Immigrants Boom For Passport Industry

“IMMIGRATION SOARS TO NEW RECORD,” says the Express’ front-page screamer. “It’s no wonder two million Britons have moved abroad.”

The Express says that “migrants are being handed British passports at a rate of one every three minutes”.

A first or renewed adult passports costs at least £72 (it costs £97 to fast-track one, and £114 for a same-day service). The Home Office Identity & Passport Service is earning £1,440 an hour from passports; £34,560 a day; £241,920 a week.

The Government is doing very well from the trade in ID documents.

And then there are those Britons who have needed a passport to flee the country, and so secure not just a foreign plumber who costs 34p and hour but all their full contingent of foreign staff.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Moobs And Pun Bags Replace Page 3 Girls

THANKS to the Sun breasts are now so popular that even boys are getting them.

Yesterday, we brought news that doctors at Alder Hey Hospital in Liverpool have reported a growing number of lads wanting breast surgery to reshape their “moobs”.

But the Sun says the knife is not for everyone. For every Jordan, there is a Simon Cowell. And Sun doctor Keith Hopcroft “reckons top-heavy teen boys just need to exercise more”.

Says Dr Keith: “A breast epidemic is every adolescent boy’s dream. But not when it’s the boys who are affected – and especially if it’s starting to overwork our plastic surgeons. It’s not all bad news, though.”

It’s the bad mobs, or “mockers” or “mits”.

Says Dr Keith: “So let’s get a grip. Starting with the moobs themselves.”

That’s enough forom Dr Keith, who sees the mobs as nothing more than pun bags.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Cherie Blair Promises To Be A Good Girl

IF Cherie Blair needs to keep her writing hand in she could always design those phone box calling cards.

Says the Mail: “Cherie: ‘I can use contraception AND be a good Catholic girl.’”

If this promise can be accompanied by a shot of Cherie dressed as a nun, dangling a condom from her fingers and affecting a look of wide-eyed innocent curiosity, she may well counter those allegations that’s he has cashed in on her husband’s name and prostituted the position of self-styled First Lady…

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

To A Garden With Jude Law And Kimberly Stewart

HAVING kissed in an Essex nightclub, Jude Law and Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly retired to a stranger’s front garden.

The Sun says a clubber spotted them rolling around on the lawn snogging like “loved-up teenagers”.

The address of their rendezvous is nor provided, neither is word from a behind-the-nets resident.

All readers who want to be like Jude and Kimberly get is a picture of detached house and the caption: “Hardcore lawn … pair were spotted in garden like this.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Profiling Schoolchildren And Weeding Out The Baa Baa Black Sheep

CLASSROOM troublemakers as young as five will not be expelled from school but placed in “sin bins”.

The Mail notes: “They will be sent for a spell in a specialist unit where they will be given anger management classes alongside normal lessons to prepare them to return to their schools.”

This may be just the Mail’s take on the news because over in the Guardian the same White Paper is given the headline: “Sin bins for pupils to be scrapped.”

Ministers moved yesterday to scrap so-called sin bins for disruptive pupils and replace them with specialist centres run by private companies, charities and academies, in an admission that the policy has failed.

So sin bins are out. As the Independent says: “Disruptive pupils to be sent to specialist ‘sin bins’ run by private companies.”

So much for the non sin-bins sin bins. What of the policy?

The Mirror says that “ministers are so anxious to catch youngsters before they offend that those who have out-of-control brothers or sisters or a mum or dad in jail could be sent to one of the units – even if they have done nothing wrong”.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Hot Air And Greed Creates A Glut Of Hurricanes

“HURRICANE glut ‘not down to global warming’,” comes the Mail’s headline.

Can you have a glut of hurricanes? And are hurricanes ever wanted in the first place so that the supply of them can outstrip their demand? Are we that greedy? Discuss.

Dr Tom Knutson, works for the US government’s National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Says the Mail: “Ever since Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans in 2005, such storms have been seen as a ferocious manifestation for global warming.”

Dr Knutson says “changes in the level of hurricane activity is the result of a natural cycle linked to ocean temperatures”.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Britney Spears Sex Tape Confusion

WHILE the demure Sun features kissing on its front page, the Star has a free sex video, featuring Britney Spears.

In this tape, the singer, naked save for a “shocking pink wig”, is seen engaging in a “sizzling two-hour sex romp”.

