Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Javine Hylton Summons The Celebrity Police Force
JAVINE HYLTON has been arrested by the Celebrity Police Force, reports the Sun.
Javine was arrested after, allegedly, “leaving a foul-mouthed voicemail for her ex-manager”.
Readers may believe that obscene phone calls are Javine’s new work, her singing career having hit the skids since the halcyon days of failing to get a place in Girls Aloud and flashing a nipple (hers) on Eurovision.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
On The Sofa With Jordan’s Off-Cuts
CHANTELLE Houghton is a Big Brother housemate emeritus.
And now the Big Brother fanzine known as the Daily Star brings front-page news: “MY MARRIAGE WAS A BIG BROTHER FAKE.”
Chantelle, a woman comprised of Jordan’s rendered off-cuts – bits of Jordan are pressed together and piled onto Chanelle in the manner of chicken fillets onto a shish kebab – is on the telly with Piers Morgan in his show The Dark Side Of Fame.
Says she:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Madeleine McCann Not A Victim Of The Credit Crunch
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
STOCKPORT EXPRESS: “WHAT Credit crunch”
Can the credit crunch be linked to Madeleine McCann? It’s been tried before.
DESPITE the credit crunch, one or two businessmen and woman are doing well enough to make it onto Stockport’s rich list, according to a recent publication.
Stockport’s rich list is required reading in the area’s golf clubs and jails…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 25th, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (242)
At Home With Gordon Brown And His Props
OLD MRS Anorak The IV would like to tell all Anorak readers that her husband is a brilliant man and though not a celebrity, he is a good egg and blessed with the stamina of a Latvian fighting cock.
Like Gordon Brown, the non-celebrity who tells the Mail:
“The boys are our lives. They are just an amazing gift, and, when John was born, it was such an exciting occasion. To know he was healthy was incredibly important.”
Because as Gordon says: “My children aren’t props: they’re people.”
Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Culling Time: Big Brother’s Jen Promises To Kill Sara
ANORAK calculates that there are still five more permutations for Big Brother housemates to work: Sara has yet to shag Jen, who has yet to shag Mo, who has yet to shag Steph, who has yet to shag Mario who has yet to be admitted to The Priory.
Today the Star reports that Sara has been involved in “girlie romps” with Jen.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Who’s Saari Now: The 12th Rule Of Tabloid Journalism
THE 12th Rule of Tabloid Journalism states:
“Each and any incident that can be linked to a website on the internet must be. If victim or perpetrator of crime or deed has a social networking account it should be mentioned at all times, preferably in the headline. The inference should be that the web was the trigger to the action.”
Example:
Matti Saari, 22, shoots and kills 10 people at a school in Kauhajoki, western Finland. He had posted online videos of himself at a gun range. He killed himself.
Headlines:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Robbie Williams Catches Big Foot
IN “ROBBIE GOES APE”, Daily Star readers are told that Robbie Williams has emerged from a “12-week exile dressed in a gorilla suit”.
Further in, and the suit is billed as that of a “gibbon”; although both beasts do allow the Star the chance to say that Williams has gone “bananas”.
There’s the pun: there’s the news story. There’s the call from Peta.
But…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 24th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Princess Diana On A Horse And The Elephant In The Room
IT’S her. It’s Princess Diana on the front-page of the Express. Today Diana is wearing a pearl chocker, pearl earrings and a lilac collar.
This is Diana’s letter-writing outfit du jour. And the Express has peeked at her “revealing letters to nanny”.
“HOW DIANA CONFESSED IN LETTERS: WHEN I DANCE I LOOK LIKE AN ELEPHANT.”
Is that an elephant dancing, or just an elephant in a sequined dress and heels? And when did Diana see either vision, at a party, perhaps, for Prince Edward’s 21st?
Nanny is Mary Clarke, who is selling off her Diana Letters to the highest bidder. The letters are nothing short of sensational.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Credit Crunch: Sue Carroll Is Down There With The Have Nots
SUE Carroll, the Mirror’s well-paid blonde, white columnist is considering the credit crunch, and hits upon the idea that when money is tight the poor suffer.
