Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
British Newspapers Duped By North Korea Win World Cup Story
NORTH Korea have made it to the World Cup final. The Metro reports:
“North Korea’s state controlled media is brazenly telling the country’s football fans that the national team have reached the World Cup final in Brazil… In a report posted on YouTube, the media have been caught broadcasting that North Korea are on course to win the biggest prize in football, despite not actually qualifying for the World Cup.”
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Juxtaposition Fail: Monty Python Suffer From Dementia
JUXTAPOSITION of the day: Monty Python and the “scandal of dementia patients ‘cut adrift’ after diagnosis” in the i:
Posted: 2nd, July 2014 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Killer Nazi Child-Eating Rats Take Over Britain: The tale Of The Daily Star’s Toothy Shockers
THE Country is in fear of “Monster Rats As Big As Cows”.
Cows are pretty big.
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Posted: 27th, June 2014 | In: Key Posts, Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Hacking: Rebekah Brooks And Andy Coulson – The Front Pages
MOST of today front pages concentrate on just one story: the hacking trial and Rebekah Brooks’ aquittal. It turns out that only her News Internaional junior, Andy Coulson, knew it was going on.
Daily Mail Sexism: Maria Sharapova Is Only There To Support The Men
WIMBLEDON is here. And that means the …TWAGS. Who they? They’re the Tennis (players’) Wives And Girlfriends.
The Mail spots a few of the blonder ones. But – hold on – don’t women play tennis, too? And isn’t that Maria Sharapova, this year’s Number 5 seed and a former Wimbledon champion?
I could be wrong, Daily Mail, but I think Maria Sharapova might not just be going to Wimbledon to cheer on her boyf. pic.twitter.com/8MrCt1PXNh
— Primly Stable (@PrimlyStable) June 23, 2014
It seems that even the Mail has limits to its seism, and soon changes the image, but not the caption:
The Daily Mail: Lifestyle Gives You Cancer
ADD this to the list of things that give Daily Mail readers cancer:
England Fans Drink 17 Pints Each Watching World Cup Defeat
GOOD to see that in this age of electronic journalism, the Daily Mail hacks are keeping their bottoms up in the pub.
The report on England’s defeat to Italy in the World Cup includes a great statistic:
A million England supporters packed into 32,000 late-opening pubs for 11pm kick-off, drinking 17.5million pints
Admittedly, 17.5 pints a head is bellow optimum drinking capacity. But it encouraging:
The Sinking Sun: Today The Royal Mail Put Shit Through 22 Million Letter Boxes
NORMALLY if someone puts shit through your letterbox, that person is in breach of the law and could face prosecutions.
Yet today 22 million homes had a piece of shit on the doormat, delivered courtesy of the Royal Mail.
Postal workers refused to deliver said item in Liverpool, in deference to local sensibilities, but the rest of England was not so fortunate.
‘FREE HISTORIC EDITION’ announces the front page: ‘THIS IS OUR ENGLAND’.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is The Sun 2.0 2014.
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The Daily Mail Reduces JK Rowling’s ‘Air Bags’ To A 1950s Ideal
THE Daily Mail is read by women who enjoy disliking other women.
In today’s newspaper, readers are treated to a banner declaring “How women’s bodies have ballooned since the 1950s”.
Ballooned is not a word associated with praise, is it? A balloon is…
an inflatable bag (as of rubber or plastic) usually used as a toy or for decoration
That’s women for you.
And below that appraisal of the female form, the Mail has a photo of JK Rowling, the Harry Potter writer. Eyes wander to her bosoms, or “air bags”, as the Mail would have them.
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Posted: 12th, June 2014 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
I’m A Celebrity 2010 Line Up: Shaun Ryder To Eat Gillian McKeith
I’M A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! 2010. It’s a bumper crop of gonad munchers:
Nigel Havers – The Hugh Grant of his age. Fopped his way to glory in Chariots of Fire; son of former Lord Chancellor Baron Havers; never made it as a film star; most recently seen as a rent-a-shag in Coronation Street.
Chances of winning: 4 Gonads (of five)
Gail Porter – TV presenter famous for losing her hair to illness; shagging a minor pop star; having her naked arse broadcast onto the side of Houses of Parliament; talking about the above three things ever since.
3 Gonads
Shaun Ryder – Happy Monday’s singer. Who will Shaun eat first? And will they be raw?
4.5 Gonads
Britt Ekland – Actress and former Bond Girl famous for being well fit in her youth. Once married to Peter Sellers. Still blonde.
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Posted: 9th, November 2010 | In: Key Posts, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Omar Bakri Declares War On The X Factor
SLOW News day. Then call Omar Bakri. Come in Omar Barki… Do you read me?
The Sun picks up its walkie talkie and tunes into the Bakri cackle. The result is nothing less than “THE X FATWA – Terror alert as Bakri slams troops charity song”.
Eat your heart out Mazher Mahmood, News International’s fake sheikh. Bakri is the real deal, bringing front-page exclusives on a daily basis.
(If you call, he’ll rant about whatever you like. Omar, if you’re reading this, set up a premium rate RANT LINE. I’ve got ideas, call me.)
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Posted: 21st, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Oasis Hit The Stars
GORDON Smart, Oasis PR man and Sun columnist, make use of the asterisk in a piece on Noel Gallagher.
Oasis are planning a tour, and of late the Sun has been full of stories about Noel saying this one is a ***, another one is ***-**** and so-and-so is a complete **** ****p** *ll***g.
