Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Anorak Media Studies: How To Run A Tabloid Phone Poll
THE Sun says its phone lines were “bombarded” when it asked the question: “Is Paul Burrell or Heather Mills the bigger liar?”
With the votes in, the paper says 83 per cent of its readers think Mills is “No.1 for porky pies”.
But how many votes were polled?
Newspapers hold phone polls for the same reason that Saddam Hussein used to hold the occasional election – not to provide an objective measure of public opinion, but to see how close to 100% of the vote they could get.
That is why the questions are always more loaded than a 21-year-old George W Bush at a frat party…
- Is hanging too good for paedophiles?
- Do you want to be ruled by Brussels?
- Are bouncy British breasts better than saggy French baps?
Unlike Saddam, however, the papers never quite get the result they want – there’s always a few readers who misunderstand the question, dial the wrong number or are just plain bloody-minded.
And it only takes a few. The reason why most papers only publish the result in percentages is because it would be too embarrassing to admit that only a handful of people actually bothered to phone in.
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Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Danielle Lloyd Has A Taxi for Ashley Cole
DANIELLE Lloyd is offering Star readers a “free late–night trip home”?
And what’s more, a cab date with Dani features a free sausage and bacon breakfast bap served on a cardboard hot-plate with a sachet of sauce, as appropriate.
What more do you want after a night out of the raz?
So who’s up for it?
Ah, here comes one likely lad. What’s yer name, son?
“Cole… Ashley Cole…” Budge up, Dani…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Big Brother 9 Is TV Bird Flu
“BIG BROTHER GOES NUDE,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.
“Housemates forced to appear totally NAKED!” It’s “BARE BRUV.”
The Star goes on to talk of a “love loft” in which housemates can “get jiggy”.
Fans of the show – one and all – will recall the chicken coop, the pen in which good layers were harvested and bred.
In one series the birds contracted a disease and had to be contained.
Big Brother 9 – it’s TV bird flu…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Kerry Katona’s Wallpaper TV Challenge
KERRY Katona has once again leaned into the Priory Clinic’s revolving doors and moved within.
A spokesman for the face of frozen vegetables tells the Sun that her client is a “little down”.
Says a “source”: “She’s been locked away in her bedroom for days just staring at the wall – severely emotional and depressed.”
Kerry is, of course, featuring in Crazy In Love, a televised fly-on-the-wall docudrama about her life.
If you haven’t seen it, reports are that the show features Kerry sat in her bedroom for days just staring at the wall…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Suzanne Shaw And Jordan Are In The Thick Of It
WE like our celebrities to be a bit thick.
Sure, they make millions doing very little, but Jade Goody is an idiot, so too Jordan, Kerry Katona et al. If we can believe they are all thicker than Wayne Rooney’s neck the audience at home can feel unthreatened and better love them.
So here’s Jordan calling BBC Radio 5 Live DJ Richard Bacon Kevin. D’oh! And here’s Suzanne Shaw telling Sun readers: “I’m going to be honest. I’ve never heard either of these names before.”
Shaw, the Dancing On Ice queen, is replying to a question as to whether she prefers Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.
“You Shaw are dumb,” says the Sun. Says her “pal”: “Suzanne can be a bit dizzy about foreign affairs.”
Thankfully, geopolitical commentary does not form a part of pro-celebrity ice dancing. But one imagines that if it did, Suzanne would bone up and offer a full and frank opinion on the US presidential race, before tripping over her feet, smiling inanely and widening her eyes.
“Oops! Silly me!”…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Non-PC PC With Kelvin MacKenzie, Hardeep Singh Kohli And Lembit Opik
IT’S political correctness gone mad. IT’S the Non-PC PC story. It’s a literary genre in its own right.
Today Kelvin MacKenzie plays the game by listening to comedian Hardeep Singh Kohli calling LibDem MP Lembit Opik “Lemsip”.
Says MacKenizie in the Sun: “Lembit has an Estonian background and is therefore going to have an Anglo-Saxon name, in exactly the same way as Hardeep.”
Well, not exactly the same way. We are no experts on Estonian names, but Hardeep does sound more Asian in origin than Baltic.
Says MacFrenzie, who met both Hardeep and Lembit on the celebrity version of The Apprentice: “Supposing Lembit has referred to him as Hardup, then almost certainly there would have been a massive ‘race row’.”
Or not. MacKenzie says the unsayabale, Toothpik gives a watery smile and Hardeep gets a call to play Baron Hardup in Cinderella…
Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Madeleine Mcann: Express Newspapers Win, Robert Murat’s Tabloid Trial And Money
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
What irony in the McCanns winning £550,000 damages from the tabloid press, to whom they turned to keep their missing daughter Madeleine in the public eye. Thanks to the tabloids, Madeleine is big news once more. And with the money – notably the Star’s – get this – donation going to the Find Madeleine Fund, Express Newspapers have helped the search for the missing girl.
Meanwhile, the News of the World’s reward remains unclaimed. So is this a victory for Express Newspapers? Is the Express the tabloid that cares most?
FINANCIAL TIMES: “McCann libel payout cues media debate”
Lawyers and newspaper executives agreed on Wednesday that a £550,000 ($1.1m) payout by Express Newspapers to the parents of missing Madeleine McCann would temper tabloid behaviour. But not for long.
“WHY was Shannon laughing,” Sunday Express
Broadcaster Andrew Neil, former editor of The Sunday Times, said: “The Express got its come-uppance and I believe the editor should resign. But it is only the worst example…Whether that lesson will be heeded for long, I’m not so sure.”
Hunting Madeleine McCann And Robert Murat
A former tabloid editor, who also spoke on condition of anonymity, added: “It’s a disaster for them from a PR point of view, but I don’t think it will affect their circulation, certainly not the Star. It might make everyone more cautious, but I doubt that will last.”
DAILY MIRROR: “SHANNON STEPDAD HITS BACK – I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HER.”
THAT “Express apology – By Robert Shrimsley”
We now acknowledge there is no evidence whatsoever to support our theory that repeating this rubbish every day on our front page did in fact bring us any extra readers. We furthermore recognise that we should have stuck to the Diana inquest, given that she is dead and can’t sue.
Sun: “TWO British sisters have revealed they saw oddball Robert Murat lurking by the Portuguese holiday apartment from which Madeleine McCann vanished”
As an expression of our regret we are going to spend the next few weeks hounding Heather Mills in the hope this does the trick.
She’s blonde. So she’ll do.
Express front pages to look out for:
DIANA – IS SHE DEAD?
KATE McCANN – WE CANNOT APOLOGISE ENOUGH (every day)
ANTHEA TURNER – MY BLONDE HELL
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Posted: 20th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (770)
Ilja Gort And The Smell Of Money
THE money markets are in turmoil. And that means problems for journalists, who are never the best at maths.
In the Times, Dutch wine producer Ilja Gort has insured his nose for 5million euros, or £4million
In the Guardian Mr Gort’s nose is priced at £3.9million.
In the Mail, it’s drooped to £3.8million.
In the Express, Mr Gort’s hooter is worth just £3.5million.
“Every time I look in the mirror I feel rich,” says Mr Gort.
And so long as he doesn’t take any settlement in pounds, he should continue to feel fine…
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money, Tabloids | Comment
Captain Birdseye Has His Chips
JOHN Hewer, the man who played Captain Birdseye on TV for years, in those adverts for fish fingers has died.
Old Mr Anorak likes to think of a face when eating, whether it be Colonel Sanders for fried chicken, the frighteningly deformed Mr Kipling or Anthea Turner when contemplating a chocolate flake.
As such, he is now sown off fish finger, saying they remind him of his own mortality and of Old Mr Anorak The Elder lying in the cryogenic freezer compartment…
NOTE: In 1971, The Times featured an obituary for Captain Birds Eye. He returned in 1974. Chin up, shipmates…
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Making Sweaters From Loved Ones And Dogs
WHEN Kara and Penny died, they left behind a little of themselves on the carpet of Beth and Brian Willis’s home.
Whooa! This is no tale of murder most foul. It is a tale of two dogs, albeit with human names. We are a nation of dog enthusiasts but not all dog deaths are investigated by the police. The world of vets has to produce a Harold Shipman. Not yet.
What Kate and Penny left behind was hair. And Beth and Brian set about combing it from their carpet. They spun it. And they turned the yarn into jumpers.
Says Brian: “They are extremely warm and pretty much waterproof. Unless it is banging it down it is fine. I’ve always got a sweat on by the time I get from the bus to the shops.”
Indeed, it cannot be easy keeping up with your jumper at 73-years-of-age, should the garment have retained elements of the creature’s personality. And then there is the tail chasing, sniffing and urinating.
A picture of Beth and Brian in the Sun shows her to be a woman with workable grey hair and Brian to possess a goatee beard.
There is every reason to believe that should one of them perish – be run over by car, say – the other can kept he love alive in the form of a hat or lined vest…
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Peta Has Not Time For Heather Mills
“PETA thinks Heather Mills will never again be taken seriously.”
No, not People for Ethical Treatment of Animals – Peta, the Sun’s Page 3 stunna.
“The judge’s ruling shows her up for what she really is, says Peta, who would rather go topless than wear fur…
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Gordon Brown Is Victor Kiam Channelling Gerald Ratner
“GORDON Brown today gives Britain his personal guarantee he will save the nation from financial meltdown.”
The guarantee is not for all time, and a glance at the small print, and a look at the opinion polls, shows that it will be voided at the next general election. There is also no money back guarantee and if the economy breaks you cannot have a new one.
This is Gordon Brown’s “special vow”. This Gordon Brown doing his impression of Victor Kiam when everyone else is sounding like Gerald Ratner.
He “urges the nation to put its faith in him”. If we all believe enough, we can make it. You just have to believe.
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Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Money, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Lady Heather Mills: The First Beatle On Trial
WHEN Lady Heather Mills hatched from a phoenix egg, many knew she that young Penny Lane, as she was then known, would achieve greatness.
Princess Diana’s unforgivable envy of Lady Heather was hurtful but would not stall the girl many were already calling the First Beatle.
Today Lady Heather appears on the nation’s front pages as a beacon of what you can become if you have talent, drive and an open heart.
“LADY LIAR,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “JUDGE SAVAGES FANTACIST HEATHER,” says the Express on its cover. “PONOCCHIO,” says the Sun.
This is the Mail’s front page “DAMNATION OF HER LADYSHIP”. The paper says Heather’s reputation is “shredded”.
It all depends, of course, on what Heather’s reputation once was and is. “Judge accuses her of blatant make believe,” says the Mail.
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Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Madeleine McCann: The Star ‘Donates’ To The McCanns, The Express Apologises And Sue Carroll Explains
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
DAILY EXPRESS: “Kate and Gerry McCann: Sorry”
The Express once more has the disappearance of Madeleine McCann on its front page. No picture of the missing blonde child. Not now. Instead, readers see a picture of her parents looking pained.
Read more here.
And how Anorak broke this story.
The Daily Express today takes the unprecedented step of making a front-page apology to Kate and Gerry McCann.
We do so because we accept that a number of articles in the newspaper have suggested that the couple caused the death of their missing daughter Madeleine and then covered it up.
We acknowledge that there is no evidence whatsoever to support this theory and that Kate and Gerry are completely innocent of any involvement in their daughter’s disappearance.
We trust that the suspicion that has clouded their lives for many months will soon be lifted.
As an expression of its regret, the Daily Express has now paid a very substantial sum into the Madeleine Fund and we promise to do all in our power to help efforts to find her.
Kate and Gerry, we are truly sorry to have added to your distress.
We assure you that we hope Madeleine will one day be found alive and well and will be restored to her loving family.
The paper paid the money into the find Madeleine Fund, or the paper paid the money to the McCanns – as the law decreed it should – and it is they who have chosen to pay it in to the Find Madeleine Fund?
Anyhow, at least the sensation is now at an end.
DAILY STAR: “KATE & GERRY MCCANN: SORRY”
The Daily Star today makes a wholehearted apology to Kate and Gerry McCann for stories suggesting the couple were responsible for, or may be responsible for, the death of their daughter Madeleine and for covering it up. We now recognise that such a suggestion is absolutely untrue and that Kate and Gerry are completely innocent of any involvement in their daughter’s disappearance.
As an expression of our regret we have now made a substantial donation to the Madeleine Fund in the hope that it helps efforts to find her.
We sincerely apologise for any additional distress we have caused the family.
THE SUN: “McCann rage at Maddie book claim”
A FORMER Portuguese police chief has angered Madeleine McCann’s parents by claiming in a novel that the toddler is dead – and her body dumped at sea.
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Posted: 19th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (645)
Madeleine McCann: Four Newspapers To Pay McCanns Damages
NEWS is that the Daily and Sunday Express and sister papers the Daily Star and Daily Star Sunday will pay a “substantial” sum and print front-page apologies to Kate and Gerry McCann, parents to Madeleine McCann.
This story was broken by Anorak.
Kate and Gerry McCann’s lawyers says that some of the newspapers’ articles were “grossly defamatory”.
All damages will be donated to the Find Madeleine fund.
The Daily Express is to carry a full front-page apology in Wednesday’s paper, while the Star’s apology will take over half its front-page. The papers are expected to apologise for suggesting Kate and Gerry McCann were involved in their daughter’s disappearance. The action relates to more than a hundred stories across the four titles, including 42 printed in the Daily Express.
Says Roy Greenslade:
“I think this is an amazing stand-down, u-turn, by the Express newspapers. I think when people realise that more than 100 stories have been complained about as being grossly defamatory, it will annihilate the Express’ readers sense of trust and credibility in their newspaper.”
THE GUARDIAN: “Express and Star apologies to McCanns bring all journalism into disrepute”
Five days ago, when it emerged that the group had removed all its McCann stories from its websites, I gave some examples of the tendentious, and often mendacious, material the Daily Express had been running. Over the weeks and months since May last year, when Madeleine vanished in Portugal, they added up to a substantial libel on the McCanns.
Five days… Sureley longer than that, Mr Greenslade. February 22nd.
This was no journalistic accident, but a sustained campaign of vitriol against a grief-stricken family. The stories were not merely speculative, but laced with innuendo which continually made accusations against the McCanns on the basis of anonymous sources and without any hard evidence.
Indeed.
Wild claims, often made by unattributed sources to Portuguese newspapers, were then spun even more negatively by the Express and Star titles. Of course, they were not the only papers to carry prejudicial material, but they were by far the worst.
I am delighted that the papers, owned by the pornographer Richard Desmond, have been forced to humble themselves. I only wish the McCanns had acted even faster, but no blame should attach to them. Their major concern has, quite naturally, centred on their missing daughter.
A single fact: Madeleine McCann is missing. And speculation, sensation and innuendo. Anorak has followed the case from the outset – a voracious media feeding frenzy.
But, taking into account that other papers have also carried inaccurate and inappropriate stories about the story, it is also a day in which many British journalists have cause to hang their heads in shame.
Did the Express titles go to such lengths, eschewing all ethical standards, purely to win sales? If they did, it didn’t show up in their circulation figures because all four titles have lost sales over the past nine months. Or was it, as I suspect, less calculating, a case of casual cruelty rather than premeditated sales-building? It’s hard to know which is worse.
The disappearance of Madeleine McCann
Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (79)
Dog Day Afternoons For Coco And Merlin
AS is the way of such thing, Eliot Pauline Styler Sumner, daughter to popstar Sting and wide Trudie Styler, is to becoming a model.
She is to star in new campaign for chavtastic brand Burberry alongside Bryan Ferry’s son Merlin.
The Mail says she is also at the centre of a “bidding war” to sign her up as a singer.
Life is good for multi-talented Eliot Pauline Styler Sumner, who we are told answers to the name Coco.
Indeed, dear reader, it would seem the world of celebrity is run along similar lines to Crufts, with the sons and daughters of pedigree dogs and bitches competing in various classes under pet names.
Look out for Coco advertising products for shiny hair, nutritious food, and being mated with the aforesaid Merlin…
Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Sarah Roscoe, The Facebook Republican Army And Group Sex On The Washing Machine
FOR those Mail readers who did not see the picture of teenage party hostess Sarah Roscoe in her dominatrix outfit, the paper publishes the image once more.
In “Rebelled: the secret internet society wanting to destroy YOUR teenager’s party”, the Mail looks at a secret teenage society, and Miss Roscoe.
Those who did see yesterday’s image, and failed to save it to their wallet, are advised to take more care cutting it out and wait until their hand has stopped shaking.
They should not read of group sex on a washing machine,(?!), The Facebook Republican Army – a shadowy band of gatecrashers featuring at least one plumber called Sean O’Brien – a “raped” house, condoms, nor visit Miss Roscoe’s Bebo page and see another picture of her dressed as a nun in suspenders and stilettos.
Mail readers should turn back one page and read Roy Hattersley’s piece: “The joys of dancing with daffodils…”
Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann: A Source Says, Shannon Matthews And Down Under
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
THE SUN: “Maddie picture was ‘a mistake’”
MISSING Madeleine McCann’s parents yesterday blasted claims that releasing a photo of her had led to her death. Publishing the image may have “panicked” a kidnapper into killing her, said a legal source in Portugal. It was also claimed that Portuguese prosecutors now believed her body would NEVER be found.
A legal source?
The source said: “An abductor felt trapped and got rid of her. The parents may have contributed to this story having an unfortunate ending.”
A source says and the Sun reacts. Contact the usual sources.
Says the McCanns’ spokesman Clarence Mitchell: “They don’t believe Maddie is dead.”
THE HERALD: “Why Shannon’s welfare is the only priority”
Is it? And what has it to do with Madeleine McCann?
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Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (556)
Water Show As Lady Heather Mills’s Baptism Fiona Shackleton
LADY Heather Mills is the star of “Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca’s lawyer Shacka.”
So says the Sun on its front page. Or as the Mirror has it: “WET IT BE.”
Lady Heather Mills, The First Beatle, Goes Bea Class
With the unpleasantries over, Lady Heather is said have picked up a glass of water and tossed it over Paul’s lawyer, one Fiona Shackleton.
Heather, patron saint of get-along mums, says Shackleton has been “baptised in court”. With Mother Theresa now passed over, the world looks to the woman the nun most envied, Lady Heather, for spiritual guidance.
But what of Shackleton, the woman whom the Times says saved her client about £100million?
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Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (22)
David Beckham’s Death And Life By Numbers
DAVID Beckham has a new tattoo.
It’s a swirl of letters that is said to mean: “Death and life have determined appointments. Riches and honour depend upon heaven.”
Had Beckham been born with such a birthmark, we would look on him in awe, wrapt in his heavenly majesty. Instead, we look on whim with…
But Beckham is of flesh and blood and looking at the swirling pattern, what an insider terms the “brush-stroke effect” (Chinese italics) we wonder if this new motto is masking a blemish, a broken vein or an enlarged pore?
It might be that as Beckham ages he becomes more coloured in, veins turned into vapours of mystic force, stretch marks morphed into the The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock?
You don’t so much look at Beckham as study him – which is unusual for a man who has said how much he hates reading…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Shannon Matthews: Bratz, Mystic Babies And Sir Norman Bettison
SHANNON WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews
Shannon Matthews has been in the care of the local authority since she was found. The media had a few hours to speculate and focus on Shannon “what ifs” but now the shutters are down. The man has been charged and will appear in court today.
DAILY MAIL: “Don’t let Shannon go home because her mother’s not ‘ready’, say her grandparents”
You can always interview the family.
“We just don’t want Shannon going back to that house. She can stay with us,” said the nine-year-old’s grandfather Gordon Matthews. “I don’t think that Karen and Craig are ready to look after her properly. While all this has been happening, we had Shannon’s brother and sister staying here with us and they were both so happy – they didn’t want to go back.”
Wonder why? Let’s speculate…
He and his wife June are fearful that Shannon, who is in foster care after her 24- day abduction ordeal, could soon be back at home. Mrs Matthews, 64, added: “I have been thinking of Shannon going back to Karen. It’s just not right. Karen was a great mum before she took Craig in. Since he arrived they’ve had a terrible life.”
Craig Meehan is innocent. Why mention him?
Mr Matthews added: “Craig is like a tiny child. He’s so immature. He rings Karen all the time on the phone, literally 20 times a day.”
Maybe it’s love? Maybe Karen Matthews likes children?
“Karen is like a taxi service for him. She picks him up and drops him off everywhere. I have never liked him and I don’t want Shannon going back to her mother while he is around, you just wouldn’t want him looking after your child.”
DAILY MIRROR: “SHANNON WILL STAY WITH COPS”
Shannon Matthews will not return to her mum and stepdad but will be looked after by specialist carers. Police chief Sir Norman Bettison confirmed that the nine-year-old will not be going home just yet to Karen Matthews, 32, and 22-year-old Craig Meehan for the moment.
Norman Bettison. West Yorkshire’s leading copper. After listening to the grandparents, listening to Norman is the next story. Prepared to update the Wikipedia entry, sir!
Says Sir Norman B-E-T-T-I-S-O-N: “She is safe. She’s well. She’s in the place where we think that she’s safest at the moment.”
He singles out Detectives Paul Kettlewell and Nick Townsend who refused to leave when they got no answer at a flat where neighbours said they could hear a child’s footsteps. They watched the front and back entrances and called for a battering ram. They broke down the door and discovered Shannon.
Says Chief Constable Sir Norman: “I think it is amazing and I think it is a question of pride for me that they started to make inquiries of the neighbours. Given this was the 700th action they had undertaken since the start of the investigation…
“It’s been phenomenal and it’s been unprecedented [“You’ve already used ‘amazing’ sir!] and let me tell you where I’m standing it’s been entirely professional. It’s painstaking methodical work.”
Of his officers: “They’re special people, extraordinary people doing an extraordinary job.”
Wikipedia: Sir Norman Bettison the Amazing, phenomenal, extraordinary, unprecedented…
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Posted: 18th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (94)
Teens Trashed At Sarah Roscoe’s Devon Bash
MEET Sarah Roscoe whose 18th birthday party attracted 2,000 gatecrashers.
Sarah is the Mail’s front-page “party girl whose mansion home was trashed”.
We’ve been here before.
Inside and readers get to see hostess Sarah in her dominatrix outfit. Sarah, we learn, attends Torquay Grammar School.
The BBC reports that the party at Colehayes Park, Bovey Tracey, was stormed after details were put on the web and Pete Tong’s R1 show. The BBC said the name and address of the venue had not been specified. During the Radio 1 item Pete Tong stated: “We’re getting ready for a huge mansion party – 500-plus people going – it’s in Bovey.”
Meanwhile Mail readers are invited to clack their marmalade-coated tongues and stare at the awful image of a young woman dressed in a kinky outfit. And stare some more. And some more. If only the image had a perforated edge it would be easy to rip out and carry about in wallet to whip out and hammer home the point about Britain going to hell in a handcart. As it is Mail readers need make do with scissors and guile.
And eyes turn to Rebecca Brook, Sarah’s mother.
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Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Beware The Talking Dentist
“DENTISTS who can’t speak English ‘put patients in peril,” says the Mail.
Readers may argue that all dentists put all patients in peril, chiefly when they stick a drill in your mouth. Peril is what dentists are best at.
But not all pleased. Says Michael Summer of the Patient Association: “We receive lots of complaints about dentists whose English is extremely poor and who are difficult to understand. This can lead to errors and mistakes.”
It turns out, though, that the dentists who cannot speak England are not British born but foreigners. This is not indictment of our education system and how easy it is to becoming a dentist by learning the language of dentistry parrot fashion.
It is well known fact that dentists need only master three phrases in English:
“Going somewhere nice on holiday?”
“A6…missing”
“Rinse”
The reply is always the same: “Guggluphug.”
Next!
Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12)
Valentine Warner Tells You What To Eat Now
MEET Valentine Warner, the man the Mirror heard called the “Russell Brand of the kitchen”.
Warner is the new face of the BBC celebrity chef series What To Eat Now, in which a TV chef places his food before the nation and tells them they must eat it all up or else they can’t go out and play.
But would you want to eat food prepared by man so dubbed? This is Brand, the priapic BBC presenter with the backcombed hair, author of the masturbatory memoir My Booky Wook.
That’s him serving you your TV dinner…
Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Win A Date With Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes
In “CHANELLE” I need a man and it could be YOU”, Big Brother starlet Chanelle Hayes advertises herself on the Star’s front page.
To win Chanelle, readers are invited to answer not one, not two, but three questions.
Anorak put the questions to the typing pool and accounts team, and now features the top answers for each.
Can you do better? Answers go towards a GCSE in Big Brother Studies:
Q1. My perfume’s called Mwah!. If you were a perfume what would you be called and why?
A. Forgotten. One squirt of Forgotten and you struggle to remember whatshername from Big Brother. Also available in a men’s fragrance and room deodoriser.
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Posted: 17th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
