Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Victoria Beckham is a shop window dummy: photo proof
Victoria Beckham IS a shop window dummy? The Daily Mail asks the questions that matter.
Posted: 13th, February 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Adam Johnson’s a ‘pervert’ – just like Daily Star and Sun readers
“Pervert” Premier League “ace” Adam Johnson has been sacked by Sunderland after he pleaded guilty to sex offences with a 15-year-old girl. Johnson who earns £60,000-a-week (Mirror) and £50,000-a-week (Mail) is no longer a Sunderland footballer.
Sunderland have acted quickly. But, then, Johnson’s deal was due to expire in the summer. No transfer fee has been sacrificed.
Johnson is a criminal. That much we know. But the Sun, as the Star yesterday, calls him a “pervert”. He is. But the tabloids don’t mean it to be praise. The Star, owned by Richard Desmond, and the Sun, owned by Sky TV’s Rupert Murdoch, do not exactly frown on perving.
Star readers were yesterday invited to call an incest phone line:
In today’s Sun, readers can call “Hot Girls” for 36p. They can also subscribe to Sky TV and watch late-night telly with naked ‘babes’ simulating sex.
Johnson’s a criminal. If every pervert was, tabloids would set up stalls in Her Majesty’s prisons.
Posted: 12th, February 2016 | In: Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Adam Johnson is guilty but Stacey Johnson is the one on trial
“PERVERT England Star: I groomed Girl, 15,” runs the Daily Star’s front-page headline. The England star is Adam Johnson, who plays for Sunderland in the Premier League.
The facts come thick and fast. He “groomed and groped” a 15-year-old girl. He earns “50,000-a-week”. His girlfriend, Stacey Flounders, 26, “the mother of this young daughter”, was at Bradford Crown Court to hear her boyfriend admit “indulging in sexual activity with a schoolgirl on January 30 last year”.
Johnson has played 12 times for England “and scored twice”. He denies two further claims of sexual activity with the same girl, both involving penetration. All papers bar the Express (10 years) say the maximum sentence if found guilty of all charges is 14 years prison.
Judge Jonathan Rose said the jury must “consider only the evidence” and not be distracted by Johnson’s job. He told the jurors, “You are not allowed to speak to anyone but your number about the case.” Not at home. Not while you read the papers. You must remain as if in a bubble.
The Star adds, “his team are tipped for relegation”. Johnson lives in a “£1.85m home”.
The Mail says Johnson will not play for Sunderland while his trial is underway. The Times gores further, leading its sports section with question: “Will Adam Johnson ever play football again?”
Do we believe in rehabilitation? Does the Times need to show a picture of Johnson cradling his baby daughter? Do all sex criminals get pictured with their kids? Do we need to know that Flounders wore “a black military blazer, skin-tight black leggings, a pale orange blouse an high heels, and sporting a black Chanel handbag, she chewed discretely on gum”?
You’d have to be wearing nose plugs not to smell the stench of money and spite. Why is Flounders’ expensive handbag featured on the sports pages? Is the inference that she’s there for the money and not love or family duty? She’s not on trial. Her pathetic boyfriend is.
The Mail’s pictures shows more of Stacey than it does of Johnson.
Johnson’s job is why he’s news. The story of a 28-year-old man who “kissed” and “touched” a 15-year-old is not a big national news story.
If he is a “pervert”, what of the Star’s readers, who on Page 43 of today’s newspaper are invited to call a sex line to listen to “girls” and “mother and daughter” action? When did incest go mainstream?
PS: Adam Johnson is not a role model. The Australian reports on someone keen to tar all men:
Yvonne Traynor, head of Rape Crisis South London, a charity, said: “Adam Johnson premeditatedly groomed a child and admitted sexual activity with her, a young girl whose life has been devastated. Surely Sunderland have a moral obligation to say they do not condone his actions and instead recognise the seriousness of his crime rather than allowing him the opportunity to represent the club and act as a role model for many young men.”
No sane young man sees Johnson’s crimes and thinks him a role model, an inspirational figure to follow and emulate. To suggest men are sex criminals-in-waiting is a weak and ugly argument.
Posted: 11th, February 2016 | In: Back pages, Reviews, Sports, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Kelly Brook’s naked skin is like a ‘pink fluffy coat’
Shocking news on Sun favourite Kelly Brook:
Zoom in to the news that Kelly “strips down to a pink fluffy coat”.
It’s nothing a good session of depilation can’t sort.
Posted: 9th, February 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Unbiased Daily Star says owner Richard Desmond’s lottery better than National Lottery
The Daily Star leads with National Lottery news. The headline thunders: “Angry Brits Says Balls To ‘No Win’ Lottery!”