Relieving news for those of us keen to see a podgy former star and mum-of-two having it off with a Brummie snapper called Adnan Ghalib. The Star says it is he who is, allegedly, planning to sell the tape.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Not Jude Law And Rod Stewart’s Kimberley

JUDE Law is kissing Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly.

The venue is 195 Nightclub in Epping, Essex. The Sun, which features the “clinch” on its front page, says the venue is “unlikely”.

Anorak supposes an Essex night club is precisely the place to spot people getting off with one another. But the Sun is shocked, and it is not alone.

Says one onlooker: “We were given wristbands for the VIP lounge expecting to bump into Jodie Marsh and maybe Michael Greco from EastEnders.”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Pregnant Man And Boy Boobs: Thomas Beatie In Liverpool

THE Mirror leads with a picture of Thomas Beatie, the “the world’s first pregnant man”.

Says he: “Wanting to have a child is neither a male nor female desire, but a human desire.”

Although Johan Hari and this lot may take exception.

“I always feel bloated,” he continues. “Unfortunately there’s is no such thing as man-ternity clothes.” 

While Beatie looks for a shell suit, over in the Times, the headline screams: “Obesity fuels growing ‘boy-boob’ problems.”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Beat The Credit Crunch With Express News Papers And Television X

EXPRESS Newspapers’ “BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH” feature takes in Kitty, 19, from Basildon.

Posing topless, and so saving on clothes and not adding to the European bra mountain, Kitty says that she gets all her furniture from www.drop-your-drawers.com.

That’s in the Star, which costs 5pence less than the Express, which boats that it costs 10p less than the Mail and remains “TEN TIMES BETTER”.

The Mail comes with a free Mills & Boon DVD, and though the Express cannot match that it does have Jasmine Birtles to off readers more tips on how to save money.

Jasmine is not topless, although she is pictured from the bust up so encouraging readers to believe she is otherwise naked and so cutting down on shoes, skirts and knickers.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment

Gordon Ramsay Promises And Catherine Burnett Waits

CELEBRITIES are fond of making promises.

The Guardian’s Arabella Weir has vowed to “go on hunger strike and throw myself in front of the next horse at Ascot” if Boris Johnson wins the London mayoral election.

On Tuesday June 17, Ascot stages the Queen Anne Stakes. If Weir has the energy, she can pencil it in. Set the video.

And here’s Gordon Ramsay saying:” If I ever have a son-in-law who is a vegetarian I’d rather run around Ibrox start bullock naked. He also “swears to God I’d never forgive them.”

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Jade’s Show: Jade Goody Returns To TV

NEWS of Jade Goody in the Sun. And the news is that Jade is being lined up for a return to frontline telly work,

“TELLY bosses” at Living TV are said to be looking at news ideas for Goody.

So far, the channel has featured Jade’s Salon (a search for Jade’s beauty salon) and Jade’s PA (a search for Jade’s assistant).

New ideas include:

Jade’s Bile (a camera is implanted inside Jade’s bile duct and Jade’s gut reaction is gauged as she is confronted by people of different creeds and colours)

Jade’s Buttons (Jade Goody opens her heart and her button box and tells an interesting story behind each button. In show one Jade returns to Faces nightclub in Essex and recalls losing a brown button in a fracas with Danielle Lloyd)

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Down In The Dumps: Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson Medal Stolen

TWO Portsmouth footballers have had their FA Cup winners’ medals stolen.

One is Jamie Ashdown, the other Glen Johnson, who is “devastated” and, as the Sun says, “gutted”.

Says Johnson: “It is something you want to treasure for your whole life and show your kids and grandkids.

This is Portsmouth full-back Glen Johnson, who in 2007 entered a B&Q in Dartford, Kent, and was caught trying to steal bathroom fittings.

Johnson was spotted by a security guard secreting a toilet seat into a box with a cheaper price tag. Aided by Millwall striker Ben May, he also hid a set of taps underneath a sink at the checkout to avoid paying for them.

The player, once heralded as a future player, and had been bought by Chelsea for £7million, was, reportedly, caught by a 74-year-old security guard. The events offered insight into his mental and physical condition.

Johnson was dined £80. And he explained:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Jolie Bad: Angelina Is Amy Winehouse’s Herion

HAVING failed to bring Amy Winehouse and Paul Burrell to justice, the Sun opens the tape on Angelina Jolie.

