Drake and Chris Brown beef is back on, via Aaliyah’s corpse

RAP beefs are numerous, but without a shadow of a doubt, the lamest of them all is the one currently playing out between Drake and Chris Brown. As we know, Chris Brown is a dreadful article, beating Rihanna up and steadfastly refusing to apologise, preferring to play the victim himself. And then there’s Drake. He’s so feeble that he looks like a man constantly on the verge of crying. He probably cries at John Lewis adverts.

And now, Drake is adding kindling to the meagre fire by having a pop at Breezy and, tastefully, he’s doing it via Aaliyah’s cadaver. Sadly, he’s not got a Ouija board out to undertake the diss (that would be brilliant), but rather, through a resurrected vocal from the late RnB singer.

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Posted: 8th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Elton John calls Madonna a ‘fairground stripper’

MADONNA has always had her detractors and, while they are mostly unfair, sadly for Madge, they’re quite often very funny. Morrissey once said that she was the closest thing to legalised prostitution on Earth and Joan Rivers said that the singer is “so hairy, when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.”

And now, Elton John is sticking the sequinned boot in.

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Posted: 7th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ellen Page gets death threats, despite seemingly like the nicest person in Hollywood

YOU’VE seen Juno right? It stars the incredibly likeable Ellen Page who is probably really cool in real life and not at all like those other awful, prissy arses who clog up Hollywood’s veins.

Well, despite being lovely, she’s got herself a load of death threats because she’s apparently having sex with a popular hunk.

Authorities reportedly are investigating these death threats (sent via Twitter of course, because that’s where all criminals hang out now) which read: “I’m going to murder Ellen Page. She’s dead.”

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Posted: 6th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

J-Lo’s boyfriend Casper ‘accidentally’ went into ‘exotic massage parlour’

WE’VE all been there haven’t we? Accidentally finding ourselves in an exotic massage parlour… then an adult bookshop… then in a lingerie store. It happens all the time. And so, we find ourselves pitying poor Jennifer Lopez because that’s what her boyfriend has done.

Yep, her 25-year-old beau, Casper Smart isn’t living up to his name by bringing the rumour mill to J-Lo’s doorstep. AGAIN. Casper paid a visit to a so-called “exotic massage parlour” and a gay porn shop and now, Lopez is thinking about being single.

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Posted: 6th, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cuba Gooding Jr calls bartender a massive racist… or is he a woman beater?

REMEMBER Cuba Gooding Jr. shouted ‘show me the money!’ at Tom Cruise? Well, now he’s shouting ‘YOU’RE A THUNDEROUS RACIST!’ at a bartender who got him thrown out of a New Orleans booze establishment this week.

Apparently, fans were trying to take photos of the actor and he got a little heated up, which somehow ended up with him allegedly shoving a female bartender around. He got thrown out and ended up in a different watering hole called, brilliantly, The Alibi.

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Posted: 3rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Miley Cyrus: Not dead, but owner of serious sideboob

WHAT a week it has been for Miley Cyrus. Firstly, we got the chance to see her sideboob in a photo that was leaked online showing the mercifully legal singer naked, in the bath and now, she’s not dead! She’s probably most thrilled about the ‘being alive’ thing.

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Posted: 3rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Macaulay Culkin, $6,000 of smack per month and a long thin face

ONCE the adorable little urchin who, somehow, kept being left at home without the intervention of Social Services, Macaulay Culkin was a gigantic banker in ’90s Hollywood. Like all good child-stars, his career went down the pan after he stopped being as cutesy as he once was.

So what’s he up to now? Well, the last we heard of him, he was getting dumped by Mila Kunis (yes, unfathomably, they were dating). But now, he’s apparently doing $6,000 worth of heroin. A month. A MONTH! That’s an admirable amount of smack, it has to be said.

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Posted: 3rd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

What’s all this about Janet Jackson slapping Michael’s kid across the face?

NASTY is what Janet Jackson once claimed to be. Mind you, she also sang: “Privacy is my middle name, my last name is control,” which is clearly untrue as she’d be called Janet Privacy Control, which is a nonsense. Apologies to anyone with the name Janet Control out there.

Either way, reports have been doing the rounds saying that Janet has been living up to her nasty monicker by slapping Michael Jackson’s daughter, Paris, across the face while shouting at her. Apparently, she called her a “spoiled little bitch.”

