Posts Tagged ‘News’
House of Lords proving good value with new £100k toilets
WHAT do you think of the House of Lords and peers in general? Pointless aren’t they? Old gits with hairy noses all going on like they have even they vaguest idea what’s going on in the modern world and costing us money while they’re at it.
Well, two toilets used by peers and VIP guests in the House of Lords are to be refurbished and it’ll be costing around £100,000.
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Posted: 2nd, July 2013 | In: Politicians | Comment
Welsh government to send locals into prostitution
TIMES are hard in Wales. With that, a Welsh government-backed careers website offered advice about jobs in the sex industry. People have to pay the bills right?
Business Wales published tips on how to become a stripper or run a lap-dancing club and advised young people that they could “expect to earn an average £232 per evening”, which is better than flipping burgers right? They also noted that one could expect an annual income that “can range from £24,000 to £48,000”.
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Toddler wishes for ‘big boobies’ – blame mother and video games
KIDS say the darnedest things don’t they? Well, one girl will make you coo/vomit when you see her at her birthday party (which doesn’t look great if we’re being honest here) making a wish!
After the birthday girl blows out the candles on her cake, she wishes for “big boobies”.
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Posted: 27th, June 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
How would John Lennon & Bob Dylan fare on The Voice?
PEOPLE who sneer at shows like The X Factor and The Voice often wonder how singers of the past would fare. Would Screamin’ Jay Hawkins get Simon Cowell’s approval? Would someone like Nina Simone stand a chance against Olly Murs if it all went to deadlock?
The fact of the matter is, no-one should really care because the 60s were a completely different time where record companies had loads of money to take loads of chances and, most importantly, X Factor is to music what WWE is to sport – it’s just telly!
Either way, over in the States, The Voice USA have made a video where John Lennon and Bob Dylan appear… and you know something? It’s funny than 99% of the jibes spat out by detractors!
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Posted: 26th, June 2013 | In: Music, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Bakery puts cat on student’s head
GRADUATION should be one of the proudest days of your life, but one student found it to be one of the most surreal after a baker got all mixed up when making a celebratory cake.
Instead of the usual cap, the young woman found a picture of her with a cat on her head!
When Laura Gambrel graduated from Indiana University last month, her beamingly proud mother – Carol – decided to order a nice well-done cake.
She instructed the baker to include a congratulatory message and a graduation cap. However, when she went to collect the cake, she was greeted by her daughter wearing a crude feline on her bonce.
“My mom ordered a graduation cake with a cap drawn on,’ the graduate posted on Reddit along with a picture of the cake. ‘I guess they misheard.”
“When my mom got to the store and started laughing they tried to wipe off the cat and put on a plastic cap, but she told them to keep it.”
Her mother added: “It was one of those young kids behind the counter and he seemed a little distracted with someone else ordering a cake a foot away from us.”
“I can only image them doing it and thinking I was going to vet school or something.”
Posted: 24th, June 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment
Amazing moment as toddler hears for the first time
SHALL we all have a lovely moment? How about a really great video of a young boy called Grayson Clamp, and the exact moment he heard his father’s voice for the first time?
Grayson Clamp is three years old and until now, he’s never been able to hear.
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Posted: 24th, June 2013 | In: Reviews, Technology | Comment
Girl Guides are now all Godless maniacs
IF you were a Brownie, Cub, Scout or Girl Guide, you will know that God and Jesus loomed large in proceedings. Not to mention those horrible badges for sewing and surviving the ordeal of camping with flatulent peers in some windswept hole.
That’s all about to change. There’ll still be crafts and activities, however, God has been asked to leave the Girl Guides as they no longer have to swear allegiance to It. Now, Girl Guides will say: “I promise to be true to myself”, like they’re singing a mid-90s R&B ballad.
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Posted: 24th, June 2013 | In: Reviews | Comments (2)
Toddlers are more stupid than chickens – birds outperform kids in numeracy and logic
YOU’VE cooed and coochied at your darling little baby, posting endless identical photographs of them on Facebook and heard your friends tell you barefaced lies about how beautiful it is, and that it has it’s ‘daddy’s eyes’… but here’s some news for you and your little shit-machine – chickens could well be smarter than your human toddler.
