Posts Tagged ‘News’
Weather forecasters to be sued for wrong reports
PREDICTING the weather is like trying to catch rain with dentures. Endless figures are crunched and the end result is a vague idea of what could happen, coupled with a cheerful shrug.
Well, the owner of a cave centre in Wales is not having it and is threatening to sue weather forecasters over their inaccurate reports.
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MI6 safehouse features on Google Maps
THE Secret Intelligent Service will be having kittens this morning as one of their buildings appeared on Google Maps, complete with sarcastic reviews.
Somehow, one of MI6’s safehouses in central London found itself included on Street View, which invariably means that it won’t be a safehouse for long, now we all know where it is.
Reports state that British intelligence needn’t worry as this is the handiwork of Reddit jokers, however, The Anorak doesn’t mind going on record and proclaiming that this is clearly a double bluff. We know your game, Bond.
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Laugh as Toronto’s mayor walks into camera full tilt
YOU have to be hard-nosed to survive in politics and Toronto’s mayor – Rob Ford – found this out the hard, literal way as he walked at full tilt into a TV camera.
Ford was rushing out of a committee meeting at Ontario’s City Hall when he walked briskly into the snout of a large camera.
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Posted: 19th, April 2013 | In: Politicians | Comment
Massive wuss of a policeman has a massive cry thanks to marijuana cake
THUNDERING wimp, Mike Berkemeier, a policeman from Ohio, has been chilled to his core after he accidentally ate a cake filled with marijuana which belonged to his daughter.
The additional ingredient of cannabis left him feeling disorientated and confused. Then a bit horny. Then hungry. Then amused. Then sleepy. Possibly.
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Your dead gran, recycled into road signs
PEOPLE who say old-folks are useless clearly are idiots aren’t they? For a start, old people are the main source of institutionalised racism and without pensioners, the makers of fig rolls would go out of business overnight. Pensioners are so useful that they even help us all when they’re dead.
The steel hips, plates and screws from legs and skulls can be collected after they’re cremated and the metal is sent off for recycling, used by automobile and aeronautical industries.
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Posted: 12th, April 2013 | In: Reviews, Strange But True, Technology | Comment
Pet owners are dreadful… and here’s the proof
PET-OWNERS online are, without doubt, worse than fascists. Endless photographs are taken of their pets doing very little, accompanied by captions like “Oh LOOK! He’s TOTES ADORBS!” while a dog lies motionless on the floor. Or indeed, people take a dozen photos of a cat, sleepily glaring at its owner who insists on shooting it from absolutely every angle before flooding Instagram with their absolutely typical pet.
The petfood commercials where people treat their pets like lovers were once disregarded as ridiculous, but thanks to social networking, we now know that these monsters actually exist, coochie cooing at these blasted creatures every move.
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Couple caught having sex on Street View (5 of the Best)
A COUPLE have been caught on Google Street View, doing the sex outdoors while the Google car drove by.
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Posted: 11th, April 2013 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)
New England rugby kit plans victory through steady vomiting
RUGBY has always done okay when it comes to their kits, preferring to go plain and simple. This has led to much derision being aimed at football with its silly, fancy-dan jerseys which date quicker than yoghurt.
However, the release of the England Sevens home and away kits will put an end to that, in what has to be one of the most putrid shirts ever worn in any sport. Presumably, England will be hoping to win this summer’s World Cup and the 2013-14 World Series by making the opposition so nauseous that they faint through steady vomiting.
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Man puts live eel up his bum, with predictable results
WE’VE all read the stories about bizarre sex, like the guy in Spain who got killed by a rockslide while forcing himself onto a chicken, or indeed, the vicar who was hanging some curtains up and ‘fell on a potato’ so hard it got stuck up his bum.
Well, we’ve got another strange tale for you, this time, involving a live eel.
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Posted: 10th, April 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comments (2)
Remember the game Snake? Want to see what it looks like to complete it?
NOKIA made the game, Snake, as popular as Tetris and infuriated mobile phone users the world over. Controlling the near formless blocky greedyguts was a nightmare once you got stuck into it for a couple of minutes, constantly chasing a lifeless square of food in a cold, desolate environment.
The snake, of course, wasn’t allowed to touch its own tail or it would die, so what happens when you complete the game? Once you run out of space, surely the only thing left for the snake to do, is to devour itself?
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Posted: 10th, April 2013 | In: Technology | Comment
Woman divorces husband because he has a little wang
WHILE it is completely fair that women complain about pressure from media outlets to look a certain way, one fact remains: you ladies can do something about it either way. If blonde hair and a small waist is required, you can go for a run and buy hair dye.
Should you feel forced to? Of course not. However, if you’re a man with a small penis, you’re doomed. And the size of a man’s penis looms large in his legend, thanks to having seen countless gay men and straight ladies waggling their little finger while shrieking about manhood which, as Shania Twain pointed out, doesn’t impress her much.
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Liverpool and Uruguay’s Luis Suarez punches opponent in the face
TALISMANIC. That’s what we call people who are talented in football, but are thundering dickheads, right? Well, massive talisman Luis Suarez is in trouble again after punching someone in the face during the World Cup qualifier between Uruguay and Chile.
After a small tussle with Gonzalo Jara in the penalty box, Liverpool striker Suarez thought the best thing to do would be to sock the Chilean defender in the mouth and, of course, all the officials missed it.
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Posted: 9th, April 2013 | In: Sports | Comments (3)
Which gamers are best at sex?
