Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Celebrity Big-ot Brother Stomps Back
CELEBRITY Big Brother is set for a “sensational comeback”.
So says the Sun.
Happy days for all of us who enjoy watching frontline bigotry on the telly.
And Anorak can exclusively reveal that the new house will be a real house, in which the inhabitants will be invited to pay the bills, make repairs and arrange a mortgage.
And with responsibility comes the right to vote.
Sadly, it’s too late for the recent local elections of course, and the Big Brother bigots have missed out on a block vote for the BNP.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Daily Mail Heels Jeanette Rooney
LAST seen lumbering from the sea in images not seen since Saving Private Ryan, Jeanette Rooney, mother to Wayne Rooney (footballer), is in the Mail once again.
The new Jeanette is seven stone lighter then the old Jeanette, slimed down in time for her son’s wedding to Coleen McLoughlin.
To the untrained eye Jeanette look just fine, but how does he feel?
The Mail invites a Dr Alex Karadis, a plastic surgeon billed as “leading”, to appraise Jeanette.
The skin around her arms is “ragged and loose”. She could do “more to improve her FACE”. The skin is “really saggy and lined”.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)
The Daily Express: The Holistic Newspaper
AS ever the Daily Express presents a holistic approach to the day’s news, the actual stories and facts being less then the whole effect.
The masthead delivers the fact that the Express costs 40p, which may be showing off. Express readers may care to furl their newspaper in such a manner that the label shows uppermost, so giving readers of cheaper newspapers a glimpse of luxury.
But still the Express must concede that the Mail is 10p cheaper, making it reassuringly expensive. However, the Mail remains “ten times” worse than the Express, thus making it look all the more desirable to fashionable newspaper readers.
Good on the Express not to let petty rivalries stand in the way of true reporting.
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Pete Doherty Tries To Murder Cats
“YOU know it’s time to knock the narcotics on the head when you try to execute innocent domestic pets with garden implements,” says the Sun of Pete Doherty.
Says the pop f***wit: “I got a shovel and was going to kill one of the cats. That was when I was, like, you know, ‘I’m a bit of a mess’. It was a bit of a crazy time.”
Doherty we know about. Some may ever say he remains a bit of a mess, being messy what he does best. But what of cats?
Just yesterday Lindsay Lohan was reported to have sent Russell Brand a cat, possibly in the post.
Last week, a man was taken away in handcuffs after allegedly murdering a cat which had teased him.
Anorak can only conclude that the world has been driven mad by fidgety Andrew Lloyd Webber, and cats are paying the price of his work.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Buzz On The Mr Big Sex And The City Vibrator
WHAT’S that buzz? It’s the new the new Sex And The City film.
What’s the whining noise? It’s the NEW Sex And The City film.
What’s that humming noise? It’s THE NEW Sex And THE City Film.
What’s that…? You’re right. Hark!
Underscoring the sound of Sarah Jessica Parker and the series of drones and clicks from her team of ambulatory contraceptive devices is a humming sound.
It’s the show’s Mr Big, who to market the arrival of the film of the TV series of the newspaper column of the shoe of the innersole has been turned into a vibrator.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Amy Winehouse To Walk In Straight Line At London Fashion Week
AMY Winehouse is being approached to model at London fashion week.
With much emphasis being placed on models starving themselves to be thin, has the fashion industry hit upon a wheeze: place the models alongside Winehouse and make them look the picture of health.
Julian MacDonald explains in Metro: “She’s an amazing talent. We are always busy working on fashion week. She’s an incredible person, who is just very unique and has a great style. She is just so different.”
Different to what? To the usual androids who are programmed to walk along a runway, stop, turn and walk back again? Given the advances being made in inflatable dolls, their days are surely numbered. Winehouse is certainly shorter.
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Russell Brand Knocks Back Lindsay Lohan’s Pussy
DID you know that Russell Brand turned down Lindsay Lohan?
The Star does. And in “RUSS SAYS NO TO LO!” it says Lohan “bombarded” Brand with “amorous emails”.
Having been knocked back further than Brand’s fringe, Lohan sent him a cat.
This may because Lohan thinks Brand is the cat’s pajamas, or read somewhere that British people prefer cats to stoats, although not ferrets, which remain stubbornly in vogue in parts of Lincolnshire.
Lohan could have bought Brand a dog, such as young people do when they start living together. But that might have been a bit forward. So she opted for a cat.
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Madonna Wants Us To Jump And F*** For Planet Earth
WHEN Madonna stood on the Live 8 pulpit and told us, “If you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****”, we jumped.
We have now jumped 54,982 times. If we stop jumping the planet will die.
Anorak set about petitioning World Wildlife Fund to approve a cull of all carbon exhaling creatures that cannot jump, such as elephants, babies and Peter Crouch.
Now Madonna has issued another withering cry. In a concert broadcast over the BBC, the popstar tells us: “You guys are going to have to start f***ing it up out there ‘cos I need to feel some love.”
Jumping and fucking it up at once is no easy thing, not least of all for anyone who has trouble patting their had and rubbing their tummies at the same time.
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (5)
Fulham Beat The Drop With Viagra
TENSE times at Fulham FC, where the team are staring relegation in the face.
For beating the drop, Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed has promised his players a hamper of Viagra and caviar.
Play up Fulham. Play up, play up and play the game.
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Conceiving Cherie Blair: A Balmoral Baby And Tony’s Evidence
A PICTURE of Cherie Blair and the headline “I came back from Balmoral pregnant”.
And nine moths later baby Leo was born, the child with the wingnut ears, stuttering speech patterns and carefully arranged hair.
We journey back with Cherie, via the Sun, to 1999, and Cherie is packing for a trip to the royal house.
Says she: “This year I had not packed by contraceptive equipment, out of sheer embarrassment.”
Contraceptives are usually afforded the qualifier “device”, and Cherie’s use of “equipment” conjures images of a kit, one that possibly features a picture of Pope John Paul II, a Claire Short ringtone and a full length mirror.
Fast forward now to the eve of Cherie’s 45th birthday and there is one “shadow on my immediate horizon: My period. Where was it?”
Iraq?
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Josef Fritzl: Nazis Are Every Grandparent’s Worst Nightmare
FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news.
TONY PARSONS (Daily Mirror): “For my parents’ generation, the Nazis were their worst nightmare. To Fritzl, they were role models.”
What’s every parent’s worst nightmare these days?
And you still want to tell me they the fact that he is Austrian had absolutely nothing to do with the unimaginable crimes of Josef Fritzl?
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Manchester United Turn Brass Into Silver
AS the football pundits wonder if the Premier League has become predictable, as they are contracted to wonder every year, the Star tells its readers that Manchester United’s success was down to “HOOKERS”.
Not “those slags” as fans to other football club may care to label United’s players, but actual hookers, or prostitutes as the British press used to call them.
Expecting puns on tackles, keepie-uppies and changing ends at half time, Anorak is instead introduced to a chant from the Surrey bank managers, Ipswich schoolboys and prawn sandwich enthusiasts and anyone else who makes up the United faithful.
The song, a tribute to Ronaldo, Nani and Anderson, who all rented prostitutes back in September, goes like this (to the tune of Black Lace’s Agadoo):
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Boris Johnson’s Criminal Mind: Lest We Forget Cherie Blair
“BORIS breaks the law,” announces the Mirror on its front page.
Has Boris Johnson, London mayor of mere days been caught out so soon?
Is he drinking a tincture of gin and tonic on the Tube, thus flouting his first initiative?
Nothing of it. Boris was on a bicycle. And the Mirror says that on a trip about the capital he jumped 6 red lights, mounted the pavement and failed to stop at zebra crossing.
This might say more about cyclists, who all behave in such a fashion, more than its reveals about Johnson. Indeed had Johnson been pictured not behaving so his credentials as a bona fide cyclist might have taken a hit from which they would never recover.
But it is all thin edge of the wedge.
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Posted: 11th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Fritzl Watch: Neighbours Incest, Princess Beatrice And Space Nazis
FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news. With special guest star, Princess Beatrice…
A NEW TV soap storyline involving incest between an aunt and a nephew has been branded “sick” and “opportunistic” by a leading family group. The latest Neighbours plot features Nicola West (Imogen Bailey) and nephew Riley Parker (Sweeney Young) in a secret intimate relationship.
