Naomi Campbell’s BA Ruckus: Spokesperson For Terminal Five Passengers

NAOMI Campbell is the celebrity face of old bags.

She is in conversation with a Brazilian organ – since being banned for life for flying with British Airways over an incident at Heathrow Terminal Five, Campbell has flown by a Brazilian carrier, says the Star.

Says Campbell of BA: “Someone from BA called me and asked that I return to fly with them but this will not occur so early.”

BA deny making any such call. And offer no comment on why it is Campbell has taken to speaking in the manner of Benito Mussolini.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Prisoner’s Paint Their Own Last Supper

IT’S the “LAG’S LAST SUPPER,” says the Sun of an 18ft by 6ft wall mural painted by inmates of Sudbury jail, Derby.

The reproduction of the “Cell-ebrated … Da Vinci masterpiece” features “the portraits of inmates including a murderer and an arsonist”.

The Sun hears from the “disgusted ex-con” who brought his “blasphemy” to light. Says he: “It is a sick joke and appears to glorify criminals.”

Says prison governor Chris Davidson said: “This painting has been in place for 18 months and was officially unveiled by the Bishop of Derby at a dedication ceremony. It features likenesses of members of the chaplaincy team, and some of the regular chapel attendees.”

Indeed, it’s not as if Jesus’ friends, the original 12 Apostles, were all whiter than white, counting among their number Matthew (tax collector), Judas Iscariot (nark) and Peter (denied knowing Jesus while under Oath)…

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Black Mondays: Credit Crunch Hits Big Brother Winner

BY now you are wondering what happened to Bez, the gibbering, vibrating dancer from the Happy Mondays band who won Celebrity Big Brother.

News in the Mirror is that he’s bankrupt.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Immigrants Attract Criminals

“IMMIGRANTS BRING MORE CRIME,” says the Express on its front page.

And not only more crime, but a “huge surge” in crime. Hard, indeed, not to feel sorry for those East Europeans who arrive on horseback and li-lo only to have their horses, blankets and air pumps stolen on arrival.

And the crime is not random.

As the Express says: “‘Migration from EU has brought a huge surge in organised crime.” Words taken from a report by the Society of Chief Police Officers.

Says Leo McKinstry: “It’s ludicrous to deny that there is link between crime and immigration.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Polar Bear Watch: Making A Meal Of Wilbaer

POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news

Another day and with it another German bear. Today the Mirror focuses on Wilbear, a four-month old polar bear club wowing the crowds at Stuttgart.

Knut Flocke and Wilbaer are all part of Germany’s reaction to global warming. In 2018, Germany will be as cold as the North Pole, and in readiness the country is already stocking up on polar bears.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Snot Rap: Kingsley Cardi Comes Clean On David Cameron’s Suit

KINGSLEY Cardi is 15. David Cameron is in Hastings. So too is Cardi. Cameron is in touching distance.

The Mirror (“IT’S NOT BIG AND IT’S SNOT CLEVER”) sees Cardi wiping snot on the Tory leader’s back.

But did he do it?

The Mail says Cardi sneezed into his hand and wiped it deliberately in an up and down motion on Cameron’s suit jacket.

Cardi is issued with a caution for anti-social behaviour. The caution reads: “Anti-social behaviour towards David Cameron, namely sneezing in your hand and wiping snot down the back of his jacket.”

Says Cardi: “I sneezed in my hand and wiped it on him. It was just a joke.”

But was it a real sneeze?

At such times of uncertainty we turn to the BBC, which says: “A boy was cautioned by police after pretending to sneeze and then wiping his hand on David Cameron’s jacket as the Conservative leader visited Sussex”.

The sneeze was not real. Of course Cameron has been here before, chiefly when 17-year-old Ryan Florence fired a gun at him. On closer inspection, the firearm turned out to be imaginary, a thing made up only of Ryan’s fingers and a cocked thumb.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment

Nicola McLean Is Bigger Than Jordan’s Jordans

NICOLA will be “bigger than Jordan”.

That’s the Star’s front-page shocker as readers take in Fourth Division Wag Nicola McLean.

Nicola looks big enough already. Indeed, with her image posted on one side of the Anorak Towers’ indoor rifle range Nicola’s Jordans prove impossible target to miss.

But Nicola is ambitious to want more. Says she: “I want to go to Vegas and do topless shots on a roulette table. I’m really excited about it and hope everyone else is too.”

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews’ Hair, Donovan’s Lair And Indira Swann

SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “SHANNON’S HIDEAWAY”

A look at the room at Michael Donovan’s flat where Shannon Matthews lived in secret for 24 days.

Pages 4 and 5: “The dirty flat that was Shannon’s home for 24 days”

Look at the “THREADBARE CARPETS, DIRTY WALLS, TARRY FURNITURE…” It’s a “scruffy bedroom containing cheap wooden furniture.”

Amazing! This must the be the only flat not to boast a feature wall and a wet room.

Anything else?

An electronic keyboard and, bizarrely, a glue gun lie on top of a metal framed double bunk. Underneath there is a CD by Busted, one of Shannon’s favourite bands, and a leaflet giving details of a range of Sold Out action PC games.

Near a smoke alarm case there is a copy of Arrive Alive, a colourful highway code book for youngsters. The booklet gives children tips about planning their journeys. Ironically, it also tells how to make sure they know where they are going and recommends that they always choose the safest route.

“’LIES’ MUM IN COURT” – “Judge Peter Collier told her she will stand trial on November 11 alongside Michael Donovan, 39, who is charged with kidnapping and false imprisonment.”

DAILY STAR (front page): “SHANNON SECRET KIDNAP CELLS REVEALED”

Pages 4 and 5: “SHANNON’S SECRET LAIR”. It’s an “EXCLUSIVE” (see Mirror).

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 17th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Winehouse’s Blaaake Teaches Pete Doherty How To Do Hard Time

PETE Doherty is behind bars. Pete Doherty is in his cell. You can come out now, kids, the world is a safer place.

Blaaaaaake, Amy Winehouse’s husband, says, via the Star, that to survive in jail Doherty, and indeed, any celebrity, should act hard and pretend they used to be a boxer.

This, says Blaaaake, will guarantee you immunity from fisticuffs – until the date of the big fight, when the local gangland legend, impressed by your tales of pugilism, has wagered a considerable sum on your beating Gripper over five rounds in the shower block.

So here’s Pete limbering up on the Sun’s front page by sniffing his fingers. Or, as the paper says, allegedly taking heroin in his cell.

Danni, the Sun’s voice of topless models, professional blondes and justice is outraged. Says she: “It’s a disgrace.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

The Daily Mail’s Vitamin Supplement

“CAN VITAMINS DO YOU HARM,” asks the Mail on its front page.

After reading the piece we conclude: “Do they?”

But the final works must be with the Mail, which brings readers this scoop: “Could vitamin pills shorten your life?”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)

Men United: David Beckham And Tom Cruise Buy Football Club

A PICTURE of Victoria Beckham, aka Her Poshness, outside a florist shop.
“Mrs Becks just too Posh to push,” says the Express on its front page. Too posh to push a – he-he – “Shopping trolley”.

Indeed, gentle readers, no small shock to learn that Posh buys her own flowers and is not met each morning by a carpet of orchid petals with Day-vid stood at the foot of her bed with a bud between his lips and another tucked nearly into his thong.

But sensation upon sensation as David is said to be buying a football club with the not-in-the-least-bit-creepy Tom Cruise.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

A Speeding Ticket For Every Driver And A Free Caravan

THE Daily Express campaign to encourage immigrants to come and live in the UK continues with another offer to win a caravan.

And it that was not enough to turn you on to the wonders of Romany living, then there is the accompanying front-page headline: “MENACE OF NEW SPEED CAMERAS.”

There is “Now no escape for drivers all across Britain.”

Right now a speed camera is being installed in YOUR driveway. Accelerate too fast and Whammo! a fixed penalty notice is on its way to you. In time all cars will come with a handy ticket printer, but let us not run before we can crawl.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Princess Diana Inquest Fact Of The Day

THE Princess Diana inquest cost us £13million, says the Star (12.5m echoes the Express) – or the price of twenty seven dresses, three winter getaways to the Mediterranean, two engagement rings and a new hair-do…

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Death Wish: OJ Simpson To Star In Michael Winner’s Next Film

SAYS Michel Winners on news that his next film will feature OJ Simpson.

