Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Praying For Money And Reduced Interest Rates
“HELP!” screams the front page of the Express.
Readers run to the scene, afraid that the Rogarians have stormed Blackfriars, Princess Diana is dead and Madeleine McCann has been found hiding under the bed. RIP Daily Express.
“HELP! Why millions of us have been paying for another cut in loan rates today.”
Good to learn that in this godless society we have been praying, although whether praying for money is deemed spiritual is a point best lest to others.
Of course, millions of others are praying, and hoping, that interest rates rise and give them greater value to the savings.
Much depends what god who worship…
Polly Hudson Is Polly Filler
SAYS the Mirror’s showbiz writer Polly Hudson: “I HATE Myleene Klass. I have absolutely no idea why.”
More showbiz exclusives to follow…
Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Amy Winehouse Seeks Solace In Bond
AMY Winehouse is to write the theme tune for the next James Bond film, Quantum of Solace.
“DR NO, NO, NO,” says the Sun.
‘Tis an honour. And Winehouse can finally do down the doubters and lay claim to being the new Sheena Easton.
But hers is no easy task.
Finding a word to rhyme with Solace may push Amy over the edge. We advise her to see the word as So-lace, and so enable to rhyme with face, space, race and, given the strength of the all–important American market, vase….
Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney Spears’ Ice-Cream Headache
NO longer is the tabloid talk of Britney Spears’ vagina. It’s not even about her breasts, nor is it about her buttocks.
The Sun leads with news of the Spears mind.
“GET ME OUT DAD,” thunders the front-page news. And further into the paper: “BRING ME ICE CREAM.”
Spears no longer communicates in complete sentences, rather in shouty orders. Hit me, baby! Come on you bloomin’ ‘orse! “Eat it! Lick it! Snort it! F*** it!”
Britney has been taking the waters at a Los Angeles clinic, from where she has now been set loose. During her stay, she made telephone calls. One was made to her father, Jamie Spears.
JAMIE SPEARS: Can I bring you anything?
BRITNEY: Yes. Bring me some ice cream
JS: What flavour?
BD: Vanilla
It’s the kind of anecdote that with some padding, a little polishing, a decent punchline and a team of writers could be turned into the pivotal moment of a TV show, or else a biography.
Tomorrow, the Sun reveals if Spears even did get her ice cream, and what, if anything, the cold brew did to her already “troubled” mind…
Posted: 7th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Life Below The Stairwell: Sarah Ferguson Is Matthew Parris
SARAH Ferguson has been “slumming it” in a £40-a-night bed-and-breakfast.
“What’s this?” you say. We knew Her Majesty is a good landlady and requires little by way of market-based rent from her lodgers but only breakfast? Surely, Liz can stretch to a light sponge and a jar of tea?
It turns out that Ferguson has taken part in a project to see how the other half live, walking about some of the county’s deprived estates and shopping with “low-income mothers” in Hull.
One may expert that Fergie took along her daughters in a bid to show them that life is not all taffeta and horses, but with EastEnders and Ski Sunday on the telly, they probably know that already. So she didn’t.
Although they can check out life below the concrete stairwell because Fergie went equipped with an ITV camera crew.
Fergie In Action
Says Fergie: “This show is from the heart and is a progression from my 11 years with Weight Watchers.”
You see, the underclass are fat, and not in good way, but full of jelly roll, murder burgers and addictives.
Fergie is conducting a social experiment. She has got “footie fit”, able to run the length of football pitch without being out of breath. And not on a horse, but actually running, in hells, skirts hitched up and everything.
It is all not unlike the 1980s programme World in Action” – For the Benefit of Mr. Parris.
Back in Thatcher’s Britain, then Tory MP Matthew Parris tried living for a week in Newcastle upon Tyne on the £26.80 which was at the time a single unemployed man’s supplementary benefit.
He failed miserably. But as Parris writes in his newspaper column: “A couple of months later I was famous, and I never really looked back, quitting politics the following year for television and journalism. That programme made me.”
His is a success story, and one Fergie is keen to repeat. Chuck in some science on junk food, a look at property hot spots to go with the football and the realism, and Fergie could be the ubiquitous face of TV for years to come…
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (4)
Al Qaeda’s Steel Band Mastermind
“FIVE members of a calypso band thrown off a flight after being mistaken for terrorists have won a £5,500 pay-out.”