Turns out you can live too close to your family.
It comes after the world was sickened by news that Austrian father Josef Fritzl had imprisoned and raped his daughter for nearly a quarter of a century.
The Australian Family Association has accused producers of using the recent news events to try to attract viewers.
The Australian Family Association has been accused of using recent stories to further its own cause.
GLASGOW DAILY HERALD: “Being a chip off the old block isn’t all it’s cracked up to be – ask Beatrice”
It’s Kaye Adams: Princess Beatrice inherited her mums “great pear-shaped butt of hers? What a bummer!”
Says Kaye: “At first glance there seems nothing positive to be taken from the horrific tale of Josef Fritzl, the Austrian who kept his daughter and three children by her incarcerated in a cellar.”
Well, there’s the Teutonic engineering, the family planning, the…
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Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Rock Bottom: Celebrity Police Forget Paul Burrell
THE Sun’s plan to mend Brocken Britain by grassing up celebrities to the UK‘s Celebrity Police Force is floundering.
The grim news is that Paul Burrell will not be prosecuted for perjury despite confessing that he lied at Princess Diana’s inquest. And Burrell has every right to feel let down.
The Sun has a video of Burrell apparently admitting it all. And it handed the tape to the police in the approved manner. They viewed it, and thought that, all things considered, Burrell was not worth the effort.
That it should come to this for Burrell, now deemed less worthy of a date with the CPF than the woman who inherited Alma Colan’s hair. Pah! Even Peaches Geldof, Sir Bob’s brattish daughter, interests the police. But not Burrell.
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Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Tabloid Bingo: McCann, Matthews, McGuckin And More…
ANORAK’S’ Tabloid Bingo: With Lorraine Kelly…
The Aim of The Game: To combine the names McCann, Fritzl, Matthews, McGuckin and McKeown in one column. Can the Sun’s Lorraine do it? Eyes down…
WHY do many parents leave their common sense behind as soon as they step on the plane and go off on holiday?
A promising start from Kelly, who has set a scene which should enable her to use all five names, possibly in a single paragraph.
Parents who would not leave their children in the front garden to play on their own happily dump them in the hotel room or villa while they go for a meal. The poor McCanns will never forgive themselves for their tragic error of judgment which led to the disappearance of Maddie.
Tick!
What about the Irish bank chief and his wife who had their children taken into protective custody when on holiday in the Algarve?
You mean the mortgage advisor, Lorraine?
Eamon McGuckin was said to be so drunk that he collapsed and fell through a sofa, while his wife Antoinette threw up in their hotel reception area.
Tick!
Damn those flimsy Portuguese sofas.
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Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (28)
Legends Of The Ball: Whitney Houston’s Park Life
OVER the newswires, Anorak learns that “Whitney Houston dazzled the crowd with a rare live performance at a star-studded charity ball in London”.
And not just in any part of London but in a park.
Readers who last saw Houston in a glassy-eyed stupor may wonder if she is in the park serenading the pigeons.
PR guru Max Clifford saw Houston at the Plymouth Jazz Festival in Tobago the previous week, and said she seemed “somewhere else” (Mirror). Or “out of this world”, as he surely meant.
This is the real deal, and Houston’s audience are stars to a man.
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Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Madeleine McCann: McCanns Cleared, Shannon Matthews Fund And The Maddy Card
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
DAILY MIRROR: “McCANNS ‘IN CLEAR’”
Kate and Gerry McCann will be formally cleared as suspects in daughter Madeleine’s disappearance by August, their lawyer said yesterday.
Fact. Now the Portuguese police can find Madeleine? And the McCanns can return to Portugal.
Rogerio Alves said detectives in Portugal had finally admitted they have no evidence against the couple and were preparing to lift their arguido status. But he also warned the move could signal the end of the year-long hunt for the four-year-old.
But the Portuguese police are useless, right? And the McCanns have Metodo 3?
But McCann spokesman Clarence Mitchell said: “We don’t want the case to remain unsolved.”
DAILY MAIL: “McCanns’ status as suspects in Madeleine’s disappearance ‘will be lifted by August’”
This August. Fact.
Says Rogerio Alves: “I believe that by August the police will close the case and lift arguido status. I believe it is a very strong possibility.”
Believe. Possibility. Fact.
ROUNDTOWNNEWS (Spain): “Mass of Balloons for Madeleine”
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Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (329)
Cherie Blair On Gordon Brown Forcing Tony Out
CHERIE Blair’s autobiography is being serialised in the Sun – “the mum of four finally breaks her silence about life in Downing Street.”
The deafening sound of Cherie’s silence? Finally…
Says Cherie: “Tony used to say in terms of ability that Gordon was way ahead of everyone.
“The irony is, if they’d only worked as closely as originally agreed, Gordon’s chance would have come sooner.”
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Posted: 10th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Shopping For Ties With Irritating Paul McCartney
BREAKING Paul McCartney news in the Star where eyewitnesses spot the wobbly headed divorcee buying three ties.
Paul is in Lewis’s department store, buying three £11.99 ties – one blue, one brown, and one in hearing aid grey.
“He was really down to earth and seemed pleased,” says Tarja Ord, who served Paul his go ahead neckwear.
In unrelated news, Paul has been voted the most irritating celebrity on plant earth by people who vote on a website.
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Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
The Cat That Got Cremated: Man Kills Chopper With Bare Hands
HEARD the one about the man who killed a cat because it was teasing him?
It’s true. Says the Express: “In cuffs, the man who killed a cat ‘for taunting him’.” The Mail agrees: “Cat from next door smirked at me… so I killed it.”
There’s a picture of Mr Dougal Thorn in handcuffs, being led to a police car, and on to a police station.
Mr Thorn maintains that having knocked over a vase in his living room, the cat looked “pleased”. The cat, one Chopper, lodged with Sarah Brooker and her partner Tom Walker.
Says Mr Thorn: “The cart became a menace. He looked pleased when he knocked over a vase. Things were getting broken and the vase was knocked over with water and flowers everywhere.”
It looked like a scene from a Dutch damn disaster.
He continues: “I knocked him unconscious with my hand then threw him in the river.”
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Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (29)
Free Hannah Montana Trading Cards
THE Mirror is advertising “FREE HANNAH MONTANA trading cards”.
Every day for six days, Mirror readers can pick up cards featuring Smiley Miley, the teenaged temptress from Disney’s hit TV show.
These cards are a “must for any Hannah Montana fan”, whether you’re a pre-teen girl, worried mum or member of the sex offenders’ register who lives on a caravan sites on the Welsh coast.
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Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Celebrity Drama: Melinda Messenger Bulges
CELEBRITY drama of the day: Melinda Messenger’s Blind Love
Melinda Messenger “feared the worst” when son Flynn began to sneeze.
He eyes had started to “bulge”.
Says Melinda: “It looked so horrible. I was sure he was going to go blind.”
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Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jamie Redknapp And Loiuse’s Title Expectations
BIG news in the Star that Louise Redknapp, wife to footballer-turned-nodding head Jamie Redknapp, is expecting a baby.
Happy days, and what better time to remember a few of Jamie’s bon mots.
Today Jamie is considering the Premiership title race between Chelsea and Manchester United:
“It’s still in Chelsea’s hands because if they win today they have to hope that Man Utd slip up.”
Are you listening, junior? Can you hear daddy?
Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
We Woz Robbied: Williams And Ant ‘n’ Dec’s TV Fix
ANT (left) and Dec (right) are holding a small statuette (centre).
They are the happy winners of a British Comedy Award for their Saturday night show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. It’s 2005, and the Peoples’ Choice Award – voted by you, the People – is theirs.
But they haven’t won, not really. It’s just that Robbie Williams wants to present them with an award so ITV have fixed the vote to ensure they win and that Williams enlivens another televised showbiz AGM.
It’s the Star’s front-page news: “ANT ‘N’ DEC TV AWARD FIXED – Show is fiddled to keep Robbie Williams happy.”
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Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
