Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Euro 2008 With The Fritzls
FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Fritzls in the news
EURO 2008 – Who are you not supporting? Today we’re cheering on the Fritzls.
Says the Star:
Fritzl was a big football fan and the secret family he kept locked in his cellar in Austria also grew to love following the game on TV.
But, although Austria is hosting the tournament with Switzerland, his daughter Elisabeth and the six children Fritzl fathered with her had been banned from watching live telly.
Because:
Medics issued the order, fearing they would see news reports about themselves.
But Austria never progressed to the tournament’s latter stages, and for them ze competition vas over when zer Germans routed them at Ernst Happel Stadium.
“Shot-shy Austria frustrate coach,” says the BBC. “Germany are bombing on,” opined the BBC’s Mark Lawrenson, although on whom was not said.
The Beeb never got time to mention the Fritzls, but had Austria progressed to the quarter-finals it surely would have…
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Big Brother 9: Alexandra De Gale And The Max Clifford Brotherhood
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
OPPORTUNITY knocks for Alexandra de Gale, Big Brother villain elect who, as they Star says on its front page: “RUNS FOR HER LIFE.”
“BITCH Alex De-Gale is living in fear of losing her young daughter and attacks from Muslim fanatics.”
The Star is on first name terms with the woman now said to be trapped between social services (hairy lips) and Muslim fanatics (hairy chins).
She may also be wanted by environmental campaigners should she “flee the country for her own safety” – “One pal said: ‘Australia might be a good bet for her – at least until they start commercial flights to Mars. There isn’t anyone in the country who isn’t revolted by her.’”
No sooner has signs of life been found on Mars than it is being turned into a penal colony modelled on suburban Adelaide.
Of course Alex can be saved, and sources suggest she is also being hunted by the Jehovah’s Witness movement, Scientologists and the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme.
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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Madeleine McCann: Irvine Welsh, French T-Shirts And A Halo
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
SUNDAY HERALD: “I don’t believe we get rewarded or punished, but I believe we have a responsibility to try to get the best out of life and make it comfortable for other people”
IRVINE WELSH arrives at the Irish Film Institute in Dublin carrying a holdall in two-tone, light beige leather; it gives the impression that he has just walked in from a picnic. Natural atrium light swamps his head and in a flash he’s almost on top of me, swapping his bag from one set of fingers to another and shaking my hand. His face contorts: he is an hour and a bit late and he’s sorry.
A halo?
Welsh’s jacket is reversible yellow. His T-shirt, in French, says “What would you do if this was the end of the world?” Well? “I don’t know,” he says, apparently uninspired by the question he is advertising.
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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (318)
Naomi Campbell Trial: Kay Burley Goes Native?
TO a court in London where Naomi Campbell is up before the Beak.
She emerges from the dock wearing an haute court-ure off-the-shoulder smile, walking in step with Sky News presenter Kay Burley.
A bump. A bruise. And Associated Press photographer Kirsty Wiggleswort is, apparently, marked about the throat.
Says Burley, overheard by the Mail: “As far as I am aware I did not put my hands around her neck. I was hit in the face with a camera. Like anyone else would do I just put my hands up. If I did anything else, I apologise.”
Followers of the Campbell oeuvre will recognise this as the non-denial denial. When accused to attacking her housekeeper, Campbell’s laywer issued this statement:
“Miss Campbell’s housekeeper was notified that she was going to be let go because of things missing from the apartments, and all hell broke loose. The injury is self-inflicted. Someone with the prominence and affluence of Miss Campbell is an easy target. But I know Miss Campbell, and she is as beautiful inside as she is on the outside.”
Now listen as Burley explains:
“As far as I am aware I did not put my hands around her neck. I was hit in the face with a camera. Like anyone else would do I just put my hands up. If I did anything else, I apologise.”
A supporting backstory wrapped in a non-denial denial. Supported by a Sky News spokesman adding:
“Kay Burley was provoked by a hard hit to the face with a camera. She has already said that if she did any more than put her hands up, then she apologises.”
Has Burley been studying Campbell? And if she has, can we yet rule out the presence of a mobile phone?
Posted: 22nd, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
On Honeymoon With Peter Philips And Autumn
AFTER selling the rights to their wedding photos to Hello, What Do You Do? magazine for £500,000 Peter and Autumn Phillips are “risking a fresh row” by issuing pictures from their honeymoon promoting the South African resort where they stayed.
The Mail is disgusted and exposes the “five-star Tuningi Lodge”, venue of “candlelit dinners under the stars” and “privately guided safari tours around the 165,000-acre reserve” – “Madikwe is South Africa’s newest game reserve and is situated on the border with Botswana, on the edge of the Kalahari desert.”
