Talk Of The Town: A Tabloid Guide To Dewsbury

“IT HAS BECOME the town that dare not speak its name,” announces the Daily Mirror.

“People outside must shudder at the thought of living in or even visiting Dewsbury in West Yorkshire. It has become a byword for everything that is bad about Britain – the Dewsbury bomber, the veil row, the toddler who nearly died after being strung up from a tree, the story of a man crucified… and now the Shannon Matthews saga.”

Strong words. But what of those who live there. Do they shudder too?

Being a good, reliable newspaper, the Mirror has tracked down an (anonymous) Dewsbury resident….

“A barman said yesterday: ‘I’m ashamed to say I’m from Dewsbury. Now, I say I’m from Leeds instead. It’s horrible living here.'”

OK, so he’s not happy. But take another look at that first paragraph. In particular, take a look at the bit that says people “must shudder”. Is that an opinion or an order?

A bit of both, it seems. The Mirror seems to have reached an opinion, and now it’s ordering us to follow its lead.

But what of the incidents from which the paper has constructed its case against Dewsbury?

Yes, Mohammed Sidique Khan was one of the London bombers. But as far as we at Anorak are aware, every other bomber (of whatever persuasion) throughout British history has come from outside Dewsbury.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Princes Wills And Harry Hazza Turn The Boxers Blue And Royal Stag Do

PRINCE Harry wears “royal blue” boxer shorts.

Suitably reassured, we look to the Sun for other views on Pete Phillip’s stag do.

Before we do, Amii shows Sun readers her royal pink knickers and says: “They could have chosen to party in the Caribbean or a West End club, but they plumped for a pub on the Isle of White. Good on them – it proves they are just like the rest of us.”

But are you wearing royal blue boxers? And if you are, should you be?

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Faces Of Evil: Karen Matthews And Amy Winehouse

THE Sun has also decided that Karen Matthews looks a bit rough, and in its normal classy way it has managed to find former partners to dish the dirt.

“Ex-boyfriends yesterday revealed the full horror of Matthews’s lifestyle, which have left her looking worn and wrinkled,” the paper announces. “According to them, the mum-of-seven has knocked back cheap wine by the bottle, gorged on junk food and puffed her way through up to 60 cigarettes a day for years.”

All that knocking back and puffing reminds us of another person whose appearance is widely commented upon by the ladies and gentlemen of the press corps. We speak, of course, of Amy Winehouse.

Here at Anorak, we Comfy-Slax-wearing types rather like Amy, We like her sense of humour. We like her attitude. We like her lovely voice. We like her retro music (“Now THAT’s more like it – it’s got a tune!”) And we don’t like the ungallant way the newspapers pick on her appearance.

However, there could be a connection here between the tired appearance of both Karen and Amy. Not booze, not fags, but housework.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Lonely Planet Author Writes Crib Notes For Backpackers

YOU’VE bought the Lonely Planet books on Brazil, Colombia, Chile, The Caribbean and South America. You can now vow your friends with tales of bad toilets, long bus journeys and crawling plates of food.

Such books are crib notes for the stay-at-home traveller.

And now one Thomas Kohnstamm, Lonely Planet’s writer of the aforesaid tomes, has admitted it. Says he: “They didn’t pay me enough to go to Colombia. I wrote the book in San Francisco.”

He goes on: “I got the information from a chick I was dating – an intern at the Colombian consulate.”

Lonely Planet is upset and is, as the Mail says, reviewing all of Mr Kohnstamm’s work.

How the publisher is checking the facts not said, but there are many other travel books to consult with.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)

Acting Up On The YouTube Estranged Wife’s Club

TRICIA Walsh-Smith is an actress and playwright, it says here.

The Mail hears her say that she appeared in Grange Hill and more than 500 TV commercials, and wrote a play called Bonkers.

She is married to one Philip Smith, a “powerful New York impresario”. Their marriage has broken down. And this is her video:

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Bully For Britain: An Anorak Campaign

SAYS Joe Calzaghe in the Sun: “I was bullied at school.”

Calzaghe is the undefeated middleweight champion of the world.

It might be that bullying was the making of him, just as it has been the making of some many others.

We urge the Government to back Anorak’s Bully For Britain campaign to get more children bullied and so create more British. champions…

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

BBC Thefts Account For BBC3 And Robert Kilroy-Silk

NEWS just in that the BBC has been “hit by £350,000 thefts”.

The Mail’s report is no slight on Anthea Turner’s wages, but a comment on the 73 computers, 39 phones, camera equipment, Famous Five cassettes, a Holby City ladder, food and drink, and a good luck card that were stolen from the BBC last year.

