Fritzl Watch: Hitler Did It, Norman Bates And Nazis

FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news

The pensioner made the statement in notes to his lawyer Rudolf Mayer, which were passed on, at Fritzl’s request, to News, an Austrian current affairs magazine. Now read on…

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “I CONFESS”

A picture of Josef Fritzl and the news that “I learned to be disciplined from the Nazis”

He claimed he only locked up daughter Elizabeth, who was then 18, out of love and as a result of Hitler’s Germany which instilled “a high regard for decency and uprightness” in him.

Hitler. He never drank alcohol and shunned tobacco. We also hear that he had only one testicle:

He said that by kidnapping Elizabeth and keeping her in a dungeon labyrinth protected by eight doors, he “rescued” her from “going out to seedy bars” and “drinking and smoking”.

THE SUN (front page): “FRITZL: MY STORY”

Mein Kampf:

“HITLER MADE ME DO IT”

There’s picture of Josef Fritzl and Adolf Hitler. They are “faces of evil”. One’s mania led to the systematic murder of 6 million Jews, hundreds of thousands of gypsies, and a war that cost the lives of 20 million Russians (and many more dead and crippled). The other had sex with his kids.

“Adolf Hitler had been given a rapturous welcome in Fritzl’s home town of Amstetten when he visited in 1938, around the time of the cellar fiend’s third birthday.”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (12)

Revenge Is Useless On Facebook

MEET Mathew O’Mara, the subject of the Sun’s: “Sweet revenge on Facebook.”

A SCORNED woman got her own back on her ex by messaging ALL his 445 Facebook friends – branding him an idle, sponging liar who watched PORN all day.

The woman, who has chosen not to make her name known, says her revenge is worth it – she claims he owes her money and is now unlikely to see it.

But telling a Facebook goup that the Facebook user is a porn surfing idle swine is akin to revealing that Jordan sleeps on her back. It’s most likely what his group like about him. He’s one of them.

Such is the way of the web that had the woman said Mr O’Mara was into fyring his testicles in yak butter and had once embroidered a likeness of Anthea Turner onto his duvet, he would be inundated with messages of support from likeminded coves and asked for tips on how best to reflect Anthea’s blowaway hair on nylon sheets.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Tomorrow’s Amy Winehouse Sun Front Page

THANKS to the Soar-away Sun, Amy Winehouse is helping police with their enquiries.

The Sun is now the world’s first drugs free paper, committed to shining a small red light from a video camera or mobile camera phone into the faces of the nation’s leading celebrities. (Exclusive via: Beau D’Or Website)

As the official narks newspaper says: “AMY WINEHOUSE was arrested yesterday over The Sun’s sensational video showing her smoking crack.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)

VIBea: Princess Beatrice Works In Selfridges

“WHY, oh why, did I wear that one?” asks Princess Beatrice to the Mail’s Richard Kay.

Bea is talking of that bikini, the one she was photographed wearing in the Caribbean.

But she should not be too hard on herself for her choice of garment.

It was the Mail’s Allison Pearson – “Can someone please have a kindly word with her before it all goes pear-shaped?” – and Amanda Platell – “get her body under control” – who told us that it was Bea’s tummy, thighs and arse that were the wrong choice. Rest assured, Bea, the bikini was just dandy.

But young gels will take things to heart and Beatrice has been driven made enough to seek gainful employment.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (13)

Fritzl Watch: Making Nazis, Monsters And Austrians

FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news

THE GUARDIAN: “The human monster”

When we seek for causes that distance us “nice” people from the actions of those the media likes to label as “monsters”, Nazi or otherwise, we also dilute the very sense of vigilance and awareness that, perhaps, one day might give help to the most vulnerable at a time when it makes the difference between life and death, or a living death.

COURIER MAIL (Aus): “Spotlight on Austrian horrors”

An interview with writer and filmmaker Stefan Ruzowitzky, who directed The Counterfeiters, teh first Austrian film to win an Oscar:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Natalie Undressed: Wayne Rooney’s Cousin’s Tribute To Gascoigne

IS that Wayne Rooney sporting a massive pair of comedy breasts?

