Daily Express: House Princess In Rothley And Stages Of Diana

THE Daily Express: friend of the McCanns, thanks to its generous donation; friend to Princess Diana, for its refusal to let her lie; and once more friend to home owners.

“HOUSE PRICES STILL ON THE RISE,” says the paper on its front page.

Phew. Now Andy and Brian will have something to talk about at the golf club’s wives invitational weekend special.

Stories on how property prices have risen in the Rothley area of Leicestershire, where the McCanns live, or anywhere Princess Diana trod, are being saved for slow news days…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, March 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Carla Bruni, Sakorzy And The Randy Tabloid Freebie

ROB Grainge writes for freebie London newspaper No.23891, The London Paper. He has interviewed Carla Bruni, Nicolas Sarkozy’s pleasure boat.

“Modelling is using the body and only the body”, says Bruni, interviews last year when she was another jobbing model-celebrity-singer.

Says Grainge: “And you have a beautiful one, I might add.”
“Thank you,” she stutters, laughing. I’m clearly a sleazebag. Professionalism is dwindling. She then compares making music to the process of attraction.

“When you’re attracted to someone, it’s hard to explain, you can say you’re attracted to this girl ’cause she is pretty, intelligent and charming…”

“You have all those qualities, Carla,” I interrupt to gush. “Thank you, I’m liking this interview very much,” she says. “You’re almost like an Italian man.”

The kind of Italian mum who pinches you goose’s your sister and lives with his mum.

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)

EastEnders’ Bianca Jackson Five

THE Jackson Five are impoverished, says the Star, or not, say two of the Jacksons.

To give its readers some kind of idea of what the Jacksons now look like, the Sun has an image of one Bianca Jackson, who lives in Walford, in London’s East End.

From left to right: Colin, Michael, Joe, Jackson Pollock and Samuel L. Jackson…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (3)

Losing It At HeathRow Airport

IT’S HeathROW Airport as Terminal 5 crashes and burns.

The debut is a “disaster” says the Sun on its front page.

The Mail takes it personally and leads with “TERMINAL DISGRACE – Luggage check-ins axed. Bags lost. Escalators paralysed. 34 flights cancelled… and it’s just Day One at the £4.3billion Terminal Five.” It’s a “national disgrace”.

Can Heathrow top that on Day 2?

And what coincidence that the turmoil occurs when French President Sarkozy is making his way home, or trying to? Is this all some dastardly plan to exact revenge on so many blockaded ferry ports, burning sheep and airport strikes that have done down the British traveller?

If it is, then passengers might be more forgiving, cheer, even.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comments (10)

Sarkozy Kisses Carla Bruni On The Pleasure Boat

MORE news on Nicholas Sarkozy and his wife Carla Bruni, France’s answer to Lembit Opik MP and his Cheeky Girl.

“JE THAMES,” puns the Sun, showing its readers a picture of the topless stunna and his girlfriend canoodling on a boat down the Thames.

“Over here, Kermit,” cry the tabloid paparazzi from the river bank. “Bombs away,” scream the schoolchildren from Westminster Bride as they give full throat to the entente cordiale.

Mrs Sarkozy is soon back on dry land. She is the Mail’s “lady in rouge”, which is Frenglish for Lady in Red, which is a song in which singer Chris de Burgh rhymes “dance” with “romance”.

France is Britain. And Britain is France. This is all “crazy”. The Independent looks on as “Britain went made for France’s first lady”.

Or as Le Parisien newspaper puts it in more sophisticated tones: “Les Anglais conquis par Carla” (The English charmed by Carla).

And of Mr Sarkozy, La Bruni’s little sultana?

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (6)

Jacksons Give Express Newspapers A Chance To Say Sorry

IT’S hard to say what Michael Jackson looks like now, but opinion formers and Jackson watchers suggest he could resemble a willowy blonde woman called Kate.

But it’s not Jackson who, as reported, is looking to insitgate legal unpleasantness against the Daily Star.

