Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Amy Winehouse Early Warning System
A MURDER and now a fire – Amy Winehouse’s name just keeps on popping up.
The Camden New Journal says that The Hawley Arms pub “left devastated in the blaze that swept through part of Camden market” is to reopen.
The pub is “known for its celebrity clientele, who include singer Amy Winehouse”.
And then there are the rumours of murder and mutilation, inhaling mice, drugs and violence.
Amy Winehouse and the threat of Amy Winehouse cannot be understated.
Place this sign in your airplane, car and mini cab, lest people become exposed to this clear and present danger…
Posted: 30th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Naomi Campbell’s Arrest Distracts Sun From News
“CREDIT crunch biting. Fuel prices soaring. And no footie. This will cheer you up..” promises the Sun’s front-page headline.
What can it be? News that Big Brother is returned to our TV screens and reporters can take the summer off as the paper writes itself?
“NAOMI FACES JAIL.”
Oh? “Naomi Campbell BEAMED yesterday after being charged with air-rage offences which could get her six months in prison,” says the paper.
Or as her lawyer Simon Nicholls puts it: “Miss Campbell is bitterly disappointed.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 30th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)
BA Fuel Costs Mean There’s No Getting Away From It All
“FUEL ADDS EXTRA £872 TO HOLIDAY FLIGHTS,” announces the Express on its front page.
Know that: “Families hoping to flee the nightmare of spiralling household bills by escaping on holiday were dealt a new blow yesterday.”
What better way to escape household bills than by paying hotel bills? (Answers on a burning £50 note to the usual address)…
Posted: 30th, May 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)
An Interview With Home Secretary Jacqui Smith
“THESE are terrifying times to be a parent,” says Julie McCaffrey, the Mirror’s woman with her ear pressed to the street and pulling a knife from a stabbed kebab.
“There are worries about whether your child is binge-drinking or having under-age sex – and then there is even greater fear that they might end op the innocent victim of a violent knife crime.”
Given the choices on offer, most parents would opt for A) binge drinking over B) under-age sex over C) being stabbed, although if their children were the stabber rather then the stabee, the list may be C, A, B.
And C might not be around for long because stay-at-home Jacqui Smith is making it her “personal mission” to put an end to knife crime. Jacqui Smith is the new-Labour rag-and-bone man walking the streets asking parents to bring out their knives for blunting.
Before that Jacqui will get tough on knifers by unveiling a £1million advertising campaign to tell knifers that it is wrong and remind knifees that it bloody well hurts.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)
The Petrol Price Crusade
“NOW JOIN OVER OUR FUEL TAX CRUSADE,” announces the Express’ front page.
But the Daily Express’ famous Crusader masthead has not mutated into a lorry driver.
Perhaps it realises that cheaper petrol will mean more foreigners coming over in their high-powered Winnebegos..?
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Real Women Enoy Sex And The City
THE Sex And The City Film is here and many reviewers are already labelling it the must-see shopping film of the mid-season sales.
But who needs professional reviewers you need to pay when we all have 60-inch plasma screens with surround sound and cheesy nachos in our starter homes, and you can ask “REAL” women to say what they think?
The Mirror loves “REAL” people, and introduces readers to Clara, Melissa, Natasha and Grazyna. Or to give them their real names, Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha and Carrie, which also happen to be the names of the characters in the televised shopping and shagging expedition.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Joined At The Lip: Brian Reade, Diane Abbott And Joey Barton
DESPERATE link of the week comes via Brian Reade, the Mirror’s columnist at large, who manages to implicate Diane Abbott MP in the matter of footballer Joey Barton’s incarceration for six months for a “violent and cowardly” attack on a man outside a McDonald’s restaurant.
Was Abbot in the Liverpool eatery at the time of the attack? Not exactly.
Abbott’s crime is to have said: “In any other profession, an out-of-control thug like Barton would have lost his job. Newcastle United should be ashamed of themselves for even considering taking him back.”
Reade says that Abbott opposed private education until her son to £12,000-a-year City of London school. This, he posits, makes her a hypocrite, much like Newcastle United?
Reade is pictured with a cartoon bell beside his head. Ding-dong!
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Britain’s Got The Cheeky Monkeys
WHO needs war and street crime when you have Britain’s Got Talent?
Not the Mirror’s editorial staff, who watch the ITV talent show so their readers don’t have to.
And today’s front-page telly news is that the Mirror has met up with the Cheeky Monkeys, a preteen dance double act, consisting of embryonic Sue Pollard clone Krista Hayatt, aged 9, and Charlie Dixon, a nine-year-old boy with a taste for Touche Eclat.
The age is all. If the Cheeky Monkeys were any older, they’d be sectioned. But they are very young, and so a hit with sweaty palmed men in caravan parks, mums and dads and the Mirror.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 29th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Jeremy Clarkson Is 186Mph And Out
JEREMY Clarkson replies to Rosie Boycott’s question as to what is the fastest he has ever driven: “On the public roads…186.”
What car did you do it in, Jezza? Was it an unmarked police car, a Rover 75 or a tuned up milk float?
The Mail has stopped listening, at least it has stopped listening to Clarkson. Says the Mail: BBC urged to sack Jeremy Clarkson after he admits driving at 186mph on public road.
It turns out that the people suing the BBC to remove Clarkson’s wheels are someone from Brake, a group that doesn’t sound as if it champions speed, and Brigitte Chaudhry of Roadpeace (vroom!)
No other names of the outraged are given, but rest assured they are many…
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (19)
Coleen McLoughlin Flees To New York
PANIC! Coleen McLoughlin has had to make an emergency dash to New York just two weeks before her wedding to Wayne Rooney.
So says the Mail. But why? Because, dear readers, her £100,000 Marchesa dress no longer fits.
A source says Coleen had to “sneak out” of the country and into New York, possibly under the cloak of darkness and disguised as an Islamic fundamentalist to avoid arousing suspicion. She may have worn an oversized baseball cap to fit in, with a W and C entwined on the front, or some other logo that she’s working on.
But some how the press got wind of it, and the entire mad-cap drama threatens to steal the thunder from her £3 million OK!-sponsored wedding.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, OK!, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Amy Winehouse Hoovers Up Alex Haines
AMY Winehouse mum Janis is said by the Mirror to be delighted her daughter has been stepping out with one Alex Haines.
Mum should take care not to order the wedding invites just yet, because Amy is already married, and bigamy may see the Sun achieve its goal of getting the chanteuse jailed. Oh, and the Mail says Amy is dating Alex Haynes.
Over such seemingly small things the tabloid press deliberates. And now the Mirror says this Alex whatshisname has been, allegedly, caught smoking crack.
Know that: “Amy’s camp were said to be stunned when they got wind that he had been caught on camera taking drugs.”
No small shock to discover that your associate has been keeping a stash back for himself and not sharing it around. Anorak’s T-EEM Street urban dance troop tells us that Alex should now be called Alex Bogart and “taxed”.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
My DNA Test, Cancer, Drug Crazed, Granny Lap Dancer Cancer Hell: Trisha Goddard Speaks Out
“TRISHA,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “This is my two fingers to cancer.”
Says the Scotsman on its frontpage: “Lorry protest in London, children scavenging in Asia, riots in Indonesia – the world wakes up to the oil crisis.”
Well, not the whole world, because the Mirror readers are waking up to TV bear baiting host Trisha Goddard’s new blonde afro.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
World Faces Prince Michael Jackson
“JACKO’S KIDS FACE WORLD,”* says the Star’s front-page headline, which, given that these children are the products of Michael Jackson might be altered to read: “WORLD FACES MICHAEL JACKSON’S CHILDREN.”
And they really are a chip off the old block – literally.
Prince Michael I has Jackson’s nose, Paris has Jackson’s nose, Prince Michael II has his father’s nose etc…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Fabio Capello Speaks English
FAB Crapello, sorry, Fabio Capello (pardona nortra Eyyetalliano)) is speaking English in public for the first time, says the Express.
Capello is at Arsenal’s training ground, where he is taking his “oral exams”. Tonight Crapello’s Inglanda are taking on the might of the deliciosa-icy-creama USA.
The thought of watching the effete and palsied England take on a team for whom football is what you play when you’re too short for basketball, too slim for baseball and too scared for ice hockey pales in comparison to hearing Capello spika da Inglish.
Says he: “Sure, they won’t be fresh like the USA players, but we need to play with intensity and it’s possible to do that for one hour or 70 minutes.”
There is a chance that Capello has learned that sentence off by heart and in his mind might be ordering a drink at the local rubba-dubba or telling a taxi cabba to take him to see the Queen at Buckingham Palace.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Madeleine McCann: No Portugal Return, Maddy TV And Paris Hilton
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
It’s the Mirror’s “MADELEINE EXCLUSIVE”. The news is – as Anorak reported last night – that the Tapas Seven (surely the Sangria 7? –Ed) will not be returning to Portugal to take part in a reconstruction of the night Madeleine went missing.
A source says: “They were asked informally to return, then asked again in an official letter last week. After some consideration they decided not to go back. They were concerned it would not be televised, and were bemused as to why it was happening so long after Madeleine disappeared.”
And who would play Madeleine? Her? Her? What about “Look Into My Eyes”, a TV talent show search for a Madeleine fronted by Trevor McDonald and GMTV?
Remember Kelsey: “Mummy, I could play Madeleine. I look just like her’”?
THE SUN: “No re-run for Maddie cops”
What does Lorraine Kelly think? It was she who said:
How could someone put their infant child forward as a Madeleine lookalike with the idea of making money? The child obviously has to be around the same age as Madeleine.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 28th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (500)
Beware Greeks, Portuguese And Spaniards
HAVING done for Portugal and Spain, the Sun tried to further bolster the British tourist industry – by monstering the alternatives – by reporting from Greece.
Lucy Murch and Ricky Burgess, both 18, were held in a Greek jail for five days when the locals mistook their vitamins for ecstasy tablets.
Says Lucy: “I’m never going to Crete ever again.” Ricky adds: “It’s left a bad impression of Crete and I would urge people to be very careful what they leave lying around.”
Best stay at home and take advantage of one of the Sun’s customary UK summer holiday campy giveaways…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Daily Mail: Introducing The Tiger Mosquito
MAIL readers recoil in fear at news of this year’s invader, the Asian tiger mosquito.
If you see this striped insect inching towards your skin, “be very concerned”, advises the Mail.
It’s already reached Northern Italy, where it’s dishing out chikungunya fever to its “scores of victims”.
It’s visited France, Germany and the Netherlands. We could be next. And “experts fear it could start a locally-spread epidemic”.
Britishers abroad are advised not to pet these new creatures, nor take them home in their washbags and undergarments.
They should be stamped on – literally…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
The Eurovision Song CONtest
ARENTCHAJUSTSICK of Eurovison.
Too right the Mirror calls it a EuroCON. It’s “blurred vision”, says the paper’s TV watcher.
“Let’s get out of Eurovision,” says the Mirror, and its readers agree as the paper broadcasts their letters.
“Why-oh-why-oh-why-oh-why?!” (as the Mirror readers and Malta’s entry chime) do we continue with this face, which is a damning indictment of…
Continue for another year…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (11)
I Married The Berlin Wall
IN I Was A Berlin Wall Bride, Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, tells us how she married the Berlin Wall.
Berliner-Mayer, German for Berlin Wall, tells the Sun: “I find long slim, things with horizontal lines very sexy.”
Casting a leer over your garden fence and the protracted third runway at Heathrow Airport, she continues: “The Great Wall of China’s attractive, but he’s too thick…
“It’s not just pleasuring myself. I want to please my partner when we make love.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Big Brother: Elstree And Bust
BIG Brother is nearly upon us and the star herald the TV happening with the “sexiest ever house!”
Some disappointment for Star readers to find that the house is not fashioned into the shape of a pair of open legs with a chimney shaped like a gigantic penis, or the extension moulded to resemble Danielle Lloyd, the Big Brother bully who poses topless “for the first time”.
Inside the paper, there’s Danielle cradling her latest bust lest it work itself loose, and saying how her own flat has recently featured in the TV show MTV Cribs. Viewers will find her bedroom, shaped like a footballer’s jockstrap, unforgettable.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Richard Desmond Restores Pride To Gordon Brown’s Britain
“GORDON BROWN HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF RELYING ON AN INFLUX OF MIGRANT WORKERS TO FILL BRITISH JOBS,” says the Express.
The Express sees “latest figures” that show how nine in ten jobs created under Labour have been taken by foreign workers.
Gordon Brown (Scot), Alistair Darling (Scot), Jacqui Smith (Tennessee – Fried Chicken)), Hazel Blear (La-La Land) and so on.
Blessedly, Express owner Richard Desmond is doing it big to keep Britain standing proud by employing exclusively British staff for his Television X – “The home of British Porn packed with all the biggest UK porn stars in the best shows on TV, online and on your mobile”.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Giraffe Bomber: Nicky Reilly’s Minor Mishap
NEWS in the Mirror of Nicky Reilly, the alleged restaurant bomber whose campaign to rid Exeter and, one imagines, Greater Devon of London-based eateries sees him quizzed by the police.
Reilly, we learn has the mental age of ten, so qualifying him in theory for the Giraffe restaurant happy meal and balloon combo.
His mental capacity may also qualify him to be treated as a minor by the police…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Fritzl Watch: Fritzl Kids Flee Austria For UK
“CELLAR KIDS MOVE TO UK,” says the Star, which leads with news that Josef Fritzl’s family are to relocate to Blighty.
“Sex slave mum wand family get secret new lives,” says the Star. And why the UK? Well, “because people here have been most sympathetic to their plight”.
And the UK is ideal because: “It is also unlikely they will choose a hot country because of their sensitive skin and eyes.” The Fritzl story is now a British story, and so worthy of the tabloids’ front page.
The Star says that in Nazi-stained Austria the family has been “hounded by the media”, something that would never happen here.
“EXCLUSIVE,” says the Sun, “BRITISH FRITZL’S VILE CRIMES.”
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Shooting Gallery: Winning Real Guns At The Fairground
“HARZARD,” declares the Mirror, which has done away with old-style headlines in favour of message board speak.
The headlines should read “Hazards”, because we can’t work out if the hazard is the children wielding the pistols that can fire call bearings up to 60 metres, the pistols themselves or the fairground traders in Market Weighton, East Yorks, giving the guns out as prizes.
Says David Rose, whose eight-year-old son William won a gun for putting a wooden noose about a duck: “I couldn’t believe it. I immediately confiscated it.”
No small shock to discover that anyone wins a prize at a fairground, let alone a half-decent one like a working gun.
Read the rest of this entry »
Those Amy Winehouse Stories In Triplicate
“THEY tried to make me go to kebab,” says the Mirror by a picture of Amy Winehouse.
News is that Amy Winehouse has bought kebab, not as a pet but as food…to very possibly eat.
Other Mirror scoops in the pipeline include:
They tried to make me go to science lab – Winehouse uses a Bunsen burner to cook up come drugs, allegedly
They tried to make me go to McNab – Andy McNab says how the SAS would not stand for Amy’s behaviour
They tried to make be take a rock crab – Amy goes to STD clinic
Repeat to fade…
Posted: 27th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