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Posted: 2nd, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Chris Brown shows deep interest in Frank Ocean’s sexuality

WHEN Frank Ocean didn’t reveal he was gay to the world (the implication, to people who actually digested his words was that he’s bisexual, but no-one was listening properly, preferring instead to coo about how he’s the first gay person ever), he became an overnight sensation.

With that, everyone had an opinion on it. 50 Cent did his best to be supportive, but garbled his message by saying it was fine that people choose to live like that. He clearly didn’t mean ‘choice’, but whatever. Of course, rentagit Chris Brown opened his mouth without kicking his brain out of reverse.

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Posted: 1st, August 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Professor Green shows gasping lack of wisdom on eating disorders and infidelity

GRANTED, we may be asking a bit much of Professor Green to be anything approaching intelligent. It is probably asking a bit much to hope that he makes a record that doesn’t sound like the most substandard hip-pop with Cuddles The Monkey babbling over the top, too.

We’re not here to talk about his awful records though. We’re here to listen to what he has to say about eating disorders and infidelity.

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Posted: 31st, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Gilllian Anderson is not 100% gay, okay?

THIRTYSOMETHING men may have lusted after Scully from X Files, but it seems that women should’ve too because Gillian Anderson has had relationships with the fairer sex. Of course, this news saw people leaping to their feet and proclaiming ‘THEN, SHE MUST BE A GAY!”, completely forgetting that bisexual people exist and, furthermore, people who can’t be bothered putting a label on what they are because, ultimately, it is absolutely futile.

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Posted: 31st, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Demi Moore, reeling from the break-up with Ashton Kutcher, spotted with younger man (well duh)

WITH Ashton Kutcher (astonishingly) rumoured to be getting off with Mila Kunis, Demi Moore has apparently been left devastated. And so, there’s only one thing she can feasibly do – and that’s to get off with a young gentlemen, purely out of spite.

Of course, Demi Moore – Hollywood’s Mumm-Ra – will always end up with a younger man, provided she doesn’t shag Count Dracula. And with the Dark Prince, she seemingly shares a fondness for young blood. If she carries on like this, then don’t be surprised to see a televised special where she eats babies while grinding on Justin Bieber.

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Posted: 30th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Robert Pattinson demanded public apology as he feels emotion for the first time in his life

CRUSHINGLY tedious Robert Pattinson has spent his life in much the same way plankton has, silently floating through life with all the charisma of a bin bag, gently knocked side-to-side by the elements, ostensibly waiting to die. However, things have changed. Like a Sims character, he’s developing real human emotions and it is all because his gal, Kristen Stewart, has received the penis of another.

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Posted: 27th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Kristen Stewart cheats on Robert Pattinson with ancient married filmmaker?

TWILIGHT fans are an insane bunch, throwing every single emotion they have in the direction of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

And today, they’ll be all of a tizz when they hear the story that K-Stew has been cheating on R-Pattz with a married filmmaker who is twice her age. Allegedly.

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Posted: 25th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Eddie Murphy: Still not dead

JACKIE Chan, Vanilla Ice, Miley Cyrus, David Beckham, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady GaGa and Will Smith all have something in common with Eddie Murphy.

They’re not dead.

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Posted: 25th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Ashton Kutcher: The swordsman of beautiful women, despite being thoroughly repugnant

HOLLYWOOD women clearly have no taste in men. No-one underlines this more than Ashton Kutcher, who has unfathomably had his member in the close proximity of a number of beautiful, coveted women. Not only that, they end up falling in love with him, showing that it isn’t just a matter of enjoying a ride with a celebrity with a face like a knee.

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Posted: 24th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Girls Aloud to reform at the behest of Her Majesty

NOVEMBER 2012 will be the tenth anniversary of Girls Aloud winning Popstars: The Rivals. A decade ago, Cheryl, Kimberley, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah erupted onto the pop scene and became just about the greatest girlgroup these shores ever produced.

However, like all famous popgroups, they’ve gone their separate ways and some of them look like they hate each other. Cheryl, of course, became famous all by herself and Nadine turned into something of a joke hate figure, with the others seemingly perfectly lovely and a little flawed (just what you want from popstars really).