The Press Gazette reports that Jacko’s brothers Tito and Jermaine have instructed their lawyers to “take all necessary action” against the Express Newspapers title for “untrue and defamatory” allegations.

In “Jackson five hit the skids” the Star claimed that all five members of the hit band were not so financially well off. It was “another Daily Star showbiz exclusive”.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Must Know Stories About Trendy Vicars

HERE comes the god-awful trendy vicar.

The Rev Robert Harrison has written a book – Must Know Stories, contains retellings of ten Bible stories.

The modern vicar is a marketing man in dog collar (or God Tags) and turned-up black jeans. If Satan could devise a figure more likely to cause humanity to run screaming into his arms Anorak has yet to find it; and, yes, we’ve seen Anthea Turner and Noel Edmonds at work.

In his tome, Rob says Goliath was a celebrity binge drinker, Eve a sex-obsessed man-eater and Noah’s wife wants to kill him.

Says Bobby: “They should know them – not as a matter of religion but as a matter of cultural education. I wanted to write a book that tells the most important Bible stories in a way that relishes them rather than tries to make any particular religious point. After all, who knows what the point is?

Always good when a religious figure says religion doesn’t matter. It puts Anorak in mind of the patient asking his doctor if it hurts. “Only when I laugh,” says the doctor. “And when you’re screaming in agony for your damned, disbelieving soul”…

Anorak

Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)

Kerry Katona’s WAWR On Water

IT’S been a restless night for Kerry Katona’s fan.

Yesterday’s front-page news in the Mirror that Kerry might be suffering from pre-eclampsia – “which kills 10 mums and 1,000 babies every year” – was a shock.

But today the paper bring news that Kerry will not be the celebrity face of pre-eclampsia but more likely a spokesperson for Women Against Water Retention (WAWR). Tests show that Kerry has “severe water retention”.

Speaking from her hospital bed in Warrington, Cheshire, Kerry, 27, tells those spin doctors gathered about her bed: “When the midwife said what it could be, it was a huge worry. It’s such a relief to know the baby is fine and my little boy is doing really well.”

Kerry will now be on diet of neat gin to reduce her waters…

Anorak

Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)

Scaling The Heights: When Carla Bruni And Prince Philip’s Eyes Met

NICOLAS Sarkozy is sharing the platform (heels) with Her Majesty, Prince Philip and Carla Bruni.

La Bruni is not with Phil but the Guardian’s front-page picture of her looking at the Queen’s consort, a smile playing across her lips, suggests she longs to be. While Philip smiles broadly, Carla’s eyes sparkle. Sarkozy is looking into the camera, a man unnerved.

The Telegraph’s snips Sarkozy away and features only Phil’s noble profile and Bruni’s gaze. “Britain is enchanted by Madame Sarkozy,” says the Express on its cover. And Madame Sarkozy is enchanted by a Briton.

On the Times’ cover, Bruni is with Her Majesty, who is talking and pointing something out. But Carla has only eyes for Liz, her head a whirl of what hold this woman has over Philip, and how it can be slackened.

As the paper’s headline says: “When the Queen met Madame le President”. It’s a Lloyd-George-knew-my-father moment.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)

The Poker Playing Monkey

“DO chimps like to gamble?” asks the Mail.

“You bet they do.”

Indeed: “When given the choice between a safe bet and a high-risk and highstakes option, chimps will always choose the latter.”

The Mail says this means that chimps are the only members of the animal kingdom prepared to gamble.

The Mail is wrong, as anyone who has seen the footage of dogs playing cards knows.

And the Times says the bonobo monkey is also partial to a punt, albeit a safer bet than the chimps, say scientists at Harvard University.

This is all of interest for anyone who finds themselves sat with a table of monkeys and is uncertain how they will react to the flop.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment

Bombing For Earth Hour

EARTH Hour is almost upon us and Anorak has been making ready to switch off the electricity.

But how can you be certain to turn off all the electricity at the correct moment?

We’ve been spending the past six moths constructing a power station that will save energy by enabling us to turn everything off with the flick of single switch.

