Nicki Minaj is voting for Mitt Romney, which he’ll be pleased about

TO paraphrase, the Republican Party aren’t racist, but they are number one with racists. They don’t make many non-Christian white people happy. Over the years, the Republicans have been accused of acting too slowly when a lot of black people are in trouble, started wars with a lot of brown nations and, in more recent years, they’ve spread their target to include rape victims too.

Of course, big cheese Republican Romney nodded and winked at Obama, cooing about no-one needing to his birth-certificate, which sees him as a birther at best (a racist at worst). Obviously, Romney is less keen to mention the fact his family illegally entered America after running away from Mexico, but that’s another story.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 5th, September 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

England to wear Nike instead of Umbro… and no-one should really care

ENGLAND, apart from a brief flirtation with Admiral, have worn Umbro kits since forever. However, that’s all about to change as the next England kit we’ll see will feature a Nike swoosh. All this on the 150th anniversary of the Football Association.

Of course, the initial irritation will be that England fans will have to buy yet another replica kit. Particularly galling as the newest one replaced a shirt that was only worn for eight games.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 3rd, September 2012 | In: Sports | Comment

LeAnn Rimes checks into rehab for ‘anxiety’

CELEBRITIES love a bit of rehab don’t they? In our godless society, rehabs are the next best thing where famous folk can ostensibly show some kind of redemptive attitude for their nefarious ways. Basically, rehab is a confession booth without having the sore knees.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 30th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Geri Halliwell has a spiritual connection with Russell Brand… no, you stop laughing

THE phrase ‘the beast with two backs’ was surely invented for the sham-relationship that is apparently unfurling between Russell Brand and Geri Halliwell. Imagine them at it. Imagine them trying to outdo each other in their attempts to be the centre of attention. Imagine them telling each other just how outlandishly vulnerable they are, talking over each other and pressing their bony, gristly bodies together in a minging embrace, both one eye on the mirror.

Just imagine.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown and Rihanna to wearily anger entire universe by presenting award together

RIHANNA recently spoke-up about All That Chris Brown business while on Oprah’s latest version of her show and basically, handled all the mopping up that surrounds it. Of course, everyone noticed that Chris Brown himself is yet to talk about it, apologise for it and, indeed, sort his behaviour out accordingly in favour of acting like he’s the victim in all of this (never mind all that gawdawful dreck he’s released and spunked down unsuspecting ears).

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 29th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Is Lindsay Lohan about to go to prison for the millionth time?

OBVIOUSLY, it is that time of year again, when Lindsay Lohan narrowly avoids prison thanks to being a celebrity. First though, we have to go through the rigmarole of fretting that she might be sent down while the police chase her freckled self through Hollywood.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 28th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katherine Jenkins wins Olympic media silver for David Beckham sex story

HEARD the one about Katherine Jenkins having an affair with David Beckham? No, neither had anyone else on Earth, ever. That was until Jenkins issued a statement on Twitter saying that she wasn’t having an affair with the squeaking footballer.

She pointed out that she’d only met Goldenballs twice, adding that she had never even been on her own with him.

Jenkins tweeted:

“Dear Twitter friends, I’ve read some horrible rumours on here & want u 2 know I absolutely deny I’ve had an affair with David Beckham. The rumours are very hurtful, untrue & my lawyers tell me actionable… I’ve only met David twice: once at the Military Awards in 2010 & on a night out in the West End in Feb 2012.” We were out in a group of friends & it was just a normal fun evening out… Just so we are clear I have never been on my own with him and never arranged to meet up.”

So is this a case of anti-news? If so, then we can also say things like ‘KATHERINE JENKINS ISN’T MADE OUT OF HAM!’ or ‘JENKINS DIDN’T HAVE SEX WITH EVERY MEMBER OF THE COSBY SHOW AND CERTAINLY DIDN’T FILM IT, NOR DID SHE ENJOY WATCHING THE THEO HUXTABLE SECTION BACK AT A LATER DATE’

Or is it a case of her letting the cat-out-of-the-bag on something that is actually happening, thereby creating a mini ‘Streisand Effect’? Has she jumped the gun before the story broke, thereby making her look incredibly guilty of something?

Or is it just a crap publicity stunt?

The Daily Mirror leads with the no news: “BECKS: I didn’t sleep with Kath.”

…an insider said Victoria, 38, knows the claims are “nonsense” and did not feel the need to respond. The source added: “Both she and David are a bit bemused as to why Katherine felt the need to do this in the first place. “Victoria and David haven’t needed to have conversations about the claims.”

While no comment about a non-news story is  a front-page comment, the Sun yells from its front page:

“Diva’s Becks Sex Shock”

BBC presenter Nicky Campbell tweeted: “I see @kathjenkins has gone on Twitter and denied having an affair with David Beckham. Anyone you would like to deny having an affair with?”

Lily Allen tweeted: “I’m really upset at the hurtful rumours going round about me having an affair with Jay Z. My lawyers tell me they are actionable. I’ve met him twice, once at the Spotted Pig in New York and once at the Wireless Festival. We have never been alone together etc etc.”

