Gay Men Do Alan Sugar’s The Apprentice

IT might be the pointy finger that does it, but whatever the reason the Star says “GAYS” are “SWEET” on Alan Sugar, human resources director of BBC TV’s The Apprentice.
“Apprentice sex shock for Alan,” says the paper.

Reading on we learn that while some kinkier “gays” will doubtless fancy Sugar’s bristly charms, it is his would-be apprentices who possess the allure.

It turns out that Sir Alan Sugar has become a gay hero after hiring a workstation of handsome chaps.

We’d like to chip in and say that Sugar is unlikely to have chosen the show’s agonists, all of whom are surely plucked from reality show central casting:

Nicholas de Lacy-Brown – The idiotic toff with the idiotic toff’s name has already left the show.

Raef Bjayou – The ethnic representation with a name that sounds like something uttered by an ejaculating donkey. Bjayou looks like the toilet attendant in the Bates Motel.

Lee McQueen – Best name of the bunch. McQueen should appeal to the gays.
Says Lee: “If you missed something in the earlier part of your life, you’ll find it again before your time is up.”

Old Mr Anorak The Elder once lost a stuffed brown bear only to be reunited with it seconds before his death when his son and heir pushed it on a roller skate into his room to the accompanying sound “Boo!”

Kevin Shaw – Kevin has excitable hair and the look of a Division 2 footballer. Says Kevin: “I will take no prisoners in the boardroom and will nail anyone who gets in my way.” Translation: I am fixated by crucifixion and death.

Simon Smith – Simon says: “I’m too soft at times – I fall for the little old lady factor.” Simon is the Essex boy contestant most likely to try and pull Sugar’s mother.

Michael Sophocles – A swarthy Telesales Executive sat in his pod dreaming of world domination. Get this “I am single minded and will manipulate others if necessary to get to the prize.” Translation: I can only think of one thing at a time and have no friends”

Ian Stringer – The token Celt. Ian gives the best quote of all: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Winners and… I don’t know how to spell the other word. I can’t say it…” Translation: I have a peech imthediment and am crip at speeling.”

Alex Wotherpoon – No nonsense Northerner. Says Alex: “I expect people to obey clear instructions. If this doesn’t happen I become annoyed.” You can hear the production team mouthing “You’re fired” as he entered the room.
All in all, an utterly unfanciable, unlovely bunch of l… What was it again, Ian? No, not lovers. Close. Try again…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)

Muslims Ban Gay Books And Other Fairy Tales

SAYS the Mail: “Muslims’ fury forces schools to shelve anti-homophobia storybooks for 5-year-olds.”

The Muslims are censoring the books at Easton Primary School and Bannerman Road Community School, both in Bristol.

There have been “Objections from Muslim parents”. The King & King, a fairytale about a prince who turns down three princesses before marrying one of their brothers, is no longer on the bookshelves.

And Tango Makes Three, the story of two male penguins who fall in love at a New York zoo, is purged.

Bristol City Council said the two schools had been using the books to ensure they complied with gay rights laws which came into force last April. They were intended to help prevent homophobic bullying, it said.

But the books have gone. And the Mail says it is because of the Muslims. Only, it isn’t. Not really.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)

Allison Pearson Wonders

ASKS Allison Pearson: “WHAT IF IT WAS MEN WHO GOT PREGNANT?”

The Mail’s front-page poser can be answered by sysing that if men got pregnant they would be women.

But – what-ho? – where would the man come from?

See Allison’s column next week…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Fat Children Get The TakeAnywhere School Desk

HOW fat are we? The Mail says schools are buying reinforced chairs and tables to cope with oversize pupils.

The Mail focuses on the fatness, almost overlooking the height.

Levent Caglar, of the Furniture Industry Research Association, says: “My study showed that children have been growing since 1971. In that time, they have grown another three centimetres, just over an inch, or one centimetre every decade.”

But the Mail’s story is all about weight. And though the extra leg may account for the extra pounds, the Mail looks at children’s “inactive lifestyles and hours spent slumped in front of the computer and TV”.