Should the switch fail, Anorak’s resident jihadist has volunteered to step into the planet-saving facility and blow it up.

But not everyone is prepared.

A spokesperson for GCHQ in Cheltenham tells the Mail: “We will be turning the car park lights off.”

To avoid accidents, and comply with health and safety regulations, drivers are required to turns their headlights on to “beam”…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment

Kerry Katona’s Spin Doctor Prays

KERRY Katona has been rushed to hospital.

Iceland, purveyors of frozen squirrels, can rest easy. Kerry is not the victim of a rogue Boozie Brownie, but a possible victim of pre-eclampsia.

“SAD KELLY RUSHED TO HOSPITAL,” says the Mirror on its front page, a cruel and unnecessary slight of a woman in troubled times.

Says Max Clifford Doctor of Spin: “We’re praying for her but only time will tell… We just hope it’s not pre-eclampsia.”

No second opinion of offered…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Heather Mills Campaigns For The Sunday Times Rich List

LADY Heather Mills “calls in the experts to prove Paul DOES have £800million”.

The Mail looks at the Sunday Times Rich List and sees it concur with Lady Mills’ opinion that rather than being worth £400million, as stated in court, Paul is worth £825million. Readers learn that a column of forensic accountants are on the job.

Dr Philip Beresford, who compiles the Sunday Times Rich List, says: “All I would say is that we were surprised that the valuation of the music rights and business assets were so low.

“Also we wonder what has happened to Linda McCartney’s money – she was worth some £150million when she died. Also the (McCartney) children all seem to have gone very quiet. They were bleating before about money.
“We were wondering whether he had given them some slabs of money first to keep them quiet and then to keep them off his balance sheet. We were certainly surprised by the figures.
“Obviously it is in the interest of his accountants and himself to keep the figure as low as possible.”

If McCartney is worth more, would Lady Heather’s divorce settlement be altered to reflect the change in circumstances?
And no less vitally, would any one bother to read the Sunday Times Rich List and believe a word it says…?

Picture 

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Rod Stewart’s New Fashion Line

GOOD news for anyone who wants to look like an anorexic 1970s London-based Scottish football hooligan: Rod Stewart is launching his own fashion range.

Thanks to synthetic fibre, no animals need to be slaughtered to get you in Rod’s leopard-skin look.

The Star says that “girls are bound to fall for his £2.50 Rod Stewart panties”.

No picture of said underwear is given, and Anorak has taken the liberty of trying to guess what they will look like, and thereby stoke the engine of excitement…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Lady Heather Mills’ Amputation Offer To Fiona Shackleton

MORE Lady Heather Mills insights in the Sun as the paper sees her Heathership make a “throat slashing gesture” in court at Paul McCartney’s “victorious divorce lawyer”, the wet-look Fiona Shackleton.

No comment from either party.

But some surprise that the gesture was not of a club pounding Ms Shackleton over the head in the manner of a fur harvester killing a seal pup.

As for the alleged knife gesture, we should note that Lady Mills is an expert in amputation and Ms Shackleton is in safe hands…

Picture: The Spine 

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

David’s Beckham’s Golden Boots And Centurion Chic

DAVID Beckham is to mark is 100th football match for England by equipping his footy kit with greaves and a feathered helmet. Football fans will also see Becks wearing his new range of Centurion Soccer Skirts (RRP £34.99).

Beckham’s self-promotion sees him returned to the squad for England’s game in Paris. No, not in Disneyland, but in the Stade de France, where Day-vid will play a French side in a friendly.

No sign of Mickey Mouse in these proceedings. This is the real deal, a fitting tribute to Beckham’s post-Manchester United career.

The Sun says Beckham will wear a pair of golden boots. A source tells the paper: “He’s an obsessive collector of football memorabilia and these boots will take pride of place in his collection.”

While other players may mark a career milestone with a signed shirt or cheery wave to the fans, Beckham collects his own boots and puts them in a museum.

Forget the tears, the largely ineffectual performances in three World Cups and two European Championships and look at the boots – so bright David can see his face in them…

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Dogs And Style With Danielle Bux

MORE news of Danielle Bux, BBC TV presenter and crisps enthusiast Gary Linker’s live-in lover.

The Star leads with a picture of Danielle (surely, Danii – ed) on all fours in her black bra and knickers combo.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Skidding Jackson Five Are The Osmonds Reformed

“JACKSON FIVE HITS THE SKIDS,” announces the Daily Star.

The paper leads with picture of the Jacksons in full 70s get up, doing that running-on-the-spot dance so beloved by dads at weddings and teenage girls now in their 40s.

That’s if it is really them and not one of the many Jackson tribute bands that now look more like the authentic Jacksons than the authentic Jacksons now do.

Going down the list the Star tells us that Marlon Jackson is filling shelves in a supermarket in San Diego, presumable not with his latest chart-topping CD.

Anorak

Posted: 26th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

UnChristian Plans To Teach Koran In Schools

“FURY OVER PLAN TO TEACH KORAN IN SCHOOL,” says the Express on its front page.

Before going on we should warn the Express that you can slander an entire people’s, and the blood libel has been used to facilitate the mass slaughter of Jews for some time. Although, they are unlikely to sue.

The “World’s Greatest Newspaper” did not rise to the fore by flinching in the face of legal niceties and continues to cock an ear to goings on within the National Union of Teachers’ staff room.

Amid the fugue of smoke, sexual tension and frustrated ambition, the Express hears words to the effect of: “State schools should be forced to open their doors to Islamic preachers teaching the Koran”.

This will of course lead to all sort of bother, specifically more inter-school fights, with the largely Koran-ignorant private school pupils shouldering their combined cadet force standard issue .22 rifles and aiming at the state school mob and their suicide bombs vests.

Also discussed is the move for all “religious schools – almost all of them Christian – should have to admit pupils from other faiths”.

The paper says Shadow Childrens’ Secretary Michael Gove “condemned the call”. He says: “Faith schools provide children with an excellent education because their distinctive ethos helps to instil good values and respect for others.”

Respect for others is one thing, but to have some Red Sea Pedestrian, Reincarnated Hindu goat or fat–eared Buddhist in the class is something desperately unholy and, lest it go unsaid, unchristian…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)

Amy Hothouse: Winehouse Extracts The Urine In Rotterdam

AMY WINEHOUSE has been offered more than £350,000 to appear at “the weirdest club in the world,” says the Sun.

No, not at Manchester City, rather Aryan Tieleman’s Rotterdam nightclub, Watt.
Says Tieleman: “It is as good as certain.”

Weird indeed to expect Winehouse to arrive on time. But it gets more far out, kids. Know that the club’s energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors. Toilets will be flushed by rainwater.
A cold snap and a lack of in-club excitement could cause the revellers to freeze to death. For such reasons, Tieleman’s is promoting Winehouse and not, say, An Evening With Anthea Turner or Celine Dion. Winehouse had best be on her game lest she bring on epidemic of hypothermia.

All in all, Watt sounds a lot like Glastonbury, only with working toilets.

And there are drugs. Says the Sun: “The club is set in the heart of the biggest drugs circuit in Holland. It is so out there that it might even shock Amy.”

That’s unlikely. And it seems all the more unlikely when the Sun also reports that Winehouse has been paid £500,000 to perform at Fendi’s new store opening, stood amid so many stick-thin models and their handlers…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Tory Councillor On Shannon Matthews And Sterilising People On Benefits

TORY councillor John Ward has been musing on his blog about Shannon Matthews and social engineering.

Mr Ward, a 58-year- old bachelor, wrote:

“This is yet another example of ‘Breakdown Britain’… “Children become just a means toward that end, and are of themselves of little if any further significance in this new society.

“I think there is an increasingly strong case for compulsory sterilisation of all those who have had a second (or third, or whatever) child while living off state handouts…
“With over-population being the root cause of so much that negatively impacts Planet Earth, the very last thing the world needs is to encourage excessive breeding.”

Mr Ward has backtracked a little. He says: “I’m half-blind and missed out a word, I should have written ‘consideration’. I’m sorry if it has caused any problems.”

And in any case, as the Mail notes, the whole idea was to get people to think about issues.

Mr Ward is not voicing an opinion, rather joining the debate. He may be saying something unpalatable, but his rhetoric owes more to New Labour than the Nazis.

Oh, yes, the Nazis.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (23)

Heather Mills Is Tony Blair’s Black Rod

MORE McCartney news in the Sun as the paper hears it emerge that “deluded Heather Mills lied that Tony Blair had offered her a peerage”.

No small shock to read that at the apogee of Cool Britannia, Tony Blair didn’t offer Lady Mills a knighthood, a job as Minister For All The Disabilities or the chance to use her spare leg as celebrity Black Rod as the state opening of Parliament.

Anorak cannot recall any offer being made, having spent the duration of Tony’s Cool Period with its hand over it eyes, fingers in ears singing the first verse to Cliff Richard’s seminal paean to youth, The Young Ones.

The Sun, though, was listening in wrapt awe, and hears how then plain Heather Mills was, as she claims, offered a “people’s peer” gong.

The claim forms a pivotal moment in ITV’s McCartney vs McCartney: The Ex Files.

On the show, Sunday Times writer Jasper Gerard, to whom she made the claim, says: “I was pretty gobsmacked that somebody who was essentially just a model and a bit of a part-time campaigner best known for being Paul McCartney’s girlfriend should be offered a peerage.”

The Sun says it’s all a lie.

But we can only say by way of defence that Tony was young and meant everything he said at the time…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

The Sun Was Hotter Jade Goody Was A Star

JADE GOODY has been involved in a “nightclub brawl”, or a “nasty catfight”.

A spokesperson for Jade later insisted “she had NOT been asked to leave the club”. Sun readers learn that “Jade was a victim of an unprovoked attack by another girl. She tried to defend herself and was not asked to leave.”

The Sun has the scoop; its news following the front-page thoughts of Omar Bakri and musings on McCartney and Mills.

It all adds up to the Sun’s nostalgia special. Very soon the paper will be published by a rheumy-eyed robot pressing F9 on the keyboard and creating an organ from bits of editions past…

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment

Omar Bakri Reminds Britain What We Khan Miss

OMAR Bakri, the gurning face of Islamic extremism, is back. And the Sun is very much relieved. There’s Bakri on the paper’s front page.

Bakri, though, is not returned in person. He’s not sat in his green Ford Galaxy, wiping away a tear dripped within his prescription glasses and screeching “Death to the UK!”, his words greeted with lusty cheers and pats on the back by one and all.

Bakri might be a wire-haired loon who praises death, but he’s our wire-haired loon. He’s the Tottenham Taliban. He’s the original mad mullah. Other than one-eyed, hook-handed, purple people eater Abu Hamza, can you name one other Islamic nutter who has earned not one but two nicknames?

Bakri is back in voice and spirit, speaking at a shopping precinct in Beirut. The pigeons and the Sun are all ears.

Bakri is calling Amir Kahn, the British boxer, an “ignorant deviant”.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)

Danielle Bux Gary Lineker’s Carbohydrates

DANIELLE Bux is Gary Linker’s lover.

Former air hostess Danielle, 28, is telling Hello! how she met the 47-year-old former England football and BBC TV presenter at a blind date meal in London.
Says Danielle, via the Sun: “I was surprised how much younger he looked than on TV. I was so nervous I could hardly eat – so he finished my pasta as I went to the loo.”

In the Mail, this anecdote is fleshed out: “I can eat what I want to a certain extent but my only rule is no carbs after 6pm. But then that goes out the window if we are out for dinner.”

Unless she’s out with Gary.

With Gary it’s the perfect match, a Match of the Day, even. He gets the energy-giving carbohydrates and she gets to stay slim.

The Mail says Miss Bux is a “lingerie model” but stops short of revealing her long term plans. Gary Linker models crisps.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello!, Tabloids | Comment (1)