Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Mandela Gatecrashes Gordon Brown’s Party
“I’M 90, you know,” says Nelson Mandela needlessly.
Happily, Nelson’s birthday coincides with the first anniversary of Gordon Brown’s accession to power and the leader has allowed Nelson to appear at his party.
All the leading politicos who have shaped Brown’s career will be there: Bob Geldof, Cherie Blair and Bono.
Following a reading of Gordon Brown: The Collected Speeches by Norman Collier, there will be songs.
The London Evening Standard makes mention of Amy Winehouse. “Amy ‘will leave her sickbed’ for Mandela,” says headline.
And all thanks to the new improved NHS and the celebrated leader’s messianic qualities…
Posted: 27th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Madeleine McCann: A Solicitor Writes To The Express
LITTLE news in the Express of the paper’s once ubiquitous missing cover girl Madeleine McCann.
One reason could be that Express Newspapers have received a solicitor’s letter from the so-called Tapas 7 threatening to sue the paper in relation to “a number of articles”.
All ‘Our Maddie’ related content has been purged from the newspapers’ websites.
Can we expect another generous donation to the McCann fighting fund soon, and Madeleine to reappear on the papers’ front pages, albeit for one day only?
Posted: 27th, June 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (166)
Bald Men Banned From Holding Passports
IAN Down has had his passport rejected because his head is too shiny.
The Mirror says the 42-year-old had his passports pictures taken in a booth and was shocked when they were rejected by the passport office.
“I am shocked. I told them what it was but they said some countries might not let me in if they saw it.”
Has it come to this that bald persons are personas non grata in some countries, such as Finland where fat bald men can be mistaken for Don DeLuise and rushed by fans?
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Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment (1)
In Canada No One Can Hear You Scream
TO Shropshire, where “blinding lights” wash the A5 in an eerie glow.
Valerie Walters, Viv Hayward and Rosemary Hawkins are transfixed. Yesterday the paper led with news of soldiers who had spotted a “fleet” of 13 UFOS in the area.
Today, the Sun hears how the two women saw alien aircraft and alien beings on the way home from a night out 27 years ago. There is talk of feeling “strange”, feeling “bloated” and “no sound”.
The Sun says Viv now lives in Canada. Or does she..?
Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Celebrity Fact Of The Day: Lorraine Kelly’s Hoots With Boots
CELEBRITY fact of the day: Lorraine Kelly’s Hoots And Boots
TV presenter Lorraine Kelly is so proud to be Scottish she has even got a pair of tartan wellies. Says Lorraine: ‘I got wellies in all different colours. I’ve got tartan ones actually – they’re brilliant, absolutely brilliant, I love them.’
– Daily Star “Kelley’s wellies”
Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Naomi Campbell Falls Foul Of Nelson Mandela’s Merchandise Rules
TIRED of having celebrities clutter his house and ruin the carpet, Nelson Mandela has arranged to meet them in London’s Hyde Park.
But not all the great and good have been told and Naomi Campbell stands alone in the corridor outside Mandela’s study waiting to be called in for her photo and a sit on Santa’s knee (it’s him, it’s really him!).
The Star says this is because he “wants to punish the feisty star for wearing a symbolic Mandela baseball cap when she went ‘berserk’ and swore at air-port staff after her bag went missing, sources said”.
We who still have our Free Nelson Mandela T-shirts wonder if we are required to behave a certain way when wearing official Mandela merchandise lest we incur the man’s displeasure?
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Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madonna And Guy Go Solo In Milan
MADONNA and guy Richie are said by the Sun to have taken a “three-day break in a romantic city”.
Paris? Venice? Rome? No… Milan, home to suited Italian businessmen, heavy industry, the sky-scaring Pirelli Tower and the most expensive cheese and tomato sandwich Anorak has ever eaten.
The Sun says that while in Italy’s economic hub, Madonna and her Guy had different rooms, different schedules and “everything”.
Milan can test even the most solid marriage…
Posted: 26th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Daily Mail On Life After Come On Timmy Henman
TIMMY. Timmm-mmmeeeeee. Tiiiiiimmmm-ieyeieyeiey….
Sometimes you just have to love the Daily Mail and its wonderful sense of encouragement, optimism and by no means exclusive view of exactly what makes you British. You can almost sense the touch of the manic depressive in whoever wrote the headline, starting off encouraged, falling to uncertainty and finally to utter despair. A BRITISH WINNER, but it’s only day one, and in our view she’s not really British anyway, and she’s probably lower class, and not very good looking with poor dress sense too…
And so forth. Now Tim Henman, he knew how to lose a game in typically middle class fashion….
