Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Angel Falls
‘IF being famous can be measured in terms of unpopularity, then Charlotte Church is a true-born star.
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| Charlotte’s ready for blows |
It’s not the papers who no longer love the singer but the people of her native Cardiff who, according to the Sun, are just queuing up to punch her lights out.
And the shock is that it’s not her wealth and fame that’s attracting unwanted attention, but the fact that she dates Steven Johnson, a man whom loved-up Charlotte thinks every girl wants to be with.
”People come up to me and be horrible”, says Charlotte. ”Girls want to fight me all the time, especially after I started going out with Steven.”
She goes on: ”They say to me ‘What you doin’ comin’ down into our part of town, takin’ our men, you stupid cow. Come on, let’s go for blows’.”
Happily, the trauma of ”goin’ for blows” over ”gorgeous” Steven – her first love – will soon be over.
As the Star says, Charlotte will get access to her millions in February next year when she turns 18.
At which precise moment we expect her to buy a home for her and Steven to live happily ever after in.
Which is about as likely as Steven not trying to sell the story of their love – again.
‘
Cash For Access
‘SINCE the state owns No.10 Downing Street, we wonder how long it will be until Tony Blair and his brood have the right to buy?
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| Family house, central London, easy walking distance from work… |
And with them living above No.11, could they buy both the houses and knock the two together, creating enough space for them and their brood to live in together for years to come, in the manner of the Waltons?
As it is, the Mirror reports that Cherie has been auctioning off tours of what, perhaps, will one day be her private home.
At a fundraising evening for 17-year-old son Nicky’s exclusive London Oratory school, held at the down-at-heel Sheraton Hotel, Park Lane, London, Cherie offered a tour of No.10 as the first prize in a raffle.
The lucky winner was ”multi-millionaire” computer recruitment consultant Bill Bottriell, who lashed out £1,700 on the chance to tread the Blairs’ rug.
Anyone else who wants to take a look inside, can either send a large cheque to Nicky Blair – or take his dad out for a slap-up meal in Islington’s Granita restaurant.
‘
Beggars Can’t Be Choosers
‘WHAT is the allure of Kat Slater? She looks like David Dickinson in drag. But apparently to Alfie Moon, she’s a living Venus. ”I love her, nanna,” he sobbed to a deranged Grandma Moon. ”I just don’t know what to do.”
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| Every man’s deepest fear |
He could start by sleeping with half of Walford, as it certainly seems to be working for Dennis Watts. Walford’s latest wooden boy, Dennis, is having a revolving door fitted in Sharon’s flat to help him keep up with demand.
At last count, he’d gone through Sam, Joanne and Kat in a day. God only knows what the young women of Albert Square see in this charmless goon, but when the only other single men in the Square are Barry Evans and Ian Beale, it’s clearly a case of beggars can’t be choosers.
Kat has finally wised up to the three-timing cheat though when Dennis calmly presented her with a pair of knickers Sharon had found down the back of her sofa. ”These ain’t mine,” she spat at him. Indeed, any fool knows that Kat never wears them.
It’s clearly only a matter of time before Kat and Alfie get together and with one eye on the ratings, I predict a Christmas wedding.
Martin is back from prison a changed man. He’s changed from a scared schoolboy into a hardened criminal. And who says prison doesn’t work?
He persuaded Vicky to burgle the Mini Mart with him. Although how much out-of-date pork pies fetch on the black market is anyone’s guess.
Gus appointed himself as Walford’s own Nick Ross from Crimewatch and tried to stop the robbery.
But of course just at the moment he arrived at the Mini Mart a police car happened to be passing and Gus got himself arrested, which at least means he’ll get a storyline for a change.
The Square’s other resident buffoon, Barry, is also getting set up for a fall. Janine has managed to worm her way into his business and now into his home.
”I owe everything to Janine,” he told a worried Natalie. Indeed, who could be more qualified to advise people on how to make money from clapped out old bangers with several previous owners than Janine?
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Camera Shy
‘YOU’D think that being married to an Oscar-winning movie star would have cured Michael Douglas of his chronic shyness. But no.
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| The Douglases had no luck finding their missing baby |
It seems Michael, who along with his wife Catherine Zeta Jones famously sued a glossy magazine for publishing photographs which left them feeling ”violated and upset”, is in hiding.
