Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Vest In Show: Big Brother’s Kate Lawyer Underwear Pledge
BIG Brother Kate Lawler wants £20,000 to run the London Marathon in her underwear.
Says Lawler: “If I raise the money by April 13, I will definitely run the 26 miles in just my underwear.” As opposed to wearing what, a rhino suit?
The message is clear. If you want to see Kate running through London dressed in a vest and hot pants, hand over the cash.
And if you want to see Kate Lawler running through London in a vest and hot pants, don’t give her any money…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Foreign Criminals Take The Wii In Jail
NEWS is that foreign criminals are being given Wii video games to play on.
“It’s like a holiday camp,” says a senior officer at Colnbrook Immigration Centre, Berks, doubtless recalling a visit to a typically grim holiday village.
“ANGER AS FOREIGN LAGS GET LUXURIES,” says the Sun. “It’s a disgrace.”
The talk is of a music room, a £5 prize for the winning five-a-side team and video games.
There’s a shop on campus that sells a select range of goods and tuck.
It’s not a holiday camp – it’s the boarding quarters at a minor public school. It’s a holiday campus…
Picture: Those on the injured list from WiiHaveAProblem, reportedly due to game play injuries using the Wii remote control
Dancing On Ice: Holly Willoughby Distracts
MORE news from the celebrity cull show that is Dancing On Ice.
The Sun reports that Suzanne Shaw has cracked a rib. And this after her scalp was sliced open by a blade.
“She certainly is a fighter,” says presenter Holly Willoughby, that “dancing ice queen” who features on the Express front page by dint of her cleavage.
“All eyes” are on Willoughby, says the Express.
And that means we aren’t looking as Shaw is scraped off the ice and call to Kerry Katona is made…
Next!
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Kylie Minogue And Martinez Are Back-side Together
“KYLIE BACK WITH OLIVIER.”
So says the Sunday Mirror’s front-page headline.
Kylie Minogue is back dating her French actor Olivier Martinez.
Says columnists in all papers: “Great news. With her bottom and his bottom, imagine what bottoms their children will have.”
Bottoms crossed!
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Labour MP’s Husband Makes House Calls
“HUSBAND of MP probed by police over f-word phone rant,” notes the Mail.
The celebrity polce force was called in after a local councillor complained about a call from Tony McCarthy, husband to Portsmouth North MP Sarah McCarthy-Fry, who happens to be a senior parliamentary aide to Labour Chief Whip Geoff Hoon.
Says the paper: “He was furious after they jokingly discussed her actions during a protest march when she helped drag a dead Christmas tree through the streets of the city.” What to joke about there? She was making a valid point about who hard it is to drag a dead Christmas tree through the streets. Blessed are the dead Christmas tree draggers.
McCarthy told Councillor Fazackarley:
“I do not suppose you will give me a ring back because you are an odious little b*****d . . . You don’t have the bottle to ring me back, do you, because you are a real little t****r. Why don’t you join the f*****g Tories, you odious little t****r.”
Says Mr Fazackarley: “I was shocked that someone I have known for 15 years should use such language. You don’t expect the husband of an MP to ring you up in the early hours effing and blinding.”
Indeed, usually you leave that kind of thing to the MPs themselves, or to someone speaking to a call centre…
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Why The Spice Girls Split
THESpiceGirls.com says:
IMPORTANT TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT
Sadly the tour needs to come to an end by the end of February due to family and personal commitments for Emma, Geri, Mel B, Melanie C and Victoria. It was announced in June that, as well as the Europe and the US, the girls planned to visit Australia, China, South Africa and Argentina. Due to the phenomenal demand for tickets in the UK and the US along with the touring logistics for such a massive production it was not possible to fit everything in. As the girls return to normal family life and the kids go back to school they are reviewing all the options, who knows what the future might bring!
The girls said: “We’ve had such an amazing time over the last 3 months. It’s been incredible being back together and seeing our fans again. We want to thank everyone who came to see us. It was all so mad the first time round, so we’ve really been able to appreciate it properly this time. There have been so many highlights and good times that we know it will be hard to be apart after Toronto. Really sorry if we didn’t get to see you this time round. We all have other commitments in our lives now but who knows what will happen next.”
