Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Bruce Springsteen Murder
“I MEAN who in the hell doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen, for God’s sake?” asks Karen Lee Cooper.
The question is turns out is rhetorical as Karen concludes: “I just picked up the knife and I went ‘boom’.”
The question might be: “I mean who in the hell doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen enough to kill him?” Murder is the ultimate fan tribute, the sacrifice that entwines singer with their No.1 fan for all time.
“Springsteen, Bruce,” say the books of record, “killed by Cooper, Karen Lee by exploding knife.” You’ll be a pub quiz answer before the ambulance arrives. No Springsteen fan will be able to pick up a knife without hearing a small explosion in their heads.
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Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann And Shannon Matthews: Paul Routledge’s Media Debate
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
DAILY MIRROR: “Class snobs taint hunt for Shannon”
Paul Routledge says: “Her stepfather Craig Meehan is right to say that being working-class is a factor in this case.”
Shannon Matthews went missing because she is from a working class family?
Compare the treatment of Shannon with the hype surrounding the disappearance of Madeleine McCann in Portugal last year. It pays to be middle-class when your daughter vanishes.
How? Madeleine McCann has not been found. How does losing a child pay? The Mirror told us it was the biggest manhunt since the Yorkshire Ripper? Is the police effort not as important to solving a mystery as the media’s comments on it?
Huge sums of money flooded into the campaign to find Maddy. Spin doctors, including former TV newscaster Clarence Mitchell, were hired to manipulate the media.
The McCanns, young, smartly-dressed, articulate and professional, became overnight celebrities. They flew to America, Scandinavia and to Rome where they met the Pope. In contrast, Shannon’s mother Karen and her partner have been treated almost like lepers.
A snooty BBC radio interviewer was keen to find out if she had had seven children by six fathers.
Seven children by six fathers… Why does Mr Routledge find a need to repeat that fact? If the McCanns have a spin doctor does it matter if the press refuse to listen to him, decline to repeat his words?
Routledge writes in the Mirror, the paper that in the maw of the McCann feeding frenzy told us of “creepy” Robert Murat and placed a yellow ribbon on its masthead. No ribbon now. Not for Shannon Matthews.
He says: “God grant they find her safe and well. But this case brings to the surface some unpalatable facts that many would prefer not to face.”
No kidding…
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Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (1,097)
What Does Patrick Swayze Fear Most?
PATRICK Swayze has cancer. The Mirror shows its readers a picture of Swayze smoking a cigarette. “SO SAD SWAYZE,” says the headline.
In the list of things to fear, cancer is right up there. A poll of the Anorak typing poll revels the things we’ fear most:
5. Burning
4. Being trapped inside an unbreakable greenhouse with only the collected works of Paul Burrell for company
3. Being trapped inside an unbreakable greenhouse with Paul Burrell for company
2. Cancer
1. Losing all facial features in a collision with Anthea Turner’s flymo
But Anthea Turner’s lawn is not in its summer bloom. So Swayze it is. Says the Mirror: “Cig in mouth, the Dirty Dancing heart-throb is ravaged by cancer.”
Swayze is “DANCING WITH DEATH”. His partner is Big C.
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Posted: 14th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (31)
Global Warming And Those Floods
LAST year, Gloucestershire became the Venice of the North and everyone in Tewkesbury got a river view. The Independent was certain as to what had brought about this wondrous event:
In “England under water: scientists confirm global warming link to increased rain”, Michael McCarthy, Environment Editor, wrote:
It’s official: the heavier rainfall in Britain is being caused by climate change, a major new scientific study will reveal this week, as the country reels from summer downpours of unprecedented ferocity.
More intense rainstorms across parts of the northern hemisphere are being generated by man-made global warming, the study has established for the first time an effect which has long been predicted but never before proved.
NOw in 2008, the Daily Mail reports in “Freak rain, not global warming, blamed for last year’s devastating £3bn floods”:
The devastating floods that deluged Britain last summer were not caused by climate change, contrary to the claims of politicians and green campaigners, scientists have said.
A major new study says there is no evidence that the “exceptional river flooding” – which caused more than £3billion damage and left thousands homeless – was anything other than a freak “100- to 200-year” event.
And while temperatures have risen in England over the last few decades, there is no proof that flooding in the summer or winter is more common, the researchers added.
No proof. None at all…
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Express Newspapers And The McCanns
THE Guardian notes on the Express Newspapers:
A spokesman for Express Newspapers declined to comment on the removal of the articles from the company’s websites.
The Express once featured the Madeleine McCann story on its front page. Not any more.
An email from the Daily Express online editor, Geoff Marsh, quoted on the website anorak.co.uk, said: “For operational reasons, some articles previously available on express.co.uk have been temporarily removed. I’m afraid I can’t go into any more detail.”
Carter-Ruck partner Adam Tudor, who is representing the McCanns, told MediaGuardian.co.uk last week that the complaints against Express Newspapers were ongoing.
However, it is thought the case could be settled imminently.
What will happen when the matter is settled?
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (439)
Treffly Coyne And Killing Kids In Cars
“I AM talking tens of thousands of people who leave their kids in the car for any period of time all around America,” says Janette Fennell, founder and “president” of Kansas-based Kids and Cars. “People don’t appreciate the dangers of leaving a child alone in the car.”
And we must. So must American mother Treffly Coyne who is due in court after a community service officer spotted her sleeping 2-year-old daughter alone in the family vehicle. Mrs Coyne had taken her two older daughters to donate money Salvation Army collection box.
So what are the dangers, Janette? A look her website tells us some of the dangers children are exposed to:
• Being inadvertently backed over in a driveway or parking lot
• Being left in a vehicle where the temperatures can reach deadly levels in minutes
• Knocking the vehicle into gear and setting the vehicle into motion
• Strangulation by a power window, sunroof or power accessory
• Being taken by a stranger in the course of a car theft
• Hopping into a car trunk during an innocent game of hide-and-seek
• Carbon monoxide poisoning
• Finding matches that set the car aflame
• Leaving the vehicle alone to go to the bathroom, or to go looking for you
• Being kidnapped from the vehicle
“KIDS AND CARS’ mission is to assure no child dies or is injured in a non-traffic, motor vehicle related event.”
The ways to achieve this are twofold:
1. Do not allow children into cars
2. Kill all children.
Reading Janette’s site we acknowledge that Plan 1 is a pipe dream and Plan 2 is well advanced.
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (12)
The Daily Wail
A SELCTION of headline news from the paper of doom:
Toddler run over and killed after pensioner’s foot slips onto accelerator by mistake
Methadone overdose kills girl, 3, after junkie mother gives her drug ‘to make her sleep’
‘Gentle giant‘ stabbed to death in front of children by yob while trying to break up neighbour row
British shire horse faces extinction thanks to French cousin
Mystery of six-year-old boy’s sudden death as he played with friends at school
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Proof That Short Men Are Insecure
ASKS the Mail: “Is this the PROOF that short men feel insecure?”
The Mail says scientists “may finally have proof for the ‘short man syndrome’ – the phenomenon where tiny men overcompensate for their lack of height through acts of aggression.”
Examples given are Napoleon Bonaparte, Benito Mussolini, Ant ‘n’ Dec (Mail), Dudley Moore (Mirror, Telegraph) and Prince (Metro – Prince is well-known for being short”).
A new scientific study at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands “has shown that shorter men are more likely to be jealous husbands and boyfriends than their taller counterparts”.
We will not go into the brainiac details, other than to say the research involved the Eindhoven Pistons basketball team eyeing up (module 1), chatting up (module 2) and shagging (module 3) the wives and significant others of short men.
The experiment is then repeated with the basketball players wearing shoes on their knees…
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Paul Burrell Is Attached To An Icon
PAUL Burrell is the Rock, appearing in furniture shop in Memphis, Tennessee.
The Sun sees him. He sees the Sun: “This is what happens when you are attached to an icon. You get followed wherever you go and people take your picture. That’s why I’ve come to live in America — the greatest country in the world because that doesn’t happen in America.”
Britney Spears nods. The Paul Burrell revelations keep on coming.
Says Burrell: “I tell it as it is, I tell it straight — that’s who I am, I can’t change who I am. I tell it as it is and some people don’t like that but I am telling the truth, just the truth.”
If people don’t want to hear that the late Prince Margaret told him in confidence that he was the son she always wanted, and truly had, then so be it. If they don’t want to hear that the Queen Mother would blush at the mention of Omar Sharif and carry in her pocket a picture of Dodi Fayed, then that it is not his problem. And if he did look at Diana’s notebook and see that she had written his name ‘King Paul’ and encircled it in a crown, then the truth does out.
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney Spears’ £2million Dubai Sand Dance
BRITNEY Spears will now dance for you.
To the Two Million Pound A Pint Bar in Dubai, where Britney Spears is performing an “erotic dance for the Arabs”, or “leering sheikhs”.
The assignment is at the behest of “Pakistani-British immigrant Sheeraz Hasan, who founded Spears-tastic pap-arazzi agency Hollywood.tv with the backing of investors for His Highness of Dubai”.
It was business that came out of an epiphany. Hasan was on his hajj to Mecca. He stopped for a bottle of water. He saw a newspaper. One it was cover of was a picture of Britney.
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Shannon Matthews: No Portuguese Police, Class And Trial By Media
SHANNON Watch – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Shannon Matthews
THE SUN: “How could she just vanish?”
The absence of any clues is not for the want of looking. In contrast to the bungling by Portuguese police in the early days of Madeleine McCann’s disappearance, the hunt for Shannon by West Yorkshire police has been textbook.
Good news. The British police are not Portuguese. They have not found Madeleine McCann. The British police have not found Shannon Matthews. Any idea what has happened to Shannon?
Yet someone MUST know something. And fingers have been pointed.
Whispers.
Nearly 1,400 convicted sex criminals live within 25 miles of Shannon’s home and police will be quizzing them all.
And they are the ones the Sun knows of. Are the all paedophiles? The Sun does not say.
Even more attention has focused on Shannon’s fractured and extended family, some of whom have made clear their dislike of stepdad Craig.
Fact: “Mum Karen has seven children by five different men.”
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (19)
Sienna Miller Pipes Rhys Ifans Aboard
“THERE SHE BLOWS,” toots the Star’s front-page headline, looking on as Sienna Miller pipes Rhys Ifans aboard a boat.
This may be part of Miller’s new diet. There may even be a workout DVD in the pipeline.
Says the Mirror: “Happy and relaxed, Sienna Miller frolics in the sea and snogs boyfriend Rhys Ifans on holiday in Mexico.” The paper notes that the pair “cuddled”.
The Mirror is a family newspaper, ignoring the X-rated, sticking to the more family-focused lead news of racing from Cheltenham and “SUICIDE COP’S SECRET LOVERS”.
The Sun just stares. “Didn’t think I’d ever be Sienna bum,” says the paper’s Gordon Smart, who has now lived the dream.
He then shows his readers a letter signed by Rhys Ifans.
It’s lovely isn’t it. Sienna’s got lovely valleys, she has. Not a bad bum either.
A lot of fellas are saying how can a fat bloke like me pull Sienna. Very ’arsh. That don’t makes no sense. I’m a sex machine me – just look at that six-pack.
I reckon she’s fair game, she is. When she’s finished her John Grisham book I’m going to tries and snog ’er – you knows what I’m saying.
That detail on the Grisham book makes us wonder if this might be Smart’s stab at parody. But then we see the pictures and see the John Grisham book lying by Ifans’ side.
Could that letter really be from Rhys Ifans? In the context of Gordon’s Smart’s column, it would make more sense if it were. Because if you believe it is all true, you can believe someone like Smart exists.
And that the Sun has bothered to make him up…
Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Scarlett Keeling: The Good Life, The Wrong Life And Judging Fiona MacKeown
SCARLETT KEELING WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Scarlett Keeling
Scarlett Keeling has been raped and murdered in India. Two men have been arrested. But the story is of the girl’s mother, Fiona MacKeown, who is to be judged in the media.
DAILY MAIL: “The truth about ‘Good Life’ of murdered teenager Scarlett Keeling”
The truth? Does the Mail know what happened to Scarlett Keeling, who killed her?
An empty milk bottle, tie-dye sheets pinned over the window instead of curtains, discarded black bin liners and a sleeping bag on the floor, and the contents spewing carelessly from a chest of drawers. On top of them the remnants of a lost childhood – a plastic duck and young girl’s jewellery box.
As these pictures show, this is the squalor in which Scarlett Keeling was being raised. It is a million miles from the fantasy world of a wholesome family upbringing painted by her mother Fiona MacKeown in the past two weeks.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
A mother grieves. Fiona MacKeown wants justice. And the Mail looks at her home. There are pictures of caravans. But no Caravan Club of Great Britain stickers. Not here.
She described their family’s life on a small-holding in Devon, where they grew their own food and kept their own chickens, as a perfect example of The Good Life.
The Good Life, that middle-class dream of nice-looking eco-warriors and self-sufficiency in the suburbs, where the childless erudite couple make their own wine, cheese and gentle humour from their land. They are the rebels. Fiona MacKeown is something else:
She has nine children born to five different men, none of whom plays a day-to-day roll in their upbringing; the family’s only discernible income is from state benefits; her older children, educated largely at home, drink and, in Scarlett’s case, take drugs; and her eldest son, just 19, was left behind in Devon only to break his neck in a mystery car accident currently being investigated by British police.
A dead girl. A caravan. Children. A car accident. “Naivety or negligence? Some would argue that that question goes to the heart of not just this sorry tale but Fiona’s lifestyle in the round.” The Mail is brought to you by the Non-Sequitur Society Of Great Britian.
Yesterday her remaining children finally arrived back in Britain where they will be cared for by their grandmother. Fiona remains in Goa, determined to continue her fight. It is a fight not just for justice for Scarlett, but also to convince a growing army of critics, who believe she fatally let her eldest daughter down.
Does Fiona MacKeown have to convince her critics, and these are critics who may already be critcal of her lifestyle? Does she use her energy to talk to Daily Mail readers? And for these readers is the biggest concern, the ultimate pain, the biggest problem, that Fiona MacKeown does not give a stuff what they think of her. Is that what hurts the Mail’s readers most. Or please them best?
THE SCOTSMAN: “So what is a mum to do?
Every so often, circumstances conspire to hold up before us that most reviled of creatures: the bad mother. We love a bad mother…
Now it’s Fiona MacKeown’s turn. On the McCann scale of public opprobrium she ought to come off worse – and it may yet prove that she does, because this story is still young.
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Posted: 13th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (46)
Shannon Matthews: Ripper Yarn And Not In McCanns’ Class
SHANNON Watch: Anorak’s look at Shannon Matthews in the media
DAILY MIRROR: “Hunt for Shannon Matthews is the biggest since the Yorkshire Ripper”
Is it?
The search is the biggest since the one for Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe who murdered 13 women in the 70s and 80s.
DAILY STAR (front page): “SHANNON: BIGGEST MANHUNT SINCE RIPPER”
DAILY EXPRESS: “SHANNON: HUNT IS ON SCALE OF RIPPER”
Chief Inspector Graham Armitage said: “It’s certainly the biggest missing persons inquiry since the Yorkshire Ripper, which I also worked on.”
Ripper. Ripper. Ripper. Is this a new context to place the disappearance of a child in? Is comparison with Madeleine McCann no longer apt?
DAILY MAIL: “Someone I know abducted missing Shannon just to hurt me, says mother”
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Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (255)
Jennifer Aniston Picks Paris Hilton And Angelina Jolie for Slasher Flick
JENNIFER Aniston is the Express’s front-page blonde du jour.
“Has Jennifer found love at long last?” asks the paper?
The matter is debated across two pages within.
Jennifer Aniston is pictured with actor Owen Wilson. It turns out that they are stood on a beach and – get this – appearing in a new film together.
Aniston has already appeared in the movie The Break Up, in which she met and romanced her co-star Vince Vaughn. They then – shock of shocks – broke up.
It is life mirroring art.
And while the Express wonders if Aniston has fallen for Owen, we cannot help but wonder at her next film, the slasher flick Hollywood Death Row, staring Aniston as a serial killer alongside Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie and the cast of Desperate Housewives…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
A Sorry Debate On Scarlett Keeling
“IS Scarlett’s mother really the guilty one?” asks Sue Carroll in the Mirror.
Scarlett Keeling was raped and murdered in Goa. A man has been arrested. with the case open, we can only say in reply to Ms Carroll’s poser that it is unlikely.
“Sorry, but I blame Scarlett’s mother,” says Allison Pearson on the Mail’s front page.
Scarlett Keeling was raped and murdered. Although Ms Pearson has apologised, so Scarlett’s mother, Fiona, should not take offence.
Lets have a heated debate…
Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (18)
The Decline Of The English Society: The Mothers’ Country
“MOTHERS IN ARMS,” says the Sun’s front-page headline.
“Three grieving women, their lives torn apart by murder. Today, they unite and vow to help heal broken Britain.”
KERRY NICOLE: her daughter Tania was killed by “Suffolk Strangler” Steve Wright
HELEN NEWLOVE: “Widowed when a gang of three kicked her “hero hubby” Gary to death
LINDA BOWMAN: “”trying to rebuild her life” after daughter Sally Anne was murdered by Mark Dixie
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Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Prince Harry Reloaded In Lego
IT’S “Rambo royal Prince Harry”.
War changes you. That much is certain. Gone are Prince Harry Baseball Cap’s twinkling eyes, his ruddy complexion and his toothsome grin.
In its place are the alloyed features of a warrior. Eyes are black pits, windows on an inner hell. Unblinking. Staring. Not there. The skin is yellow, jaundiced by his time on the frontline.
Harry seems no longer a man. He is a shell. Hollow.
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Posted: 12th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Guess The Artiste
THIS is a still for a new pop video. But who is the two-dimensional singer?
a) Madonna
b) Britney Spears
c) Debbie Harry
d) Lulu
e) Will Young
Answer after the break…
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Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Photojournalism, Tabloids | Comment
Chantelle And Jordan: When Chests Go Wild
“CHANTELLE can’t control her chest,” says the Sun’s Gordon Smart.
It’s following her around the room. It’s got a mind of its own. It cannot be contained. What can Chantelle Houghton do?
Jordan knows. Says she: “Chantelle isn’t me. She was really nice in Celebrity Big Brother but she should have stuck with her true self. She’s never going to do all of what I do. I’ve been there, done it and bought the T-shirts, with the boobs packed in.”
Those gargantuan Jordans come with a free T-shirt? We look again at the Sun’s picture of the enhanced Chantelle Hayes spilling out a dress. Her breasts running amuck.
She’s got the breasts. But – fool of fools – she’s taken them out of the wrapping.
Someone fetch her a T-shirt.
Quick…
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Polar Bear Watch: Richard Littlejohn, Knut And Darling
POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news
Says Richard Littlejohn in the Mail:
This is being touted as the “greenest ever” Budget, but none of it adds up.
It’s about raising money, not rescuing polar bears.
A look at Alistair Darling. Is there something of the polar bear about him?
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
How To Kill Keith Richards
SAYS Keith Richards – he who cannot be killed by conventional weapons – of his Bible reading, via the Daily Star:
“I read it sometimes, but it bores me to death.”
Which is why the Good Book is so often found in the hands of the dearly departed.
Keith should stick to watching the snooker…
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney Spears On How I Met Your Mother
BRITNEY Spears has only limited access to her two children.
Cue the Sun: “Britney Spears is set to make a small guest appearance on US show How I Met Your Mother.”
In a lawyer’s office between 2:30 and 3:30 every other Wednesday…
Pic: 14
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Perez Hilton Edits The Daily Mail: New Celine Dion Video
MORE evidence that the Daily Mail is edited by Perez Hilton in the unlikely shape of Celine Dion’s thighs.
Hair-raising: Celine Dion takes to the stage with furry legs
Says the bitchy Perez Hilton: Wow! Those are some HAIRY legs!”
Says the Daily Mail, paper of record (Click the image): “Her face had been carefully made up, nails polished and outfit primped just so, but Celine Dion forgot one important thing before performing in Toyko over the weekend.
It appeared the My Heart Will Go On singer had forgotten to wax her legs, with severe back lighting revealing their rather hairy state as she strutted around the stage.”
As Anorak’s source in the US
Celine Dion in her latest video:
Picture and additional words: 14
Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
The Weather is Upon Us
WEATHER. It’s happening. Now!
The Sun looks on as a wave crashes close to a woman, a man and a pram. “BUGGY IDIOT,” says the front-page headline. “Dad risks baby’s life as wave hits.”
Worse: “The idiot had just one hand on the buggy, with a cigarette in the other, as breakers crashed over Brighton’s sea wall.”
Shock: “Andrew Hasson, who saw the dad and a pal, said: “They were stupid and lucky not to be swept away.”
He offers no comment on the cigarette. But a nation is sickened.
More beach shots as on the Times. A man is airborne. In his hand the remnants of an umbrella. The sea to his right. The soft wet sand beneath. No cigarette. He might make it yet.
This is “HURRICANE BRITAIN” says the Express on its cover. Had only BBC weatherman Michael Fish been an Express reporter in 1987, he’d not have poo-pooed warnings of a hurricane. He’d have screamed it. And he’d have continued screaming it every day, just in case he was right.
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Posted: 11th, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (10)