Meanwhile, in the Olympic legacy spirit, we’d like to give Jenkins a silver medal for conjuring news from nothing. Nice one, Kath. It’s people like you that keep the dead-tree press writing about Twitter. They should give you a prize…

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 25th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

LL Cool J is being all big and brave after burglary

HARD is the life of a big tough rapper when something vaguely dangerous happens to you. All that bravado you showed suddenly dissipates and you have to present yourself as human and vulnerable. That or pose loads more and threatened to kill everyone in sight.

The elder-statesmen of hip hop have families and businesses and things to worry about other than their gym-torsos and self-aggrandising. So, when LL Cool J got involved with a ne’er-do-well who broke into his house, instead of whupping his ass with the butt of a pistol, he instead assured fans he is “safe” and uninjured.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 24th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kim Kardashian had an orgy? And was ‘responsive’?

YOU may have seen Kim Kardashian’s famed sex-tape with Ray J (Whitney Houston’s last boyfriend and cousin of R&B singer, Brandy… phew… what a CV!) and thought that the wealthy celebutante wasn’t a particularly enthusiastic lover.

Well, porn star Julian St. Jox (great name) has some wild claims that refute that notion, saying that he had a threesome with Kim K and another female porn star a decade ago in LA. And there’s was an orgy and voyeurism and all sorts going down!

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 23rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Avril Lavigne is getting married to Nickelback’s singer, which isn’t weird

CANADA is not known for a terrific musical output (Neil Young and Joni Mitchell aside). They gave us The Crash Test Dummies, Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, the awful Arcade Fire, Barenaked Ladies and more. Someone needs to be culpable for all this dreck.

However, two of the worst to emerge from Canadian shores are getting married in a wedding that can only be described as a taste-hole.

Avril Lavigne and Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger are going to tie the knot.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 22nd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)

Mel B to clutter up X Factor on a permanent basis?

ANYONE who watched the X Factor over the weekend will still invariably be a ball of irritated tension after seeing Mel B bray her way through her awful, awful judging appearance.

Despite being a largely talentless boor (okay, she’s sold millions of records, but that doesn’t equate to any kind of ‘quality’ because, as the old adage goes, a million flies ’round shit can’t be wrong), she pooh-poohed, sneered, belittled and generally acted in a manner that one could only describe as cruel.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Michael Phelps to be stripped of gold medals?

NO-ONE has won more Olympic golds than Michael Phelps. He’s probably won more golds than most Olympic countries have won in their history. However, things are looking a little uncertain this week. See, Phelps’ 19 gold medals may diminish in number after he got chosen to front a new advertising campaign for Louis Vuitton.

The Olympic committee have a rather large beef with advertising, don’t they?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 21st, August 2012 | In: Sports, The Consumer | Comment

Rihanna ‘protective’ over Chris Brown

RIHANNA has been very, very quiet about the whole domestic battery thing that she had with Chris Brown. Not nearly as quiet as Chris Brown mind you, who thus far, has steadfastly refused to apologise to anyone or, indeed, show the world that he’s learned how to improve his behaviour (getting into beefs with Drake, being homophobic, throwing chairs through windows at US TV stations).

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Madonna being sued for $10m for views on Pussy Riot

DESPITE the fact that this writer continually undermines Pussy Riot’s message by utterly fancying Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, the movement has attracted huge attention across the world as they rally against Russian premier Vlad Putin and the Russian Orthodox Church.

The stars of pop have come out in support of Pussy Riot, most notably, Madonna who stuck up for them during a gig in Russia. Three Pussy Riot members were sentenced to spend 2 years in prison for “hooliganism motivated by religious hatred” and now, thanks to Queen Madge’s support, she’s getting sued for more than $10million by emboldened hardliners.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Top Gun director falls to his death in thoroughly awful suicide

TOP GUN director Tony Scott, younger brother of Ridley, has committed suicide after falling to his death from a bridge in Los Angeles.

Scott’s death has sent Hollywood into instant grieving, with celebrities taking to twitter to offer sympathies and pay tribute. The director was responsible for some of the most fun films in cinema, such as Enemy of the State, Days Of Thunder, True Romance and Beverly Hills Cop II. Ron Howard went for a simple: “No more Tony Scott movies. Tragic day.” Martha Plimpton meanwhile said: “So very, very sorry to hear of the death of Tony Scott. A terrible, terrible loss of a truly talented, brilliant man.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 20th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Megadeth: Nazi Obama is staging massacres, apparently

EVEN a passing metal fan could tell you that Dave Mustaine – the lead singer of Megadeth and original member of Metallica – is batshit mental. He’s got things misfiring in his brain that would make a lunatic laugh uncomfortably. And now, Mustaine is going all David Icke and sharing conspiracy theories with us all.