THUNDERS the Mirror’s front-page headline: “SPICE SPLIT – tour scrapped after furious bust ups”
Says the paper POLLY ‘Filler’ HUDSON: THIS has literally been the worst week ever. We’ve endured the horror of Tweedy-Gate, the shock of Britney-Gate and now we’ve suddenly got Spice-Gate to contend with too. Sheesh!”
BUT their story is not yet complete, and we look forard to the Spices appearing on TV chatshows to tells us how they broke the mould – before the Spice Girls: a) bands could sing and not dance; b) dance and not sing; c) play musical instruments – but never had the world seen a top act that could do d) none of the above…
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Michael Jackson’s Children Revealed
IT’S been a tough few years for Michael Jackson tribute acts.
It’s hard to know what the great man looks like, and to date Anorak has seen a 30stone Michael Jackson, a one-legged Chinese Michael Jackson and 3ft-tall female Michael Jackson.
All claim to be just like the real Michael Jackson. And all might well be right. Sadly some of their audience recall Jackson in his pomp and demand that he resemble a ten-year-old boy, a melting waxwork or a werewolf.
Now, though, we can get an idea of what Jackson looks like by studying his nippers. That’s them in the accompanying picture, star turns of the Mail’s expose.
Anyone who saw Michael Jackson, the 6ft Icelandic version during her tour of Dorset last year, will spot the children’s clear likeness to their dad.
It is uncanny…
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Do The Itch With Cheryl Cole
WHAT began as a joke is now turning into fact.
In Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s 18-Month Itch, Anorak highlighted the singer’s Itch Away The XTra Inch DVD workout. We noted that scientists at the Michigan School of Dieting And Scratchology say itching can burn off more calories than sex.
Now the Express reports: “Why we itch to have a scratch.”
Researchers in North Carolina, led by Dr Gil Yosipovitch, have found that “parts of the brain linked to people’s bad emotions and memories become less active while scratching”.
Cheyl is itching. We are itching. And very soon you will be, too…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
UK Immigrants Are Sent To Coventry
“Britain WILL be swamped, admit Labour advisors.”
Whatever we think about immigration, honesty must be the best policy. And hats off to the Express for bringing us the bare facts on its front page. Rest assured, it’s what Princess Diana and Madeleine McCann would have wanted.
The Express says the “explosion in numbers” adds a city the size of Coventry to the UK population every two years.
More people – hell, more Coverntry – means more ramraiders, more John Guants, more television licence defaulters, more single mums and more flooding. It stands to reason.
Helpfully, the Express is doing its bit to prevent a Britain overtaken by Coverntries, by telling one and all that “killer” storms are to hit the UK for the next 25 years; David Beckham no longer plays for England, but lives and works in America; fly-tipping is soaring; and Briton is overrun by Rogarian immigrants…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Looking Down At Britney Spears
BRITNEY Spears is on the cover of the Sun and the Mirror.
No longer the doe-faced schoolgirl, Britney is pictured looking like a cross between John Redwood and Lisa Marie Presley.
“THE ABYSS,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. But Britney is not sinking. Britney Spears is front-page news. Drop the Cheryl Cole story, Britney has been taken to hospital.
More pictures of Spears inside the Mirror. She’s wearing a pink wig and holding a case of the Red Bull restorative. The Sun says Spears drinks 20 cans of the stimulating fizz a day. After this advert, she will never have to buy another one as the drink makers send her them by the lorryload.
Celebrity sells. Muck, brass and pop.
“Do you have a story about a showbiz star,” asks the paper.” It could be worth good money.”
We wonder about that 1984 meeting with John Inman and the time we saw Dave Lee Travis in the Bournemouth branch of Boots. And celebrity agents discover that their charges are addicted to Mercedes Benz cars and Jaffa Cakes…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
John Gaunt’s Breathing Space
JOHN Gaunt’s Sun column is required reading for anyone with breathing difficulties.
Gaunt writes as if he’s scared to breathe. Any pause and he will lose the thread and forget what’s he’s shouting about. Accordingly, and cleverly, he has developed a writing style that means readers can join his column at any point – top, end, even mid-senstence – and still know what his opinion is.
Today, Guant tells us that the Sundays Times, calls him the “king of talk radio” and a “star”. The Sunday Times is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s company, which also owns The Sun.
