Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Sock A Mum: Victoria Beckham Wears Gloves In Bed
VICTORIA Beckham goes to bed wearing socks and gloves.
This is not to best please Day-vid, who is building up to the day he gets his wife to wear a full balaclava and tuxedo in the bedroom, but to prevent her from ageing.
Says Vicky:
“I put really thick foot lotion on with socks before I go to sleep. I also use thick hand cream with gloves at the same time.”
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Soldier Ant: Ant And Dec Fight In Afghanistan
DECLAN Donnelly and Ant McPartlin are in Afghanistan.
While the enemy has boy soldiers, we have soldiers who look like toddlers. The Mirror leads with news that both are under attack.
The tots are in the war zone on the pretext of presenting our squaddies with Daily Mirror Pride of Britain awards, plastic medallions featuring the faces of EastEnders Mitchell brothers and the legend: “REAL NEWS… REAL ENTERTAINMENT, 40p.”
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Spotting Paedophiles In McDonald’s
“SEX offenders are being allowed trips to McDonald’s,” says the Star.
“Health bosses at a secure hospital are worried about breaching human rights.” Well, in that case don’t take them to the home of the international murder burger.
But too late.
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Jade Goody’s Epithet Of The Day
JADE Goody epithet of the day:
“BATTLING Jade Goody looks deep in thought yesterday as she prepares for another cancer fight” – Sun
More on Battling Jade to follow…
Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Back To Celebrity School With Peaches Geldof
THE headline “PEACHES: SPEND NIGHT WITH ME FOR £5K,” may bring readers to the conclusion that desperate Peaches Geldof is working as a good time girl.
It turns out that Peaches is being paid to attend “A list parties”.
So says the Star. But Anorak wonders if an A-list party needs a D-list starlet? And if the A-list party treasury committee have heard of the EU Celebrity Mountain and that you can hire a jobbing celeb for the whiff of a flashbulb and a pint of creme de menthe.
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Chanelle Hayes Exposes Omar Bakri’s Plot For Jihad In The Pole Dancing Club
DAYS on from news that mad mullah Omar Bakri paid for his daughter’s boob job and the plan to bring jihad to the country’s gentlemen’s clubs is curtailed.
The Star brings the front-page news that Chanelle Hayes will NOT be having her chest enlarged.
The Big Brother strumpet has made her decision in response to a Star reader’s poll. Tough on the War On Terror, and as patriotic as the next scaffolder, Star readers are turning their backs on artificial breasts, staring Islamofascism in the chest and saying “No”.
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Paul Newman Is Dead But There Are Icons Aplenty
PAUL Newman is dead. And the Daily Express’s Robert Gore-Langton asks: “WHERE HAVE ALL THE ICONS GONE?”
A trawl through the paper’s website reveals that they have gone into the huge file maked “Icon”:
Tonight sees the 90th birthday celebrations of one of the world’s most iconic and influential figures – Nelson Mandela.
SHE is the undisputed fashion icon of her generation – Kate Moss
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Madeleine McCann: Our Danny Baldwin And Using Maddie For PR
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
NEW ZEALAND HERALD: “TV Review: Out of the treacle comes trouble for everyone”
If anyone has wondered whatever happened to Coro’s cheeky cockney Danny Baldwin (Bradley Walsh), who went missing from the soap not long ago, here he is…
Where’s Our Danny?
“…playing a cheeky cockney in the missing-child drama Torn, which started on TV One last night.”
Any good?
When Torn screened in Britain a year ago, there was some debate over its merits because of the Madeleine McCann case.
With or without Our Maddie, it was dire… “it was like wading through treacle… Or like running up and down a beach in thick sand.”
PC WORLD (online): “Bungie accused of using Madeleine McCann case to promote Halo – ‘Maddie, where are you?’”
PC World… Isn’t that where Gary Glitter took his hard drive to?
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Posted: 29th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (112)
Nigel Lawson’s Law: All Fat Peopel Want To Look Rich
NIGELLA Lawson would like to tell Mail readers about her husband Charles Saatchi’s “nine eggs a day diet.”
In an exclusive interview with The Mail on Sunday’s You magazine today, 48-year-old Ms Lawson says her husband’s ‘completely mad eggs, eggs and more eggs diet’ now means that he is thinner than her.
Anorak recalls how former chancellor of the Exchequer Nigel Lawson, the masculine singular root of Nigella, also lost a shed load of weight.
It seems odd that the two males most associated with Nigella both now resemble the Christmas turkey that got away.
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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Paul Routledge Can Rejoice As Credit Crunch Banker Tops Himself
“CREDIT CRUNCH BANKER KILLS HIMSELF,” screams the Daily Mail’s front-page headline.
Kirk Stephenson, who was married with an eight-year-old son, died in the path of a 100mph express train at Taplow railway station, Berkshire. Mr Stephenson is believed to have taken his own life after succumbing to mounting personal pressures as the world’s financial markets went into meltdown.
Believed by whom, is not said. But at least one man is happy: Paul Routledge can rejoice:
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Posted: 28th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Prince Edward Finds Work On Queen’s New Jet
ONE day on from the Daily Star’s shocker:
“The Queen is skint and will run out of cash in just three years time..The news follows Playboy boss Hugh Hefner laying off his bunnies”
And the Sun leads with:
“AIR FORCE ONE – Queen to buy £7milion private jet – Her Majesty, who currently shares the use of VIP flights with Government ministers and military chiefs, has taken a close personal interest in the new jet’s design.”
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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Daily Mail, Daily Wail: Drinking Cat Piss
THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:
Wine taste funny? It may contain cat litter… Malcolm Gluck reveals the unpalatable truth about the wine industry
Although licking the litter tray is all the rage in France…
Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (18)
Jade Goody Wants Daily Mirror Readers To Tell The Kids
“HOW DO I TELL THE KIDS?” asks Jade Goody on the Mirror’s foremost news page.