Brits are “fuming” at the long odds on winning millions on the lottery. One Daily Star hack reckons he has more chance of getting a raise than he does of winning £10.
One Page 5, readers are told that punters are turning to “lottery tourism”, snapping up tickets in foreign prize draws which offer better odds on winning. “Disgusted players are also switching to other home-grown games,” notes Craig Saunders, “such as the Health Lottery.”
At no point does Craig point out that the Health Lottery is owned by Richard Desmond’s Northern and Shell. You know him – he owns the Daily Star…
Kerry Katona give Natasha Hamilton a divorce lawyer as a wedding gift
Kerry Katona, formerly Kerry McPadding, is in the news. The Star reports that the once leading face of supermarket own-brand ketchup is giving Natasha Hamilton a wedding gift. Kerry’s giving away “her divorce lawyer’s number”.
Says Kerry: “I’m not saying they will need it, but if the time comes…”
Very generous, we’re sure. Natasha can surely look for other business cards from Kerry’s collection, such as the one from the agent, should Natasha want to stick her kids on the magic box; the surgeon who recalibrated Kerry on daytime telly – LIVE!; the vet who teamed her up with a huge canape-hungry squirrel; and the accountant she allegedly assaulted – ok, not him.
Every year’s a paper anniversary from tabloid fodder Kerry. And just as soon as Natasha does something, you can bet Kerry will be in the paper…
Posted: 5th, February 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
We answer the Daily Mail question: ‘Who will speak for England?’
Today’s Daily Mail leads with a question: ‘Who Will Speak for England?’
The question writer turns to history to see if figures from the past can answer the burning question.
Today the Mail asks a question of profound significance to our destiny as a sovereign nation and the fate of our children and grandchildren. Who will speak for England?
Not him:
It’s a question inspired by one of the most dramatic moments in the history of Parliamentary democracy. The date was September 2, 1939, the day after Hitler invaded Poland. Tory PM Neville Chamberlain had just made an ambivalent statement to the House, proposing no immediate action.
On his backbenches, anti-appeasement stalwart Leo Amery was incensed. As Labour’s deputy leader Arthur Greenwood rose to reply for the Opposition, the Tory MP bellowed across the floor: ‘Speak for England!’
And Greenwood did just that, voicing anger over the premier’s reluctance to honour Britain’s treaty obligations to Poland. Bowing to the mood of the House, Chamberlain declared war on Hitler the next day.
The Mail should realise that all is not lost. Someone might just make a peep for Albion. After all, on January 1934, the Mail was all for Hitler:
As we cry ‘Let’s Bomb Brussels!’, the article continues:
Nobody is suggesting there are any parallels whatever between the Nazis and the EU.
They are. See above.
Indeed, the Mail would argue that one of the Union’s great achievements, along with Nato, has been to foster peace in Europe.
PEACE! We all vant ein leetle peace! To quote Mel Brookes:
I don’t want war. All I want is peace. Peace. Peace!
A little piece of Poland/ A little piece of France /A little piece of Portugal /And Austria perchance…
But…
But as in 1939, we are at a crossroads in our island history.
What happened to “Nobody is suggesting there are any parallels whatever between the Nazis and the EU”?
For in perhaps as little as 20 weeks’ time, voters will be asked to decide nothing less than what sort of country we want to live in and bequeath to those who come after us.
We want a country of patriots!
Another question soon follows:
Are we to be a self-governing nation, free in this age of mass migration to control our borders, strike trade agreements with whomever we choose and dismiss our rulers and lawmakers if they displease us?
Ian Hislop nips in and tells us:
“… the Mail is owned by the Rothermere family. What did your Dad do? The current Lord Rothermere’s father loved Great Britain so much he went to live in France as a tax exile.
“He then passed on the nom-dom status to his son who doesn’t actually pay the normal amount of tax despite owning a newspaper that’s owned through various tax companies in Bermuda.”
Et continue:
Or will our liberty, security and prosperity be better assured by submitting to a statist, unelected bureaucracy in Brussels, accepting the will of unaccountable judges and linking our destiny with that of a sclerotic Europe that tries to achieve the impossible by uniting countries as diverse as Germany and Greece?
Do we want to live in Ibiza?
The Mail then bashes the Tories and the BBC.
So we ask again: who will speak for England (and, of course, by ‘England’, like Amery in 1939, we mean the whole of the United Kingdom)?
Is this any clearer?
#WhoWillSpeakForEngland pic.twitter.com/HASpxVBGs6
— Stewart Bremner (@stewartbremner) February 4, 2016
Will Scotland? The Mail thinks the question so burning it asks Scots: “Why do teenage girls send explicit pictures to boys?” Answer: The EU makes them do it.
Maybe migrants can speak for England – after all, they love it enough to come here?
With a tsunami of migrants flooding across Europe, can such tinkering with the small print really be enough… here is nothing in Mr Cameron’s draft deal that will make one jot of difference to the numbers pouring in.
Who speaks for England?
Posted: 4th, February 2016 | In: Key Posts, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
John Inman: dead actor dug up and beaten with sticks
Time to toss another dead body on the paedophile police pyre. The People leads with news of a police investigation into the life of the late actor John Inman. Did he “sexually assault a boy” aged 13? Dunno.
But emotions have been stirred. There is “fury”.
Once upon a time, the Sunday tabloids were full of shagging footballers, pimping Duchesses and five-times-a-night bonkers. Now we get allegations made against the dead. The celebs never did stop extra-marital sex. But the tabloids did stop covering them. It’s easier – and cheaper – to go after the dead.
The paper’s story thunders:
Police are investigating claims that the late Are You Being Served? actor John Inman sexually assaulted a 13-year-old boy in 1970s. The iconic TV star, who played camp shop assistant Mr Humphries in the BBC series, is the latest high-profile name to be linked to claims of historic abuse.
One claim and John Inman – innocent in life – is stuffed in the box with Jimmy Savile and Rolph Harris.
When John Inman died in May 2007, the Mirror wrote:
JOHN Inman, star of TV sitcom Are You Being Served?, died in hospital early this morning after a long illness.
The actor (pictured above), 71, died in St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, west London, at 4am. He had suffered from hepatitis A and had been taken into hospital for tests after problems with his liver.
His manager Phil Dale said: “John, through his character Mr Humphries of Are You Being Served? was known and loved throughout the world. He was one of the best and finest pantomime dames working to capacity audiences throughout Britain. John was known for his comedy plays and farces which were enjoyed from London’s West End throughout the country and as far as Australia, Canada and the USA.”
No word on any crimes. But now:
Detectives confirmed the probe after dad-of-two Peter Grant claimed he was forced to perform sex acts on the star in a hotel room in Torquay, Devon, when he was a schoolboy.
Is it fair that a claim against a dead man who died with an unsullied reputation is front-page news? Anorak’s views are not about the alleged victim’s testimony and claims. They are not for us to decide. This is about how a claim becomes front-page news, and why?
But Inman’s family have branded the investigation a witchhunt and and are worried that ‘all sorts of people will say anything in the wake of the Jimmy Savile scandal’. The much-loved star’s niece, Debra Inman, said: “I’m in total shock. Accusing him of this is just awful. It’s unbelievable, horrendous. You look at all the Jimmy Savile stuff and who is jumping on the bandwagon – people seeing an opportunity. John was a national treasure, a lovely man.”
Nothing screams witchhunt like a front-page splash in the Sunday tabloids.
..according to claims made to Devon and Cornwall police, the actor was a predatory paedophile who used an accomplice to lure Peter Grant, then a 13-year-old, to his hotel room.
Once more, this is not about the veracity of Mr Grant’s claims. The hope is that the justice system apprises the facts and reaches a satisfactory and correct conclusion. This is about the reporting on a single claim being amplified in the media.
This from the police:
“Devon and Cornwall Police are investigating an allegation of historic sexual abuse by two men against a boy in Torquay in 1979. The investigation, being led by the Force’s Sexual Offences and Domestic Abuse Team, is at an early stage and therefore it would be inappropriate to comment further.”
It would be. Yes. But Inman’s dead, so speak freely:
Divorced Mr Grant, from Torquay, told the Sunday People : “Inman’s friend said I would be perfect for a role in a play – that was his hook. It was suggested that Inman could help me out with it, but I needed to help him. I don’t think he had any thoughts at all about being found out. He said ‘I’m going to get you a role, but don’t tell anyone about this (the abuse) or I won’t be able to’ “When he died and he was on TV, I was very, very angry.”
Mr Grant says he spent the summer of 1979 using leisure facilities at the Imperial Hotel when he claims he was approached by Inman’s friend.
“He was flashing suggestively. I was naive and didn’t really think too much. It was a men’s changing rooms and people did get naked, so I didn’t really think. He was being complimentary about me and making me feel good. He found out that I was doing some amateur dramatics. He basically just said how good I looked and went on to say would I like to come up to his room and meet John, and that I was perfect for a role in a play. I went up to his room and met him and it was pretty much chit-chat. John Inman started saying how lovely I was and it was suggested that he could help me out with it, but I needed to help him.
“I didn’t realise what it was at the time, but he encouraged me to perform a sex act on him. I had a very sheltered upbringing and I didn’t really understand. It ended and it was, ‘Great to see you, I’ll be in touch about the role’.”
We’re told:
The incident was allegedly repeated at least twice more in the hotel over the next month, each time with Inman’s friend approaching the boy… It is also claimed to have happened a final time in the dressing room of the Princess Theatre. Grant said he was around 16 when he watched porn and recognised what he’d done as a child.
Reactions to the story are encapsulated in the paper’s comments section:
An alleged crime, it’s victim and the dead celebrity become something to debate.
Who needs facts when you have audience participation?
Posted: 31st, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Rita Ora’s naked breasts are too racy for the tabloids
Rita Ora has posed topless. The X Factor judge and pop star has posed pretty much naked for French magazine Lui. You can see the photos here. But you cannot see them in the Daily Star. And that’s odd because the Star is the only British newspaper to routinely feature a topless stunna on Page 3.
In today’s issue the Star shows Rita Ora’s racy photos but hides her nipples behind cartoon explosions. One day earlier, Star readers got to see “sexy Jess” and her nipples.
Does the Star think Ora’s nipples too much for its readers? It would appear so.
Rita Ora – NSFW:
Posted: 30th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, NSFW, Tabloids | Comment
Manchester United v The Sun II: paper at club at odds of Van Gaal resignation
The Sun says Manchester untied manager Louis Van Gaal offered to resign but the Man United board ordered him to stay.
But Manchester United says the Sun’s scoop is balls. On the BBC we read: “Sources have told BBC Sport no such conversation took place.”
But the Sun says it is “understood” the conversation did take place.
This is the second time in under a week the Sun has been contradicted by United. The paper reported that Man United’s reps had met Pep Guardiola at a Paris hotel. United said that was balls.
Either the Sun is writing nonsense, or else the club is lying.
And what, then, of the Mirror’s news?
This is not only a fight over Van Gaal’s future – it looks like United dealmaker Ed Woodward is fighting to save his job at United.
Posted: 26th, January 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Samantha Cameron and the ‘oink oink noises’ at school
You have undoubtedly head the scurrilous claim that David Cameron once put his member in a dead pig’s mouth (a claim made without a scintilla of evidence to support it). Well, in utterly unrelated news the Daily Mirror reports on piggy noises:
Mummy, why do the teachers make those noises? Well, kids, come closer…
Posted: 25th, January 2016 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Misleading headline of the day: Danniella Westbook’s Big Brother ‘cocaine shame’
The Daily Star is the “official Big Brother newspapers”. Every day the Star publishes front-page news on goings on the TV celebrity silo, saving readers the bother of tuning in. today the Star says:
“Big Bro Danni New Cocaine Shame”.
Westbrook has had issues with cocaine, notably when she was photographed in 200 with part of her nose missing. The Sun harks back to this with its lead photo of Daniella holding her hooter. Is Danni back on the powders?
On Page 9, we get more:
“A tweet from Ogden Oggy said: ‘Everyone vote @westbroookdanni she’s going to buy substantial mount of cocaine is he wins and throw a big party for everyone.” The comments were retweeted by Danniella’s official Twitter account., which is believed to be being run by a pal while she is on the show.”
And, er, that’s it.
Posted: 21st, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Tabloid caption of the day: Chris Martin ‘craves pancakes’
Uncoupled former Mr Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, appears topless in the Daily Mail. Like no-one we’ve ever met, the Mail wonders why Chris – 38, rich, lots of free time, pop star – is not fat and pictured eating an Iceland ready-meal. The Mail reports that that Chris doesn’t eat food on one day every week. He does eat Iceland frozen desserts – by the truckload – but only for six days each week. On the 7th day, the rock god rests. But the best bit about this story is how the Mail describes Martin, the internationally acclaimed musician.
“Craves pancakes: Chris Martin, 38”
Stupendous.
Posted: 21st, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Manchester United balls: Louis Van Gaal ‘Walks’
The Daily Mirror has news: Louis Van Gone – Old Trafford pressures force boss to consider his future.. he could walk a year before the end of his contract.”
This follows other Lois Van Gaal walking news:
And so to today’s walking Louis news:
Louis van Gaal is considering walking out on Manchester United this summer – a year before his contract expires… Sources in Holland claim the Dutchman’s family have become increasingly concerned at the heavy toll leading the Old Trafford giants is taking on the 64-year-old.
Sources in his homeland? If he goes, then what?
Van Gaal stepping down would leave the way clear for Jose Mourinho, sacked by Chelsea last month, to take over — the Special One is said to be willing to bide his time until the summer to land the Old Trafford gig.