A BBC source says this is no sign of a crimewave and that the figures are small given the number of staff employed by the corporation.

But if it’s not nailed down it can be stolen. And you viewers can play your part in keeping the BBC safe. We urge you to watch BBC3 lest is be stolen in the dead of the night.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Andrew Johnston Eats Pie Jesu

WHEN Charlotte Church sang Pie Jesu on TV’s Big Big Talent Show, a nation wept.

We’d heard it before of course, when former Mrs Andrew Lloyd-Webber Sarah Brightman sang it; when pubescent snowman Aled Jones sang it; when Madonna sang American Pie; when every keen –to-get-along child sang it.

So here’s Andrew Johnston singing it on TV’s Britain’s Got Talent. He’s the “schoolboy who sang away the bullying bullies.” Young 13-year-old Johnston says he has been bullied for singing but will not be stopped.

And Johnston’s sympathetic backstory does end there. The Mail says he lives on a council estate…in the north of England. He lives there with his mother. His father left when he was eight-months old. “On occasion she had to feed her children on bread and milk.”

Sweet Jesus, how can this boy not win? Only a godless, child-hating swine would not vote for him to be Britain’s Most Talented Pie Jesu singer of the year.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (30)

Karen Matthews to Have Her Features Rearranged

AS the police turn a Dewsbury Estate into a gated community, the Star looks at Kate Matthews and her £100,000 makeover.

We are no longer looking at Shannon Matthews, nor are we looking for her; but we are looking at Karen Matthews, “Public Enemy No.1”.

The Star says Shannon Matthews is to “get plastic surgery just like Maxine”. That’s Maxine Carr, the former most hated woman in the UK who was jailed for lying to cover up her lover Ian Huntley’s murder of Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells.

If comparing Karen Matthews of Maxine Carr is not enough, the Star burnishes her status by hearing from John Bretton, father to Karen’s first child. Says he: “She must have spent a fortune on cigarettes over the years. It’s the one thing she does love.”

Who knows, Matthews may even take up the offer of ten Lambert & Butler fags her fellow lags are being offered for “her head”.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Madonna Throws Guy A Biscuit

PSST! Wanna hear about the bedroom goings on between a 49-year-old American woman and her middle-aged husband?

Says Madonna in the Star: “My husband went on the cookie diet and it was such a turn–off.”

Eating cookies, or biscuits as the British call them (“Gis a go on that best Brisket” – Guy Ritchie) can be a passion killer, to wit the crumbs.

But on hearing Madonna’s insight, Anorak think of one Eddo Brandes, the chubby Zimbabwean cricketer who responded to the on-field taunting of Australia’s Glenn McGrath, who asked “Why are you so fat?” by replying: “Because every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”

Anorak

Posted: 14th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Shannon Matthews: Benefit Fraud And Karen Matthews’ Life For Ten Lag’s Fags

SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

THE SUN: “Shannon mum’s claims shame”

Karen Matthews, 32 – accused over the abduction of her nine-year-old daughter – told officials she was looking after four of her seven children on her own.

But at the time that Shannon vanished for 24 days in February, she had been living for four years with her supermarket fishmonger boyfriend Craig Meehan, 22. He has been earning around £16,000 a year.

Meehan had bragged at the time of Shannon’s disappearance: “I earn the money. I put the food on the table.”

DAILY STAR: “PRICE ON HEAD OF SHANNON’S MUM – HANDFUL OF FAGS IS PRISON BOUNTY”
£16,000?

SHANNON Matthews’ mum was banged up on a prison’s isolation wing last night after lags put a bounty on her head – of 10 cigarettes.

The promise of the Lambert & Butler fags was enough to have most of the 442 queueing to attack Karen Matthews.

Which mega-bucks lag offered the reward?

DAILY MIRROR: “People of Shannon Matthews’ Dewsbury defend its reputation”

“It has become the town that dare not speak its name.”

Dewsburg.

People outside must shudder at the thought of living in or even visiting Dewsbury in West Yorkshire.

Dewston.

Cancel the summer holidays to Dewsbury, mother. We’ll have t’make do with Disneyland this year.

A barman said yesterday: “I’m ashamed to say I’m from Dewsbury. Now, I say I’m from Leeds instead.

It really is that bad.

Shannon Matthews: Where is she?

Anorak

Posted: 12th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Reviews, Tabloids | Comments (50)

Woman Denied Daughter’s Kidney Because State Owns Your Body

“SICK MUM IS DENIED DAUGHTER’S KIDNEY.”

Not sick in the pejorative sense but in the way of Rachel Leake being ill.

Before Laura Ashworth, 21, died from an asthma attack she told family and friends she wanted to donate one of her kidneys to her mother.
Mrs Leake had a kidney transplant five years ago, but the donated organ failed last year. Now she needs dialysis in hospital three times a week to stay alive.