A survey was conducted and found that chickens have the ability to out-perform young children at numeracy and logic.
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Posted: 19th, June 2013 | In: Strange But True, Technology | Comment
Magician turns dollar bills into hundreds for the homeless
SNEER all you want, but now and then, it is great to put a little sunshine in that grey brain of yours. Mocking celebrities, laughing at misfortune and all that is great fun for those of us who enjoy gallows humour, but sometimes, we need to get gooey and break out a huge, wet grin.
The person who will be responsible for that today is a nice magician who used his powers to help out some destitute folks in need of a pick-me-up.
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Judge doesn’t like lawyers in short skirts
LAWYERS, as we know, are all shark-eyed monsters. Another thing we all know is that judges are worse. The law is filled with dreadful humans, all jockeying for position constantly and tearing holes in people who have no idea how to deal with their steely nerve brain blitzing mindgames.
And so, to America, where a judge has issued a strict dress code to female lawyers in Tennessee who are no longer allowed to wear ‘inappropriate outfits’.
Or, as you know them, skirts.
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Posted: 18th, June 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Derek Acorah cancels gig thanks to “unforeseen circumstances”
GET ready to mock a man who thinks he can talk to the ether. TV psychic Derek Acorah cancelled a show earlier this month due to “unforeseen circumstances”.
Just brilliant.
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Posted: 17th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Farmer arrested for this dead alien in his freezer
WHY do aliens only seem to go for people who live in the sticks? UFOs, extra terrestrial beings and such don’t tend to appear in cities, where everyone would film them with camera phones and where there is loads of CCTV. Aliens like the countryside where all the posh alcoholics, dim-witted yokels and bored teenagers live.
And so, to a farmer who claimed he had captured AND electrocuted an alien, who has been arrested by police for being crackers and a hoaxer.
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Posted: 14th, June 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Moonwalking pony in paternity battle
REMEMBER that terrible commercial with the moonwalking pony, where a team of marketing ‘creatives’ got together and tried to make something that looked like an internet meme? They melded hipster approved music (Fleetwood Mac) with ironic dancemoves (moonwalking) with a cutesy animal (a tiny horse) and put it all together in a bid to get down with the yoof.
Well, regardless of whether you were the kind of sap who liked it or not, there’s trouble with the star of the show.
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Male train drivers decide skirts are answer to shorts ban
IT is hard to know what to wear when the weather has been as hot as it has been. Going to work in sweltering heat is no fun, especially if you work on a stuffy train. And so, if you’re a train driver, you might want to work in your shorts because, as everyone knows, the length of your trouser has no influence on the quality of your train driving.
However, drivers on Sweden’s Roslagsbanan have been banned from wearing shorts, even though they were allowed to in previous summers.
The answer? Protest skirts.
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Policeman sings the hits of Oasis
POLICEMEN can be a bit dour, but one PC in Birmingham decided he’d liven things up by singing the general public some songs. Regrettably, he chose the songbook of Oasis.
A passer-by filmed PC Ian Northcott’s performance of Wonderwall and the policeman said: “It was such a lovely day, everyone seemed happy, it just felt such a natural thing to do.”
“Noel would have been proud I hope.”
PC Northcott’s impromptu gig wasn’t his first, he added:
“I’ve got to know a few of the city’s buskers and have joined them before to play. We are always looking for ways to break down barriers between the police and the public and this was certainly one of them.”
Next step: 21 Seconds by So Solid Crew.
Striker hits post FOUR times
SOMETIMES, as a goalkeeper, you have to ride your luck in football. Well, one goalie had a cool time against a Greek striker as he hit the woodwork FOUR times with the same shot!
Egeas Plomariou was playing for the island of Lesvos against Papnikolis when he cracked a shot in from an angle to the right of the box.
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Man breaks into bar, steal and drinks beer, passes out on floor
STUPID criminals! Hurray! One dumbass broke into a pub and was found passed out on the floor after stealing and drinking too much ale.
Adam Bell helped himself to so much booze that he konked out on the pub floor and was found by the landlord the next morning.
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Mexico elects cat as mayor
MEXICO is a weird and wonderful country, but surely no-one could’ve ever expected that, within its borders, a cat would be elected to run for mayor.