Aboard a Ryanair flight from Sardinia to London, members of the Caribbean Steel International Orchestra aroused suspicions among their fellow flyers.
As the Mail notes: “One passenger claimed he was concerned that one of the musicians, who was blind, appeared to be reading a newspaper.”
The story has a Dadaist bent.
Better had the blind steel drum player been reading paper dated one day into the future, the front page carrying the legend “HAVE YOU SEEN THE BLIND DRUMMER? – Hunt for Al Qaeda’s Steel Band Mastermind”…
Paris Hilton Is The Revel Orange Film Girl: Online PR
TO illustrate the news that Orange is offering Daily Star readers the chance to enjoy a “VIP package” to the Orange Film, a picture of Paris Hilton painted as an orange.
Also, Gemma Atkinson looking orange, Coleen McLoughlin looking orange, Jordan looking orange and an advert for a packet of oranges (Tesco).
It is joined-up marketing.
TIP: Look out for Celebrity Edition packets of Revels – they’re all orange! – on sale at your local cinema…
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Online-PR, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Celebrity Police Interview Amy Winehouse
“COPS GRILL AMY OVER CRACK VID.”
Britain’s celebrity police force, acting on tip-off from an informer on the Sun’s front page, are in conversation with Amy Winehouse.
Says a source: “The timing of this isn’t great. She is desperate to go to The Grammys and needs to show US officials she is taking her rehabilitation seriously.” Witness statements are being taken.
Over in the confines of North London’s Capio Nightingale clinic, police are giving the place the once over. They talk with Winehouse for two hours, an interview, one imagines, that is written up.
If a few mug shots could be taken, the feature could make the front page of the next police newsletter, Kate Moss permitting.
The Sun says that cops have seized the Sun’s footage of Winehouse “smoking crack after taking cocaine, ecstasy and Valium”.
A source reveals: “She was not arrested. She is co-operating with police.”
No new mug shots are being taken. Although if Amy could just sign a few old snaps, it should be much appreciated down at the station…
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Ann Widdecombe Is No Fan Of Lolita
ANN Widdecombe, who gives Express readers her views on stuff and nonsense, considers the Lolita range of furniture.
“Apparently,” begins Ann, with an insouciance that belies her brittle demeanour, “when some parents complained at a store advertising a range of children’s bedroom furniture under the brand name Lolita, nobody at Woolies understood what was wrong with such a crass notion.”
Readers expect Widdecombe to rail against the education system that fails to teach furniture designers and shop assistants to be prejudiced against a name that does very well for many Lolitas, including Lolita Quintero (Mask Of Zorro), Lolita Roughage (Dentist on The Job), Lolita Davidovich (Actress, Gods and Monsters) and many more Lolitas.
Ann Expects
But Widdecombe is in understanding mood. “I would not expect the average counter assistant to be able to name the author of that famous book,” says Ann.
Whether the average counter assistant, or shop girl, as Widdecombe must surely call this doltish breed, expects a virginity-intact dolly dyed, Celebrity Fat Club star emeritus and Tory MP to know which footballer Danielle Lloyd is romancing, how to feed a family and in which aisle the Silly Putty is remains a moot point.
“I would however,” says Ann, “expect someone in the management to have at least heard of Lolita. Not to have done so is a bit like saying you have never heard of Darcy or Black Beauty” – a unit of permeability, named after Henry Darcy, and the name of a tuxedo-styled Gibson Les Paul guitar, respectively.*
Ann concludes: “If only she had been called Posh or Kylie or Britney. No need to check them on Wikipedia.”
Indeed, much more wholesome to name kiddies’ beds after a stick insect, a middle-aged singer with the body of an adolescent and a woman famous for dressing up as a schoolgirl…
* Like the boss at the Lolita shop, we too do our research on Wikipedia
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Bubbly And Larger Than Life
RUSTIE LEE is “bubbly”.
The Star does not stop it critique of the TV chef there but goes on to call her “larger than life”.
Both “bubbly” and “larger than life” are surely euphemisms for fat. Ms Lee, a member of the UK Independence Party, is pictured holding a frying pan and flipping pancake for Sport Relief.
