Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Guess The Celebrity Illness, With Page 3 Stunna Jo Guest
HAPPY news that Jo Guest is closer to diagnosing her “mystery illness”.
And it all thanks to Daily Star readers.
Is this a new celebrity game whereby readers are invited to guess what’s wrong with a Page 3 stunna? In “You The Doctor”, Star readers get to strip Jo to her undies and ask her to look back over ther shoulder and cough?
It turns out that it’s nothing so credible. The news is that Star readers have been looking at “battling babe” Jo and appraised her. As a result, Jo has compiled a list of possible “causes” and passed it onto her GP?
Says Jo: “I can be tested for more things and am now a bit closer to getting better. So I’d like to thank everyone who has got in contact.”
Thank you, ‘randy of Bridlington’ for suggesting “Lyme disease”. White coats off to ‘Gillingham Steve’ for “diverticulitis”. And well done, ‘Sexy Sam’ from Melton Mowbray for an “allergy to iodine”.
The findings have been made available to Dr Chris Steele – GMTV’s man with a stethoscope – who is “taking a personal interest in her case”.
Watch out for Steele looking over Jo on the telly. Next week he will investigate if Jo’s is allergic to aadvarks; the folling week Dr Chris wonders about an acanthosephian worm infection; the week after…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Chery Cole And Ashley Walk The Talk
“CHERYL WALKS,” announces the Mirror’s front page.
Nothing epitomses Cheryl Cole’s career to date so much as her departure, and the Sun leads with news that she walks and talks.
But these are early days in a celebrity career. And it turns out that Cheryl does her walking by car and allows her agent to talk on her behalf. He tells us: “They are definitely still together. There is obviously lots of stuff going on at the moment and Cheryl has gone away for a break to clear her head for a few days.”
Readers may wonder if Ashley Cole is to carry on playing football for Chelsea by electing a paid representative to kick balls for him, leaving him free to engage in more meaningful pursuits and further enjoy his elevated status?
But if Cheryl and Ashley aren’t doing much – although the papers say the singer (that’s her) spent yeasterday sobbing – others are happy to talk on their behalf.
GMTV viewers were yesterday treated to the sight of Lizzie Cundy, wife of former Spurs footballer Jason Cundy, wailing against kiss ‘n’ tell girls. She was going chest-to-chest with the penumatic Alicia Douvall, who blasted “cheating rat” Ashley. The debate became heated and Douvall poured tea over Cundy.
That is how much Cheryl and Ashley mean to us. And if Cheryl is still undecided what to do next, the columnists are happy to chip in.
“You always said you’d dump him Cheryl…so do it,” says Jane Moore in the Sun. Moore recalls Cheryl making the prediction that if her man cheated, the marriage was “kaput, finito, sooo over”.
As any good columnist and nodding head knows, you have to stand by your forecasts, or else hope they are forgotten in the welter of news.
“Only she can decide whether its worth hanging on to her flawed marriage,” says the Mirror’s Sue Carroll. Should Cheryl dump that “chancer” Cole? Up to you, Cheryl, the “Crown Princess of Wags” (Allison Pearson, Mail).
Moore’s colleague Polly Hudson is not so circumspect. “At last I can say the words I’ve been dying to since last Friday,” says Polly. “HAPPY WEDNESDAY!” Or rather, “YAY CHERYL… It can’t have been easy to face the fact Prince charming is nothing but a slimy toad with a ‘not very big’ appendage.”
But now the facts have been faced, Cheryl can make her move. She can walk. She was talk. And one day, when the healing is done, she will be ready to do both at once…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Dancing On Ice, The Celebrity Cull
ANOTHER victim in the Dancing On Ice celebrity cull as Christopher Dean pulls up for surgery.
The fallen, tripped and slammed:
Underwood, Michael (broken ankle)
Lusardi, Linda (hairline fracture)
Shaw, Suzanne (scalp sliced open)
Anthea’s Law of Diminishing Celebrity states that the coefficient of the Katona should not overarch the Jordan to the power of Edmonds lest the sum should equate to less than zero.
The cull is underway…
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Cheryl Cole Gives Ashley Her Rules Of The Game
LET’S have a heated debate about Cheryl Cole, wife to Ashley Cole.
