Kerry Katona Is Weeks Ahead In The MTV Schedules

KERRY Katona, the sure-to-be face of Mash Cones, has gone in Labour five-weeks early.

As her waters broke like an exploding optic, brave Kerry was rushed to hospital, reports the Sun. There are “fears” that Kerry may be “on the brink of collapse”.

And because of this happening, Kerry’s puss-on-the-wall MTV series, Crazy in Love, is forced to finish five weeks short of its 16-week run.

Fans of the show, however, can make up for their disappointment by standing in a room and shouting into a carrier bag…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Gordon Brown Is Not Ben 10

GORDON Brown is talking on the local radio in Oxford.

The Sun tunes in. It hears and that the PM can’t get the theme song for children’s TV show Ben 10 out of his head.

No, not Ben No.10. Gordon Brown would not stoop to dog whistle politics, tapping into listeners’ subconscious.

This is Ben 10, the character created by a company called Man of Action. This is Ben 10 who finds a device that gives him the ability to transform into a variety of life forms, each with their own unique powers. He can be all things to all people.

This is Ben 10, who encounters Kevin, a sociopath with flicky hair who eventually morphs into a hideous amalgam of Ben’s original ten forms. Kevin teams up with the yellowy Vilgax, and together they try to do down Ben 10.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

The Great British Frozen Mash Cone

ALL hail, and no little rain, mist and drizzle, for the great British summer holiday.

Following its front-page news that families are facing the “grim prospect” of having to find an additional £700 to fund an overseas summer holiday, the Express looks at the pleasures of staying at home.

Picture the scene. You’ve burnished your collection of sand jewels (what mum jokingly calls “broken glass”), dived into the bracing sea in your tight jeans, and taken in Jim Davidson’s XXX-Factor show on the end of a very long pier.

You are now ready to eat. And what better to lag the body than a Great British banger, a scoop of Great British mash potato, some Great British peas (if not in season then use some Great British Kenyan-grown peas) and some Great British gravy?

And what more quintessentially British than securing the delicious concoction atop a Great British ice-cream cone? (Take care to remove the ice-cream first.)

It is the Mash Cone. And it’s the “brain child” of food company Aunt Bessie’s.

Anorak

Posted: 10th, April 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Karen Matthews: Red-Brown Hair, The Ducking Stool And Jailed

SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Shannon Matthews’s mother accused of perverting the course of justice”

The mother of nine year old Shannon Matthews has been remanded in custody for her own safety after appearing in court in connection with her alleged kidnap. Neighbours of Karen Matthews packed into the public gallery to see her in the dock during a 13-minute hearing.

To the ducking stool.

What of the facts?

The charge against her are: On a day between Feb 18 and March 15 she wilfully neglected or abandoned Shannon in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering to her or injury to her health.

That between Feb 18 and March 15, with intent to pervert the course of public justice, did a series of acts which had a tendency to pervert the course of public justice by repeatedly concealing information in relation to the whereabouts of Shannon in interviews and other contacts with police and claiming to have no knowledge of her whereabouts.

And:

Miss Matthews, who has seven children to five men, was arrested on Sunday evening and underwent two days of questioning by detectives.

How did she look?

Throughout the hearing her face was shielded from the public by her long red-brown hair, but briefly glanced over at that point looking tearful.

DAILY MIRROR: “Shannon Matthews’ mum Karen remanded in custody after court appearance”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (23)

Meet The Flocke: Going Knut For A Polar Bear

MOVE aside Knut, the once cute and lovable polar bear now with jaws dripping with fresh kill, with nails that can rip a blackboard to shreds.

Make way for Flocke, that’s Snowflake to you English polar bear enthusiasts, Germany’s latest superstar polar bear cub

And look out Flocke – polar bears are cannibals and Knut is making slavering noises at the ingénue.

Not that you can years the licking of chops as 500 journalists and a Fiat of cameraman flocke (geddit, German bear fans?) to see the four-month-old bundle of white fur and teeth emerge gingerly into her cage at Nuremberg Zoo.

Says the Mail: “The little bear is the second cub to capture the imagination of the adoring public after Knut the polar bear put a tentative paw outside his enclosure several years ago.”

