Woman Fined For Feeding Sausage Roll To Child

SARAH Davies is feeding her daughter Chloe a sausage roll in Hull.

Were this tableau occurring in more affluent parts of London, or Anthea Turner’s Surrey home, and were Ms Davies older than 20, we would think nothing of it.

The sausage would be organic and the pastry made with lo-fat butter and a fine artisan’s flour hewn from wheat farmed by fair-minded Bolivians.

But this is Hull. Ms Davies is young. Her daughter is aged 4. Feelings run high, and when a piece of snout-in-a-tube hits the pavement, Davies is upbraided.

She is handed a fixed penalty notice to the amount of £75.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)

Amy Winehouse Is Off Her Headbutts On Pub Crawl

AMY Winehouse has hit “ROCK BOTTOM”.

So says the Sun’s front page, which pictures Winehouse trying to see her eyebrows without a mirror.

Inside and: “Crazed Amy hits 2 men, trashes bar, snogs bloke, smokes drugs in street then has taxi row.”

Readers not up with the music scene may wonder what it is about Winehouse that marks her out for special treatment, her night out being pretty much the norm for us all. Throw in a kebab and Winehouse’s antics would be a fitting tribute to St George’s Day.

This is Winehouse’s 8-hour pub bender, says the Star. It’s her six-hour pub crawl, says the Mail.

Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi is playing pool in Camden Town pub The Good Mixer. Says he: “She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back – she’s a woman.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)

Emigrate With The Sun For Just £15

IT’S not only East Europeans who are taking advantage of cheap flights and coaches.
Sun readers are being invited to up sticks and flee as the paper introduces its “HOLS FROM £15”.

Having read “Welcome to Boston, Eastern Europe”, Sun readers can pick 21 “parks” from nine “countries”.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s Game Of Rat And Mouse

MORE insights into Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s behind closed doors action as the Mockney puts own his mobile phone to talk about house pricezzzz…

He says that immigrants have changed the market. Says Ritchie: “And as anyone who has tried to buy a house in central London knows, it’s almost impossible to do so unless you have ten million quid.”

That’s £10million pounds to you Londoners. And, as luck has it, Guy and is lovely American wife Madonna, do have such an amount, indeed they have enough to own six home houses in the capital.

Says Guy (American for Geyser) in Empire magazine: “The natives are being left behind because the big money came in and if it wanted something it bought it and made a fortune.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Madeleine McCann: Anne Enright, Mark Warner And Goncarlo Amaral

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “Maddy’s cop quits”

Madeleine McCann has her own private policeman?

The detective sacked as head of the Madeleine McCann inquiry is quitting the force on full pension. It is thought Goncalo Amaral may talk about the case after telling colleagues he quit partly to recover his “freedom of speech”.

THE SUN: “Kate: We all checked kids”

MADELEINE McCann’s parents have told how they devised their own baby-listening service because the complex they were staying in had none. Kate and Gerry McCann reveal in a new TV documentary how they and seven friends took it in turns to look in on all their kids at the Ocean Club.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (342)

English Barred From Pubs And Boston Toasts

“BRIT PUBS BAN ON ENGLISH DRINKERS…but it’s OK if you are a Pole,” says the Star’s front-page headline.

You could pretend to be a Pole at the Punch And Judy pub in Covent Garden, where signs of Englishness, such as cross of St George beanie hats, tattoos and thongs, are banned.

But Lisa Rathbone didn’t get the message, and failing to arrive with a hod over her shoulder and a promise to do the job cheaper and better, found her way to the bar blocked.

“We are not thugs,” says she, “we have some out to celebrate St George’s Day and have a normal drink. She then offers the popular refrain: “Who the hell’s country is it now?”
Ms Rathbone understands what it means to be English, offering a traditional complaint.

But she could try harder. Over in Boston, Lincolnshire, a sign in the pub window says “No English”. The Star says the ban sparked a riot. Shops were looted, a police car set on fire and windows smashed by “enraged yobs”.

As the Mirror says: “Here in Boston, Lincs, integration is working.” Boston is in “POLE POSITION”. The paper’s ‘Hope Not Hate’ battle bus is not needed here.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Billie Piper’s Rub ‘N’ Tell

“IS Billie Piper’s tummy hiding a little secret?”

There’s a picture on the Express’ front page of Piper in a bikini. That would be enough for any other news day but today there is more: Piper is caressing the gap between bikini top and bikini bottom with her right hand.

Is this a tell, a sign that something is up?

Most people rub their noses when lying we are told, or tug their ear lobe when plotting world domination. Now the Express says rubbing a tummy is a sign of being secretive, of being a little secret keeper, a keeper of little secrets.

The Mail agrees and on its front page asks: “So, Billie… is there a little secret you’d like to share?”

If this were a big secret, Piper would be using her left hand, of course. But it’s her right hand, so the secret may be a little one.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

There Are No Gays In Football

THERE are no gays in football. That’s what Sir Bobby Robson once said, back in the days when he was plain old Bobby. It’s not “conductive” to them, he explained.

Of course, he changed his tune later, and waxed lyrical about the cosmopolitan ways of Barcelona with its ladyboys and what-have-you.

As ever, we tolerant English are ahead of the game. The Latins (as we once called those foreign football types) are still stuck in the dark ages of crumbling terraces catenaccio, racism and homophobia.

“BENDERS AIN’T LIKE BECKHAM,” announces the Star’s rather confusing headline. (Note to younger readers: “bender” is a term for gays that was in common playground parlance when Old Mr Anorak was a nipper.)

It transpires that the disgraced former Juventus chief Luciano Moggi reckons that there are no homosexuals in football because “the football world is not designed for them”. The 69-year-old describes himself as “old school”.

More interesting are the other footballing figures quoted in the article.

It is interesting, for instance, to learn that the former Argentina coach Daniel Passarella was quoted in 1998 as saying he didn’t want any gays or long-haired players in his team. (Passarella captained his country to victory in the 1978 World Cup – unquestionably the team with the longest hair in the history of the competition.)

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Amy Winehouse and Blake’s Kiss ‘n’ Cell Book

AMY Winehouse has been offered £1million to write a book about her marriage to her incarcerated husband Blaaaaake.

It’s a kiss ‘n’ cell.

Says a source in the Sun: “They are prepared for it to be warts and all.”

Given the state of the Winehouse complexion, readers can make their own assumptions.

But what of this tome? Most autobiographies deal with rows, sexual conquests or a chance to score points over an arch rival (aka: setting the record straight).

Winehouse married Blaaake on May 18 2007. On November 10th 2007, Blake was sent to jail.

They have shared the marital bed for a full 176 days. That’s 15,206,400 seconds, 253,440 minutes or 4224 hours.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Immigrants Take Boston And EU Carves Up Britain

THE Star leads the way with all things St George, but how do the others follow?

The Express and Mail both take a typically miserable view of this sceptred isle. Both have articles about Boston in Lincolnshire – a symbol, it seems of all that is wrong with our dear old country.

The Express helpfully prints the town’s coat of arms, which bears the historic legend: “TWINNED WITH LAVAL, FRANCE.”

But that’s the least of Boston’s problems. The headline calls it “The English Town where 25% of the people are from Eastern Europe”. The Mail prefers a snappier banner: “The market town where they speak 65 languages… and a quarter of the people are East European migrants.” And in case you missed the point, that makes it “A CORNER OF ENGLAND THAT’S BARELY ENGLISH”.

“The once decaying port has even developed a continental café culture,” complains Britain’s leading quality tabloid. Wot no Little Chef?

Well that’s really put a wet blanket on our celebrations. Surely the Sun can cheer us up on the day of our patron saint?

Sacre bleu! What’s this? “Fury at new Euro names for UK regions.”

Yes, you heard it right: “Gordon Brown will today fly the flag of St George over Downing Street – as the EU plots to carve up Britain into a United States of Europe.”

It’s true, they are indeed going to “carve us up” – into administrative blocs for the purposes of handing out their filthy subsidies to our once proud citizens. Depending on where in the UK you live, you will be in the TransManche, Alantic or North Sea region. And may God have mercy on your soul.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Loving The New McDonald’s Uniform

HAS anyone notified Ann Summers, purveyors of marital aides, inflatable training sheep and other novelties, that McDonald’s has a new uniform out?

The Mirror has a picture of the outfits and their designer Bruce Oldfield.

The paper says that Oldfield has “dressed Princess Diana, Catherine Zeta Jones and Jerry Hall”, and who cannot imagine any of those stars decked out in smart McDonald’s grey and beige?

Indeed, with the right latex model, wig and Little Mac Outfit, meat sandwich enthusiasts can create your own McDonald’s tableau, with Diana on chips, Hall on apple pies and Zeta Jones on pickles…

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (2)

To Little Chef With St George And Holocaust Martyrs Remembrance Day

“WE’RE ENGLISH & PROUD OF IT!” cries the Star.

“Raise a glass and give a mighty lung-busting roar for England and St George!”

Yes, that’s right, it’s St George’s day once again. The day when all kinds of fun-loving English men and women dress up, get drunk, and complain how they aren’t allowed to celebrate their nationality.

So how is “BRITAIN’S MOST SUCCESSFUL NEWSPAPER” celebrating? Rather confusingly, as it happens. To quote its own words: “Today the Daily Star asks just what the hell is wrong with being English, exactly?”

Placed around this article are pictures of: “race ace Robbie Kerr” holding a flag; David James holding a flag; two Asian-looking girls (with St George’s flags painted on their faces) welcoming Prince Charles to Birmingham; a young blonde lady in a bikini decorated with St George’s flags; a blonde lady wearing an England shirt and eating a pie in a patriotic pub; “London’s David Ward” (not Crewe’s nor Stockport’s) waving a flag on top of a van; and toddler Jodie Brakett, who is pictured buried up to her chest and wearing a St George’s hat to ward off evil spirits, foreign invaders and paedophiles.

We are confused. Is this the Star’s idea of “what the hell is wrong with being English, exactly?”.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

That Chanelle Hayes And Danny DeVito Sex Tape In Full

WHAT odds on there being a Chanelle Hayes sex tape? And what odds it being released/ found/ stolen by builders in the run up to Big Brother?

The odds would be slimmer than Victoria Beckham in a rake factory.

So here is the Chanelle Hayes sex tape, as broadcast by the Daily Star. Or not.

The video has sent the internet into “meltdown”. We shall have to make do with a few stills form it that the Star managed to grab.

And we see Chanelle having it off with – shock of shocks – Danny De Vito.

The Star, somewhat cruelly, says the other party is a puppet being used to promote a new telly show called Fur TV.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Brave George Galloway Felled By Weapon Of Miss Destruction

WHO threw the stress ball that might have struck George Galloway? Why, it’s Tim Heald, of Penge, south-east London.

No word from him, and readers are left to wonder if the ball was thrown in anger or support? Was the intention to knock Galloway out. He would come to as a changed man unable to recall being offered Quality Street by Saddam Hussein, focusing instead on the Conservative Party, who he endorses “a million percent”, global warming and shaving?

Here’s Galloway, armed with a loud hailer, chinstrap beard and sunglasses. Galloway is on the campaign trail for the London Assembly elections.

Heald takes aim. He shoots. Witnesses see the ball. They see Galloway duck to avoid it. In doing to, Galloway bangs his head on the side of the bus. Is this a self-inflicted injury, something embarrassing and best shrugged off with a cheery laugh and a wince? Is this the moment the new Galloway is made?

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Shannon Matthews: The Missing Thousands And Karen Matthews’ TV Vigil

SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

DAILY STAR (front page): “SHANNON’S £10K AID VANISHES”Police “want to know what happened to up to £10,000 said to have been donated by the public to help find the nine-year-old. Neighbours desperate to help stuffed cash through the letterbox of the council house Shannon shared with mum Karen Matthews, 32, and stepdad Craig Meehan, 22.

“A family pal said “through the door” donations totalled £6,000. Up to £3,000 also flooded into the Shannon Matthews Fund.

£6,000 plus £3,000 equals…

Roger O’Doherty, neighbourhood manager of local community group Dewsbury West Pathfinder, says the family had not received “as much as a ha’penny’’ from the official fund he had set up. Says he: “I can’t say precisely how much is in the fund but I think it is around £2,000. We were in the process of applying for charitable status which would have meant it would have been administered by trustees. I wasn’t one of them.

£6,000 plus £2,000 equals…

“As far as I am concerned now all the money will go towards helping the children and families living nearby, which was one of the original aims.”

THE SUN: “Inmates terrify Shannon mum”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (20)

Man’s Shame At Criminal Record For Leaving Bin Ajar

“HOW did you get your criminal record, dad?” asks the little wide-eyed lad with the dilated pupils.

Most dads will regale their boy with the tale of smashing up the precinct, urinating through a letter box or robbing a bank for its pens, or any other valuables left in it.

Nothing so easy for honest Gareth Corkhill, of Whitehaven, Cumbria. In “GIVEN A CRIMINAL RECORD FOR THIS”, the Mail’s front page tells of how Mr Corkhill was given a criminal record for overfilling his rubbish bin.

Such shame on his young family. He is a dad to four.

The bin lid is four-inches ajar, says the paper. And that will not do. Mr Corkhill is visited by the enforcement officers, pair of. He is cautioned. He is ordered to pay a £110 on-the-spot fine. He refuses. To court the case does go.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)

Madonna On Tom Cruise, The Frog King

SAYS Madonna of Tom Cruise:

“I don’t care if people worship turtles or frogs – if they’re good people.”

Frogs are people too. It needed saying. Go on:

“I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think orphans in Malawi get a raw deal, just as I think a lot of marginalised people get a raw deal.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (16)

Lembit Opik And Cheeky Girl’s Fountain Of Love

IF the Asda job is going , then surely the supermarket’s marketing wonks should look beyond Carla Bruni’s backside and go for a patted arse we British can call our own, chiefly that of Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia.

And she is one of us, or very soon will be, as the Mail reports that Cheeky A is to marry Lembit Opik MP.

News is that the LibDem MP (Opik) proposed to his Cheeky Girl beside Rome’s Trevi Fountain.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)

John Prescott: Second Helpings: What The Columnists Say

THE Story so far: John Prescott has written an autobiographical menu (surely book) and revels that he is a victim of an eating disorder.

In “My name is John Prescott and I do condensed milk,” Prescott says that stress of work caused him to “stuff my face with chips, crisps, trifle, chocs.” What with the biscuits and the secretary it’s a wonder he found room on his desk for any work.

Had that egg famously tossed at him been made of chocolate, Prezza would have opened his mouth and swallowed it whole. He’d then have sued the egg thrower for abusing his eating condition and causing him distress.

Now Prescott has had his say, the columnists are having theirs. Before we read of Prescott: My Addiction To Jags and Prezza: My Red Leather Trauma know:

FERGUS SHANAHAN (The Sun): “PREZZA STILL MAKES ME SICK”

“In a confession designed to flog his memoirs, the lardy old fraud says stress made him develop bulimia. He would stuff himself then nip down to the gents and stick his fingers down his throat. It must have been tricky when his trotters were up his mistress’s skirt.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (12)

The Sultanas Of Carla Bruni: Coleen McLoughlin Axed As Face Of Asda

NEWS now that Carla Bruni is set to replace Coleen McLoughlin as the face of Asda supermarkets.

Readers versed in the Asda advertising oeuvre realise that Asda has less a face than an arse (no offence, Coleen), which is patted on the pocket to show how an hour a day running up the aisles looking for anything you’d want to eat keeps mums on a budget in shape.

The new arse of Asada is aid to be Carla Bruni, currently appearing as French president Nicola Sarkozy’s wife.

