Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Amy Winehouse And Peter Dohety’s New Single
LOOK out for Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse’s collaboration on the Hokey Cokey.
The Mirror reports that Winehouse is “BACK TO REHAB”. She is currently performing at the Capio nightingale Hospital in North London.
As the photographs in the venue’s eatery show, this is the celebrity rest home where Doherty also spent a while.
It is hoped that Winehouse will experience similar successes to Doherty for whom the clinic was an unmitigated success. He is now as clean as a Al Gore’s fridge freezer.
However, the clinic, as with so many clinics, seems to be accessed via a revolving door.
There are recorded examples of celebrities failing to beat their demons first time around and needing to return.
They put their left foot in, their left foot out, they do the hokey cokey and they turn around.
They put their wholeselves in, their wholeselves out, they do the hockey cokey and they turn around.
And that’s what it’s all about…
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
How To Give Birth Like A Celebrity, With Nolan And Logan
GIVING birth by C-elebrity Section is now the done thing in our hospitals.
And in Module 2 of How To Be A Celebrity Mum, the Mirror looks at if it is right for the celebrity father to be at the birth?
“YES,” says Strictly Come Dancing’s Kenny Logan, husband to BBC presenter Gabby Logan.
“NO,” says Coleen Nolan, Mirror columnist and former member The Nolans music ensemble.
Says Kenny: “Nothing is more vital than being there…not even football.”
Says Coleen: “You just don’t want to be worrying that your man is going to faint.”
Pregnant women called Kelly, Aimee and Nikki are caught on the horns of a dilemma. Do they get their footballer and soap actor into the birthing room or not?
And if so, will OK! or Hello! be allowed to make the video?
The debate thunders on…
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Young Blades Needed In Dancing On Ice Meltdown
MORE thrills in the world of pre-celebrity ice dancing as GMTV’s roving reporter Michael Underwood falls to the ice.
His ankle is broken.
Underwood now adds his name to a lengthening roll of honour:
Lusardi, Linda (hairline fracture)
Shaw, Suzanne (scalp sliced open)
Soon the show’s producers will be forced to enlist people from everyday walks of life, hand them a stretchy Lycra singlet and some blades.
What we thought would never happen again may be soon made so. We are running out of celebrities on the frontline and need reserves.
Call Anthea Turner. Sound the bugle. Last call for Anthea Turner…
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Aimee Helps Poor Cheryl Cole Understand Sick, Cheating Ashley
NEWS that footballer Ashley Cole has cheated on his singer wife Cheryl with one Aimee Walton occupies all our minds.
This is “Cole’s sex with blonde hairdresser,” says the Sun. It is Cole’s “booze-fuelled night of lust”.
Over two pages blonde Aimee tells us all. “It was a big mistake,” says Aimee, a hand placed on her hip, her eyes looking into the lens, a smile playing on her lips. “I feel so sorry for Cheryl.”
But Cheryl would appreciate knowing the truth. Aimee understands that. Aimee also knows that if we can all hear of her sex with married Ashley then we can all help poor Cheryl recover and make some sense of her now hollow and shambolic life.
As Aimee says: “I feel so sorry for Cheryl… Now I feel really guilty. She should know that he’s really like.”
So here are the facts we need to help poor Cheryl. Print them out and keep them handy in case you should happen upon poor Cheryl and want to converse with her.
ASHLEY COLE:
“SLAPPED her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark”
“VOMITED in a girl’s car – then claimed she should feel ‘privileged’”
“CLAIMED Girls Aloud singer Cheryl ‘didn’t mind’ him cheating as long as he kept it a secret”
“INTERRUPTED their sex session to be sick again”
Says Aimee: “He’s wild – really rude in bed. He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good, despite not being very big.”
Ashley Cole is around five feet seven inches high.
Sick! Sick! Sick!