Morris has been put forward as the citizens’ candidate for elections taking place on July 7th and cat-lovers are probably chortling to themselves as they say “Well! He can’t do any worse than the humans! HAR HAR!” Obviously, you’d need to say that in a Mexican accent for it to work.
If Morris were to win, he would become the mayor of Veracruz state capital Xalapa.
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Posted: 7th, June 2013 | In: Politicians, Strange But True | Comment
AEG didn’t think they’d need to vet Conrad Murray for Michael Jackson
THE death of Michael Jackson made for an unbelievable night, mainly because it happened during the Glastonbury Festival where rumours of celebrity deaths always take off, usually unfounded. Alas, it transpired that the most famous man on the planet had indeed died, and no-one knew whether to celebrate Jackson’s incredibly body of music or make jokes about where he might like to stick his dick.
The fallout of his death saw a mystifying funeral/concert, various grabs for MJ’s fortunes and, of course, a baying mob for Conrad Murray after he medicined Michael Jackson into the choir invisible.
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Posted: 6th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Woman invents this vengeful game to dump cheating boyfriend!
CHEATING is a crime. It happens every day. There are people running round. Soon they’ll have to pay. Think nobody’s watching, but you better think again… another heart broken.
If you haven’t got Joey Greco to sort out your cheater of a partner, then what can you do? If you’re one canny woman, you’ll invent a game to show your partner what’s what.
In a letter, the writer states that she has packaged all of her beau’s belongings after finding out about his cheating ways on Facebook.
“I even invented a neat game,” said the lady, revealing that she’d left boxes of his stuff in locations related to key moments in their relationship.
“Your video games are where we first kissed!” read one clue, signing off with: “Have fun! Oh, and while I didn’t break or damage anything, I can’t guarantee anybody else won’t find it! Happy hunting!”
Posted: 6th, June 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Cheerios advert brings out the racists
BIZARRELY, in 2013, there are people who still define other humans by the colour of their skin. All white people are ruthless and can’t dance, all black people are criminals, all yellow people are karate experts and all brown people want to blow up planes. Apart from the white people who are poor and live in Russia, the black people who are pillars of society, the yellow people who would like to point out they’re not actually yellow and the brown people who are generally lumped together because they don’t fit in the other categories.
And everyone forgot about the Native and South Americans.
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Posted: 6th, June 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment
Karl Lagerfeld wants to marry his cat
Karl Largefeld cat
FEEL free to insert your own pussy jokes into this article: Karl Lagerfeld wants to marry his cat.
The 79-year-old fashion imbecile is well known for letting ridiculous things fall out of his anus-shaped mouth, but bestiality might top the rest.
“I never thought I would fall in love like this with a cat,” Lagerfeld said.
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Posted: 6th, June 2013 | In: Celebrities, Fashion | Comment
Cambridge student too ugly to punt
THE Oxbridge universities don’t make it easy for people to like them do they? It is all ties and crests, hazing and fags, bizarre rituals and elitism and worst of all, posh folk in red trousers.
To add to this, they’re also terrifyingly vain as one Cambridge student has claimed that he was turned down for a river punting job because he was “too ugly”.
River punting is not a dirty euphemism.
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Posted: 4th, June 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
McDonald’s offer 100 Big Mac reward for stolen statue
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MULTI-MILLION dollar industry, McDonald’s have offered a reward of 100 Big Macs for the return of a stolen statue of Ronald McDonald.
100 Big Macs. As opposed to money. What on Earth would anyone do with 100 Big Macs anyway? That’s worse than when Bullseye gave out speedboats to people who lived in flats in landlocked towns.
This unusual reward was offered by a store in Muenden, Germany and Hamburglar is the most likely suspects.
The post reads: “He is wearing a yellow suit a red and white jumper and red clown shoes. We are so desperate to get our mascot back, the person who returns it will get 100 free Big Macs.”
As if anyone wouldn’t know what Ronald McDonald looks like.
Stinking rich actress Zosia Mamet begs for money online for vanity project
KICKSTARTER projects are great for people with bright ideas and no money. Smart, broke people pitch their ideas to the ether and people offer to fund them with whatever they have.
It is a great system, unless you’re some wealthy swine who shouldn’t be begging to people considerably less well off than you.
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Posted: 30th, May 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment
