Josef Fritzl And Austria’s House Of Horrors: Blame The Nazis

JOSEF FRITZL has admitted to keeping his family – daughter Elisabeth and their children – in the cellar of his Austrian house. But how Germanic is the crime? And what does it say about us?

Now read on…

DAILY MIRROR: “THE WORLD’S MOST EVIL DAD”

Says police chief Franz Polzer: “We’re not talking about a prison designed to hurt its prisoners, but something built to fulfil their basic human needs. He got planning permission and gradually built the various rooms in which the children were born and lived.”

The Oesterreich newspaper wrote in an editorial: “The community of Amstetten should drown in shame.”

DAILY MAIL: “Austria: Secrecy, shame and the land of the lost children”

Like many Britons whose image of Austria was defined by school history lessons and The Sound Of Music, whenever this landlocked Alpine nation is mentioned certain stereotypes spring to my mind.

And the Nazis. And Hitler. And little cakes with pictures of Mozart on them..

Or at least they did, until this week. One would think of mountain vistas shimmering with snow-white swathes of edelweiss, and apple strudels accompanied by cream-topped mugs of hot chocolate.

And one would remember that, although modern Austria is little more than a stepping-stone on the road to Eastern Europe, it was once the rock on which the mighty Hapsburg Empire was built, and dominated the civilised world for centuries.

What about the Nazis..?

As anyone who remembers the plot to The Sound Of Music will recall, during the late Thirties and Forties, Austrian society was riven with fear and mistrust, as some connived with the annexing Nazis and others (like the film’s defiant naval captain Georg von Trapp) sought to remain free of their malign influence.

Fact and fiction. The camps are alive with the sound of…

The Germans encouraged collaborators to spy on their neighbours and report any dissent, and – much as the Austrians now dislike admitting it – this has produced the sort of insular mentality which underpins its towns and villages to this day.

THE GUARDIAN: “’This monstrous crime raises pressing questions for a rich, self-satisfied society’”

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Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (17)

Josef Fritzl Admits Raping Elisabeth Fritzl

HE did it. Josef Fritzl has confessed to imprisoning his daughter Elisabeth in a cellar for 24 years and fathering her seven children, according to Austrian police sources.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (29)

That Disgusting Photo Of Hannah Montana’s Miley Cyrus

THE Mail’s vicar smacks his lips together and hisses: “The revealing picture of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus that forced the 15-year-old to apologise to fans.”

Miley Cyrus, singing teen sensation and 15-year-old star of Disney series Hannah Montana has been photographed by Annie Leibovitz, for Vanity Fair magazine. That’s her in the picture.

Much shock and scandal. The vicar wonders what right-minded soul does not look at the craven picture and imagine Cyrus naked beneath, her chest pushed forward, alabaster breasts touching the…

“My goal in my music and my acting is always to make people happy,” says Miley. (Did no-one tech her it’s rude to interrupt?) “For Vanity Fair I was so honoured and thrilled to work with Annie.

And now: “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for this to happen and I apologise to my fans, who I care so deeply about.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (27)

Tabloid Economy: How The Daily Express Survives Maddy and Diana

THE answer to the Express’s “No Maddy, No Diana” dilemma is simple. It’s the economy, stupid.

The paper’s keenest minds are focusing their fierce intellects upon the rising cost of living and the stable price of the Express itself.

A price, as we reported previously, that is lower the Daily Mail’s.

Now that the gentleman’s agreement between the proprietors of these two great institutions has broken down, the Express feels free to have a pop at its grander rival.

“10p CHEAPER THAN THE DAILY MAIL …AND TEN TIMES BETTER.”

There is an obvious problem here.

Yes that’s right. Treading in dog shit on the way to work is also ten times better than the Mail – and what’s more, it’s 50p cheaper.

By this reckoning, the Express is therefore ten times better than treading in dog shit on the way to work, and 40p more expensive.

That’s not really much of a selling point is it?

It also ignores the awkward fact that the Express is not ten times better than the Mail. In fact, its only saving grace is that because it is a cheaply produced imitation of the Mail, it doesn’t have the money to spend on Mail style “exclusives”.

It is therefore smaller and contains less poison.

We think a fair slogan would be:

Five times better than the Mail, and ten pence cheaper! Not quite as annoying or revolting as treading in dog shit and only 40 pence more expensive!

But the Express is unlikely to follow our advice

It seems to have developed an alternative route. As befits a paper with a crusader on its masthead, it has established a “cost-of-living crusade”, which is “winning thousands of converts every day”.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Madeleine McCann: Sometimes We Feel Like Giving Up

“SOMETIMES WE JUST FEL LIKE GIVING UP” declares the Mirror “…but Maddie just keeps us going”.

The headline is not, as you might think, an anguished crie de coeur from the paper’s editors. It is, of course, a quote from Kate McCann. The legend at the top of the page reads: “McCANNS 1 YEAR ON”.

Other papers follow suit, with the Sun featuring a 12-page special and pin-up size pictures of “The face we will never forget”.

The Star eschews such tacky emotionalism and goes for a hard news story for its cover: “MUSLIM SICKOS’ MADDIE KIDNAP SHOCK.”

The paper says police are set to investigate a “vile attack on Madeleine McCann’s parents” by Muslim extremists.

What kind of attack? A suicide bomb, perhaps?

No. In a “hysterical rant” on the internet, “fanatics blame the couple for her disappearance”.

All very interesting. But what of the Star’s stablemate, the Maddy Express? What extravaganza are they offering for Day 365? A 28-page special?

Curiously, the front page is bereft of the face we will never forget. Perhaps Express Newspapers have issued a completely separate edition of the paper devoted entirely to all things McCann?

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (459)

Madden About The Girl: A PH Test For Just Married Paris Hilton

IT’S Paris Hilton, straight-to-tissues home video star, heiress and American Royalty.

“PARIS MATCH,” says the Mirror as Benji Madden, a performer with pop band Good Charlotte, introduces her as his brother Joel’s sister-in-law.

Can Paris be married? And what does the gigantic diamond ring on her finger with the initials PH mean? The Mirror’s 3am girls, now reduced in number from three to two do not say, and lack the resources to investigate.

Anorak consults its big book of abbreviations to see PH: “Public House”; “Proportional Hazard”; and a test for acid.

Or what about “Photographer’s Hoof”, as the Sun reports on how Hilton and her “boyfriend” are accused of running over the foot of one Glen Gurniak?

Says he: “There were too many people that side of the car so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Bra-vo For Melanie Slade On Wags

SAYS Melanie Slade, girlfriend to footballer Theo Walcott, of her fellow Wags in FHM magazine:

“I hate the stereotype – the shopping all day long, the short dresses and massive sunglasses. I would never want to be associated with those women. The wannabes who are so desperate to sleep with a footballer have no respect for themselves, no ambition, nothing.”

“Bravo for Theo’s girl,” says the Sun as she poses in FHM, wearing a matching knickers and bra exposed thought a slipped-down and ridden-up grey T-shirt.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Elisabeth Fritzl, Natascha Kampusch And Austria

ELISABETH Fritzl was locked in a cellar for 24 years by her father, by whom she gave birth to seven children.

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “SLAVE IN CELLAR FOR 24 YEARS”

Say neighbours of Josef in Amstetten, Austria: “It’s incredible. He seemed such a harmless old man.”

That’s Josef. Or Joseph, as she soon becomes.

Astonishingly Elisabeth, 42, lived with three of the youngsters in the 1.7metre-high dungeon reached through a garage and accessible only by an electronic lock with a special code.

THE SUN: “7 kids by my dungeon dad”

The horror was only revealed after the 19-year-old fell critically ill — and evil Josef was forced to take the girl to hospital.

Doctors found a handwritten note in unconscious Kerstin’s pocket. It was from her mum — begging medics to save her daughter.

DAILY EXPRESS (front page): “Ordeal of girl held in cellar for 24 years”

Elisabeth Fritzl is 42.

Police say she appeared “greatly disturbed”

DAILY MAIL (front page): “GIRL LOCKED IN A CELLAR FOR 24 YEARS”

In the case of Miss Fritzl, she was kept locked in a series of narrow, windowless rooms with ceilings about 5ft 6in high that were accessed by a door hidden behind a cupboard with a security code that only the father knew.

The Mail will not go metric, unlike the compliant Mirror.

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Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (48)

Why Chelsea Mowerman Sam Bethell Mows With United’s Evra

RAINDROPS on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things…

Not if you’re Sam Bethell, they’re not. And neither are cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple streudels, let alone doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.

No. When the dog bite, when the bee stings, when he’s feeling sad, Sam simply remembers nights on the beer and tear-ups on the terraces.

The Sun says that the 23-year-old Millwall supporter “lists drinking and books about hooliganism among his favourite things”.

All very informative. But who is Sam Bethall? He’s a supporter of “the best team in London, no, the best team of all” (as Millwall’s club song would have it). But that doesn’t stop him selling his soul every day by working on the ground staff at Stamford Bridge, home of the Lions’ arch-enemies Chelsea.

Not that the “tattooed mowerman” seems unduly bothered. “I sit on a mower watching some of the world’s greatest players play football,” he brags. And he is entitled to feel proud. This, let us not forget, at a ground where large numbers of fans hold “mowermen” in such high esteem that they sing “One Man Went To Mow” for hours on end.

So why is Sam Bethall in the news? Because he was involved in a fracas with Manchester United defender Patrice Evra after the match on Saturday.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)

Lulu Is A 60s Singing Sensation

LAYDEES’n’gentalmeeen, please put your fingers in your ears and prepare to be screamed at by Lulu…

Here’s Lulu, the only act more excited to see herself than her fans are to see her.

“Lulu..woo-hoo!” says the Mirror, when it should be saying “Lulu..w-hell”.

She’s moved with the times has Lulu, developing from a 1960s’ singing sensation to a “pushing 60” wonder. “Lulu – About to hit 60 and lovely as ever,” says the Express on its front page.

The Mirror says Lulu is 59 and on stage with identical twins Brit and Alex to sing You Can Keep Your Hat On.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Ys And Y Nots Of Sean Connery And Daniel Craig

YOU can always trust a man who tucks his vest into his Y-fronts, which is why the new James Bond troubles us.

The Mail produces a picture of pouting Bond actor Daniel Craig in his now well-used light blue swimmers.

To his side is an image of Craig’s Bond predecessor Sean Connery dressed in manly white Y-fronts.

The Mail says the actor is on the set of From Russia With Love and “thought to be preparing for a bedroom scene.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Amy Winehouse: The Sun Shines On Blake Wood And Alex Haines

AMY Winehouse is dating one Alex Haines.

Says his stepfather Roger Vine: “He’d never get involved with drugs and doesn’t drink much. He’d be positive influence.”

As if to prove the point the Mirror investigates Haines. This expedition if journalism goes as far as visiting Facebook and finding a picture of Haines “stripped to the waist at a drug-fuelled Thai beach party as he dances with his eyes half-shut”. The paper says the picture is captioned “Alex tripping”.

Having set the scene, the Mirror then reminds its readers that “there is no proof that he has even taken drugs”. Readers should not read of the drugs, the eyes, the tripping and the “boozy wild nights out” and draw the wrong conclusion – such is the Mirror’s professionalism.

This is Haines of whom a source says: “He always said he’d do anything to get rich and would love to be famous.”

Anything? Would he sleep with Winehouse, something the Sun says one Blake Wood has done in the rooms at London’s Park Plaza hotel?

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Padma Lakshmi Finds A Teddy To Love

SALMAN Rushdie’s, 60, former wife, the 37-year-old Indian model Padma Lakshmi, is said to have found love with Teddy Forstman.

The Express says he’s a 67-year-old American billionaire.

The Mail says he’s 68 – “and not only is he richer than the irascible author, he is also older.”

We have little idea what the Mail is driving at, and can only say that we hope the rich man and his lovely lady are as happy and suited as Old Mr Anorak’s youngest son and his impoverished-but-ambitious new love…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

George Galloway Accused By Human Stress Ball

RECOVERED from the stress of the stress ball attack, George Galloway is back on the camping trail.

To Westminster, and Galloway is stood atop his open-topped bus.

“I salute your indefatigability,” says one admirer, quoting Galloway’s famour catchphrase, before adding a cheery “you w***er”.

Says eyewitness Amanda Lamb in the Sun: “Galloway yelled, ‘Come up here and say that, big man’. The guy yelled back and said he was happy to go up on the bus and talk to him.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Carly Zucker Is Nuts For Paul Gascoigne’s Mars Bar

A PICTURE of Carly Zucker, Wag to Chelsea’s slack-jawed footballer Joe Cole.

Zucker is seen in the Star stepping from a car which is full of Mars branded footballs.

Zucker, dressed in red and black, is the face of the Mars campaign to “get more youngsters playing sport this summer”. And, one imagines, playing sport while fuelled by wholesome confectionary.

And rightly so. Mars bars, as with all fattening, queasy treats, should only be eaten by persons engaged in sporting activity. The wonder is that they don’t come with a free rowing machine or pair of trainers.

The only problem is that Paul Gascoigne and not Zucker should have got the nod to front the campaign. For a period in the 1980s and early 1990s, Gazza was country’s foremost Mars bar muncher.

Gascoigne was routinely pelted with Mars bars at football matches. It was Gazza who once paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagent’s in his home town of Dunston.

It was Gascoigne who in 1989 put his name to the book Daft As A Brush, which featured a nutrition section entitled Keep Fat With Gazza, and “12 exciting ways to eat a Mars Bar” – Number four: “Eat it on a bus.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Daily Wail: Headline Of The Day

DAILY Mail headline of the day:

“HOW THE WEB STOLE OUR CHILDREN”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Those Daily Express Scoops In Full

THE Daily Express leads with news that it costs 40p, which is 10p cheaper than the Daily Mail and “TEN TIMES BETTER.”

The scoops just keep on coming as the Daily Express reminds readers that it is “THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER.”

Anorak’s pack of media lawyers have been pouring over the front-page sensations and can say that:

“YES!” – the Express is ten pence cheaper than the Mail.

“YES!” – the Express costs 40p.

“YES!”- the Mail costs 50p.

Other than that we would not wish to comment…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)

Gemma Atkinson Is Made In China

GEMMA Atkinson has endured a “death-defying walk” along the Great Wall of China, all 42 miles of it.

And how did she survive “sheer clifftops”, “perilous valleys” and ancient Chinese stone cladding? Says the Star: “Thanks to her jungle training on I’m A Celebrity.”

But knowing how to change a toilet roll in an open-air studio might not be enough. And, as luck had it, also on the walk was Cliff Richard, a camera crew and Olivia Newton-John.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Priosoners Break In To Go To Jail

JUST smash the jeweler’s window and get yourself some for “cheap drugs, satellite TV, free telephone calls and breakfast in bed.”

And that’s if you lose and get caught. Win and you get some 18carat gold necklaces, leather-style watchstraps and fame as an entertainer of sorts on TV’s Crimewatch.
Villains cannot lose. At least that’s what the Mail says as it uses its front page to announce: “CRIMINALS BREAK IN TO OUR SOFT JAILS.”

And so says Glyn Travis, assistant general secretary of the Prison Officers’ Association. He uses the “classic example” of Everthorpe Prison where a drug dealer was using ladders to sneak into the prison grounds and pass drugs though cell windows.

No other example is given, creating the suspicion that this “classic example” is the only example of this kind of behaviour and that it is being used to serve Mr Travis’s pet cause.

On the matter of breakfast in bed, or “LUXURY LIFE IN OUR JAILS”, as the Express advertises on its front page, a Prison Service spokesman says that prisoners are handed a breakfast pack, which they eat in their bedroom, which also serves as their toilet, lounge, dining room and study.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Shoegazing With Gwyneth Paltrow

LOOK everyone, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow.