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)
How To Get Ahead In Journalism
WANT to work for newspapers? Here’s how, says Adelle Waldman:
Newspapers–once seen as less snooty than magazines–are no less exacting. There are basically two ways to get a job as a big-city newspaper reporter. One is to start at a small-town paper–step one–and from there work your way up to a slightly bigger paper–step two–and go on to progressively bigger and better papers, so that in five to ten years, you’re covering school board meetings in a major metro area, like Denver or Philadelphia.
Or you could realise that newspapers are on the down and sites like Anorak are on the up. Work with us…
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Celebrity Baby Ordering Service: Charlotte Church Requests
MORE on Anorak’s Celebrity Baby Ordering Service as singer Charlotte Church makes her request known.
“I want between four and six,” says Charlotte in the Mail, “and Gavin wants eight.”
Anorak notes that between four and six is most often “five”, which is three less than eight.
Some room, then, for argument, although if Charlotte orders now Anorak can guarantee five children and a free gift of three small his ‘n’ hers pug dogs…
Don’t delay!
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Here’s One John Leslie Didn’t Make Earlier
JOHN LESLIE is now chiefly famous for not being a rapist.
The former Blue Peter presenter is accused of sexual assault in an allegation made earlier and now repeated in detail and in a fact sheet made available to Daily Star readers.
Leslie is accused of raping a woman 13 year ago. He denies all claims made against him and says it’s “trial by media”.
(John Leslie, star of a straight to tissue movie with Abi Titmuss, is not to be confused with the John Leslie who features in the films Sexophrenia, Making Ends Meet, Debbie Duz Dishes III and Frisky Business.)
The paper has the Leslie statement in full, which begins “Yesterday I attended Teddington police station…”, thus beginning the explanation as to what the charmless presenter has been up to since he was last seen on ITV’s day time show This Morning some years ago.
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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Police Log: Photofit Of The Day
LOOK carefully at the photofit issued by police in Gwent in Pontypool, Wales.
Do you know this man?
He is said to have tricked a widow of 98 out of her life savings.
Says a police spokesman: “It’s the only description we have.”
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Big Brother 9: Luke Marsden Predicts The News
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
PSST! Wants to know the “sex secret of BB eye”?
The Star has stared long and hard at the show’s logo and can now revels that within it is the “hint to there being babes on the way”.
Says Luke Marsden: “There are three shards going into the eye. The red represents passion. So I think it means three new hot girls are coming in.”
That the thoughts of Luke now occupy the front page of a national newspaper is testament to the power of the show and to Luke’s foresight and nous.
A free £10 Big Brother FREE BET for all Anorak readers…
Other Luke Marsden predictions:
- Iain Duncan Smith will NOT be Prime Minister
- Dirt will not always got before the broom but will for a time follow the broom
- Someone in the Big Brother house will met footballer Anthea Turner at a celebrity dog picnic in Surrey
- The Star will continue to get is news from the telly
And many more…
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Lines On Wimbledon By Serena Williams And Maria Sharapova
FOR as long as Old Mr Anorak can recall Wimbledon meant just one thing: frilly knickers.
Cliff Richard had tried to move the summer event away from knickers toward boating jackets, but his work was undone by Ms Kylie Minogue seeing off the rain in a selection of knickers, culminating in her popping out of the men’s trophy dressed in a gold pair of apple catchers.
Says Maria Sharapova in the Mail:
“I’ve never worn shorts at a Grand Slam. I’m going to be debuting that. Call it menswear, obviously. It’s kind of like a tuxedo look, very simple lines, classic.”
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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse Puts Her Left Lung In
AMY Winehouse news of the day:
Say the Mirror’s 3am Girls:
“It seems nothing will stop Amy Winehouse from playing at Nelson Mandela’s gig on Friday night… She went into the studio for a few hours and sang her heart out. She sounded amazing.”
Daily Mail:
“Stars to miss Mandela show”
“..Amy Winehouse’s spokesman has admitted she may miss the charity event after the singer collapsed last week and was diagnosed with the early stages of the lung disease emphysema”
…Oh, the okey, cokey, cokey…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Game, Set And Clench At Wimbledon
IT’S Wimbledon and the talk is of the female players’ shorts game.
Pictures aplenty of Maria Phwaoarrapova in her shorts and knickers and shots of Dominika Cilbul-luva and Bethanie Gussett in the Sun.
The Sun’s worm’s-eye view is provided by one James Clench, whose job it is to make Sun footy fans think tennis is evey bit as good as Euro 2008.
To support the illusion, Clench calls upon a roofer called Steve. “I come here for the tennis but there’s no denying it’s a bonus to watch some of the women’s players running around in short skirts,” says tennis crazy Steve.
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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Summer Strikes For Improved Worker Health
“SUMMER OF THE STRIKERS,” screams the Mail.
The paper says the strikers’ “first action is likely to be a two-day stoppage next month which will see 800,000 staff – from binmen to classroom assistants – called out.” (The figure is 600,000 in the Sun.)