Mr Phillips, who is 11th in line to the Throne, is said to have given Indigo PRCo, the publicity company that represents Tuningi Lodge, permission to release the images of he and his bride on honeymoon.
The company issued a Press release to accompany them, titled: ‘Newsflash: Royal newlyweds return from their first African adventure.’
It stated: ‘They enjoyed sensational sightings of elephants, lions, leopards and wild dogs on daily game drives mixed with total relaxation, pampering and delicious cuisine at the supremely comfortable Tuningi Safari Lodge.”
The five-star lodge ensured their first African safari together was filled with romantic touches, organising dinner a deux under the stars, breakfast out in the bush and a private safari guide to maximise enjoyment and guarantee unique memories.’
Of course, had granny managed to hang on to South Africa, the trip would not only have been free but necessitated Peter Philherup accepting a lion’s head and seventeen tribal virgins.
If anyone is to blame for this awfulness it is her…
Posted: 22nd, June 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Madeleine McCann: Daily Mirror Brings Yesterday’s New Tomorrow
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
DAILY MIRROR: Kate and Gerry McCann ask police to release vital files
The Mirror brings a follow up to the earlier story that the McCanns are to see the police files on them.
McCanns not seen poilice files today but might do tomorrow. Read all about it. Such is the news:
Kate and Gerry McCann will ask a High Court judge to order police to release files which they believe will help the search for their missing daughter Madeleine.
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Posted: 22nd, June 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (262)
Naomi Campbell Dodges The Tabloid Detective Agency
WAS it happy coincidence that Naomi Campbell’s appearance in court should coincide with Amy Winehouse’s removal from polite society (she’s in hospital) and an intermission in Pete Doherty’s Courtroom Tour?
Or can it be that celebrity misdermeanors work to a preordained timetable? Sensitive to the needs of the CPF (Celebrity Police Force), who with limited resources cannot expect to be photographed with celebrity liggers at the same time, celebrities work to a schedule.
Yesterday it was Campbell’s turn to be photographed with the CPF, and the Mail leads with pictures of the happy event.
So too the Sun, which says “raging supermodel Naomi Campbell hurled vile ABUSE and PUNCHED, KICKED and SPAT at cops” in a full and frank exchange of views at Heathrow Airport.
Campbell’s bag had been mislaid and her reaction sees her sentenced to 200 hours community service and a £2,945 fine.
The incident, transcribed in full, features Campbell yelling the line: “F*** off, I’ve paid five grand for this seat and I have a right to be on this plane. You can’t touch me, my cousin’s Scotland Yard.”
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Posted: 21st, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Ashley And Cheryl Are Sickly Sweet
MORE Euro 2008 news on the Sun and Mirror’s cover pages where Ashley Cole is poised to go all the way, and possibly make it to the sink, toilet bowl or cup.
And he’s not alone. To his side the Sun spots his wife, one Cheryl Cole, wearing a drip-dry bikini, protective hat and smile.
“Ash she gone mad,” asks the Sun, and we too wonder if Cheryl should venture out with Cole sans umbrella, tissues and sanitary wipes.
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Posted: 21st, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)
We’ve Been Here Before With David Davis And Kelvin McKenzie
WHEN press barons take on politics:
The prospect of Kelvin Mackenzie standing in Haltemprice and Howden on behalf of Rupert Murdoch reminds Leicestershire historians of the Harborough by-election of 1916. There, though there was a wartime truce between the main parties, the Liberal candidate Percy Harris (now best remembered as Matthew Taylor’s great-grandfather) faced a formidable opponent financed by the press baron Lord Northcliffe.
Thomas Gibson Bowles was the illegitimate son of a cabinet minister, the founder of Vanity Fair and The Lady, and the grandfather of the Mitford sisters. He had sat for King’s Lynn as both a Liberal and a Conservative. He stood in Harborough to protest against the Asquith government’s conduct of the war.
Percy Harris wrote in his memoirs: “The hoardings were covered with Daily Mail posters, ‘Buy Daily Mail and vote for Bowles,’ and a special issue of the Daily Mirror, then in Northcliffe’s hands, was published and delivered free to the voters.”
Harris won…
Posted: 20th, June 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse Catches Tony Blair
AMY Winehouse has the “classic sings of TB”.
Who on reading that does not think that Winehouse has taken on the characteristics of Tony Blair?
Of course Tony has never billed himself as TB, for much the same reason that the Beckhams do not have “VD” embroidered into their car headrests.
But the link between Winehouse and Blair is not diminished by reading the Sun’s headline in full: “Coughing up blood, no appetite, weight loss…Amy has the classic sings of TB.”
She’s now in hospital, where she will be for 40 days and 40 nights.
That his name bears the initials of a disease cannot have escaped Tony Blair.
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Posted: 20th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Big Brother 9: Alexandra De Gale Of Da Magick Lamp
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
MORE news on Alexandra de Gale, the former Big Brother housemate everyone at the Daily Star is talking about.
“POLICE TO QUIZ BB BITCH ALEX,” says the headline. “Big Brother bully Alex De-Gale faces a police probe over her gangster gun threats.”
Might this be Alex’s chance to embrace her new tabloid status as a celebrity bully?
If she can all the way, then hers is a career as the pantomime villain, a gangsta version of Aladdin at the Bridlington Apollo, in which Alex dresses as “da jeanie of da magic kebab” and doth spring forth and strafe the sad sacks with proper vexed pow pow? Innit tho.
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Posted: 20th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (6)
Big Brother 9: Deep Throating Watergate
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
FEELINGS of nostalgia wash over the Star as the paper’s hacks tune into Big Brother.
How they long for the 1970s.
If only this were the 1970s, Big Brother would be presented by a proper host like Dave Lee Travis with opinion from self-styled Leader of The Gang, Gary Glitter.
This hankering for the 70s is manifest in remembering Watergate. Alexandra de Gale has been evicted from the house and the Star lists her crimes thus:
CHIPGATE – She verbally attacked Bex, 21, Steph, 19, and Rachel, 24, in a row over burned chips and got an official warning.
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Dancing Queen: Elizabeth’s Waterloo
TABLOID story of the day: ” The Queen dances to Abba’s Dancing Queen, says Chris Evans”.
The Mirror reports that The BBC radio DJ hears the Queen opine:
“I always try to dance when this song comes on because I am the Queen and I like to dance.”
God save our thoroughly modern Lizzy…
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
A Slow News Day In Bournemouth
SLOW times in Bournemouth where disabled armed robber Kevin Staples is at the till.
As the Mail reports:
He had hobbled up to the counter at the gift shop Past Times, in Crawley, West Sussex produced a 12-inch bread knife and demanded the cashier empty the till.
He is then said to have “tried to lunge” towards the till.
But when the shop assistant shouted at him he carefully put the weapon in a bag hanging on his zimmer frame before hobbling out.
No joy in Crawley. But in Bournemouth…
Two days previously, he had help up a Bottoms Up off-licence in Bournemouth, Dorset, by waving a walking stick in the air.
He told staff: “Give me all the money from the safe or I’m going to batter you.” When an assistant said he did not have access to the safe or till, Staples mumbled ‘give me some fags then’ before hobbling out of the shop with the stick.
In other Bournemouth news, a “slow art” project called Real Snail Mail at Bournemouth University, features Muriel, Austin and Cecil, “snails for the electronic age”:
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (6)
That Daily Mirror Sienna Miller Exclusive In Full
THOSE DAILY Mirror just keep the scoops coming.
Not only is there an offer for 20% Dorothy Perkins goods (exclusive); not only is there a list of ALL the horse running at Royal Ascot; but on the front page there is more.
You want more? Can you handle more?
The more is the front-page screamer: “Sienna tells all”. It’s professional girlfriend Sienna Miller. And it is “3am exclusive”. It’s 3am and the phone is ringing…
Whipping through the paper, readers are confronted with 364 words of excited – and “exclusive” – prose. Of these words, Sienna utters 24.
Turning to the Mirror’s wee girls duo, Sienna utters:
“It has been hard work. I’m absolutely knackered. I don’t think I’ll be partying much tonight – I’ll leave that up to you two.”
Wow indeed.
Perhaps if the 3am Girls called themselves the 10pm girls they would catch celebs in more talkative mood
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Chavscot: Getting ‘Em Off At Ascot
IT’S Chavscot, the Ascot racing jamboree, staged in a beery hall by a circular midget farm in Surrey.
The Independent leads with a picture of two women dressed in matching day-glo dresses and feathery hats. Below them is the headline: “GM crops needed in Britain says minister.”
Well, we’ve already got GM people, dressed the same, behaving the same, homogenised by a diet of Bacardi Breezers, curry sauce and horse manure.
And they’re told what to wear by the Duke of Devonshire, who decreed that anyone entering the Royal enclosure should not wear mini skirts or strappy dresses (back to the closet, Eddie) and avoid streaky bottle tan, electing instead to bronze on a former plantation in the Caribbean.
The Telegraph Bryony Gordon wants to fit in and in “Ditch the decorum for a day at Royal Ascot” is advised by a “kind soul” to act like a lady.
