Keeping Faith With Amy Winehouse At Myleene’s Bash

IS that Amy Winehouse looking busty at Myleene’s Klass’s 30th birthday party?

The Mail looks at Myleene dressed as Cleopatra doing an impression of Elizabeth Taylor.

To her side is Faith Brown, the 63-year-old impressionists. Her stacked hair, ‘Daddy’s Girl’ tattoo and bustier all point to Winehouse.

Brown once presented The Faith Brown Chat Show on TV. The impressionist interviewed herself in a succession of celebrity personas holding “conversations” with Kate Bush, Pam Ayres, Barbra Streisand, Lene Lovich, Angela Rippon, Eartha Kitt, Diana Ross, Mary Whitehouse, and Donna Summer.

On hearing those names, Anorak’s Postboy Collective issued a collective “Who?”. Brown seems to have heard the cry and in a bid to move with the times and keep her act fresher than her alter egos has chosen to do an impression of Amy Winehouse.

The result is not all that unpleasant, and, should she look at it, perhaps the sobering experience Winehouse needs…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Britain Colder Than An Alaskan Gin And It

POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news

In “global warming lobby goes cold after April snow,” the Express features a picture of a polar bear sat on a lump of ice.

Whereas once it was believed the bear’s body heat was causing the ice to melt, it is now thought the ice is in plentiful supply, with more ice to go around than a Holiday Inn lobby in Norway.

As the Express also notes, “Britain is colder than Alaska.”

But, then, thanks to global warming, isn’t everywhere…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Crazed Konnie Huq Fan Ruins Olympic Torch Progress

“OLYMPIC run turns into farce,” says the Express.

Thirty-seven arrests have been made after clashes between pro-Tibet protesters and police as the Olympic torch made its way through London, says the BBC.

“Crowds cheer and scream ‘China we love you as China’s Olympic torch brings light to gloomy London,” says the Chinese news agency.

Meanwhile, over in London the farce goes on as athletes move the burning baton along the relay until it reaches BBC children’s TV presenter and maybe athlete Konnie Huq who gets jumped on by a crazed fan…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Madonna Looks To Adopt An Indian Orphan

TIME for Indian children to dirty up and look sad as Madonna goes hunting for a new child.

The Sun says Madonna is to adopt a child from India.

With no orphans available in Africa, and the BBC search for an Oliver Twist yet to bear fruit, Madonna is forced to look elsewhere.

Pop’s fair lady is in India. Altogether now: “All we want is a room somewhere…”

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Coleen McLouhglin’s Two-Tier Wedding Mistake

THAT Coleen McLoughlin and her footballer Wayne Rooney are getting married – to each other – occupies the Mail’s thoughts.

In “Rationing the Rooneys”, the Mail says Coleen is planning one do for the “A-listers” and another for her husband’s relatives.

The party in the Mediterranean will be an OK!-funded do with the usual fire-eaters, shiny suits and Coleen’s A-list pals, such as her husband, her husband’s team-mates and her husband’s team-mates wives.

Back on Merseyside, Wayne’s relatives are chowing down on pickled egg sarnies and not drinking all that much as Coleen considers imposing a limit on alcohol.

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

A Head For Figures: Sufiah Yusof And Sex Education

SAYS Sufiah Yusof, maths prodigy-tuned-prostitute: “I have men who are thrilled about my passion for mathematics.

“I gave one oral sex while he chatted about algebra. It drove him wild.”

abxxxx-rated stuff.

But surely this is a pointer for the Government, who keen to foster a culture of life-long learning should consider using prostitutes to create enthusiasm for less popular suspects.

It’s sex education that produces results…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (15)

Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews ‘Arrested’, Michael Donovan’s Suicide And A Scam

SHANNON Watch: Anorak’s look at the case of Shannon Matthews in the media

THE SUN (front page): “SHANNON SUSPECT SLASHES WRISTS”

Page 5: “There was blood everywhere.. his life was hanging by a thread”

Unconscious Mike Donovan, 39 – who also took a drugs overdose – was saved by quick- thinking prison officers who raced to give first aid as he lay in a pool of blood.

A jail source said grimly: “His life was hanging by a thread. There was blood everywhere. He would have died but for the prompt action of staff.

“It was a deadly serious suicide bid.”

“KIDNAP QUIZ GRAN’S GRIN” – Alice Meehan is the “grinning mum” of Craig Meehan. The policeman behind her is also smiling. But he is not mentioned.

“GIRL’S SNUB STUNS MUM” – Shannon would rather play with her kitten than go home. Karen Matthews is on “suicide watch”

Karen Matthews is in a secret location. Although, the police know where she is:

“Shannon’s mum Karen is nicked” – Karen Matthews, 32, was being held on suspicion of perverting the course of justice.

PA NEWS: A West Yorkshire Police spokesman says: “Police investigating the alleged abduction of a nine-year-old girl have arrested a 32-year-old woman in Dewsbury on suspicion of perverting the course of justice.”

DAILY MIRROR (front page): “SHANNON ACCUSED SLITS HIS WRISTS – Warders foil suicide bid”

Shannon Matthews’ accused kidnapper Michael Donovan has slit his wrists.
What of Shannon’s family?

Fishmonger Craig is accused of possessing 130 indecent images of children on his computer. His mother Alice Meehan and sister Amanda Hyett were both arrested and freed on bail in connection with Shannon’s kidnap.

Alice, 49, Donovan’s sister, was quizzed on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. Amanda, 25, who lives next door to the house Craig shared with Shannon’s mum Karen was questioned on suspicion of assisting an offender. Karen, 32, is mother of six other children.

DAILY EXPRESS (front page): “SHANNON SUSPECT SLASHES WRISTS”

Page 9: “MAN ACCUSED OF SHANNON’S KIDNAP TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF”

Michael Donovan:

A Ministry of Justice spokesman said it was a “serious case of self harm” and that the warders who found him had acted “with great professionalism”.

A jail source said: “His condition is being assessed by a psychiatrist who will try to determine how serious a bid it was to end his life.

“He has apparently tried to claim it was more of a ‘cry for help’. But he will now be viewed as a genuine suicide risk and watched extremely closely.”

And Shannon?

During a three-hour visit on Wednesday – only the second time Karen had seen Shannon since she was found – the mother-of-seven broke down and begged her daughter to come home.

Shannon is said to have replied: “No. I don’t want to come home. I want to go back to my kitten.”

Karen’s mother, June Matthews, who is planning to launch a custody bid for Shannon, said: “During the meeting both Karen and Shannon seemed quite happy but Karen broke down when it was time for Shannon to leave and begged her to come home.

“That must have been devastating for Karen. But it is good news that Shannon is so happy.”

DAILY STAR (front page): “SHANNON SNATCH SUSPECT SLASHES WRISTS”

THE man accused of snatching little Shannon Matthews was rushed to hospital yesterday after trying to kill himself in jail.

Not big Shannon, then?

Detectives are probing claims the youngster’s “abduction” was a family scam to rake in cash after they had seen public donations pour into a fund set up to help find missing Madeleine McCann.

A scam?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (112)

A Nazi Business For Max Mosley, Bahrain And The Germans

FORMULA One chief Max Mosley faces allegations that he took part in a Nazi sex fantasy.

He is now barred from entering the Kingdom of Bahrain. No problem you’d think. Bahrain is famous for heat and sand, and you get those every third Monday in August in Bridlington.

As the Mail notes, in a letter, the Crown Prince of Bahrain, Sheikh Salman Bin Hamad Al-Khalifa has asked Mr Mosley not to attend the Bahrain Grand Prix.

Says he: “In light of the allegations, I suspect you may be deliberating on your planned attendance at the Grand Prix here in Bahrain later in the week. I therefore felt it important to convey the position of Bahrain and its people. With great regret I feel that under the current circumstance, it would be inappropriate for you to be in Bahrain at this time.”

It is uncertain if the people of Bahrain are appalled by the Nazis or the spanking. The Sheikh of Bahrain declared war on Germany on September 10, 1939 and Bahraini forces fought under British command in the Middle East. Although capital punishment is legal.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Page 3 Mel Holds It Together For London Marathon

RACING the Maasai Warriors at this summer’s London Marathon is Page 3 stunna Mel.

Yesterday, we reported on how the Maasai Striders have been told that it is illegal to show certain parts of your body in the UK so is important to wear underwear.

Mel can only agree, although her reasons for underwater are for matters of speed and improved aerodynamics rather than etiquette.

Says she: “I’ve had to wear a sports bra during my training to stop my boobs from wobbling around.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Ken Livingstone Knew Your Mother

SAYS Ken Livingstone, father to “FIVE” children by “THREE” different women: “I don’t think anybody in this city will be shocked by what two consenting adults do, as long as you don’t include children, animals and vegetables.

“No one has ever found anything in my private life that was illegal or immoral.”

But it’s not for want of looking. Asks the Sun: “DO YOU know Red Ken’s secret family?” If you do, then call the paper’s hotline.

And then call the paper’s owner and explain how no-one apparently knew the London mayor had a tribe of children until now.

As for Ken, who knew that sounding like a plugged in martial aid makes you such a hit with the ladies?

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Shannon Matthews: Craig Meehan, Vigilantes And Blaming New Labour

SHANNON Watch: Anorak’s look at the case of Shannon Matthews in the media

DAILY STAR (front page): “SHANNON MUM DUMPS LOVER”

THE mum of Shannon Matthews ditched her lover yesterday as he appeared in court accused of possessing porn pictures of children as young as four. But she has now broken off her four-year relationship with the 22-year-old supermarket fishmonger, saying she “didn’t want to be part of his life”.

Karen acted after he appeared in court on 11 charges of possessing 130 indecent images of youngsters. Fourteen of the pictures were said to show adults having sex with children as young as 11. Others showed children aged just four performing sex acts.

Is Craig Meehan innocent?

Says one local: “He wouldn’t last a minute. People on this estate act first and ask questions later. He may be innocent, but these folk won’t wait for a judge and jury. They feel betrayed and are very angry.”

TIMES: “Shannon Matthews: Craig Meehan remanded in custody”

The partner of Shannon Matthews’s mother was remanded in custody charged with possessing 140 pornographic images of children on two computers.

Or 130 images? Meehan is a “supermarket fishmonger”. Such are the facts.

THE SUN: “I want nothing to do with him”

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (79)

BA Loses Naomi Campbell From Terminal Five

NAOMI Campbell “SPITS IN COPS FACE”.

So says the Mirror on its front page. “NAOMI ‘SPAT IN COP’S FACE,” says the Sun, a little more circumspect than its red-top rival, putting the spitting in inverted commas.

The Mirror, the paper against which Campbell won a breach of confidentiality claim against, is more certain.

This is Naomi Campbell, who, as the Mirror notes, “served five days of community service and two days on an anger management course last year after pleading guilty to assaulting her maid. and in 2000 was ordered to attend anger management classes after admitting assaulting her PA with a mobile phone.”

But before we condemn her, we learn that the alleged incident occurred at HeathROW Terminal Five.

Says the Mirror: “The model has blamed her temper on resentment of her father who abandoned her as a child.”

That’s too bad. But the Sun says “CRAZED Naomi Campbell flew into a rage over ONE lost bag — after 20,000 pieces of luggage went missing at Heathrow’s trouble-hit Terminal 5.”

One lost bag is no big deal unless the one lost bag in your lost bag.

Campbell’s press agent, Celena Aponte, tells the Sun: “She arrived in plenty of time at Heathrow Terminal 5 with two bags, checked them in, and told they were take [sic] the flight. Once on the flight, she was told one bag could not be found and was missing.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Shannon Matthews: Craig Meehan And Paul Donovan News Round Up

SHANNON Watch: Anorak’s look at the case of Shannon Matthews in the media

ANKIT Saha: “From my humble legal viewpoint, I find it quite startling that the Police took the action they did against Meechan. Normally the authorities operate against the issue of child porn on the level of website owners and online distributors.”

DAILY EXPRESS: “SHANNON’S STEPFATHER REMANDED”

THE stepfather of kidnapped schoolgirl Shannon Matthews was remanded in custody today after being charged with possessing child pornography.

Craig Meehan, 22, appeared at Dewsbury Magistrates Court this morning facing 11 charges of possessing 140 indecent images of children.

He will remain in police custody until April 11 when he will reappear at the court.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (65)

Phil Neville’s Home Explains Why Versace Was Murdered

JULIE Neville and her football Phil Neville are selling their home.

For £4million, you can take ownership of a Cheshire pile seemingly modelled on a private boarding school in Jeddah, or, indeed, a pile.