Gaunt tells us that Ross Kemp In Afghanistan is “going to clean up at every ceremony”. Ross playing at soldiers will win gongs at the Baftas, a TV Quick Award and a statuette moulded into the shape of pointy finger for Best Soap Opera Row.
Sky One is also owned by Rupert Murdoch’s company.
John Gaunt is his own man…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Magic Moments With Boris Johnson
A PICTURE of Boris Johnson in the Mirror.
It is of “BORIS THE SMIRKER”.
A woolly hat pulled over his haystack hair, the Tory candidate for London mayor is walking in the city in the company of two men. Johnson has his left hand stuffed in his outside jacket poket.
The two men are each reaching with their right hands inside their left inside coat pockets.
If this were America, we might suppose Johnson was about to be offed. Insterad he smirks, perhaps waiting to be presented with a huge bunch of cotton flowers, a white rabbit or Paul Daniels.
The story, and one is hardly needed, is that Johnson “refuses to apologise for failing to declare £234,000 of campaign donations”. These were not made by him, rather to him.
Johnson says he was told he did not have to register the money. He may be right. The Mirror does not say.
What we do learn is that it’s all desperately unfair, particularly in light of how Peter Hain was hounded from his job as Work And Pensions minister over undeclared funds.
“TRICKY TORY,” says the Mirror. “Shazzamm!” say the paper’s reporters.
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jeremy Beadle Spotted
JEREMY Beadle is in the Mirror. “We were Beadled,” says the headline.
It’s a collection of Beadle’s “victims”.
“He was just out of this world,” says the Star.
Have you spotted the nation’s “arch prankster”?
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse’s Black Lolly
AMY Winehouse has gone “back to blackcurrant”.
Students of the Mirror’s Celebrity Cocaine masterclass may titter or become confused at the sight of Winehouse pushing a straw into her mouth.
The paper that successfully employed pictures of Kate Moss in a recording studio to train readers in how to take cocaine (although Moss might have been), and so spare us any embarrassment at showbiz get togethers, now delivers its Winehouse shocker.*
The other end of the Winehouse’s straw is secured in a carton of strawberry-flavoured Ribena. Has Winehouse poured the more daring headline-making blackcurrant cordial into a strawberry container to prevent detection?
The Mirror’s 3am Girls (“GOSSIP GONE TOXIC”) say Winehouse is partial to a Ribena lolly.
No lolly is featured. Although readers keen to see one can search the web for “Anthea Turner mivvy”, and begin to form an impressson of the thing.
“We had hoped that Amy Winehouse has given up her addictions once and for all. The blackcurrant flavouring might turn your lips charcoal, and you’ll get a blinding 10-second headache…but we’d rather she sucked on them than a crack pipe any day of the week.”
Even on a slow news day. “Phew” say the girls.
Pheweee!
* You can snort Ribena, but it may go down the wrong hole
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Chanelle Hayes Tastes Like She Looks
BY now you will wondering how Chanelle Hayes is getting on.
Chanelle..? Chanelle Hayes? How about Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes..?
Chanelle is making front-page news on account of her having changed her hair colour from a lighter brown to a darker brown.
Says Chanelle in the Star: “I fancied a change.”
Hence the new dark brown hair? “Chocolate brown,” says Chanelle. Hence the new chocolate brown hair, Chanelle?
“I get itchy ears,” says Chanelle, “so I love licking my hair and putitng it into my ear. It feels nice!”
And tastes better if it looks like chocolate…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s 18-Month Itch
HAS Cheryl Cole developed the 18-month itch?
Right now Cheryl is deciding what to do about her footballer, Ashley Cole.
It’s hard to know what to do for the best, what with Polly Hudson in the Mirror advising one thing and the GMTV team yet to make a united judgement.
And what of the itching? In “CHERLY: SEX TEST FEAR OVER ASHLEY”, Star readers learn “PRAY BITCH DIDN’T LEAVE YOU AN ITCH”.
It turns out that “DEVASTATED” Cheryl Cole “fears for her sexual health”. This after the news that one Aimee Walton says she slept with Cole’s
footballer, a claim echoed by mod-el Brooke Healy, who added that sex with said footballer was unprotected (although she claims the footballer’s
people paid her a sum of hush money by way of security).
Meanwhile, Cherly is, as reported, losing weight. The Sun says the singer has not eaten for a week. This is not some plan to get Cheryl in shape
for her next pop video, rather a reaction to her husband’s alleged philandering.
