Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Banish Plastic Bags And Save The Turtles
EVERY time you use a plastic carrier bag a sea turtle dies.
That’s the message on the Mail’s cover page as readers are urged to “BANISH THE BAGS”.
See “a British family on a weekly shop”. And know: “In a distant sea a rare turtle, plastic bags lodged in its guts, is slowly dying.”
Can something be done to save it? No, not The Great British Shop – that for another campaign – the turtle? Yes, says the Mail. In all there are “13 billion ways you can help.”
Sadly, one of these ways does not involve pulling the plastic bag from the featured turtle’s guts. Nor does it include removing the plastic bag that “chokes” another turtle, also pictured. It is too late to save the gannet, which lies on a Cornwall beach, strangled by a carrier bag. Shame on you, purveyors of “VAPORMATIC”.
The Mail tells of the minke whale that was cut open and found to be hoarding 2lbs of plastic bags. With no kitchen drawers, the poor whale was forced to store the bags in her stomach. And died.
The Campaign
Say no to eating plastic bags.
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Madeleine McCann, Shannon Matthews And Missing Child Protocol
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann.
Shannon Matthews is missing. Is the media treating her case the same way as it views Madeleine McCann? And, in light of missing Madeleine, is there now a protocol for what occurs when a child goes missing?
DAILY MIRROR: “LOST TO US ALL”
Sue Carroll: Most of us won’t have an instant recollection who Shannon Matthews is. After thinking twice, of course we all know she is the nine-year-old missing from her home in Dewsbury Moor, West Yorkshire.
But what a terrible indictment of the media that, when a child has disappeared in Britain for over a week, her name doesn’t spring to our lips, we don’t know her school, favourite toy or what she was wearing when last seen.
Shannon is as precious to her family as Madeleine McCann, missing for 300 days, is to hers. But where are the front-page pictures, campaigns, the furore? Would this be different if she was the daughter of two middle-class, mediasavvy parents? Not a working-class child from up North.
THE SUN: “Marchers wants Shannon home”
THE family of Shannon Matthews led a poignant candlelit vigil for the missing nine-year-old last night – as police admitted hopes of finding her alive looked “bleak”.
Anguished mum Karen and stepdad Craig joined 300 neighbours on a march through streets near their home.
Children carried a banner showing the youngster’s face and a hotline to ring with information.
A hotline. Like Madeleine. A vigil. There is picture of Shannon on her birthday.
Balloons bearing pleas for Shannon’s safe return were released during last night’s vigil.
THIS IS LONDON: “Police search house of missing Shannon’s uncle as detectives treat case ‘as seriously as a murder'”
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Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (1,154)
Earthquakes Arrive In Britain, Skegness Is Bracing
“QUAKE ROCKS UK,” screams the Sun’s front-page headline. “5.1 rumble felt from Brighton to Durham.”
We race to tell Old Mr Anorak. “Where’s the pun?” he asks. “Has the world gone utterly mad?”
First global warming, then an invasion of foreign species and now earthquakes hit the UK. The country is changing and it our duty to innovate.
Buildings are rocked. An eight foot crack appears in Mark Young’s neighbour’s garden in Leicester. 
John Burton’s house in Wakefield shakes. Simon Smith does not exaggerate when he says, “It was like a juggernaut was going down my road.” Says Phil Cass, Wellingborough: “I was just sitting watching the TV and my chair started moving and the glass cabinet was wobbling.”
The epicentre of this earthquake is in Lincolnshire. As the poster says “Skegeness is bracing”. And what it has bracing itself for is now made apparent.
We need advice. And we turn to the Government “PREPARING FOR EMERGENCIES” website
We search “earthquake”. And we are met by the chilling message:
“The page cannot be found
The page you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.”
Aaah!! Are we alone? Hello! Mayday. Hello…
Posted: 27th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
The Real Little England Is In Eymet, France
“HOW hundreds of ex-pats, fed up with obnoxious youths, incompetent councils and politically correct nonsense, have turned a tiny village into a very Brtish idyll.”
The Express is in the French town of Eymet, twinned with a vision of Britain rarely seen beyond the Mail’s Keith Waterhouse column and Polly’s Tea Rooms, Marlborough branch.