We will each of us react to news of Gazza’s death in our own way, and good on Wayne for invoking his formative footballing memories of 1990 and all that.

But the Sun says it’s not Wayne, rather Natalie Rooney, Wayne’s cousin launching her career as a glamour model.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Carla Bruni Gives Queen And Prince Philip Four Crowns

CARLA Bruni, wife to French President Nicolas Sarkozy, La Belle France’s answer to Lempit Opik and his Cheeky Girl, is in conversation with Paris Match magazine.

The Mail listens in and hears Carla mention her trip to Britain.

Says she: “It was like arriving on another planet. Never in my life did I think I would meet the Queen of England.”

And what of that meeting in the Windsors’ rarefied air? She recalls how at Windsor Castle, Her Majesty showed Carla around and opened a door with a cheery: “Here’s your bathroom.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Bianca Reports On Paul Gazza Gascoigne’s Death

PAUL Gascoigne is “DEAD”.

It’s the Star’s front-page news.

And while the businessmen at White Hart Lane and St James’s Park set about creating their Gascoigne Bars and lauding the hero with commemorative shirts, cocktails and compilation DVDs, the tributes are flooding in.

Here are some entries in Anorak’s Book of Condolences:

King Harald V of Norway: We the people of Norway would like to thank Gascoigne for teaching us how to say “Fuck off”. It has proven most useful on trips to the UK and I myself have used on many occasions.

Colin Hendry: “When Gascoigne flicked the ball over my head in Euro ‘96 and scored for the bastard English little did I dream that his action would lead to me becoming the face of the Clydebank Ice-O-Rama and the body of Strachan’s Chest Freezers.

And now Bianca Gascoigne pays tribute, the reality TV starlet finally able to says that she is every bit as talented as her step-father.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (15)

Compassionate Communism Is Made In China

HAVE those pins really been placed in the collar of the Chinese soldier’s shirt deliberately?

The Mail says so.

Pictures taken at an army base in Shenyang, Liaoning province, show a paramilitary policeman with head erect. Should he move from the approved position his flesh will come into contact with the needles, causing some distress and blood to cascade over his white shirt.

Readers may well believe the Mail has erred and the pins have been left in by error, a mistake many man has made. Anorak suggests they are not needles but nails.

There’s another picture of the soldiers marching with a wooden cross tucked into the back of each of their shiny black belts.

Cover the peaked hats in thorns and we could be looking at China’s fledgling Jesus Army.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Madeleine McCann And McGuckin: Max Clifford, Robert Murat And Portugal Is No Spain

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, with special guests the McGuckins.

British media massed in Portugal for the one-year anniversary of the disappearance of Madeleine McCann are filling in the blanks by watching the telly. Eamon and Antoinette McGuckin flicker into life. Now read on…

THE GUARDIAN: “Holiday couple insist they were not drunk”

Friends in their village in County Derry, Northern Ireland, said the McGuckins had been the victims of “media paranoia” generated by the first anniversary of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance.

You can never be too careful. There could have been three more Maddies.

Their children – aged one, two and six – were temporarily taken from them last weekend by the Portuguese authorities. The McGuckins said they were saddened and traumatised by the furore.

Portugal – bring the kids and get away from the kids.

DAILY MIRROR: Watching the parents. And what do we know about them?

“The couple live in a £450,000 house in Maghera, Northern Ireland.” Such are the facts.

DAILY MAIL: “’We were ill, not drunk’, claim Portugal holiday couple who had children seized”

Last night, a statement released by the McGuckins failed to state how much or what had been drunk, only that it was not “an excessive amount”.

Semantics. Well, Mr McGuckin is a “former bank manager”.

The incident has caused outrage in Portugal, where the year-long investigation into Madeleine McCann’s disappearance has already raised questions over standards of British parenting.

Let’s bomb Portugal, or at least give our young offenders a free holiday there.

BELFAST TELEGRAPH: “Did Derry duo pay for McCanns’ mistake?”

