Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Bullie Piper’s Boobs
BILLIE Piper is in conversation with the Sun’s Emma Cox. Ooer…
“It’s nice having boobs. I think when you don’t have them you find ways to make yourself feel better about the lack of cleavage…
“Then they’re there and you’re like, ‘How am I ever going to live without these?’. That’s my next problem. You love them so much and you really want to get them out a lot and just expose yourself to anyone who wants to see them…
“Should you go around showing what you’ve got, or keep it under wraps because you’re about to become a mum? It’s a dilemma — but I just tend to get them out.”
What to do..? What to do..?
Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Tony Blair Cops Storm In Starbucks
“BLAIR COP LEAVES GUN IN LOO AT STARBUCKS.”
So says the Sun’s front-page screamers. And we ask: What’s a Blair cop, and how does it differ from Christian soldier, if in any way? And should we be worried that Blair cops have guns?
And do the Blair cops plan to storm Starbucks, that sink of watery coffee and tasteless cakes, thereby reconquering the British high street with single shot, a double shot and a triple shot?
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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)
The Jade Goody Decade: The Ten-Year Plan And An Indian Take-Away
“I FEAR MY CANCER’S SPREAD,” says the Jade Goody-inspired headline on the Mirror’s cover.
This is not a metaphorical tabloid cancer, and right now millions of youths are not racially abusing Asians for our entertainment. This is real cancer. This is Jade Goody’s celebrity cancer.
News is that doctors have warned Goody that she “could have less than 10 years to live”.
Ten years..?
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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Manchester City: Robinho Introduces The MAGs
MANCHESTER City’s new player Robinho is pictured in the Mirror, topless and in the arms of a woman.
Anorak is unfamiliar with Mr Robinho’s life.
And on viewing the image, Old Mr Anorak supposed Robinho was being portrayed with his wet nurse or an older lover, an impression not unaided by her circling resting on his right nipple.
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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Credit Crunch: Cats And Dogs Are Cheap Protein
CREDIT Crunch news of the day: Credit Grrrunch:
“Hard–up owner put their pets to sleep to save cash”
In the oven, on 220 degrees C or gas mark 4. You reared your dog, and you need the cheap protein…
Sick cat and dogs are being put down because their credit crunch-hit owners cannot afford the vets’ bills, a survey has found.
Grim news for pets. But not everyone’s a loser:
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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Madeleine McCann: Buy The Flat And The Villa For The Maddie Experience
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
Old Mr Anorak’s property portfolio is burgeoning. To go with 10 Rillington Place, 23 Cranley Gardens and 25 Cromwell Street, he can now snap up the holiday apartment Madeleine McCann was staying at the time of her disappearance…
GLASGOW DAILY RECORD: “Maddie Flat Up For Sale”
Portuguese newspaper 24 Horas said the asking price is “substantially higher than others with similar characteristics, also on sale in Praia da Luz”.
Why’s that then?
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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (349)
Big Brother ‘Fixed’ It For Rex
BIG BROTHER is “fixed”. Fact. The Daily Express says so.
Who knew that at the death of this season’s show, Big Brother would turn out to be about as authentic as Old Mr Anorak’s first wife’s passport.
And the Star has proof. Want to know what the proof is?
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Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
F*cked In Dubai: The Defence Of Vince Acors And Michelle Palmer
MR VINCE Acors is accused of having al fresco sex with one Michelle Palmer in Dubai, and in breach of local laws.
Anorak rarely comments on cases sub judice, but would like to commend your attention to the words of the defending lawyer Hassan Matter. Says he, as told by the Daily Express:
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)
Killer Caffeine Is Killing Our Kids
YOU want a media horror story? Here’s one: the Sun says that schools are on “caffeine kid alert”.
Who is this Caffeine Kid, and how do we summon him? Is he bad or good? If bad, can he undone by Ritalin or a pint of London tap? If good, will he pop to the shops and give the upstairs toilet a good once over?
School nurses have been told to watch for signs of caffeine addiction in kids caused by drinks including Red Bull and cola.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Madeleine McCann: Live Like The McCanns As Their Praia Da Luz Apartment Goes On Sale
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann
DAILY MAIL: “Holiday apartment where Madeleine McCann went missing goes on sale for £250,000”
The infamous holiday flat where Madeleine McCann vanished has been put up for sale for £250,000.
Can a flat be “infamous”? It was the flat wot dunnit?
Potential buyers could begin viewing the flat from as early as next week, raising the possibility of voyeurs keen to see where the three-year-old disappeared looking round.
Dreadful. Better to just look around the property on the Mail’s website.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (334)
David Beckham’s Nutrition Advice For The Painfully Thin
WHO is David Beckham talking about as he writes in the Mirror:
David Beckham Soccer Aid exclusive: You can help us tackle hunger
Who is us?
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
The BNP’s Hitler Youth, CCF, Nashi And Other NUT Jobs
THE British National Party is “running Hitler-style training camps to teach children how to use guns and knives.” So says Jason Beattie, the Mirror’s man in the fatigues.
It’s a bit like the Canadians do (see video), albeit without the grenades, and the Nashi Russians.
So says the Mirror. The BNP is an abhorrent organisation, but might the Mirror have got it wrong.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (34)
Jade Goody’s Checks Her Tweed Rock
MORE on the tabloids “brave” Jade Goody turning into “tearful” Jade Goody.
Jade is shedding a tear for Jack Tweed, her “rock”, jailed for basalt (geddit?).
Jade is clutching supplies for her man on the inside: razors, a toothbrush and trainers.
Facts. You want more facts. Can you handle the facts? Here goes:
“Later Jade is believed to have met her doctor to discuss her cancer treatment.”
Facts.
Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
This Warning: Fern Britton’s Son Could Join Gang
FERN Britton, she of the high-waited gastric band and This Morning TV show, says:
“I don’t have experience of a child in a gang yet, I might do, but I hope to God I don’t.”
Fern’s sons are 14-year-old Jack (naturally) and Harry (ditto). They live with mum in Homer Green Buckinghamshire, a no-go zone for police because there is no reason to go there.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Al Sugar’s 54-A-Side Manchester City
“SHEIKH YOU BOOTY,” screams the Sun’s front-page headline, as “Arab sheikhs” (are their any other?) buy Manchester City and set about buying every single footballer on the planet.
The Sun says Dr Sulaiman Al Fahim, aka Al Sugar, intends to “grab” Cristiano Ronaldo from Manchester United and demand that he pays the ransom for his victim of a red hot £134million.
Such is the way of football business…
Also on Al Sugar’s shopping list are Cesc Fabregas (£60m), Fernando Torres (£70m), Kaka (£80m) and Dimitar Berbatov for £60m.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Back pages, Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Sarah Palin: Britney Spears, Rednecks And Mum’s Bristol Fashion
SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the news…
Will the press that left Kathryn Blair alone afford the same courtesy to Sarah Palin’s pregnant teenage daughter Bristol Palin? Go on, take a guess…
DAILY EXPRESS (front page): “SCANDAL ROCKS U.S. – The Vice Presidential candidate, her pregnant teenage daughter and the redneck boyfriend”.
Scandal, indeed. How did the Governor of Alaska replace Madeleine McCann and Princess Diana as the Express’s cover girl? And is Bristol Palin blonde enough. Discuss.
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Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (19)
Credit Crunch Watch: Picking A Blackberry To Order
CREDIT Crunch news of the day: Blackberry picking:
Experts are warning that the traditional pastime of blackberry picking is a dying art, even though the current economic climate makes it the perfect time to plunder nature’s bountiful store cupboard.
CREDIT Crunch Watch: Anorak’s look at credit crunch in the news…
Posted: 3rd, September 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Food And Fat: The Tabloid Work Out
FOOD and fat advice in the tabloids:
While children used to play regularly on their bikes or kick a ball, they’re now more likely to spend their free time in front of a TV or a computer console. That makes it even more important they do some running around during the school day – Councillor Les Lawrence, chairman of the LGA’s Children and Young People Board, Daily Mail, 1/9/09
COMPUTER games are good for your health — even when played sitting down, boffins claimed yesterday – The Sun, 2/9/08
Which is why Team GB wins Olympic gold for rowing, cycling sailing and all other sports that involve sitting down…
Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Danielle Lloyd Gets Wood
CELEBRITY news of the day: Danielle Lloyd’s Got Wood
“And the 24-year-old tells us that Playboy boss Hugh Hefner, 83, is such a fan of hers, she’s in talks with him to create her very own version of Hollywood – Daniwood – up in the hills”
– Daily Star, Goss Girls
Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Vanessa Feltz Offers No Comment On Helen Mirren And Cocaine Barbies
A QUESTION for Daily Express readers:
“ISN’T it time Helen Mirren piped down? She’s like a tiresome teen who can’t think of anything useful to say and keeps up a constant gush of commentary just to be annoying.”
So says Vanessa Feltz, Daily Express columnist and local radio host. Irony free Vanessa Feltz’s constant gush of commentary is pricked by Helen Mirren’s comments, which are unworthy of comment.
Or as the Express says a few pages on:
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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Dail Wail: Cancer Jabs, Pet Killers And Death By Caesarean
THE Daily Mail searches horro stories, medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quest bears dividends:
“Hidden danger for cats and dogs in this soggy summer” – Snails are booming. Snails have never had it so good. Snails can carry a parasite that if ingested by cats or dogs will make them poorly, so too the snail…
“Schools ‘don’t have enough nurses to give cancer jabs’” – Nurses are giving our children cancer? Foreign nurses?
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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Pamela Anderson And Michael Jackson Make A Date For Mammy
THE Mirror’s 3am Girls say Pamela Anderson has been on a “string of dates” with Michael Jackson.
One wonders who Pammy knows it’s the singer and not just some random ginger dwarf with a missing glove. But the Mirror says it is him, so him it is.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Big Brother: Mario And Lisa’s Reality TV Show
THERE’S an “orgy of sex and bullying” on Big Brother.
So says the Daily Star, which leads with a picture of Big Brother Jen standing boso-a-boso with Big Brother’s Steph.
But before the tag-team-bitchiness and bosoming can begin, news is that Lisa and Mario are to get their own reality TV show, an PG (Please God)-rated version of the Test Card.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
How To Be A Gangster, By Jacqui Smith And New Labour
DO you know how to spot is your child is in a gang? The Mirror hears Home Secretary Jacqui Smith offers her tips, and notes:
“Key indicators include…coming home late, using drugs, drawing tags on books, wearing bandanas, using strange slang or hand signals, cutting themselves off from the family and having extra cash.”
Let’s consider the evidence:
Coming Home Late:
Alone, like Jacqui Smith.
Accompanied, like Jacqui Smith.
Taking Drugs
Like Jacqui Smith.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (14)
Pete Doherty’s One Hand Clapped In Austria
PETE Doherty is in Bettina Aichbauer’s farmhouse in Austria.
No, no, Doherty has not gone missing, and there is no strange smell wafting up from the cellar.
But there is a smell.
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Posted: 2nd, September 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