In “heroin to heroine”, Jolie “hangs out at a drugs den”. The sum of the Sun’s evidence is, as ever, a “grainy video”, this one shows Jolie “wide-eyed and babbling”.

What change there? But it turns out Jolie is not promoting her new movie, rather she is stood by someone who is “casually smoking heroin”. It is 1999. The video came to light on May 1.

How the Sun knows this unnamed woman is smoking heroin is not said. But the drug might have got to Jolie, who is said to be suffering from “heavy” eyelids and “dishevelled hair”.

Do you see? Are you watching, Amy Winehouse. The Sun’s Gordon Smart says it is a lesson for you.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Ben McBean’s Army: Gordon Brown, Celebs And Crisps At The Sun Global Recognition Award

EVERYONE wants Ben McBean in their private army.

McBean is one of the Daily Mail’s Harry’s Heroes, on account of his having been injured in Afghanistan (he lost two limbs) and labelled a hero by Prince Harry Baseball cap.

Ben McBean is part of the Mirror’s “Honour the Brave” slogan, which seeks to equip each retuning injured serviceman with a medal.

He’s a leading player in the Sun’s “Help for Heroes” campaign, the one backed by actor Ross Kemp, he of ITV’s Ultimate Force show, and so well placed to explain what being a soldier is all about. Kemp spoke at the City Salute, addressing the injured, McBean included.

And here is Mr McBean in the Sun, receiving tribute on behalf of the Armed Forces and a Sun Global Recognition Award, sponsored by Walkers crisps.

Gordon Brown is there, shaking hands, being wowed and talking about a return to the values of cheese and onion.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Gemma Garrett On Politics’ Motley Crewe

MORE panting news from the Crewe and Nantwich by-election where Gemma Garrett is bidding to become an MP.

“I’m campaigning on lots of different issues but the main one is about pay for British troops,” says Miss Great Britain, dressed in stockings, suspenders and business like open-necked shirt.

Gemma represents, and is representative of, the Beauties for Britain party, which aims to “wipe out politics’ sleazy image” by replacing it with good old fashioned soft porn.

“I want people to know I am campaigning on proper politics and real issues,” says she, even if her twin manifestoes appear booster by borrowed policy directives…

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment

Bono, Beckham And Me: God Waits On Mount Kilimanjaro

BONO and David Beckham are climbing up Mount Kilimanjaro.

Moses only took himself up the mountain and there is reason to believe that finally Bono, Mr G9, might have overplayed his hand.

Says a source: “He [Beckham] was a bit uncertain at first but he found out, like many celebrities before him, that Bono can be very persuasive.”

Once the insurance details are ironed out, Beckham can be wrapped in cotton wool and winched to the summit.

But the Anorak is more concerned at what they will bring down from on high.

In his wraparound sunglasses Bono is ideally suited for a meeting with the light of God, and should take along a pen and paper and jot down his 10-point plan for a better world.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Jamie Oliver Gets Knives Into Schools

“KIDS TOOLED UP IN SCHOOL,” says the Star.

The “terrifying” fact that children are taking weapons into school illustrated by a “youngster with a knife”.

The knife is about nine inches long and looks like something you’d find in a kitchen. The Star has seen the police figures and says a third of all such weapons are knives.

The figures go back to 2005. Indeed, dear reader, that is the time of Jamie’s School Dinners, the TV show featuring Jamie Oliver took running the kitchen meals in Kidbrooke School, Greenwich, for a year.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Prince Edward’s No Hello For Peter Philip’s I Do

WHERE’S Eddie? We study the picture of the Royal Family massed for Peter Philip’s marriage to Autumn Kelly.

But there’s no sign of Prince Edward, The Weed In Tweed.

The Express tries to deflect our probing by saying that Sophie Wessex, Eddie’s wife is also not in evidence, neither is the couple’s child, Louise.

The Express, published by the owners of OK! magazine, says Eddie might be missing because a “downmarket magazine” (named in the Mail as Hello!), has secured pictures of the event for £500,000.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Saudi Woman Divorces Husband For Looking St Her Face

TO the pages of Saudi Arabia’s Al-Riyadh organ, and news of the man who wants to see the face of his wife of 30 years standing.

He waits. And when she’s asleep he lifts her veil. What terrors lurk beneath, we cannot say. Some say she has an eye in the centre of her tongue and when the moon is high looks like a young Anthea Turner with her face trapped between a pair of lift doors.