In “It’s Britain’s poor who are really feeling the credit crunch”, Carrol opines:
As a nation we’re feeling stressed, physically under par and tired. I get that.
Adding:
There’s nothing more repellent than listening to the haves pretending they’re down there with the have-nots.
Yeah. That is just so pathetic…
Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Chip Shape Victoria Beckham Calls The Baby Ordering Service
“I’M not even trying to get pregnant at the moment,” says Victoria Beckham, batting off advances from the Sun’s Victoria Newton and a loaded turkey baster.
Instead Her Poshness wants to make use of the Celebrity Baby Ordering Service, the Anorak agency that logs all demands for babies from our elite stars.
Says Posh:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (14)
The Madeleine McCann Christian Prayer Circle Says God Took Her
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
CHRISTIANITY TODAY: “Christians pray for missing Madeleine”
Christians around the world joined in prayer on Friday for the safe return of missing Madeleine McCann and the release of all children held by criminal networks.
Do the Christians know what happened to Madeleine, then?
The worldwide day of prayer was organised by the Madeleine Prayer Circle.
Join hands…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 23rd, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (225)
Schoolboys Encouraged To Get Back To Nature
“SOMETHING is not right when a boy can’t sit down and watch a nature documentary on TV because he is to busy doing maths.”
Or doing Countdown, as it is known in the parlance of the modern school.
Gary James, deputy head of the Tiffin boys school, puts into words what millions of us have long thought.
Year 7 is a haven for boys aged between 11 and 12, and if they can’t watch two dung beatles copulating on a pile of donkey excreta, then what is education all about?
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
Lily Allen’s Key II
LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys II
Lily Allen managed to keep a Smile on her face after locking herself out of her new North London home – Gordon Smart, The Sun
More Lily Allen news tomorrow…
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Credit Crunch: The Baby Boom And Bust
CREDIT Crunch news of the day: “BED-IT CRUNCH”
BRITAIN is heading for a baby boom as the credit crunch is forcing couples to entertain themselves at home. People have limited cash to splash at pubs and restaurants so are spending more time in the bedroom.
Sales of maternity clothes rose by nearly half last week, says the Sun:
But it’s no free ride:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Victoria Beckham Runs On Chips
SUN readers can learn today why Victoria Beckham has “finally started to smile”.
Beneath a picture of Her Poshness, the Sun’s other front-page story is: “DAD KILLS TWO TOTS”. We wonder if these exclusives are linked and Posh has developed a darker, meaner character?
Inside the paper, we learn that Posh is happy because: “I’m eating more, I run 4 miles a day and I shop less.”
If she ran to the shops, Sticky Vicky could combine her twin passions and not be so hard on herself? Better yet, if Posh were to have her keep-fit trainer run just ahead of her trailing a hearty rice cake and a mirror?
And why else is Vicky smiling-ish?
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (15)
Credit Crunch: Heroin Dealers Make Rasher For It
CREDIT Crunch news of the day:
“SHOPLIFTERS ARE GETTING RASHER – Bacon is stolen to order”.
It’s the CREDIT BRUNCH, reports the Star, albeit missing the pun.
To a boarding house in Burnley, where the breakfast menu is being perused…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Strychnine Come Dancing: Jessie Wallace Declares War
JESSIE Wallace “EXPLODES”.
With Big Brother at an end, the Daily Star mans the news wires and looks elsewhere for news.
And it finds the sensation that Jessie Wallace, the former EastEnder starring as a trainer dancer on Strictly Come Dancing, has called model Jodie Kidd a “horse” and actress Cherie Lunghi a “snob”.
And when Jessie Wallace explodes, you’d best duck lest a sequin take an eye out. This is “war”.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Lily Allen’s Camper Keys
LILY Allen News Of The Day: Lily’s keys
So we weren’t surprised to see this snap of Lily, 23, laughing her wellies off after dad Keith locked his car keys inside his camper” – Daily Star, Goss Girls
More Lily Allen news tomorrow…
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: The News Of The World’s Sorry Apology For Tabloid Reporting
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
HAVING read “the heartbreaking TRUTH that destroys the lies of Portuguese police”, the oh-so-caring News of The World tells its readers:
“We today offer Kate our immediate and sincere apologies.”
