggle with drugs has brought her an unexpected bonus,” says the Star in its review of all things showbiz.
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| Danniella’s new nose hadn’t stopped her daily tantrums |
The early guesses as to what this bonus prize is are: fame beyond her talent; a degree in chemistry; a one-way free trip to Colombia; and a free cheeseburger whenever anyone orders a new ”McDanniella Straw.”
The truth, though, is even more magical, as the Star reveals that Danniella is now immune from the ravages of hayfever.
She used to be prone to the illness, but her new nosecone came with the hidden benefit of a pollen filter. ”I get migraines and itchy eyes, but never any problems with my nose at all,” boasts Danniella.
This treatment is available to all those who want it, but be warned – it comes with a designer showbiz price tag, and to be rid of the summer sneezes will set you back around the £100,000 it cost Danniella.
As such it is not yet available on the National Health, which is a great shame since the Mail informs us that this hayfever season is one of the worst for years.
A body called the National Pollen Research Unit at University College, Worcester, says that 15 of the last 17 days have been classified as ”high” or ”very high” pollen days.
A few experts, like the Met Office’s Andy Yeatman (”It seems to be one of the worst spells reported”) and Beverley Adams-Groom, a pollen forecaster, (”It’s horrible”) give the story a scientific bent.
And the Mail churns out a key fact of its own. ”Hayfever keeps more than 500,000 children off school at the height of the allergy season,” it writes.
This cannot continue, and we appeal to the Government to start giving free cocaine to sufferers immediately.
How much longer can this unnecessary suffering go on for before someone has the guts to do something?
We feel a campaign coming on. Over to you, Danniella…
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Puff Piece
‘DOES Prince Harry suffer from hayfever? It’s the kind of fact that the papers have unforgivably overlooked. Heads will surely roll.
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| ”At least, one’s hayfever has cleared up” |
We do, however, know that Harry is partial to a crafty smoke. The Sun has spotted him at it again, and asks the Prince: ”Superkings or Regals, Harry?”
In case his dad – whom the paper says has asked him to quit the evil weed – has not seen that shot, the Mail reproduces the still of Harry having a smoke over an entire page.
Such is the furore over the smoking story that the Mail foolishly overlooks the main news: who is the girl standing besides the Prince, and why is she not smoking?
Can it be that she’s waiting until her ginger beau passes the burning stick her way, allowing her to take a puff?
And while we are asking the questions, let’s have an answer to this one: has she even been a hayfever sufferer?
And if she has been, has she, like Danniella Westbrook, recently developed an immunity to it?
This is a story that, like the noses of our nation’s youth, will run and run…
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Pissed Pete
‘ONE possible reason as to why John Thomson seeks solace in drink is that he’s still known as ”Cold Feet’s Pete”.
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| The new Bernard Manning |
That’s what the Mail calls him, choosing to tell a story about the actor’s behaviour in a recent stage performance by leading with the name of a character he once played on TV.
Thomson, though, is keen to change his billing, and will now be known to all and sundry as ”Pissed Pete”.
The Express takes up the story, telling readers that in last Friday’s stand-up show on stage in Manchester ”Pissed Pete” was seen ”mumbling incomprehensibly”.
”It was woeful,” says one audience member. ”He was only on the stage for 20 minutes. He was mumbling and told the same jokes a couple of times.”
Those of you who have seen some of the greats perform – like Ken Dodd, Bernard Manning and Frank Carson – will say ”so what?”
Speaking incoherently and repeating old gags are the stock-in-trade for comedians.
Mindful of that, John will now surely go from strength to strength and, as soon as he perfects the art of falling over, he will achieve the goal of being ”Britain’s Favourite Funny Man”.
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One Is A Yob
‘WE search but we cannot find any psychologist wishing to offer up an explanation as to why Prince William has been involved in a high-speed car chase.
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| ”I say, running over peasants is nearly as much fun as shooting them” ”I think you mean pheasants, sir.” ”Ooer!” |
We can only take the Mail’s version of events and let you make up your own minds.
In ”William ‘The Young Yob”’, the Mail hears about the Prince’s run-in with the Earl Bathurst, a man described as 76 years old and a friend of Prince Charles.
Driving in the grounds of his Cirencester Park Estate, the earl was flabbergasted to be overtaken by a car going at 50mph – more than double the estate’s 20mph limit.
The earl duly gave chase, hading off the culprit further down the track.
”I didn’t know who the hell it was,” says the earl, ”I thought he was just a yob driving a rather crummy VW Golf which anybody might have.”
Perhaps so, but not everyone has a bodyguard following up in an Orange Omega, who soon arrived on the scene.
The royal protection officer stepped from his garish vehicle and exchanged words with the earl, allowing the yobbish one to make good his escape.
In the Sun, the earl says he suspects the prince ”has got too big for his boots”.
”He looked like a ginger-haired youth,” he said. ”I didn’t know who the hell he was.”
And that’s a pretty amazing claim since we all know from countless profiles that the prince has strawberry blond locks, which are to-die-for. In no way is he ginger.
Wills is also, thanks to the sterling work of the Express, as recognisable as a battered white Fiat Uno.
And today that paper pours syrup on the flames with a story entitled ”The Boy Who Would Be King of Hearts”.
The title alone should be enough to reveal the contents of the piece, but know that he has shot up ”like a slender but sturdy stalk” and how ”the caring side of his mother is evident” in him.
And given today’s driving news, the similarities do not end there…
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Being Shallow
‘IN summer, a young woman’s fancy turns to the hairdresser and causes her to spend £2,000 on a new hair-do.
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| Gwyneth Paltrow |
That’s what the Mail says Kylie splashed out on her new image, which took seven hours to make real.
It makes a change to see Kylie’s face instead of her proffered backside, but for a real refreshing picture, the Mail also has a shot of George Best, reformed alcoholic and one-time footballer.
Getting in shape for the summer season of sizzling flesh, Best is pictured canoodling with his young wife Alex and getting in some miles on the treadmill.
”Three months ago, if you’d asked me to take off my shirt in a gym, I’d have told you to get lost,” says Best, now proud of his toned and tanned frame.
While we are happy for Best and Kylie, it’s hard not to be troubled by this ardent pursuit of perfection.
It’s time to accept the walking disaster that you are, put your fat foot forward and say: ”I do not care! I am Vanessa! I am all woman!”
The Sun sees Vanessa Feltz, for it is she, doing for womankind what the Hindenburg did for air travel.
The Sun even says that Vanessa looks like Gwyneth Paltrow – ”in her film Shallow Hal, that is”.’