Knut was born on December 6 2006. It was not until March 23 2007 that Knut made his public debut. That is not “several years ago”, at least not in human terms. It is barely a year, or bearly (geddit?), since Knut bundled into all our lives.

But who cares for that loser?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

The Indian Basil Fawlty

TO the Koh-i-Noor restaurant in Newport, South Wales, where owner Sheikh Ullah is doing a “Bangladeshi version of Basil Fawlty”.

The Mail says Ullah is launching a John Cleese-like verbal attack on customers.

Says Ullah: “You make me sick. You b******s – you’re all the same. You are f****** rubbish.”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Jennifer Lopez Thanks Her Little People And Tom Cruise

JENNIFER LOPEZ, aka Jenny who owns the block, has lost loadsa weight since giving birth two twins.

Running up and down the stairs all day, feeding two children, washing their clothes and keeping them in nannies sure does scorch those calories.

Says the Mail: “New mum J-Lo loses 40 pounds in four weeks with aid of gruelling workouts.”

Mums may well nod.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Pete Doherty Is Jailed

PETE Doherty, pop’s foremost fuckwit, is in jail.

Doherty has been sent down for 14 weeks for breaking the terms of a suspended sentence and not attending rehab sessions.

In “Lock And Roll,” the Stars says Doherty was jailed for “breach of time-keeping, non-compliance of his order and using different drugs”.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Beatles Legend Ringo Starr Is Decapitated

RINGO Starr has been decapitated.

Ringo Starr, the bearded Beatles fundamentalist, has had his head cut off. Its whereabouts is unknown.

Bandmates John and George are unharmed. Paul McCartney’s head, a famously moving target is also in situ.

At Liverpool South Parkway train station in Garston, where Ringo’s body remains, a station worker tells the Mail that this is the second time the Fab Four have been damaged: “Last time someone squashed Ringo’s head but this time the head has been completely cut off. Whoever did it must have come armed with cutting equipment.”

Sad.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Never Say Diana: Al Fayed Has Enough And Paul Burrell’s 10-Year Sentence

PRINCESS Diana is dead. That’s just one of the things the latest inquest into her death has established.

Now Mohammed Al Fayed speaks out. Again.

“Enough is enough,” he says.

It may even be too much for Paul Burrell, the Rock-like limpid the Mail says will face a police inquiry over allegations he committed perjury during the inquest.

The paper says: “If found guilty, he could face ten years in jail.”

But as Burrell would no doubt put it, what has the last decade without Diana been if not a life sentence?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

EastEnders Natalie Cassidy Puts The Eight In Weight

FORMER EastEnders actress Natalie Cassidy has a Size 8 figure.

Natalie played Sonia, a doe-faced big-boned girl who looked not enough unlike a young Eric Bristow, the Crafty Cockney darts player of Saturday afternoon’s past.

She tells Closer magazine: “Maintaining the weight is the toughest bit. It’s bloody hard work. I’m in the gym every day at 7am doing spinning classes or with my personal trainer, Dee Thresher, who did the work-out DVD with me.

“It can be a nightmare – I’m there for up to two hours a day.”

Where does she find the time for other stuff that young British actors enjoy doing, like wearing a bikini and having cosmetic surgery?

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Woman Uses Home Loan To Hire Assassin

“RATE cut demand as property prices slide,” says the Times’ front-page warning.

Little need to refurbish that rundown two-bed flat to sell or rent, especially now that everyone’s got one. But what else to do with the DIY money?

Says the Mail’s headline: “Woman took out £4,500 home improvement loan to pay for a hitman to kill husband.”

In Assassination, Assassination, Assassination, Phil and Kirsty catch up with Zoe Kenealy, who is looking at ways to spend the cash she was loaned by a finance firm to install a new bathroom.

The money instead went to her lover Lee Waite – who lived next door with his wife Marie (more on his home later). Mr Waite may well be a dab hand at grouting, but the money was to arrange her husband Timothy’s murder for £10,000.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews Arrested, Sentenced To Life In Jail And Counting The Kids

MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

DAILY EXPRESS: “SHANNON: NOW HER MOTHER IS CHARGED WITH CHILD NEGLECT”

The mother of kidnapped schoolgirl Shannon Matthews was charged last night with perverting the course of justice and child neglect. Karen Matthews, 32, was dramatically charged after two days of questioning by detectives.

