The Next! Big Brother

BIG Brother is almost upon us, and with the Star’s summer news agenda.

“BIG BRO BATTLE OF THE ASBOS,” screams the paper’s foremost headline. “Sex and violence as 16 chavs go in.”

Can it be that Big Brother is now a holding baby for chavs, CCTV in colour?

Says one insider: “With so many people waiting to burst through those doors at Elstree TV Studios, it’ll be like the January sales at Next!”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Hating Bruce Forsythe And Sharing Harry Hill’s Joke

FRESH back from the BAFTAS, TV’s AGM and awards do, we learn that Bruce Forsythe has won a “Fellowship Award”.

“TV veteran Brucie steals gong show,” says the Mirror, with unnecessary cruelty. If the BAFTA members want to give Bruce a long-service medal, then so be it. We would say that he not steal it so much as earned it, although Des O’Connor may disagree.

“It’s impossible not to like Bruce Forsythe,” says the Mirror’s TV watcher Jim Shelley. Impossible? Nothing of it. The trick is to picture Bruce throttling your pet dog, repeatedly running over a dear family member or marrying Anthea Turner. You can learn to hate him.

“If you like TV, you’ve got to like Bruce Forsythe,” says Shelley.

Or like Harry Hill’s TV Burp, the show in which Hill takes the rise out of TV programmes and TV stars and gets a laugh.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)

The Pete Doherty Museum Opens

WELCOME to the Peter Doherty museum.

The Mirror says the nine-bedroom maisonette Doherty calls home boasts human blood and scribble on the walls, the stench of nine cats (a bedroom for each?) and no curtains.

The Mirror says this is all too terrible. It’s a “bloody Shambles”.

Now the paper says Doherty has been kicked out of his home, which is not as bad as it sounds since he is currently staying at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

And it’s not too bad for the home’s owner, who can now open the doors – or kick them off the hinges – at the Doherty Museum.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Two Shakes John Prescott And Fertility

“HOPE FOR WOMEN WHO FACE INFERTILITY,” says the Mail’s front-page headline… alongside an image of John ‘Two Shakes’ Prescott…

Read: John Prescott: Tracey Temple: I Was Prezza’s KitKat

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Liz Hurley: My Bikini Hell

SAYS Liz Hurley: “Shooting bikinis is now my life, which as you can imagine is unmitigated hell.”

And not to pleasant for those poor defenceless bikinis who have never harmed a fly.

Says Liz: “But if you signed on for the gig, sadly you have to go and be jolly in a skimpy white bikini. So now I rely on nice photographers and a certain amount of retouching.

“I don’t mind if you want to make me look a bit thinner and a bit younger.”

With so much young talent out there, why don’t photographers find someone younger and better looking than Hurley and put them in a bikini? But can real flesh and bone ever replace computer wizardry? Discuss.

Liz has words to the wise: “We all like to get rid of spots and shadows under our eyes. But I’ve always been quite particular – I don’t like my face to be retouched.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Derren Brown Is A Bent-alist

DERREN Brown, the “telly trickster,” is gay.

Says the Sun: “Derren: Yes, I’m a mind bender.”

The paper says Derren “today shatters the illusion he created for millions of viewers – with the admission he is gay.”

We like our TV mentalists to be straight and the fear is that now Derren has come out his tricks will no longer work.

What real man would want to be “put under” by Derren? What woman would not wonder what Derren means when he asks her to “think of an animal?” And what child dares look?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Keep Taking The Pennies: Northern Rock And Tax

NORTHERN Rock falls off a cliff taking a minimum £50 billion of public money with it. The 10p Tax Band to cushion poverty trap victims is abolished and 70 plus Labour MPs finally realise their jobs are up the creek unless they get off their well-fed rumps and do something?

The Royal Bank of Scotland is about to proffer the begging bowl to help pay for its unforced errors? Probably the first of many to do so…

So let’s get this right. Five and half million of the poorest and most disadvantaged people in Britain are being shafted by a Labour Chancellor in a reprise of the worst excesses of the robber Barons, meanwhile, failed and desperately seeking money, banks are still paying vast and obscene bonuses to the executives who have got it catastrophically wrong.

It MUST be me. I must be reading it all wrong. I think I’ll have a little lie down and maybe a mug of Ovaltine..with an Oxo cube chaser…maybe mum will put down the gin bottle long enough to read us all a Children’s’ Hour story. One about Muffin the Mule. That would be nice – AGW

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Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (14)

John Prescott: Tracey Temple: I Was Prezza’s KitKat

WHO knew that John Prescott was a thin girl trapped inside the body of a burly man?

News of John Prescott’ bulimia, brought to you by the John Prescott diaries, occupies the Mail, which has extracts from Prezza: My Story: Pulling No Punches.

As the Daily Sport puts it, this is the story of “SPEW JAGS!” the former Deputy Prime Minister.

Yes, we realise bulimia is no joking matter, and that it is not an eating disorder exclusive to females, it affecting one in ten males (Daily Mail fact.).

But when we hear that Prescott is about to speak in “his own words” it’s hard not to snort. We may even be one of the Mail’s cynics who “would say that his impressive girth makes him an unlikely candidate to be the victim of an eating disorder”.

We may ever wonder what overeating is if it’s not an eating disorder? We may even say that though it takes “vast quantities of condensed milk, digestive biscuits, Marks & Spencer trifles and junk food” to make Prescott sick, we only need a mental image of Prezza pulling down Tracey Temple’s leather trousers with his teeth as shards of sprayed biscuit get caught in the zipper.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

The War On Food: Police Raid Dinner Lady’s House

IN “Sorry wrong house,” the Mail looks on as masked police officers smash their way into a terraced home in Greater Manchester.

“Sorry love, wrong house,” says the lead officer as the coppers are confronted by school dinner lady Kathleen Oldham sitting in her dressing grown supping a cup of tea.

The police say they are after drugs dealers believed to be operating in a nearby address.

But are they? Note once more that Mrs Oldham makes school dinners for the young. And then see the police board up her windows, so removing her from society, and present her with a bouquet of flowers, ostensibly by way of an apology.

But look again at the flowers. See the bug. Hear it fizz and buzz like a police radio.

Feel the tension as Mrs Oldham goes to her freezer. Will she go for the fresh frozen pas and keep her doors on their hinges, or will she retrieve the chicken nuggets and hear the shout “Go! Go! Go!”

The war on school dinners is upon us. The gloves are off…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Video Of Shopkeeper Foiling Crossbow Raider

TO the Northern Echo where shopkeeper Mohammed Razaq, of the Kinza store, in Station Road, Norton, near Stockton, has just loaded a DVD for his five children. a man with a crossbow enters.

Says Mr Razaq: “I was in shock and I said to him what are you trying to do?’.

“He pointed the crossbow at me and said I am going to shoot you – get the money out of the till and put it in the bag’. I stayed back in an area where there is a staircase. He just shot the bow, possibly at me. I just heard a big bang.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)

Britain Inhales The Smell Of France

YOU wait. That’s what you do. One day the bell rings. The Mail writer presses the button and tells the world: “Le Stink: England engulfed by terrible smell as freak weather blows in French stench.”

Says the Mail: “A foul smell enveloped London and the south east today but it has been blamed on a cloud of pungent fumes wafting over from France.”

That’s right. That stink is not from we clean British, nor even immigrants and their horses, rather a product of Frenchmen, they who put the fume and perfume.

Experts are warning that we must not panic.

Says the Mail: “Even Her Majesty was not immune as the smell lingered over her castle in Windsor and its many foreign visitors.”

Of course, Her Majesty may be used to it, what with her uncle the Duke and his Duchess of Windsor living in exile in France for some years. And what memories the odour evoked, we can only imagine.

Says a spokesman at Windsor’s tourist office: “When I left home this morning the smell was virtually unbearable but we haven’t had any complaints from anyone so far. I think the Queen is in. I hope she has her windows closed.”

A spokesman for Hart District Council, in Fleet, Hampshire, tells us: “One woman’s little girl asked: ‘Mummy, what’s that smell of cows?'”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13)

Have A Banana With Tony Curtis And Al Fayed

SAYS Tony Curtis in the Express: “Sure I’ve tried botox. In Hollywood everyone has.”

The Mail watches as Curtis poses with Mohammed Al Fayed at the Egyptian’s corner shop.