It is home to ex-pats buying cans of Heinz tomato soup (American), Weetabix (founded by South Africans) and Tetley Tea (produced Indian tea giant Tata) from Kevin Walls’ corner shop, the Magasin Anglais. There are tea rooms, market stalls selling stilton cheese and British newspapers. There are white men in cricket whites playing cricket. Of the town’s 2,600 residents, around one third were born in the UK.
Says the Express: “If you want to live in France but don’t speak French it seem this is the place to be.” Or there’s Euro Disney, that other theme park, near Paris.
In Eymet, the Express sees children playing hide and seek in meadows on the way to school. It sees unlocked doors. It sees knife crime only on the television.
“I like living here because it’s like England 50 years ago,” says Simon Colebourne. And just like in 1958, Mr Colebourne runs an internet cafe. As you’d expert the cafe is chock full with ex-pats sat indoors “using the computers to e-mail friends at home and regale them with tales of the good life”.
As the Express says in headline form: “WE FOUND A LOST BRITAIN…IN THE HEART OF FRANCE.”
Lost. And maybe it should be lost once more.
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Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Holly Willoughby And Me: The Boobs Speak Out
HOLLY Willoughby is a shoo-in for A Top Ten finish in Channel 4’s 100 Best Breasts.
It is very likely that she will be in the top half dozen when the awards are given out for 100 Best Breast in a pro-celebrity ice dance show.
And there is talk of Holly Willoughby getting the nod to present 100 Best Breasts In A Refrigerated Studio on UK Living (sponsored by Hotpoint).
But Willoughby, who presides over the celebrity cull that is ITV’s Dancing On Ice, is so much more than the sum of her chest. As the Mail observes, she is wearing a “backless and almost bottomless” dress. Willoughby is nothing if she is not versatile.
Says one viewer: “My husband and I have great fun trying to bet how low her top will be each week.” Says another: “Why doesn’t she stop messing around and just do the show topless?”
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Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Get Your Few Remaining Teeth Into Dentistry
THE Express says more than half the British population have teeth missing. The Daily Express says on its front page that “11 MILLION CAN’T AFFORD DENTIST.”
Anorak wonders if this is less to do with us eating too many sweets and this being a nation of innovators – the Star features former chicken slaughterer David Allardice holding the pliers he used to extract his bothersome teeth – than supply and demand and bad image?
More dentists would mean the price to consultations and treatments coming down as the business becomes more competitive. It follows that more Britons would visit them.
Unless, of course, there is something about dentists that puts us off seeking them out?
Dentistry has much to recommend it. It is, along with being a High Court judge, a rugby union referee and Coleen McLoughlin, one of the few professions in which you can talk without fear of being interrupted.
As for image, we urge one of leading soap operas to put aside this fascination with doctors and introduce a dentist, preferably one both cheep and cheerful.
Meanwhile, Express readers can wonder what has happened to so many “missing” teeth and is this is part of a huge Government cover up. We should be told…
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
The Scent Of Amy Winehouse
“YOU too can look as good as Amy”, says the Sun, words hanging above a picture of Amy Winehouse.
Winehouse is said to be bringing a range of cosmetics and beauty devices to market. The Sun hears a “pal” speculate that there could be “hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner”, and even a perfume.
The scent is, of course, the ubiquitous mark of any leading celebrity. Look out for Wino by Winehouse, available in bottles fashioned into whiskey miniatures.
Wino leads with the intense top notes of Harmony, Fabreze and the sparkle of antiseptic lozenge, and turns an intense matt black on contact with the skin. With base notes of waiting room and felt tip, Wino is the perfect accompaniment to Blaaaake…
Wino – Hits The Spot
Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Honour The Brave Daily Mirror, With Ross Kemp
THE MIRROR’S “DO US PROUD” campaign to have injured and killed soldiers awarded a medal is gathering pace.
While the other tabloids champion their own pet causes “Conquer Obesity Through Pole-Dancing” (Sun), “Ban Free Knives On Teen Mags” (Mail) and “Make Immigrants Take Diana Test ” (Express), the Mirror shows us it medal.
Readers see the noble token, a disc bearing the words “HONOUR THE BRAVE” and the image of a soldier peering through a gun sight. All is underscored with the noble legend: “DAILY MIRROR.”
Reading all in one go, the legend reads: “HONOUR THE BRAVE DAILY MIRROR.”
If the Mirror can get this gong pinned to the chest of dead and injured servicemen and women, it will have pulled off something marketing departments in rival newspapers can only dream of.