The Star says Cheryl wants to speak with Aimee Walton, the hairdresser who claims to have slept with the vomitous footballer.
Chances are any meeting will be captured on a camera phone.
Cheryl may also care to meet with Brooke Healey, a glamour model, who tells the Sun of Ashley: “He said he didn’t do protection and not to worry because everything would be cool…Luckily I didn’t get pregnant – but for weeks I was worried I might be.”
Cheryl may care to meet with both women and in Cheryl Cole Meets… invite fans to suggest questions via a website. The three can then talk about how none of them have been impregnated by Cole and if athletic support wear is safe.
Rules Of Engagement
Over in the Mirror, readers learn of Cheryl’s “five rules for cheating Ashley”. No, not that Ashley must not get caught, although that may well be the Golden Rule.
CASHLEY MUST:
1. “Produce at least one romantic gesture every fortnight” – and if he can produce camera phone footage as proof, so much the better2. Spend more ‘quality time’ with me – and less time on the computer and his PlayStation” – euphemisms, perhaps, for Walton and Healey, although in which order is uncertain
3. Stay away from your male friend – or anyone likely to lead you “astray” – Ashley Cole is as straight as they come
4. Keep in constant contact so “I can keep track on where you are” – A satnav device implanted into Ashley’s jockstrap will suffice
5. “Avoid alcohol and big nights out for the next two months” – Detox
But the Mirror’s Polly Hudson has just one rule: “Don’t let me down, Cherly..ditch him.”
This is Polly’s “URGENT MESSAGE FOR MRS COLE”. She concludes her editorial: “Take a deep breath, be brave and show that disloyal loser the door. Make us all proud again. Please.”
A nation waits…
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Blur, Blur, Blur: Alex James Talks Bananas And Cocaine
WRITES Alex James, formerly of the band Blur: “In the UK cocaine goes hand in hand with champagne, yoga and organic vegetables. It enjoys an exclusive upmarket cachet.”
Says James: “Actually you might as well eat live engendered monkeys while wearing a blindfold and firing an automatic machine gun as take cocaine.”
Celebrities are always looking for the next big thing and may care to take James up on his offer.
Others will customise the trend and eat an Uzi while blindfolding the last of a monkey breed. But such is the way in the creative industries.
James, who has taken cocaine and is now a reformed cocaine taker, tells us: “Farmers have trouble selling their bananas to Europe but we happily buy cocaine.”
The tabloid press has yet to produce grainy images of a celebrity snorting bananas. But if James can show us how, the demand and price for bananas will rocket and everyone will be deliriously happy…
Alex James is a cheese farmer
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
If The Amy Winehouse Name Misfits: Life And Rhymes
VERY few words rhyme with Amy Winehouse.
Mouse. Louse. Grouse. Spouse. If pronounced in upper class “Wine-hARse”, the possibility for more rhymes opens up.
Or if the emphasis placed on the final ‘e’ to give Winehous-e, pretty much every word in the dictionary can be similarly altered, although the risk of sounding like Stanley Unwin is acute.
It is much the same for David Beckham and Jonny Wilkinson, for whom there are only limited rhymes. Becks offered alternatives with his “Bend It Like…” franchise and Becks nickname. Wilkinson is always Wilkinson and for such reasons has never been immortalised in rhyme, nor tight white under-kecks.
Happily, Winehouse once sang a song in which she repeated her decision not to go to rehab three times. She has now been to rehab twice, and is currently residing in the Capio Nightingale hospital, London.
The Sun looks in and sees that Winehouse is watching films – Some Like It Hot, The Misfits and the Seven Year Itch.
The headline, and with it the story is: “THEY OFFERED ME SOME FILMS IN REHAB I SAID….Monroe-roe-roe!”
Tomorrow Sun writers press F9 on their keyboards and come up with another Winehouse exclusive…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Matt Drudge’s Gives America The Daily Mail
MATT Drudge, publisher of The Drudge Report, continues to look at the UK with the Daily Mail’s matchsticks propping up his eyelids.
You cannot look away. The monster crabs, wasps the size of single mums birds and a new virus so big shoppers in the leafier parts of Waitrose can see it with the naked eye are upon us.