Lindy McDowell plays tabloid bingo and wonders…

And here we come to the crux of the matter. Two words — Madeleine McCann.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (669)

Coronation Street Does Josef Fritzl

MATTHEW Crompton WILL film Coronation Street’s “shocking CELLAR storyline”, says the Sun.

TV “bosses” have decided to KEEP the story “despite Austrian devil dad Josef Fritzl’s dungeon hitting the headlines”.

Good job Corrie’s storyline didn’t before Fritzl’s crimes came to light, and the show thus forced to answer some awkward question.

Crompton, who plays bookmaker Dan Mason, could do worse than ask Elisabeth Fritzl for her advice as he gets into character…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (9)

Sands In Time: The Hiccupping Metronome

CHRISTOPHER Sands has hiccupped for 15 months.

He hiccups once ever two seconds, for up to 12 hours a day, at which point, one assumes, he goes to sleep.

The Mirror says Sands calculates that he has hiccupped 9,828,000 times since February 2007.

Sands has tried everything to stop, and now hopes an operation to repair a damaged stomach valve can stop his talent.

Indeed, Sands may not see it as such, but he is billed as a singer, and we have plenty of those already. But we have only one hiccupping singer.

Can Sands do for the hiccuppers what Gareth Gates did for stammerers?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment (1)

McGuckin In McCann Peril: Foreign Crimes In Foreign Climes

BRITONS planning trips to the new Portugal should go equipped with a loud hailer, a private detective and nothing too shiny. If on a driving holiday, ensure the boot can be opened from within.

Listen to the tale told by Eamon and Antionette McGuckin, who found their three children in the care of the Portuguese – and what irony there, readers – after they were attacked by a “Rohypnol gang”.

One would imagine that given the paralysing powers of the so-called date rape drug, the Rohypnol Gang are not much cop at ganging, preferring to lie down and wait their victim to trip over them. It would help if the victims were drunk.

But this gang is armed with the drug and slipping it into the “small jug” of sangria the McGuckins were quaffing, sipping, even. (Although the Mirror’s Sue Carroll sees the “dog tired, hot and thirsty” couple taking beer – mucky foreign beer.)

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (448)

Why Dad’s Kill Their Own Children

“WHAT’S driving so many dads to kill the own children?” asks Allison Pearson on the Mail’s front page.

Below Allison’s smiling face, in “WE’VE LESS TO SPEND THAN FOR 17 YEARS”, readers learn: “Devastating price rises mean families have less to spend on themselves than at any time for 17 years.”

What to do…? What to do..?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Madeleine McCann: McGuckins, CCTV And A Mother’s Scream

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

SUE CARROLL (Mirror): The McGuckins are “ashamed”.

“What they should not be are convenient scapegoats for the Portuguese police who, a year on, have failed to turn up even a sliver of evidence on the fate of Madeleine McCann”

McCann. McGuckin. It’s Tabloid Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

DAILY MAIL: “Big Brother? Hardly. The CCTV cameras don’t work – and actually make crime even worse”

Says Ross Clark: “The revelation that only three per cent of London street robberies are solved by CCTV cameras comes as no surprise to me.”

It is a similar story with that other great arm of the surveillance society: the national DNA database. So far, there has been muted public protest at the database, on which there is now the DNA of 4.5 million Britons recorded. But the public’s view of the database is based on the assumption that it is helping to catch criminals. Yesterday, however, the Home Office admitted that for every 800 samples added to the database, it helps solve just one crime.

For example?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (93)

Kevin Maguire Says Boris Johnson Is Politic’s George Best

SAYS Kevin Maguire in the Mirror: “Cocky David Cameron has privately conceded that he’s not as popular as he’d like us to think.”

Says the Mirror’s deputy political editor, Jason Beattie one page on:

“Gordon Brown was yesterday warned by Cabinet colleagues his core voters were being won over by David Cameron.

“One senior minister said former Labour supporters were not just ‘flirting’ with the Tory leader but climbing into bed with him.”