Eyes are drawn to, and left bleeding, by the 12-seater dining-room table that doubles as a landing strip for Manchester Airport in time of dense fog.

Floors are covered in a uniform carpet of gold, with embroidered swooshes of golder gold and the golden initials “PJ” entwined.

The Star says it is a “Versace mansion”, something that may explain why the designer came to be shot dead.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Armed Maasai Warriors Goad London Marathon Runners On

TO the London Marathon, at no great pace.

Six Maasai warriors are taking part in the race. No, not half a dozen blacked-up coppers from Basildon, but actual bona fide warriors with spears and shields.

Marathon chiefs are expecting a fast race this year as the warriors angle their spears into buttocks and goad them of to ever greater effort.

But they should take care. The tribesmen have been issued with a four-page guide by Greenforce charity workers.

The rules:

1. If the group sees a cow pig or sheep in a field they should not kill it and eat it. “It is important to remember these animals are owned by someone and are looked after”.

2. It is illegal to show certain parts of your body so is important to wear underwear.”

3. Use a toilet and not a bush. Do not follow the example set by Tanzania’s very own Paula Radcliffe.

4. If you take and wear something someone else has like a bracelet they will find it unusual”

5. Britishers “seem sillier when the drink alcohol”

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)

MPs Wants Rise In The House Market

“NEGATIVE EQUITY THREAT TO 3M HOMES,” says the Mail’s front-page headline.

Says the Mirror: “A mortgage famine is on the cards as more banks follow First Direct’s decision to slam the door on new borrowers. Experts fear we could be heading back to the bad old days of mortgage rationing as the worldwide credit crunch tightens.”

Says the Expres on its front page: “NOW MPS WANTS £23,000 PAY RISE.”
MPs are “accsued of lining their pockets.”

Only: “They want the astonishing sum to replace their lavish second-home allowamnces of up to £22,100.”

So the politicos want to do up their homes rather than move? Given the economic climate, this seems entirely reasonable…

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Money, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Cristiano Ronaldo Learns From Ryan Giggs’ Mistakes

CRISTIANO Ronaldo was just 14 years old when Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs removed his shirt in celebration.

What many at first thought to be a pet monkey strapped to Giggs’ torso turned out to be genuine hair. On his chest.

At a joint emergency meeting of the Football Association and Premier League’s respective marketing boards it was decide that it should never happen again.

While it would be problematic to ban hair growth, there would be penalties for any player caught removing his shirt in a goal celebration (yellow card) or on a beach in Marbella (loss of razor blade contract).

Ronaldo took note. He practiced hard. He juggled balls. He perfected flicks and tricks. He learned how to say “Good day, a back, crack and sack, my man, please” in near-perfect Ingleeesh.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (34)

YESTERDAY’S news of a woman’s head found washed up on a beach in Scotland gets more chilling.

The Suns says that the human head was not wrapped in one bag in “PLASTIC BAGS”.

How man turtles could have been hurt does not bear thinking about.

Police are investigating…

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Heather Mills Comes Back As Paul McCartney’s Dark Lady

THE Sun’s continued gawp at Lady Heather Mills sees the paper looking at her hair.

“ALL YOU NED IS RUG,” says the Sun on its front page, words hung above a picture of Nancy Shevell, Paul McCartney’s latest younger lover.

But what’s this? Inside the paper the wigged wonder is not Shevell but Lady Heather.

The Sun says Lady Heather “fled” New York City as Paul “arrived with his new raven-haired girlfriend”. The paper positions a shot of Shevell alongside that of her newly darkened Lady Heather.

The resemblance is indeed uncanny. But why does the Sun do it? To show the world how Paul fancies a certain type of younger woman? Or is there something darker afoot?

Lady Heather has “fled”. And Paul is with Ms Shevall. Or is he? Turn up the candlelight, Paul. Grab a fork and drive it hard into your companion’s limb. No, not that one, Paul the other one. Is it really Nancy?

Or is Paul reunited with her ladyship?

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Bad Science: Indonesia’s Camp Octopus

SCIENTIFIC fact of the day: “Octopuses are kinky and violent lovers.”

In the Sun, we learn that some octupuses strangle their male rivals. And “smaller male octopuses in Indonesia also pretend to be females, putting on ‘girlish airs’.”