The Mail spots the enemy and then turns it into the UK’s hate figure.
This and looking at woman who dare to get old (and not wear chiffon), cancer, things that are cancers (asylum seekers, football fans, being fat etc.) and how we all hate today’s Britain are the mainstays of the Daily Mail.
And is is from this source that Matt Drudge trawls the news for his readers.
Irony Of Ironies
There are some who say that Americans do not do irony. This is clearly nonsense. Americans created and watched Seinfeld.
But there is no irony in Drudge’s presentation of the story that a large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and could hit the Earth in late February or early March. Or not.
The sense of the absurd is not dented by the discovery that the man who is telling us not to panic is called Pike. Mr Pike says it’s “not likely the threat from the satellite could be eliminated by shooting it down with a missile, because that would create debris that would then re-enter the atmosphere and burn up or hit the ground”.
Pike is the director of the defense research group GlobalSecurity.org. He estimates that the spacecraft weighs about 20,000 pounds and is the size of a small bus.
Which means Drudge’s audience get:
THE SPY IS FALLING: Disabled Satellite Threatens Earth…
On the Mail’s website the story is illustrated by a still of Bruce Willis saving the Earth from Armageddon.
But not saving us from the space virus that has hitched a lift on the satellite…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
This Mills & Boon Race: Polish Taught British Sex
ROMANCE, or ro-mahnce, as Chris de Burgh had it, is synonymous with the UK.
A nation of lovers, Britons are always on the look out for romance, and will romance just about anything, even a fence or a bicycle, just so long as it is there.
Many is the Briton dawdling in fields of livestock, looking dewy-eyed at traffic cones and policeman’s helmets.
Used condoms litter parks, rest homes and swing areas as a tribute to romance.
And now we welcome others into our layby off the M6. The Mail reports that Mills & Boon is to publish its novels in Polish and sell them in branches of W H Smiths.
In readiness, the Anorak produces some key English romance phrases and puts them into Polish:
- Masz bardzo piekne oczy – How’s about it?
- Kocham Cie – Get a wiggle on he only popped out to get petrol
- Czy wyjdziesz za mnie? – Have you seen a doctor about that?
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Rogarians And Other Migrants Bring Crime To UK
“MIGRANTS SEND OUR CRIME RATE SOARING,” announces the Daily Express.
The front page of the WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER illustrates the point.
Readers see a picture of Madeleine McCann (victim, ergo British), Mr Joaquim Agostinho (“oddball”, Portuguese, natch.) and Maxine Carr (Bulgarian former lover to Romanian-born Soham killer Ian Huntley).
“Police chief blames 35% rise in violence on new arrivals,” says the Express. And we Express readers are amazed that the figure should be so low.
The Express’s understatement is admirable. The paper understands the dangers of exaggeration and inflaming the situation. It will not state that 100% of crime this country is linked to Rogarians and their kin. To do so would be irresponsible.
What to do?
It turns out that Mick Fuller, chief Constable of Kent, says the only way to stave off still more crime is to have more crime prevention officers.
Says Mr Fuller: “There’s a danger that if the future funding regime fails to respond to dynamic changes in migration, the extra demand this generates will impact negatively on performance.”
Mr Fuller speaks in a peculiar form of English, possibly to prevent the foreign villains understanding much of what he says. But we get the gist of the paper’s story.
More money for more coppers! More money for today’s coppers! And not more money for foreigners, even if some of them may be foreign coppers..!
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Playing Home And Away With Ashley Cole And Cheryl
WHAT happens next in the lives of Cheryl and Ashley Cole may depend on what newspaper the Girls Aloud singer (that’s Cheryl) picks up first.
The Daily Star leads with “CHERYL – I’ve forgiven Ashley”. Says Cheryl: “Ashley’s a wonderful husband and we are in love. I won’t let this woman destroy our marriage.”
“DUMP HIM,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “Family tell Cheryl: Ditch cheat Ashley.”
Says a “family member: “If all this turns out to be true, where does that leave Cheryl? Married to a man who cannot be trusted.”
Question asked. Question answered.