No need, surely..?
The News of the World only published extracts from Kate McCann’s private diary because it cares. It wants to help. It has investigated the case of her daughter’s vanishing and found that the Portuguese police are bungling and to blame.
Yeah, those sicko coppers like Goncalo Amaral who seek to profit from the McCanns agony by publishing books. Not sure how much Amaral’s book costs, but the NOTW is under a pound.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 22nd, September 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (353)
Brave Jade Goody Is Sobbing
“I’M IN pain but I won’t tell my boys,” says Jade Goody in the news of the World.
Better, perhaps, Jade’s little pork balls read it themselves, or learn it from one of their classmates whose mum or dad reads the NOTW.
As ever celebrity cancer-victim Jade Goody has an epithet. Having been, “Crack” Jade Goody, “BRAVE Jade Goody,” and “WEEPING Jade Goody”, she now appears as “SOBBING Jade Goody”.
Jade has enjoyed a type of fame for some years now but still the papers resist calling her “TROUBLED Jade Goody”. How she has tried to attain the ultimate qualifier, but it stubbornly remains the preserve of for A-listed like Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 21st, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Greatest Non-Sequitur Of The Decade
HEADLINES like “WE‘RE ALL F***ED” (all papers) might have led readers to believe that the world’s economy was in freefall and we were all doomed to rearing turnips as a source of fuel, housing and good, clean, honest fun.
Now the Times says we’ve been to “Hell and back”. The Express leads with “SHARE BOOM SENSATION”. “The panic is over…possibly,” says the Independent. And the Sun commands readers to “FILL YOUR BOOTS”.
We’ve never had it so good.
(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)
And that goes for Gordon Brown, too, who is the recipient of the Guardian’s non-sequitur of the decade: “After the crash, a record bounce – and Brown fightback begins.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 20th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Lap Dancing For Puritans
SAYS the Mail: “Pole dancing club licensed to open at site where Mayflower set sail… what would the Puritans have said?”
Well, considering they were leaving for the US, perhaps “Goodbye”, or “phwoarr!”..?
Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13)
The Paedo King Of London’s East End
THE Paedo King is upon us. He’s a new kind of paedo Leader. That; him in the picture, the star of the BBC’s fly-on-the soap EastEnders documentary.
People are up in arms. Or at least a person is: “Viewer fury over Enders paedo plot,” says the Sun.
The row comes as it was revealed actor Chris Coghill, 34, is under 24-hour police protection over fears he will be attacked for playing paedo King
Says the paedo king:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Skatey Kate Middleton Makes Jan Moir Eat Her Teddy
PRINCE William’s lover, the leggy Kate Middleclass, is, like her man, playing at dress ups. Yesterday, Kate was in the papers dressed as a roller (S)Kate-r.
She was “Disco Queen Kate” (Express); “ECHOES OF PRINCESS DI” (Sun); “ROLLER SKATING” (Sun). And the Mail heralded her on its front page as “Skatey Katy”, looking on as she heading to her roller disco in “sober black boots”.
One day on and Kate Middleton is still in her green spandex top, yellow short shorts and roller skates. Has she been home yet?
She’s on the ground. “KATE IN A STATE,” says the Sun. It’s “Skating Kate’s tumble,” says the Express. And the Mail asks: “Is this a portrait of the future Queen of England?”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Robbie Williams Is The Aliens’ Ambassador For Planet Earth
“TAAAAAAYYYYKE me to your leeed-der!” sing the aliens, having been taught the language by Robbie Williams.
With neither Barack Obama nor John McCain yet declared leader of the world, and the Labour Party with no fewer than 17 leaders at any one time, the aliens’ demand may spark as much confusion as it does dread and wonder.
But before the invasion, rich and single Robbie Williams needs to meet the space hoppers, which Michael C. Luckman, director of the New York Centre for Extraterrestrial Research, says might happen.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 19th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
