Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Big Brother 9: Sara Folino And Maysoon Shaladi’s Mission Position
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
“BIG BRUV LESBIAN LOVE FIX.”
It’s the Star’s front-page news.
Sara Folino and Maysoon Shaladi were last night at the centre of secret lesbian fix claims.
Housemates “reckon the two shapely gals are struggling to keep their lust under control and are only doing so as part of a BB game”.
Who knew that after years of trailing live action shagging on Big Brother, shock value is to be had in NO live action shagging?
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Posted: 14th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Teach Knife Crime Teens Useful Skills In Hospital
KNIFE crime is big news. A knife features on the cover of the Scotsman, the Mirror and the Mail.
In “KNIVES TSAR IN CALL FOR NATIONAL SERVICE”, the Daily Mail speaks with “Police chief” Alf Hitchcock, a Scotland Yard Deputy Assistant Commissioner appointed by the Home Secretary to head a new national anti-knife crime programme.
He tells us:
“Most kids are not beyond the pale. Most kids are decent young people. We have let them down. Now it’s time to give them the hope they deserve.”
With that cleared up, Hitchcock advocates a non-military “national service”, what used to be called community service. Although the Mail hears: “Send jobless youths on national service, says Britain’s new knife crime tsar.”
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Posted: 14th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Angelina Jolie Prepares Fort Knox And Vivienne For Picture Money
“BABY Boy and Girl for Brad and Angelina,” says the new celebrity-focused Independent on its front page, news that echoes the Express’s lead headline.
“ANGELINA twins in £10million bidding war,” announces the Mail.
“Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s twins spark $11m bidding war,” says the Telegraph, underestimating the power of Knox, (the bundle of hair and poo named after the fort) and Young One Vivienne.
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Posted: 14th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Robin Gunningham Is Banksy
THE Mail on Sunday says the mysterious graffiti artist and native Bristolian Banksy is a 34-year-old former public school pupil called Robin Gunningham.
No, not that Robin Cunningham who passed away, at least we think not.
A spokeswoman for Banksy, a Mrs Gunningham, refused to comment on the report on her son. Says she to the BBC: “We get these calls all the time. I’ll say what I always say: I never confirm or deny these stories”.
She went on to say that Robin is a wonderful son, an enthusiastic artist, and when he settles down he will make somdone a very good accountant…
Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15)
Only Olympic Judo Winners Get Paid
A SURVEY by the Sunday Herald Sun, Australia, says Britain pays nothing to Olympic champions, except those who triumph in judo.
Given the recent headlines on youth crime and the Jeunesse D’ore’s favoured hobby of kebab-shop-stabbing, the British taxpayers’ money is safe when it comes to awarding trials of unarmed combat.
But why should any Olympic athlete get paid anything? Do you get paid to run about, hopping and swimming all day?
Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)
News Of Margaret Thatcher’s Death And The End Of Terror
“ULTIMATE HONOUR FOR LADY THATCHER,” announces the Mail on its front page.
What’s it to be? An Audience With Maggie, live on ITV, with the Iron Lady fielding questions from other 1980s stars, like TV’s Dirty Den, radio’s Kid Jensen and laughs with Freddie Starr, culminating in a duet in which Mike Yarwood plays Ronnie Renee-gan to Maggie’s Renato?
“Lady Thatcher to be honoured with State funeral,” says the paper, “but Palace fears there might not be enough troops to line streets of London.”
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Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (24)
Cheeky Girl Turns Her Back On Lembit Opik
INSPIRED by Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia and Lembit Opik MP, Carla Bruni and Nicholas Sarkozy dated.
But whereas the French president and the Italian model married, the original pop-politics duo have, reportedly, gone their separate ways – she to the knicker section and he to Coventry.