Every time a camera is pushed in his direction Michael holds aloft a card to block the snapper’s view. That the card should have printed on it a photograph of his new child is cruel luck.
As a result the papers are full of the picture of the newest Douglas.
Thus forced to talk about her, Douglas can be heard telling viewers of American TV’s The Tonight Show that ”her name is Carys. It’s a Welsh name which means ‘to love”’.
In the Mail, which also saw the show, Douglas is heard telling the world about Carys’ dimple – ”the famous dimple”, as it is now – and how Dylan, the couple’s other child, is ”two years and nine months” old.
It’s tough to tear ourselves away from such showbiz insight, but moving back to the Sun, we also learn that Catherine has been boxed into a corner by her husband’s desire to be alone.
Only the other day, at a golf match, poor Catherine was forced to tell the hungry press: ”She’s a cutie.”
The Mail reports that the clamour for Carys has gotten worse, and Michael was made to talk about his daughter at the opening of his new movie when he flashed up the infamous card.
And to think it all could have been avoided had Michael and Catherine just been brave enough to talk about themselves for once.
‘
Penny Dreadful
‘IF only the introverted Douglas clan could take a leaf out of the Penny Lancaster book.
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| ”Have you noticed me, yet?” |
Rod Stewart’s latest squeeze is appearing everywhere this morning, seen as she is gyrating and prancing about like a…well, like her boyfriend used to.
The Express shows five shots of Penny ”grooving” at a Monte Carlo nightclub.
The Sun ups the ante with six shots of the same, while the Mirror takes its readers though a 10-step photographic casebook into looking like a lap dancer who’s lost her pole.
The Mirror also includes a further shot of the classless evening, showing Rod seated alongside Penny’s father Graham, who at 57 is one year younger than the singer.
The middle-aged duo are seen applauding Penny’s gyrations, which the Mail says lasted 30 minutes, and smiling broadly.
Well, one of them is. Graham looks as pleased as punch at how talented his daughter is, while Rod looks incredulous at best – and fearful at worst.
If only he had a photo to hide behind…
‘
Fat Blue Line
‘REMEMBER the famous police recruitment poster – ”If you can read this, you’re overqualified”?
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| Police relax height requirement (ACTUAL SIZE) |
Well, the Mail say there’s a new recruitment drive on the beat and it’s calling for the short-sighted and unfit to join the soon-to-be portly blue line.
The exam that tests if someone is physically up to the rigours of being a copper is to be made easier.
While 95 per cent of men who take the test pass, only 51 per cent of woman tested make the grade.
And since the police want more women in the force than the current 18 per cent of all officers who are female, the entrance exam is to become easier.
So out goes the ”speed and agility” section, where a wannabe police person runs ”slalom-style” around a series of cones in 27 seconds or less – perhaps wailing ”wee-waa” as they go.
But other modules remain in place, including being able to squeeze a neck-shaped monitor to achieve a ”grip strength” of 32 kilos.
Police will also be expected to perform the vital skill of pushing and pulling a rowing machine.
Anyone caught rowing the machine will be immediately taken outside, upstairs and installed as the new head of CID.
But still there are those against the scheme. People like Shadow Home Secretary Oliver Letwin, who asks: ”Are we to imagine that criminals are going to oblige by becoming less fit as well?”
The simple answer to that is yes.
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Tickled Pink
”’MISS!” Yes, little Johnny. ”What’s an exam, miss?”
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| ”The cat BLANK on the mat? Hmm…” |
If Charles Clarke, the bat-eared Education Secretary has his way that’s the only kind of questions you’ll hear in our primary schools.
In what the Sun calls a U-turn, the Mail a ”surrender”, and the Mirror an example of how this Government learns from its mistakes, the news is that SATs are to end.
Those Government-set targets that say children should be able to read and write to a prescribed level by the time they’re 11 are to be scrapped.
Instead, all that children of an impressionable age will have to do at school is repeat the phrase ”I love Tony, for he is good” over and over until they sound like they mean it.
Anyone failing to perform this simple, yet effective, task in citizenship will be sat in the specially adapted bus, a picture of which appears in the Mail.
The school bus, which is being piloted on the Isle of Wight, is bright pink and has no heating, despite the windows always being open.
Nicknamed the ”Pink Peril”, the single-decker bus is said to have been highly effective in ”taming” badly behaving nine to 16-year-olds.
Niki Haytack, crime and disorder manager for the Isle of Wight Council, tells us how it works.
”When troublemakers have been given a taste of the pink medicine, they don’t want a second dose,” she says.
”They are known to be embarrassed and to hide their faces on the journey…It is so uncool.”
But, as Charles Clarke has just asked, ”Miss, what’s embarrassed mean?”
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Shaw Enough
‘SOMEONE else learning a harsh lesson is Tracy Shaw, the woman who has made taking her clothes off a career choice.
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| Robert’s plans to keep Tracy at home didn’t work |
The Star says that the actress has had the marital door slammed in her face by her estranged husband Robert Ashworth.
The story goes that Tracy was ready to sit down and talk about her marriage with Robert. But Robert was having none of it.
After confiding in a close friend (who tells us) how it was over, Robert gave his reasons.
‘I’m the one who’s been here looking after the dog all the time she’s been out and all over the place,’ whines Robert.
This is sad stuff. No, really it is. Because it paves the way for Tracy to talk about her marriage break-up in the weeks to come.
Which at least means Robert will get to see more of her. Problem is, so will the rest of us…
‘
Les Be Off
‘AND so the brain drain, that seeping-away of Britain’s brightest talent, goes on – Les Dennis is heading off to live in Spain.
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| We asked 100 people to go and see a Les Dennis gig… |
The Sun says that the ”heartbroken” comic, whose one-man tour has been playing to one man and his knitting, is heading off for a life on the costas with new girlfriend Leoni Cotgrove.
For the man who had it all, this is a sad departure from fame. And, according to a friend of the stricken star, Les is reassuringly bitter about how things have panned out.
The unnamed pal says that Les ”feels he has been let down by the British public who didn’t turn out for his stage show”.
Which gives us an idea. If we ignore those who we don’t like, they will go away. Perhaps they’ll go further than Spain, say to Azerbaijan or Chad.
So on the count of three, all stand up, turn away from the screen and refuse to talk or listen to Vanessa Feltz, Tony Blair, Lenny Henry, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen, Davina McCall…
One, two…
‘
The Braidy Bunch
‘DAVID Beckham’s making the headlines again, or should that be the hairlines.
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| A Blair hair day |
That’s a joke – of sorts – but no-one’s laughing in what was Fleet Street as they’re too busy rubbing their traumatised scalps.
Whereas the Mail opts for the routine job of just picturing the changing locks of the English footballer in a piece entitled ”Hair We Go Again”, the rest send out their work experience drones to get their hair done.
The Mirror hears Victoria call over its appalling 3am Girls to tell them: ”I love his new hairstyle – but, look, David has already burnt his head in the sun!”
But the real news is found beneath that expose of an expose, where ”Mirrorman” Tom gets his hair braided in the Beckham manner.
While Tom takes a first tentative step on the way to becoming the paper’s editor/laughing stock, Neal Kirby steps on the Express’ ladder to the top.
Neal, like Tom, doesn’t get to write a word, and is employed in the mode of a hairdressing model simply to sit down, shut up and then pose for a hideous black-and-white still.
But it’s the Sun that takes the biscuit. Unable to find a willing junior, the paper instead superimposes the braided look on the bonces of Prince William, John Prescott and Tony Blair.
The worry is that if he thought it would make him more popular, Tony might actually adopt the look for real. Well, go for it, Tone, it will…
‘
The Other Ones
‘NOT taking into account the man on the door and the parents who had arrived early to pick up the bored children, the Star’s news that 75 people turned up to watch One True Voice perform must be taken with one eyebrow raised.
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| So who bought the other CD? |
Was it really that many?
The picture that accompanies the story of the band that became television’s Popstars shows the gang of five in the background and 10 teenage girls looking in the general direction of the stage.
Of course, if the girls stand together and bob up and down to the Voices’ unforgettable tune (insert song title here), there could appear to be at least a dozen or even 13 of them.
But this is deviating from the fact that the police-sponsored anti-drugs disco in Larkfield, Kent, was not ready for such talent.
Ahead of its time, the band must wait at least 20 years – at which juncture the boyish men can appear on television in a Where Are They Now? special.
‘
Double Zero
‘IF further evidence were needed that we are hurtling down the road to Hell, it comes in the Mirror, where James Bond is seen buying a bong from a head shop in California.
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| A Bond-ing session |
”The name’s Bong, James Bong…and he’s got a Licence to Chill,” says the Mirror, in reference to the man’s catchphrase and the association bongs have with smoking cannabis.
Can it be that Pierce Brosnan, the current man in the Bond tuxedo, likes to accompany his shaken martini with a lung full of noxious puff?
It’s too horrible an image to contemplate. Perhaps the £1,000 bong he bought is for research into next movie – Dr Just Say No.
‘
A Wing And A Prayer
‘ALL right-thinking people agree that overcrowding in Her Majesty’s penal establishments is a national disgrace.
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| When life means life |
So we are pleased to read in today’s Mirror that Dr Harold Shipman has resumed his medical career within the walls of HMP Frankland, Co Durham.
He is acting as a carer in the hospital wing, and has ”access to people in the same category as his victims”. A probation officer says that he has ”demonstrated that he is adept at putting himself in a position of trust towards such prisoners” and points out that it is ”this very trust that he so comprehensively abused during his years as a GP”.
If old Ships doesn’t make a serious dent in the prison population, then we here at Anorak will eat our hats, coats and Comfi-Slax elasticated leisure trousers.
And the RSPCA will be pleased to know that Shipman’s modus operandi is calm, quiet, and unlikely to disturb any animals in the vicinity.
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Passive Voices
‘WE all know that you can’t have a smoke without causing someone at the next table to catch fire, or suffer a slow lingering death.
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| Katy was keen to try what they were having at the next table |
This is, after all, what is says in bald black-and-white print on the back of the typical cigarette packet. The Government says it is so, and since they are never ever wrong, this means it is true.
But now we learn of a 40-year study of 118,000 Californians, and its conclusion that breathing other people’s tobacco smoke has ”no impact” on deaths from lung cancer and heart disease.
The Mail does note that passive smoking has a ”small effect” on the level of respiratory disease, but it is not the serial killer that raises the risk of such illnesses in non-smokers by as much as 25 per cent.
Various husky voices line up to say how the study is flawed, and how habits have changed over the last four decades.
But the study’s appearance in the British Medical Journal will only add gravitas to its findings and produce a broad, if somewhat yellow-toothed smile, on the face of the big tobacco companies.
‘
The Infamous Five
‘HANDS up who wants to be part of the new Europe? Who wants to wear a beret and sip ale from a massive stein, while an oompah band leads us all in a tarantella?
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| ”So I said to Prezza, what do you think of entry into EMU? And he said he thought Rod Hull was dead…” |
It’s the kind of question Tony Blair will ask his Cabinet in 24 days time. As the Mail leads, Chancellor Gordon Brown will announce the decision on joining the euro on June 9, after two major Cabinet meetings.
For the papers, this means two things. Firstly, as the Express has it, there is now little likelihood of a public referendum on the euro during this parliament’s lifetime.
Secondly, as the Sun suggests, the move to allow Cabinet ministers to scrutinise an area of government that had been the Chancellor’s sole preserve is evidence of a power struggle at the top table.
The second point would be easier to dismiss had it not come after Clare Short’s call for an ”elegant” transfer of power from Tony to Gordon.
At least La Short’s resignation has spared her the arduous job of wading through 2,5000 pages of complex Treasury analysis of the euro.
The Sun says that the 18 technical studies stand over 2ft high and weigh in excess of two-and-a-half stones.
Ministers will be expected to digest this feast and then talk with a degree of knowledge to the Chancellor and Prime Minister in Cabinet and in ”individual cross-examinations” by the pair.
Which should set up an interesting meeting with John Prescott (can he read?) and the likes of Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell, who’s off on a jolly to the Cannes film festival today.
Perhaps she can think of it a script: Five Tests For Gordon. Or Five Go Mad.
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1066 And All That
‘THERE are only three dates in British history worth knowing, according to the Sun.
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| World Bowls Champion 1588-93 |
In 1588, Philip II of Spain sent 130 ships to try to topple Queen Elizabeth I. Bosh! Two days later, they were sent packing and Sir Francis Drake was crowned World Bowls Champion.
In 1805, the French and Spanish fleets vied with us for supremacy on the seas. Bosh! Lord Nelson sent them packing at the Battle Of Trafalgar and then kissed a bloke called Hardy.
And in 1940, Adolf Hitler sent his Luftwaffe over to destroy the RAF and prepare the way for an invasion of Britain.
Bosh! Winston Churchill and a few brave Biggles lookalikes sent them packing, and never was so much owed by so many to so few.
No mention of Waterloo in 1815; nor of the millions who died in World War I; nor even of the countless occasions in the past few years in which our finest have imposed their own brand of martial law on peaceful continental towns and villages.
No mention either of 1066, when the French came over and gave us a terrible kicking; nor of 1688 when a Dutchman and his missus walked in and took the throne; nor even of 1970, 1990 or 1996 when the Germans beat us on the football field.
No, but the Sun is upset because after 1,000 years of fighting invaders Tony Blair is preparing to surrender Britain to Europe in what the paper calls ”the biggest betrayal in our history”.
The Prime Minister, it says, is about to nod through the broad thrust of a new EU Constitution ”that will hand control of our economic, defence, foreign and immigration policies to Brussels”.
All this – and we don’t even get a referendum on it.
”It is,” says the Sun, ”nothing short of a surrender of everything this country stands for and which it has fought for centuries to protect and enjoy.”
The Mail joins in with an anti-Europe rant of its own, celebrating 40 years of ”duplicity, obfuscation and downright dishonesty to con – or try to con – the British public”.
And we are at Anorak are happy to add our own quiet voice to the clamour for a referendum.
If, like us, you think public flogging is too good for Johnny Foreigner, press 1 on your keypad…
‘
Last Refuge Of The Scoundrel
‘SO, what is it that this country stands for? What have we been fighting for centuries to protect and enjoy?
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| ”When you grow up, you could look as ugly as me” |
Well, who better to ask than the 29 people pictured in this morning’s Star – the football thugs whose hooliganism could see England thrown out of the Euro 2004?
Police released photos of the dirty two and a half dozen who raced onto the pitch during England’s 2-0 victory over Turkey at the Stadium Of Light last month.
And the FA says it will impose life bans on any of the hooligans identified.
If not them, then who better than the army major with the prestigious King’s Royal Hussars, who is currently in hot water after being accused of having affairs with three military mistresses – as well as bragging about bedding Andrea Corr?
Perhaps, we should inquire of Brendon Frearon, the burglar who was shot by Tony Martin and who, says the Express, is suing the farmer for £15,000 for loss of earnings.
Or maybe the scientists who have discovered that real life in Britain is in fact worse than EastEnders.
Although the murder rate in Albert Square is slightly above the national average, the researchers tell the Express, the figures for rape are accurately represented.
And, claims the research in the New Scientist, scriptwriters on the soap actually downplay subjects like infidelity, prostitution and deceived fathers.
However, they do admit that it is not all realistic – for instance, it is inconceivable that someone like Sonia Jackson would ever get laid in real life.
‘
After The Flood
‘EVER wondered where the Mirror’s 3am girls get all their gossip from? Try picking up a copy of the National Enquirer.
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| Britney couldn’t stop clowning around |
This morning, they ”reveal” that Justin Timberlake is seeing backing dancer Staci Flood, a mate of his ex-girlfriend Britney Spears.
”She’s his booty call,” they quote a source as saying. ”She’s crazy about him and she’s sure it’s just a matter of time before she wins him over completely.”
It’s funny, but we could have sworn those were the exact words a source used to describe Staci to the Enquirer a week ago.
The Star splashes a picture of Justin’s new woman on its front page and watches the US heart-throb lavish thousands of pounds on her to celebrate.
”Justin was shopping like there was no tomorrow,” said one onlooker. ”He was buying everything from sexy lingerie to expensive jewellery.”
Another source said Justin was smitten and didn’t want his new relationship to go the same way as his old one with Britney.
”He told Staci everything with Britney turned into a circus,” said the source, ”and he doesn’t want the same thing to ruin things with them.”
So, first up, Staci has to shave her beard off…
‘
Flirt Alert
‘LINDA Barker spends her TV life redecorating other people’s homes, but she might now have to spend a bit of time patching up her own marriage.
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| Changing grooms? |
According to the Star, the ‘flirty’ 41-year-old gave her husband the cold shoulder when she emerged from the Australian jungle after a fortnight of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!
The paper says hubby Chris Short thought she was playing to the cameras when she flirted with winner Phil Tufnell on the show.