There’s a word in the Mirror from Cassie Sumner, who once dated Chelsea midfielder Michael Essien. Cassie is known to tens of you as the manager/owner/stacker of TV’s Wags Boutique.
Says she: “Whether or not Ashley slept with this girl, the fact that he ended up alone with her in a bedroom is a betrayal in itself.” She ends with the from-one-Wag-to-another-Wag advice “kick him out – Love Cassie”.
Cheryl may now be in quandary. Everyone has only her best interests at heart. A deciding vote is needed. And it might come via the Sun’s front page: “EXCLUSIVE WHAT COLE’S PEOPLE TOLD BLONDE HE BEDDED – If you’re pregnant, we’ll fix it.”
So concerned was Aimee about being pregnant that she shared her fears with Cole and arranged a meeting to discuss matters, taking along a friend and a tape reorder. Interestingly: “The pregnancy scare turned out to be a false alarm.”
But as opinions for of Aimee, here’s Brooke Healy to say that she too slept with Cole and was given £6,000 to keep quiet. Whether or not she is now required to repay the money is not enlarged upon. The Sun’s Page 3 girl, Nikkala, is “deeply disappointed” with “love-rat Ashley”.
The tin lid is put on the Sun’s advice when we read that a “MASSIVE” 83 per cent of Sun readers called in and told Cheryl that she should dump Ashley.
But what will Cheryl do? Who does she listen to? Who has her best interests at heart: The Sun, The Mirror or the Star? Or should she wait and see what OK! has to offer?
Aimee Helps Poor Cheryl Cole Understand Sick, Cheating Ashley
Cheryl Tweedy & Ashley Cole’s Wedding
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Tony Parsons On Heath Ledger And The Meaning Of Tragic
In “IT BROKE MY HEART”, the Mirror’s Tony Parsons manages to combine Heath Ledger’s death and the actions of Le Rogue Trader Jerome Kerviel.
“It makes me laugh to read that the French trader who lost £3.6billion for Societe Generale was driven by two tragedies – splitting up with his wife and the death of his father,” says Parsons, laughing.
Tony is capturing the synergy between the showbiz press and the world of high finance. It take a columnist to spot links in what you or I may see as a non-sequitur. It’s what makes him a legend in Fleet Street.
Parson notes: “Splitting up with someone is not a tragedy. Nor is burying a parent when you are in your 30s a tragedy. These are the knocks we all suffer in everyday life. Calling them tragedies is overkill.
“Look at the faces of Heath Ledger’s devastated parents – burying your child is a tragedy.
“Think about Heath Ledger’s two-year-old daughter Matilda – that little girl never knowing her father is a tragedy.”
Tragic stuff…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Toff Shop: Kate Moss And Princess Beatrice Go Shopping
WE no longer keep up with the Royal Family, but seek to be their betters.
A survey of what Anorak’s typing pool knows of Her Majesty reveals that she keeps breakfast cereals in Tupperware boxes, enjoys Kirsty’s Home Videos on the telly and manages racing pigeons.
The Queen is, of course, so afar above us that she has no need to care. While OK! celebrities plump the cushions and wear suits shiny enough to shave in, Royals slum it in cords and Wellington boots.
Thoughts turn to such matters as we read in the Star that Princess Beatrice is to go shopping with Kate Moss. The shopping spree will happen in New York, where many Britons head in search of a bargain.
The royal PR campaign to make the Family seem normal continues unabated, not derailed by Prince Edward’s business failings, Prince Harry’s non-combatant Army role and Prince Andrew’s golf tour.
Says a source: “Shopping with style icon Kate is a dream come true…She is already excited about mixing vintage, second hand stuff with High Street labels and designer gear.”
To complete the common look, and burnish Bea’s street cred, the Windsor is said to have asked Kate for security advice. “Kate has recommended two female protection officers who she knows well.”
They’ll be the ones in classic black..
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Pete Doherty To Open Pet Zoo
FOLLOWING news of the world’s worst museum, we tell you of the world’s worst zoo: Pete Doherty’s World Of Animals.
The Star reports that Doherty (“Pet Doherty”) has to date collected a three-legged hedgehog, a rat with no tail and “lots of kittens”.
These kittens may be related to the cat Pete appeared to be encouraging to smoke crack cocaine.