Of course, if the children were not given bigger furniture but instead issued with lighter chairs and desks, they could be shamed into stopping growing by sensing the chair and table splinter and crack under their massive bulk.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Natasha Kaplinsky Is Pregnant With News

NATASHA Kaplinsky is three months pregnant.

It’s the Mirror’s front–page news. Its might even be the lead news story on the Channel Five bulletin Kaplinsky presents.

It’s breaking news news…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Blake’s Mum Wants Him To Move Away From Amy Winehouse

AMY Winehouse’s could be appearing at a jail near you if her husband Blake Fielder-Civil is transferred to a new prison.

The Star says Blaaaaake’s mum Georgette is “desperate” for him to be transferred to a jail near her home in the Midlands so she can visit him more often.

But Amy prefers it that he remains in Pentonville Prison, north London, closer to where she lives.

Says the Star: “The jail bust-up has sparked a rift in the family.”

As the Mirror spots Winehouse “dressed up like a gangster’s moll” off to see Blake in choky, Mrs Fielder-Uncivil looks on.

Says Georgette: “We’ve asked for Blake to be moved from London so we can visit him more easily. We want him nearer the family home, even if it means Amy won’t get to see him. She’s always late for the visits anyway and is often banned from seeing him.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Taxi Unfair For Paul Gascoigne

NO publication should overestimate the intelligence of its readers, and in a story on how “TROUBLED” Paul Gascoigne allegedly did a runner from a taxi fare, the paper produces a picture of a black cab.

The story is that Gazza missed a train from Newcastle to Birmingham so hailed a black cab. The trip cost £400 in the Sun, or £350 in the Mirror.

The cab’s driver, one Hanzale Aziz (named in the Mirror as Adnan Aziz), claims the former England footballer behaved “erratically” during the journey.

Says Aziz: “He asked where his wine was. He was eating bag after bag of Doritos crisps – opening them by banging his hands together so the bags burst and the crisps were going everywhere.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Gordon Brown Would Do Anything For More

JUST when you thought school could not get any worse, the Mirror announces: “FREE SCHOOL MEAL FOR EVERY PUPIL.”

Says Labour MP Sharon Hodgson said: “This is just the type of big bold thinking we need to secure a fourth term. In many schools, children roam the streets at lunchtimes, which is often bad news for local residents and good news for the chippy or burger bars.”

Vote Labour and say “No” to lunchtime trade. That’s the small business vote secured.

Ms Hodgson goes on: “It’s just over a century since the School Meals Act in 1906, which aimed to ensure children were not too hungry to concentrate.”

It’s 1906 and all that. No central heating in those halcyon days of rumbaba and rickets. Turn off the generator. Make it cold and so improve the students’ powers of concentration

“We now need to ensure that not only does no child go hungry but their food is healthy. All children get a desk, pencils and pens and a teacher. They should also get lunch, it’s as fundamental as that.”

What about desks sprayed with a Vitamin Varnish, quills plucked from organic hens, pencils fashioned from carrot sticks and a teacher who brings in an apple a day for her class?

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (7)

Dan Brown’s Princess Diana Code And Dodi’s Baby

PRINCESS Diana is today wearing a blue dress, gold earrings and a sunny disposition.

In “DIANA – Coroner says it wasn’t murder”, conspiracy theorists learn that the coroner in the Diana inquest can find not one shred of evidence to support the theory that Our Lady of the Immaculate Handbag was murdered.

Of course, this is grist to the mill for conspiracy theorists who know that they and the pigeons in the shopping precinct are privy to the truth.

Says the Mail: “After 89 days, £7million and 250 witnesses, Diana coroner decides what we all knew…she WASN’T murdered (and even Fayed’s lawyer’s agree).”

Indeed, dear readers, the Mail is in on it too.

“Di Judge Lashes The Liars,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. But no, these are not those liars, those high-up Nazis, those MI5 operatives, those Royals, but they who say Diana was assassinated in an elaborate plot involving a car, a playboy and a tunnel.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Skip To The Lulu For A Younger Looking You

HAVING shunned Botox in the Mail only yesterday, Lulu is now telling Daily Express readers “The Secret of Why I Look Young At 59”.

Readers should care to know that the uppermost picture is of the singer Lulu, and the lower shot is of Princess Diana, who will always be 36.

The Express is, of course, the paper of record, and resists any urge to replace the image of Lulu as is she is now with a picture of young Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud, ageless Rock Astley or any other flame-haired singer.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Gordon Brown Wants Silence At Liverpool’s Kop Shop

IN “FURY ACROSS THE MERSEY”, the Sun leads with news that cops are to “police abusive fans at Kop derby”.

The “Kop derby” is, of course, last weekend’s match between Liverpool and their city rivals Everton.

Things were said to the players by the fans. Cruel things. Things the Sun will not lower itself to repeat.

But relief from harsh words is on the way as Prime Minister Gordon Brown “joined the debate”* about “appalling behaviour at football matches by backing The Sun’s Shut It! Campaign”.

The Sun’s front-page news is, rightly, the Sun’s campaign.

Gordon Brown who writes for the sun almost weekly, says: “We all know children imitate the behaviour they see from adults, whether it’s good or bad, and especially from their sporting heroes.”

He’s right. We’ve lost count of the number of children we see gulping for air between words, bankrolling an iffy war in Iraq and selling off the country’s gold reserves at a fraction of their worth.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Finding Laughter In Heathrow Terminal Five

MORE news on HeathRow Terminal Five, which is skilfully lowering passenger expectations to a degree whereby anyone spilling a plastic pot of orange juice down their clothes or on the receiving end of an invasive body search in customs will see it as progress and a triumph.

Hurrah!

And there is much joy to be found in HeathRow. As Max Hastings says in the Guardian:

Greens greeted the Terminal Five opening fiasco with the same glee that would be inspired by news of a Japanese whale factory ship foundering off Kyushu. In the eyes of environmentalists, and more than a few people who just hate the airport, here was a massive poke in the eye for British Airways, the aviation lobby, Heathrow expansionists and lots of other people richly deserving of it.

But joy may not last long for the Al Goreans. The Express says that British Airways plans to sort out the backlog of 15,000 bags in Italy. Luggage is being despatched to the airline’s sorting centre in Milan.

Some bags may end up in Manila. But the bulk will arrive in Milan where the handlers will put them order: valuable bags will be placed in the back of a large unmarked white van; less valuable lined up in order of hideousness and thrown down a flight of stairs and jumped up and down upon until quite dead.

• Of course BA is a reputable outfit and bags will be handled with the kind of care afforded to a giant Panda’s reproductive organs.

Just a joke. As we say, there is much joy to be had in others’ misfortune…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)

Max Mosley’s Carry On Nazi Orgy

SIR Oswald Mosley, leader of the British Union of Fascists, would perhaps have approved of the footage of his son Max, enduring a “Nazi-style orgy” with five prostitutes, as is alleged by the News of the World.

Mr Mosely, president of the Federation Internationale de ‘l’Automobile, Formula One’s governing body, is pictured in a London “torture chamber” playing the role of concentration camp guard and inmate.

The Times says: “Speaking in German and brandishing a leather whip, he beat the women after allowing himself to be subjected to a humiliating inspection for lice and an interrogation in chains.”

Readers also learn that Mr Mosely is “understood to be pursuing legal action against the News of the World for breach of privacy”.

Taking the news in, it is hard to decipher what it is Mr Mosely has done wrong. His associate, bonzai-sized F1 supremo Benie Ecclestone says: “I’ve known him an awful long time. If somebody had told me this without the evidence I would have found it difficult to believe.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Dimitar Berbatov’s Unique Love

DANIELA Arnault says she had an affair that lasted two years with Tottenham Hotspurs’ Alice-banded striker Dimitar Berbatov.

In “I HAD IT OV WITH BERBA” Ms Arnault alleges: “I was in love with him. He made me feel like a princess. He’s well mannered and a real gentleman. We had a unique relationship.”