Says Aimee:
“As we were walking out of the club I asked Ashley about Cheryl but he clammed up. I remember thinking I was going home with a married man and that his wife was one of the most famous singers in the country. I asked him if he would get in trouble with Cheryl and he just said, absurdly, ‘She knows what I do. I just can’t get found out’. I was really shocked by that — it showed he couldn’t care less about breaking his marriage vows.”
Some people, eh. They have such low standards. Tsk! Go on, Aimee:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (49)
Randy Newman Was Right About Short People
IT was Randy Newman who fist alerted us to the dangers of Short People.
Following Anorak’s news that Short People Are Robbing Swedish Travellers, the Sun sees how little people reacts to an open window.
Amid talk of “tiny tea-leaves” hiding in luggage and being smuggled into the holds of coaches, readers see one Phil Holden.
Mr Holden, 31, is 4ft 6inches high. As such, the Sun’s writer should know what to expect. And sure enough the small person is soon pictured secreting himself inside a suitcase.
The Sun’s unsuspecting hack then pushes the bag onto a bus.
“Once on board, Phil steps from the case to rifle through passengers’ belongings,” says the caption to another still.
In the final instalment, we read: “He shows off his ill-gotten gains.”
As a result of this, Anorak petitions the Government to ban all persons beneath a certain height from public transport.
The system works well with dodgem cars and there is every reason to believe can work in the grown-up world…
Celebrity Policing With Kate Moss And Sadie Frost
“COPS ARE CALLED TO KATE’S,” say the Mirror’s goss girls from their street corner staging post by Kate Moss’s home in St John’s Wood.
Moss has a new home in London and is hosting an evening soiree with some pals.
Songs are sung. Noise is made. Poles are danced around.
Neighbours complain. Says one: “I’ve nothing against people keeping fit, but do they really have need to make that much noise doing it?”
Indeed, it’s not as if they’re rehearsing for the Wimbledon tennis rubber, where grunting is de rigueur.
So the police recalled. Which is bad news. And worse news still for our celebrity police force who awake to realise that the Star’s picture of one of their number talking with Sadie Frost features only the side of his face, specifically the ear…
Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Kiefer Sutherland Gets The Cleaning Bug
CELEBRITY duster Angie MacKenzie will be overjoyed to note that A-lister Kiefer Sutherland has joined the cleaning ranks.
The Star pictures the Hollywood actor collecting rubbish.
Readers will recall that Boy George and Naomi Campbell have also been spotted cleaning in recent months. And it is clear that we are on the verge of a craze…
Note: Sutherland, George and Campbell qualified for celebrity cleaning via a court judgement. Angie MacKensie is clean…
Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Taxi For Amy Winehouse And Mitch
AMY Winehouse’s cab driver dad tells the Mirror that he is worried about his daughter.
Says Vanessa Feltz: “Just being Mitch doesn’t bear thinking about. He’s easily recognisable. We can only speculate about the sorts of things total strangers yell at him in the street.”
TAXI!
Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Heath Ledger: Things We Don’t Know About You
THE grim news of Heath Ledger’s death at least has one positive note: it gives the tabloid press something important to talk about. You can’t libel the dead. But you can talk about their drugs…
And you can ruin their funerals. You should see this…
DAILY STAR front page: “Heath I feel good about dying – Tragic star’s death wish”
Ledger said of his daughter: “It’s like a Catch 22 – I feel good about dying now because I feel like I’m alive in her”
More of in insight into Ledger’s lifestyle may be found in the news that his body was discovered by his maid, Theresa Solomon, and his masseuse, Diane Lee.
DAILY MIRROR front page: “ANTI-DEPRESSANT, ANTI-ANXIETY PILLS, SLEEPING PILLS, VALIUM – the heartbroken drugged-up world of Heath Ledger”
“WHAT HE WAS ON”: Ambien, Vlaium, Zoloft, Xanaz, Zoplicone and Donormyl
THE SUN front page: “TRAGIC HEATH’S SECRET COKE HELL”
Rebecca White, who worked as Naomi Campbell’s PA tells us: “When I was working with Naomi I saw Heath do drugs a few time”
DAILY EXPRESS front page: “The daughter left behind by tragic star Heath Ledger”
“He was born in Perth, which he called ‘the most isolated city in t the world”. He never stood a chance.