Other larger than life “characters”, including Jonny Vegas, Santa Claus and Tory MP Nicholas “Fatty” Soames, were otherwise engaged…
Kate Moss Would Like To Announce
KATE Moss is to make a “special announcement”.
Her pre-announcement special announcement features in the Star.
The Star is proud to announce that the announcement “could” be along the lines of “We are pleased to announce, that Kate Moss is to marry one Jamie Hince”.
An insider announces: “Kate wanted to go away with five female friends and tell them some important news.”
The number is precise. Five. The Famous-By-Association Five.
Moss wants to go to ultra-conservative Amsterdam. But one of the FBAF is a certain Davinia Taylor, and she fancies Berlin.
Says an insider: “It was sheer fluke that they had both thought of having a girls’ break the same weekend. Both Kate and Davinia laughed lots.”
It is quite possible they are still laughing like drains. As are well all.
Look out for the Star’s exclusive on Announcing being the new Presenting…
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Sharking With Dolphin Dave, Great White And Natasha Bedingfield
IS a Great White shark swimming off the coast of Norfolk?
The Star features a picture of a savaged baby porpoise. And this just weeks after a porpoise was bitten in half and a seal was “ripped to shreds”.
Says the paper: “Fears are now growing that Jaws-style beast is prowling the East-Anglia coast.”
The Star consults some peoples who would know. “It was gruesome and is does look l like a big bite mark,” says one professor of sharkology.
“There is no reason why there wouldn’t be great whites off the coast,” says another shark enthusiast.
This news is followed by the story of Daniel Buck and Michael Jukes who “HITCHED LIFT ON A DOLPHIN”.
The “jokers”, from Kent, have now been charged with recklessly or intentionally disturbing a dolphin.
A dolphin expert looks at a video of the incident and says the dolphin, nicknamed Dave, was being “disturbed”. Says Jukes: “I would not have hurt the dolphin. It swam up underneath me and pushed me up.”
We have little need to describe the physical characteristics of a typical dolphin and just let it be said that in light of incidence with bicycle and fence, Mr Jukes may have got away lightly…
STOP PRESS: The Star features a picture of singer Natasha Bedingfield kissing a dolphin on the muzzle. It proves “those mucky smiles you always see from dolphins are caused by filthy desires.” We refer readers to article aforesaid…
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (10)
Beyond Parody: Richard And Judy’s Book Club A Levels
SOME days you can just type out the entire contents of the Daily Express and pass it off a brilliant parody.
We offer you this: “The English A-level is to get a dramatic revamp thanks to the huge success of Richard and Judy’s Book Club…
“It became such a nationwide hit that it has spawned its own show and the couple are now leaving the sofa behind to become full-time champions of literature.”
ENDS.
Posted: 6th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (9)
Amy Winehouse Picks Up A Grammy
AMY Winehouse is looking “REFAB”.
Amy Winehouse is putting on a “defiant front” as she pours her bosom into a bra and forgets to say “when”.
Amy is pictured on her way to “meet officials” at the US embassy. Not for fizzy drinks and canapés designed to look like small burgers and cheese sticks. Winehouse needs a visa to travel to Los Angeles, where he is up for six Grammy Awards. She has set herself the challenge of securing the document.
No easy thing. The US frowns upon non-prescription drugs takers and Amy has a drug conviction, a souvenir from her time in Norway. Granted, taking drugs in Norway can be forgiven, it being one way to endure life in those chilly limes, but rules are rules.
So Amy “pops out of Rehab”, (Sun’s front page). “Breast of luck,” Amy,” says the paper.
If she gets the documents, Amy can go to America and turn her back on the UK.
We will then be treated to headlines about how Amy plans to CRACK the US market…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Rogarians Are More Real than Dracula
IN today’s edition of Non Sequitur Daily, the Express reports: “Roma gypsies head for good life in Britain after they are told: Get a job.”
Roma “leader” Tsvetlin Kanchev says a new law in Bulgaria “forcing” the workless to find gainful employment within 18 months “will cause many thousands of gypsies to leave the country”.
And some might go to the UK.