The wife awakens. She is outraged. “After all these years, he tries to commit such a big mistake,” she tells the paper. She is now suing the peeping Tom for divorce.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Paris Hilton Looks For Princess Diana’s Wedding Venue

PARIS Hilton might pass for American Royalty, but can she be the new Princess Diana?

What irony that the new Diana should be named after the scene of Di’s departure from public life. There is some hope, then, that Paris can be Diana.

Paris is tall. Paris is blonde. Paris has a lob-sided look that garners sympathy. Paris has been to hell and back.

Says Queen Helen Mirren: “I don’t applaud Paris Hilton… but I think she’s pretty cool. She’s developed, like Princess Diana, that deliberate foolishness, which is disarming.”

The Star investigates if the brand can be developed, looking on as Paris scours London for a venue for her wedding to pop star Benji Madden.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Guido Fawkes: When Bloggers Go Native

GUIDO Fawkes is ablogger. THE Indy:

As reported here two weeks ago, police arrested the thirsty Guido – real name Paul Staines, 41 – after catching him with bloodshot eyes and beery breath, drink-driving without insurance in his wife’s VW Golf. Yesterday, he narrowly escaped being jailed when he appeared at Tower Bridge Magistrates Court. District Judge Timothy Stone told him he was “fortunate not to be going to prison” and added: “You cannot help yourself, can you? You drink four bottles of wine a week, for a start. Do you realise what a danger you are to the public?”

Staines replied: “I do realise.”

Four bottles a week..

Anorak

Posted: 18th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Boris Johnson’s Sunday Service

BORIS Johnson is writing in the News of the World:

“I WAS as sickened and horrified as everyone else in Britain by the murder of altar boy Jimmy Mizen at a baker’s shop in London last weekend.

Amen.

I won’t pretend there is some messiah-like solution. But I do believe investment in the right areas will reap huge rewards.

I’ll do my part and tackle this menace in London. I pray the government follow my lead and do the same for Britain.

Here endeth the lesson…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews Writes And Little Miss Trouble

DAILY MIRROR: “Exclusive: Shannon Matthews’ mum sends desperate letter to parents begging ‘Help me’”

It’s Karen Matthews. It’s her “desperate letter”, “her “emotional letter” from jail to her mum June and dad Gordon.

It’s front-page news, along with the paper’s offer for a free copy of Little Miss Trouble, a book.

“Dear Mum and Dad, I am writing this letter to let you know I am OK, I hope you and dad are fine. I miss you both so much. I just wish I would have listened to you about him, but I didn’t. I am really sorry. You both warned me.”

She can spell, can Karen Matthews. But who is him? Who he?

“I did not hurt any of the kids. You know I was a good mother to my kids until I got with him.”

Him?

Him is Craig Meehan, Little Mr Trouble.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 18th, May 2008 | In: Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Amy Winehouse And Blake’s Paper Anniversary: Janis And Georgette Speak

SAYS Janis Winehouse, mother to chanteuse Amy Winehouse: “Obviously, it’s difficult to be sympathetic. Amy knows there’s no love lost between Blake and me, and, let’s be honest, no mother really wants to refer to her son-in-law as ‘my son-in-law in jail’ do they?”

Tomorrow is Amy and the feckless Blaaaaake’s first wedding anniversary. And as befitting the paper anniversary, Janis is talking to the the Daily Mail.

So too is Blake’s mother Georgette. But Janis is talking first: “Fundamentally, my partner Tony and I are trying to play this very low-key as far as Blake’s concerned.”

Hard to get more low-key than airing your views in the national press. Next time Janis should consider not commenting in the Express and hope that no-one notices.

Janis goes on: “She knows how I feel, but I don’t want to turn her against me so we simply do not talk about Blake.” Indeed, best not to.

“As far as I’m concerned, Blake more than played his part in Amy’s downfall. People I trust have told me that Amy didn’t start on the hard drugs until she met Blake – and I think that says it all… That all changed when she met Blake. She didn’t start self-harming until Blake came along, either.”

But she’s not going to talk about Blake. This is a happy time, so let’s talk of Amy’s marriage to ‘it’: “It’s a delicate dance, and it’s got to play itself out. In the meantime, I can only thank God that her body weight at the moment means she’s unlikely to get pregnant.”

Having heard from the bride’s family, we now hear from the groom’s.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)