DAILY MAIL front page: “Drugs, depression and a lost love – what DID kill the star of Brokeback Mountain?”
Let’s have a heated debate…
* Fact: Heath Ledger was named after Edward Heath, a famous London landmark
Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Hope For Page 3 Girl Jo Guest
MORE news on former glamour model Jo Guest, who has been “hit by a mystery virus”.
The encouraging news is that Anorak is freshly returned from a visit to the local enthusiast’s book shop and can say that there is work out there for Guest if she puts the hard yards in.
Unmarried and therefore barred from entering the pages of Readers’ Wives, Guest could feature in Dirty At 30, Naked And Sick, and TV Quick.
“GET WELL SOON JO,” says the Star. And there is a selection of readers’ messages for her to convalesce over.
- “2 Jo, aaw, c’mere Beautiful, jus wana hug u, n hug u, n hug u coz ul NEVER stop b’in Lovely!” – Jeff
- “if jo guest needs sex id be happy to oblige” – the real bigal (name and address on application)
- “u stil look ok 2 me jo and if u want it come up to Cumbria! Take care jo” – guest fan
- “tell jo not to worry. I have same symptoms (exhaustion, bloated, sick). Doctor has told me it is just stress and indigestion and gave tablets” – felicityf
Jo cannot be anything but buoyed by those messages. And should like to says “fank u”…
Posted: 24th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (5)
Snorting With Derision At The Amy Winehouse Video
“COPS SEIZE OUR AMY DRUG FILM,” announces the Sun, happy to assist our brave Bobbies in their purist of celebrities.
“STAR MAY BE CHARGED.”Amy Winehouse could end up before the Beak for appearing to smoke/snort/dunk something in her own private residence.
What crime she can be accused of should be left to more legal minds than us. But the generally accepted position is that she has corrupted the morals of the nation’s youth and should be made an example of.
We cannot have our celebrities smoking drugs. And if the music industry is awash with drugs – and there are rumours of other singers and degenerate music types partaking in narcotics – the industry should be shut down immediately.
It is time for a music amnesty.
All celebrities should be made clean and whole, lest the impressionable fans think it okay to have talent and spend a sizeable chink of their massive earnings on getting wasted.
We would go further and have all radio stations banned from playing any music produced by anyone thought to have taken drugs, booze, prescription medication, or a combination of all three.
On a happier note, this should facilitate a return to the fore for Teddy, Babs and Joy.
Take ‘em away, The Beverly Sisters…
Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Jo Guest Is Vicky Pollard
“I’VE not had no sex for a year cos I look like Vicky Pollard,” says Jo Guest, the former glamour model now struggling with weight gain.
We say chins up, Jo.
Pollard is only a fictional character on the telly. But Pollard’s character suggests that she does have sex and requires no more than a relatively flat surface, an alcohol-based lubricant and an insignificant other to sate her needs.
Better times lie ahead…
Can A Muslim Be Too Extreme
“BRITAIN’S MUSLIMS ARE TOO EXTREME – Says Iraq’s deputy prime minister after visit to Blackburn mosque”
Can you be a “too extreme” Muslim, particularly in the Express?
The front-page headline suggests that you can.
Indeed, so extreme can you be that even the deputy leader of Iraq thinks you are too extreme – and when it comes to spotting extreme Muslims he is up there with the Daily Express…
Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Killer Stress At Work And Heath Ledger
“STRESS at work can be a killer.”
So says the front-page headline on the METRO newspaper, the free rag handed out in various locations of a morning. Or, as the paper puts it: “Metro is publishing phenomenon.”
It may surprise you to know that it comes from the same stable as the Daily Mail.
The story appears alongside a picture of the deceased actor Heath Ledger. Had only Metro been a day earlier in its scoop…
Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse’s Radio Rental Hospital
“AMY RUSHED TO MENTAL HOSPITAL,” says the Star’s front-page headline.
Good luck with that, Amy Winehouse.
Anorak considers itself au fait with the current street jive and wishes Winehouse the very best of British in finding a mental hospital, or, as we used to say a wicked hospital. Cool.
Break a leg, Amy…
Posted: 23rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
How To Catch A Bus
“USING the bus could not be easier,” begins the novella Using The Bus, by Stagecoach.
We say novella because every bus trip is, is it not, a journey, with beginning, middle and end.
The points are succinct and clear:
1. First of all decide what bus you need.
Experience suggests a red, yellow or green bus, and not a rainbow bus with “Screw the Cops” painted on the outside being driven by a man wearing a plastic policeman’s helmet and tattoos on his primary sexual characteristics
2. As the buss approaches you will be able to see the route number and destination on the front
Or the legend “NOT IN SERVICE”, “DRIVER TRAINING”, “TOUR” or the mysterious “PLUMSTEAD”
We are not making this up, unlike, we could say, Stagecoach.
3. If this is you bus then simply signal for the driver to stop. Wait until the bus is stopped and the doors are fully opened and step on board.
Read the rest of this entry »
Half A Century Of Celebrity Money
THE Hello! factor puts us into debt, but “We’re free of debt at age 50 says new research (well, sort of).”
The Mail notes: “At the age of 50 years and 90 days the average Briton finally shakes off the shackles of student loans, credit card debts and personal loans and can look forward to a richer future.”
And, as lucky has it, that is also the age when your are deemed too old to appear within the pages of Hello!.
Granted some wrinkles make it onto the glossiness, but they feature in ensemble pieces, and taking an average age of the all body parts (old and new) we confirm that no one is older than 50 years and 90 days. Indeed, Zsa Zsa Gabor is spot on.
Fact!
Anna Friel’s Nanny Knows Best
SAYS self-assured actress Anna Friel: “I know my roots and where I’m from – I’m northern and I always will be. Now Gracie’s talking with northern mannerisms.”
Gracie is Friel’s two-year-old daughter, who loves with her mum and actor father, David Thewlis, in the northern idyll of Los Angeles.
In Anorak’s experience, a child born to parents living in the North is more likely to take on a Northern accent than a child born to parents living in the South.
This may have escaped Friel, who nonetheless believes that hiring a northern nanny, as the Mirror reports, will make Gracie able to recite “Oi’m a poor cotton-weyver, as mony a one knoowas, Oi’ve nout for t’year, an’ oi’ve word eawt my clooas” and “I’ll swing for our Jack” with equal authenticity.
The plan can only work. Although there is a slight risk of infection (surely, affection – ed) should Gracie, Friel or nanny ever leave the family mansion…
Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Our Debt To Hello!
WANT to know why you’re poor? Yes it is His fault.
But the Mail pinpoints it exactly, telling readers: “How the Hello! factor is driving millions into debt.”
We are in the grip of a “spendemic”. Ann Robinson, director of consumer policy at Uswitch, said:
“We are caught in a spiral of conspicuous consumption. It is no longer enough to keep up with the Joneses.
“Instead we want to live like our favourite celebrities. But it is clear our salaries cannot keep up with our ‘Hello! magazine lifestyles’.”
Luckily, like you, the Anorak’s favourite celebrity is Anthea Turner, who has not been in the pages of Hello! for some time…
Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Wayne Rooney Shows Ugly Face Of The Once Beautiful Game
HOW Wayne Rooney must wish he’d been playing in the 1970s, when footballers had chest hair, sat in oversized muddy baths and performed squat thrusts on Superstars.