This means, as it always does, that the Rogarians are coming! The Express presses “1” on its speed dial phone and hears a recording of Sir Andrew Green, head of Migration Watch. It presses “2” and listens to someone from the TaxPayers’ Alliance.
And what about these Rogarians? There is the customary shot of swarthy men dressed in marble denim and black trainers.
And later there’s a picture of Count Dracula – a notorious Romanian – biting the neck of a fair-skinned maiden. “A myth or reality?” asks the paper.
Well, until we see the yellow of their eyes, we cannot be certain…
Coronation Street Stars Lose Their Heads
IN the Mirror’s Coronation Street update, readers see “Corrie hunk” Rob James-Collier sidling up to his bride Samia Smith.
We mean, of course, factory boss Liam Connor marrying Maria Sutherland.
Now you know the truth. And you can send flowers, good wishes and any medication you have spare to the happy couple courtesy of Granada Studios. Happy day. Happy thoughts.
But the Mirror cannot believe its eyes. Look, it says, Liam’s girlfriend is called Lauren and she looks a bit like Maria, but now that she’s dyed her hair from blonde-ish to black-ish she looks like Carla, who’s Liam’s “Corrie lover”.
To put the tin lid on it all, we learn that when blonde, Lauren ran a boutique called Garnet Boudoir in Great Missenden, Buckinghamshire.
Says a Corrie insider: “They’re very in love, but they both have their heads screwed on.”
But whose heads are they?!
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Travelodge Sleepers In The Swim
TO the Travelodge, and an insight into what the smarter travelling rep, and not Darren Day, will be wearing to bed this evening.
The Mail compares the look to a sci-fi suit.
Leigh McCarron, Travelodge’s “sleep director”, says: “We are constantly investigating innovative ways of how we can help our customers attain a good night’s sleep.
Something as simple as changing your bed attire can dramatically affect your quality of sleep.”
Loosening that tie and placing your trousers in the Corby press is no longer enough for today’s go ahead reps.
The Deemasilk jimjams are the go.
Available in any colour, so long as it’s white, the pyjamas are for him, her and, with cuostomisation, a bit of the other.
Put them on and sleep, sleep, sleep. And if your dreams are of swimming along a tube towards a huge egg, best avoid calling room service…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment
Page 3’s Amylu At The Presidential Elections
PAGE 3 Girl AMYLU is musing on the US elections.
Sys she: “It looks like it could be a close-run contest. And it is so important, because what happens in the US has an impact on the rest of the world.”
It’s the big picture. But not everyone is looking at it.
While Amylu talks politics, columnists in the Sun and Express are more talking of busts and cleavages.
Amylu should try and keep up with the debate lest she look ill informed, trite and lazy…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Dancing On Ice: Holly Willoughby Figure Skates
PLANS to broadcast Dancing On Ice as Casualty LIVE! are well advanced.
The idea to put ice skates of celebrities, push them onto an ice rink and watch the cull was inspired, if not a little dark to film it and broadcast the highlights as family entertainment.
Plans to have the ice thinned and for celebrities to fall beneath it are as exciting as they are challenging.
But even the Circus Maximus can get a little samey, and the camera pans round to show Holly Willoughby dressed in a low-cut gown.
Give us a twirl, Holly, as Bruce Forsythe was wont to order the lovely Anthea Turner in more innocent times. But Holly is not one for turning. She faces forward. And the papers stare.
The Express says Holly’s dress is the main talking point on Dancing On Ice.
Vanessa Feltz says the dress is “an accident waiting to happen”. At any moment, Holly could spill forth and cause Suzanne Shaw (sliced scalp, fractured rib) to have a seizure.
“Golly, Holly,” says the Sun’s Fergus Shanahan. Holly is “saving the bust till last”.
And we look. And the ice runs red…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Heather Mills Stands Alone To Face Sir Paul
FEW who can remember when Heather Mills gave Judge Jeffries a bloody nose will be surprised by the headline: “HEATHER TO GRILL MACCA IN COURT.”
Some may worry at how this sits with Heather’s, as yet unconfirmed, role as special envoy to his Holiness the Pope. But if there is one thing a UN Goodwill Ambassador can do, it is to oil the body and grease the wheels of power.
