Posts Tagged ‘News’
Man builds ark to escape apocalypse, like you do
MENTAL people think there’s an apocalypse coming because some Mayans forgot to finish making their calendars. And one insane guy in China is currently making an ark to escape the Mayan apocalypse because, obviously, if the world ends and the Four Horsemen come, you’ll be fine if you’re sat inside a conspicuous giant boat filled with hooting animals.
Lu Zhenghai, presumably a normally lovely chap, has spent £100,000 on his ark so far. And it stands at 65 feet and is his completely pointless safeguard against a flood that inevitably won’t happen.
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Posted: 30th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Vampire warning sees garlic sales rocketing in Serbia
VAMPIRES don’t exist. We all know that. Even stupid people have an inkling that vampires aren’t real. However, in Serbia, they do things a bit differently and by that, what we’re saying here is that they absolutely believe in vampires and garlic growers are thrilled at the news!
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Posted: 29th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment (1)
Lindsey Stone: Woman fired for making a joke on Facebook
JOKES are serious business. We live in a world so jumpy that you can make a clearly off-hand remark about blowing an airport up and you end up in a lengthy legal process, with celebrities backing you up and paying for your legal fees. Elsewhere in the world, say anything bad about the people who fought for your right to piss-about, and you’ll get your arse handed to you in a tall hat.
Just ask the woman who has been unceremoniously sacked from her job for the awful hate crime of posting a photograph on Facebook.
Lindsey Stone was photographed giving the finger while stood beside a ‘silence and respect’ sign at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia. The image promptly went viral and thousand of humourless git-machines started kicking off and demanding heads-on-pikes.
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Posted: 28th, November 2012 | In: Reviews | Comments (3)
The name’s Gaffney… Dean Gaffney… licence to be an idiot spy
THE first rule about Spy Club is keeping your big, stupid mouth shut. However, have a particularly large and imbecilic gob, Dean Gaffney (pictured) missed the memo and has been telling everyone that he’s applied for a job at MI5.
Apparently, the thundering dimwit responded to an online advert for a Mobile Surveillance Officer with the secret service.
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Posted: 28th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Telford man sentenced after causing ‘terror by dildo’
IMAGINE you heard about a man concealing a dildo about his person. You’d imagine he was either embarrassed to have it on him as something of a prude or, indeed, that he had it down his trolleys in a bid to appear that he was well endowed.
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Posted: 27th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Good old Germany finally outlaws having sex with animals… but not without opposition
HAVING sex with an animal is pretty much universally frowned upon. It doesn’t matter how much you sexualise your cat on Instagram, you know you’re not actually allowed to make love to its tiny undercarriage. Besides, it’d probably smell like tinned meat.
That all taken into consideration, it may surprise you that Germany is only just getting round to banning all forms of bestiality by law.
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Posted: 26th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Chris Brown deletes Twitter account after pretty awful rant while Rihanna tweets this photo of him
TO say that Chris Brown is like a giant, fighty child, is something of an understatement. He sulks and pouts when he’s called out for being unapologetic for assaulting Rihanna and still gets involved in fights (see nightclub incident with Drake amongst others) while RiRi seems to court their relationship (whatever it is) for publicity.
Basically, we’ve got domestic abuse being used as a PR machine and pretty much everyone feels really lousy about it, apart from those making money off the back of Rihanna’s battered face.
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Posted: 26th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Newsreaders quit, live-on-air: Cindy Michaels and Tony Consiglio sign off
EVERYONE in media is so bloody concerned for their careers that they refuse to upset anyone or make any bold moves. So when someone finally does it – and in a very public way – one can’t help but stand and applaud.
And so, to two American newsreaders in Maine who resigned live-on-air at the end of their programme, because they were being leaned on to give a certain political slant to their broadcasts.
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Say hello to the Bigfoot of Tunbridge Wells
BORING places are always the ones who have fantastical creatures. There’s no Chupacabra of Camden or Mothra of Manchester, because people are far, far too busy to sit around and let their minds play tricks on them. However, in Dullsville, there’s a whole universe of weird creatures!
Remember the Beast of Bodmin? You’ve heard of Nessie? Well, the residents of Royal Tunbridge Wells – who have nothing better to do – claim they have a giant ape-like sasquatch terrorising their countryside.
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Posted: 22nd, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comments (2)
Play ‘Football Manager’ and get a job in the Azerbaijan Premier League
IF you’ve played Football Manager (or Championship Manager, or whatever the other one is called), you’ll know what a life ruiner it is. Men have been reduced to wrecks, pacing around their living rooms in their best suits, worn specially for cup final day. Degrees have fallen to the wayside as sleep-deprived students aim to get AFC Wimbledon into the Champion’s League.
And all for nothing, right?
Wrong!
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Killer gets a fate worse than prison – CHURCH!
AMERICA is a dangerous place filled with guns and cholesterol, but this time, they’ve gone too far. A seventeen year old kid has been found guilty of manslaughter, which isn’t unusual. So is he getting sent to prison? NO! Far, far worse than that!
HE IS BEING SENT TO CHURCH!
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Posted: 20th, November 2012 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Brilliant drunk idiot tries to ride a crocodile (with unsurprising consequences)
SOMETIMES, drunks are a gift that keep giving. Most of the time, they chat nonsense and puke up on their fried chicken, but sometime, they’re worth their weight in wobbling gold.