Now you have to be less hirsute than a dolphin, bring to market an eponymous scent that isn’t a blend of linament, blood and rash, and live with a girlfriend with her own range of DVD fitness videos.
Wayne is a throwback. And voters of one online poll, as reported in the Sun, think Wayne harks back to a more distant past than when Norman Hunter stalked the Earth.
As the Sun reports: “Girls have voted Wayne Rooney No1 – in a poll of the world’s UGLIEST footballers.”
How the pollsters ensured all voters were girls is unclear, it being easy to be what you are not online. But while their is contention, there is is also hope: “But a fifth of girls said they would go out with an ugly footballer just for their money.”
A brighter side, then, for young Rooney…
The People’s Club Has Spoken
And there is a curiosity. The poll was conducted by the utilitarian The People’s Club.
Having selected the kind of motto normally reserved for struggling Division 2 outfits, the People’s Club offers YOU the chance to pay money be a “successful owner manager of a real football club”.
If the plan comes off, you and 39,999 others can be part of the “exclusive” club. Indeed, it is very much like My Football Club, the other The People’s Club that plans to allow its members to control a club and with it other people’s lives and livelihoods at the click of a button.
The curiosity is that the Top 10 Ugliest footballers look like this:
1. Wayne Rooney, 2. Ronaldinho, 3. Carlos Tevez, 4. Peter Crouch, 5. Ronaldo, 6. Luke Chadwick, 7. Robbie Fowler, 8. Darren Fletcher, 9. Rio Ferdinand, 10. Ruud Van Nistelrooy.
No fewer than eight of the Top Ten play or have played for Manchester United. And this with no mention of Phil Neville.
While it is true that Manchester United players find it hard to breathe with their mouths closed, are they really the ugliest team? Are they ugly at all?
Or might it be that the survey is a little skewed, perhaps to mask the disappointment of The People’s Club being unable to find the £800m necessary to purchase the Red Devils?
Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)
When Page 3 Girls Age: Jo Guest Is ‘Dying’
“JO GUEST – I AM DYING – Page 3 legend is left crippled by mystery bug.”
Says the former glamour model: “I feel I need a miracle now – I’m scared I’m dying.”
Page 3 girls never die, of course, they merely find God, pets and a presenting job on Nuts TV.
But Jo is changed. This is the Star’s “exclusive” (based on Guest’s appearance on GMTV and the Mirror’s “Bloated Jo Guest says illness has ruined her life”). Fans will be shocked to see that her platinum blonde hair is now dark. Some will be unable to look.
Things are so bad that “Jo has been reduced to selling her G-strings and other modelling items on her website and on eBay.” The Anorak has often wondered if such items truly are the model’s own are or just bought in a job lot and warmed on the radiator or on the hands of a burley packer before being dispatched to “frantic of Solihull”?
Says Jo: “I’ve had a CT scan and blood tests. I’m desperate for a diagnosis. I first noticed bloating around my stomach. I was doing a job and a dress I’d been wearing started to feel tight.”
Perhaps she could sell the dress to a helpful fan?
She continues: “And then some boots that I was wearing – my calves started to swell. During the day my stomach would get quite hard, then I would get really tired and my muscles were weakening. There was drowsiness and confusion, then it went into nausea and sickness.”
This is clearly a major cause for concern, especially for Jo. Interestingly: “The bug came on at a time when the one-time Daily Star agony aunt had adopted a new, healthy lifestyle. Says Jo: “I’d stopped drinking and smoking, I was having my five fruit and veg a day and started jogging.”
And there you have it – a cautionary tale for not only aspiring glamour models but each and every one of us…
Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse: ECSTASY And COCAINE Masterclass
“AMY ON CRACK – NOSE DIVE TO OBLIVION,” announces the Sun’s front-page headline, a grainy picture of Amy Winehouse pulling on a pipe of sorts also features.
Helpfully, the Sun equips the picture with a time stamp, allowing our celebrity police to gather any evidence they need to pursue this “role model” with gusto.
The Sun invites one Shaun Bailey, a “youth worker”, to step forward and opine: “Amy should be arrested, for her own sake, and dealt with by the courts. Why should she get away with it?”
Why should Winehouse, a singer of rare talent, be allowed to take “hit after hit of the deadly drug after a 19-minute binge in which she snorted powdered ECSTASY and COCAINE” and not be pinched? It’s just so unfair.
But if not for us, let’s bang her up for her own good. “Sun columnist” Jane Moore tells us: “Surely, as such a danger to herself, the time has come to try to have her sectioned under the Mental Health Act?”
Winehouse is a danger to herself! Winehouse is a danger to impressionable youngsters! All nodding heads agree that Winehouse is some sort of role model (well, she does appear in the tabloids).
But the message might be that drugs don’t work for everyone. Winehouse’s alleged livener of cannabis, ecstasy, cocaine and valium will not induce talent in just anyone.
As such, budding signers on reality TV shows should note that their chances of success may be better served by sticking to the tried and tested and pushing out their teeth, chest and backside…
* Anyone keen to learn how Winehouse allegedly takes drugs, and so best recognise the signs and avoid it, can see the Sun’s illustrative pictures and video….
Posted: 22nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Putting The Great In Great Britain
IT is with GREAT interest we learn of “THE GREAT WEIGHT RACE” (Mail), an event only matched in greatness by “THE GREAT PANTS DEBATE” (Express).
“I‘ve eaten nothing but 40 apples in three days – and only lost 1lb. I want to cry,” says a dieter in the Mail.
“When I’ve discussed this with friends and acquaintances it has revealed widespread gusset ansiety,” says Jeremy Paxman in the Mail. “The other thing is socks.”
THE GREAT SOCKS DEBATE will have to wait a while, although it will be augmented by THE GREAT SOCKS MYSTERY and GREAT BRITISH SOCK WEARERS.
Great stuff. And this from land that has given the world the Great British banger, the Great British kebab, the Great British stomach pump, great sex and lessons on how to be a great lover.
Our celebrities are great mates, and Trevor McDonald delivers the news with great sadness.
It is what GREAT Britain is all about…
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Does Ken Livingstone Recycle His Urine?
DISAPPOINTING news for anyone planning to never find any good in Ken Livingstone, the miserabilisit London mayor.
The Mail (“Livingstone accused of drinking on duty”) says the London mayor has been “filmed allegedly swigging whisky at official meetings”.
This alleged happening is said to have occurred at 10am while in session with London assembly members. If true, then Ken has broken the Greater London Authority’s code of conduct.
Readers also learn that Ken has been, allegedly, seen drinking “‘an amber liquid’” at a questions and answer session with Ilford voters.
Such is the thrust of political debate that Channel 4’s Dispatches programme claims to have obtained a sample of said liquid and sent it down to forensics. The substance is said to have been 47 per cent alcohol. It forms the pivotal moment of tonight’s TV show.
Was it booze? Or might it be that Ken is recycling his urine? It was he who told Londoners not to flush the toilet. We are faced with the possibility that Ken’s urine is 47 per cent proof, which – and any scientists do let me know – could provide enough venom to power a small car or scooter.
And one final question: if this brew powers Ken, should he paying a congestion charge?
A urine amnesty cannot be far off…
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Orphan Challenge
THE legend has it that everywhere the Queen visits smells of wet paint.
The civic centre needs to look its very best to meet her Majesty’s exacting standards, or more precisely the standards set by the liggers and dullards who make up her court.
Can the reverse be the case with American royalty, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? News in the Mirror is that the couple are to adoty a child from an African orphanage.
Might it be that right now the locals are muddying the walls, scuffing shoes and forgetting the flush the hole in the ground so that their orphanage should win..?
Posted: 21st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
