Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Paul Burrell: A Life In Books
IN “Burrell: I Won’t Come Back To Face The Music”, Express readers get a new insight into Paul Burrell latest tome.
In this work, Paul Burrell “faces a police investigation into allegations of perjury”.
And: “Now he could become the subject of a Scotland Yard investigation when the inquest ends next month.”
“WILL DIANA’S ROCK END UP IN THE DOCK?” asks the Mirror. In Burrell: My Dock Hell you will learn that Burrell “faces arrest the next time he sets foot in Britain after refusing to return to be questioned about whether he lied at her inquest”.
Did Diana really listen to Terry Wogan in the morning? Did Diana once hide in a chest freezer for seven full minutes? Did Diana cough twice on June 15 1995 in a signal that only Burrell knew the meaning of? Now read on…
“WANTED,” says the Sun’s front page headline. “PAUL BURRELL aka ‘THE BOTTLER’.”
“He could now be extradited to face perjury charges.”
Read Burrell: Dark Forces in all papers…
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Will Kerry Katona’s Father Please Confess
ARE you Kerry Katona’s dad? What about you? You? You? You? What about you James Spears?
What does it pay to be Kerry Katona’s father? We do not know. All the Sun says is that the celebrity lettuce shaker wants the man she believes is her dad to take a DNA test on her TV show Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love.
Kerry’s supposed father is John Dowd, although on first view the Anorak mistook him for Alan Titchmarsh. Therein would lie a greater story.
But John it is. He received this letter from a TV production company: “Kerry would like to do a DNA test with you. However, because we are filming the whole time, we would like to capture this on camera.”
Nothing like a spot of science to enliven a celebrity-fed reality TV show.
Says John: “It’s like blackmail, it’s unbelievable. They’re basically saying, ‘If you don’t do it on TV, then she won’t do it’.”
The Alan Titchmarsh show is on 2.30 pm at ITV1.
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
‘Pregnant’ Britney Spears Has Is Cooking On Gas
GIVEN the eating habits and lifestyle of Britney Spears, might the bump in her tum-tum be less baby than gas? Spears is a mum of two.
No chance, says the Star. “BRIT ADMITS I AM HAVING A BRAT.”
Britney is in a shop. She is looking at things. Pictures are being taken. Says an onlooker: “She was clearly feeling conscious about her belly because she kept trying to cover it by holding her hands over it, or covering it with what looked like a jacket.”
No, dear readers, not a jacket with a price tag attached, evidence of Britney’s meltdown as she enacts a Winona Ryder moment. The jacket is not stuffed down her pants. That is a baby. At least the Star is certain.
Finally: “And Britney, 26, has reportedly been gobbling down extra-large portions of her favourite food, fuelling further rumours.”
Eating a lot… Recovering from depression… Wandering a shop…. A bump beneath her top…
Its has to be a baby. What other explanation could there be? Unless…
Pic: 14
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Cherly Cole Should Play The Field With Ashley
THE Vomit ‘n’ Tell matter of Cheryl Cole and her footballer Ashley continues to grip the worlds of pop and sport.
The Sun says Cheryl remains “furious” at her footballer and “suspects” he cheated on her in the marital bed.
Which means, naturally enough, that Cheryl and her footballer must move to a new house. The bed is sent to Jeremy Kyle’s forensic department and form the denouement on a celebrity DNA special.
Says a source: “She has told him there will be NO more boys’ holidays ever again, and NO more lads’ night out for a long time either.”
Quite right too. If there is one thing that guarantees a happy and long-lasting marriage it is one spouse dictating to the other what they must do.
The only thing left to sort out is how Ashley’s employers at Chelsea FC can help the Girls Aloud singer.
With mid-week evening games looming and a Champion’s League quarter-final in a venue as seductive as Rome, Barcelona, Istanbul or Manchester, Ashley may be forced to remain at home.
Or take Cheryl with him, possibly in place of the club’s pint-sized wonder Joe Cole, whose named shirt she could use to avoid being spotted…
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
John Prescott’s Clean-Up
WITH John Prescott wielding his Peacemaker in Armenia, the cleaners move into his former grace-and-favour apartment, or “love nest”, as the Express has it.
It is “Prez’s dirty secret”, says the Star. The place needs a “deep clean”. The Sun sees the cleaning bill come in at £3,500.
A picture of Prescott with aide Tracey Temple sat on his knee appears.
The picture suggests that the cleaners may have been a bargain.
A new office chair does not come cheap, neither a new desk, a new carpet, a new door, a new work surface in the kitchen, a new bath, a new set of kitchen tiles, a new bed and a new croquet mallet.
Someone open the window. And fetch the mop and bucket. Quick!
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Victoria Beckham’s Dark Side Of The Moon Is En Vogue
VICTORIA Beckham is on the cover of Vogue magazine.
The Mirror has a picture of this cover. The right half of Posh’s face is hidden behind her raised hand.
The paper says she looks like Eliza Doolittle, as played on film by Audrey Hepburn. The actress is pictured in full face.
The Sun shows a picture of Posh inside Vogue in which only the left side of her face can be seen.
The paper says she looks like Vivien Leigh in Gone with The Wind. A picture of Leigh in full-face mode is supplied.
The Mail says she’s “really trying to be Posh” and looks like Her Majesty the Queen, as pictured by Cecil Beaton in 1949. In that shot, Liz’s face in seen in full.
The result is that we wonder not why Posh is on the cover of Vogue, rather why all of her is not. Why is her face hidden, like the dark side of the moon?
Answers to the usual address…
Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Madeleine McCann: Tapas Sums, Shannon Matthews And GMTV
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
THE SUN: “Cops plot McCann pals’ quiz.”
“It could involve British police putting questions to the ‘Tapas seven’.”
“Gran’s plea over missing Shannon”
A picture of Karen Matthews wearing a T-shirt bearing the image of her missing daughter. The mother is smiling. Why show this picture?
MISSING Shannon Matthews’ heartbroken gran fought tears yesterday as she pleaded: “I just want to see her little smiley face at my window again.”
June Matthews is a “pensioner”. She suffers from “ill health”. Is interviewing the grandmother now part of the protocol for reporting on missing children?
THE SCOTSMAN: “Madeleine: police may quiz ‘Tapas Nine’ again”
The Sun’s Tapas Seven becomes the Scotsman’s Tapas Nine. Such are the facts.
Detective Superintendent Stuart Prior, of Leicestershire Police, returned from the Algarve yesterday after meeting counterparts in Portugal about how the fresh interviews would be conducted.
The Leicestershire Police spokeswoman says: “Since Madeleine’s disappearance, we, together with other law-enforcement agencies, have been working closely with the Portuguese authorities.
“Mr Prior has attended a series of meetings with his Portuguese counterparts,” she said yesterday. “He travelled to Portugal on Tuesday and returned this morning.
“He went to discuss how the request for mutual legal assistance is to be executed and to seek clarification over elements of the request.”
DAILY MAIL: “Madeleine: British police meet Portuguese detectives to plan fresh interviews with Tapas Nine”
The “so-called Tapas Nine – the McCanns and their seven friends – could still hold the solution to the unsolved mystery that began in May last year”.
Says the McCanns’ spokesman Clarence Mitchell: “The sooner this re-interviewing takes place the better. The friends are very keen to help police understand their original statements. No one will be changing their story. We are not aware that Kate and Gerry are to be re-interviewed at this stage, but if so, that’s not an issue.”
Tapas Nine minus Tapas Two equals Tapas Seven.
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Posted: 7th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (570)
Shlebs: Jennifer Ellison’s Killer Boobs, Dani’s Dress, Largerfeld’s Anorexia
SHLEBS: Anorak’s look at celebrities making the news
DAILY STAR front page: “SEXY” Jennifer Ellison has “amazing DD boobs”.
So amazing are they that they have been distracting her “randy co-stars”, forcing expensive reshoots of scenes in her latest film.
This is “JEN’S £5M BOOB.”
Says actors Reece Shearsmith: “They are big, probably the best in the business. There is a scene where I am mesmerised with her chest – and she headbutts me and breaks my nose.”
Should Ellison’s false breasts be handed out as a matter of course to all women keen on self-defence?
“She doesn’t give a Dan…”
Danielle Lloyd is in a club. “Bubbly Dani didn’t even seem to care when the zip of her dress slipped down..”
That’ll learn her to wear a dress. She won’t be making that mistake again…
GEMMA Bissix (front page): “BED THE BUILDER”.
Says EastEnders’ Gemma: “I’ve got a bit of a builder fetish. But to be honest I am just attracted to ambition”.
“I hope to be back on Monday to finish the job,” says Gemma’s dreamy guy…
SUN (front page): “Jimmy’s horror at isle link
Human remains are found at a children’s home in Jersey.
Says Sir Jimmy Savile: “For anybody who opens a garden fete 38 years ago for half an hour and ends up with people nudging each other in restaurants and saying, ‘That man’s associated with those murdered children,’ it’s a nasty thing.”
“SWAYZE NEEDS A MIRACLE”
Surely cancer victim Patrick Swayze needs a Ghost of a chance?
KARL Lagerfeld: “Anorexia is nothing to do with fashion. Let’s talk about the 25 per cent of girls who are overweight.”
He can be so catty
Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Bishop Carl Cooper And Joy, A Prayer
THE tabloids love a good vicar sex story. Like a smutty vicar in a Benny Hill sketch they lust for what they condemn.
So to today’s story in the Mail that the Rt Reverend Carl Cooper has not been having an extra-martial affair with the Reverend Mandy Williams-Potter, billed as his “communications officer”.
“Church officials” in the diocese of St David’s in Pembrokeshire “have been told Bishop Cooper has a ‘close working relationship’ with Mrs Williams-Potter”.
The Mail says the Bishop’s marriage to a certain Joy of 25-years is at an end. The Mail says he “often appears to have reason to visit her house during the day”, when he husband is out at work.
Bishop Carl (a trendy vicar, perhaps, who visits Mrs Williams-Potter in “smart trousers and shirt and jumper”) says no-one else is involved in the breakdown of his marriage.
Mrs Williams-Potter says: “The bishop and I are just good friends.” She adds: “My husband and I live in the same house.”
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Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (13)
Alan Duncan Meets Outraged Of Melton Rutland
WHEN Alan Duncan MP announced that he was to marry James Dunseath, we wondered what they would say in Cheltenham.
Now a “senior conservative” in Duncan’s Rutland Melton constituency offers the Mail: “This is too much for many people here who thought they were getting a straight bachelor.
“He used to receive invitations from the strait-laced Duke of Rutland to stay at Belvoir Castle!”
The Duke offers no recorded comment…
Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Richard Garriott’s Space Modesty Challenge
RICHARD Garriott, a British computer games tycoon, sorry, “legendary video game programmer and designer” (source: Richard Garriott.com), has paid £10million to journey to the International Space Station this summer.
But what will he do during his ten-day mission?
The British National Space Centre wants “kids” to decide.
Says Richard: “I want to involve as many people as possible. We need great ideas.”
Anorak put the question to the fifth form at the Anorak Academy of Sciences And Media Studies, Department Of Low Emissions (DOLE). The top five results:
1. Moon everyone
2. Urinate over Croatia
3. Skateboard
4. Throw chips at the pilot’s head
5. Smoke
Your suggestions please…
Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Perverts Rejoice As Cann Hall Primary School Kids Says ‘Cheese’
PERVERTS. Cann Hall Primary School in Clacton, Essex, is on to them. And one step ahead.
Says headmistress Clare Reece: “The public nature of the internet is an issue we feel strongly about. Not all parents want their children’s picture on there. You can’t say what is going to happen in any of those pictures.”
Say “cheese”, kids. Or “Gouda”, as the heads turn round and yellow.
Smile. They all smile the same smile. It is a smile of blank-eyed, compliant happiness. It is also smile used in the rave culture of the 1980s, the face that used to appear on the Ecstasy drugs. Does Mrs Reece know this?
“SMILEY FOR THE CAMERA,” says the Mirror. “Smiley face of PC Britain,” says the Sun.
And somewhere in a caravan site on the Welsh coast a man with sweaty palms looks on, unbelieving that his wildest fantasies have some true.
Kids, perverts and cheese. See how they smile…
Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Prince Harry Is In Chelsea In Chelsy, And Vice Versa
“HARRY’S BACK IN CHELSEA,” say the Sun’s front-page headline.
Adolescent innuendo for our “HOMECOMING HERO”? Our just our twisted minds working on a headline illustrated by a picture of Harry (Tally-ban!) and his lover Chelsy Davy (Tally-beau!).
And the news that Harry is back in Chelsea, “partying with pals”.
But the Sun so loves a pun (“hostilities between them are over”) and a literary nudge and wink (“They spent their first three days together ‘catching up’”) that you start looking for a joke in every line.
Better, then, to turn to the Mail and learn the facts that “Harry’s back on party duty”.
No joking, subtlety or snide malice there…
Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Madeleine McCann: Shannon Matthews, Karen Matthews And Britain’s ‘Sickest’ Man
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
DAILY MIRROR front page: “I KNOW WHO’S GOT SHANNON”
This “I” can reach the police on a special hotline, number 999. A team of trained operatives are there to take your call…
“Clairvoyant dramatic claim to missing schoolgirl’s mum”
Missing Shannon Matthews’ mum Karen has dramatically been told by a psychic: “I know who snatched your daughter.”
He said the schoolgirl, nine, was abducted by a man both she and Karen knew vaguely – but was alive. A relative of distraught Karen, 32, revealed last night: “What he said got to her as he knew a lot of personal information.”
Three clairvoyants looked for Madeleine. And a psychic barber
MY GIRL IS ALIVE: “THE HUNT FOR SHANNON Father clings to belief she will be found”
Hunt. Like the “Hunt for Madeleine”.
“The distraught dad of missing Shannon Matthews yesterday spoke about his “beautiful angel” – and said he is convinced she is still alive.
Says Leon Rose: “I’m living a nightmare and keep pinching myself to try and wake up. I still keep hoping she’ll come walking through the door.
“I have never felt such pain before but I’m determined to find her. I need to stay strong for her sake and to keep my head straight.”
We are watching the parents. It is as if the grim case of Madeleine McCann has set new standards in tabloid reporting.
In “DADDY’S SNAPS”, readers see pictures of Shannon Matthews. In one she is holding her hands over her face. Do you recognise her? The pictures reflect normality but there is nothing normal about a missing child.
Last pictures are not always the full picture
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Posted: 6th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (979)
German Polar Bear Breeding Programme Update
POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news
TWO polar bears re playing in Vienna’s Schoenbrum zoo.
The Express says the “two twin cubs” (not three twin cubs), put on a “entrancing performance”. There is “wrestling”. There is “rolling around”.
This is part of the Teutonic polar bear breeding programme, a plan to have each German-Austrian town equipped with its own polar.
There is mention made of Knut, the foremost celebrity polar bear, the subject of a film deal chronicling his “early life”.
Knut is one.
Charlotte Church’s Vibrating
COMPLETE the Sun’s story: “Singer Charlotte Church has “shed four stone with the help of a vibrating…”
Answer:
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Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Cheryl Cole Tells Ashley Things Must Change
THE votes are in, the columnists have spoken, and we can now report that Cheryl Cole WILL be staying with her vomitous husband Ashley Cole.
“Give him a chance,” says Suzi Walker, former wife of former Spurs’ goalkeeper Ian Walker. “So crazy to forgive,” says the Sun’s Sally Brook.
Says the Sun: “No matter how hard she tried to convince herself to leave him, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Cheryl has told Ashley she is taking him back. But she has also told him things have to change.”
Like the bed linen, his short and his toothbrush…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Captain Benie Bambury Puts Her Leg It On Ice
CAPTAIN Bernie Bambury has lost his leg on a toboggan ride down the Crest Run, reports the Sun.
Captain BB: Is my ankle broken?
Reply: It’s not broken. It’s gone.
He now has a false leg…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment
Opera Buff: Actor Complains Over Size Of His Royal Opera House Part
JUAN Pablo di Pace is naked. He is appearing in an opera. The show’s producers want the Argentinean actor to appear naked in an advert. He agrees.
Seven years on, and the poster of di Pace is still being used to promote the Royal Opera House’s production of Verdi’s Rigoletto.
Di Pace is unhappy. As the Mail reports: “He claims a crucial part of his anatomy has been air-brushed unflatteringly, making it appear much smaller than it is in real life.”
We are offered no picture of Di Pace’s actual member as a gage. We have only his word for it.
Di Pace accuses the opera house “shrinking” his manhood so much in a 2005 version of the poster that it “made it look like he barely had one at all”.
Di Pace has told his lawyers of his distress. And claims he has not been paid for use of the image. The Royal Opera House has agreed to stop using the poster.
Given that this poster is intended to excite crowds and reach out to opera lovers and the opera-curious, why not select the penis to reflect the opera and the season?
A winter production of Madam Butterfly could see the controversial poster reused, while Tosca in high summer offers intriguing possibilities and possible audience participation…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
New Pavement Lane For Mobile Phone Users
DID you know that six million people were hurt “crashing into lampposts, bollards and bins last year while testing and talking on their mobiles”?
It is a fact repeated in the Express. A survey says one in four would support “mobile lanes” on pavements. These lanes would be “vividly-coloured” and “skirt round danger spots”.
Good idea.
And why not a set of traffic lights on every door facilitating the safe joining of customers to pavement traffic; a crawler lane for the obese and smokers (aka the gutter); and a hard shoulder for the Rozzers to chase down ne’er-do-wells…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Sue Carroll’s Phwaor On Terror
BEYOND Parody: Sue Carroll on Prince Harry and the War On Terror:
“Without wishing to demean in any way the amazing job out boys (and girls) are doing out there, I trust they won’t mind if we women back home refer to Helmland province as a ‘phwoar zone’”…
Open-Mouthed Horror: Amy Winehouse Stubs Cigarette Out On Cheek
AMY Winehouse has a new look.
The Sun says her extended cheek is not the product of implants, rather the result of her stubbing a cigarette out on it. Alternative reports are that she has impetigo, known among young lads as “the nose picker’s disease”.
But the Sun has Winehouse sat in a London eatery. She is smoking. She is asked to stop. The Sun says she is asked to stop three times. No. No. No.
She then stubs out the cigarette on her face, specifically her cheek.
Says a source: “She hardly flinched because she was so high. The whole place was open-mouthed in horror.”
Repulsive. Sickening. A roomful of diners eating with their mouths agape. It this what our once proud nation has come to?
We should focus on Miss Winehouse and ignore the unpleasantness all around her…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Footballers Who Sounds Like Glamour Models
THE Daily Sport is running a series called “FOOTBALLERS WHO LOOK LIKE LESBIANS.”
Today’s choice is Liverpool’s sensibly—shoed defender Sami Hyppia.
With that many vowels in his name, blonde Sami may form the basis of the new feature: FOOTBALLERS WHO SOUND LIKE GLAMOUR MODELS…
Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
UN Declares War On Pete Doherty
THE UN’s War With Pete Doherty, as told by the Daily Sport newspaper.
Declaration: This is another day of solemn decision in Doherty’s history and of memorable events destined to give a new course to the history of continents.
One man, one man only through a series of infinite provocations, betraying with a supreme fraud the population of his country, wanted the war and had prepared for it day by day with diabolical obstinacy.
Today, the UN, with the plenitude of its forces and its moral and material resources, is a formidable instrument for the war and a certainty for victory.
Anorakians! Once more arise and be worthy of this historical hour!
We shall win.
As the Sport says of the UN: “The international organisation plans to attack none other than Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty.”
Says a “pal”: He’s paranoid at the best of times” but having 192 nation states hunting for him “could push him over the edge.”
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Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Madeleine McCann And Missing Shannon Matthews In The Media
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
DAILY MAIL: “The shocking truth behind daycare at nurseries and crèches”
“Britain’s childcare industry is booming,” says Imogen Willcox, who has no children. But she knows. And she’s blonde.
“Every working day, more than a million parents drop off their precious little cargos at childminders and private nurseries. All of them do it firm in the belief that those they trust with their babies are highly-qualified, strictly regulated and genuine, caring people. Terrifyingly, they are wrong.”
“During an eight-month investigation for the BBC1 investigative programme Whistleblower, I uncovered a childcare culture where a new career’s criminal records and references are never checked, yet they will immediately be left alone with young, vulnerable children.”
You mean someone with a conviction for criminal damage, non-payment of their TV licence or being banned from driving can be in charge of a child!?
And – worst of all – they may be left in the care of a childless TV reporter and Daily Mail writer posing as a caring nursery school helper as she snoops on her fellow staff members – those sad sacks circling life’s plughole without a media career!?
Imogen Willcox carries secret filming equipment into nurseries. Sick? Certainly. Perverted? You decide.
“The builders left their power tools inches away from where the children were playing and no one seemed to notice. I spent that particular session on tenterhooks,” says she.
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Posted: 5th, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (726)