A source says that Pete “hopes that by the end of the year he will be able to open his pet rescue centre at Marlborough to local schools so they can educate children about animals”.
But don’t all rush just yet. Schools should only book the outing once Pete has caught the Daddy Long Legs with the broken leg and ‘Slippy’ the silverfish…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Bully For You: Concerns Over New Video Game
BULLY is the new computer beat-‘em-up game from Rockstar.
The Sun says the game features a bully (see title) who “shoves heads down toilets, gives Chinese burns and fires at staff with catapults.”
“Teachers leader” Steve Sinnot is “deeply concerned”.
As are we. Not, that the skinhead teen star of the show is more self-assertive than bully, but that bullying has moved on so little.
This might have something to do with Bully being a game produced by older boys nostalgic for the 1970s and 1980s – or for 2006, when the game came out.
Game fans may have to wait a while for Bully XII when the youth is armed with a gun and mobile phone.
But by then that might too look anachronistic and less than real…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
What Richard & Judy Aren’t Wearing
VIEWERS of the Richard & Judy television show now know that Richard Madeley feels “incredibly hot” in his underwear.
This hotness is not a euphemism for sexual excitement, rather a genuine heat. It is something that Richard says explains his preference for not wearing underwear.
Richard, it turns out, likes the “freedom and feel of air”.
Unlike the Mirror, which brings this news to our attention, Anorak recalls the moment when Richard’s wife, the fragrant Judy, appeared on stage at a TV AGM and fell out of her top.
Might it be that hot underwear is contagious and Richard and Judy’s shared interests extend beyond televised discussions on potholes, Britain’s balance of trade and if pubic hair can be knitted…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Blake’s Media Medium For ‘Dead’ Amy Winehouse
THE jailed husband of junkie singer Amy Winehouse has warned her: “Quit smoking crack or you’ll be dead in three months.”
Blake Fielder-Civil, Mr Amy Winehouse, is talking to the News of the World from his digs inside Pentonville prison.
Says Blake: “Every day I fear the prison chaplain is going to walk into my cell and break the news that Amy is dead.”
Readers may wonder how Blake, awaiting trial over allegations of trial-fixing and GBH, has managed to save up enough phone card credits to call the tabloid press, or if they have called him on secret mobile phone.
It turns out that Blake is speaking not directly to the papers but through his “devoted mum Georgette”.
Channelling Blake
Mum’s eyes roll back into her skull as she channels her misled son. Says Blake:
“My parents have both pleaded with me to divorce Amy and I told her so before she finally agreed to go in for treatment. They think she’s the Black Widow who will be the death of me if I don’t end our marriage. But I’d prefer to have a short life with Amy than a long life without her.”
This is, of course, not mum talking but her boy. Georgette is not like Amy’s mum, who wrote a letter to her daughter and then posted it to the tabloids. Georgette know how to communicate with her child.
A voice moves within her: “I understand their concerns. Drugs made me like a zombie. I was also selfish, self-centred and cruel-tongued…”
Mum understands. But do Amy’s parents, the in-laws? Do they understand as well as Georgette?
The voice returns:
“They have laid all the blame at me and I know they could have done more to force her into rehab a long time ago. I hate Amy’s father, Mitch. My mother calls him The Fat Controller. He is on Amy’s payroll. They are all on Amy’s payroll. What man takes money off his daughter? Mitch ought to be ashamed. He should get off his a*se, get his little black cab out of his drive and earn a living or do something and save his daughter.”
Georgette’s shoulders may well sag a little, her frame exhausted by the force of her son’s words.
Make It Stop!
But still the words come. She jerks to life. Her jaw begins to wag:
“She is thin, she is bulimic and she looks ill. Bulimia is deadly in itself and I’ve tried without success to make her eat properly…. Pete Doherty is a bad influence and I don’t want her doing drugs with him. I have advised Amy to be very careful and stay clear.”
A red bra hovers before our eyes. “I told my mother, ‘It’s not very nice that every con in Pentonville is going to see my wife in a bra.'”
Finally:
“My mum’s visits have been immensely important to me and I know she wants me to leave Amy. I would never turn my back on my mother and I pray that I never have to chose between my parents and Amy. So it is up to the two of us to get free of drugs and then everyone can be happy.”
Blake may well have more to say, but Georgette’s jaw is exhausted. Rest now…
Posted: 27th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Mel B’s Sex With Eddie Murphy (Video)
SAYS a source on Mel B, the Spice Girl’s very own Carol Jackson:
“Mel said all the problems would go away if Eddie agreed to her demands for a $9MILLION (that’s £4.5million) house in Malibu plus living expenses for 18 YEARS.”
An “insider” tells the News of the World: “They slept together just three times.” They created a child.
Readers learn: “Of course he will pay to support Angel at the moment it’s $15,000 (£7,500) a month…”
A token gesture by a man with shame on him…
Posted: 27th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Totty Hot Spur: Jermain Defoe Can Stand It
“SPURS ace Jermain Defoe rolls off the busty mistress he has kept secret for an astonishing SEVEN YEARS… and plants the cups of her giant 36GG bra on his head.”
The News of the World goes on:
“For all these years I’ve clung to a belief that we might be together one day—but all he wants me for is sex,” sighs Stephanie Moule.
“He’s obsessed with my 36GG boobs. He loves it that he can fit his head into one of my bra cups—and he’s happy just sitting there in my bedroom like that, with my bra on his head.
“Immediately after he climaxes he wants to go again. So he does naked handstands up against the wall because he believes it helps speed things up.
“He’s continued to meet up with me for sex despite being engaged to David Beckham’s sister and then Charlotte Mears. And it’s been no different since he’s been with Danielle Lloyd.”
Anorak resists the urge to file this under “beyond parody”. But it’s a true challenge…
Posted: 27th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Skating On Thin Ice: Julie Mccaffrey On Vicky Beckham’s Pob Job
IN “Posh copied my hairstyle”, the Mirror looks at a Dancing On Ice “Exclusive” – ‘KRISTINA’ CAME BEFORE VIC’S POB SKATE STAR KRISTINA LENKO.”
The Pob is the name by which Canadian-born Kristina’s hair goes by.
Says she: “My hair was below my waist for a long time. But just before the first series of Dancing On Ice I told my stylist, ‘Do whatever you like’. He came up with this and I was delighted – it’s so easy to look after.”
A brisk walk, a biscuit and Kristina’s hair shines like a Pug’s nose.
She goes on: “I’m flattered and humbled that so many people like it so much. I was in the Australian version of the show when Jayne Torvill said, ‘Guess who’s got a Kristina cut now? Posh! That’s pretty amazing.”
But Kristina is a professional ice dancer and may take offence at the word’s of Julie Mccaffrey, the Mirror’s hack who begins her piece: “Gliding around the rink with all the effortless elegance of a swan, Kristina Lenko makes skating look so damn easy.”
Anorak has been to the lake and seen a swan trying to negotiate the ice. It is not enough unlike watching an un-sunned Vanessa Feltz jelly wrestling.
Duly, Kristina may care to rearrange Ms Mccaffrey’s hair, and, given the levels of violence (and here) exhibited on the show, alter her features, too…
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Cole To Newcastle’s Cheryl: Ashley Is Kicked Into Touch
“SOBBING Cheryl Cole was ‘inconsolable’ yesterday after discovering love rat hubby Ashley had humiliated her by sleeping with a hairdresser”
Yesterday the Sun led with “ASHLEY CHEATS ON CHERYL”, words that any football fan can chant whenever Cole turns out for Chelsea or England.
A source says the furious Girls Aloud singer, a Newcastle native, yelled at her husband: “How could you humiliate me like this in front of everyone?”
Sun readers cup their ears and lean in. “Get out. It’s over – you’ve ruined it all.”
“Should Cheryl dump Ashley for good?” asks the Sun.
YES:0906 654 ****
NO: 0906 654 ****
Cherlyl awaits your call. She can’t answer them all, and may need her mum to operate the ‘YES’ and ‘NO ‘lines during busy times.
Should the hammer fall on “NO”, Ashley and Cherly can renew their wedding vows in OK!, or perhaps in a bid not to revist old ground by move on, Hello!.