Fact.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Shannon Matthews: Stepdad Craig Meehan Arrested

SHANNON Watch: Anorak’s look at the case of Shannon Matthews in the media

YORKSHIRE EVENING POST: “Today’s development came on the day that Karen Matthews, 32, was due to have a second meeting with her daughter Shannon – who is still being looked after by a foster family.

“The YEP has been informed that Social Services bosses have spent the last few days arranging for the visit to take place – at an undisclosed location.

“However, that reunion has now been put on hold in light of the arrest of Karen’s partner. The YEP has also learned that detectives probing Shannon’s 24 day disappearance are still interviewing the youngster. They are anxious to establish exactly what happened to her during the time she was missing. However, detectives are able to interview her for only short periods at a time because of her tender age, and the delicate nature of the questioning.”

DAILY MAIL: “Police arrest Shannon Matthews’ stepfather on child porn charges”

Police investigating the disappearance of Shannon Matthews have arrested her stepfather Craig Meehan on suspicion of possessing indecent images of children.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (148)

Third Of Britons Are Paranoid, All Others Under Observation

HARRIET Harman might not be such a fool to walk around in a stab-proof vest – she might just be paranoid.

The Sun says more than a third of Brits are “PARANOID”.

How do we know this? By scientists watching you and noting all you do down on pads, that’s how. Also, researchers sent 200 volunteers on a computer-generated four-minute trip in a London Tube carriage.

One paranoid passenger said a “dodgy” computer character looked as if he might turn aggressive or “plant a bomb”.

A second was scared she might be sexually molested, while a third feared a virtual passenger who kept moving a hand was a pickpocket.

A fourth was “spooked” by another virtual passenger. She said later: “I’m sure he looked at me more than a couple of times though I might be imagining it.”

Meanwhile a woman in south London is taking no chances, her party is handing out ID cards and her leader is invading Iraq just in case it has big guns that can kill us all in 45 minutes…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Gordon Brown Advertises or Professional Immigrants

“IMMIGRANTS,” screams the Express, calling the country’s assorted Poles, Australians and more to attention, “NO BROWN WANTS MORE.”

When Anorak mocked up Gordon Brown as Oliver Twist, we meant it in jest.

But he can’t have any more. There aren’t any more. Everyone’s already here. To get more immigrants, the immigrants will have to go away and come back again. Perhaps British Airways could put them in bags to Milan and save on costs?

But Gordon Brown wants more. He says the number of job vacancies has now increased to 675,000 and businesses can benefit from being able to “recruit more widely”.

The Express presses ‘1’ on the speed dial and contacts Sir Andrew Green, the chairman of Migrationwatch UK.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)

Is Nigella Lawson Getting Fatter For Fat Wednesday

IT’S Nigella Lawson on the Daily Express’s cover page.

“So has TV’s yummy cook out a bit too much in her tummy?” asks the paper. The Mail looks at her “jumbo knees”.

Readers may well expect this question to appear alongside a shot of the celebrity throwing up in a taxi. But Nigella is above such things – she most likely has a driver – and can be seen dressed in a vomit-free black top and pink cardigan.

The question, of course, is: “Is Nigella getting fatter?” And if she isn’t, why isn’t she?
Because today the Express screams: “TUCK IN AND LOOSEN YOUR BELTS, IT’S FAT WEDNESDAY.”

The paper says that “we’re likely to cram more food into our tummies today than on any other day, bar Christmas”.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Ofcom Finds Perverts On Facebook, MySpace and Bebo

“MILLIONS OF GIRLS AT RISK ONLINE,” says the Mail’s front-page headline. “Shock report reveals parents are blind to dangers of Facebook, MySpace and Bebo.”

The talks of paedophiles and bullying. The Mail has seen a report by the communications watchdog Ofcom.

Says the Mail: “Teenage girls think nothing of posting profiles accompanied by sexually provocative pictures of themselves along with personal details including names, addresses and the school they attend.”

The Mail pulls on its dog collar and looks of evidence of filth and degradation. It finds the profile of one 14 year old, and shows its readers a picture of her cleavage.
There’s anther shot of a blonde 16-year-old who wants to be model. Dressed in “nothing but a waistcoat and briefs, she poses provocatively on a bed and standing on a window-sill”.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)