Being so much taller than her husband, these new ads could feature Bruni looking over the frozen curry croissants while Nicolas reaches up and with the aid of a baguette manages to tap her playfully on the backside.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Beckhams’ Joint Party Invite To Lakers Girl

WASN’T Victoria Beckham’s 34th birthday party a hoot?

The Spice Girls, Sir Elton John, “Scientology fan” Tom Cruise and Diddyman-done-good P Diddy were all in force to sing Happy Birthday in a show-tune-rap-style to Her Poshness, says the Star.

The Sun sees more names: Eva Longoria, Kate Becksindale, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes and David Beckham, who the Mirror says was also celebrating his birthday party.

A joint party is always a good idea, preventing either of the Beckhams from claiming more showbiz pals than the other.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Nereida Gallardo Takes Ronaldo’s Hospital Corners

PICTURES of Nereida Gallardo, Wag to footballer Cristiano Ronaldo, make us wonder what comes first: the girlfriend or the implants?

The Star has a “picture exclusive” of Gallardo on the beach.

The Sun’s front page features Gallardo and the statement: “RONALDO’S GIRLFRIEND IS GREAT UP FRONT TOO.”

“She’s a part-time nurse who drives a Ford Ka and lives with her parents. So what does Ronaldo see in her?” asks the paper. That she is topless, head thrown back in the surf and posing for the camera suggests Ronaldo is not in for the hospital corners and easy parking.

And then there are the breasts. Which ever way Gallardo lays the breasts point to better times ahead. She has the feel good factor.

Manchester United fans would not have seen anything so hard, shiny and covered in skin since Bobby Charlton was in his pomp.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Heather Mills In ‘Lesbian Romp’

GIVEN the meanness of the divorce settlement, it would only ever be a matter of time before we read something like: “MUCCA’S ‘£10K lesbian romp’.”

It has been claimed that Lady Heather Mills, described as “horny”, on the Star’s front page, “was paid £10,000 for acting out girl-on-girl fantasy sex.”

The source of this shocker is Denise Hewitt, described as “kinky” and an “ex-call girl”. Says she: “Girls in Newcastle do it for free. But we’d get £10,000 for our girlie-girlie scenes.”

Those rich clients, Saudi Princes and non doms whom Denise claims hired she and Lady Heather to pose in a lesbian tableau should know that a flight from London to Newcastle is less than £10,000, and should leave enough chance for a packet of chips, a pint of curry sauce and the all important flight out of Newcastle.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Prince William Gets A Chopper Job With Kate

PRINCE William is landing a helicopter in girlfriend Kate Middleton’s garden.

He was only supposed to hover at 15ft and so dry the Middletons’ washing, and there is understandable “outrage” that he should have found cause to land.

The Express finds an “aviation analyst” to say: “This is an absolute waste of training hours on the Chinook helicopter that the military are hard-press to afford.”

The Sun puts the cost of the landing at £30,000, and Anorak suggests that next time Wills picks up Kate he lowers a knotted rope so cutting down on the expense.

Says one voice in the Sun: “If the Middletons had been tooled up with AK47s to resist the landing, it might have had training value.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Britain’s Got Talent: Dwarf Sinatra Impersonator Charlie Green

ALL hail Charlie Green, vying with Pie Jesu singer-du-jour Andrew Johnston to be the winner of TV’s Britain’s Got Talent.

Here’s Charlie singing Summer Wind, billed in the Mail as a “Sinatra classic”.

That’s right, it’s the classic Fiona Sinatra tune that you can’t quite recall. The melody goes like this: ta-ra-ra-ra-ta-tum-tum-ta. The lyrics go like this:

The summer wind, came blowin in – from across the sea
It lingered there, so warm and fair – to walk with me
All summer long, we sang a song – and strolled on golden sand
Two sweethearts, and the summer wind

What odds that Charlie is not really aged 10 but Little Frank, a dwarf Frank Sinatra impersonator who has struggled to get work ever since bigger Frank faced his final curtain?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)