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Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (12)
Celebrity Scoop: Gemma Atkinson, Tom Cruise And David Beckham
THE NEWS of the World has news form Los aNgeles:
HOLLYWOOD exposed – Becks parties with Tom Cruise. PLUS: Gemma shops for bras
– Good luck Gemma, a woman whose new breasts take on the might of M&S…
Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Madeleine McCann: The People Analyses The McCanns’ Holiday
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
THE PEOPLE: “WISH SHE WAS HERE”
EXCLUSIVE Maddie in parents’ hearts as they take the twins on first break without her. Moving pictures of holiday brave McCann family thought would be impossible to bear
The People has no little power and can look into the minds of the MCCanns and actually see what they are thinking.
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Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (353)
Good Lourdes: Ingrid Betancourt And Liz Jones
THE Observer leads with a picture of Ingrid Betancourt giving thanks for her release from captivity at the Catholic shrine of Lourdes.
Observer readers may not be aware that Betancourt looks very much like Liz Jones, the Mail’s fashion expert. Cold they be related. And what odds that the Colombia’s Alvaro Uribe got the wrong woman.
Picture (via) shows Betancourt at a squalid camp, although the image is widely thought to be a fake…
Posted: 13th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Seven Stabbed To Death In Crazy 32-Hour Day
“SEVEN MORE STAB DEATHS IN A DAY.”
So says the Daily Express.
The Mail chimes in with: “SIX stabbed to death in just 24 hours as Blade Britain’s knife epidemic spirals out of control.”
But not as out-of-control as in the Express, which sees seven killed in “just 32 hours”.
The Independent does the maths: “Seven killed in a brutal 24 hours
Journalists are not famed for their grasp of maths but surely between them the Express’s John Chapman and John Twomey could agree that 24 hours make up one day, in the traditional sense?
Of course, the Express is, ait confesses, “TEN times better than the Mail”, and as any Express hack will tell you, seven is precisely ten times six…
Posted: 12th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Earl Spencer And Other Pretty Blondes
HEADLINE of the day:
“Earl Spencer spotted with ANOTHER pretty blonde”
– Daily Mail discounts rumours that Princess Diana’s brother is a ginger
Posted: 12th, July 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Daily Mirror’s Bog Standard Reporting On Amy Winehouse
SAYS the Mirror: “During a three-hour stint at the launch of her new club night in north London, Wino went to the ladies… 14 times!”
How this compares with the toilet habits of the nation as a whole is no less shocking, putting Winehouse in the top 9 percentile of toilet goers, but still some way short of the Val Doonican fan club which holds meetings in a toilet to avoid everyone missing the show.
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Posted: 12th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
James Clench Catches Up With Ronnie Woods Ekaterina Ivanova
CELEBRITY mullet tamer Ronnie Wood is in Ireland with a Russian teenager called Ekaterina Ivanova (possibly made up name).
The Sun has despatched its Phwoarnikova Legova Wimbledon correspondent James Clench (ditto) to Clane, Co Kildare, to find out the truth and deliver it to the paper’s readers.
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Posted: 12th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Big Brother: Bex Sex Hex
“BIG BROTHER SEX FIX FOR BEX,” scream the words on the Star’s cover page.
“She offers romp to beat axe.” Eat yer heart out, Anne Boleyn.
Bex is Rebecca Shiner, the dough-faced future BT call centre supervisor trying desperately to be liked and failing.
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Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (6)
Richard Littlejohn On Nazis And Michelle Palmer
DAIL Mail cabbie with a pen Richard Littlejohn sees Nazis:
AT last judgement day for the diversity Nazis
But not sub-editing Nazis. Littlejohn says that alleged Dubai beach shagger Michelle Palmer is 30.
A few pages on in the Mail and Palmer is a 36-year-old.
Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Sepp Blatter And Why Cristiano Ronaldo Is No Darren Ferguson
SEPP Blatter, the FIFA president, is musing on Cristiano Ronaldo’s move from Manchester United to Real Madrid:
“I think in football there’s too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere.”
The Sun is outraged and in “Sepptic Blatter” says the FIFA boss is a “disgrace”.
“To say that [Alex] Ferguson has treated the pampered multi-millionaire Ronaldo as a slave is a disgusting insult. Sir Alex has treated Ronaldo almost like a son…”
Almost, but not quite.
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Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (18)
Dubai Sex On Beach Case: Locking Up Is The New Staying In
MICHELLE Palmer faces up to six years choky for, allegedly, having sex on a Dubai beach with one Vince Acors.
The Sun speaks with her former lover, one Max Paterson:
“We had got to the stage where we wanted different things. I’m a lot younger and wanted to go our more drinking and partying, but she preferred to stay at home.”
Allegedly…
Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Ekaterina Dreams: Ronnie Wood’s Painting By Numbers
“RONNIE WOOD AND THE RUSSIAN TEENAGER,” announces the Sun. “Stone, 61, runs off with waitress, 18.”
Readers are shown a picture of “pretty” Ekaterina Ivanova, sitting in a dimly lit spot as if awaiting rescue. She is said to be Ireland with the pop star.
The paper says Ron’s wife, Jo, “53”, had believed her husband and the girl were on a “painting holiday”. She now tells us: “She is mad – she is a terrible alcoholic.”
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Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Gazza 2008: Bianca Gascoigne’s Tribute To Paul
GAZZA 2008 might be over, but the tabloids are still talking about the big summer footy battle, and now its got its first Wag.
Step forward and drop your shorts, Bianca Gascoigne. Says the Star’s front-page headline: “BIANCA – I love dad and he’s doing brilliant.”
Anorak readers versed in the highs and lows of the Gascoigne career, will realise that Bianca’s exposed backside is a tribute to her dad’s dropping of fellow England player Paul Ince’s shorts; her chest might be the same chest Gazza strapped on in his pomp; her over the shoulder look ape’s the filial glance Gazza gave Vinny Jones all those moons ago.
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Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Man Of Narcissus Steals Hair Loss Treatment
GOOD God.
ANDREW Oakley, Aged 47, of Narcissus Walk, Worsley, was found guilty of stealing a box of hair loss treatment from Boots and was given a six months community order – Salford Advertiser
Spotter: MK
Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment
Fernando Torres Is On A Hat-Trick
THE Star says that Spain and Liverpool striker Fernando Torres is “addicted” to the number 3.
Torres is turns out does every thing three times, everything three times, everything three times.
Torres has three sets of shorts, tops and socks laid out before each game. He recites the Frankie Howerd mantra “Nay, nay and thrice nay” three times before meals.
He envies England players with their three lions on their chests.
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Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Lily Allen’s Knife Aid
WELCOME to “knife Aid”, the “huge Geldof-style concert” hosted by Lily Allen.
Says London Mayor Boris Johnson in the Star: “It is brilliant that she using her influence to make stand and I look forward to hearing her plans.”
Anorak can exclusively reveal that the concert will take place on the kerb adjacent to the Cenotaph, the venue for all fallen soldjas, after which their will be drinks and seats at the kebab shop before a rendition of Da Last Possst by the Renault Clio players’ horn section…
Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Madeleine McCann: Child Alert, Daily Mail Knows And Fay Weldon
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
DAILY MIRROR: “McCanns win child alert fight MADELEINE”
Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday won their fight for an EU-wide missing child alert system, in tribute to their daughter Madeleine. A declaration supporting the couple’s plea attracted backing from at least 398 MEPs – more than half the 785 European Parliament members.
Or as the Mail said earlier in the week: DAILY MAIL: “Brussels throws out McCann’s appeal for European missing child alert system”
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Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (891)
Photoshopping Robert Harman In The Daily Mail
TAKE a look at these two pictutes of Mail hack Robert Harman on the golden spit of Sandbanks.
If they are in breach of copyright, we will take them down, and not, er, duplicate them…
Picture 1 caption: “Here comes the cavalry: Robert Hardman hits the beach”
Picture 2 caption: “This is no donkey ride: flanked by two Argentinian minders our man gets into the swing”
Posted: 11th, July 2008 | In: Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comment