‘But instead of the romantic reunion he had hoped for when her stay in the jungle was over,’ it says, ‘a tanned and lithe Linda barely acknowledged her other half.’
The Sun hears Linda admit that she did fancy the Middlesex cricketer – ‘I fell for the twinkle in his eye – I defy any woman not to.’
But it claims her husband is not jealous.
‘I don’t mind if other men fancy my wife – I don’t blame them,’ says Chris.
‘She’s sexy, she’s beautiful but, best of all, she’s mine. I can see the attraction like everyone else.’
But what about your wife fancying other blokes, Chris?
The Star tries to stir the pot, quoting a friend of the couple as saying: ‘It was a completely different Linda who came out of the jungle, one none of us had ever seen.
‘Her flirting went into overdrive and Chris is concerned about what his wife has become.’
Back to the Sun and the answer would seem to be a millionaire.
The paper claims Tuffers, Linda and John Fashanu could each scoop £1m from their exposure on the show.
Tuffers has already sold the serialisation rights to his autobiography to the Mirror, which this morning regales readers with stories of the spinner’s five-in-a-bed romps in Australia.
‘I was like Billy Bunter with the keys to the tuck shop,’ he says of the incident.
‘
Having A Ball
‘IT has been a few days since we last had an update on Zoe Ball’s marriage to Norman ‘Fat Boy Slim’ Cook.
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| If at first you don’t succeed… |
So, we are pleased to learn that the two are still together, although this is another relationship the Star is desperate to consign to the bin.
It claims that 32-year-old Zoe spent the whole evening at Blur’s concert at London’s Astoria chatting to a mystery man, while Norman, 40, looked on unimpressed.
‘Zoe was paying more attention to a stocky guy,’ an eyewitness tells the Star. ‘She was talking to this guy and wasn’t giving her poor old hubby the same attention.
‘Zoe wasn’t snogging or getting too intimate, but he was definitely getting the attention all night while Norman just stood and watched.’
Of course, in the world of the tabloids, merely talking to a man who is not your husband is the equivalent of a steamy affair.
But Zoe does have previous – the original split in her marriage came after she confessed to having an affair with DJ Dan Peppe.
And Zoe’s dad Johnny Ball is on hand this morning to tell the Mirror that the affair with the dance DJ was ‘very silly’.
As anyone who has seen a photo of Peppe would confirm.
‘
Hitting A Bum Note
‘LISA Scott-Lee has ambitions. She wants to be the new Kylie. And she reckons she’s got the bottom to do it.
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| ‘I am a cheeky girl…’ |
So, ‘like the Aussie pop princess’, the 26-year-old former Steps star decided to capitalise on her best asset as she gyrated on stage at G.A.Y.
‘She left little to the imagination,’ says the Mirror, ‘as she pouted and preened her way around the stage, setting off her ‘raunchy’ look with a dodgy medallion and a strange laced-up white leather cuff.’
The Sun reckons Scott-Lee has memorised Kylie’s every move for the performance in what the Star calls ‘a last-ditch attempt’ to promote her new single.
Let’s hope the British public gives her the bum’s rush she so richly deserves.
‘
Courting Couple
‘WELL, we now know who – and what – was responsible for Jessie Wallace being voted Sexiest Female soap star – PC Dave Morgan and a speed redial.
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| Whale spotted off Southend |
Copper Dave met the EastEnders actress when he drove her home from court after a drink-driving hearing…and now, according to the Sun, they are dating.
‘Jessie, who plays wild Kat Slater in the BBC1 soap had an intimate lunch with the cop at an Italian diner in London’s Covent Garden on Sunday,’ it says.
‘She beamed from ear to ear as hunky Dave playfully squeezed her bum.’
Is it any coincidence that this tale should come out on the same day as the nominations for this year’s Police Bravery Awards?
As the Sun says, ‘life on the street as a police officer can be very dangerous’.
And never more dangerous than when encountering a bum that’s so big it needs its own postcode.
The Sun shows the happy couple proceeding in a northerly direction in central London, with one eyewitness revealing that Jessie ‘looked like the cat who had got the cream’. And a lot of cream at that.
The 28-year-old copper met the actress at Chelmsford magistrates court back in September when he shielded her from waiting photographers.
A friend of the 31-year-old actress said: ‘It is such an incredible story it could have come from the show itself.’