Nor is Cheryl to emabrk on her Itch Away The XTra Inch DVD workout. Although, Sceintists at the Michigan School of Dieting And Scratchology say itching can burn off more calories than sex…
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Caption Competition, Tabloids | Comments (6)
David Beckham Inkling Of Posh
“BECKS has a new girl on his arm..” announces the Mirror.
No, it not Cheryl Cole. It’s “HIS MISSUS”.
Readers get to see a picture of topless Beckham stood on beach. Down one arm are gangster tattoos. On the other is a picture of a topless Victoria Beckham in Betty Boo pose with “VICKY” running through a arrow to her heart.
Well, not quite. Although it might be because even equipped with an arrow, what occurs on Beckham’s left arm looks more like a fungal infection than a tattoo of any deliberate design.
The Mirror, however, it adamant that what we gazing upon is a rendering of Day-vid’s favourite picture of his wife, that one in which she sits on a chair and pouts. You may have seen it.
But it’s a bit tricky to see it on Beckham’s arm. Unless, of course, Victoria has become a two-dimensional black outline, in which instance, the likeness is spot on…
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Jeremy Beadle Is Not Dead
JEREMY Beadle is dead?
The Sun says so on its front page. It must be true? Mustn’t it? “KING OF PRANKS DIES,” announces the headline. “Beadle’s not about.”
The Anorak presses the picture of Beadle, expexting to hear the “Wha-ha-ha-hey!!!” of a laughing bag tucked beneath, or be sprayed with a jet to water.
To celebrate the passing of a man celebrated over two more pages – “Nation mourns TV joker”; “telly”s ‘uiltimate joker'” – the Sun fail to offer each of its readers a free stink bomb, plasticated dog turd or pepper sweet. This is hard to forgive.
But might it be that Beadle is not yet dead, but ready to pop out of a box on Noel Edmonds’ Deal Or No Deal and donate a £1 to charity for each word written about him in obituary?
Such an impression is only aided by the sound of Edmonds saying: “I’m so shocked – I didn’t realise he was so ill.”
Cue surely for a knock at the door and a bearded man dressed in a polcieman’s hemlet to step forward and ask Edmonds to accompany him down to the station. “Why?” asks Edmonds. “Because I’m lost,” says the policeman.
Of course, as a prankster, the comeback from the dead would be nothing so gentle. Pranks rely on a victim. It was Mel Brooks who said: “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”
But he is dead. Really he is. There’s his tombstone. We bend down to read the small inscription thereone.
“KICK ME,” its says. And the sound of heavy boots on gravel can be heard approaching from the rear…
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Cupping An Ear To Russell Brand’s Wooden Wee
NEWS that Russell Brand has urinated in a paper cup while broadcasing his show on BBC Radio 2 is of interest.
Brand is the Star’s “RADIO PEE-JAY”, standing up before relieving himself into a cup. The one arena of doubt is on whether this happening
occured live or was a prerecorded wee?
But how can we be so certain what was heard was the sound of a man weeing into a cup, and one made of paper?
Rather than this being the passing of a cultural milestone, a Where Were You When..? moment, it harks back to a more innocent time, when
ventriloquists were on the radio, on occassion in conversation with lip readers.
Brand is no less the “Wildman” of radio (Sun) than he is the new Lord Charles, with Orville’s backcombed hair and an emu down his pants.
For his next broadcast we expect to see Brand with Archie Andrews sat on his arm, educating listeners on life, love and which has the chattiest
tinky winky…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)
Tabloid Bingo With The Securitas Robbers
IN today’s edition of Tabloid Bingo, we take a look at the Secuitas Robbery gang.
Five men are sent down. One man not present in court is suspect Sean Lupton, aged 42. He is belived to have fled the country. Also missing is £32million of the £53million stolen.
The five have been sent down for 70 years, says the Express. Seventy years, says the Sun. The Mirror hears the echo, does the maths and says: “Securitas gang jailed for a total of 140 years.”
They will each serve at least half that total, which is – fag packet, pencil, wet finger – 70 years.
The Mail says Michelle Hogg, who gave evidence against the gang has a £7million price on her head.
The Guardian realises the danger and in its front-page teaser hides Hogg’s eyes beneath a strip of black. In case Ms Hogg is adopting that disguise, another picture has her eyes covered by an orange strip, so to confuse the bounty hunters.
The Mail publishes a shot of her full face, preferring not to put a mask or pennies on her eyes…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Jeremy Edwards Arrested And The Meaning Of Hunk
GOOD news in the Sun that Jeremy Edwards has been arrested “after being caught with cocaine in an area norotous for dealers and hookers”.
Mr Edwards, who presents Cooking The Books on Five – amateur chefs are encouraged to gril, boil and fry cooking books – was in Barbados when drama hit.
Those au fait with drugs, and whohave seen the Sun’s How To videos, may wonder why Mr Edwards should travel to the Carribean to fetch some of the drug, as is alleged, when the streets of the UK are snowed under with the stuff? Was it part of a follow up to reformed pop star Alex James’ Colombian adventure?
The answer to it all comes via the Sun, which says Mr Edwards was on holiday at the time of his arrest. And this brings us to the good news.
Jeremy Edwards is billed as a “TV hunk”. A picture of Edwards shows that “hunk” is now a term that embraces men carrying a bit of timber, dressed in voluminous surf shorts and looking pensive.
The Anorak will spend the remainder of the day being known as The Daily Hunk. Old Mr Anorak, our patron, is delighted and feels 73 again…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Feel The Burn With Sarah Ferguson
“THE Duchess of York nearly burnt her house down yesterday after leaving a scented candle alight in a toilet.”
So reports the Sun in story that could only be more blessed with Anorak’s pet irritants had Fergie been distracted from her housework by the sight of Noel Edmonds’ conversations with God on Deal Or No Deal.
It is a little known truth that the fires of hell are infused with the scent of roses, David Beckham Instinct and lavender. This is something even the good folks at the Westboro Baptist Church believe to awful to reveal to sinners. (Their Heath Ledger tribute can be read here.)
Hell may also feature Fergie dressed in a Laura Ashley-print Leotard inviting you to measure her waist and then guess her weight, for eternity…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Who Hell John Loughton Is Brother Big
WHO is John Loughton. Or to put it another way, as the Star does: “WHO THE HELL’S HE?”
While the Stars headline writer does an imitation of Mohammed Al Fayed, the paper’s Big Brother expects discover – yes, you’ve guessed it – that Louhgton is the latest winner of Big Brother.
The Star takes the question to the streets, asking “Who’s The Hell’s He?” of eight everyday persons. Two think Loughton is a comic; one thinks he’s a magician; four have no idea who is; and Laura “knew who he was – eventiually”.
Says Jim Whatshisname: “The test will be if anyone says: ‘You’re John from Big Brother. If that happens, I’ll let you know.”
Although the odds on him meeting a Daily Star hack, or Laura, are slimmer than Jade Goody’s Indian fan club…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Jordan Names Her Price
NO sooner does Katie Price retire her gargantuan Jordans than her sister Sophie enters the family business.
Sophie, 18, wears a pair of black and red knickers with “TEASE ME” written the front. The bra top well might match but the legend is split by the Sophie cleavage and all we can read is “TEAS”.
Were Sophie to turn around, she may well advertise “BUNS” across her posterior and “CRISPS” on the elastic.
If Sophie is to keep the Price firm aloft in a tough economic climate, she may need a bigger banner, something that can stretch to TEAS, COFFEES, SODAS, MILK & FREE DELIVERY FOR ORDERS OVER £20.
She may well have need of those JORDANS…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Deconstructing Britney Spears: Media Studies
BRITNEY Spears is sitting on a low wall.
Britney Spears is wearing a Tommy Trinder-style trilby hat, an anorak and a small Yorkshire Terrier.
Britney Tears (Mail) is wearing a pair of denim hotpants (not visble) and a “fedora hat” (back to hat class for the Mail).
Britney Spears says: “I’m fine. I’m sitting for once and having a nice time with my dog.”
Britney Spears is suffering from “mental issues”, suggest Barbara Walters on The View TV show.
Britney Spears’s agent Sam Lufti told Barabra Walters that Britney was starting “some kind of treatment”.
Britney Spears’ dog is called London.
Britney Spears is not alone. Kylie Minogue says she can help her.
Discuss. Debate. And contrast.
And in 300 words or less tell us what you think Britney Spears is doing, and what she should do next…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
