Posts Tagged ‘News’
Mario Balotelli’s agent ‘doesn’t give a f**k’
IN a division so devoid of any character, the departure of Mario Balotelli from the Premier League is a very sad one. Who can football fans look to now? Suarez? He’s not exactly loveable. Ryan Giggs? Even he managed to make shagging his brother’s girlfriend look dull.
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Want moobs? Visit Leeds where 59% of men have them
WHEN men get fat, it is perfectly on limits to mock them. Not women. Just men. If you do it to a woman, you’re spiteful and pressuring women to be a certain shape. If a man puts weight on, you can all cheerily singing “who ate all the pies?!” at them and chuckle away while they go home and cry themselves to sleep.
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Posted: 31st, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Man unearths £100,000’s worth of whale puke
VOMIT. You might think it is absolutely worthless, but not everyone does. Specifically, we’re talking about whale puke here and no, it isn’t some kind of Norwegian delicacy, but something more surprising.
Before you start going on the hunt for whale’s vomit, first be aware of what it is. Basically, it looks like a rock and smells like faeces. Still interested? Well, one chap found a great clump of it and it could well be worth in advance of £100,000.
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Posted: 31st, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comments (2)
Men who do housework get less sex
SEX. It is, unfathomably, still something of a thorny issue despite the fact it is as natural as (and only marginally less satisfying than) sneezing. Yet, people get funny talking about it. How much do you get? How long do you last? What sort of things do you get up to? Are you a swinger?
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Katie Price is bored of being married… AGAIN
WHEN straight people talk about gay-marriage, they’re often keen to bring up how marriage is a sacred thing. The sanctity of marriage shouldn’t be sullied by those gay people. They sometimes argue that it’ll be humans marrying dogs next!
However, undermining straighties arguments about the sanctity of marriage, almost single handed, is Katie Price. She’s got a phenomenal record when it comes to making a mockery of getting wed.
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Posted: 29th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Specsavers mock Chelea’s Eden Hazard for ballboy incident
WHEN Eden Hazard kicked a ballboy in the ribs, it was… and let us all be perfectly clear on this… really funny. No-one got hurt, both looked like berks and, coupled with all the giant-killings that have gone on this week, made for the most interesting week of football in aeons!
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Posted: 28th, January 2013 | In: Sports, The Consumer | Comment (1)
MPs consider ‘Don’t Come To Britain’ advertising campaign
IMMIGRATION is still a super hot topic amongst politicians and racists. And so, in a big to discourage migrants coming to Britain, some ministers have had a rather barking idea, which involves an advertising campaign which shows how rubbish Britain is.
The campaign will reportedly be tested out in Bulgaria and Romania, and will focus on the worst aspects of British life.
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Posted: 28th, January 2013 | In: Politicians, Reviews | Comment
Simon Cowell and other celebs read out Twitter insults on video
WHILE Mary Beard boo-hoos about some people being tasteless and puerile about her, other famous people are taking online insults in their stride and turning it into laughter!
Jimmy Kimmel has been running a segment on his show, featuring celebrities reading out nasty tweets about themselves.
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Posted: 25th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Cats to be culled in New Zealand?
ANYONE who has ever used Instagram or Facebook, will be thoroughly sick of the sight of people’s stupid cats. They’re everywhere at the moment, with childless hipster couples treating the feline fur-gits like they’re human babies or something.
Well, someone in New Zealand hates cats more than anyone else. So much so that they want them banned from the whole of NZ, which is clearly a brilliant move.
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German army to defeat the enemy with man-boobs
THE German army could be known as ‘simply the breast’ after they found they had a surprise development with their male soldiers – weapons of mass seduction.
Apparently, thanks to a new, hard-going rifle drill, the German army has started growing breasts, which could be just the thing to win battles against confused foes.
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Posted: 24th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
The worst ski-jump in the world
>NOW it turns out that Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards (above) is a half-decent diver (yes, we’ve seen some of ITV’s Splash and no, we haven’t stopped crying), it turns out he may not be the lousiest ski-jumper either.
Last Sunday, a professional ski jumper made a complete hash of his attempt when he slipped and fell down a slope in Sapporo, Japan, on his bony little arse.
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Arsenal ‘fine sheet’ leaks online: Mertesacker plays the German banker
ARSENAL aren’t known as the strictest, toughest of football clubs, which may or may not be underlined by the leaking of a sheet of fines and penalties from the club.
Gary O’Driscoll – he’s one of the club’s doctors – apparently took a photo of the sheet. However, after he used a file-sharing website (naughty), the photo ended up being leaked and shared around online.
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Pigeons to be tinkered with so they defecate soap
THERE’S an experiment afoot in London which will attempt to turn pigeon poo into soap, which is obviously not weird or cruel at all.
In a video explaining the project, it is explained:
“Like other birds pigeons can be fun company but they are also messy,” adding: “The bird will be fed a specially-designed diet. The individuals behind the idea claim they are using synthetic biology to create the bacteria that will modify the metabolism of the birds.”
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Posted: 22nd, January 2013 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment
Bono gets a spider named after him, which is good news for spider-haters
ONLY insane people like spiders. People are rightly terrified of them. They’ve got too many eyes, too many legs, fart out indestructible silk and probably lay eggs in your tear-ducts when you’re asleep. As such, when we see spiders, we either run away shrieking or roll up the newspaper and go to town on their horrible, shining abdomens.
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Posted: 21st, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Buckethead Man robs a shop
BREAKING and entering shops, so you can steal things, is hardly the most noble of pursuits, but god bless criminals who do things the old-fashioned way by donning a disguise.
Just like the man who donned a bucket on his head while going on the rob in Louisiana!
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Man rants as Subway ‘footlong’ is an inch short
WE’VE all been needlessly pernickerty about things in our time, but one Subway customer really has gone the extra mile.
This chap, called Matt Corby, found himself apoplectic with rage when he visited a Subway for a bite to eat.
[insert ‘it’s his own stupid fault for going to a Subway comment’ here]
The source of his ire was that he strongly suspected that his sandwich was not a foot long, as advertised. So, instead of getting on with his life and scarfing down the slightly moist article, he got his tape measure out.
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Posted: 18th, January 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment
Irish grandpa steals from dead HMV when it refuses his gift voucher
TALK about kicking someone while they’re down! An old man shoplifted from HMV because the €40 gift voucher he had bought was not accepted by the shop on Dublin’s Henry Street. As HMV are in administration and all the staff are fearful of their jobs, and weighing up various sit-in protests over unpaid wages, things are remarkably bleak over there.
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Posted: 18th, January 2013 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment
5ive canvas for new member… on Facebook
IT must be depressing being in a 90s boyband these days. Who remembers you? Barely no-one. If they do, they’re invariably crazed old fans, ravaged by time and still lustily chasing after you while ignoring their furious partners and children.
And so, while Kavana and Gina G Skype each other about temping for office work, 5ive have decided to leave the 90s behind and get modern, by posting a classified on Facebook in a bid to find a new fifth member.
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Posted: 17th, January 2013 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Teacher who is afraid of children, to sue
CHILDREN are terrifying things, with their snotty little faces, gurgling traps and little accusatory fists. It is little wonder we treat them with such contempt.
One person who is really frightened of children is an ex-teacher who is suing her former school district, saying that was discriminated against for her fear of children. You heard.
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£62 linesman punished by stupid idiots running football
FOOTBALL these days, brings more misery and frustration than cheer. So when something brilliant and remarkable happens, you cherish it. And then, inevitably, a footballing body ruins it for everyone. Think of the AC Milan players gallantly walking off during a match because of racist abuse. They were brave, strong and bold… and then Sepp Blatter opened his stupid cakehole and said players shouldn’t stand up for themselves and that they were ‘running away’ from the problem.
And now our footballing organisations are at it.
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Posted: 15th, January 2013 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
Don’t laugh, but Coca Cola have made this video about obesity
THOSE scamps at Coca-Cola have decided to make a little film about obesity. Why are you laughing and snorting in derision? What’s that? Because Coke could well be responsible for a load of us being toothless and overweight? Ah, gotcha!
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Posted: 15th, January 2013 | In: The Consumer | Comment (1)
Behold/Kill the dubstep singing parrot!
WE’VE written extensively about the animal kingdom try to kill humans, and now we’re faced with a beast so irritating that it must be killed. Or praised. Whatever takes your fancy really.
What we have on our hands is a bird (it’s a parrot or something, no-one really cares apart from those wax-jacket having bozos who listened in Biology lessons and cry and WWF pamphlets that fall out of their Chimpanzee Weekly magazines) that can perform dubstep (the worst genre, ever) with it’s horrible little parrot voice.
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Posted: 14th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Boobs on sale for advertising!
REMEMBER when Homer Simpson sold off bits of his body for advertisements? Everyone bought blue pants and remembered to chow down on Maine potatoes.
Well, one mysterious individual has decided to sell the space on her boobies.
For money, you can put adverts on them. Adverts. On real life human breasts.
Of course, with this being breasts rather than male genitalia (which no-one wants to look at, including gay men and randy women), there’s been rather a lot of interest.
Clients can advertise their products or events on one of her breasts for a bargain £5, with a special offer of just £9 available for both. Seems reasonable.
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Posted: 10th, January 2013 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Brilliant man gets solid-gold shirt
THROWING your money around, no matter how large or small the amount is, is one of the greatest pleasures a human can have. Wasting money on crisps instead of supposedly useful items like mops, or buying shoes instead of paying the water bill is the things that dreams are made of.
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Posted: 9th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comments (3)