The report features the following exchange: “Curtis and Mr Al Fayed shook hands and the Harrods owner patted his friend’s bald head before giving him a banana.”

Says Curtis: “He’s always given me a banana.”

Your suggestions as to why, please…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comments (16)

Rebecca Loos Dishes Dirt On Beckham And Pigs

“BECKS ‘LOVER TO TELL ALL.”

The Star reports that Rebecca Loos is to lift the lid on her “sexploits” in a new TV show.

In what TV watchers are calling Country File meets Channel X celebrity pig tosser Rebecca Loos will tell us all about her love life.

Along with the livestock insights, Loos may find time to mention David Beckham, with whom she alleges an affair.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Naomi Campbell’s How To Airport Guide

NAOMI Campbell is on a buggy making her way to the immigration hall at Heathrow Airport.

It is a journey of 100 yards. The average catwalk is but 49 yards in length – 98 yards there and back. Ms Campbell is taking no chances.

Her bags are already on the carousel.

Says a source: “Nothing was left to chance. Staff did not want a repeat performance.”

Indeed, not.

And Anorak encourages travellers to do as their spokesperson Campbell does and have a hissy fit when confronted with any hint of delay or disrespect in airport workers.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Hard Knocks Of Tory Political Canvassing

A KNOCK at the door of former Tory Minister Rod Richards’ Cardiff home.

Four canvassers working for the Conservative Party are stood on the doorstep.

What ensues is a matter to be established, and of conjecture. Mr Richards is arrested and spends the night in the cells.

Says Mr Richards to a “pal” in the Sun: “One pushed me to the ground and hurt one of my fingers. I think I’ve broken it. I then got up and punched the canvasser.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)

28 Questions For Cheslea’s Avram Grant

AVRAM Grant, manager of Chelsea football club, 1-0 winners over Everton, is in conversation with the Daily Mail.

But however hard he tries to speak, the Mail’s Ian Ladyman refuses to take his answers for an answer.

In “It’s grumpy Grant as he turns into moodiest of Blues IAN LADYMAN was one of the reporters left stunned by Avram Grant’s bizarre 5min 39sec press conference.”

Q: A deserved win Avram?
Grant: ‘Yes.’

Q: What particularly pleased you about the performance?
Grant: ‘I’m pleased.’

Q: What in particular pleased you?
Grant: (after an eight second delay): ‘I don’t know.’

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

60 Is The New 40 In Portsmouth, A City Divided By Fat

THEY’VE never had it so good in Portsmouth, where one quarter of the locals are seriously overweight.

Londoners forced to subsist on skinny coffees and lo-cal yoghurt can look on with unbridled envy.

But news is that the Pompey Pokers are not overweight enough.

Should they require an operation to stop them from eating too much – thus sparing some food for the town’s other three-quarters who want to bulk up – the Pompey Pokers need to boast a body mass index of 60.

Government guidelines are to operate when the porker achieves a BMI of 40, but so fat are they in Pompey that 60 is the new 40.

Says Dr Sally Nelson, medical advisor for NHS South Central: “We are seeing a level of demand beyond what we estimated. Our surgeons simply do not have the capacity to operate on every morbidly obsese person.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Trisha Goddard: My Cancer Drug Teen Asbo Hell

TRISHA Godard, presenter of bear-baiting TV show Trisha, has cancer.

Or, rather, she had cancer, and is now speaking to the Mirror about her surgery and recovery.

It’s a story worthy of a front-page exclusive.

It’s the Sun’s “TRISHA REVEALS HOW HUSBAND HELPS HER BATTLE CANCER” and the Mail’s “I can win this cancer fight, says Trisha”…

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Al-Muhajiroun’s Trevor Brooks Jailed For Inciting Terrorism

TREVOR Brooks has been convicted of inciting terrorism.

Anorak readers may know him as Abu Izzadeen. With hook-handed Abu Hamza in jail and “mad mullah” Omar Bakri in Lebanon, Izzadeen made his play to be the country’s recognisable face of Muslim extremism.

Brooks showed some promise when he heckled a speech given by then Home Secretary John Reid, criticising the politico for entering an “Islamic” area of London.

Blessed with equal parts lunacy – he called the 7/7 bomber “completely praiseworthy” – and bloodlust – “He who joins the British Army… he is a mortal Kaffir. His only hokum is for his head to be removed” – Izzadeen’s career as Nutter Number One was shaping up well.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Pete Doherty Black Pudding For Sale

HERE’S your chance to buy a genuine Pete Doherty original.

Among the organic roll mop herrings, bona fide “Rollock” watches and drugs on sale in North London pubs, drinkers are being offered a chance to buy Doherty trinkets and art works.

What these goods are, the Sun does not detail.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Brass Neck: Timothy Laurence’s Stable Digs

AFTER yesterday’s expose on squalid living conditions at the Brize Norton military base, the sun presses its pug nose to the gates of Gatcombe Park.

And who lives there? Why, none other than Vice Admiral Timothy Laurence, husband to Princess Anne, son-in-law to Her Majesty the Queen and chief executive of Defence Estates.

The point seems to be that while “Our Boys” live in rat-infested slums, the boss resides in splendour.

It is a point well made. But who is to say that Laurence does not earn his money and deserve his ermine toilet paper and luxurious Matey bubble baths?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Shannon Matthews: Michael Donovan’s Tracksuit And John Guant Passes Judgement

SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

THE SUN: “Cops quiz Shannon suspects for 7 hours”

Mike Donovan, the man accused of abducting and imprisoning Shannon Matthews was questioned by police for seven hours.

Any other facts?

Donovan, Meehan’s uncle, was taken to Huddersfield police station, West Yorks, from Doncaster jail. He was smuggled in and out under a blue coat, but could be seen wearing purple tracksuit bottoms and blue and white trainers.

What of Karen Matthews? Any more facts?

Matthews — a mother of seven by five fathers — is charged with perverting justice by concealing her whereabouts, and child neglect.

JON GAUNT: “KAREN’S IN A CLASS OF HER OWN”

“Karen Matthews isn’t and doesn’t represent the white working class.”

Phew! She’s no Lily Allen.

“The clue is the title ‘working’ she and her ilk have no intention of ever working – they just want to leech off the sweat of the rest of us.”

Can’t think of anyone who wants to drink Gaunty’s sweat as he burns calories over a keyboard? That question to humans and leeches. And didn’t Craig Meehan work as a fishmonger in a supermarket?

Undaunted by fact, Gaunt goes on:

“She may be shameless but the rest of us aren’t blameless, as we have allowed the Guardianistas to create new Britain where we are no longer allowed to be judgemental.”

But Gaunt is all about being judgmental. He is allowed to be judgemental, and in the national press of all places. But undaunted by contradicting himself, Gaunt goes on:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (17)

Ian Wright Shows BBC Red Card

FANS for the BBC’s televised football coverage will be familiar with the work of Mr Ian Wright.

Wright’s job is to be the fan in the studio; his job to channel the thoughts of the England-shirted masses gathered before the jumbo screen in a town like Luton of Kettering and relay it to the folks back home.

If Wright were to being out a signature scent it would be of kebab, onions and thrown lager.

But no more. Wright has walked off. Says he: “I was always the court jester adding a bit of fun to proceedings. After Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen had done their bit, what’s left to analyse?”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

The Biggest Goldfish And Smallest Minke Whale In The World

ADA Shaw has a goldfish. Her goldfish is called Goldie. Her goldfish is 15.7in long.

The Mirror says the pet “weighs more than two pounds and is five inches tall (surely long? – Ed). Experts say he will one day overtake the world’s longest goldfish, an 18.7in whopper in Holland.”

Mrs Shaw, a retired civil servant, said: “I don’t overfeed him but I am very particular about how I care for Goldie. He gets fed fish flakes like clockwork twice a day in the morning and evening and I always talk to him and keep him occupied.

“I leave the light on at night so he is not in the dark and if the sun is glaring on him, I will draw the curtains so he doesn’t get too much sun.”

The Mail wants to know if Goldie is the largest goldfish in the world, or the smallest minke whale?

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Daily Mirror Politically Neutral Comment Of The Day: Livingstone And Tories

THE contest to be Mayor of London is about so much more than picking a miserabilist or a clown. It’s:

The bitter battle to be London Mayor is not only a matter for the capital.

It could determine the course of politics across Britain for the next two years.

A win for Labour’s Ken Livingstone will be a devastating blow for Tory leader David Cameron.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)