She will appear before Dewsbury Magistrates’ Court this morning. If found guilty, the mother-of-seven could face a maximum penalty of life behind bars.

Life?

DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Shannon Matthews’s mother charged by police”

The most serious charge of perverting the course of justice carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment, although 10 years is the largest sentence passed in the last 100 years.

100 years?

THE TIMES: “Mother of Shannon Matthews charged with neglect”

Ms Matthews was criticised yesterday by her sister, Julie Poskitt, for apparently not knowing how many children she had. “When Shannon first went missing, Karen told everyone that she had six children,” Mrs Poskitt said. “It took her days to remember she had seven. I remember screaming at the telly, because even though I’m not their mother, I knew she had seven.”

THE SUN: “Estate is like a nastier Beirut”

One resident on Moorside Road, where Karen Matthews lived, told how cops who raided his home uncovered a stash of adult porn.

He said: “There’s nowt wrong with that. We’ve all got porn. Tell me a man who hasn’t porn in his house.”

“Shannon’s far better in care”

Anila Baig, the Sun’s sometimes-woman –in-a-hajib, is looking at the matter:

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (18)

A F*****g Barney Among Parrots And Police

SAYS bird sanctuary owner Geoff Grewcock: “I knew that Barney could swear but what has happened is shocking.”

Barney is a seven-year-old blue and gold macaw. He has, as Mr Grewcock maintains, picked up his lexicon from his previous owners.

Says the Mail: “He’s been teaching the other two when we had our backs turned… He has duly passed it on to African Greys Sam and Charlie, both five years old, with whom he shares a cage in Mr Grewcock’s living room. Their favourite words are f*** off, b******* and t***.”

The story then takes on a predictable twist as Barney tells the local mayoress to f*** off” and addresses two police officers and a vicar with the legend: “You can f*** off too, w******!”

Anorak

Posted: 9th, April 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (3)

China Plays With Fire In Paris And London

FRESHLY thawed from a podium in south-east London, Lord Sebastian Coe condemns the “army” (Mail) of Chinese “thugs” who accompanied the Olympic torch relay through London.

“Horrible,” says Lord Coe, if that’s not overdoing it.

Former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, who carried the torch through London – get an adult to help with the matches, viewers – says she was manhandled by the Chinese “flame attendants”.

Konnie should have released her iron grip and produced another version she’d made earlier. But Konnie is made of stern stuff. Konnie would not let go; or thanks to sticky-back tape, couldn’t let go.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Soldiers And Arabs: War In The UK And The Paintball Jihad

FORGET cowboys and Indians. The new playground fight is between squaddies and Arabs.

A company called Zulu 1 Tactical Airsoft Simulations is offering you the chance to prepare for the Clash of Civilisations by dressing in Army fatigues and shooting at opponents dressed in traditional shemagh head-dresses.

“What did you do in the war, daddy?” asks the little lad dandling on his papa’s knee. Well, says Simon, a retired accounts executive from Basingstoke, “I fired plastic pellets into Uncle Steve’s face.”

At the battleground, Darren Howells, 42, and Peter Jenkins, founders of the company, deny racism, claiming the head-dresses are the “easiest way to tell who the enemy are”.
Indeed, Anorak recalls those scenes of UK-based jihadists training for total warfare by rolling about in the Lake District and paintballing.
Zulu 1 Tactical Airsoft Simulations offers the riposte to such priapic goings on, and should make one and all appreciate the truth that no side has the monopoly on sad men who like to feel important in khaki.

Indeed, if the jihdists and fantasists can just agree on whether the final conflict should be waged with pellets or balls of coloured paint, we can get on with the settling matters.

It’s An Outrage 

But it is all an “outrage” (Mail). Really it is. There is “anger” among “furous Muslim leaders” says the Sun.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)

Spice Girl Fakes It For Ultimo Sacrifice

SPICE Girl Scary Melanie Brown has signed a £½million deal to front the next Ultimo bra campaign.

But can this be right and proper? Mel’s breasts are assisted in the fight against gravity and bagginess by tape, thread and beanbag.

Unless each Ultimo bra comes with a full set of complimentary Scarys, stitched-in for added security – “belts and braces for your chest” (note to Ultimo marketing team – call me) – the bra will not do what it says on the box.

Says an Ultimo source: “We were blown away by the great shape she is in and desperate to land her. Mel B has never been bigger.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Shannon Matthews: The McCanns, A Shameless Scam And Paul Donovan

MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews

THE STAR: “SHANNON SNATCH ‘SCAM’”

A scam? Who would have thought it?

The mum of Shannon Matthews has allegedy confessed that her daughter’s abduction was just a Shameless scam.

Sobbing Karen Matthews, 32, was arrested on suspicion of perverting justice after reportedly telling a woman detective she had known where Shannon was all along.

Shameless? Ashamed?

In an episode of the Channel 4 comedy drama Shameless, screened just four weeks before Shannon vanished, family head Frank Gallagher’s teenage daughter Debbie staged the fake kidnap of her younger brother Liam in a bid to pocket a £500,000 ransom.

“Missing” Liam – played by Johnny Bennett, nine, – was hidden by Debbie (Rebecca Ryan, 16) at a pal’s home just down the road.

Missing children are a form of entertainment.

DAILY EXPRESS: “MUM: ‘I ALWAYS KNEW WHERE SHANNON WAS’”

The mother of kidnap girl Shannon Matthews has allegedly told police: “I knew where she was, right from day one.”

And the McCanns..?

A spokesman for the McCanns confirmed they had received approaches from “people purporting to be members of Shannon’s family” for donations from the Find Madeleine Fund, but said it had been decided not to get involved.

But the McCanns did get involved.

Gerry and Kate were “deeply concerned” at the plight of Shannon’s family. Kate, 39, said: “My heart goes out to them. We always hoped and prayed that no other family would have to suffer like we have.”

And singer Leona Lewis seized the moment to make an appeal.

THE SUN: “’Family’ beg from McCanns”

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (202)

Pamela Anderson Warms Hugh Heffner’s Lap

PAMELA ANDERSON, billed as “SEXY”, has been dancing naked for Playboy magazine’s Hugh Hefner.

It is the occasion of Hefner’s 82nd birthday party and 40-year-old Anderson is warming Hefner’s lap not with a snug travel rug nor a hot water bottle but with a dance.

The Sun says that as Hefner walked into the suite at his Las Vegas hotel, Anderson walked out of a bedroom wearing only high-heel shoes.

Says hotel owner George Maloof, 43: “He was stunned and had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen.”

He then sat down on a chair, and Anderson sat on him.

Happy birthday, Hef – octogenarian, grinning pyjama wearer, dancing human chair…

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Princess Diana, The Prototype David Beckham: ‘It Was Murder’

IT’S 3873 AD (After Diana) and the papers carry news of the self-styled Princess of Hearts.

The Inquest into her death has closed. The ruling is that Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed were unlawfully killed due to the “gross negligence” of driver Henri Paul and the paparazzi. Diana was killed because she did not use her seatbelt.

The snappers are pictured on the Times’ cover page. They and Paul are the “usual suspects”.

The Telegraph leads with “Let that be the end, say Princes”. Readers learn that William and Harry “hope unlawful killing verdict will bring to a close speculation over mother’s death”.

“Now let her rest in peace,” says the Scotsman on its cover.

So that’s it, then. Goodbye Diana. You came. Your shook hands. You were blonde. You went on holiday. You were a prototype David Beckham.

But the Metro newspaper, one of London’s top hundred free daily newspapers, wonders: “Diana: The final verdict. Or is it?” There is the “threat of a legal challenge”.

Is there? Even the Express leads with “DIANA WAS KILLED UNLAWFULLY”, accepting that she was not murdered by a combination of Prince Philip, Chicago neo-Nazis and a flash photography.

‘It Was Murder’  

A spokesman for Dodi Fayed’s father, Mohamed Al Fayed says: “We’re looking at all possibilities.” No, not that Dodi and Diana were killed by the Queen Mother and Mr Grassy Knoll. Well, not only that. Fayed in said to be investigating the possibility of pursuing a private prosecution against the paparazzi in the French courts.