Jade speaks not only of all the world’s children, but specifically of her own. Jade wants to know how to tell her children she has cancer. And the Mirror wants its readers to help.
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Posted: 27th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Madeleine McCann: In Majorca Like What She Not Oughta
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
DAILY MAIL: “Police search for Madeleine McCann in Majorca after British couple report ‘sighting’ on beach”
Not in Malta? Not in Morocco. Sticking with the “Ms”, we journey to Majorca…
Police in Spain were tonight searching the holiday island of Majorca for Madeleine McCann after a British couple claimed to have seen her on a beach.
But they said nothing?
Detectives were scouring hotels and holiday apartments for two dark-haired women seen with a young blonde girl matching Madeleine’s description.
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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (245)
Daily Mail On Cheap And Lazy Rehashes
SAYS RICHARD Littlejohn in The Daily Mail:
And finally, ITV says it will have to drop local news bulletins. It can’t afford its ‘public service’ commitments. Frankly, regional news on both BBC and ITV is a disgrace – consisting of on-the-cheap, lazy rehashes of stories nicked out of the newspapers…
Whereas the Daily Mail creates cheap and lazy rehashes of stories from foreign newspapers and the telly. In today’s organ:
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Eye-Eye: Madeleine McCann, Robert Murat And Gordon Brown In The Frames
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
INVERNESS COURIER: “Media is write stuff for latest Burn tale”
Caroline Flynn is at the Inverness Book Festival. And “Gordon Burn has assembled a cast of familiar faces for his latest — and perhaps final — novel.”
His last novel. Well, it will be hard to top…
Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Madeline McCann [sic] and John Smeaton all feature in a book set in the busy summer of 2007. But it is not the characters or the plot which form the core of “Born Yesterday”.
Sounds great. God. Politics. Maddie. Terror. Go on:
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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (45)
Lily Allen Wears A Necklace
LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s Uzi Scuzi
Singer Lily Allen scored more than a fashion own goal, when she was seen wearing a gold necklace with an Uzi machine gun pendant hanging from it – Daily Mail
More Lily Allen news tomorrow…
Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (17)
The Rosie Fingered Dawn Of Soapy Porn
“And over on ITV, Corrie turns more tawdry than ever,” says the Daily Mail, a fact illustrated by picture of Corrie’s 18-year-old slapper Rosie Webster in her bustier.
It is not the first time Coronation Street has gone for a shock effect using the Rosie Webster character. She was just 17 when scriptwriters cast her last year as a Lolita-style seductress having a sordid affair with her tutor.
How old was he, then? Just for, er, interest’s sake?
Mail readers clack their marmalade-coated tongues and fire off a foamy email:
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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Journalism Is Dead In Melbourne
VIA Tim Blair, news from Melbourne:
Journalism skills are hardly rocket science and can be acquired with experience and a little training,” writes Antony Loewenstein in Melbourne’s Age. Being deficient in both areas, the paper spells his name as “Lowenstein”.
Beyond parody…
Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
UK Is A Vegetative State
CREDIT Crunch news of the day: A turnip for the books…
“The humble turnip is helping crash-strapped UK families take the credit crunch out of the credit crisis”- Sun
Ours is a vegetative state…
Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Headline Of The Day: Car Not Stolen In Liverpool
LIVERPOOL cannot forgive the Sun. The paper’s coverage of the 1989 Hillsborough football stadium disaster in Sheffield, where 96 people died and hundreds were injured, followed the headline: “THE TRUTH”.
The paper said fans had picked the pockets of crushed victims, that others urinated on members of the emergency services as they tried to help. They had assaulted a Police Constable “whilst he was administering the kiss of life to a patient” (19 April 1989).
Now it says:
“Man united legends’ car NOT nicked in Liverpool”
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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Spice Girl Mel B Auctions Off Her Former Selves
“I HOPE that people have fun bidding for piece of me,” says Mel C, the former Spice Girl and Carol Jackson acolyte.
Old Mr Anorak has always quote fancied Mel’s left bosom as a novelty soap dispenser.
And he and you can bid for that and more. Also up for sale is “the designer frock she wore when she met Nelson Mandela.”
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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Cheryl Cole Can More Than She’s Cried
“I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED,” says Cheryl Cole in OK! magazine.
“SOBBING CHERYL’S AXE FACTOR,” announces the Star’s cover page. “She’s told: Stop all that snivelling or you’re out.”
Cheryl can cry when teh job demands it.
As a judge on the X Factor talent show, Cheryl and has correctly realised that the point of the thing is to reveal the judges to be caring, sensitive, talented people who can cry as some sad sack with adult acne/ a poorly mum/ starving brown bay-bies sings a version of a Bette Midler song.
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Posted: 26th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Amy Winehouse Is Sick On Harvey Nichols
HARVEY Nichols loaned Amy Winehouse £25,000-worth of clothes. And the store got it all back. As the Mirror notes:
“She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.”
“Even worse, green, furry mould had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable. The store has now asked for its £25k back.”
Of course, this might be the start of a new fashion. Ashley Cole has been notified….
Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
McCartney Plays Israel And The Super Furry Animals Die
PAUL McCartney is to play Israel, and the suicide bomber will try to hit a moving target as Macca’s head wobbles this way and that.
“We have worked it out,” says the Indy’s front page
All you need is 5,000 bodyguards – £1.5million security blitz to protect Macca from security threats,” says the Mirror, in words that Yasser Arafat look-alike Ringo Starr would put to music.
But what if… what if Macca is killed?
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Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