GAMERS are derided for their social skills, often depicted as lonely people, sat in their mum’s spare room, pale and wan. However, that’s a complete nonsense. That’s like saying movie fanatics are all 3 feet tall and live inside tinfoil pyramids eating socks.
People who play video games, believe it or not, have sex. But which gamers are the best in the bedroom? Well, thank god someone did a survey to find out exactly that!
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Posted: 9th, April 2013 | In: Reviews, Technology | Comment
Crime is dead: 5 tonnes of Nutella stolen
IN a break from Margaret Thatcher’s death news, this just in: Crime isn’t what it used to be. Remember when people tried to steal trains filled with money? Remember diamond thieves? Remember organised crime in good tailoring? Counterfeiting, glamorous drug barons and ties to the entertainment business?
That’s all gone.
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Thatcher’s death isn’t the only huge news story of the day
WHILE everyone is talking about the death of Margaret Thatcher, there has been another HUGE news story today, lead by Brightons’s The Argus, who always have their finger on the pulse.
While one political giant is pushing up daisies, another giant has been chasing around people even more unpopular than Maggie herself – the devious traffic warden!
Posted: 8th, April 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Traffic warden sacked for taking photos of his victims
NO-ONE likes traffic wardens. All they do is creep around and cost you money. They’ve got hearses clamped and probably smell like rotten fish.
And so, to Steven Jarvis, a traffic warden who tried to liven up his evil job by taking photos of motorists for ‘a book’ he was ‘working’ on. While that may not seem so bad, there’s the small matter of Jarvis telling drivers that he would help get their fines scrapped if they posed for a photo with their ticket.
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Posted: 5th, April 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
After watching this video of Omar Von Muller and Jumpy, you’ll hate your own dog
PEOPLE who have pets are amusing people, mainly because they think that their cats and dogs have empathy for their owners. Pets have two thought processes: ‘I want to shit’ and ‘I want to eat’. Seeing as you facilitate both of these things, it is little wonder they learn the tricks to make them happen.
However, that isn’t to say pets are useless. Some of them are AMAZING. Not yours though. Your pets are rubbish.
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Chinese student stages her own funeral so she can enjoy it
FUNERALS eh? Not exactly jolly affairs. Everyone blows snot bubbles while bereaving into their handkerchiefs and then they try and forget the misery with drink and anecdotes, before drunkenly crying some more, sat in solitude on the toilet.
And so, let us look at a student over in China who decided to stage her own funeral so that she can “enjoy it”.
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Posted: 3rd, April 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Man has full back tattoo… of Taggart
WHEN trying to think of the worst or oddest tattoos you’ve ever seen, your mind may make an immediate leap to ill-advised tramp-stamps, dodgy Winnie The Pooh tats that people got when they were 16 or Chinese symbols that are supposed to say ‘life’, but actually say ‘bell-end’.
Well, a chap called John Cuthbert may have topped the lot with a full back tattoo of Jim Taggart, the eponymous character from the Scottish crime drama. Feel free to say ‘it’s murder’ in a Scottish accent to yourself.
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Thief snatches bag before KOing himself with a window (video)
THIEVES aren’t funny if they’re stealing from you, but when they’re removed, bungling idiots, then we can all hoot away to our heart’s content because frankly, they deserve it.
And so, to a man in Perth who snatched someone’s handbag in a shopping centre.
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Breaking News! Presenter reads out own marriage proposal!
WE’RE very cynical here at The Anorak, but sometimes, we can’t help but succumb to lovely, gooey, niceness and we crumple up, wailing tears of joy all over each other and blubbing about how nice things can be sometimes.
No. This isn’t setting you up for a fall where we share a video about someone getting their head cut open by rotary blades. This is genuinely lovely.
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New horsemeat scandal makes cannibals and dog-eaters of us all
THE horsemeat scandal was particularly troubling, not because we may have all eaten the incredible Mr Ed, but rather, it prompted so many awful jokes that we all wished we’d eaten something fatal instead.
However, horsemeat is the last of your worries after food experts analysed a random dish bought in London which contained ‘mystery meat’.
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Posted: 28th, March 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comments (4)
Fiance of My Little Pony character leaves worrying and angry letter
THE level of some people’s love for My Little Pony is beyond parody. In fact, it is downright worrying. If you do a rudimentary search for ‘bronies’, you’ll find enough material to keep you awake for a whole decade.
One such character has got angry and believes himself to be the fiance of a character called ‘Twilight Sparkle’. Yes, you read that right.
Over at deviantART, where people showcase their artwork of any kind, a user called Kevinsano was creating pieces based on My Little Pony (worrying enough) and the ‘fiance’ took offence at the designs, accusing them of being too sexual in nature (even more worrying).
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Posted: 27th, March 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment (1)
How did dinosaurs have sex? With great difficulty
SOME refer to sex as ‘the beast with two backs’ and, if you think about dinosaurs humping, then the saying is quite literal. With horrible spines and spikes, getting off with a dinosaur seems nigh-on impossible, but they had to mate for fear of dying out.
So how did they do it? Barry White, chocolates and enough lube to drown a caveman?
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Nick Knowles built the pyramids
HISTORY, as you know, is a difficult subject, thanks to the sheer breadth of things that have happened. However, certain things have happened in the past that are so wonderful that you should probably know the basics of them all.
However, when you ask teenagers about anything, a rollercoaster of answers may come your way. For example, did you know that one in ten teens think that Nick Knowles built the pyramids?
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