The Times hears Mr Fayed’s statement: “The most important thing is that it’s murder.” The verdict was “unlawful killing”. But that’s not important. What is important is: “It has been a long fight to uncover the truth. I am not the only person who says they were murdered.”

Indeed not. There’s Keith Allen, father to one-hit wonder Lily Allen, who the Scotsman says has made a documentary about the inquest into the deaths of Diana and hopes it’s a hit at Cannes. He says: “To this day I absolutely believe that this wasn’t an accident. I just know.”

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)

You’d Be Jay-Z To Go To Glastonbury

IN “GLASTONFURY”, the Sun wonders why American rapper Jay-Z plans to quit the Glastonbury music festival.

A look at pictures of the singer reveals him to a neat looking man who takes utmost care with his appearance.

A look at a picture of Glastonbury reveals it to be a muddy field covered in human excrement, nits and thirtysomethings wearing Wellington boots and jester hats.

Glastonbury is one of those life experiences of modern life, like running a Marathon, cutting an umbilical chord and catching organic humus in the rain.

Why won’t Jay-Z be playing Glastonbury?

Question asked, question answered.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Problem With Immigrants Is They Are Too Good

“PROOF that immigrants are taking British jobs,” says the Express which has a graph to prove it.

The line for “UK-born workers” is going down. It is black. The line for “foreign born workers” is going up. It is white.

“Should migrants be barred from taking British jobs?” asks the Express’s phone poll? The paper’s Tom Whitehead awaits your call. “Yes” and he stays. “No” and Sanjay Walesa becomes the paper’s Home Affairs Correspondent.

Meanwhile, over in the Telegraph, readers learn that “the percentage of working-age, UK-born Britons in work fell from a peak of 75.7 in 2003, the year before European Union enlargement, to 75.2 in 2007. Part of the fall could be attributed to employers directly replacing British workers with migrants, particularly in agriculture, factories and low-skilled service-sector jobs.”

Could be? Could be not? But the best line has to be from Prof Rowthorn, a Cambridge University professor who uncovered the findings. He says “the most likely victims were British-born school-leavers who had never had a job, having failed to find the kind of casual work they might have walked into a few years ago”.

The claim will fuel a political row over the prospects for a generation referred to as “Neets” (not in education, employment or training).

The professor said: “We are looking at the most vulnerable, least skilled and in some ways least motivated members of the local workforce. The problem that eastern European migrants pose is that they are good workers.”

That’s the problem with these foreign born workers – they are too ruddy good. What we need to is lower their productively and reduce their skills. We need to level the playing field.

We need to re-educate them…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Marines Prepare For Warfare In A Travelodge

THE Ministry of Defence is preparing Marines for battle and possible kidnap by housing them in a Travelodge.

The Sun says 80 Marines are training for urban warfare, depravation and the grim realities of the frontline in Afghanistan by toughening up in Barnstaple’s Travelodge.

The Sun says the Marines’ base in Chivenor, Devon, is full so the MoD has taken to billeting the soldiers in 45 rooms on a motel.

The paper says that this all costs a great deal of money, and that at $65-a-night the cost is £610,000. To compound this price, all Marines are away for three weeks on Easter Leave, a respite from the merciless Hell of budget accommodation.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Man Attacked by Hedgehog

HEADLINE of the day: “Boy ‘hit with a hedgehog’.”

The Mail reports that in New Zealand, William Singalargh, 27, is accused of throwing a hedgehog at a 15-year-old.

Singalargh is said to have tossed the hedgehog 15ft towards the teenager, an action that caused him to suffer a large red welt and puncture marks.

The man has been charged with assault with weapon, namely a hedgehog.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (2)

The Stella McCartney Step Mum Test

MORE news of Paul McCartney, former husband to Lady Heather Mills, and his latest leggy lovely Miss Nancy Shevell.

The Mail spots Shevell walking in New York in the company of a carrier bag bearing the legend “STELLA McCARTNEY”.

Stella McCartney is, by coincidence, also the name of Paul’s daughter.

Does Ms Shevell know?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)