Take the drunkard in Australia who just about survived his little escapade when he tried to ride a crocodile.
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Posted: 19th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Julie gets high in the dentist and makes the whole world laugh
GOING to the dentist is no fun. They drill your face, tell you off for the amount of sugar you spoon into your honking gob, and force you to read copies of Woman’s Own that are older than the internet.
However, sometimes, it is really really really fun. Especially when they jack you up on loads of drugs.
And to prove this, a video has gone viral of a great sport called Julie, who had her wisdom teeth removed. Filmed by her husband Cameron, Julie’s pie-eyed confusion is one of the most joyous things online right now (and not a stupid, cutesy animal in sight).
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NatWest chase dog called Noodles for overdraft payment
BANKS, as we know, are joyless, recession-causing imbeciles. Those delightful swine at NatWest are showing this off with aplomb at the minute, chasing a dog called Noodles for money.
YOU HEARD.
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Posted: 16th, November 2012 | In: Money, Strange But True | Comment
Sweden, where public transport is blighted by sex
SOME stereotypes are ace. While the English are known for complaining and being racist, the Swedish are simply known as being really, really sexy. Who wouldn’t want that as people’s default setting about you? And this, it seems, is a stereotype that has some legs.
Lovely, lovely legs.
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Manchester United mercenary Robin Van Persie parks in disabled bay for two days
FOOTBALLERS are dreadful aren’t they? They get paid all that money and for what? To roll around on the floor pretending to be in agony while overweight people tell them that they’re rubbish at their job. It really is astonishing. Then they go and kiss their badges before buggering off to the next better offer. Dreadful.
And now, to cap it all off, they probably hate people with disabilities.
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Foxes soon to control London after mugging mother-of-two
LONDON is a place where human contact is at a minimum, with people crammed into steel cylinders, underground, hiding in their iPod earphones and Kindles, only to be spat out toward offices and silent commuting trudges. Fear and loathing grips the capital and on the blindside, while the middle classes coo at lidos and bicycles, and the working classes baulk at rent, the foxes are taking over.
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Elmo can’t stop talking about sex, but denies any wrongdoing with 16 year old
HAVE you seen Being Elmo? Rubbish isn’t it? It’s cinematic fluff that faces you with a story of a man who, without much fuss, because really famous for having his hand in the arse of a red, furry irritant. Elmo, somehow, because the single most famous thing on Sesame Street.
Now Elmo is having a crisis.
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Posted: 13th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities, Reviews | Comment
Italy: Where the air is filled with drugs
WHEN you think of Italy, do you think of fine art, tomato/garlic/cheese based food, the Mafia and blokes parping their tiny horns on scooters?
Well now, you should think of drugs too! See, some scientists in Italy have found both cocaine and marijuana in the air of eight of its biggest cities! That means, you can walk around Italy sniffing as hard as you can in the hope of getting completely off your baps!
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Posted: 12th, November 2012 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Who wants to see Jamie Oliver sucking a dildo?
HAVE you seen Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen Minute Meals? It’s a show so irritating that it makes you want to punch the very notion of television into next week. And Jamie, here’s an idea: 1.5 Second Meals where someone just throws a Jaffa Cake in their mouth and gets on with their lives without bogling at lettuce.
Anyway, when Jamie isn’t larging it up over some prawns on a massive wooden board, he’s pretending to be Food Bono, saving our wickle children from a fate worse than delicious hamburgers.
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Posted: 12th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment
How many houses does it take to fill a Death Star?
WITH everyone currently going crazy over George Lucas selling Star Wars to Disney, and everyone going even more nuts for the Star Wars version of Angry Birds, there’s a very important question that needs asking: How many houses would you need to fill up the Death Star?
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Jermaine ‘Michael Jackson’s brother’ Jackson, wants to change his name to Jacksun
CELEBRITIES don’t have a good record with names. Prince changed his to a squiggle and Frank Zappa and Bob Geldof sent their offspring into certain bullying by given them daft monikers. Mixing both of these angles is Jermaine Jackson, who has not only given his children awful names (Jermajesty anyone?), but he’s changing his name for ‘artistic reasons’.
‘Artistic reasons’ is code for either ‘stupid’ if you were wondering.
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Posted: 8th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Welcome the Second Coming of the Anti-Christ Baby
WHILE the world shimmers in the positive glow of Obama’s second term in America, blindsiding us all, is the appearance of Lucifer himself.
That’s right. The Devil is here and he’s possessed the body of a baby, according to a woman in Colombia who isn’t completely mental at all.
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Posted: 7th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Blackbirds found blind drunk in playground
SOME young tearaway blackbirds found dead at a primary school in Cumbria, which doesn’t sound very funny. However, when you consider the fact that they were dead from alcohol poisoning, it suddenly feels more amusing.
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Posted: 7th, November 2012 | In: Strange But True | Comment
Nadine Dorries, wave goodbye to your career!
POLITICIANS, as we all know, as thundering bozos. They don’t know their arses from their elbows and they prove it time and time again by their wilfully idiotic actions. And Nadine Dorries, a particularly loathsome oaf, has proved how dim MPs are once again, by agreeing to go on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
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Posted: 6th, November 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