In which case it will soon end in tears – and the Vic. Which would be a shame because we would like to know what happens if you cross a Kat and a pig…
‘
Frosty Dawn
‘THINGS are not so rosy for I’m A Celebrity winner Phil Tufnell and his girlfriend Dawn this morning.
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| Tuff love |
The Express reckons the 32-year-old fitness trainer gave her fella a frosty reception when he emerged after a fortnight in the Australian jungle.
And the cause, claims the paper, was Tuffers’ constant flirting with Linda Barker.
‘As the clock ticked round to the final eviction, John Fashanu found himself something of a gooseberry as the rakish cricketer and TV interior designer cosied up in their rainforest camp,’ it says.
‘Referring to each other as ‘babes’ and ‘baby’, the pair continued to flirt and tease each other with innuendos.
‘They effectively sidelined Fashanu by disappearing off together for trolls in the forest and did not fight shy of regularly hugging each other.’
The paper says Dawn confided to friends that she did not enjoy the show ‘because of her boyfriend’s notorious roving eye’.
But none of the other papers seem to see any frost between the couple.
When Tuffers was reunited with Dawn, the Star says she proudly ran up to him and gave him ‘a huge hug and kiss’ as the other contestants lined up to sing the winner’s praises.
Sian Lloyd said he was ‘a deep thinker’; Chris Bisson called him ‘a real jester’ and Catalina said he was ‘the funniest person in there’.
But the best was from Danniella Westbrook, who commented: ‘He had the face of a winner.’
In other words, he has all his own nose…
‘
Boxing Day
‘AND that is more than former I’m A Celebrity contestant Darren Day may soon have with ITV apparently keen to stage a bout between him and comedian Craig Charles.
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| ‘Wow! It’s 2.5%’ |
The two are due to clash on July 16, according to the Mirror, after ITV decided to pick up the celebrity boxing series, The Fight, from the BBC.
The Beeb pulled out after the British Boxing Board Of Control labelled the fights dangerous and irresponsible, but ITV seems to have no such qualms.
The Mirror says it will work with the International White Collar Boxing Association to make sure the bouts are evenly matched.
‘We’ll make sure that the people are about the same size,’ an ITV insider says. ‘The BBC kept shoving big people in against far smaller people.’
Which is exactly what the British public wants to see. Roll on Lennox Lewis versus Paul Ross…’
Serial Offenders
‘THE British Soap Awards are normally associated with two things – the appalling dress sense of the guests and EastEnders winning all the awards.
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| Liz Hurley will sleep well tonight |
This year was an exception – EastEnders was thrashed by Coronation Street and, er, that’s about it.
The Mail looks on in horror at the dresses on display, publishing a veritable rogues’ gallery of poor taste.
‘Call it the Liz Hurley effect – from obscurity to fame in one frock-fuelled photo opportunity,’ it says.
‘And if it worked for Liz, shouldn’t it work for every unknown actress slogging away at showbiz’s coal-face, the thrice-weekly soap opera?’
The answer, you might have guessed by now, is a resounding ‘no’. Instead bored paparazzi were treated to ‘a parade of underdressed, over-made-up young women, all as cheap and tacky as the glitzed up venue’.
Joint winners of the worst outfit award were Liz Avis (Brookside’s Laura Stevens), ‘who put her nice white frock through a shredder in the hope of a Hurley’, and Jodi Albert (Hollyoaks’ Debbie), ‘who had melded inspiration from both Raquel Welch’s cavewoman look and the camp Madame Jojo’s version of Annie Get Your Gun’.
If that doesn’t quite conjure up the horror that was on display at BBC Television Centre on Saturday night, this surely will: Jessie Wallace (EastEnders’ Kat Slater) won the Sexiest Female award.
And Shane Ritchie was voted Sexiest Male.
While Suzanne Collins (Brookside’s Nicky Shadwick) was getting the prize for showing most tit to the Sun, Brian Capron (Corrie’s Richard Hillman) was making a bigger tit of himself in the Express.
The 53-year-old actor, who has had bit parts in Birds Of A Feather and Casualty, insists he is not a soap star, but a serial dramatist.
‘I think we should be called a drama serial, not a soap,’ he said. ‘And it should be Coronation Street, not Corrie.’
To which there is nothing to say except that Corrie won the Best Soap Award – and Brian was voted Best Soap Actor.
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