And it just might. The nodding heads have assembled. It says much about how we view out Armed Forces that the following fighters put their heads above the parapet to back the campaign: Moore, Roger (SP.Y), Lynne, Dame Vera (B.L.U.E.B.I.R.D.S) and Waite, Terry (R.A.D.I.A.T.O.R).
The tin hat is placed on the irresistible movement by the appearance of old Ross Kemp (Ultimate Force, EastEnders Corps.), not to be confused with Richard Kemp, ex-commander of British Armed Forces in Afghanistan.
Says Kemp: “It’s very important to show our troops they’re appreciated. You can’t fight a war on terror and not thank, or respect, the people doing the work for you.”
And if Kemp can pin it – or stick it – on them, so much the more rewarding…
Levi Bellfield, Milly Dowler And The Ripper: Roundup
LEVI Bellfield stalked his victims by watching bus stops and looking into brightly-lit buses at night.
Bellfield murdered Amelie Delagrange, 22, and Marsha McDonnell, 19, after they got off buses in south-west London. He also tried to kill 18-year-old Kate Sheedy by twice running her over. He used a hammer. The Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe used a ball pein hammer.
Case closed. After months of speculation in such matters as what happened to Madeleine McCann and if the Mad Hatter, Prince Philip or the Easter Bunny murdered Princess Diana, the press can focus on the perpetrator of heinous crime.
But readers are used to playing amateur detective. So rather then celebrating Bellfield’s detection and jailing, they lead with speculation. Did Bellfield murder Milly Dowling? Is Bellfield a Ripper?A look at today’s newspapers:
DAILY MIRROR (front page): “DID YOU KILL OUR MILL?”
Milly Dowler’s parents last night begged bus stop killer Levi Bellfield to reveal if he murdered their girl. Bob and Sally Dowler made the plea over their 13-year-old as Bellfield was convicted of two murders. He is feared to have struck before and will be quizzed over 20 other attacks. Bellfield, 37, is linked to Milly’s kidnap and murder in 2002 by a series of clues.
GLASGOW DAILY RECORD: “Did Hammer Beast Murder Milly Too?”
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Posted: 26th, February 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Daily Mail Celebrates Renee Zelwegger’s Talent
THE Daily Mail covers the Oscars. Says the Daily Mail headline: “THE OSCARS: Renee Zellweger unveils her shrinking frame (and knobbly shoulders).”
More arts news to follow…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Star Oscar Suicide (SOS): Remembering The Glorious Failures
IN “CURSE of the OSCARS,” the Mail looks at the woman – always the women – who have won an Oscar and then failed to perform in another half-decent film
Shock indeed that anything as solid as a secret vote by a shadowy band of Hollywood elitists, the self-importantly named Academy, should create a star each year and fail to see the value of Rachel Weisz’s work in My Blueberry Nights and Brenda Fricker’s craft in Casualty: The Movie.
This, of course, is that time of year when newspaper writers and media watchers put aside their envy at being not as good looking, less talented and less well paid than actors and actresses and observe the Oscars with a cold and objective eye.
“Look,” say the film experts, “there’s that dog Julia Roberts”; “It’s that stick-thin witch HalleBerry”; “Is Angelina Jolie wearing corduroy gloves or are those her worrying veins?” “Oscar disasters,” says the Times, looking at those dresses.
The Oscars might have made them millions and secured their fame and stardom, the apogees of glittering careers, but Holly Hunter “took a decade…to have another hit and that was in the form of cartoon when she provided the voice of Elastigirl in The Incredibles.
The Mail fails to note that Hunter was in O Brother Where Art Thou and Crash. But did you see her hair in those films? Eu! Too caring of the Mail to gloss it over…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Ten Million Britons Looking To Flee The UK
“THE GREAT EXODUS,” says the Daily Express on its front page. “WHY 4 MILLION OF US WANT TO QUIT BRITAIN.”
Inside: “Figures out yesterday show that of the 10 million people looking to buy a property abroad in the next tear, four million will consider leaving for good.”
Can it be that we are now so rich that 10 million of us are looking to buy a home overseas? “In today’s Britain there are so few reasons to be cheerful,” says the Express’s leader. But here, at last, is one.
The Express features one Peter Ellis, who tells us: “With the rising cost of living…it seems that many of us are seeking refuge aboard.”
Things are so expensive in Blighty that 10 million of us – around one sixth of the total population – have enough cash to buy a home overseas.
Take into consideration the four million looking to move away permanently and six million of us are looking to buy a home over there while living in the UK.
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Paul Gascoigne’s Lover Tells Of Fruit, Sex With A Mop And Booster Seats
“I WATCHED GAZZA GO OUT OF HIS MIND.”
The Mirror’s front-page headline focuses on the life of Paul Gascoigne.
Jenny Wilkinson was not watching Gazza as he charged into Gary Charles in the 1991 FA Cup Final. Jenny Wilkinson was not with Gazza when he todl the popel of norway to “f*** off”, drove a London bus or spoke gibberish in countless media interviews.
Readers who have followed Gascoigne’s career may wonder if his was a mind to go out of, or if he was ever in a state of disarray?
But here is Jenny Wilkins. Gazza is in hospital and she is nursing him back to health by telling the Mirror about his “bizarre” behaviour: “He cried before and after sex, he became wired and unpredictable, then violent.”
This is Gazza who famously cried at a World Cup semi-final, and then cried some more in an advert for crisps. This is the Gascoigne who would mesmerise opposition footballers with his jinking runs. This is Gascoigne who smashed his wife in the face.
As sensations go, Jenny’s testimony is up there with “Jordan sleeps on her back”.
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Tortoise Warm A Slow News Day
YOU wait ages and ages and ages and ages and ages for a tortoise story to come along and then two appear at once.
In the Mail, Shirley Neely has cleared her fridge of alcopops and readymeals and given it over to tortoises.
Mrs Neely, who runs a Jersey-based tortoise sanctuary, says: “It’s much easier to maintain a constantly cool temperature with a fridge than it is in our ever-warming climate.”
This is a comment on global warming.
And while Mrs Neely’s husband open the fridge door and cries “Tortoise! Again!”, the Sun spots a tortoise who has set its home on fire.
Emma Fox sees Fred, 70, emerge from hibernation and takes her inside. Fred is placed in a tank beneath a heat lamp to keep warm.
But straw placed beneath Fred catches light. Flames. Smoke alarm. Fire brigade attends. And all is saved.
Fred is not cooked, and cannot be eaten roasted from her handy bowl. Fred should be chilled.
And what is more chilled than a globally warmed tortoise…?
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Headline Of The Day: Going Down With Viagra
TABLOID Headline of the day: “Viagra ‘could damage your fertility’.”
The Mail reads Dr David Glenn’s research paper and brings sobering news for men in their hearing–aid beige years with erection issues…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
EastEnders Runs Out Of Plots
JOE Swash the speech impaired EastEnders “hunk” has been written out of the soap – rather “sensationally axed” – because his character Mickey “has run out of storylines”.
So reports the Sun, omitting to tell us how this can happen to a soap character.
Surely a plane can be found to crash land of Joe’s house, a drunk driver kill his dad or a girlfriend turn out to be his real mum? C’mon, EastEnders script wizards, can’t you find an MRSA bug for much-loved Joe? Or how about the Black Death?
The fear is that EastEnders has lost its way and no longer reflects real life…
A look at the news reveals some alternative plotlines, many leading to heated debates:
Joe is sentenced to death in China
Joe tursn to Buddhism and is killed by a faulty electric lawnmower
Joe is killed in a fairy cake eating contest
Joe dresses as turkey and represents the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest
Private Plane lands on house in Kent, where Joe is staying with his aunty (with whom he is having an incestuous relationship)
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Taxi For Upper Class Cheryl Tweedy
TAXI for Cheryl Cole. Sorry, best make that Taxi for Cheryl Tweedy.
The Sun is at Los Angeles airport to see La Cole arrive and be picked up by a man carrying a sign that reads “TWEEDY”.
This is Cole’s maiden name. But can it be her?
The note also mentions “UPPER CLASS”. Posh?
But our Cheryl is nothing if not down to earth…
Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Shannon Matthews, Haut De La Garenne Paedophiles And Madeleine McCann
MADDYWATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
DAILY RECORD: “Six New Sites To Be Probed In Jersey Children’s Home Body Hunt”
“A sniffer dog that discovered a child’s remains at a former children’s home has found six other areas at the site to investigate. Police continued to search Haut de la Garenne, in St Martin, Jersey, where the body was found on Saturday.