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Big Brother 9: Alexandra de Gale Is A Media Genius
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
SO goodbye Alexandra De Gale, tabloid Big Brother bully elect.
The Guardian says de Gale was removed from the show for “behaving in an unacceptable and sometimes intimidating manner towards fellow housemates”.
Says the Guardian: “Big Brother ousts contestant over alleged gangster threats.”
De Gale suggested her fellow contestants would face retribution from her “gangster friends” after they nominated her for eviction: “But like I say, I get to go out, see everyone’s friends, I get to see their family. I get to do the shit that I wanna do. Pow, pow, pow.”
Alexandra is either an insecure, mentally negligible fool or a consummate media player.
She’s the Big Brother gangster! This is the slice of life stuff the newspapers want. What regret that the kitchen was not modelled on a kebab shop.
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (31)
Tabloid Pun Of The Day: Wimbledon
TABLOID Pun Of The Day:
Wimbledon tennis fortnight’s a smash for the short-term let
– The new tabloid Daily Telegraph
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Celebrity Fact Of The Day: Paris Hilton’s Man O’ War
THE Daily Star reports:
Paris Hitlon has become addicted to jelly fish.
Fact!
Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Daily Mail – Daily Wail: Money Causes Cancer
DAILY Mail Cancer Story Of The Day:
BBC: “Cancer deaths ‘higher in north'”
Death rates from cancer are higher among people living in the north than in the rest of England, research shows.
The National Cancer Intelligence Network (NCIN) looked at data from 2005, and found death rates in the north were around 20% higher.
Cancer deaths were lowest in the south and midlands.
DAILY MAIL: “Being well-off is a breast cancer risk”
Affluent women in the South are more likely to die from breast cancer than those with more disadvantaged lifestyles
Such are the facts…
Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)
One Of Our Trampolines Is Missing
IN JERSEY four separate trampoline mats have now been stolen in the last fortnight.
And in the garden of the Kidson family, York, Harvey waits.
In a scene the Express says “could have some straight out of Colditz” Harvey the bull terrier bounds onto the trampoline and in a bounces clear of the garden fence.
Anorak looked away from teh film when the incarcerated squaddies bounced clear of the Nazis’ barbed wire, but hears Kommandant Laura, mother to Chloe and (you name your dog after a person and your child…) Cole, say: “He’s something of an escape artist and has got out before.”
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Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment
3am Girls Give Til It Hurts For A London Child
TO a charity do in aid of Help A London Child. And the Mirorr’s 3am Girls are listening at the toilet door.
Within, they claim, is one Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who has previously told the great and good: “Think of the London Child. You’ve had your dinner, now help them too.”
The Mirror gets inside take on celebrities, literally, and hears it said that T P-T did throw up, not once, not twice, not three time, but four times.
That’s giving. That’s giving til it hurts.
The offerings are now on their way to an orphanage in south London, where they will be blended into a rich paste and served as millionaire shortbread…
Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Big Brother 9: House Hate Alexandra de Gale
ALEXANDRA de Gale is the “most hated housemate EVER”.
The Star’s front page brings news that the Big Brother harpie is more hated than murderous London landlord John Christie; more hated than House of Commons housemate Gordon Brown; more hated than Coronation Street’s Blanche; more hated than…
A free £10 Big Brother FREE BET for all Anorak readers…
Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)
Political Quote Of The Day: Gordon Brown On Liberty
DAVID Davis makes a stand, and Gordon Brown tells us that he’s the real champion of liberty:
… we have given people new rights to protest outside Parliament …
– Gordon Brown on “Liberty and Security”
Says Guy Herbert:
“… omitting to mention that until 2005 there was a general liberty to protest outside Parliament, and giving just a little bit of it back, having fortified the area in the meantime, is not all that impressive. Read the whole thing, if you haven’t been paying attention while a free country changed into something else.”
Over in the Mirror, Gordon Brown’s media mouthpiece Kevin Maguire is using Davis to show how “out of touch with most people” David Cameron is. Of couse, Brown can now see the people by looking out of his window…
Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website
Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Big Brother 9: Mikey Hughes’ Blindsight For Bum Chums
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
ANORAK does not wish to offend, but might it be that Big Brother housemate Michael ‘Mikey’ Hughes, is just pretending to be blind? The Star says that the “saucy Scot gropes the girls”.
The housemate is “getting the most action in the house because he keeps grabbing the girls’ bums.”
Readers wonder if Mikey is mistaking posteriors various for household objects? Does Kat’s bumpy backside resemble his copy of Hale & Pace Do Wales? Is Lisa’s bum the same size and texture as Mickey’s front door? Is Alexandra’s tush easily confused with a Bolognese sandwich?
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Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