Says he: “He’s a very nice man for a double murderer. He came to see me about a year ago and I said to Geraldine [Winner’s lover], ‘Answer the door, dear, and if he comes to the door with a knife throw yourself in front of me.’”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Cher Chanelle Hayes Is Back On Big Brother

IF CHANELLE Hayes has proved on thing it is that Andy Warhol was wrong when he said: “In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.”

Ok, maybe not wrong, just not specific enough. When the future begins was not detailed, but it cannot come soon enough.

Know that, Big Brother alumnus Chanelle has been famous for almost a year.

Star readers can recognise her by her first name alone – a nominal fame that even the singer Cher (born Cherilyn) manufactured – and by the curve of her backside (again something Cher was forced to make up).

Both name and bum feature on the paper’s front page. And there’s a headline promise that Chanelle is “back in the BB house”.

In the house, Chanelle poses in her knickers and bra. Some would say there is little mystery with Chanelle, with it all hanging out. But no. There is much debate at Anorak Towers as to whether Chanelle removes her clothes to reveal her knickers and bra combo or walks about naked pulling on her undies when a camera approaches?

Answers on a chicken fillet to the usual address.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Jordan And Peter’s Simulated Sex Guide

IN Jordan’s and Pete Andre’s Apocrypha, the Next chapter, the couple are simulating “sex acts” in front of their children.

So says the Star which is disgusted enough to place the news on its foremost page.

Inside, and there are three more pictures of Jordan and Peter at it, engaging in rubbing, staring and suggest positioning.

Among the Taliban, say, or Carmelite nuns, this would be a guide to pre-marital sex. But in the UK it is plain sick.

Says child psychologist Dr Ruth Coppard (age 7): “Young children aren’t sexual beings and watching Mum and Dad have sex, even if it is simulated, is not appropriate. It could damage a child.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Watching Paint Dry With Prince Edward And Sophie

CALLING Prince Edward.

Calling Prince Edward.

Last call for Prince Edward.

Where the f*** is Prince Edward?

To the studio of artist Richard Stone, who has spent the past nine years capturing the marriage of Prince Eddie and Sophie in oil, paint and crayon.

“I didn’t ever discuss with Prince Edward show long it was going to take, but I never envisaged it would take me this long ,” says Stone in the Mail.

In that period three of the wedding party have shuffled off the canvas – Sophie’s mother, the Queen Mother and Princess Margaret.

Should Stone take much longer his work will get ever more simple. By the time Stone gets to Eddie, the prince will be resemble no more than a two-minute boiled egg in a check tank top, a rendition of children’s favourite Bod.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Mr McBean, MRSA And Canada Honours Its Dead At Rush Hour

“HARRY HERO GETS MRSA,” says the Sun’s front page, so adding some perspective to the War on Terror and meaning to Royal Marine Ben McBean.

Mr McBean is Prince Harry’s hero because Harry says he is a hero. McBean lost an arm and a leg in Afghanistan when a Taliban mine exploded.

McBean was taken to Selly Oak NHS hospital, where he was given the best treatment and a dose of MRSA, as is alleged.

To the Sun this is “SICKENING”. The NHS denies Mr McBean contracted MRSA in their care, and deep in the article the paper notes that he is in possession of ‘colonised’ MRSA and his wounds are not infected.

But who needs facts when the story fits in neatly with the Sun’s Help For Heroes campaign to salute our servicemen.

We need to honour and reward our armed forces. But do we do enough?

The pictures are of Canada saluting its War On Terror dead on a typically busy Canadian road and of Britain saluting its fallen in a traffic jam.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

James Blunt Is Set Upon My Music Lovers

NEWS in the Sun that James Blunt has broken a finger.

The paper sees Blunt “launching himself from the stage into a sea of rampaging fans” at a concert in Ashville, North Carolina.

Anorak sees it all. Blunt prepares to stage dive. The mob forms. Hands are raised invitingly. Ready to surf on a wave of love, Blunt jumps.

And at once the crowd parts. Ex-Army man Blunt is left to freefall to the ground, sans parachute.

Says he: “I don’t know what made me do it. I jumped off stage at the end and was chased by women, and men, in the crowd.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Pie Jeus, There Are Eleven Andrew Johnstons

MORE news on Andrew Johnston, the UK’s latest Pie Jesu singing sensation.