Mourinho is “willing” be manager of the biggest club in British football. Feel the humility. Why United would go for Mourinho seems odd. Maybe thy plan to narrow the Old Trafford pitch?
Posted: 20th, January 2016 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Lord Janner: 3 missed chances, a self-serving CPS inquiry and allegations now fact
Westminster paedos: a look at reporting on the story of sex crimes in high places.
The Daily Mirror has been at the forefront of the allegations of murderous paedophiles protected by the Establishment. Today over pages 6 and 7 it looks at the late Lord Janner, a former Labour MP and peer who died an innocent man. The story, however, is that he dodged justice. He was accused of 2 counts of sex offences against boys between the 1960s and 80s. He never stood in the dock.
“Lord Janner Child Sex Abuse Probe ‘Shambles – they had 3 chances to charge him. It was just one big cover up.”
Lord Janner is now covered by earth, what with his having been buried, if not exactly laid to rest.
Failures by police and prosecutors allowed Lord Janner to escape child sex charges three times, a damning independent inquiry has revealed.
Janner is damned! How’s that for rough justice.
But a man who told detectives Janner abused him as a boy has denounced the report as another Establishment whitewash. Paul Miller, 52, one of 25 alleged Janner victims, said: “This report is another cover up. Nobody has been named yet again. The people who failed the victims should be named and held accountable.”
The story continues:
The independent inquiry’s report published yesterday said it was ‘wrong’ Janner…had not been charged with child abuse in 1991. It added that police and the Crown Prosecution Service also failed to act in 2002 and again in 2007 despite there being a ‘realistic prospect’ of convicting him.”
The independent inquiry was commissioned by the director of public prosecutions. It was carried out by retired High Court Juge Sir Richard Henriques. He says: “I have concluded that the decision not to charge Janner was wrong and that there was enough evidence against Janner on December 4 1991 to provide a realistic prospect of conviction.”
Page 10: “Voice of the Mirror.”
Voice of the Mirror: Victims of Lord Janner need the truth
Not alleged victims. “Victims”.
For decades the former Labour MP Lord Janner preyed on vulnerable children.
Justice denied is judgement delayed until the accused is dead. Guilty!
He is now dead but he leaves behind a legacy of wrecked lives, trauma and misery. The authorities have serious questions to answer as to why they failed to press charges against Janner. All the evidence points to a cover-up by an establishment either too fearful to prosecute one of their own or which, in the worst instance, deliberately concealed his wrongdoing.
Daily Mail Page 16: “How Janner dodged justice 3 times”
What about the law and all those barriers to justice?
The Sun Page 13: Jane Moore says, “Protect victim of serial liars.”
Last week, nearly a year after 20 officers raided Lord Bramall’s home, the Met police issued a churlish statement in which it said there was “insufficient evidence” to pursue the claim against him. “Zero evidence” might have been a better description.
He has expressed his frustration that the Met described his accuser’s claims as “credible and true” before he even knew he was under investigation… is it possible that the culture of Jimmy Savile and police failure to act has prompted the pendulum to swing too far the other way?
Lord Bramall questions whether detectives had carried out a “partial and objective” investigation and suggested they lacked judgment because they were “terrified” of being accused of covering something up. In other words, it has become a victim-centric culture where all accusers are believed even when the most cursory of initial checks might suggest something doesn’t quite add up.
The dead are always guilty. The living are always clean and keen to emphasis that “lessons have been learnt”.
As Director of Public Prosecutions Alison Saunders says:
“The inquiry’s findings that mistakes were made confirms my view that failings in the past by prosecutors and police meant that proceedings were not brought. It is a matter of sincere regret that on three occasions, opportunities to put the allegations against Lord Janner before a jury were not taken. It is important that we understand the steps which led to these decisions not to prosecute, and ensure that no such mistakes can be made again.”
Daily Express Page 6: “Outrage at ‘three missed chances’ to charge Janner over sex abuse claims”
The Express points to failures by police and Crown lawyers. It says the police failed to listen to the alleged victims. The police never do listen. They talk and expect us to hear. Time to name them and the lawyers. Or are we waiting for them to die before they can be questioned?
Posted: 20th, January 2016 | In: Politicians, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Laughably biased Daily Express story calls BT Sport The Arsenal of TV
In “BT Sport’s winning duo: Hoddle and Hargreaves showing Sky are no longer the limit” the Daily Express’. The story on Liverpool’s 3-3 with Arsenal is written by Jim Holden. It contains the following:
BT! And there was something else which made this a memorable match – the superb coverage last Wednesday evening by BT Sport…
This was the night when they proved their live football broadcasting can be the equal of the brilliance for so long provided by Sky…
Instead of going to an advert break at just the wrong moment before the start of the game, they allowed us to hear The Kop singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. As anyone who has been to the ground knows, this is an integral part of matches at Anfield and it should always be conveyed to TV viewers….
…the radical decision by BT to have two analysts talking about the match alongside the commentator worked a treat….
Owen Hargreaves and Glenn Hoddle combined perfectly…
This H-men double act of Hoddle and Hargreaves will give the best of Sky a run for their money…
The use of World Cup Final referee Howard Webb to give instant verdicts on contentious or surprising decisions by the officials is another bonus from BT Sport…
You want more?
It takes time, and it has taken time, for a new TV station to develop its coverage and win the loyalty of viewers at home across the country. In my experience, that hurdle has now been jumped by BT Sport.
They are a serious player, much like Arsenal in this year’s Premier League title race…
Nowhere does it say that Holden has another gig:
Back of the net!
Posted: 19th, January 2016 | In: Back pages, Sports, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Naked photos of Princess Margaret, a Tory paedo and an honest villain
Just when you thought the story of paedophiles in high place had died on its arse, the Daily Mirror brings news. We no longer need rely on ‘Nick’ to blow the whistle on VIP paedos in Westminster because we have a convicted felon to tell all.
Hatton Gardens heist boss Brian Reader was horrified when his gang broke into a bank vault and found sickening photos of a leading politician abusing children.
‘We might be thieves but we don’t go in for blackmail,’ ma’am. It’s all about standards.
But the notorious crook was shocked further when the thieves left the pictures for police to find – only for the Tory Cabinet minister’s crimes to be hushed up.
Crooks trust police to solve sickening crimes! Read all about it!
Reader, known as The Guv’nor, is facing jail for planning last year’s £14million Hatton Garden raid and claims about his previous high-profile break-in can now be revealed for the first time.
Reader will very soon have an actual Guv’nor to tuck him in of a night.
A close confidant of 76-year-old career criminal Reader said: “It was a shock for them when they found photographs of a famous politician abusing children. The gang were disgusted and left them lying on the floor of the vault for the police to find but nothing was ever done.”
Not one career villain thought, ‘Allo! this could be our ‘Get out of jail free card.’ They just dropped the sick images on the floor and scarpered.
The Government of the time allegedly forced the press to stop reporting on the burglary as a matter of national security amid allegations raunchy photos of the late Princess Margaret were found in another safety deposit box in the vault.
Raunchy? Got to love the Mirror that manages to cover a story from the 1970s by employing the language of that time. And as for being forced to stop reporting, well, isn’t the Mirror a, er, newspaper. Can it ask old staffers to confirm or deny that allegation? The paper can’t say for certain what it was doing on the night of Monday, September 13, 1971. Can’t today’s scoopsters just ask Tony Miles, who was the Mirror’s editor during that period, if a D Notice was issued?
But the latest claims, revealed to the Daily Mirror, are more disturbing and further evidence of the Establishment cover-up of powerful paedophiles.
No. They are evidence of nothing. They are a claim by an unnamed source who knows a villain.
We are not naming the politician, who has since died and was never publicly linked to allegations of child sexual abuse.
Why spoil the fun. Name away. He’s dead. And what’s that part about not being “publicly linked to allegations”? Was he linked to allegations in private?
But we have passed details to the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse, which is set to examine claims against Labour peer Lord Janner, who died before facing trial for child sexual abuse, and Lib Dem MP Cyril Smith, whose paedophilia was exposed after his death.
Dead. Dead. And dead. What’s one more corpse to kick around.
Inquiry chairman Judge Goddard said in November: “We will conduct an objective fact-finding inquiry into allegations of abuse by people of public prominence associated with Westminster.”
More or less objective than the Mirror’s story of a missing photo of an unnamed “TORY CHILD ABUSER”?
“The investigation will focus on high-profile allegations of child sexual abuse involving current or former Members of Parliament, senior civil servants, Government advisers, and members of the intelligence and security agencies. It will consider allegations of cover-up and conspiracy and will review the adequacy of law enforcement responses to these allegations.”
Well, if that’s what the State’s judge says…
Over pages 4 and 5 we hear moe of “The Guv’nor”, a name-de-crime the Mirror hopes will lend his statement credibility. Villains named Matt The Talc, Fingers or Skull Cracker are less trustworthy. And don’t get us started on Tony Bagels.
If the images found by Reader had been made public at the time, it would have caused a massive political scandal.
Well, yes. If.
In 1971, he was beginning a criminal career spanning five decades which would involve him in raids worth more than £150million and make him Britain’s biggest thief. His gang had spent months planning the Baker Street job. They rented a leather goods shop, two doors up from the bank, and then tunnelled 40ft from the shop basement into the vaults. Once inside, they ransacked 268 safety deposit boxes – nearly four times the 73 opened by the Hatton Garden gang.
Was he the Guv’nor back then? Or was he a Junior?
A second source, a gang member, previously told the Mirror in 2008 that child pornography was found in the vaults but did not give further details. He said: “We were disgusted and left it in their open boxes so police could trace the owners.”
Exhibit a: Items found in open boxes left by villains after a raid. Yes, we can see that one standing up in court.
“We didn’t want to take anything that might give us extra trouble. All we wanted was cash and jewels.”
Gawd bless ’em.
At the time of the raid, Princess Margaret’s marriage to Antony Armstrong-Jones, Earl of Snowdon, was in its final stages. In the 60s and 70s the Queen’s sister was known to party hard on the Caribbean island of Mustique… She is said to have taken snaps of male friends frolicking naked but it is not known if any were ever taken of her.
Oh?
The ex-raider would only say: “I can’t talk about that.”
At which point a flag lowers, the Great British villains bow their heads, tug a forelock and say as one, “Nuffink wiv women or kids.”
Posted: 18th, January 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Warning: Big Foreign Worms Invading Britain
Big news in the Daily Star: “Worms as big as snakes are invading Britain.”
Is that big? The world’s smallest snake – named Leptotyphlops carlae – is 10cm (4 inches) long and “as thin as a spaghetti noodle”. There are 3,100 known snake species. The world’s longest snake is a reticulated python – 7.67 m (25 ft 2 in) long.
Bow big is this invading worm? “More than 2ft long,” we learn.
“Experts warn the beasts, which are already the size of a newly-hatched adder, could grow ‘bigger and bigger”.
An adder is poisonous. A long worm is not. And these long worms – “slithery predators” – have been found only on the “remote Isle of Rum, off Scotland”.
Jeff Farrell’s story make no mention of how these worms have launched an invasion. The Star once supported the EDL. The fear is that self-styled British patriots are right now hunting down Lumbricus terrestris for slaughter and deportation. But the worm is also known as the “common earthworm”, a creature native to the British Isles. Although fears they they have radicalised in Scotland are hard to disprove.
Posted: 18th, January 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Cheryl Cole: The Sun hatchet job on estranged husband ignores national sweetheart’s criminal past
“Nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is separated from husband Number 2. Lest anyone be in any doubt as to whose side we should be on in the tale of love undone, the Sun features two stories:
First up is the Sun’s scoop on our Chezza: she’s no longer “so gaunt…that fans were left fearing for her health” (source: the Sun, December 2015). No way. Now she’s “sports toned”:
As for whatshisface well, you should see the company he keeps:
Readers looking at the profile of Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, aka ‘- -‘, may wonder why the Sun fails to also rake over Cheryl’s past. After all, in so part of the attack on – – can we find any evidence that he has been in trouble with the law. Cheryl, on the other hand, has form. She was found guilty of assaulting toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa. Judge Richard Haworth told her:
“This was an unpleasant piece of drunken violence which caused Sophie Amogbokpa pain and suffering. Her eye was painful for three or four weeks, there was bruising for three months and for a while she had blurred vision. You showed no remorse whatsoever.”
The hatchet job against – – runs:
…today we can reveal how JB hid his woman-loving ways from his future wife, appeared to exaggerate his business endeavours, distorted his educational record and even regularly changed his name.
Poor Cheryl Tweety/ Cole / – – !
When he first became involved with Cheryl, the restaurateur tried to remove all traces of his playboy past from the internet.
It included wiping 29 telling photographs from his Instagram account. The pictures, which we publish for the first time today, show him cosying up to various beautiful women, some of whom look strikingly like his future wife… In one image he is being straddled by a woman with her legs wrapped around his neck.
In another he is seen pulling the hair of a woman in a nightclub.
Got one of him punching the nightclub woman in the face? No.
Looks like the gloves have come off in this divorce story.
Posted: 16th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Tabloids | Comment
EastEnders: Barbra Windsor returns to die
In an “exclusive” the Star says EastEnders are to bring back Dame Barbra Windsor only to kill her off. Babs, of course, is not going to die on the telly. This is about the character, she plays in the tired BBC soap opera, Peggy Mitchell. She will “Peg Out”.
It’s an ‘exclusive’ exclusive to every newspaper that got the message from the EastEnders PR department: “Peggy’s gonna die. It’s gonna be great.”