If it is “YES”, then Cheryl may need to grow her hair long or find another Mr Cole to marry, as the charming tattoo on the back of her neck demands.
Happily, Ashley is teammates with one Joe Cole, a single footballer who may well step up to the mark…
Aimee Helps Poor Cheryl Cole Understand Sick, Cheating Ashley
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Prince Edward Soldiers On
PRINCE Edward’s son is unwell.
James Wessex is scooped up and rushed to hospital. At Great Ormond Street, mum, Sophie Wessex, waits for news.
Says a palace spokeswoman in the Mirror: “James suffered a minor allergic reaction. It’s not lifethreatening and not serious.”
Phew!
“Edward continued with his royal duties yesterday, despite his son’s condition.”
Phew!!
“The spokeswoman said the prince’s diary had not been altered because of the hospital visit.”
Phew-eee!!!
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Canterbury Moves To Ban The French
ALL aboard the coach to Canterbury. And Canterbury has standards.
In the council chambers, the town’s burgers are discussing important matters, namely a proposal for a new coach park.
Talk turns to users of the coach park and what sort of persons the venue will attract.
Says Liberal Democrat councillor Alex Perkin, a moderate: “I’m not sure we want tourists who spray their hair green and squirt silly string all over the place.”
Then: “What we need is quality tourism and people who come for a few days and stay in our hotels.”
What Canterbury requires as much as a coach park is a rigid code of conduct, produced in both French and English. The French sigh should say “NON!” in massive letters and remind one and all that it was Adolf Hitler who first called Kent The Garden Of England…
If I ruled
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
David Cameron Is Read The Road Traffic Act
IN “CAMERON’S RED BLUES”, the Mirror continues its expose onto the life of David Cameron and watches him ride his bicycle through a red light.
“Cam-ikaze,” says the paper.
A pedestrian is angered enough to call the Daily Mirror and tell them all about it.
Cameron’s response to the matter was, apparently to say: “Well, I haven’t collided with anyone have I?”
But it is the pedestrian’s response that stands out. The Mirror hears him yell at the Tory leader: “Doesn’t the Road Traffic Act apply to you?”
These are the words of a pedant. Does anyone know the rules of the Road Traffic Act? Cameron appears wise not to have engaged the pedestrian in a debate on the Act and all its section and clauses.
And this is wise not least of all because if the pedestrian doesn’t get out the way sharpish he may well be run down by Mr Cameron’s car, the one carrying his briefcase…
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Rolling Stones Get Model Daughters
CLEAR evidence as to why Rolling Stones’ band members squire models.
The Mail reports that Georgia May Jagger, sister to Elizabeth Jagger (model) is to becomes a model, like her mum Jerry Hall.
Georgia May is half-sister to Jade Jagger (cover girl).
Theodora Richards, daughter to Keith Richards, is also a model. So too is Leah Wood, daughter to Ronnie Wood.
Geneticists may well marvel at how these models all managed to inherit their mothers good looks and none of their father’s musical talent…
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
The White Madonna: They Come To Stare (Update: Eva Longoria’s Knees)
RIGHTLY, the Daily Mail continues to shine a brilliant light on female celebrities who show signs of aging.
Yesterday, Mail readers were invited to gaze upon Madonna’s shins. Dressed in knee-length jogging bottoms – who the hell does she think she is!? – Madonna was walking from her home to her gym in full daylight.
Today the Mail looks at those shins once more. The shins are “exceptionally pale” – “one of which appeared to have a mysterious groove running down it.”
Readers can see a red arrow aimed at this “mysterious mark”.
Readers can get the Madonna look by wearing a long ribbed sock, ripping it off at the last moment before stepping out. Non-white readers should keep the sock on.
Happily, Madonna has heard the cries of outrage and the throaty gulps as Britons try to hold down their kebabs and decided to walk no further than 20 yards. This is the distance between her home and the new gym she has had created in an adjacent house.
The Mail notes that “her exercise routine is so regular that crowds have started to gather on the quiet road, waiting for her inevitable appearance”.
They come to stare, to marvel at the white legged lady. They watch in silence…
UPDATE: “Eva Longoria reveals her desperately knobbly knees” – In Today’s Daily Mail
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