So, as the Mirror reports, next week Heather will question her estranged husband Sir Paul McCartney across a room in London’s High Court.
Heather, representing herself, “is expected to repeat sensational allegations that the former Beatle was abusive and violent after drinking and drug binges”.
The encounter is billed as “no holds barred”, “not pretty” and “gloves off”.
The mental image is of Mills trying to smack McCartney about the head with a prosthetic limb, as Paul harks back to his Beatles pomp and bobbles his noggin like in those halcyon days when he dated Penny Lane.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Punch Drunk On Celebrity Mums, With Myleene Klass
SEE the new celebrity mum writing her range of children’s books.
That’s the way to do it!
See the new celebrity mum at the shampoo counter, realising that the time is now for a range of organic children’s hair conditioner and bath plugs.
That’s the way to do it!
See the new celebrity mum talking about the wonderful job midwives do.
That’s the way to do it!
See new celebrity mum Myleene Klass in the Mirror designing her range of baby clothes.
That’s the way to do it!
Hear Myleene say: “I have used my first-hand experience, with other mothers in mind, to help design a stunning variety of products.”
That’s the way to do it!
See the new celebrity mum buying Junior Gucci and Baby at Hardy Amies.
See the non-celebrity mum cashing in her family allowance…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Royal Air Force: Princes Andrew And Eddie Venture Forth
THE tabloid rule dictates that pictures of Prince Andrew should feature him with head rolled back and teeth bared in a bray.
Wherever possible, a four iron or putter should be inserted between said teeth.
The putter is out of shot, but the Mail captures Andrew in the mode as he prepares to board a flight to America. For his tour of the former colonies, Andrew will have at his service a 12-seater plane, available at a cost to the British taxpayer of £100,000.
Says his spokesman: “Given the number of engagements this is the only way of doing it.”
But surely, we could find a cheaper solution. Why not send both Andrew and his brother Edward on the trip and so cut down on the expense of a plane?
Each can be passed off as Prince Andrew, or at a push Princess Anne, to the Americans, who should not spot the difference, especially if Eddie can be persuaded to travel everywhere with a golf club tucked under his arm and Andrew takes to wearing a jester’s hat…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
A St Valentine’s Day Message, From Sir Cliff Richard
VALENTINE’S Day looms and with it Cliff Richard.
Fans of the singer are being offered the chance to secure a “personalised” message from the hip swinging corrupter of youth.
At a cost of “£7.99 plus delivery”, you can: “Treat your loved one to a personalised poster of Cliff with your own unique message in an exact digital copy of Cliff’s handwriting.”
Who dares to say Cliff does not move with the times, or in time?
How each message will be unique is unsaid.
Such are the large number of his fans, Cliff may soon have to be writing cheery messages in Norwegian and Latin, or else delving deep within and offering fans the chance to “Get Stuffed – Cliff”, and so on…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Teenage Student Moves In With RE Teacher
“GIRL of 16 moves in with her RE teacher, aged 49.”
Mr Clive Richards is pictured in the Daily Mail.
He has been married three times. Jess Anderson has not been married, but is believed to be in line for some favourable GCSE grades, not least of all, one imagines, in the scriptures.
The Mail says Richards has refused to comment. But no comment is a comment, and verily he sayeth unto the scribes: “We have done nothing wrong.”
For it is written out 100 times…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (7)
Victoria Beckham Helps Cheryl Cole
“CHERYL TAKES THE RAT BACK.”
The votes are in. The columnists have made their views known. GMTV and Trevor McDonald have been in states of high alert.
And now Cheryl Cole makes her move. She will give Ashley Cole one last chance not to get caught cheating on her, as has been alleged.
Mrs Cole (see tattoo) will warn her footballer: “If you break my heart again, that’s it.”
The Star, for which this is front-page news, is disbelieving. “SHOULD SHE TAKE HIM BACK?” it asks. Readers can vote “NO” or YES”.
But the decision has been made, and the ruling comes from a higher power. The Star says Her Poshness Victoria Beckham has told Cheryl: “Get your hair done, put on some make-up, treat yourself to a posh frock, then brave the world.”
Cheryl would seem to be ahead of the game. And might it be that this is less Victoria’s personalised tip than it is an insight into her working day?
Debate rages…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