If the topless model and erotic dancer’s words are not enough, a second opinion can be sought via Elena Shtilianov, Berbatov’s fiancée at the time.

Something may have been lost in translation, and some Sun readers may wonder what “unique” means in Bulgarian?

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment

Daily Wail: More Stress For Stressed Mothers

THE Mail searches, scouring medical reports and research notes for news, and finally its quests bears dividends: “How a stressful pregnancy could cause problems for generations.”

Know that: “Women who become stressed in pregnancy risk passing on health problems to generations of unborn children.”

Stressed pregnant women should avoid stress lest the stress of stress cause distress to baby. Although the research is ongoing and we should stress that nothing has been proven…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)

Too Many A-Levels Students Failing Media Studies

THE Qualifications and Curriculum Authority says there has been a nine per cent rise in the number of successful appeals on A-level grades.

Students are given one week after their results are made known to appeal.

The Mail says “sob stories” are on the up. A Nick Seaton, part of the Campaign For Real Education, says the figures are “extremely shocking”.

Indeed, only nine percent. Given the popularity of media studies, we would expect a far higher number of sob stories, and a far higher rate of success.

Just today the Star says Paul Gascoigne is “recovering well from the hip replacement op that triggered his problems”.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Mind F*ck: Teen Maths Prodigy Sufia Yusof Is A Prostitute

SAYS a friend of Sufiah Yusof: “With her amazing brain she should be able to make money any way she wants.”

As it is, Miss Yusof, operating under the professional title Shilpa Lee, is working as a £130-an-hour prostitute in Manchester.

On hearing the news of the former child prodigy, who went up to Oxford (or is it down?) at 13, a Mail journalist is detailed the task of trawling escort web sites looking for the brainiest shag in town.

Success. And readers learn that Miss Yusof is a “very pretty size 8, 32D bust and 5ft 5 in tall”. She is available for bookings between 11am and 8pm every day.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13)

Botox And Lulu’s Arse About Face

“I’M through with Botox,” says Lulu in the Mail.

It’s time to move on. Or: “Itshgimegoomooogsooon.”

Says she, speaking through a translator: “I used to have Botox and thought it was fantastic at first… Too much of it makes your face immovable and it doesn’t actually help you look young.”

And then there is the unfortunate fact that botox sounds like “buttocks”, a coincidence that has caused many women to have a full arse graphed onto their faces.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Death By Ugg Boot

IF the columnist’s job is to see humour in all, consider: “Pals yesterday paid tribute to a mum killed by a train after catching her Ugg boot on the track.”

The Sun says Kelly Mack died when she went back to retrieve an Ugg boot that had become stuck in a cattle grid.

Ban the Ugg. It makes sense…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Pilot Mike Roberts: The Making And Unmaking Of A Tabloid Hero

MIKE Roberts is the Sun’s “HERO”. He’s the “CRASH PILOT” who “used his last moments to STEER his stricken jet away from flats and AVOID 20 youngsters playing in a park”.

But five die as the Cessana Citation aircraft crashed into Romery Close, Oprington, Kent. Mr Roberts is among the dead.

Grim news. But it’s not enough for the Sun which needs a hero. The accident investigation team have yet to ascertain what occurred, but the Sun knows.

“HOW DID WE NOT DIE?” asks the Mirror’s front-page headline. The Sun knows.

The Mirror hears the crew’s last transmission as a voice says: “We’re going in. We’re going in.” The aircraft is screaming like a “fighter jet”, the Mail hears it said. The Mirror hears the sound of a hurricane.

Patricia Harman has just returned home from a trip to Madeira. She looks at her home. “Oh my God,” she says. “A plane into the house.”

“It was either amazing flying or a pure miracle no one else was hurt,” says one eyewitness.

The Sun knows which.

With a hero it has a face to talk about tomorrow. Back in January, the pilot who crash-landed a British Airways Boeing 777 at Heathrow Airport was the hero.

By the weekend, captain Peter Burkill was pictured more than decade earlier cavorting with stewardesses.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (14)

Keith Richards Remembers

KEITH Richards is writing his autobiography.

“I can’t even remember yesterday,” says Keith. Adding: “You have to drag things out of your memory. Some of it you don’t want to remember and others you’ve totally forgotten, so you end up trying to put your life together again.”

Luckily, most of Keith’s life seems to be same day in day out. If he can nail what he did on day one – wake up; smoke refer; be as much unlike Mick Jagger as possible; tell a journalist how not in the least bit like Mick Jagger he is; sleep – he’s cracked it.

Anorak

Posted: 31st, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

How To Look Younger

“HOW YOU CAN LOOK TEN YEARS YOUNGER WITH ROSEMARY CONLEY,” says the Sunday Express.

No, not by standing alongside Ms Conley and so looking fitter and younger. Conley is a health and weight guru.

It’s by watching what you eat and exercising. And by taking vitamins, which the Sunday Express also advertises on its front page.

But if you really want to look young, why not wear a hood and look ten, 20, 30 years younger.

If you can equip your youthful look with a refer, a bottle of alcopops and someone else’s wallet, then so much the younger… 

Anorak

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)

Ban The Hood And Spoil The Child

“BAN THE HOOD FOR GOOD,” says the Express on its front page.

In the interests of freedom, democracy and all that makes this country what it is, the Express wants the Government to legislate against the wearing of hooded tops.

As such, we are surprised that today’s paper does not come equipped with a pair of Alan Titchmarsh garden shears with which right-minded Express readers can sever a youngster’s hood.

In scenes reminiscent of Beauty of The Beast, the hoodie’s hood is removed and the spell broken.

Magic, though, can only go so far, and while the lack of a hood will make the teen decent and whole again, it will not cure his teenage acne or make him more attractive to women under the age of 73…

Anorak

Posted: 30th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

A Free Organ With Every Sun Newsapper

“THIS PAPER COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE,” says the Sun’s front-page claim.

The paper is equipped with a free donor card, enabling a Sun reader to live on in the body of a recipient after he has been, say, run down looking at the Sun’s Dannii and considering her thoughts on the War On Terror.

Very soon the Sun will host the Innards Of Gold awards do and showcase those who have benefited from Sun readers’ donations.

Davina McCann will introduce Joan who has not been able to see since birth. Thanks to Sun reader Dave, a nightwatchman from Charteris, Joan now has two bulging eyes that never even blink.

Here’s Armani. Handless since a holiday to Abu Hamza’s adventure playground in North London, she now sports two new hands that though clammy make her ever indebted to Steve, an umemployed library assistant from Basildon.

And there’s Brendan, a boy who since accepting a kidney donation from Gary, a cab driver in Daventry, can process his own urine and thanks for “organ memory” finishes each and every sentence with the phrase “The country’s going to hell in a handcart”…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Hope Floats For Ant ‘N’ Dec’s Row Idol And The Sunken Boat Race

PAST the bell at Arling and Hobbs and down to river for the big one. In 179 years of the Varsity Boat Race, Oxford and Cambridge have featured in them all.

Some say this makes the Boat Race predictable and old fashioned. But we say it represents the future, and other sports, chiefly football’s Premier League could surely do worse than dispense with all teams other than the richest duo of Manchester United and decide who wins the league title on penalty shoot out, or, indeed, a boat race.

Of course, even then the title can be decided in the opening salvos.

As TV Boat Race commentator Peter Drury tells the Telegraph: “There have been some exciting, tight races, but there is always the possibility that by Hammersmith Bridge you know who’s won, and you still have 10 to 12 minutes to run. That’s what I’ve been preparing for. You can’t sit and watch those dead minutes and hear the commentator say, ‘that is X, a 23-year-old from X college, studying X…’.”

Indeed, not. You need to know the rowers height and weight, what pub the boat is passing and a hotline to Stephen Fry and Clive Anderson.

But enlivening the race can be tricky.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment