Posts Tagged ‘News’
What are the most irritating words on the planet?
THERE are scores of people out there who just say anything that comes out of their mouths without thinking about it. This leads to people repeating annoying words and phrases over and over. YOLO? You wouldn’t live long if I were king. Tweeps? You should be flogged in a public square for that.
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Posted: 8th, January 2013 | In: Reviews | Comments (4)
Brazilian cat gets arrested with a saw and phone strapped to it
BRAZIL is, quite frankly, the most brilliantly ludicrous country on Earth. Away from the obviously mental Amazon rainforest, there’s the most corrupt football league on Earth, a fanatical belief in Jesus, appalling crime and poverty and the kind of folklore legends that makes English mythology look like a dank pond.
And to underline this, Brazilian police have arrested a cat.
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Posted: 7th, January 2013 | In: Strange But True | Comment
First Atheist church in UK opens
SINCE everyone decided religion was a really stupid idea, mainly because a bunch of left-leaning comedians said-so, and of course, various religions abused children, blew people up and cut off a load of foreskins, there’s been a lot of volume concerning the veracity of worship.
On one hand, we’ve got hooting zealots, the other, sneering know-it-alls… and the creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig…
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Jewel robbers break into KFC by accident
BEING a jewel thief must be an exciting gig. Turtle neck sweaters, Milk Tray on the go and creeping around with all the suave sophistication of a cat with a tail made out of pearls. That, of course, is fiction and real jewel thieves are as thick and stupid as common-or-garden burglars.
And this is proven by two bungling oafs who thought they were going to indulge in some supreme swag taking, but instead, ended up in a KFC.
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A monkey! Riding a dog! In the middle of an American Football match!
THINK about the entertainment that surrounds football matches in England. A meat and potato pie with grey innards? Someone doing a draw so someone wins £200? Or if it is a special game, maybe Katherine Jenkins looking contemptuous on the halfway line, trying to flog some awful CD of warbling?
Well, once again, America puts us all to shame. The Super Bowl has had Prince, The Who and Paul McCartney and a football match has knocked them all into a cocked hat with the greatest entertainment any sport could ever hope to sit beside…
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Is it a bird? Is it a plane? What? It really is a flying Superman?!
IMAGINE for a moment, that you’re riding around with a friend in SoCal, and suddenly, one of you notices that Superman is flying over your head.
You’d either die from happiness or start leaping around, crazed and unable to process the information and ending up throwing up all over yourself, before hurtling yourself into the sea.
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Africa thinks Mike Tyson has had a sex-change (extreme female rape empathy)
FOREIGN press outlets are getting confused with Western satire. The Onion’s obvious spoof piece which said that Kim Jong Un had been voted sexiest man of 2012 was reported as fact in China.
And now, online outlets in Africa have falsely reported that Mike Tyson has had a sex change after they read and believed a daft piece by NewsBiscuit.
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Manchester United install tanning booth for players
MANCHESTER United aren’t going to help football’s softy, preening image after they installed a tanning booth at their training ground.
Now, of course, they’ll argue that they’ve installed a ‘Vitamin D machine’ at their Carrington training facility, and Manchester being the Rainy City, is sorely lacking in sunlight. However, we all know that this machine has been installed because professional footballers are all massively vain, upright swine… it has nothing to do with healthy skin and bones.
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Cows crash a van and are much, much harder than you
THINK you’re hard do you? Chances are, if you’ve been in a carcrash, the first thing you did was to make sure you were alive and then hold your wickle neck in-case you had whiplash. Then you pretended you had whiplash so someone would give you some money.
You big, tough swine you.
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The amusing plot to kidnap, castrate and kill Justin Bieber
WE’VE all been annoyed by Justin bloody Bieber at some point, with his wholesome little face and unwholesome views on rape.
With that, we can all have a chuckle at a plot that has been uncovered by court papers which showed that some ne’er-do-wells planned to kidnap the gyrating infant, as well as castrating and strangling him. We can laugh because it didn’t happen.
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Posted: 14th, December 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Novak Djokovic buys all the donkey cheese in the world
WINNING Wimbledon is one thing, but for Novak Djokovic, it isn’t nearly as good as donkey cheese. That’s right. You can buy donkey cheese. Or at least, you could before Novak bought all the donkey cheese in the world. ALL OF IT.
Donkey cheese was unveiled earlier in the year, in a burger that costs £3,000 from a restaurant in Vegas and is one of the most expensive foods on the planet. And now, the Wimbledon champ has it all for himself.
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Blind man runs over girlfriend after 5 bottles of wine
GALLOWS humour is something that drags every one of us through the day because, without it, we’d spend our entire lives sobbing at work.
And so, let us laugh at a story about a man who is registered blind, running over his partner in a car, after drinking five bottles of wine… because the reality of it could very well be far too depressing to contemplate.
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CCTV footage of fools in train stations released
BEING drunk on a train is the single most soul-destroying experience a human can suffer. Sat on a wobbling, hot carriage with a headache, reeking of ale and needing the toilet every 10 minutes. If you’re going to be drunk on a train, at least have the clout to have been on a good night out beforehand, rather than just getting trolleyed on a choo-choo.
That said, if you do end up tottering through a train station when you’ve had a few, you might end up on a video put out by a train company.
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Turkey: Apocalypse hotspot
THE end of the world is clearly nigh. Badgers are trying to kill us and catfish will almost certainly be eating us whole very soon. Even the Australian PM has warned us of an imminent end-game. The only thing left for us to do is grab the popcorn and watch the horror unfurl.
And where’s the best place to do it? TURKEY! How seasonal.
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Catfish strike knell for end of humans while eating birds out of water (video)
YOU may have heard the blues song which sings “I wish I was a catfish, swimming in the deep blue sea, I’d have all you pretty women, fishin’ after me.” A lovely, evocative image, right? Well, imagine if the song said: “I wish, I was a catfish, swimming in a grotty stream, I’d wriggle to the edge of the water and disgustingly catch pigeons with my teeth.”
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Posted: 10th, December 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Sexy cockerel calendar produced for hens
YOU’VE obviously been very worried about the arousal of hens in 2012 because someone has gone to the trouble of producing a calendar for lady chickens, filled with sexually alluring cockerels.
Millions of years of evolution, and this is what humans have become.
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Posted: 10th, December 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
Australian PM issues zombie warning
AUSTRALIA’S prime minister, Julia Gillard, has announced the apocalypse in a video posted on YouTube. No, this isn’t someone impersonating her. This is a real world leader, telling us that zombies are on the way.
Of course, she’s not serious because zombies don’t exist. However, it is really good and is going viral as we speak.
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Posted: 7th, December 2012 | In: Politicians | Comment
Badgers: They ARE trying to kill the human race
BADGERS have clearly never forgiven humans for making them a dancing meme all those years ago, when people used to laugh at any old crap online. With ‘badger badger badger badger badger‘ racing around their minds, they’ve gone all Michael Douglas in Falling Down and want us to die.
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Would you eat a burger if you needed ID for it? The Atomic Fallout Pizza burger is here
BURGER eaters are having to show ID before they can eat a patty. How about that? Now, before you start thinking that this is some awful, awful Jamie Oliver stunt for healthy eating, it is quite the opposite. The ID is part of a disclaimer because this burger is so unbelievably spicy.
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Posted: 6th, December 2012 | In: Reviews, The Consumer | Comment
Man blinded by vodka, revived by whisky
DRINKING yourself blind is an astonishing feat in itself, but to drink your eyesight away and then have it revived by even more booze is quite another.
And that’s exactly what happened to Denis Duthie from New Zealand… although, not quite in the way you’d imagine. Duthie swigged vodka but found that he had suddenly gone blind after it reacted with his diabetes meds. Duthie had been celebrating his parents’ wedding anniversary by having a few vodkas from a bottle that he’d been given as a gift.
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Posted: 5th, December 2012 | In: Strange But True, The Consumer | Comment
The most dramatic news photos of 2012
THE most dramatic images of 2012:
Flames from the Waldo Canyon Fire cause the western side of Colorado Springs, Colo. to glow as several structures and home burn on Tuesday, June 26, 2012.
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Posted: 5th, December 2012 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Reviews | Comment
Union J fan woman screams what we’re all thinking at X Factor (VIDEO)
THE single greatest thing the X Factor has given the UK, is that for one night a week, we’re unified in bewildered hatred. Of course, there’s the berks who hate it because they sneeringly prefer ‘real music’ by ‘people who write their own music’ (warning: Chris De Burgh wrote his own songs and half of Motown didn’t). The best people enjoy the show and the hatred it stirs.
X Factor is the only time Britain is truly alive.
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Posted: 4th, December 2012 | In: TV & Radio | Comment
Watch, as a man wins $588m
WINNING the lottery is something most of us have idly dreamed of at some point, but imagine for a second if it actually came true AND the moment you found out was captured on film.
Most of us would run wildly around, defecating and sobbing into strangers bosoms. One man in America could barely conceal his delight in Maryland when he found out he’d scooped the $588m Powerball jackpot!
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Catholic church set up hotline for possessions and Pope goes on Twitter
FINALLY, the Roman Catholic Church is getting all modern on us! Have they relaxed their views on contraception and homosexuals? Don’t be ridiculous. They are, however, embracing technology, so it won’t be long ’til we see The Pope throwing out his red Papal shoes and investing in some Dalai Lama Air Max or something.
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Shave with bacon flavoured shaving foam
EVER found yourself shaving and wondered how magical your life would be if you could eat your shaving cream? Of course you have. Everyone on Earth has wanted to eat shaving cream.
With that in mind, thank the stars for the land of the free! America, a place of many delightfully crackpot ideas, has a company who has developed a new bacon-flavoured shaving cream. You read that correctly. Shaving foam that tastes like pigs.
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Posted: 30th, November 2012 | In: The Consumer | Comment