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Posted: 23rd, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Plan B: Accidental racist

CROCS. Mullets. Socks and sandals. Global Hypercolor knickers. They’re all pretty bad fashion faux-pas, but none really compare to one Plan B made, which made him look like a massive racist to which he’s had to apologise for.

Basically, Plan B appeared on the cover of Shorlist appearing to be a fan of Neo Nazism.

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Posted: 23rd, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Spinal Tap actor arrest for ‘lewd act’ in cinema

COMEDY is teeming with unsung heroes and, one of the best is Fred Willard. You’ll recognise him from Spinal Tap, Everybody Loves Raymond, WALL-E, Best In Show, Modern Family and his fall-down, flat on your face funny stint in A Mighty Wind.

Alas, poor Fred has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at an adult theater in Hollywood, according to authorities.

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Posted: 20th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Meatloaf to sue Meatloaf tribute act (because the tribute is better?)

MEATLOAF is one of pop’s more peculiar superstars, treading the line between ‘awful rock’ and ‘awful opera’ with a variety of awful concept albums and a tremendous waistline. He’s sold a gazillion albums and appeared in numerous films, but that doesn’t mean he can sit around, resting on his laurels.

He’s got Meatloaf tribute acts to sue!

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Posted: 20th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Tom Cruise, already engaged to another woman?

IS Tom Cruise the Jesus of Scientology or something? The Force is strong in this one and he seems fast-tracked to the top of the Thetan pile for some reason. Is it anything to do with his vast wealth and influence? Probably not. What kind of church would make a decision on their future on something as flimsy as that?

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Posted: 20th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Halle Berry rushed to hospital, possibly for lack of ability

THRNNNNK! That could well have been the noise made by Halle Berry’s bones as she injured herself while on the set of The Hive. That’s right. Berry was involved in an incident which saw her being rushed to hospital last night, which is all very worrying.

The actress was working on her new film – which also features Abigail Breslin and David Otunga, whoever they are – when the incident occurred and an ambulance was called to take her to the Cedars Sinai medical centre in Los Angeles.

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Posted: 18th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)

Nephew blames Sylvester Stallone for son’s death – Edd Filiti gets famous

SYLVESTER Stallone’s son, Sage, was found dead in his LA home over the weekend and, like the death of anyone young, it’s thoroughly depressing. However, when it concerns a famous person, there’s a whole spectacle to be had where the entire extended family gets dragged in for the media rodeo.

And the latest bit of unfortunate news is that Sly’s nephew has lashed out at the actor, saying that the Hollywood star neglected his late son who desperately wanted his dad’s love. Eighteen-year-old Edd Filiti – the son of Stallone’s half-sister Toni Ann – said his cousin wanted his father’s affection, in a series of angry Facebook postings.

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Posted: 17th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Nazi-confused French National Front threaten to sue Madonna over Swastika image

MADONNA is in trouble with the French National Front. They might be suing her after she showed a video of party leader – Marine Le Pen – with a swastika on her forehead during a concert in Paris. Of course, most of the fans at the show whooped with delight at the image, but Le Pen’s crew are not pleased at all.

“The images that were projected draw a terrible link between the party and an ideology that we reject,” party Vice President Florian Philippot said Monday. “Just because she is rich and well known does not mean we should accept such atrocities. It’s an insult against Marine Le Pen and an insult to all the National Front party members.”

After the image of Pen appeared in the video, it melded into that of one of Adolf Hitler.

Of course, the Daily Mail have been keen to point out that Le Pen has transformed the French National Front and now, it’s a rather good, clean party. And, as you’ve just read, Florian Philippot is keen to distance the party from all those horrible Nazis. They’re not into all that at all.

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Posted: 16th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Catholic school for Suri Cruise, because they’re not every bit as distressing as Scientology

THE split between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has largely focused on the spiritual wellbeing of Suri, their daughter. Most mutterings have said that Katie didn’t want Suri going through the various hoops that Scientology has in place to find out more about their subjects.

And so, apparently, Holmes has enrolled her daughter into a Catholic school, because that’s obviously a much better idea isn’t it? Especially given that the school in question is the Convent Of The Sacred Heart in New York, which produced the well balanced pair of Nicky Hilton and Lady GaGa.

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Posted: 16th, July 2012 | In: Celebrities | Comment