“High, Gwyneth!” says the Mails’ front-page greeter. Gwyneth’s in London. And she’s wearing high heels.

“Feeling Coldplay, Gwyneth?” asks the Sun on its cover.

“WOW Gwyneth,” says the Express on its front page. She’s “HIGH ON HEELS.”

“Gwyn and bare it,” trills the Mirror on Page number one.

It’s the biggest single case of shoegazing since Morrissey dropped his tambourine…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Les Liaisons Dangereuses: Abbey Clancy Meets Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace

AS befitting any long-haired lover of a Liverpool footballer, mo-del Abbey Clancy has gone away to “calm down”.

So says the Star, which leads with news of goings on at London’s Valmont club.

Yes, as in Vicomte de Valmont, of Les Liaisons Dangereuses repute. In this modern version of the book, the part of Valmont is played by Big Brother star emeritus Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace (seen on the paper’s front cover in 18th Century knickers and bra).

She is said to have made a “desperate” move for Clancy’s (Marquise de Merteuil) footballer Peter Crouch (Madame de Tourvel or the virginal Cécile de Volanges?).

“I can’t believe Abbey Clancy was trying to f****** start with you,” says one onlooker in halting French.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Sky Watch: Ian Wright On The ‘Sinister’ BBC’s Licence Fee

SKY WATCH- Anorak’s occasional look at plugs in Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers for Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV.

Ian Wright, former BBC football pundit and Sun columnists, is talking about the BBC:

“They put out these sinister adverts about what will happen if you don’t pay the licence fee, then serve up a load of rubbish… If reality dancing shows aren’t your thing then tough luck.

“It’s all right for me because I can pay the licence fee and still afford to pay for Sky”

Should the licence fee be abolished? Rupert..?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Madleine McCann: Rachel Oldfield Knows, Doctors And Gerry McCann

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY MAIL: “Stop the carnival” 

It’s Richard Littlejohn:

I’ve always been uneasy about the media carnival, but figured if that’s what got her parents through the night, what business was it of mine.

However, one year on, there’s something distasteful about the continuing round of claim and counter-claim, blame and counter-blame.

Gerry and Kate McCann should be left alone with their demons, with our sympathy, and not live out their guilt in public any longer. The police and the private detectives should be left to get on with their job.

The Tapas Seven, the McCanns’ PR man, the professional ghouls should all keep their theories to themselves.

And their opinions?

DAILY MIRROR: “Rachael Oldfield of the Tapas Seven breaks her silence over McCann’s torment”

Tapas Seven? And why speak now?

Rachael Oldfield, a 36-year-old recruitment consultant, said: “I was there on the night. I spent time with Gerry and Kate during the week before May 3 and after.

What happened? 

“Their emotions and their reactions were just agonising. There’s just no way they were involved in anything to do with Madeleine’s disappearance.

“If you take the common sense approach and look at timings and the fact they are medics and there are four other medics in the group, they would know what to do to resuscitate a child.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (1,828)

Amy Winehouse Cleans Up With Her Act

NEWS is that good looking, vivacious and not-in-the-least-bit-flaky Amy Winehouse is worth £10million

The Mirror says that the singer has raked in the cash “despite a lengthy booze and drugs battle.”

That would be the same booze and drugs battle that has helped case her fame to shoot up faster than Pete Doherty on the other end of John Prescott’s see-saw?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Bruce Willis To Play Murray Walker In Schumacher Film

“IF you pop a pair of glasses on Bruce [Willis], the similarity to a younger Murray Walker is amazing.”

Using some computer wizardry Anorak complies.

Considering the results, we can only say that given the high probability that Walker wears a vest at all times, had a BBC studio been invaded by a gang of murderous Germans it would have been so much the worse for them.

“There they go, motherf*****.”

Sure enough Walker can sound like Willis, but can Willis do Walker’s impression of a car engine, what TV pundits call nasal vibrato?

That’s the challenge facing Willis should he get the nod to play Walker in The Michael Schumacher Story.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)