In the Mirror, readers get to hear from Andrew Johnston Senior, who says that he’s not been the best dad, hasn’t seen his boy since December, but hopes to help his namesake realise his dream of winning TV’s Britain’s Got Talent, marrying a Welsh rugby player, having a baby and dying his skin orange.

Ooops! Sorry. That’s Pie Jesu singer Charlotte Church’s career to date.
Young Andrew is his own man. Indeed. Andrew is eleven young men having been named Andrew Aaron Lewis Patrick Brannock John Grieve Michael Robert Oscar Schmidt Johnston.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)

Lily Allen Quote Of The Day: Knowing Me Knowing Me

LILY Allen Quote Of The Day: Chatting to me.

Says Lily Allen in the Mirror: “I am actually number one female chat show host. Davina didn’t get commissioned for a second series. But I did. Lily Allen did.”

Good news. And now that Allen’s talking about herself in third person, she will never run out of guests for her challenging show…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Lady Heather Mills Boos And Boobs At Beauty Pageant

LADY Heather Mills has been in Las Vegas to judge Miss USA, the beauty pageant she won as Miss Idaho in 1959.

The crowd are making some noise. The crowd are booing.

Says her ladyship: “I really enjoyed myself. It was a great contest. If there was some negative reaction, what can you do?”

The question seems rhetorical as Mills soon adds: “There will always be some people like that”

But the Star is searching for an answer. It looks. It looks harder. And it concludes: “MUCCA’S WONKY BREASTS.”

The Star says Mills has a “wonky and uneven left boob”.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Staring At Indira Swann And The Ecuador Bus Victims

INDIRA Swann is dead. Indira Swann was killed in a bus crash in Ecuador, alongside four friends: Rebecca Logie (“Inspiring”), Emily Sandler (“Bubbly”), “Sarah Howard “(Caring”) and Lizzie Pincock (“Amazing”).

The Mail has the girls’ profiles. The Mirror leads with a picture of Indira (“Poignant”) and the “LAST EMAIL” she sent home to her parents.

Says the message: “Thanks for being so great and giving me the opportunity to do this. But also for giving me such a lovely home that nothing could stop me wanting to come back.”

The Mirror looks at the “heartbroken parents”. It’s emotive stuff. But Mail readers get not one but six pictures of Louise and Gregory Swann wracked with grief.

We are invited to stare at them. Look at their pain. We are gawping at them, responding to an invitation to stare.

We look. But in doing so we learn nothing of the Swanns. Better, perhaps, if the Mail placed a mirror alongside the shots and asked readers to look at it and think about what such voyeurism says about them.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)

Paul Gascoigne Gets Help From Mike Tyson

SAYS Mike Tyson on Paul Gascoigne: “I know what has happened to Gazza and I feel I can help him.”

Tyson is speaking from Las Vegas to the Daily Star.

He goes on: “A lot of top sportsmen have suffered in their private lives, including me. And I want to help him. I still see him as a superstar and I would like to meet him.”

Having roomed with a talking stuffed parrot and Chris Waddle, the next logical partner for Gazza might well be a convicted rapist and ear nibbler.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Mark Speight’s London Landmark, Legalise Drugs And Libby Purves

“THE ROOF WHERE TV MARK KILLED HIMSELF,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.

The Star is excited to have found the “exact spot” where children’s TV presenter Mark Speight committed suicide.

And so it is that another London landmark is unveiled. And who would not want to visit the site, take pictures, perhaps paint a picture as Speight used to on the telly. Bring the kids and make a day out of it.

But the Star is not yet finished with Mr Speight RIP. Having told us that Mark chose to hang himself at Paddington “because it reminded him of romantic weekends away with fiancée Natasha Collins” (Michael Hutchence RIP) the paper talks of drugs.

The Star says that away from the TV studio Speight and Collins, who died scalded after taking vodka and cocaine, “indulged in a Kurt Cobain lifestyle” (Cobain was the Nirvana singer who shot himself.)

It’s a waste of life. Says the Star: “Now, hands up all of those who say we should legalise drugs.”

Well, hands up at Anorak Towers. But not hands up at the Times, where Libby Purves says:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 15th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (16)