This time, saying that Barack Obama “staged” the massacre in Colorado in a bid to pass a gun ban.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 17th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Dog the Bounty Hunter denied glorious British TV appearance because of some poxy murder

BRITISH television has been denied the appearance of glorious be-mulleted thunderberk, Dog the Bounty Hunter because of a little ol’ murder. Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman was apparently all set for an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother (yes, it would appear that this is a show that is still being aired, remarkably), but stupid suits put the scuppers on it and denied him a UK visa thanks to his conviction for a harmless murder in 1976.

The Seventies were a different time. Everyone was murdering each other back then weren’t they? But no, immigration swine stopped him and his tremendous mane from being locked in a house to go slightly mad over a series of televised weeks.

HOW DARE THEY?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, TV & Radio | Comment

Kim Kardashian divorce dragged out by Kris Humphries for absolutely no reason

IT really is a sorry state of affairs when your acrimonious split and divorce is a thousand times longer than your actual marriage. And that’s the sorry state that Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are in after their lawyers rinsed the pair for money while pretending they were wringing their hands with worry all along.

And so, the lawyers for these vacuous bozos are to wink at each other before ‘squaring off’ in court today to tell Kris Humprhris that he needs to shit, or get off the pot. So what gives?

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 15th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robert Pattinson gets ice-cream from Jon Stewart over K-Stew break-up

DESPITE being a man so outrageously dull to the point where death itself will probably overlook him, Robert Pattinson is feeling the first stirrings of feeling. After years of being a veritable clump of human flotsam, he’s trying to produce some tears and emotion.

It really is beautiful to watch.

And this, of course, is all because his ex, Kristen Stewart allowed a married, older man to insert his penis into her. Kristen and The Other Man issued public apologies and millions of Twilight fans moistened with a bizarre mix of lust and pity for Pattz.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 14th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Rihanna LP scores number one with paltry sales: The record industry is dead man, miss him, miss him…

THE record industry has long been in decline. Basically, people got sick of the mark-up on CDs and, more importantly, were thunderously tired of having to find places for their CDs to live. MP3s may lack the character of vinyl and such, but boy howdy, they’re a lot neater aren’t they?

Sadly for the recording industry, MP3s (a format designed to maximise profits) are easily stolen, which has seen sales dropping dramatically. Which brings us to the news that Rihanna has just topped the album charts with the lowest sales figures EVER.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Do not adjust your brains: Van Damme talks about his affair with Kylie

SOMETIMES a headline alludes to something, only to avoid delivering. ‘CHERYL COLE’S ENJOYS THREE IN A BED PUSSYFEST’ could well be about a picture she’s tweeted of herself, in bed with two farting felines. Well, this headline is giving it to you straight. Jean Claude Van Damme is saying that he’s had sex with Kylie Minogue. Over to JCVD:

“Yes. OK. Yes, yes, yes. It happened. I was in Thailand, we had an affair. Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking. I would have been abnormal not to have had an affair, she’s so beautiful and she was there in front of me every day with a beautiful smile, simpatico, so charming.

“She wasn’t acting like a big star. I know Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand. She’s a great lady.”

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 13th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Spice Girls spotted rehearsing for Olympics closing ceremony (photos)

EVERYONE knows that The Spice Girls are playing the Olympic closing ceremony. It’s been a dreadfully kept secret. However, now we get to look at them hamming it up around some Hackney carriages as a photo is leaked that seems to show Baby, Sporty, Ginger, Scary, Posh, Leggy, Arsey, Remorsey and Vomity rehearsing for the show.

Of course, this poses the question: What will the girls be singing? It’s almost nailed-on that they’ll be doing some kind of medley of Spice Up Your Life, Wannabe, Who Do You Think You Are and One Of The Ballads.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 11th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson’s corpse and the case of the big fake will

WHEN any furiously wealthy person dies, there’s always a mad scramble through the ribcage of the cadaver in a bid to stake some kind of financial claim. It’s all incredibly undignified and very rarely gets cleared up quickly and neatly.

And so, supreme corpse, Michael Jackson, has something of a dogfight on his grave as everyone tries to get a slice of his vast riches and now, the very validity of his will is being questioned, this time in federal court.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 9th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pictures emerge that suggest Chris Brown is gay?

WHEN Frank Ocean declared that he wasn’t straight, there was thunderous applause from all corners. Frank Ocean: Nice guy, super talent and having sex with whoever he feels like. Cool eh? What about Chris Brown then? What happens if he’s gay or bisexual?

Because Chris Brown is a ghoulish, Rihanna-punching imbecile, are we supposed to be thrilled or hoot in mockery? It is very hard to tell these days.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Katy Perry defecates in a bucket these days

DIVORCEES often do strange things. Mostly, they’re booze induced. However, Katy Perry tops the lot after her split with Russell Brand.

For some inexplicable reason, Katy Perry has admitted she uses buckets instead of toilets backstage on tour. That’s right. Katy Perry defecates into mop buckets rather than using a toilet like a normal member of civilisation. And there’s more.

Mof Gimmers

Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment