Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Kerry Katona’s Squirrel-Faced Husband
SAYS Mr Kerry Katona, Mark Croft: “It’s mad. Everyone knows me and Kerry are married, yet she has a ‘husband’ in the ads.”
Croft is speaking of those Iceland adverts, which feature Katona extolling the virtues of ‘Boozzie Brownies’ and own-brand ketchup in the company of a gigantic squirrel.
Perhaps if Croft could be persuaded to swap his straightjacket for the look of, say, a rat or a ferret, he could make the part his own?
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Princess Diana: The Summer Wine Years
“DIANA WORE WIG TO MEET LOVER IN CLUB.”
Finally the truth is out.
The Star says Princess Diana wore a wig to meet her former lover Hasnat Khan in Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club, London. Had the wig not been topped by a discreet crown, Mr Hasnat might not have recognised her.
But we have seen Diana is disguise. And in our new book Diana: I Was Compo, Anorak explores how Diana played the part of lovable rogue Compo in TV’s Last Of The Summer Wine for three seasons…
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
A Coronation Street On Every Street
PLANS are afoot for a Coronation Street pub on “YOUR STREET”, says the Star on its front page.
What having a pub on every street in the country will do for binge drinking can only be feared, but if it what the fans of the soap demand, then it will hard to stop.
We would argue that to be truly authentic, your street should host a knicker factory, a cab office, a bus stop, a corner shop, a kebab shop and the associated doctor’s surgery.
In a stroke, Britain’s manufacturing industry is restored, the NHS is improved, car emissions curtailed, supermarkets beaten, drink-driving banished and, if the kebabs can be laced with free range tomato and organic horse the heath of the nation improved.
If you have been affected by any of the words in today’s story call 0800 CONFUSED, where Casualty’s team of medics will be on hand to help…
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Labour Says BBC Is Soft On Cameron
“LABOUR accuses BBC of going soft on Cameron,” says the Mail.
Labour has lodged an official complaint, claiming Radio 4’s Today programme has given David Cameron an easy ride in recent interviews.
In a letter to Sue Inglish, the BBC’s head of political programming, Labour’s vice- chairman Dawn Butler says presenter-Sarah Montague avoided any “unexpected questions”.
Says Miss Butler: “On the last five occasions Mr Cameron has appeared on the Today programme, dating back to November 1, his interviews have lasted less than eight minutes, they have been exclusively on a subject of his own choosing, and no questions have been asked by the interviewers on any other topical issues.”
The BBC denies any bias. And we wonder if this is less the fault of the BBC than of its star interlocutor Jeremy Paxman, whose hectoring, smirky-style of interviewing is what we expect our politicians to endure.
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Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
British Drunks Offered Acceptable Behaviour Contracts
NO more “STREET DRUNKS”, says the Mirror.
Know that people caught with alcohol where drinking is banned will “see fines rise from £500 to £2,500 if they refuse to stop”.
“Regular trouble makers” will be given “acceptable behaviour contracts” which “could ban them from specific areas”.
The Government’s MBA approach to life, with its blue sky thinking to the booze road map sees drinkers offered a contract, like those given to professional footballs and assassins.
Drinkers are advised to read the small print, lest it also bar them from eating cake mix, inhaling dog shit and smoking in the “common air zone”…
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Richard Hammond’s Organ Recital: Daily Mirror Wins
NEWSPAPERS love little more than a campaign.
It gives their columnists something to write about other then their children, and allows the paper to quote itself a source of irrefutable and expert fact.
In today’s Mirror readers learn that the paper’s No To The Toll Tax campaign has won the day. The “controversial” pay-as-you-go toll tax is to be “axed”. Satellites will not track cars and charge by the mile.
Says the Mirror’s boy racer Richard Hammond: “This is a great victory.”
“REAL CAMPAIGNS,” says the Mirror. “REAL STORIES. REAL RESULTS.” The Hammond Report gts results.
Nothing fake here. No pictures of a British squaddie urinating on his Iraqi captive. No fiction. The Mirror newspaper sticks to the real.
And the real news is that the petition Richard Hammond handed to outgoing Prime Minister Tony Blair last year has had a real impact.
Not only did Blair leave power soon after, not only did Blair get to meet another celebrity, but now the Government says it has listened to the real people and the plan for an unworkable and expensive satellite tracking for all cars will not be made real.
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Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Princess Diana, Hasnat Khan And Al Fayed’s Protection Money
IT’S 3839 AD (After Diana) and there is news of the princess’s love life, as ever there was and will be.
“Diana dumped me for Dodi, says Hasnet,” says the Express on its front page.
For purposes of recognition, Diana wears a black dress and pearl-drop earrings. At first look, she appears alive, waiting for the photographer to reload his film and give her a break from being the country’s celebrity princess. But no break comes.
(Anorak readers can read Diana: The Cover Girl Years, a book in which a selection of the only people never to have met Diana comment on her hairstyles over the past ten years.)
Today’s Diana news also features on the Mail’s foremost page, where Diana is dressed in a white shroud-like robe. To her side is Dr Hasnat Khan, the man she dumped because she was “dazzled by the Fayed family fortune”.
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Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (2)
A Free Knife With Every Tesco Drink
SALLY Owen-Brown is opening the wrapper on her carton of drink.
The four-year-old finds not a straw but a 31/2-inch blade.
Says Sally’s father Raymond: “We were all shocked. It looked horrendous.”
Tesco, where the drink was purchased, says it will investigate. But surely this is just the supermarket responding to what today’s youth demands.
The real shock is that all pre-made drinks do not come with a free knife, or at the very least a spliff and a packet of genital wart cream..
Picture: Anorak’s new Atomic Energy Lab
Posted: 4th, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney And Adnan Call It An iPhone
BRITNEY Spears has called it a day with her Brummie lover Adnan Ghalib.
The Sun sets the scene of this romantic parting of ways. Dim the lights. Cue the music. Pass the tissues:
There were about a dozen from one girl, all sent on one day. They were pretty saucy stuff with sexual references — certainly not the sort you’d send to just a friend. Britney lost it and started yelling. She was demanding to know who sent the texts and shouting, ‘What’s this about? You’re cheating on me’. Adnan said the girl was just a friend, but Britney got more and more angry. Then she told him, ‘That’s it. It’s over’. Just before she told Adnan to go, she took the phone and threw it in the pool right in front of him. He didn’t even bother trying to get it out of the water.”
It’s not enough. This is an iPhone. It may not be easy to put down. And those emails may yet surface again. And in any case, such is the way of text messages – the Bext (noun. A sexually suggestive mobile phone message) -that cutting-edge mobiles comes with saucy texts pre-installed.
Thus Old Mr Anorak’s attempts to send his first text message “I’m on the bucking bronco” to Harriet Harman was mutated by something called ‘predictive texting’ into “I want to **** ur ***d”…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Get The Knut Work-Out DVD And Therapy Kit
POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news- with Knut
ONE year ago Knut was just another polar bear. How cute he was.
He became a celebrity. And in “KNUT BAR ALL” the Mirror says a home movie has been released showing nut in the altogether, as his celebrity demands.
“Do you still think I’m cute?” asks the Mail.
Knut now weighs 22 stone, has large teeth and six-inch claws. Celebrity affects different creatures in different ways.
All Knut needs is an intensive course of keep-fit – leading to the Knut DVD workout – and therapy to recapture the slim innocence that so attracted us towards him…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Cheryl Cole Records Ashley Cole Revenge
CHERYL Cole has recorded a song featuring the line: “You’ve been a f****** jerk!”
This, says the Sun’s Gordon Smart, is “the perfect way to get her message across to numbnuts husband Ashley – with a four-letter rant in a new song.”
“Jerk” does indeed contain four letters. (Who says journalists can’t do maths?) But as an Americanism it may lack the necessary “venom” to make Ashley Cole sit up and take notice. This is the Ashley Cole who is often regaled in song by fans of opposition clubs.
Four-letter words feature heavily in these works, as do six-letter words, nine letter words and one thirteen letter word that could not be repeated in this organ…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
State Pays You £100 To Split From Your Spouse
DID you know that you’d be better off living apart from your spouse?
As the Mail’s front-page headline announces: “Benefit rules mean three in four ordinary families would be better off living apart.”
How much? “£100 FROM THE STATE IF YOU SPLIT UP.”
Old Mr Anorak says that all things considered, Mai Ling should pack her bags and only attend to her matrimonial duties at meal times and when Anorak Towers needs righting after one of his AGMS with the Thai women’s Ping-Pong Consortium he heads…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Money, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Banish The Bag And The Mail On Sunday’s Wrapper
BANISH THE BAG, commands the Daily Mail. And now “the Prince wages war on bags”.
The prince is Prince Charles who is teaming up with Booths supermarkets. Shoppers will be asked “Do you need a carrier?” Their answer will dictate their social status.
Answer “Yes” – Fellow shoppers’ lips purse, eyes narrow, mothers point, children cry
“No” – Fellow shoppers nod. The cashier smiles. A tree falls stands tall in the Arctic Circle
The Mail’s campaign to ban plastic bags is gathering force. Anorak supports the plans.
And just as soon as we’ve ripped the plastic cover from our Mail on Sunday, we will read more about it…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Call The Police Cones Hotline
COPS are on the hunt for Masum Ahmed.
Two traffic cones have gone missing from Burnham, Bucks. Ahmed is in the frame.
In Anorak’s experience, detection should not be too tricky, even for the police. A cone is often used as a makeshift hat, an oversized nose or, in moments of drink-fuelled high jinx, a massive phallus. And ultimately a receptacle for vomit.
Says Mr Ahmed: “I took two cones as a practical joke as we have problems parking but I didn’t think it would go this far.”
Police have arrived at Mr Ahmed’s home. They are searching his house.
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Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Polish Builder Falls Foul Of System Abuse
TO Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital where a Polish builder is cleaning up.
He is discovered. On his knees. Naked. A Henry The Hoover looking up with his big appealing eyes and welcoming, come hither smile.
The builder says he is vacuuming his underwear – “a common practise in Poland”.
He is sacked. The victim of a cultural misunderstanding.
The builder should respect our own customs and ignore Henry is favour of bicycles, fences and pavements – like any normal, decent Briton, like him and him and him and…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Kate Moss’s Daughter Grace Organises A Pub Lunch
MOTHER’S Day with Kate Moss, her daughter Grace and the Mirror’s 3 am girls
“She’s only five but Lila Grace’s Mother’s Day preparation put us both to shame. While we were still nursying our hangovers, Kate Moss’s daughyer had already presented the supermodel with a handmad card and abox of cholocates and sweets.
“She also organised a country walks and pub lunch.”
Brings a tear to the eye…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Mum Kerry Katona’s goen To Iceland, But Where’s Dad?
MORE news on Kerry Katona, face and body of supermarket ownbrand ketchup and frozen Boozie Brownies.
Mum’s gone to Iceland. But where’s dad?
Samantha Riaz says she knows. In “My secret romps with Kerry’s fella” the Sun hears Samantha say how she slept with Mark Croft, Mr Boozie Brownie, last summer.
As with such tales, there is the inevitable misspelt text message: “Am horny & thinkin of ur sexc bod ridin my ****.” (The **** is unlikely to be “wife”.)
There is the comment on Mark’s sexual prowess. Says Sam: “The sex was rubbish. I didn’t know he was married.” That appears as a non-sequitur, as married men will attest.
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Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Mick Jagger’s Hell And High Water
TABLOID headline of the day: “TIDE IS ON MY SIDE – Hells Angel bid to kill Jagger ‘foiled by rough seas’”
Story (to fit Mirror’s headline): After the Rolling Stones’ 1968 Altamont concert where the Hells Angels security murdered a fan, Jagger sacked the biker gang. Vowing vengeance, the group decided to kill Jagger at his seafront home.
Says Tom Mangold, who presents the Radio 4 show The FBI At 100: “All were thrown overboard in a storm.”
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Prince Harry Earns His Promotion To Bikini Blast
ONE man’s pay packet is the nation’s front-page news as the Mirror leads with: “£11 RISE FOR HARRY.”
Young Prince Harry Baseball Cap has been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant and seen his wages rocket by £11 a day.
A look over the menu at Mayfair’s Mahiki venue reveals that Harry can afford one daily glass of Moh’hee’toh (£10.50) as the sun sets over the yard arm, with enough spare change for a toilet wallah’s tip.
Save up and it’s a Bikini Blast (£22) restorative. And save harder still for a Mahiki Treasure Chest (£100), “the one the generals drink.”
“Will he ever see action again?” asks the Mail on its cover. Well, if he drinks enough Harry may feel a little punchy, and the paparazzi may care to step back.
On closer inspection, it turns out the Mail is talking of Harry’s war record and wondering if her will make a return to the front line.
What’s Next For Harry?
Given the secrecy levels afforded to his last deployment, it is unlikely the Mail will be able to form a definitive answer. So we wonder. “What’s next for Harry?” asks the Mirror.
Well, Mahiki doesn’t open until 5.30 this Saturday, so we’d place our money on a trip to Boujis (Evens). Killing a Stag (3-1). Hooking up with Chelsy and going on holiday (8-11). Or following in his mother’s footsteps and starting a new life in Bahrain (5-1).
Expert opinion is needed. So the Mail invites Royal Raspberry James Whitaker to suggest Harry will stay in the Army. And someone called Malcolm Dawkins says Harry should settle in South Africa. Harry, it turns out, is the same age as Dawkins’ son Ross who is studying wine-making at Stellenbosch University near Cape Town, and making his dad proud.
It’s an idea. Especially if the college does a course on cocktail making…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
What Are Prisoners From Blantrye Jail Working as?
WHAT are prisoners on day release from Blantryre House jail working as? Can you guess?
a) Bank cleaners
b) Key cutters
c) Special constables
d) Traffic wardens
e) Magistrates
Read on for the answer…
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Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Jordan Takes Off
“JUMBOS jet for Jordan,” says the Sun’s front-page headline.
Jordan is planning to buy a Hawker 900 jet for £4.5 millions.
Says a source: “She has three round trips planned to Australia. The cost of taking the family abroad this year looked ridiculous.”
And if there is one thing Jordan and her husband Peter must not look it is ridiculous…
Posted: 3rd, March 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Madeleine McCann And Shannon Matthews: And Jamie Bulger
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann and Shannon Matthews
THE INDEPENDENT: “Missing: The contrasting searches for Shannon and Madeleine. Has class influenced the rewards offered and publicity given to two campaigns to find missing children? Cole Moreton goes to Dewsbury to investigate”
Shannon’s parents are not doctors. The child is not blonde, neither is the mother.
Shannon’s uncle, Neil Hyett, lives next door to her, and has had his house and garden searched. The media frenzy of last week bewildered him, but like many others in Dewsbury Moor he says he now wishes he could find a way to make it continue. “It’s all gone quiet, hasn’t it?” he said at the sparse community centre from which the leaflet and poster campaign continues to be run. “Last week, you couldn’t park for television vans. Now they’ve all been sent away on other stories.” Even The Sun’s support yesterday caused disappointment. “I’m devastated, to be honest,” said a coach driver, as others around him agreed. “That poster should have been on the front page.” It was on page 17.
Madeleine McCann
Age: Four. Parents: Kate, 40, a GP. Gerry, 39, a cardiologist. Siblings: Twins, now aged two.
Home: Detached house, Leicestershire.
UK press stories after nine days: 465.
Rewards offered: £2.6m: the ‘News of the World’, Stephen Winyard, Philip Green, Simon Cowell, Coleen McLoughlin, ‘The Sun’, Sir Richard Branson, J K Rowling.
Public donations: £1.1m:
J K Rowling, Bryan Adams, David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo, John Terry, Phil Neville, David Moyes, the England cricket team.
Wikipedia profile: 2,182 words after nine days.
Shannon Matthews
Age: Nine. Parents: Karen, 32, and Leon Rose, 29. Stepfather, Craig, 22. Siblings: Six boys and girls, from her mother’s partnerships with five different men.