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Fritzl Watch: Hitler’s Brothel, Josef Fritzl’s Bunker And England Invades

FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news

THE SUN (front page): “Inside Fritzl’s other dungeon”

To the dungeon room at Villa Ostende, a brothel in Linz where a blonde prostitute says: “I was hired by him many times and he was sick beyond imagination. He chose me because he said he liked young, plump girls who were happy to submit to him.”

Did you know that “Adolf Hitler was among its former clients”?

Barman Christoph Flugel tells us: “Ninety-five per cent of the guests are entirely normal, three per cent are slightly ‘derailed’. Fritzl belonged to the last two per cent of extreme perverts.”

Which group he’d put Hitler in was not enlarged upon, although he was something of a prude and insited on keeping his socks on. Those kinky Nazis.

Meanwhile, back at the house:

“Pipework is also being checked after Fritzl bragged he would turn the cellar into a Nazi-style gas chamber if the kids disobeyed him.”

Those Austrian really are obsessed with Nazis. Perhaps we should invade before it gets outyof hand, again?

THE lawyer representing Fritzl, Rudolf Mayer, yesterday claimed he had received death threats from English soccer fans planning to travel to Euro 2008 games in Austria.

Cue the theme song to Escape To Victory. We’re going in…

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “MPs from Austria’s two far-Right parties, the Alliance for the Future of Austria and the Freedom Party, have demanded castration for repeated sex offenders, plus compulsory examinations of children for the purpose of detecting sexual abuse.”

All kinder will have their genitalia examined and probed for signs of interference and deformity.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Daily Wail: Hair Die, Short People For Alzheimer’s And Trampoline Terror

A SELECTION of headline news from the Daily Mail – the paper of doom:

• “Dementia threat is greater for short people’ – Men and women with short arms and legs are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s in later life, claim scientists”

• “Is debilitating ME in the genes rather than in the mind?”

• “My broken neck proves the danger of garden trampolines” – A 37-year-old woman tells of her garden trampoline horror

• “My varicose vein op hurt so much I thought I’d die” – Is Britt Eckland wearing corduroys?

• Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Pete Doherty’s Latest Release

PETE Doherty has been released from jail, and Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Says he:

Well, I knew it was going to be a bit rough to start with, with the overcrowding and the medical facilities although they do their best – they are good, they can’t really cater for the average junkie…

Doherty can’t be the average junkie, can he? Is the average junkie so polite? Says Doherty:

“Thank you Mrs Thatcher for putting me in the company of the most dangerous criminals in the country.”

Granted, Doherty may have slept through the Blair years and be confusing the former and aged Prime Minister with the current Queen, but it is a mistake many have made, not least of all Queen  Margaret…

Doherty. Doherty. Doherty. Out! Out! Out!

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Alan Sugar’s Police Force Go At A Fair Clip

WANT to know how Sir Alan Sugar would “fix broken Britain”.

With a pointy finger, a moan about the bluddy no-marks and a call to the service centre?

Sir Alan says he’d use a “slegdgehammer to crack a nut”. That the sledgehammer would be an Amstrad Sledge-0-Player, the only hammer that doubles as a video recorder is beside the point.

Sir Alan wants respect, he very possibly demands it. Says he: “When I was a lad [stay with it] we’d often walk through the street and make a load of noise or kick a can or whatever.”

Yeah. Whatever.

“Then we’d get collared by a copper and he’d give you a clip round the ear!”

Ah, those were the days when spontaneous acts of violence meant something. But things haven’t changed so much, not really.

And in the Mirror’s “I CAN’T BREATHE, I CAN’T BREATHE,” readers get three shots of CCTV footage of four coppers giving Frank Ogboru a clip around the ear – or restraining him, as it is now termed – to such a degree that he stops breathing and dies.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Celebrity Police After Peaches Geldof And A Can Of Celebrity Worms

“MY FEAR FOR PEACHES,” says the Mail’s front-page headline, words that could be uttered by just about anyone – Bob Geldof, the Man From DelMonte or the Mail’s Liz Jones.

The chair is with Jones who says she met the daughter of famous parents Bob and Paula Yates and found her to be “spoilt” and “completely undeserving of the enormous leg-up she has been given in her chosen career of TV presenter.”

She was also “sad”.