“They were investigating child abuse allegations at the home on the east coast of the island. The bones of the unidentified child – believed to date from the 1980s – were found using ground penetrating radar and Eddie, a springer spaniel sniffer dog previously used in the hunt for Madeleine McCann”
DAILY MIRROR: “Police search 200 homes in a bid to find missing schoolgirl Shannon Matthews”
Shannon Matthews is aged 9
Worried neighbours and family members, some wearing T-shirts showing pictures of the schoolgirl, yesterday filled the residents’ association hall near her home. Leaflets and posters appealing for information have been distributed. Day and night searches by friends and relatives are still going on. Gerry McCann, father of missing Madeleine, said Shannon’s disappearance was “deeply concerning”.
“Hunt for more kid remains” – A “sniffer dog has pinpointed SIX more places where bodies may be buried at the ex-children’s home where a youngster’s bones were unearthed. The child’s remains were found by a spaniel, used in the hunt for Madeleine McCann, under inches of concrete on Saturday”
THE SUN:” “McCanns: We pray for Shan”
But this is about Shannon Matthews. What has it to do with the McCanns?
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (1,144)
Sun Readers Are Given The Death Penalty
GRIM news for Sun readers.
In place of the usual reports on The Wheelbarrow being this year’s Missionary and the Great British Chip, a death sentence.
Black Cap on. And the sentence: “You will be taken hence to a place of lawful execution and there hanged by the neck until you are dead.”
The likelihood of this decimating the paper’s readership is high, but it is what “99%” of “YOU WANT” and must be made so. The Sun was ever the populist newspaper.
Before you go, Amy D, from Widnes, would like to remove her bra and tell you that: “There are so many terrible people walking the street (see here), that there has to be a stronger deterrent. They should be locked away forever.”
Amy appeals for clemency. And she makes a convincing argument. And if she can dress as a 1950s Sunday School teacher, the judge may yet be swayed.
But death it is. If the UK is to be made clean 99% of Sun readers will have to die. It is the only way. It is what YOU want.
It is what Helen Newlove wants. She’s the widow of Garry Newlove who was murdered by “swaggering killers”.
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
The Beckhams Are Stitched Up
“POSH ‘N’ BECKS BETRAYED.”
The Star promises much. But who has done it this betraying? The hairdresser? The PA? The mild mannered cleaner? Could be…
“Pals” say Vicky And Day-vid have been “betrayed” by “former friends, lovers, business aides and old school chums”.
That’s a lot of betraying. And we wonder how Posh and Becks failed to secure gagging contracts with anyone who has ever met them, plans to meet them or has had thoughts about meeting them.
An oversight. That much is certain. Heads will roll.
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Posted: 25th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Pete Dohery Sings For Amy’s Blake Prison Break
MR Amy Winehouse, Blake Fielder wants to be like Pete Doherty.
And Blake is already on his way to achieving his goal, having recorded no songs that spring to mind and carries fame’s begging bowl via a romance with a woman more famous than he.
Now the News of the World reports that Blake has been speaking to Doherty about getting an anti-heroin implant fitted. (Blake is in Pentonville prison, awaiting trial on charges of attempting to pervert the course of justice and GBH.)
Doherty has responded by starting up a campaign called Free Blake For F***’s Sake.
As with every good protest, there should be a protest song. Doherty has rhymed Blake with Sake and handed us a chant.
Free Blake for f*ck’s sake
The law is bent
Like an Oxbow lake
Free Blake for fuck’s sake
Wake up Blake, it’s a prison break
Rouse yourself!
(Repeat for hours and hours and hours)
Other protest songs to consider:
He’s Not Gonna Take It
Say it Loud, I’m Blake And I’m Proud
Fight The Flower (Poppy Seed Mix)
And so on…
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paul Burrell’s ‘Gay Sex’ Cabaret With Princess Diana
SAYS the News of the World: “’Diana’s rock’ Paul Burrell trawls saunas for gay sex.”
Paul Burrell is “treacherous”. Paul Burrell is “sordid”. Paul Burrell is “slimy”. And in words that could come from the mouth of Mohamed al Fayed, Paul Burrell is “a secret predatory QUEEN”.
Says “a close pal”: “I saw him pick up countless men using his royal chat to lure them to bed.”
The paper says Burrell “SEDUCED a male pal of stargazer Russell Grant”.
Says the source:
“Paul IS a greedy liar, a devious snake. He’s also ruthless and selfish. He’s always made out that he’s this happily-married family man when in reality he’s gay and only interested in sex with men. He told me he hadn’t slept with Maria for years. He’s constantly on the lookout for gay pick-ups all over the world. And he shamelessly uses his back catalogue of Diana stories to hook his targets.”
Most sensational of all, Paul Burrell “was a ticking gay timebomb at home and at work”. One wrong move and – kaboom! – Burrell would blow. In Burrell: The Bomb, learn how this was the triger for Diana’s anti-landmine campaign.
Of one encounter we are told: “Paul went to the hotel gym and announced he was going ‘cruising’ in the sauna. He emerged about half an hour later with a really bloodshot eye—the result of a slip-up while giving a man oral sex. He just told Maria that he’d accidentally been poked in the eye!”
These are all just allegations, no more. Mr Burrell’s reaction to them is not recorded. And we may only know the truth when Burrell releases his book Burrell: Diana The Gay Icon.
The book will detail how it was Burrell’s duty to tell us how he and Diana would dress up as Liza Minnelli and Master of Ceremonies Joel Gray and sing Cabaret before a room full of Corgis dressed as Nazis, including one very tall dog called Philip…
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Prince William, Mr Benn And Kate’s New Princess Diana
PRINCE William and Kate Middleton are cooling things orf.
The News of the World reports that “he wants to put their love on hold while he concentrates on his military training”.
Having worked in the City, the Army, the Peace Corps and as an impresario, Wills is now learning to fly with the RAF.
Wills is not unlike Mr Benn, the children’s TV character who pops into a costumiers and by the process of magic gets in character and lives the dream for a while before moving on to the next adventure.
After the RAF, Wills will try his luck as a clown, a Prince Edward look-alike and a butler.
But before that he’s got the jets and with it the lifestyle of a single man as he agrees a “SECRET PACT” in which he and Kate will have little contact over the next year.
This will get Kate ready for a life married to a taciturn royal, as she adopts the Diana position.
A source says: “William has told Kate if they can survive this long stint apart then he’ll propose to her.”
She should watch the Telegraph’s Court Circular page for further updates, or, and Wills is ever the modern royal, the fax machine…
Posted: 24th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (7)
Jordan’s Traditional Wooden Sex Toys
JORDAN is aiming to lend her name to a range of vibrators and “massage devices”.
The goods will feature a logo featuring her naked silhouette.
Might this explain her new trimmed look, the product of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s work with plane and chisel? Could the old Jordan only fit on a massive fallus and thus reduce her target market to old Nazi submariners, ping-pong enthusiasts and anyone looking to make a replica of Apollo 13?
As the Sun reports: “She is also launching more traditional toys and even fruit machines.”
Traditional toys like wooden dildoes on pull-along wheels? And do these fruit machines feature a jackpot in the form of three singing acorns, a la Peter Andre, Mr Jordan?
The Anorak shop awaits…
Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Foxy Looks At The Oscars Hunting Season
“MINK eyelashes, cleavage buffing, underarm Botox – how the stars are preparing for the Oscars,” reports the Mail.
Readers learn that the stars are “the product of power-bleach, armpit botox, stiletto foot surgeries, cleavage facials, antianxiety drugs and last-minute liposuction”.
But the top shelf procedure has to be Jennifer Lopez’s red fox-fur lashes. This year, Los Angeles make-up artist Valerie Sarnelle has created “thick and furry mink and squirrel fur false eyelashes, in blacks, browns and blondes”.
Madonna has been seen wearing fake eyelashes made from mink fur and diamonds.
Fur can do wonders for a hairless body. Without fur a red fox would looks like a massive pink rat with sharper teeth, an animal to be hunted to extinction.
Fur faces will make the star appear warmer and cuddlier.
Animal rights activist will, naturally, be appalled. And Anorak suggests that stars should move away from real fur towards the fur from the skin of a kiwi fruit or, for softer tones, a peach.
In the meanwhile, Madonna and Lopez should take care to listen out for the sound of a bugle and the baying of so many dogs. Is it illegal to hunt a celeberity?
Picture: 14
Posted: 23rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