Home: Three-bed council house, Dewsbury Moor.
UK press stories after nine days: 242.
Rewards offered: £25,500. Made up of £20,000 by ‘The Sun’, £5,000 from Huddersfield firm Joseph International, £500 from Wakefield pensioner Winston Bedford.
Public donations: Thousands at most, including Leona Lewis.
Wikipedia profile: 151 words after nine days.
SUNDAY PEOPLE: “Lost little Shannon ‘snatched’”
Devastated friends and family of missing schoolgirl Shannon Matthews last night insisted the nine-year-old was snatched.
Says cousin Vicky Saunders: “Shannon’s quite a timid girl and wouldn’t like to go off on her own.
Family friend Petra Jamieson adds: “She’s the ideal daughter who behaves well. We want everyone to remember Shannon, like they do Madeleine McCann.”
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Posted: 2nd, March 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (443)
The Daily Mail Will Pay For Cheating, Thieving Rogarians
ALEX Hilton says the Daily Mail “has a reputation for insidious racism and xenophobic propaganda”.
Is that all? What of cancer, fat people, ageing women, horror stories and Tom Utley’s family?
He claims the hereunder is a leaked email from features writer Diana Appleyard:
PUBLICATION: Daily Mail (Request for personal case study)
JOURNALIST: Diana Appleyard (staff)
DEADLINE: 14-February-2008 16:00
QUERY: I am urgently looking for anonymous horror stories of people who have employed Eastern European staff, only for them to steal from them, disappear, or have lied about their resident status. We can pay you £100 for taking part, and I promise it will be anonymous, just a quick phone call. Could you email me asap? Many thanks, Diana
HOW TO REPLY:
Email: mailto:dianaappleyard@*******
An opportune moment to announce the engagement of Old Mr Anorak to his nurse Svetlana Biggins…
Hunting With Harry: The War On Terror Won, Prince Harry Returns Home
PRINCE Harry’s War. Scene II: We rejoin the action on the tarmac at Brize Norton airbase. The UK Media Corps is discussing the news that Prince Harry is returned home a hero after winning the War on Terror.
Now read on…
ALL: THEY say Harry is back. He walks among us…
MEDIA CORPS: Tally-ban!
EXPRESS (Lance Corporal): TARGET HARRY
Shhh! Those “British fanatics” might hear you and take it as a call to arms
MAIL (Lieutenant): TERROR TARGET HARRY
STAR (Private): HARRY IS TOP TERROR TARGET – Prince home but not safe
Quick! To Boujis. It’s a lock in. Hurry!
MIRROR: THE BOY WHO WOULD NOT DIE
They say he is covered in a teflon coating and he has a heart twice the size of a normal man
THE TIMES (Major): The Prince returns a hero and an enemy
TELEGRAPH (Brigadier, retired): Let me go back, please Harry
But, Harry, it’s Boujis. You remmber, Boujis? Oh, how the war changes them
GUARDIAN (Peace Corps): Dirty Harry – dog of war, or prince of public relations?
Harry run. A price is on your head. Max Clifford and the Taliban are after you. Run, Harry, run…
Caption Contest – With a prize
Posted: 1st, March 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Sir Norman Bettison, Wikipedia And Celebrity Policing
SIR Norman Bettison has been described as a “greedy, vain moron”. The Mail says Bettison is favourite to succeed Sir Ian Blair as head of the Met.
As such, he may be ideally suited to the job.
But Police Review magazine says the 52-year-old chief constable of West Yorkshire is unimpressed with his Wikipedia entry, which you have already seen.
The Mail reports that “image-conscious” Sir Norman has instructed staff to make sure his Wikipedia entry is not sabotaged.
A look at the page brings up the following message:
Editing of this article by unregistered or newly registered users is currently disabled until March 14, 2008 (UTC) due to vandalism.
Were you in the area? Did you see anything suspicious. Call Mr Bettison. Unfavourable reports may be treated in the strictest secrecy and edited.
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Posted: 1st, March 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (130)