As the Telegraph reports, Laura’s oranges gave Rachel a “perfect match”.

But Laura had not begun the “formal process” of becoming a “living donor”. The State disapproves. Her mother could not have organs.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (6)

The Newest Swingers In Devon

WELCOME to Club Vanilla, the Devon village of Horswell’s premier swingers’ club and disco.

The Sun says that “randy couples” pay £45 for “a night of debauchery” where anything – apart from chewing gum – goes.

While the DJ takes requests, Sheila Moorcroft, who lives in the village, tells the paper: “This village is not a fitting place for it. It’s just so sleazy. I live at the next turning and don’t want these people turning round in my drive or knocking at the door asking if this is the right place.”

Why not? Villages can be lonely places, and other than the pub, depression and an extra-martial affair, there can be little to occupy the residents.

Surely Ms Moorcroft can get some enjoyment from swingers arriving at her door?

Anorak once shared a phone number similar to that of a pizza delivery company.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)

JK Rowling Turns To Jordan As Katie Price Sells Pirate Books

HOW does JK Rowling, Harry Potter’s creator, compete with Katie Price, she of the gargantuan Jordans and the children’s book Mermaids and Pirates?

The Express looks on as Katie pulls on a pink fishtail gown and flowing hair extensions to meet the young book buyers in Harrod’s department store.

Says Katie: “I have to be honest and say I haven’t read her Harry Potter books, but she was such a lovely lady, really elegant and glamorous and it was nice to meet her.”

As Jordan sells Pete the Pirate and Katie the Mermaid, Rowling is at the British Book Awards. And she’s doing a passable impression of La Price, as she threatens to tumble from her top.

In “JK and the one that nearly got away,” the Mail looks on as her publicist cups his hand to Rowling’s right Jordan and tucks it back in.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Alex Ferguson’s Son And Wife Do The Ronaldo

“FERGIE’S lad is fined for assaulting his missus,” says the Star.

The headline refers to Darren Ferguson, the Manchester United talent who turned away from a career playing for his dad’s team to spend time with his family. Football’s loss was Nadine’s gain.

But football remains in the blood of the now Peterborough United manager, and the Star reports:

“He argues he had never intended to kick or injure her – but she ran onto his outstretched leg, hit the ground and suffered pains in her stomach”.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Ashley Cole And Cheryl Ring In The Changes

BIG news from the world of football as Chelsea’s vomitous footballer Ashley Cole is caught buying fuel and a bottle of water at a petrol station.

And that’s not all.

The Star looks at the Chelsea player and sees no sign of his wedding ring, and this on top of the news that his wife Cheryl Cole is not wearing her wedding band.

To the Star’s source it’s a sign of a rift.

But anyone versed in celebrity marriages must believe the rings are right now being burnished to a shine more brilliant than Ashley’s wedding suit, that “beige, single-breasted tailcoat suit with cream silk lapels and a cream satin tuxedo strip on the trousers”, as OK! magazine noted.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Amy Winehouse’s Shockney Knees Up

AMY Winehouse’s legs. Discuss.

The Star (“Amy in kneed of a nosh up”) says Winehouse’s knees are nobbly.

The Sun joins the debate. It points to a “strange lump” on her thighs.

The Mirror (“LAMEY WINEHOUSE”) uses a headline to suggest Winehouse is unable to talk.

The paper then identifies the Sun’s strange markings as “leg muscle”.

Of coruse, all papers are wrong. Amy is wearing flesh-toned trousers from Anorak’s range of Comfi-Cords – No.1 for angry young women!

Picture

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Umar Islam And The Comedy Jihadists’ Airline Bomb Plot

A PLOT to blow up jets over the Atlantic Ocean is foiled, and defendant Umar Islam is captured on video.

The Mirror says Islam is one of eight men accused of conspiring to murder thousands by detonating homemade bombs on aircraft flying from London to North America. All deny the charges.

Five of the would-be martyrs made videos explaining their actions, or trying to.

Mr Islam’s tape makes for chilling viewing, a damning indictment on the education system.

In the 19-minute video, Islam, born Brian Young, says how many people will die unless they do what he and his ilk want.

But the message is halting. He looks down and reads from a script.

He raises his hand and jabs a finger with so little menace future home-grown jihadists should consider the idea of sticking Rod Hull’s Emu on the end of their hand, or Lamb Chop.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Tabloid Headline Of The Day: Jasvinder Bains

TABLOID headline of the day: Sikh Jasvinder Bains confronts an armed robber in his convenience shop.

The Mirror looks at the CCTV footage of the incident. The robber lunges with a knife.

Mr Bains, of Suffolk, picks up a bottle of Blossom Hill red wine by the next (£4.99).

He waves the wine at the hooded menace. The would-be robber sniffs the air and runs off.

And the headline is?

a) THE TURBINATOR
b) RED RED CRIME
c) WINE GOES TO ROBBER’S HEAD
d) SIKH AND DESTROY
e) BOTTLE OF BRITAIN

Read on for the answer…

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Eminem’s Audience With Nelson Mandela

SAYS the Sun’s Gordon Smart: “I never thought I’d see the day when EMINEM shared a stage with Nelson Mandela.”

Indeed, though young looking, Smart must have feared that at the current meet-rate of two celebrities an hour, it would take 62 years for the South African to reach the American rapper.

But now Eminem is nearing Mandela, the touching post in any celebrity’s career.

It is thought that so many celebrities have rubbed a hand over Lucky Nelson that up close the anti-apartheid leader resembles a well-polished banister.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Is Abu Qatada A Product Of Food Additives?

“ADDITIVES DO HARM CHILDREN,” says the Mail’s front-page headline.

Anorak looks at the page and sees a picture of Abu Qatada, “Bin Laden’s man in Britain”. He’s in a high-security British jail.

He can’t be deported to his native Jordan in case he gets bullied/ tortured/laughed at.

Sending Abu Qatada back would impact upon his human rights. We are an understanding and tolerant nation. We should be proud.

Indeed, looking at Abu Qatada, who weighs 20 stone, and reading that aforesaid headline on additives, one wonders if he is not the product of a poor childhood diet?

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Peter Jones’ Palm Civet Dinner Party Coffee

“I WAS a little apprehensive before I tried it but I actually really like it,” says Hannah Silver of her Luwak coffee.

“It was very earthy and it tastes rather smooth.”

Ms Silver is drinking a brew of coffee harvested from the droppings of the palm civet, a monkey-like cat that lives in Indonesia.

The Mail says the coffee is on offer at the Peter Jones department store, London.

The Mail also says that the coffee, which retails at £50 for 100 grams, or £15 for each stool, is “the ultimate talking point over after-dinner mints”.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Karen Matthews: Mum’s Gone to Matalan, Off With Her Head And Kids Go Free

SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

THE SUN: “PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1”

No, it’s not Osama bin Laden. It’s Karen Matthews.

Metal plates covered doors and windows at the empty home of Shannon Matthews’s mother last night amid fears of attacks by vigilantes.

Says Richard Verity, 42, a joiner: “If she is found guilty I’d like to rip her head off. We’re all feeling very bitter.”

No, it really isn’t not Osama bin Laden, nor one of his henchman. It’s a joiner from Dewsbury.

And what of Karen Matthews? How did she look?

Matthews, wearing cut-price clothes specially bought for her from a branch of Matalan, was also charged with “wilfully neglecting or abandoning” the child in a manner likely to cause “unnecessary suffering or injury to her health”.

Mum’s Gone To Matalan – (note to copywriters – call me)

“Yes, yes, yes,” comes the cry from the public gallery.

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “STOP THE MOB”

“Police warn against vigilantes as Shannon mum is refused bail”

Fears for Kate Matthews that people who love kids might hurt mum-of-seven.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (17)

McCann, Keeling, Matthews: Keith Waterhouse Plays Tabloid Bingo

McCANN, MATTHEWS. McKEOWN. Keith Waterhouse plays Anorak’s Tabloid Bingo

– the game that’s taking the press by storm.

The aim of the game is to get the names ‘McCann’, ‘Matthews’ and ‘MacKeown’ into your article.

In “As Pa Larkin used to say, it’s all perfick” Keith Waterhouse plays tabloid bingo.

A family of eight, living entirely on benefit allowances, managed to get as far as Goa for an extended holiday, where one of their number was murdered.

Scarlett Keeling. Tick.

But I find I have stubbed my toe against one of those sink estate dynasties for which the term “sub judice” might have been invented.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (9)

The Daily Express Theme Holiday

HAS the Express been buying shares in Centre Parks, Butlins or any other British holiday camp?

A selection of the paper’s headline makes it read like a UK holiday brochure:

Front page: “Shock £700 increase on [overseas] family holidays”
Page 3: “Bangers and mash in a cone”
Page 6: “Sterling’s collapse sends your holiday bills soaring”
Page13: “Why our seaside towns are priceless”
But avoid the beach because:

Page 17: “UK beaches are filthiest ever”

So Centre Parks it is. Unless the Daily Express is opening its own range of British Reports, 1950s-styled towns in which the Black And White Mintrels are always playing and the war has just been won..?

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)