“TEACHERS STRIKE IN SCHOOL HOLIDAYS” might not be the most sensational headline, but it is grim news to the Mail, which also fails to say how you can tell when dustmen are on strike.
Meanwhile over on the Express, binmen, teaching assistants and asylum seekers learn: “SUNSHINE KEY TO LONG LIFE.”
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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Madonna And Guy Pop The Question
“MADONNA & Guy: Is it all over?” asks the Mirror in a front-page “EXCLUSIVE.”
Other Mirror front-page exclusives to look out for:
Is Madonna the new Diana?
Is Madonna a WMD?
Why won’t Madonna wear yellow ribbon in her hair?
Who says the moon’s made of cheese?
And so on…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Great British Phone Box Survey
THE Daily Express would like readers to know what is “THE VERY BEST OF BRITISH”.
The feature is illustrated with a picture of Great British red phone box, home to the Great British urine puddle, the Great British drunk, the Great British tart card and the Great British vandal.
The Express says the red phone box is the fifth thing respondents to a survey love best about Britain – “But it seems we still love the Queen’s English – if only we could find anyone who still speaks it…” It’s our Great British hospitality.
“Our favourite things include all the nostalgic symbols of a bygone Britain, like old-fashioned pubs, Sunday roasts, red telephone boxes, Big Ben and cream teas.”
Lumme! Has Big Ben gone the way of the roast mutton luncheon, sweet sherry for the ladies and scones with jam before cream and not the new fangled cream before jam?
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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
Gazza 2008: Back Of The 80s
MORE news form Gazza 2008, this summer’s big footy story.
“GAZZA & Shezza back togezza,” says the Star’s front page in newzzzzz to thrill.
“GIZZA Kiss,” says the Mirror. It’s “Gazza’s lovin’ smacker from ex-wife Sheryl.”
“GAZZA’S kiss of hope,” is also the Express’s lead news story.
It’s a game of two better halves going into extra time, paying the penalty for too much scoring and vowing that this time, more than any other time, this time, they’ll get it right…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Big Brother 9: Mikey Hughes’s Blind Man Bluff
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
WHAT Anorak said in jest occupies the Star’s front page: “CAN BIG BROTHER MIKEY SEE?”
The Star’s lead news reporter is tuned to the Big Brother Diary Room and hears the following exchange:
Mario to Big Brother: “There was quite an interest between Jennifer and Stuart. Her eyes looked as though she was staring into a shop window full of candy.”
The 43-year-old did an impression of how she looked, saying: “She was like that.”
Mikey: “Yeah – I noticed that!”
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Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (18)
Lee Ryan’s Blue Internet Moves
FORMER Blue singer Lee Ryan is expecting a baby with a fan who sent him “sexy pictures of herself on MySpace”.
Can you get pregnant via the internet? Mail readers reading the latest web shocker would do well to wrap their child’s mouse in a rubber Johnny, to be on the safe side.
The singer and his lover, one Samantha Miller, are planning to marry. And we learn that she once had a picture of Ryan on her bedroom wall.
It is unlikely that fans of Noddy wallpaper and Che Guevara posters will ever know the thrill of laying hands on their idol, although young boys so possess vivid imaginations and it costs nothing to dream…
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gazza 2008: Gascoigne Survives Group Of Death
MORE GAZZA 2008 news as troubled Paul Gascoigne is spotted walking in the grounds of his training complex with ex-Wag Sheryl and son Regan.
In what many are calling a cry for help, the Sun uses its front page to says that “Gazza, who is being treated at the Priory Clinic four miles away in Roehampton, donned a pink T-shirt and jeans for his day out” at Kew Gardens.
Reports the Sun: “Keen fisherman Gazza also perused the botanical gardens’ aquatic display.”
Said one onlooker: “It’s a game of two brain halves and with some decent coaching and pep pills (surely pep talk?) he can all the way…”
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
OK Ya! Kate Middleton And Wills Engage The Organs
KATE Middleclass and Prince Wills are to marry… each other. Hurrah!
“Double blow for middle class families,” says the Telegraph on its front page. But this is not time for petty jealousies and laments for David Cameron’s new centre parting, this is a time of joy.
The Express says there to be a Christmas engagement for William and Kate.
With any luck the paper’s sister organ OK! Ya will feature the event over a 78-page photospread, it being what his mother wold have wanted…
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Why Papers Love Wimbledon
RUB your hands on your flannels and say “Change Ends!” to the Sun’s “Perfect 10s of tennis”.
It’s Wimbledon and Sun has dusted off the puns to bring us the “Perfect 10s of tennis”, the “cream of the courts” getting “a strawberry fruitiness rating out of five”.
It’s head turning stuff:
Russian doll MARIA SHARAPOVA is just 21 but has already shown smashing form on grass…
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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)