That’s “THE TROUBLE WITH PEACHES”. No, not that journalists can recall meeting her and now seek to stick the boot in as she confronts allegations of drug talking. The trouble with Peaches is something else entirely.

The trouble is the “fear of the police knock on the door”.

The Mirror has spotted our Celebrity Police Force at work, and using a picture of “Cocaine Kate” Moss, Amy Winehouse and the aforesaid Yates, places Peaches in context.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Fritzl Watch: Thought For The Day

FRITZL Watch: Anorak’s look at Josef Fritzl, Elisabeth Fritzl, Nazis and assorted Frtizls in the news

Josef Fritle’s bunker, sorry, cellar is the subject of Sun’s columnist Lorraine Kelly’s thoughts.

“The Austrian police should have a massive recruitment drive and set up a special unit to search every single cellar in their entire country. Who knows what more vile horrors would be revealed.” The cops should “start arming themselves with pickaxes, torches and strong stomachs and start searching those cellars”.

It’s what the Nazis would have done. After all, thiis is “the country that gave us Adolf Hitler”, who seems to have inspired Kelly’s campaign.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (14)

Madeleine McCann: The McGuckins, Middle-Class Drinks And

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Portugal booze parents’ court fear”

It’s Eamon and Antoinette McGuckin.

Bank manager Eamon, 35, passed out in the hotel reception while Antoinette, 36, vomited before falling unconscious.

A source close to the family said last night: “They are very ashamed. They want to go to court. They want to say to the judge that the children are safe with them.”

Significant:

Vilamoura is 45 miles from Praia da Luz, where four-year-old Madeleine McCann went missing while her parents were out with friends a year ago.

DAILY MAIL: “Shamed: The middle class parents who got so drunk on holiday their three children were taken into care”

Middle-class drinkers. Who knew of such a thing?

Mr McGuckin used to be manager of the Magherafelt branch of the Ulster Bank, a spokesman said. He left 18 months ago and is understood to now work for a mortgage company. His wife is a full-time mother.

British parents:

The incident has caused outrage in Portugal, where the year-long investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine McCann has already raised questions over standards of British parenting.

BELFAST NEWSLETTER: “Couple ‘will face NI social services’”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (460)

A Miss Is As Good As a Mile: Gemma Garrett And Locals In Crewe Nantwich Election

IT looks like being clean fight in the Crewe and Nantwich by-election as Miss Great Britain Gemma Garrett steps into a swimming pool in her immaculate smalls.

“I am really looking forward to meeting all the voters there and to showing them the power of beauty,” says the Beauties for Britain Party representative, who may care to add the caveat: “weather permitting.”

There’s Garrett in the Mail, her tiara-topped bust alongside a picture of Tamsin Dunwoody, daughter to Gwyneth Dunwoody, who held the contested seat until her recent death.

Belfast’s Miss Dunwoody is blonde, so stands comparison with Xanthus Miss Garrett, who went to school in London and lives in Wales.

Up against her is the Tory’s Edward Timpson (brunette), who, as the Mail says, lives 15 miles from Crewe.

The contest is already “dirty”, says the Mail, as accusations fly as to which candidate is the most local.

Anorak has plotted a graph of the agonists localness, taking into account each of their movements since birth and now delivers the mean distance from Town Hall for each contestant.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Vinnie Jones Lends Paul Gascoigne A Mahogany Hand

WHEN that photo was taken of Vinnie Jones massaging Paul Gascoigne’s tackle who would have predicted the men’s careers would develop as they have done?

Gascoigne was to don a pair of comedy breasts, tell Norway to f*** off and score a wonderful goal in Euro /96 just to get a drink.

Jones went on to star in a TV advert for the AA and become the one Wimbledon player to go to Hollywood for anything other than a holiday.

Had only some agent spotted Gascoigne’s comedic talents the man could now be fronting Paul Gascoigne’s TV Burp on the magic box.

Do we laugh when reading the Sun’s headline “Gazza was begging in street…he tried to buy a Ferrari then his trouser fell down”? Take care with your reaction. Gazza was wearing no underwear, says the car dealer.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)