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Posted: 17th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Ladies Night Bansturbation, With Carroll, Pelling And Birtles
THE columnists are contemplating a ban on free drinks to ladies in the pub:
Until the government proposed a ban on drinking establishments handing out free bottles of wine to female customers, I had no idea such practice was commonplace. Maybe I need to get out more – Sue Carroll, Daily Mirror
And you don’t have to go alone, Sue…
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Posted: 16th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Mirror Falsly Claims Madonna Ritchie Divorce Scoop
THIS whole Madonna and Guy thing makes me really, really sad. Not because they’re splitting up but because the torture of pretending they weren’t since our exclusive story waaaay back in June”.
So writes Polly Hudson, the Daily Mirror’s celebrity watcher, who possibly saw yesterday’s Sun front-page. Or as other put it:
Divorce? No… Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s civilised separation – Daily Mail, May 25, 2008
The story was taken up on the web blogs:
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Posted: 16th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Good News: Guy Ritchie And Madonna Feel The Strain
CELEBRATING the divorce of Madonna and Guy Ritchie in the Daily Mail:
SOME GOOD NEWS AT LAST!
In other papers:
One more immigrant leaves: Daily Express
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Posted: 16th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Gordon Brown Finds The Family Pop Shaft
GORDON Brown is not into the cult of celebrity. He is on GMTV because GMTV needs him.
Gordon Brown will not parade his children before the media, especially when Ben 10 is on the telly and Gordon is called upon to hum the theme tune. His children are not props. His wife is more an autocue than a prop.
Gordon Brown is with Allison Pearson, of the Daily Mail, because he needs to be. He wants to be tough on Pearson and the causes on Pearsons:
The PM has been meeting people all day. But when we walk into the living room of the flat ‘above the shop’, there is someone else waiting patiently for his help – a small boy wearing a pair of cartoon pyjamas. ‘The wheel’s come off,’ says John Brown, five next week, handing over a Transformers car. ‘Fix it, Dad.’
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Posted: 16th, October 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: An Apology For Journalism, Desmond’s Reputation And Greenslade Scores
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
DAILY STAR: “’THE TAPAS SEVEN‘” – AN APOLOGY
The Sangria Seven, surely. Or the Tapas 9 (what happened to them?). But what of this latest apology? Ahem..:
In articles published in September and November last year we suggested that the holiday companions of Kate and Gerry McCann might have covered up the true facts concerning Madeleine McCann’s disappearance and/or misled the authorities investigating her disappearance.
Yes…
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Posted: 16th, October 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (359)
The Sewer Skewer: Man Cooks Kebab By Dead Body
“CARRY on cooking: Chef made kebabs as body of dead colleague lay on sofa.” So says the Mail. It is the Sun’s “Goner Kebab”.
And what of Jaswinder Singh? Is he billed in the tabloids as a consciencious worker, one in the eye for workshy shirkers? Is he a man planning ahead, going long on meat?
Is he ready to brandish a man-sized skewer and turn whistleblower on the kebab industry?
Is this a satire on kebab shop knifings?
No, he is the source of cheap puns and accusations.
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment (1)
When Tabloids Run The Banks
THE Mirror’s Stewart MacLean is sat in the foyer of RBS, Kensington.
He’s a shareholder now: “I reckon I definitely look the part as I confidently stride in with my laptop, a fold-up desk and briefcase.”
MacLean’s colleague Paul Routledge would rather see him stood on the counter with a tie wrapped to his throat and tethered to the ceiling fan, but this is MacLean’s first day at work. Patience.
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Christmas Day Lights: Climate Kops Wonder At Lights
IT’S just 71 days to go to Christmas and the tabloids finally have their first Christmas lights story.
Anorak’s man at the Mirror says:
“Things were getting proper dicey. We had an Our Maddie story on standby, a feature on what Our Diana would have done to help should she ever deign to emerge from her department in Harvey Nichols, and there was the story of how Our Gordon Brown is to duet with Howard on the Halifax ads, so we were covered for a few weeks.
“But still, squeaky bum time.”
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comment
Wayne Rooney Predicts: Cheryl Cole To Win
WAYNE Rooney is the Sun’s Mr Ben, getting dresses up whenever wife Coleen wants to tell us a secret about his once private life.
Today Wayne is wearing a turban, rings on his fingers and a look of wonder.
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Sports, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Madonna And Guy Were Trying To Act
MADONNA and Guy Ritchie are divorcing.
Why? Because they “can’t bear to live with the pretence any longer”.
Anyone who has seen Madonna pretending, or acting as one calls it, will know how unbearable things can get.
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Aliens Arrive On Earth Today
IF any aliens are reading this, when you come to Earth today, bring gold, a Wii, love, a new tie for Gordon Brown, world peace, the cricket ball you stole in 1983 and a huge ray gun.
As the Daily Star reported yesterday, “aliens are set to land on Earth tomorrow to prove to humans that there really is life out there”.
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Posted: 15th, October 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (15)
Di Another Day: Kate Middleton’s Car Phone
CALL the Celebrity Police Force. But we cannot. They are without a head, and the celeb’s face may not adorn the halls of Scotland Yard posing with a young CPC.
As Sun Page 3 stunna Keeley says: “Surely Kate can afford a hands-free kit… or she could get Wills to buy her one.” On a squaddies wage… No chance.
The Sun’s front-page reveals that Kate Middleton has been spotted driving a car while talking on a mobile telephone.
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Posted: 14th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Home Shopping: Posh And Becks Take On eBay Thieves
“BECKHAMS BETRAYED,” says the Mirror.
“Posh agony at ‘intimate’ items sold on eBay.
We feel her pain. You don’t put in the hard yards building the brand for someone else to cash in on your husband’s name.
News is that Beckhams’ housekeepers have been arrested on suspicion of stealing from the couple. As if Her Pohsness does not have enough to do looking after three kids and a mansion, she has to take care of a middle-aged couple.
What a gal!
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Posted: 14th, October 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