On page 7, the Star says Peggy’s death will be “tear-jerking”. Anyone reduced to tears by the trailed death of an occasional soap opera character is in need of urgent help. they should also switch off the magic box and get out, possibly to the actual East End of London, where every gardens square is now surrounded by glassy homes that cost millions of pounds and shops selling reassuringly expensive organic puss.
Newsflash: EastEnders is not a fly-on-the-wall documentary. It’s the BBC’s dystopian vision of what working-class people do.
Says Babs: “Peggy is a character close to my heart… but I need to say goodbye to Peggy once and for all, or she will always be there.”
Good luck with that, Babs. This is EastEnders, where people return from the dead. Although picking them out form the other zombies is tricky.
Posted: 16th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Daily Mail publishes ‘loving’ picture of dying kangaroo being raped
Jane Fryer sees the picture of the kangaroos “in the shade of a Australian mango tree”. She sees the “last loving embrace for a dying kangaroo”. Fryer says the male kangaroo “tired to revive his mate” as his little joey looked on.
The loving male’s revival technique, says Australian Museum Principal Research Scientist Dr Mark Eldridge, involves attempting to insert his penis into her dying body.
Says the expert:
There is a story behind the images, but not the anthropomorphised version of true love that has accompanied the images in publications. The male, which appears to be lovingly “cradling the head” of the female as she dies, is actually in a state of sexual arousal.
“The male is clearly highly stressed and agitated, his forearms are very wet from him licking himself to cool down. He is also sexually aroused: the evidence is here sticking out from behind the scrotum (yes, in marsupials the penis is located behind the scrotum).”
Kangaroos are extremely sensitive to heat, says Dr Eldridge. Furthermore, the kangaroo is not, unfortunately, “propp[ing] up her head so she could see her joey before she died”. Instead, says Dr Eldridge, “this is a male trying to get a female to stand up so he can mate with her.”
Cancel the Disney movie.
Posted: 14th, January 2016 | In: Reviews, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment
Gary Lineker divorce: topless BBC presenter in Danielle love split
Sad news in the world of romance: BBC TV presenter and former England footballer Gary Lineker, 55, is no longer in love with his wife, the thrusting Danielle, 36. They have agreed a financial settlement “agreeable to both parties”, says a source in the Star.
The Star thought it important enough to appear on its front page, replacing news of a doctors’ striker with an advert-styled “Lineker divorces today”:
The Sun features the story on its Page 3, the place famously given over to topless stunnas. Phwaor – gerraloadofGaz!
Gary – vital stats: 55-£200m-4kids – is available.
Danielle Linker, formerly Danielle Bux, is away.
Posted: 13th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Beating back pain over and over in the Daily Express
How dod I beat back pain? Funny you should ask. The Daily Express has news on just how to beat back pain.
Standing up and moving forward – i.e. walking – can help.
Giles Shedrick has facts:
Seven in ten people have suffered recurring neck or back twinges for more than a decade, research has shown. The pain has forced three in ten to take time off work. Last year almost 10 million sick days were taken.
This augments Giles’s previous reports:
September 2015:
The official figures show seven people in 10 have lived with recurring neck or back pain for more than a decade and three in 10 took time off work last year… The number of sick days caused by the condition rocketed by 29 per cent to almost 10 million in the year to 2014.
Scoop!
Posted: 12th, January 2016 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mail and Jan Moir say David Bowie ‘can expect some big ch-ch-changes’
David Bowie died at the wrong time for the dead-tree Press. The New York Times told us it was a good time to be Bowie. The Daily Mail went for a hatchet job, penned by Jan Moir.
Even the advert is wrong:
Posted: 12th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Cheryl Cole: hyphenated husband in line for £8m payout
‘Nation’s Sweetheart’ Cheryl Cole has split from husband number 2. He’s called Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini, aka –, an ambulatory hyphen magnet whose been married to Cheryl for a whole 18 months.
News in the Mirror is that he does no want his wife cash.
Cheryl can keep the pounds – and, boy, she could do them.
The Mirror hears from an unnamed source who says of JB F-V: “There is no question of him taking her to the cleaners. He says he doesn’t want Cheryl’s money and is happy to end things quickly and amiably.”
We never do get to hear from –, which leaves the Mail to take a different approach. It leads with “Now for the battle over Cheryl’s £20m fortune.” They says he could take away £8m.
In a fight, the easy money would be on — delivering the knock-out blow. But Cheryl half form with cleaners, whether they be estranged husbands taking her to meet them or nightclub toilet workers.
Bim!
Seconds out!
Posted: 11th, January 2016 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
