Liverpool Daily Post Celebrates Big Night Of Football

WORDSDEPARTMENT spots something in the The Liverpool Daily Post:

EVERTON youngsters are celebrating a fine tournament success after winning the under-13s girls Premier League Schools Tournament…

“In fairness, they did mention the Champion’s League final in passing. It was part of a story about a £1.5m cash bonus for Everton thanks to the fine print in Wayne Rooney’s transfer deal to Man United in 2004.”

Calm down…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Gordon Ramsay’s Basin Camp

SAYS TV chef Gordon Ramsay: “Everest has always been my dream. I am very keen to do it. As you get older the chances to stretch yourself physically become fewer.”

Ramsay is wrong – as you get older you get more and more chances to stretch yourself physically, and many is the octogenarian who has planted a flag in his commode, proud at having reached “Bas(in) Camp”.

But before panicky Ramsay can be the fist person to tell a Sherpa to “fuck off”, and hear his inspirational catchphrase echo across the Himalayan valleys, he will tackle the Iron Man triathlon in Hawaii on his 42nd birthday in November.

Ramsay’s training regime includes two-hour runs “wearing a backpack full of spuds, surfing and Raisin Bran”.

But – shock of shock – Ramsay has an ulcer that he blames on eating the local food while filming Kitchen Nightmares in the US.

Says he: “I’ve just been told I’ve got an ulcer from eating crap. I swear to God, I’m so p****d off.”

Or as they say in the foothills of Nepal – pissed-ed-ed-ed off-off-off-off…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

A Velvet Curtain Has Fallen Across Eurovision

THE Eurovision votes are in and we can confirm that the toe-tapping hit (insert name here) by (ditto) came bottom.

Says Terry Wogan in the Sun: “You have to say that this is no longer a music contest. Western European participants have to decide whether they want to take part from here on in, because their prospects are poor.”

Wogan rightly poo-poos the notion that Russians can sing better, than, the syncopated Irish (“Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan’s wig
Mad acts and sad acts, it was Johnny Logan’s gig”) or the Maltese (“Vodka that’s the secret word/ VODKA and they want it so bad / VODKA I’ve deciphered the code / Got a rush in the head VODKA / A transparent word.”)

Compare them to Russia’s winning entry, as sung by Dima Bilan, who seems to have taken the “BELIEVE” message held aloft by Manchester United fans in Moscow for the Champions League final and run with it:

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Alex Ferguson Loves Coleen

“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.

He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.

A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

The Purple Emporor: Fergie Loves Coleen McLoughlin

“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.

He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.

A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?

Over in the Sun, Coleen and Wayne are making preparations for their marriage.
Fifty guests at an Italian clifftop abbey — “visible only from the sea”, and in OK! — will each be given a hand-made box tied with a ribbon and containing a live butterfly.

On the command “f*** off you Portuguese w*anker” guests will then open their containers and watch the creatures flutter away.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Daily Express Immigration Fuel Protest

“GREAT PETROL REVOLT BEGINS,” says the Express on its front page.

“WIN A CAMPER VAN + 4 BIKES,” trills the paper’s other front-page teaser.

Can these two headlines be related?

And what then of the paper’s other notice, that it costs 40p, which is still 10p cheaper then the Daily Mail?

Anorak has set fire to copy of each newspaper and can say that while the Express burns for longer it does so with a deep yellow flame with barely enough potency to toast an immigrant’s innersoles.

We even stuffed a few pages (the TV guide) into the petrol tank of an immigrants’ car and sped off on our bicycles, so combining the Express’ three stories into one call to action.

Imagine our surprise and dismay when the police arrived, not on bikes but in gas-guzzling cars.

That it should come to this…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Making A Monkey From A Hypodermic Needle Tree

SAYS the Mail: “150-year-old monkey puzzle tree facing chop because council says its needles are ‘like syringes’”.

A close look at tree reveals a line of pasty-faced monkey enthusiasts forming an orderly cue by the third branch to the rear. One has scaled the tree and unfurled a banner on which alikeness of Peter Doherty has been painted in Marmite.

Not for nothing does the Mail say that the monkey puzzle tree at West Cross, near Swansea, became a “much-loved local landmark”.

But it’s encouraging the wrong crowd and has to go. Says a council spokesman:

“Safety experts have said the tree is too much of a risk to children for it to remain. One expert likened the tree foliage to discarded syringe needles and warns they pose a probable risk of serious injury to children. The authority could find itself defending any litigation, should this arise.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Sun Human Mole Con

RAYMOND Shepherd is the Sun’s “human mole”.

No, not that kind of mole – Mr Shepherd has not been grafted onto a piece of skin, a mouse’s ear or busty Dannniii’s breast; and he’s never been a member of the security services.

Mr Shepherd “can’t stop digging holes in his garden”.

The Sun says the pensioner was hit by a court order forcing him to stop burrowing. His digging has warned him a 90-day prison sentence, suspended until 2017.

The Sun says the “saga” began in 1988 when Shepherd got permission for his kitchen changes. In 2002, it was discovered that his initial digging broke planning rules.

He was fined £3,000 for failing to restore the garden and spent 28 days in jail in 2004 for the same offence. He then dug another hole at his bungalow in Oxenholme, Cumbria.

It turns out that Mr Shepherd is about as much like a mole as her is a horse, bat or bluebottle. Readers expecting tabloid shockers have every reason to feel cheated.

Unless, of course, moles are moving above ground and working as builders and kitchen fitters. In which case, we apologise…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, May 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Exeter Bomber: Nicky Reilly And The Islamic Republic Of Cornwall

“BRAINWASHED at the chip shop,” screams the Sun’s front-page headline. Is this a chilling insight into the war on obesity?

Why not?

The tabloids are fond of linking themes, and if Madeleine McCann can somehow be placed at the scene and the chip wallah be persuaded to comment on how the rising cost of vegetable oil has forced him to cook in green diesel, then we have a story that says so much about today’s Britain.

In King’s Fry fish and chip bar, the Sun sees Exeter toilet bomber Nicky Reilly being brainwashed by Muslim men.

It was believed that Reilly, the Star’s “oddball loner”, was on the fringes of a group of radicals based in the West Country, a more heavily armed version of the Worzells, albeit exchanging combine harvesters for keys and ammunition.

We should take care not to mock those sons of the West Country. Last year the Cornish National Liberation Army (CNLA) threatened to burn down one of celebrity chef Rick Stein’s businesses in Padstow.

The group also said Fifteen – a restaurant set up by Essex product Jamie Oliver – was a legitimate target because Oliver was an “incomer” who was hurting local people by driving up house prices and living costs.

Readers will note that Reilly’s device exploded in Giraffe, an eatery founded in Hampstead, London. Exeter is in Devon, granted, but Devon and Cornwall constabulary work in tandem and the CNLA claims links with Welsh nationalists and other “Celtic nations”.

The Sun says that the relatively complex construction of the explosive devices suggests they were not put together by Reilly, “who has a very low IQ”. The Telegraph says they were constructed from sodium hydroxide, aluminium foil strips and an essential oil, combined with kerosene. It was confirmed that there were three devices in a bag packed with nails.

Reilly’s bombs were dangerous, although Reilly, who has lacerations to his face, was more of danger to himself.

But we wonder if his conversation to Islam is a smokescreen and that the brains behind the plot are rooted in Cornwall, the Islamic Republic known locally as The Iranian Riviera..?

Anorak

Posted: 24th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Those Dirty Nurses In The Royal Bath

THE Royal United Hospital in Bath came top of a ‘roll call of shame’ for large NHS hospitals,” says the Mail.

Tory peer Lord Mancroft is said to have commended (surely damned – Ed) the hospital’s “grubby, drunken and promiscuous’ nurses”.

Readers learn that Lord Mancroft was admitted to the hospital in Bath for the removal of an abscess, a collection of pus (dead neutrophils) that has accumulated in a cavity.
How the patient came to know of the nurse’s sex lives is not given, and readers may wonder if his opinion was formed by their treatment of said cavity.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Shannon Matthews: Fags, Lags And Craig Meehan

THE Sun says that a “tobacco bounty” has been placed on Craig Meehan’s head, “stepdad” No. 349831b to Shannon Matthews.

The reward for beating up Meehan is, reportedly, ten ounces of “prison baccy – worth about £8.”

Meehan is worth much more than Karen Matthews, whose head commands the princely sum of ten Lambert & Butler fags.

Says a source at Armley jail, Leeds: “Tobacco is a precious commodity inside. There are people who will do anything to get it, including attacking other inmates.”

The tabloids are fond of publishing insights into life behind bars, a polarised place where prisoners are either sipping cocktails in cushy cells or sat 32 to a cell, injecting pureed rats and listening to Tannoy broadcasts of “Conversations With Sir Cliff – Musing On Life, Jesus and Tennis”.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Colombian Vice President Says Amy Winehouse Is Killing The Planet And Us

HAVING failed in its attempt to have Amy Winehouse jailed, the Sun is going about the world armed with a petition that demands the singer is locked up.

Today Colombian Vice President Francisco Santos says Winehouse should be “sent to rehab”.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or)

Santos is something of an expert on UK celebrities having opined of Kate Moss: “To me, it’s baffling that someone who helps cause so much pain in Colombia is doing better then ever.”

Adding: “I never once heard her says ‘I’m sorry’, when in Colombia people die every day because of cocaine consumption – that hurts.”

Now Santos is talking of Winehouse. “I know about her, she’s a mess. I don’t think she understands the harm cocaine does to my country… Not only does it kill, displace and mutilate people in Colombia, it destroys our wonderful forests. The environmental damage is catastrophic.”

Senor Santos makes a powerful argument. Winehouse is an accessory to murder, a mutilator and above all else a planet hater driving her 4×4 back and forth over Mother Nature’s throat.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Nicky Reilly Is Exeter’s Light Bulb Jihadist

NICKY Reilly emerges from a bomb blast in a cafe toilet covered in blood — moaning that Muslims had been unfairly treated.

And other day, and another example of idiotic Islamists at work?

In “Maniac Muslim bombs Café”, the Sun 22-year-old Reilly journey to the Giraffe restaurant at Princesshay shopping centre in Exeter.

The Mail adds: “Giraffe is a national chain of restaurants which are popular with families as they give out balloons and crayons to children.”

This fact opens up a new arena of possibility, not least of all that mentally negligible Reilly did not qualify for a free yellow balloon nor the chance to colour in a picture of a Giraffe eating a pizza.

Over at the eatery, architect Peter Lacey, 63, and his wife Celia, 60, are speaking with the Mail.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Who Bares Sins: SAS Action With Tania Zaetta, Andy McNab And John Terry

TANIA Zaetta is, says the Sun, best known in Australia for hosting her daredevil action girl show Who Dares Wins.

In papers released by the Australian MoD, four members of that country’s special forces claim to have bedded Tania on her moral boosting trip to Afghanistan – “and had photos and video to prove it”.

Ms Zaetta denies all claims.

In such moments it is customary for the Sun to summon its shadowy Defence Expert Andy McNab and hear what visiting celebs and glamour models can and cannot do in the battle zone.

But McNab is otherwise employed, dispatched on a mission to answer the question:

“FOOTBALL hardman John Terry blubbed like a baby after his scuffed spot-kick helped lose Chelsea the Champions League trophy in a nail-biting shootout. But is it ever okay for sportsmen to cry?”

McNab, who last cried when he wanted to test if the canoe he’d fashion from a hollowed out Iraqi was seaworthy says:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Kathy Hilton Walks in Paris’s Shoes

KATHY Hilton, mother to straight-to-tissues internet film star Paris Hilton is in conversation with the Mail.

“People say: ‘Oh she’s spoilt, she’s this, she’s that.’ But, until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes for many miles, don’t make a judgment call.”

Happily Paris Hilton has a range of shoes on the market, and we who have walked in them found the pink stilettos to be almost impossible to do anything in other than wince and wave, and gave up on the leopard print heels after just a few yards.

Next year, Old Mr Anorak plans to run the London Marathon is Paris’s silver open-toe mules and for added empathy wear a prison-issue pair of grey knickers and bra.

Kathy looks up. “And Paris’s jail suit”, says she, now “close to tears, “I found it when she was released. When I felt how rough it was – that thing was like sandpaper – I threw it away.”

Old Mr Anorak has tears in his eyes. And we advise him to take advantage of Kathy Hilton’s new range of waterproof beauty products and sports gels…

Picture: Mandela & 14

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Paul Gascoigne’s £10,000 French Stick

RISING commodity prices and now the news that Paul Gascoigne has bought a loaf of bread for £10,000.

Gascoigne is said to be “starving”. He is also said to be “tragic”, “bleary-eyed”, “tortured”, “gaunt” and “stumbling”.

But above all else he is hungry (surely “a genius” – Ed). As the Star says: “The football legend tried to cash a cheque for £10,000 to buy food at an all-night shop.”

Geordies already working out the number of kebabs and polystyrene pots of curry sauce ten grand can get you by the Bigg Market should know that their sacred son was in the West End of London.

Says the Star: “Confused Gazza, who made the cheque out to himself, claimed his cash card had been stolen. The shopkeeper took pity on the ex-England ace and gave him a French bread stick.”

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Headline Of The Day: Monkey See, Monkey Sue

HEADLINE of the day, in the Daily Mail:

European Court agrees to hear chimp’s plea for human rights

Blind justice…

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15)

Peter’s Friends: At the Royal Wedding With Hello!

TO the pages of Hello!, where Mr Peter Phillips, son of stable lad Captain Mark, is marrying Miss Autumn Kelly.

Also in attendance are Miss Chelsy Davy, 22, pictured 16 times, and Miss Kate Middleton, 26, in 13 photos.

Says a source in the Sun: “There is no way that Princes William and Harry would have agreed to allow their girlfriends to be pictured in this way at what was supposed to be a private family event.”

Indeed, not. Over 29 pictures of the two gels, there is not a single shot is either of them wearing a bikini or sunbathing. Prince Harry is said to be “incensed”.

Says the Telegraph: “The wedding cake – decorated with sugar-crafted lily of the valley – was cut with the Army sword of Captain Mark Phillips, the groom’s father.”

The Mail, though, looks beyond the towering triumph of icing and the syrupy filler with the sword and says the wedding special run to 100-pages, trumping the Sun’s 58 pages, and making celebrity watchers wonder if adverts can be counted as part of the photospread?

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Hello!, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Jordan To Compete In 2012 Olympics

IT’S the 2012 Olympic Games and the rider enters the arena. No more than 23 seconds later the horse she is sat upon emerges.

“Katie Andre-Price-Jordan-Rooney-Windsor riding Dana,” comes the announcer’s brogue.

Dana is dressed for the occasion in a pink cowboy hat, Swarovski-encrusted bikini and white leather boots.

News in the Sun is that pop acorn Peter Andre has bought Kaite a horse, and that she plans to ride it in the Olympic dressage.

Says a pal: “Katie loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

New Tabloid: Celebrity Drugs And Alcohol

CELBRITY drugs and alcohol is brought to you by 14, the Sun, the Mail, the Mirror, the Star, the Express, the Sport, the Times, increasingly the Telegraph, the Guardian(although it won’t admit it), the Independent (recycled), OK!, Hello! and GMTV…   

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comments (2)

China’s Page Three Girl Test Causes No Aftershock

HOW does the media respond to disaster?

In the UK, a tabloid rating of any disaster can be correlated to the appearance of Page 3 women: the bigger the disaster, the bigger the hiatus between shots of Zoe and Amiii.

In China the earthquake caused the government to temporarily close down cinemas, karaoke bars and other leisure venues.

The difference, of course, is that in the UK, the media is to a large degree self-regulating. Page 3 is the barometer of grief because the tabloids want it that way. The girls could wear black bras and a garter about their arms, but the message that the organ cares may not come across.

Over in China, New Travel Weekly, a small lifestyle magazine, marked the earthquake by running photos of sultry models in their underwear amid the debris. The issue hit the stands on Monday – the first of three days of national mourning.

The press and publication department of the southwestern city of Chongqing, where the magazine was based, has decided to close the magazine down for “rectification”.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Arsenal Fans Wish Ashley Cole Best Of Luck

“MADMAN Claude Makelele handed Chelsea a huge Champions League scare when his two-footed lunge left Ashley Cole crocked last night,” notes the Sun.

England left-back Cole was treated for 15 minutes by medical staff during a training session in the Luzhniki Stadium…Cole, 27, tried to carry on training but quickly pulled up again.

Missing the final would be a cruel blow for Cole.

Arsenal fans keen to wish Ashley all the best can so hereunder…

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Carla Bruni Is Politic’s Amy Winehouse

THE MIRROR reports that French First Lady Carla Bruni has insisted a song about drugs called My Junk will stay on her new album.

Mirror readers weened on celebrity cocaine learn that Junk is slang for heroin.

“My guy, I roll him up and smoke him,” she sings. The Elysée Palce is reportedly uncomfortable with the line, it being a perceived slight on Sarkozy’s lack of size, his being no bigger than a herbal cigarette.

Elsewhere on the album, Bruni gives full throat to a tale about her love affair with French president Nicolas Sarkozy. Her version Bob Dylan’s You Belong To Me includes the line: “See the pyramids along the Nile… Just remember darling, all the while, you belong to me.”

While and Nile is decent rhyme. And there is hope that if Mrs Sarkozy continues in such a vein she could do for pop music what Amy Winehouse has done for politics.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Hayley Adamson Killed By Police Swift Response

A SPEEDING police car has killed 16-year-old Hayley Adamson as she crossed the road, on which the speed limit is 30mph.

A Chris Broatch tells the Mirror: “I estimate they were both doing 100mph. I don’t know why they were going so fast. They were going too fast to see her.”

A crowd gathered at the crash scene in Newcastle. Police were pelted with stones. Officers subdued Hayley’s boyfriend, one George Oliver, with a Taser stun gun and arrested him.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (21)

The Best TV Football Chant Ever

CHELSEA and Manchester United fans flocking into Red Square may be wondering what they should be singing.

The Surrey Blues may enthuse about vegetables and the Cockney Reds about doing the Lambeth Walk, but they should know that the top tune on the football terraces is Nessun Dorma.

The Performing Right Society survey of radio and telly found that Luciano (“You fat bastard”) Pavarotti’s performance of the aria is the most widely-played football song.
Arsenal’s 1998 FA Cup Final song Hot Stuff was No2 ahead of DJ Otzi’s 2002 World Cup remix Hey Baby.

Fans may well scratch their heads. Anorak’s own survey of televised football matches, songs heard on live broadcasts, reveals that the top football songs are:

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)